Caring for a Difficult Older Adult

Try these strategies to remain effective and sane when you're taking care of someone who's difficult
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over 7 years, said...

help....I'm in Atlanta. i am trying to help my wife deal with her father. He is 77..lives in an apartment with his 15 yr old dog. He can no longer care for his self. he has become a shut in..relying on family and friends to bring him what he needs....increasingly he has lost control of his bodily functions and soils his self...we try best we can to keep his living area clean...but cant keep up. he receives too much monthly for gov help...cant afford any facility in the area...he drinks to access...is obstinate about his health and our efforts to help....short of the state coming into to take him away for his own safety....i don't know where to turn........any advice?????????


over 7 years, said...

These are great suggestions, but (yes there is always a but!), they are for those who have some insight into their condition. My 93 year-old dad has had major personality changes (frontotemporal dementia) for the past 8 years. He lives in IL, but is not independent. He hides used Depends, hoards money, and has no friends (was very social in past, a wonderful dad). I live 150 miles away and go up 2-3 times per month to clean, do meds, etc. I understand the physical changes with aging, but the major personality changes are making me crazy. No amt of talking is going to help. This may continue for another 10 years and feel horribly guilty that I just want it to end.


over 7 years, said...

To Fellow Commenter: Yes you have kept your promise to your mom, have remained a loving daughter even with your dad's challenging behavior and have been overseeing care at his facility. I commend you for that and you should as well, do not feel guilty or that you have failed in any way, you haven't. If you now feel you must set a limit for yourself in visiting him, do so., cut back in baby steps, sounds like you have started that already, limiting days and timeframe. I am a caregiver to my brother for 5 years now, and yes, I let my mom know I would not abandon him "if ever." He chose to live 1000 miles away forever and he developed ALZ. He was a "tough brother and son" his personality the same, but worse due to the disease. There is no filtering, he says what he wants, words laced with profanity. I have to be "on my guard" watching what I say and do, taking off his socks or glasses can be a challenge. I came to realize, just recently, I will be having to step back, make changes. Car rides, taking him out alone, are now more challenging, I need strong support. I know that changes are inevitable, there will be guilt and sadness, I will try to remember my Mom's words, "You'll have to be strong." I think it's crucial to realize our limits on what we are able to do no matter what it is at any age, and, I am finding our body and mind does let us know when we are pushing. We have to "give a crap" of ourselves and remember that each day is a blessing. I sense you will visit, for you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with your occassional one and then reward yourself. Caregiving is hard, physically and mentally, it can beat you up. Support is limited as well. Don't forget about you, take care of you! God Bless Caregivers


over 7 years, said...

this article may be good for some people and has some nice guidelines, but caring for a difficult person who is mean is harder than one says. I promised Mom, I would take care of dad after she passed, but he only makes it harder and harder. I am now the sole target of his abuse and criticism. My sisters have left me to take care of dad, who has always been difficult and emotionally abusive. Now in an assisted living, he is even meaner and I am the sole target. Visiting him every other day, went to 3 times a week and now is two times a week. Soon it will be one time a week if his abusive behavior continues. and then, who knows, I just don't deserve this. He has always been verbally and emotionally abusive and now it is more amplified and directly solely to me, It makes it hard to visit him, and honestly, at 63 I just don't deserve the abuse anymore. Sorry Mom.,,, sorry mom, but I tried.


almost 8 years, said...

Thank you so much for this article and the people who wrote comments... I am just beginning this journey with my mother and I am anxious about how to handle the situation. It never was easy between us, not because we are mean to each other, but because we simply don't have the same approch and perspective about life. All my life, I tried and be the most positive and joyous person I can be, while my mom is more on the pessimist side. Since I moved part time with her into her home to take care and accompanied her, my biggest concern is that she'll drag me down on a spiral of bitterness and negativity. Could be a good time to start jogging to blow some steam... and get fitter by the same occasion


almost 8 years, said...

Helping our parents lead to meaningful relationships. We grow old together. I am dad's caregiver and have a full-time job.


about 8 years, said...

Looking for support. I'm living with my father and care giving. I feel called to do this and am easily frustrated, especially after the recent passing of my mom. He has always been difficult. He thinks I have ulterior motives and our conversations often end up with him telling me to pack my stuff and leave. He often treats me poorly and like a child. This is taking a toll on me. He doesn't realize that I've given up quite a bit to do this, that somehow this is gravy and I'm on the gravy train. I've been frightened by his voice alone my whole life. Just looking for some sage advice from someone who has gone thru something similar. Thanks


about 8 years, said...

My father refuses to bathe. If asked, he will say that he did. My mother has tried to encourage him. It's been at least a year or more. Way back, when asked he said that he gets so sweaty after taking a shower that he doesn't even feel clean. That must have been two years ago. My Dr. said that it's one of the first signs of Dementia. He does have some kind of Dementia, but it's difficult to know when he's "with it" or not, because he's become so uncommunicative. He rarely talks. Part of that is that he can't find the right words and he's unwilling to appear 'infirm'. Has anyone had success getting a parent to bathe, who refuses to do so ?


about 8 years, said...

where do I find a geriatric care manager around allen park, mi?


over 8 years, said...

