Caregiver Fatigue: 10 Signs of Caring Too Much

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about 7 years, said...

I don't think there's been a time period in my life when I wasn't a caregiver. I had an alcoholic father and a terminally ill mother during my tweens and teens. I was groomed to be a caregiver. I then had kids, one with an illness and disability. I also seem to attract a few needy friends here and there. Once my adult daughter had my grandson, she guild me into watching him full-time while she and my son-in-law work. I've had only about 10 months of freedom from caregiving in adulthood and during that time I lost weight, got in great shape and discovered my talents. Babysitting has once again sucked most of that away from me. I'm watching him 6, 12 hour days per week. I have no time for myself or for fun. It's much harder to go back to caregiving once you've finally gotten to care for yourself. I love my grandson but would prefer a grandmother relationship rather than a 2nd mom relationship. Now my cat is very sick and I can't easily get away from my baby grandson to take proper care of her. Its day's like today that I'd love to run away!


about 7 years, said...

damm, I've always felt I care too much about people...always...but I also felt like I'm taking care of myself whilst doing this. But reading through this and when the realization hits you; man its deep and pain full....


over 7 years, said...

Being the sole carer for a disabled mother I relate to the points made. Siblings either lived too far and preferred the non hands on approach or simply did not want to now. Not only was the role becoming stressful d at Ives unbearable but the resentment towards siblings grew. Unfortunately the selfish streak in my mother came out she appreciated nothing. I utility my life on hold for AA decade and finacial suffered then physically finally my emotional health took a hard knock. It broke my heart to put a wall up but I was having a breakdown and they did not care. Now I do what's needed no more and when finacince permit I will move on.


almost 8 years, said...

Gloomy days suck!


over 8 years, said...

No caregive support group nearby! I rely on online support!!


over 8 years, said...

Great tips. Thanks.


over 8 years, said...

I really appreciate all 10 comments and can relate to most of them


over 8 years, said...

Excellent article and advice. My wife and I were caregivers for three respected and loved parents and ... well, I will spare you the details and the stressors (although "strain" is a better word than "stress" because it involves how we respond to the stress). I had every single one of the symptoms you described, and none of them had a solution that was 100% successful -- "success" meant "a less-bad feeling" and rarely "a good-feeling," if you know what I mean. I've paid my dues and, at the risk of seeming insensitive, I'd like to respectfully point out that every single one of the "Ten Signs" has one thing in common, and that is, they all center around "Me." Sure, caring for someone seems unselfish thing to do -- and it can be -- but relating the difficulty of any situation to "how it makes ME feel" indicates something we should note. I can't give an easy answer to this one but it helped me to ask myself, "how are THEY feeling?" more often than "how am I feeling?", to keep telling myself that this was just an impression, and to carefully observe what was going on with as much mindfulness as I could muster. I think we can all learn from people like Louis Zamperini, Mother Theresa, etc. etc. who had it much worse than I did and still came out well. They had to reach within themselves and find the answer, and we did too. I think we can all look at other times in our lives when we were sleep deprived and overworked and needed a vacation and felt great pity for ourselves and the like, and I'll bet we came through OK. If it isn't making you a better person maybe it's time to try something different. Caring for our three parents was not done perfectly or cheerily, but we were proud of what we did because we did it for them, not for us. Sorry it may seem insensitive, but when I was going through all that and feeling great pity for myself, I wish someone had said it to me.


over 8 years, said...

I am thankful for this information. At the beginning of my caregiving lifestyle, I knew that I was getting into a lifestyle change, because of my work experience as a CNA and a HHA. I am prepared for the mental and emotional challenges. I was able to understand how much easier taking care of one person rather than the 9-12,five days a week. The true blessing came by way of my mother's doctors; they both explained that as long as my mom has been tended to for the day, leave her alone, that it would be unrealistic to be at her every beck and call. Just like when I worked as a CNA, patients call lights going off did not mean I had to run, it meant, I'll get there after serving the current patient. Summing it uo; I take frequent breaks just like I did at work. I schedule tasks in order to have a life. I take time for myself and don't stress anymore.


almost 9 years, said...

I can relate to many of the points noted in this article. Not that this helps anyone, but thanks anyhow.


almost 9 years, said...

I guess I'm in pretty bad shape after reading that, the answers aren't that easy with no help!!!!!!!!!!


about 9 years, said...

