Improve Elderly Communication: Demystifying Your Aging Parents' New Stage of Life

This article is wonderful. I read this as a way to get some insight into others experiences and also being in healthcare, what others may also come to find. Realising that this journey is always about healing, coming to terms and finding development and growth points has really brought an ever-lurking message forward. Trust in your family as the ultimate source of validation - this is a great source of healing. Thank you

It is a brilliant article and one I hope to use to improve the quality I give to my ageing mother Thanks I needed to read this

Amazing information. Thank you. This is the best one yet.

This is the best article I have read to date about caring for elderly parents. My parents are both 92 and were in excellent health until 5 months ago when my mother became permanently blind. She went from self-sufficient senior to depressed and helpless in a matter of days. I wish more than anything I could have her back the way she was - and I wish I appreciated her more the way she was instead of losing patience and arguing. We do need to cherish our parents (even when they drive you crazy) because things can change in an instant. This article has really helped me to understand things from the elderly perspective - thank you.

How do I talk with my children about what is going on with me? I am 63 I am still pretty active but friends are asking me if I have talked with my children about my forgetfulness and needing help remembering my doctors explanations of several health issues that I should tell them about. I have always taken care of myself but realizing that I need help but do not want to be a burden on either of my two children who live across the country,are not married, do not have children but have careers that are very demanding. I taught them to go do what they love. They did. I have great friends but we are all getting older some have passed away. I believe my daughter thinks I will be able to take care of myself forever. If I mention I am forgetting words she says..yes, isn't that frustrating, I do that too sometimes. Don't worry about that your doing great. I did have to ask my son last month for some money to help with somethings that come up once a year. Then he calls and tells me that this means he won't be able to come home for Christmas. Christmas has been the only time of the year that I have seen him for several years. I get the 5 minute phone call from my daughter on Christmas day. And here I sit thinking I am asking for too much. We were close when they were growing up. My son and I did lots of camping and hiking. My daughter and I have looked at things differently on some things but I have always been there to help her. Overall she and I agree on things except when mom asks for something from her. This has only been a few times, and were small request like going somewhere with me. She has an important job that I support her doing and my son is a captain with a fire department in Colorado.. They are caring people just can't see mom needing anything. I am realizing that I am not the only person with this issue. We are still able to be a part of decisions about our care but want and need to be a part of going forward with our lives while we still can. How can I address this?

Great and timely article for I am experiencing this with my mom. My greatest fear, however, is that while my mother is striving to maintain her independence and dignity, she continues to make decisions that could impact her life, such as driving, falling because she wants to keep up with others or not receiving the care and support she needs because she has alienated herself from everyone. Specific strategies to address these types of scenarios would be very helpful; if they were mentioned in the article I missed them.

Hi I lost my father in 2011. He and my mom were married for 55 years. When he got ill i took care of him for 6 months in and out of hospitals because my siblings couldnt handle it. My mom lost Her soulmate and now lives with me and my partner, since 2012. She has many medical issues and is very stubborn. I'm learning how to cope to give her the best of what's left, but I get so frustrated that I find myself arguing with her. It hurts me because she has difficulty expressing herself. She wants to be independent and doesn't want me to nagging her to shower. Help me understand her better please. I want her to be happy.

My mom has sleep apnea. My dad cant sleep because he has to jostle her if she starts chocking or breathing in the middle of the night. She refuses to use the cpap machine. I thought about an adjustable bed?

My mother is 78 years old, I quit my job to take care of her 5 years ago. She has always told my sister and I that she wants no heorics to be done to prolong her life. My mother had her bladder removed in 1989 and has a Koch Pouch, she chronic bronchitis, Sundowner's and Multi-Resistant Pseudomonas Pneumonia in her lungs and bladder area. She has been hospitalised for all the above more times than I care to mention. She has wasted away three times in the past five years to less than 70 pounds and through feeding tubes along with two daily meals, I have gotten her weight back up to 100 pounds, each time more profoundly difficult than the previous time. Her cousin recently mentioned to me that what I am doing is heroic. I guess I never thought about it that way. Any thoughts.

These are great perspectives, let’s hope more people adopt them to better understand their parents.

I love your article.

any help trying to make her understand me will be greatly appreciated because I believe she has dementia.

My elderly father talks nonstop and won't listen to anything we say. He lies constantly and now says he knows my husband "pokes" or "hurts" his dog when he's not looking(he's never seen it, he just knows). My husband would never hurt any animal and helps my father more than anyone. There is just know reasoning with him. I try to have patience with him, but he complains constantly. We are in our 60's and it's getting tougher!