My 96 uyear olf dad lives with my hudband and me. He is becoming immodest So far I have not redpondef or reacted to him about this. However it bothers me enough to trigger episodes of IBS, irritable bowel syndrome. I would appreciate suggestions.


over 8 years, said...

No I did not find this article at all helpful though it could give others some insight and assistance. To a point I have enjoyed being of help with an occasional verbal thank you. Now it is going on nine years and I have given far too much to an self absorbed and mean person who just happens to be my father. At 103 years of age he was in the process of dying in July but no longer is. Caregiving as one of seven siblings, and the only one in the area where our father lives I would advise moving away to anyone who wishes to save themselves from such a horrific experience. He refuses any caregiving assistance as well as hospice care. He is mean, extremely self centered and can well afford to have care into his home. At this point I am angry and extremely resentful not only towards my father but also towards siblings who could manage to give some financial assistance to me as I also work full time, or at least attempt to.


over 8 years, said...

I am the sole caregiver for my 9-years older husband who is deaf and also has trouble with recent memory and understanding even when I am finally (by yelling at the top of my voice) able to make him hear me. He loses at least a couple of things every day. I have started to require him to wash the dishes after meals, and look for his own lost items, although I usually do end up looking for, and usually finding them at my convenience, otherwise he would never even get out of his chair. This is what I think. If young couples had any idea what old age would look like taking care of a spouse, many would probably choose not to marry at all; it's difficult enough dealing with one's own old age, pain, and disability. You are the caregiver; no one is taking care of you. Although everyone tells you to take care of yourself, they show their concern, by staying away. If you hire a stranger to come into your home to help, you run the risk of being exploited.I read the other day about a woman who had been a public guardian and then went into a private home care business who then exploited her elderly clients.You don't know whom you can trust. The elderly are sitting ducks for predators. At this age, love has very little to do with it. The caregiver spouse often dies soon after the spouse they cared for, not out of love, as the romantics like to think, but from sheer exhaustion. To survive, I do what I can when I can. I have very painful arthritis Housework is haphazard. I keep to the basics: meals, grocery shopping, laundry, yard care, medication administration,reminding him about taking his inhalers and nebulizing at specified times, transport to his dr.'s appointments, finding someone to do needed repairs that he neglected before he was disabled, bill paying, negotiating with the phone and cable companies to keep prices down, etc. It is all on me now, and I will survive, but believe me, love wears very thin. I am tired, angry, and irritable most of the time. I hate everything about old age.


over 8 years, said...

An abundance of good points here. If you are a caregiver to someone suffering with memory impairment, dementia or Alzheimer's there are probably going to be personality changes that will occur at sometime. I think it's important to realize that all the books you may read, seminars you find the time to attend and coaching and support groups you seek out may not prepare you for behavior issues. It is said that personalities can or may change with the disease, but, I have witnessed, for the most part, the person and personality are really the old self, any negativity seems to be more pronounced, winning over positivity. I do believe it's because of the anxiety, depression and frustration of the disease. I am my brother's sole caregiver diagnosed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago, he is 69. He chose to live 1000 miles away, far from family and home, for 40 years, loving his independence. This choice didn't aid in brother/sister bonding then, and now, with his affliction, it's a challenge, yet I remain relentless. Yes, this makes for doom and gloom at times because providing him with the help and support he needs can be met with resistance. I made the decision to help him on this journey hearing, "Fasten your seatbelts," and "It's a roller coaster ride," not detouring me. Living alone was not to be any longer, him in denial, me comprehending that progression would win with time and a someday will come. He is still in denial, probably easier for him, the "A" word not mentioned since 2011 and "I don't need any help," being his favorite phase, so, my responses and words are chosen carefully and with thought. I have had to educate myself, knowledge is power, and I have had to stray off course at times dependent on circumstance, day, or moment. I learned, after many errors, that begging, reasoning, showing fear or tears was not the solution for helping him or me. I realized it was ok to fib, to not strive for reasoning, to avoid and ignore negativity and attempt to reinforce positivity. I've become a pretty good actress, it's constant work, but my goal has been to eliminate drama and stress for everyone, to remember we are all important. I learned that there is no shame in reaching out for support and that day programs, respite care, seeking out and having good help is a life raft. You proceed with caution as usual, but, it's ok to relinquish control at times and learn to trust decisions, instincts and yourself. You have to re-charge and take care of you without any guilt-trips. It's been trial and error, but, I'm not sorry about the decision I made 4 years ago. I Thank God he is holding his own with this terrible disease. I'm glad to witness his old feisty, independent personality and spirit. Family, love, memories matter. God Bless All Caregivers!


over 8 years, said...

