Kathy's Story: Moving Mother to Memory Care

Getting Help With a Difficult Decision
kathy
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The choices themselves are not important; it's the consciousness with which they are made.
Kathy is a retired teacher, novelist, and loving daughter to her mother, Nancy. She and her mother have a special relationship. It was only natural that when Nancy could no longer live in an independent living community, Kathy stepped in as caregiver and brought her mother home to live with her. Her mother suffers from Alzheimer's disease and is in declining health. After a year of providing round-the-clock care, Kathy was finding it difficult to live with the ongoing stress and worry over her mother's well-being. Her mother became more confused and angry. Kathy and her family knew it was time to look for placement.

Do plan ahead. Get the information you need.
After extensive research, Kathy moved her mother into a memory care facility in October 2012. While the first few weeks were an adjustment, Kathy knows in her heart that it was the best decision. Nancy started falling more frequently, and Kathy says, "It made it even clearer that she needed more care than we could safely give her." The entire staff at Spring Arbor of Raleigh -- The Memory Cottage are not only professional but compassionate. From the nursing staff to the maintenance workers, they take the time to really interact with the patients. Kathy has been touched by their kindness. "They say hello, kiss a cheek, smooth a head, pat a shoulder. They don't treat them like children, but they also don't show impatience at confusion and repetition." She has felt well informed on all aspects of her mother's care and routinely receives phone calls and has informal updates every time she goes to visit. "And the residents aren't the only ones who get hugs -- more than once I've been comforted by the director or her assistant when I'm overcome with tears."

"I felt like I had failed her."
The first few weeks of her mother's placement were a time of extreme guilt for Kathy. She turned to Caring.com's Stage Groups for support from other Alzheimer's caregivers. "This is the place I know I can say what I have to say and not be judged or condemned. You understand because you've been there too," said Kathy. She had wanted to be there for her mother until the very end. After seeing how much better equipped the Memory Cottage was to handle her mother's failing health and how much Kathy's own quality of life had improved after moving her mother, Kathy's guilt was replaced with relief. Having the stress of caregiving lifted, Kathy was able to sleep through the night for the first time in almost a year. She is able to be there for her mother and carry on the special relationship they have, but in a way that is best, emotionally and physically, for both of them. Kathy has been an active member of the Caring.com Alzhemer's Support Group and continues to receive support from other Alzheimer's caregivers.

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Comments


over 8 years, said...

I will be moving my mom to a memory loss assisted living facility as soon as it opens. It is a beautiful new place with programs designed for those with memory loss. I feel guilty that I am moving her there but I also feel guilty that she is not getting the best care living with me. There are lots of times I just don't know what to do. I work full time and I lost my husband a year and a half ago, and things are just not normal anywhere I look. Then a year ago my mom fell and broke her wrist and when she came back from surgery, her mind was worse. She had shown some signs of memory loss but she still lived by herself and enjoyed friends and activities. I'm rambling, I know, but I'm afraid that when I put her in assisted living, she won't be happy at all. She is not happy here either -- she says she is lonely. I hire sitters for when I work, but I am here most of the time. She sleeps a lot and she has a hearing problem which makes communication hard. How hard is it for people to adjust to moving into a facility? What should I expect?


about 10 years, said...

Very helpful example of the process to put a Loved One into a facility, whether it be Independent Living (IL), Assisted Living (AL), or a Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF). A very difficult decision, that's for sure. As to giving Thank You gifts to staff of these places, you might check with the Administrator - there may be a policy against accepting gifts or money. Some places in the early part of December a resident committee will collect voluntary cash donations to be given to the staff based on their time in service as a Christmas or Holiday gift. At some places, just a heartfelt Thank You from a family member means more than flowers or a gift.


about 11 years, said...

What can we do, to avoid Domintia from getting worse, when Home Health keeps cutting her physical therapy off? from: hconsidder@ymail.com


over 11 years, said...

9 months into wife in nursing home. I still feel quilty yet know she is taken care of far better there then I was able at home even with live in help the lastnyearnhome. I too would like to know how to gift the help at nursingnhome this Christmas. Havebsentnflowersnto nursing station on occasion. Tomith


over 11 years, said...

Thanks Kathy for sharing your story. I am in a similar situation, trying to work and take care of my children. Feeling guilt for placing my mother in a memory care facility. Now that the holidays are upon us, I'd like to hear what family members are doing for caregivers in their loved one's facility. There's no way I could get a gift for the 15+ people who are involved in my mothers care (across the various shifts and weekends). Any ideas besides food or sweet trays to be shared by the group?