This helped a lot in that I have no idea how to respond to my stubborn, independent, self-reliant parents. My father is the worst and has become abusive. I am at wits end.

What do you do when some of the "legacy" a parent is creating is an out and out lie just to make themselves look good. i.e. a couple of years ago I had a seizure which caused me to collapse and pass out (fortunately my wife was there to call 911). My mother never left the dining room table, but her version is that she came into the room and said "breath Howard breath" and I started to breath. Pure BS but sounds much better than "I sat at the dining room table finishing my brunch while my son died in the next room."

Less verbiage and more concise steps.

I understand their trauma stories, but at 60, I have health problems myself.

Regarding the vision failing and the need for eye glasses example. My mom, while in rehab could not see the TV (10 feet away) without her driving glasses. So, when she was out of rehab, my siste took her to an optomotrist for a eye check and had to buy new glasses which she now refuses to where because "old people need glasses to drive." Of course this is the same woman who passed her last driving test by borrowing the glasses of the DMV clerk behind the counter. She lied to the clerk and told her she "just forgot her regular driving glasses" and the VERY nice clerk offerred my mom her( the clerk's) glasses so my mom passed.

If someone could give me a few tips for a single adult male child (middle aged) caring for both parents beyond their seventies. Father still insisting on work involving traveling inspite of health issues.

Our parents are only here for a borrowed amount of time. Make the most of that precious time because once they are gone, nothing can take you back to them. Don't forget about the people that brought you into the world. Yes it can get crazy when they mention things that have no relevance, and when they decide to re-live past moments but this article explains why....it's part of their life cycle. The great love that i have for my parents outshines everything. Remember, if you want to be in you childrens life tomorrow make sure you are present in their lives today.

I'm sending this one to my children and will use it in my work with other family care givers. Very insightful and helpful.

I am 65 now and so is my wife. My Mom is 91. I try but, do have problems talking with her about important things she does not want to deal with. This helps.

i am a nurse instructor who teaches in gerontology and have a 85 year old mother who is suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome and I suspect paranoid schizophrenia(although never medically diagnosed). She experiences auditory hallucinations as well as delusions that people are against her at times. She has been suffering from schizophrenia unofficially for many decades probably due to very traumatic losses and events throughout her life. I have an elder sister, 2 older brothers and a younger brother who is 43. My sister is 64, my older brothers 62 and 57. Sadly, my older siblings have very little patience and tolerance for my mother's hallucinations an delusions and respond to it by yelling, berating, demeaning, name-calling and other psychological forms of abuse. They refuse to understand that my mother doesn't chose to have this illness and that aging is not a sin or crime. As I read this article, it really rings home how ignorant and selfish my older siblings are because they don't want to take the time to listen or to be more educated on this matter. They refuse to listen to me; as I am younger than they are--they take offense to being "taught" because of their ridiculous pride. I have tried hard for the past 2 years to convince my mother to come and live with me and my family instead of with the older 2nd brother--unfortunately, being from a traditional chinese culture, she is delaying this as she still worries about my brothers; two of whom are still unmarried and without significant others. My mother has always been a strong and determined woman who endured so much hardship raising us through poverty and abuse--that is why I am fighting hard to stand up for her but it's not easy because she doesn't fully co-operate with me because of her mistaken loyalty to her sons. Nevertheless, this article has only strengthened my resolve to be there for my mother no matter what!

Yes, my son who lives with us, and his Dad are constantly argueing, as our son does nothing to help out and we feel used, he is on disability (our son). My spouse is quite sick and fragile, though very moody and irritable, constantly cutting down our son hoping he will go away. It is a very negative atmosphere on a daily basis, and I am in the middle, and trying to find a home to buy. One of the losses that bothers my spouse is that we sold our home last June and we are renting. He had to quit working at age 50 due to health issues from his work, has good pensions, and wants us to be alone again. We have lost touch with reality, friendships and family times. We haven't travelled since last December, and this winter has been gray and gloomy and wet. I get no breaks from these two, and this article has helped me understand what my spouse is going through, and that my son does not understand at all, they are both self-centred in their own way. and both are dealing with depression and my spouse has PTSD and anxiety as well as other illnesses. Thanks for the helpful article.