This is all great information for someone who is taking care of mom, dad, sister, or brother, but what about a husband? My husband of 25 yrs. who is almost 69, has had 3 strokes, and has no sense of reasoning, or balance. So he falls a lot, and with his lack of reasoning, refuses to use a walker as he has been told, he also was told no more driving, but they never made it official, even though he has totaled out his jeep, which he rolled, and thankfully know one was hurt. He has always been stubborn, but now he is almost to hard to live with, I now have high blood pressure due to all the stress, and to top it off I have a bulging disc and a sublocation of a vertebra in my lower back, from picking him up or helping him up off the floor. I have asked the Dr.'s to try to help me but there isn't much they will do. He refuses to let anyone else help him so getting home health to help me is out of the question. We have a big house with 2 acres of land to mow, and I am the one who has to do it all now. He won't agree to move, because we have 6 cats and he will not let me get rid of them, at least 4 of them, so we could move in to a 55+ retirement community. Our house needs some repairs, but he says it is his money, and refuses to pay for anything other then the normal monthly bills. But it's okay to spend over $300.00 a month on the cats! I'm at the point of filing for a divorce just to keep my sanity! I have had to cut back to part time working as he has become a full time job. If I could get him in an assisted living place near here, that social security would pay for I would, but at this point I just don't know what I am to do. His children have told him he is lucky to have me and have told me they appreciate all I have done for him, but they don't have time to help me.


over 8 years, said...

Reconfirmed what I have learned along my life experiences.


over 8 years, said...

very helpul thank you


over 8 years, said...

I live with my difficult mother as her 24/7 caregiver and have been here 14 yrs. She is now 97. My siblings think I have a free life. I have given up doing much of anything with my grandchildren. I am a caregiver thru an agency so there isn't any funds left for respite or it takes away from my small paycheck which I haven't gotten 1 raise in the 14 yrs of being here. With the help of a counselor who has since past on I did get the small house which is worth 68,000 turned over to me but now they think I have been paid for the 14 yrs. They just don't want to see that 68,000 would only reimburse 1 year at a nursing home. I was told yesterday that my one sister called my mom up saying to her that "Donna is getting everything, right mom?" so now my mom is going thru the house telling me what she wants them all to have. About a year ago I talked my mother into giving this sister mom and dad's very first piece of furniture which was a solid maple kitchen table in good shape. I could have kept it but I talked mom into giving it to her. but she says she has nothing. Yes I may end up with material possessions but I feel as though I lost my freedom and my life. My other sister and her husband both called my mom on the phone SCREAMING at the top of their lungs that mom gave me THEIR inheritance. but neither of these sisters have the time to help me cause they have busy lives and when I do get them to commit to a time they cancel at the last minute. I don't want to see them or talk to them but this will cause conflict between mom and I and it's difficult enough. I am at my wits end. Any suggestions are appreciated.


about 9 years, said...

My mother has always brought fear and distrust to any relationship. In her 83 years, she has developed some wickedly effective techniques to control others. Now that Dad is gone, she is feeling more threatened than ever, and my faith is her target. She has just moved to assisted living, where they may or may not allow her to continue to stay. It depends on her ability to control herself. We'll see. I have struggled with the slippery slope between "honor thy parents" and "deliver us from evil." I have held my tongue, helped her past any reasonable expectation, and have done my best to honor and support her physically and emotionally through many hospital stays and recooperations, as well as been there in precious few good times. She abuses hydrocodone and Lunesta 3. I have called all of her doctors and told them the effects of these drugs on her. (By the way, medical power of attorney means nothing, as she can and has revoked it several times.) However, she is amazingly capable of putting up the front of the grand old lady when she needs to. When this tack doesn't work, she transforms into Cruella Deville and the Wicked Witch of the West all rolled into one. I have grown in understanding that when she intentionally threatens my communion with God, I have to step away for self-preservation. I know God does not make us victims. We have the responsibility to grow from where we are planted. Whether Mother grows or not is not in my hands. But if I choose to continue to be abused, then it's on me. I've had 63 years to do the "forgive seven times seventy" and "turn the other cheek," but Jesus and Paul both shook the dirt from their sandals and walked away when their messages went unheeded. I'm not some Bible thumping self-righteous, unforgiving person. I try to live right and learn from every situation. God's not through with either one of us yet.


over 9 years, said...

Great explanation


over 9 years, said...

my step daughter's mther has had problems with drugs and has had also hop lifting charges and stealing problems now is being asked to move from her location n san perdo and needs to find another that will take only the ssi for payment


almost 10 years, said...

Thank you for the article. It is really helpful read. It is also hopeful and promising during the times when one begins and one considers.


about 10 years, said...

What you described in the article is so true for me. As a only child and my Father gone for 26 years, my Mom and I love each other BUT it has been a difficult relationship since I was young because she was strict and controlling and became more intrusive when I was married. However, now I feel that we have a second chance for a better relationship in the last stage. She just beams when she sees me however still presses my triggers which I do ignore but the difficulty is the guilt and sadness of how her life is ending, plus it affects your own mortality because your fear is that you will follow this same journey but I won't have anyone to be my caregiver as she has had. The difficulty is now dealing with her struggles of losing her last shred of independence. It is so painful to take everything away from them that they treasure in life but it has to be done. What an ugly disease for the patient and the caregiver.


over 10 years, said...