It's one thing to choose to be a caregiver - to have it be your profession. It's another thing to suddenly be thrown into it and unwillingly at that. Regardless of how "noble" it is, an unwilling caregiver can end up resenting their loved one for their unfortunate situation, as well as resentment on their own loss of a personal life. A dear friend is no longer to live alone. Her 30ish unmarried daughter is tasked with taking care of her. Daughter is doing her "duty" while her 2 married bothers do nothing to help. Daughter does her duty but is HEAVILY resentful - both at the brothers and at having the situation being placed ALL on her shoulders when SHE should be able to have a life and family of her own. And mom should live at least another 10-15 years, God willing, leaving daughter with NO chance for her own life or her own family. Yes, caregiving IS most definitely a noble PROFESSION for those who choose it, but it sometimes isn't so noble for family members who are stressed out and resentful, yet do their duty anyway.


about 9 years, said...

Caregiving is a noble proffession. Kindness is a primary qality for care givers. There is nothing called personal life. It is only a temporary feeling that we are not devoting enough time to family. It is only a feeling of personal guilt. Gradually one can over come. There is no need to worry.


over 9 years, said...

It's early stages for me- about 18 months, but I can readily relate to 4 of the mentioned items


over 9 years, said...

To realize that I am not alone and know I am definitely in need of a caregiver's makeover!!! And I must make a change right away. Thanks for the info.


over 9 years, said...

You make such valid points....I care for a spouse who has had Parkinson's since 1993 and for the past 10 years has needed constant care. I can handle most things but the dementia drives me crazy. I have found an outlet in doing volunteer work that can be done from home.... admin for our neighbourhood watch, efiling of tax returns for friends who have not kept up with technology, playing scrabble-type games via Facebook, following interesting people on Twitter.... The country in which I live does not provide affordable facilities for people in my husband's situation, and the worst thing is that the Parkinson's has manifested by making his feet "stick' to the ground, so that he falls if he tries to walk....the brain says go, no response from the feet... he has been almost wheelchair bound for years. His Parkinson's medication has caused orthostatic hypotension, so if he does stand up, his blood pressure drops very low. He even passes out sitting in the wheelchair. He has hallucinations; is now incontinent. He has sinus node dysfunction, has a pacemaker. I have cared for him 24/7, not because I choose to do so, but because everything else is unaffordable here. However, thanks to a facility funded by a church I am able to have a respite break twice a year which costs nothing except a donation of what you can afford. I do keep in touch with friends by email and telephone, but I intend to stop talking about the latest drama! (at the moment he needs an ablation for atrial flutter, have to start Warfarin, but he is a bleeding risk.... so tomorrow I have to start a new regime again...wish me luck!


over 9 years, said...

Everything you have said is true of what caregivers go thru. I feel the same way about taking care of my mother with dementia . I feel guilty all the time since her passing that I should have taken better care of her that she would still be alive. Recovery health, hospice, nurses said I did such a wonderful job of taking care of her but it was the disease that just kept progressing that she couldn't make it anymore and my mother didn't want to keep going on in such pain and misery.


over 9 years, said...

True article. Welcome to my world! You left out serious dental issues due to teeth clenching and TMJ!


over 9 years, said...

I can relate to some of these as a carer


over 9 years, said...

Paula, you nailed it again. I have been learning from you and that's not all, reading your articles makes me feel validated and understood. You have an easy way to encourage me to make a change here and there whenever I can. Thank you so much. Nancy M.


over 9 years, said...

My father died from Alzheimer's Disease, and my mother was his sole caregiver for 10+ years. She was convinced no one else could care for him, and she refused to get any kind of assistance with his care, including allowing other family members to help. Her physical and mental health suffered beyond description. She displayed every symptom listed here except that she lost a lot of weight, rather than being overweight or out of shape. She is almost a senior anorexic, weighing in at 83 pounds. When my Dad had to go into a nursing home because his condition had deteriorated so badly he needed round the clock medical care, she blamed herself for not being able to continue to care for him. She also believed that he was not receiving adequate care, even though no one else in the family saw anything but great, caring nurses and staff members who cared for his every need. She even believes today that had she taken him home with her, he would not have passed away from that dreadful disease. Alzheimer's took our Dad from us one painful day at a time. But being a relentless caregiver who refused any help ruined our Mom's health, both physically and mentally, and has robbed us of the mother we once knew. If you have a relentless caregiver in your family, do your best to get them some relief before you lose them both.


over 9 years, said...