What an insightful article--two things stood out most for me. ONE, "elderly people have pressing life tasks they need to accomplish if they're to end their lives with resolution and meaning." I recall working on our association bylaws with my bedridden neighbor...one week before he died. He worked til the very end. TWO, the examples on page 4 that help us to better understand; especially, the first one. We do need to take time, be patient with our elder loved ones, and listen. SOMEDAY, we'll be wanting to tell the stories of our lives. Will we be heard?

I understand that getting old is not easy to deal with and I try to understand, but I am getting really tired of people in my family who seem to think that only seniors have losses, or bad health, etc. Even a trip to the store results in arguments when they don't have what she wants - it is somehow my fault that the universe does not not meet her every need. With all the seniors in my family, I am constantly jumping through hoops to please. Unrealistic to expect that a person who has always been controlling will suddenly become a sweet, easy going senior. When I bring up a young person who has been in a horrible car accident or the fact that young people have medical issues, all I get is 'well it's different when you're older.' Sorry, but I think it's a bit of a selfish cop out.

I found the comments about legacy interesting. My father-in-law seems hell-bent on making one up. i.e. if it had not been for him the company he worked for never would have sold a thing (all the execs were idiots), and regarding his WWII experience, while talking about an MRI he recently had, he burst out that he might have had schrapnel in his body ( he never left the continental U.S. during the war.)

Very intellectual oriented, but contained nothing for practical use. Might be relevant for research but not helpful for audience who are dealing with this and other issues.

Photos, books, and memories can all be lost so my family has started to document our own lives and also the stories of others in our family on a website called www.famento.com. Unfortunately, we learned the hard way that this is something so important for us to do. When my grandmother passed away about 10 years ago at the age of 85, we realized that we had lost all the stories she had about her own life and those of other relatives in our family. Now we're trying to piece together at least all the memories we have of her so that future generations can know the legacy she's left behind, and get to know her as a person through these stories. I encourage all of you to do this yourself, and get your family involved.

My mother is 91 and still lives on her own. This summer she still mowed her own lawn. I think she continues to do this because it is a control issue[ no one can do it correctly] We want to help, but she gets so angry and mean. She is alienating people. She still reads , controls her finances and much more. Any ideas on how to open a conversation to find out the source of her anger?

In todays age many seniors are too busy to be reflecting on events in the past. Todays demands are the same for people of all ages. Survival !

I am an 84 year old male that lost his wife, of 52 years, to a devastating illness, 8 years ago. I visit her at the cemetery at least once a week. It helps me control my loss. She was an angel. I don't like living alone, but have learned to accept it. Our three children check on me almost every day. They don't interfere or try to control my life. I love them dearly and will do anything and everything they ask me to do. I keep as busy as I possibly can programing computers, attending faternal organization meetings and helping other people with minor problems. Elderly people can take care of themselves, with a little bit of compassion and understanding, as long as they are not handicapped or bedriden.

Having recently lost my father, who was a brilliant man battling dementia, and having lost my mother six years ago, this article REALLY resonates with me; and I hope everyone fortunate enough to still have their parent(s) with them will take it to heart on all levels. Our ancestors are our roots and our living links to our cultures and what makes us "us". In my backgrounds, they are the most honored members of society. This must not be lost! Love and honor your ancestors, no matter where you come from. They gave you life.

I wish this artical was available when my mother was here and I was looking after her. Very little did I know what she was going through. I wish I could turn back the time. My patience was short with her and I was too busy to spend a lot of time. I miss her greatly. Thank you for this article. Now I understand better what she was going through, but I still did my best. I just wish I would have had more knowledge.

Good and helpful article. We need more information on the elderly. I not only need it for my mother but I live in a city that has a high population of elders and any information regarding their developmental stages would be useful. Also, useful would be articles about how adult children can be caretakers to their parent when their heart is not in it due to the abuse the adult child may have suffered from the parent in childhood.

Excellent article. It makes navigating the waters of my parents lives with greater understanding and therefore focusing on the positive. Thank you

Wow, I wish I had found this website sooner. The descriptions sound so familiar, I had to chuckle because the scenarios could be scripted from my conversations with my father. Thanks for providing great support to those of us dealing with our elderly relatives.

I too am beginning to realize the impact of oss of friends and family members.I can imagine how Mom feels being the only one in her family left. Her friends are all my age! I tyr to leave her friendship with them alone and not take over the relationahip even though i like them all! How lucky iIam to have her be 92 at my age of 65! I am the only person I know who still has her mother alive.