I'm in a Masters program in Aging Studies - We cover many subjects including socioeconomic, financial, and health of our aging population. The subject of cargiving of the elderly especially a loved who suffers from dementia, and other health related issues was this week's topic. This article fit right in. Thank you.


over 10 years, said...

My mother is one of the difficult ones. She declined rapidly this year, her 80th, and after many falls, fractures and pneumonia, landed in the nursing home. Now as she gets better and realizes where she is, rage and denial set in, all directed at me, her daughter and only remaining relative. The endless phone calls, demands, suspicion that we're undermining her are tough to take. Given the fact that my mother, a classic narcissist and Puella, refuses to come to terms with her condition - made worse by short term memory loss - what's a daughter to do? She's already convinced her doctor to allow her out of the home unaccompanied - goes to the bank and is bewildered and angry to learn (again) that I have her Durable and Health POA. Yesterday she took a cab and showed up at my house! I quickly put her back in the cab and back to the nursing home. Assisted living is an option with her medicaid approval, but she refuses to go there, siting that Medicaid takes her Social Security. I point out that she never did a thing in her life to take care of her self - no savings, no long term care insurance - because she was never going to get old! She never helped herself and no she refuses to let us help her. In fact she wants me to take care of her, but she has so many health issues an assisted living apartment with skilled nurses at the ready is the best answer. She won't co-operate and I'm out of ideas and out of patience.


about 11 years, said...

the whole idea of not allowing patient to manipulate or push buttons because my client is very good at pushing buttons!


about 11 years, said...

Dearest Melanie, does your mom have any friends or relatives that she enjoys speaking with on the phone> anyone? I used to run up and call my aunt in Holland and tell her mom was having a bad day. She would call back and I would say, "Mom phone it is Holland calling", she would immediately light up and change her entire attitude when talking to her sister. Elderly people hate being dependent on anyone, including their own children and my mom was the same way about food and shopping etc. One thing we had in common was that we both loved to garden. I got really clever at changing my tone and asking her a ? about her garden when she was in such a mood. I know it is really hard not to be emotionally involved with your mom, but I had to sort of detach myself from her moods. I would let her comments roll off my back and simply ask her a question I knew she knew the answer to and let her feel smart and answer me. No matter what her voice and tone were like I had to learn to make my response in a different tone than hers. I had to learn to let her to her opinions and not challenge them at all. It took me 18 years of living with her before I realized she was not going to change and if I wanted any sort of relationship with her I had to change. Moms have a marvelous way with guilt, but it has to be up to you not to feel it when it is dished out. You feel badly about your weight so she will use that to get a rise out of you to make her feel powerful when in fact she is feeling rather powerless now. This is what old age does, it takes away power. So lift your head up high and praise yourself every night, read Louise Hays if you have to and say affirmations to yourself but do not accept or take on the guilt she shovels at you because it has really far less to do with you than it does with her. Seems she loves her cats so that might be a good subject change. Try to keep smiling and if you cannot do that walk into another room and take a few deep breaths. I KNOW this is so hard, after all how long did it take me to learn this, 18 years!!! I wish I had learned this long ago, I wish I did not take on the insults she dished out to me but once I began to let them slide things changed for me. Does she go anywhere? Is there perhaps another person or group of people her age who get together. Would she go to a senior community center and join in any groups, I know my mom would not have done that but my dad did and he enjoyed it after he got over the fact that in his words, "You dump me here." I had to turn my back and walk out and leave it to the professional caregivers that worked there. She is legally blind but she can communicate so that is important, she does not seem to have dementia or maybe she does and is not willing to admit that she forgets. This can be a real problem if she is feeling she is forgetting and feeling she needs help she will also be feeling she does not want help and never wants to lose her independence. One thing you might do is sit down and simply pet one of her cats in a calm manner and let her just speak without responding. It sounds as if I am asking you not to have any emotions or feelings, but honestly when dealing with someone older it is important to realize they are really upset inside and it is you, the one closest to her, that she simply takes it out on. At some points in time, I would simply say, "Mom I am sorry you are not happy today would you like me to do something for you?" As for cleaning, I only cleaned when my mom went out to her one friend's house once a month. That way she came home to a clean house which she liked but could not see me throw things away that she would rather hold on to. I just never cleaned when she was there. But it seems the only time she gets out is to do errands is with you, which is way to strenuous on you alone. Have you thought about dial a ride for seniors? It is free and they all go shopping at the same time. If you need to perhaps you can hire an aide to go with her. Try a man aide, if she is resistant to you she might do better with a male aide, and there a loads of them some very kind and considerate. She will not treat someone she does not know the way she treats you, I do not think anyway. Hon, please stop feeling guilty after all you are the only one helping her. I know you want this relationship, but expect that she will never change and all the change is up to you this time. Please tell me if she has any friends at all, someone she can speak to who will cheer her up. If not then start looking for a good aide to help her out. Get someone in the house to clean too, that might work out better for both of you. Often times if you do not have the money to hire someone elderly people can be eligible for all sorts of help, that is before medicaid, when they still have money. In CT. there is CT Community Cares which allows a fair amount of money in the bank while providing cheap if not free services. Perhaps there is some group for people who cannot see where activities are performed. the hard part will be convincing her to go and then dropping her off. It took a few months for my dad to adjust being dropped off, but once I learned to just leave quickly, the minute he was engaged with a worker things went along fine. YOu need to share out your duties and since you are the only child you may have to do some good research and find yourself someone kind and capable who can help your mom and give you a break. The fact that you do not get a break is part of this problem, you so need to do stuff for you and not just for your mom who seemingly does not appreciate it or you will get only more and more stressed out. I took care of mom and learned to have a relationship with her, but I shared the duties, in other words I made sure other people BESIDES me were there for her. I have also taken care of dad for the last 5 years, It was only last spring that I finally got so sick I had to hire an aide. Now i have a live in aide as well as someone who comes daily, which is payed for through CT COM CARES. I have no idea how i took care of dad with Alz., Parkinson's, arthritis, stenosis just to name a few for all those years alone, but now I have help and my relationship with dad is so great, so much easier on us both now I have help. Please look for some help, find some place also for you to go to get your angst out, whether a fitness program or a walk every day, whatever it is get out and enjoy YOURSELF for it will help you and her. I wish you all the best, let me know if I can do anything. all my best to you gallant woman and wonderful daughter, always, annie


