How do we explain to my mom, who has Alzheimer's, that she cannot bring all of her household items when moving in with my brother?

Michelle in winston-salem, nc asked...

My mother has mild Alzheimers and has agreed to move in with my brother. She has her own room and her own bathroom. Other than her personal items that she can house in her own room and bathroom, she is insisting on bring several other items with her home such as dishes, furniture, curtains, etc. to go in other areas of his house. How do you suggest we apporach her that these additional items are not necessary to bring because his house is already furnished and equipped. She has made several comments like, I'm not throwing away my things, or the curtains in the kitchen need to be changed or what do you expect for me to do with my things that I have worked hard for. And when she make changes or bring items in, she never consults with my brother. There is really no room for her household things. There's only space her personal items for her room. I'm afraid she will get upset and decide she wants to go back home, so how do you suggest we handle it? I want her to understand that we want her in his house so we all can care for her but too, she can't bring along unnecessary items? Not only that there's no extra space but most of her household items are old and outdated. What should we do?

Expert Answer

Beth Spencer is a social worker in Ann Arbor, Michigan, with more than 25 years of experience with families who have a member with dementia. She is coauthor of Understanding Difficult Behaviors and Moving a Relative with Memory Loss: A Family Caregiver's Guide. Previously, she directed Silver Club, early-stage and adult day programs serving individuals with Alzheimer's disease and related illnesses.

First, you need to look at this from your mother's point of view. Most of us would never choose to move in with family when we have been independent, even if it is for our own good. Many people, as they grow older, worry that all the things they have worked hard for will be thrown away or devalued by their children. Your mother may feel that she agreed to give up her home (probably not her first choice) and now her kids want her to give away all her possessions too. While this is not strictly accurate that may be how it feels to her.  

Is there some compromise possible? What about finding a storage locker or someplace where some boxes of things can be stored? Help her choose the things she is most attached to and tell her that they will be kept. Are there a few things that could be used in the rest of the house, even if they are not needed?  

One thing to keep in mind is that people with dementia do not always have the ability to be logical about things. You and your brother may be trying to reason with her in ways that she can't really comprehend or retain. If your primary goal is to have her live in his house, then you have to bend a little here and there probably. She is trying hard to retain some control of her life. She may very well decide it is not worth it, if she feels that she is losing all control.  

It can be very difficult to have someone with Alzheimer's living with a family, even in their own quarters. If there are problems already, you and your brother may need to have a backup plan.