Overcoming the Stigma of Assisted Living
My father, to me, will always be an intellectual with a sharp mind. He's strong-willed and independent. Theodore (or Ted, as his friends call him) is one of those people with a soft voice that carries the profound weight of experience and wisdom. When he retired, he took care of my mother for twenty years until she died. My mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and my father found himself in his golden years, not able to travel or enjoy the things one dreams about for retirement. Still, he has always had a smile on his face and a gentle demeanor. I think he was happiest when he was working, going out to concerts and plays, driving with my mom to new places, and just enjoying life. My parents were looking forward to doing more of that during my dad's retirement from a career as a college professor.
My husband, Charlie, just retired as a professional football coach. Can I tell you . . . it's hard. He follows me everywhere. I get dressed to go out. He gets dressed too. I say, "Where do you think you are going?" He says, "With you." I need my alone time again! Anyway, Charlie was a successful quarterback for Michigan State. Then he became a professional wide receiver coach. His job required us to move around the country with each coaching position: Miami, Phoenix, Seattle, St. Louis, Knoxville, and Atlanta. My father lived with us and didn't like the moving. He would settle in and make friends, and then we'd tell him we had to move again. He accepted it, of course. And then last year, things changed.
Two things happened: In August, my father started dialysis. I was heartbroken and nervous. He had to have treatments three times a week and go on a special diet. Then he fell down two little steps in the garage. He broke his hip. He was in the hospital for two weeks and then had to go to rehab. He stayed in a nursing home and it was far away from our house. It was depressing, real depressing. Lots of times, the residents get pneumonia. The conditions were bad and I didn't like it. I felt so guilty placing him there. Still, I couldn't take him home. His memory was getting worse, his bedroom was upstairs. I could never leave him alone. Fortunately, I found an affordable assisted living situation. I was comfortable paying $4,500 a month for my dad's care. The aides are great. They drive him to his dialysis clinic, they monitor his diet and give him tests. The doctor will actually go to the home, too. It's way better than paying $10,000 for a nursing home.
The shocker for me was how the transition occurred. I was told to just drop him off, not to linger or help him get settled. They told me he would familiarize himself with the facility and people. It was like having a kid at camp! They told me he would get adjusted, get in a routine, and hang out with like-minded people. And he did.
The stigma attached to sending a love one away is omnipresent. You know, people of color don't believe in putting their loved ones in a home. Black people don't do that. It's also so expensive; people don't want to spend the money. But at the assisted living place, he's in excellent care, it's a healthier option for him, and I don't feel resentment over having to watch him like a child. They're even allowed pets! We still see him four times a week. We pick him up after he has a big lunch with his friends. He hangs out with us from 1 p.m. to 7 p.m. It's great!
I am amazed that his center also accommodates hospice care. There are about ten people in hospice there right now. They're comfortable, their pain is managed. The only rule is that they have to be mobile, for safety reasons; it's the law. We are all happy with our decision. Most of the residents in assisted living being women, they just live longer. My father is popular. Everyone adores him. For me, it's been tough, but I rest easier now. I'm confident that he is receiving the best care possible.
Find Assisted Living Near You | More True Stories: Packing My Parents' Home
Comments
Just moved my mother to an AL facility...she loves it!
Thank you Lisa and Caroline for sharing your story. As someone who works in the assisted living industry and also experienced a loved one moving to a community (my grandfather who has since passed away), I can say that the negative stigma associated with assisted living is unfortunate. It is also unfortunate that few bad apples (communities) make it difficult for the good ones to rise above the negative associations. The vast majority of assisted living communities provide compassionate care in an environment that encourages resident independence. Assisted living communities are NOT nursing homes, as caregivervictim says. Another negative stigma that should be reversed. Nursing home residents are typically a higher level of care/need and many people are suprised to discover while touring that many assisted living residents can walk on their own, come and go as they please and live an independent lifestyle by all accounts. By the way, my grandfather moved into Lakeside Assisted Living (www.lakesideassistedliving.com) and spent a year in the community. He was not pleased about the move at first but gradually settled into his routine as you said about your father. There is nothing but good things to say about his stay there and he lived months longer than if he would have stayed in his apartment by himself. We are blessed to have been given the extra time with him and have Lakeside to thank for that!
Thank you for sharing a bit of how you helped your father make the move to assisted living. It seems that beyond the a first uncertain and at times difficult steps to a positive transition is the relationship you have and still have with your father. The recollections you mention seem to be topped by years of fun, love and respect which carried through many years with your dad.
I was at a nursing home for two months year, March 21st to May 14th this year. I assure you that I shall never ever return to a nursing home. I am 86 and in poor health, but life is not worth the misery I experience and everyone there will agree. It is terror with capital letters.