about 11 years, said...

Yes I feel that I definitely need a support group, to help me deal with the guilt, fear, feeling of worthlessness, never being able to successfully complete a task, job, errand, house cleaning to her satisfaction. I bring gifts to Mom, she never says thank you, she always say I don't like it. I am 52 and Mom is 72, we are both in poor health, although her arthritis is more severe than mine...she will not allow, or trust anybody to enter the home to help with housework,...we are both catlovers, I have one cat, and one Yorkie, she has 11 cats. I live 100 miles away from my mother, but when I visit her monthly to take her to the Dr. and take her to get her monthly supplies, food, medicines, pet supplies etc. She throws fits in the store, especially if they are out of the product that she desires. We sometimes spend 6 hours in Wal-mart. Mom is legally blind, I read all the labels to her, when I try to spot new food items that would be healthy for her consumption, it's an automatic NO. When I do have a pretty good day and feel like doing some detailed cleaning, if it's not her idea, it's automatically NO. She constantly complains about her house not being kept clean as she used to keep it, and that I'm not any help. But when I try to make things better than they were, it's still not good enough....Sometimes I really do feel like she wishes that she didn't have to depend on me for anything....I'm always there for her....I take her pets to the vet, I load at least 5- 20 lb. bags of cat food and put away the groceries. I try to cook, good things, but she always says there is something wrong with it...her diet consists of, cornbread, fried potatoes and boxes of Sugar Babies....last month she bought 10 boxes of Sugar Babies....I am obese, and she is always making remarks about fat people, when I call her on it and tell her that I feel like she's really talking about me, she says I'm being defensive...but how can I lose any weight at all, when I usually spend at least a week to 10 days a month with her and her kitchen rules....I am married, I have no children, we have been together for 17 years. My husband is 54, and he still works shift work, he is diabetic, and I feel like I'm abandoning him when I'm taking care of my Mom...He is very supportive, but he will not visit her because she is so rude and negative. I feel like I'm being pulled right down the middle, and I start stressing when it comes close to the time for me to go to Mom's for the monthly duties....I try to convince her to get out of the house and take a ride with me and let's look at something new and different, like the fall colors.....her reply is always NO, I'm hurting and I want to stay close to my bed. I understand that and don't push the issue any further. When I am at my own home I'm continuously concerned, worried and afraid that she has fallen and cannot get to the phone...we cannot afford the lifesaver necklace that alerts for Sr. Citizens..I call her daily to make sure she is okay and her tone of voice is ALWAYS ANNOYED that I have bothered her while she was watching a movie, or eating, or resting......I told her that I hated to interrupt her activities or rest....maybe she could just call me once a day to let me know she was okay....she called me twice and was very rude...replying..."Well I'm calling to let you know I'm still alive" so now you won't have to call today.....I start to stress and get depressed and anxious when I know that it is time for my monthly visit.....and I feel guilty at the same time, because I love My Mom and I know she won't be here forever, and I will regret not taking advantage of the time we have together now.....Only wishing that our time together now is more enjoyable and quality time too....Not just an obligation....I LOVE HER AND DON'T FEEL THAT SHE LOVES ME AT ALL ANYMORE...Please help me, give me some tools to work with, to counteract these uncomfortable, unbearable situations....I worked in a nursing home, and I never want my Mother to be in one of those facilities...PLEASE HELP US TO MAKE SOME GOOD MEMORIES<3<3::):):)


about 11 years, said...

helped with different ideas i can try. my mother [mod. dementia] tried to get out of our house on a regular basis. she has lived with us for 3 months. she constantly wants to go back to a church she was attending for about 15 years. it is 60 miles away but she wanted to get back there when she was 6 miles away also. she gets very angry and aggressive. i certainly welcome any ideas to try and get her mind off of leaving. thanks for your assistance. i may be writing in frequently.


about 11 years, said...

any info you can provide to help me deal with guilt and resentment at certain times, while taking care elderly parent.


over 12 years, said...

My mom was tough, when she yelled I would kindly ask her if there was anything I could do to help make her feel better. (It took me ten years to learn this!!!). My dad now gets delusional and can battle me under his breath, I lean over and whisper "I love you Dad". Often a kind response to an irrational and mean outburst can help them to refocus a little. When mom was angriest I would sneak up stairs and call her sister, she would call back from Holland and I would call, "Mom Tante Lies is on the phone!" Immediately she would shift to her Dutch self and be laughing. While they might be angry or not have their complete mind, we do have ours. Be clever, like a good teacher, use your humor when you can, and try some kind words in response to her/his mean ones. Then, when you cannot take it anymore, like someone said above, walk, pray, talk to others (especially helpful are geriatric psychiatrists). If need be find someone to take up the slack, someone that she/he cannot/may not take their anger out on. Try not to feel guilty, I try and think, God knows I am doing this from my heart and He will guide me daily. It often has a lot to do with, how are they in the morning, work with that, stay in the moment. Address things openly and honestly. Dad hates baths and swears under his breath at me. I work hard, moaning and groaning as I bend and stand and sweat through the process. In the end, he is far more worried about me than his focus on hating the bath. Because I taught very difficult kids for a career, I also know that you cannot let your guard down and show them you are insecure or afraid of what they might do or say, do things with confidence and a smile and do not back yourself into the corner of doom along with them. Stay confident, connected and joyful (whatever that might take to do it). Keep answers short and to the point and do not be wishy washy or afraid, simply explain what you are doing, and refrain from using any demeaning words, such as diapers or day care or even "helping you". I just say we are taking a shower now. Sometimes I just go do it, saying we do one thing at a time as he begins to worry about one thing or another. "Dad, I am just washing your feet now, we can deal with that later, one thing at a time please". I hope this was helpful to address the tough job of caring for someone angry, and most sick people are already angry they are sick. Use every resource out there, google it, call medicare, social workers, health care agencies, find out about free programs in your state. If the elder person's life only includes you, then you will be the scapegoat, often a day center can help refocus them. God Bless you all for what you do, please do not allow the guilt and frustration to take over, cause honestly they are quick to sense it and pick up on it. Take a breather to get your balance back and then walk back in and readdress the situation with calm assurance. It is not easy on caretakers or the person being cared for, we need to remember two are in a relationship and if one cannot or will not change then be willing to be the one that does. IN then end, it might help you get through not only their life but also their death. Again bless you all, wonderful daughters, sons, wives and caregivers out there!


over 12 years, said...

This article is a great reminder, that a lot of us caregivers go through especially those of us "on the front lines". It's especially important to try and maintain some sort of balance for ourselves learning to be responsive rather than reactive. Easy in theory-harder in practice. For myself, meditation, seeing friends, a respite to her pool to read for two hours does wonders. Just any little thing that will help give us those kind of breaks as we tend to our elderly parents. It was especially important for me as she has just returned from her second hospital visit this year.


over 12 years, said...

I love this article. It reiterates that the person I'm caring for cannot and will not change -- her behavior might even worsen -- which has been my fear. But it empowers (and encourages) me to avoid those behaviors that are triggers for me. I do have control--not to change mom's behavior, but more importantly, to change MY behavior. That's power - and might require a lot more work from me!!!


almost 13 years, said...

I have recently become a caregiver, "thrust" into the role as it were. There are no easy answers. I am an only child and am caring for my 891/2 year old mother. She refused to go into a nursing home and visiting her all the time is tense, terse and difficult. I have found finding some "down time" for your self is key. It helps reduce stress and keeps anger from rearing it's ugly head. Mostly we take it a day at a time. This could go on for quite some time and I have found that finding help with her care is at least useful up to a point.


about 13 years, said...

This doesn't really address the situation that many caregivers find themselves in while caring for a spouse whohas a long term disability and is difficult to deal with. There is not much choice in whether or how much to be involved in his (or her) care. You immediately become "it" and few family members are willing to help out in any meaningful, long term role. The longer the situation continues, the less willing they are to help. The chance of any respite care is slim to none. The financial burdens are overwhelming, and the community resources, especially for under 65's, are extremely limited. Friends and family members seem to become blind to the situation and/or just fade out of your lives. It's easy to suggest making plans and developing a support system. This may work for couples with strong family and community ties, but for those from dysfunctional families who are their main support for each other, it's a hard and lonely daily grind.


about 13 years, said...

Hi Bayou, Thanks for your comment. That sounds like a very difficult situation, I did find some information that might help you though. The first place you can look to get information on dealing with delusions here: http://www.caring.com/articles/alzheimers-disease-paranoia. You also might find the answers to this question useful even though it's not your exact situation: http://www.caring.com/forums/alzheimers-forum/accusing-me-of-stealing. I hope that helps. If you need further assistance, pleas let me know! -- Emily | Community Manager


about 13 years, said...

I am an only child and caregiving has come my way. My Mother, 89, has always had two ways of doing things the wrong way and her way. She constantly "see" a girl in her room who wears her clothes, uses her shower etc. She hides things so the 'girl' won't steal them, forgets where she hides them and accuses the 'girl' of stealing. Mother is at an assisted living place and I visit at lease once a week. I get 4-6 phone calls a day with the goings on of the day -usually negative. There is no reasoning with things she thinks to be fact. Any suggestions?


over 13 years, said...

My father was very abused growing up. When he was a man he started to drink. He has always been good at seeing your faults but never his own. My mother left him in 76 and died just before 9-11. My only brother was murdered in 91. My dads only brother died in 97. After they where gone his rage and bitterness turned to me. Now he is in a nursing home. Last year he asked me to be POA and I excepted. The truth is half of me loves and misses my father and feels bad for the life he has thrown away. The other half has rage and resentment for having to take care of a man who is always pointing the finger and is just nasty to most everyone. It is a constant struggle for now he wants to regain his freedom. He wants the bills back even thou he cannot pay them. He wants to drive but cant remember the day. He calls me to bring the dog that died several years ago. And in the meantime the cursing angry phone calls that even when soothed reappear in a few days because he forgets. The nursing home would rather not have him, Iv been told by senior staff., If I walk away I have guilt if I stay it is suffering. All the rest of my family is dead. I just had a son and even that introduction only went so so. But in the end as Christ hung on the cross he spoke the words" Father forgive them for they know not what they do" If you read this pray for me because this pushes me to my breaking point. But in the end I want to hear well do good and faithful servant enter into the joy of thy rest. I know even as I fail with this the Lord loves me. I just wish I could do better and not let the bitter words and hateful looks pierce so deep. I have to do the hard work with my dad now so that I have now regrets of the man I have become and the way I cared for others, even the most difficult ones. I hope this test is over soon. I must not be passing it as I seem to keep returning to summer school. I sure in the end the Lord gives us these challenges to sharpen who we are so that with are dependence on him we can grow as his children. I consider my momentary sufferings as nothing compared to what the Lord has prepared for those who love him. Paul had it right I wish i had his strength.


over 13 years, said...

It help me with my paperworks as a student.


almost 14 years, said...

Just finding others out there like me is so helpful. I no longer wonder why there are so many nursing homes. About at least half of the population is comprised of parents who feel they have license to be an asshole because they're dying. She's been evil her whole life. My mom has stage four lung cancer , (she never smoked), & has been a hospice patient since March 15, 2010. I have been through a myriad of emotions including anger & resentment towards her because she doesn't make things easy. And while I do GREATLY appreciate support from family & friends, the experience is also that much more taxing because I am an only child. Thank you for being here because I honestly feel myself inching closer & closer to a melt down. I need to pray more.


almost 14 years, said...

I take care of my 15 years older than me hubby. He was always a grouch, but no problem I could handle him. He has been ill since 2002 with Wegener's Granulomatosis. It has been hard because now he is grouchier than ever. But no problem everymorning I tell myself: Myself today you are going to be the nicest person on Earth. I ask the Lord, whoever he is, for lots of patience & dementia so I will not pay attention to all the hard moments. Everyday, I use the 5 things that are free in life and that are good for your health: Walk, sing, dance, love everybody & laugh. Those 5 free items make life easier. Gracias, Maria


almost 14 years, said...

I moved across the country to care for my mother since she wouldn't even consider moving to CA, where my husband, daughter and I were living. So we purchased a condo together in the mid-west. She wouldn't tolerate our dog, so we were forced to give her up. We also had to leave behind our wonderful daughter who wanted to finish college in CA. We had a lovely home with a swimming pool and I owned a small business which I thoroughly enjoyed. I gave up A LOT to take care of my mother and yet she felt it was my "duty" as her daughter to do this--there was never any acknowledgement of the sacrifices my husband and I were making to take care of her. We insisted she stop driving and even though I was always available to drive her anywhere she wanted to go, she resented the fact that we "made" her stop driving--she never forgave me for that. I did everything I could possibly do for her . . . made her meals, insured she took all her medication, washed her clothes, did her hair, kept our home clean, took her to multiple doctor's appointments and it still wasn't enough. There were times when she was pleasant but also many times when she was hyper-critical, nasty and demanding--much like she had always been only 10 times worse. I found a part-time job shortly after we moved here and she was upset--my "job" she said was to take care of HER! I also did some volunteer work. Those two things helped save my mental health. She died about two years later. It was a relief and initially I felt numb after she passed away. However, as time passed I became more able to recall all the generous, funny, loving, kind things she did in her life. I always loved my mother because she took such good care of me while I was growing up--but I didn't always like her as a person. I often think of her now with loving, kind feelings. While I realize I did the best I could possibly do, I wish I had been more understanding of her situation at the end of her life--I can now partially understand what it must have been like for her--to feel so powerless. My only advice to anyone in this situation is to do what you can, set boundaries, save part of your life for yourself and, mostly, be KIND and LOVING toward your relative, but also toward YOURSELF. It will probably be the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life!


almost 14 years, said...

I have been aware for many years that I would be the sole caretaker of my mother, even though I have five siblings. I accected the responsibility easily, but I never imagined that it would be so hard. My mother has always been strong willed and harsh but I was able to deal with her because I could go away when I needed to. Now that my father has passed and she is alone she wants company more than ever before. I feel guilty when I leave, knowing that she will sit for days, alone. However if I call daily to say hi, she gets angry because she feels that I'm babysitting. I worry if something happens she could lie suffering for hours or days. Suggestions are met with bitter resentment and completely ignored. Her mind is failing her suddenly and she will not talk about it. She takes it as an insult to her intelligence. I talked her into seeing a Dr. for a check up. They said she's fine. I don't know what to do. I feel like I shouldn't just walk away anymore but I'm beating my head against a wall trying to help her. The hardest part is not having ANY supprot from the family. They all live far away and seem to be glad that I am here to do it. They offer no support or advice but have plenty of criticism. I want to help my mom and be strong enough to do it, besides I can't just let her rot, she has no one else, but it's killing me. I thought I'd dealt with hard stuff before but this beats it all!


almost 14 years, said...

I took on the task of being the primary caregiver of my Mother just recently. I have three other sisters and in the beginning of this stage, everything seemed like it would all go quite well. Me, being the second child, and the business type of the family thought everyone will follow the plan. Little did I know, every single one of my sisters had their own plan. Being a Primary Caregiver to my Mom has been the most wonderful but yet very gut wrenching thing I have undertaken. I had learned so much about myself and my Mom and my sisters than ever. All that I can say is that, no matter what, have a plan, stick to the plan, and when the plans change, have your immediate family - your spouse and your children to be your primary support system because they see what you do and how you care for your ailing parent. Know when you have reached your limit and create healthy boundaries for yourself. I looked upon the Home Health Nurse to provide me the proper guidance as they have seen all the family dynamics before. In the end, assume that everyone in the family is helpless and don't know what to do. But know that if you are the primary caregiver of your Mom, you have a BIG JOB to do and if family do not pitch in and help, then they better not say anything awful or unhealthy. Learn to be Kind to yourself when no one else can be all because you care so much to care for your ailing Mom.


almost 14 years, said...

This may sound odd or uncaring, but in my case it has worked every time, with my family members and the people that I have had the privilege to assist. I believe it is more of a cultural upbringing! I live a predominate Finnish area and if you do not stand your ground right off the get go you will be walked over and treated badly the remainder of the time you assist them. So after the first couple of hours of playing tug-of-war with the new patient or family member so to speak and they see that you have what it takes to stand up to them and have the gusto, there is a bond that forms that is unlike any other. A trust that forms between you and them. They will disclose to you important health issues they have had in the past or are currently having that noone knows about. Sometimes they will tell you information that they will never tell other family members about themselves. I find that the whole experience that you get is life changing and only makes you a better person. Sure it is not all roses and tulips, there are some bumps in the road. But overall the experience you receive in helping them is life changing and now that I have done this three times I would never pass another opportunity like this again.


almost 14 years, said...

Forgive, forgive, forgive. If you can't do it on your own, make a decision with God's grace to forgive the difficult person, regardless of your feelings. Ask God to change your heart and to help you minister to the difficult person in their time of need. Do take time to rest, if at all possible, and forgive even yourself for your own shortcomings. Offer your sacrifice of patience to Jesus, whose death on the cross forgave us all, even if we don't recognize it. Bless everyone who is dealing with difficult people. We have no idea what the person has gone thru that has made them that way. Your loving touch may be the first that they have ever experienced in their life or may turn the tide of their behavior.


almost 14 years, said...

Becoming a care giver to an older relative can happen suddenly. Your entire life can become rearranged. It can be a traumatic circumstance for an entire family.You may experience intense feelings you have never felt before.Do not feel guilty for your feelings.No matter what give your self and your family breaks away from the caregiving. Find strength in experts and do not hesitate to get help and support from any resource available. Know you are not alone. Baby Boomers are facing these crisis everyday. Realize you are doing a service to your loved one and to your community and take pride in your commitment.If it becomes too overwhelming then turn it over and know you did the best you could.Forgiveness is key.