I agree with this article except for the point #2. I don't think we caregivers are not interested in friendships. I the contrary, we need companionship. However, our reality doesn't allow for much "get away fun" time. Also, when we do have some time to ourselves, we sometimes need to be alone to recharge. I feel that most people who have not been caregivers lack an understanding of how difficult it is to be in our shoes. They don't want to hear how tired we are or how difficult caregiving is. Let's be honest, illness is ugly..and most people do not want to see, hear or talk about it. THAT is why the phone calls stop. Not because we had to say no too many times, but because people can't deal with the reality of how time consuming and exhausting caregiving is. They take the attitude of "oh well, when you are done going through this difficult time you can rejoin us" instead of "hey, I understand this is tough. I'm here whenever you need me, even if it's only for an hour a month for a quick coffee...and yes, feel free to let you guard down an talk to me about how you are really feeling instead of feeling pressured to say everything is "fine". "


almost 10 years, said...

It covered most of the feelings I experienced.


almost 10 years, said...

I am taking care of my spouse who is mid stage Alzheimer's. I am it. We live rather isolated. Thank God my spouse is pretty pleasant. My ex spouse came home years ago and stated he did not want to be responsible to me or the children anymore and left us. Now he is married to someone that went to school with our children. My daughter was talking to me one day about how her step-mom is a me person. Then in the same breath she says the only thing I want is for my Dad to be happy. This steamed me because my husband and I have sacrificed to raise them, helped with the grandchildren , given them help on getting a home etc. I get no help from her , yet she takes cruises and expensive vacations. I realize she lives pretty far away, but she has never offered to pay for someone to come give me a break as a gift, which I have asked for. Instead I get cut flowers for my birthday. Am I wrong to feel used? Feeling Used.


about 10 years, said...

Comments from Blessed Caregiver fits me to a tee. Educating myself on disease, reading all that I can about cause and effects and feeling like this is my "job" to care for my husband, as I also did for my first husband, now deceased. However, I did not choose this "job" or did I expect to do this "job" the second time again, but the good Lord had His plan for me, to do this "job". He says that He has this job that needs doing today, and you are going to do it. I have been some form of caregiver all my life. A caregiver for people who do not have anyone else to do the job. Either no children, no family, or no one who will step up to the plate. That's me. I did not choose it, it was chosen for me and I will try to do the best job I can. Hopefully I can keep myself together in the meanwhile. With God's help.


about 10 years, said...

Thank you for this article. I have re-read it a lot and all 10 symptoms are right on the money. I realized I was in the "caregiver rut" and knew I had to take a step back or risk making myself ill. I am my brother's caregiver afflicted with AD. What a life change for him and us. We were told, "Fasten your seatbelt," how true. Initially I immersed myself in educating myself about the disease thru reading and attending seminars. I learned the right things to say and do (making errors along the way). I searched for the right adult program for him and a support group for me (a lot of times after a session crying in my car). This became my job and I treated it as such, devoting 100%. I had someone ask me, "Are you trying to be the perfect caregiver?" That was one of many wake-up calls (sleepless nights, crying days, non-stop talking about AD) because someone noticed and cared. I realized I couldn't be and that I had to take a step back, cease the overwhelming sadness and dwelling of it all. I have to remind myself I can only do the best I can, realizing I may make mistakes. I accept the educating on AD may be on-going, things change by day/moment with this dreadful affliction and knowledge is good. You take each day as it comes and realize the importance of taking care of you as well! God Bless All Caregivers


about 10 years, said...

I have reread the article and some points may be helpful, but if you have tried all points in some fashion or another and nothing seems to working for you, then what? My husband is not at the stage, yet, to call in outside help from professional caregivers, nor would he agree to it. I'm IT at this stage. His children COULD be of some help and support, but choose not to be involved. Now what? How do I prevent burn-out for myself. I have some outside activities, but when I return home, I don't feel refreshed because it is the same thing over again.


about 10 years, said...

After a day of Hospice caregiving, the other staff ad the family fighting over the parents, I headed for the bed, for two years, my bed was my refuge and my dog. It was too consuming and after 2 1/2 years, the family laid off all the caregivers because nobody could agree on anything. I did not take those outlets of hobbies, etc. and I am hear to tell you, you must draw boundary lines If you don't you will be squashed. You have to like yourself, love yourself or you really are no good to anybody. Like it is said "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link." Practice, practice, drawing appropriate boundary lines. You will be delightfully shocked that people will react in a positive way to that. Since that job ended in 2012, I have felt relief and realized only when there is a competent team pulling together can caregiving be a great experience. I do not know if I will do caregiving again, but what I have learned will open my eyes and be more careful about just taking any job. Do what the article suggests, it really does help. Take help and have a great support group.


about 10 years, said...

I wish I had this article before my husband was discovered to have the cancer he had. I had all of these signs. I had very little help until the last three or four days and nights. I was stressed beyond belief and didn't realize it until I started recounting to a friend what my days and nights consisted of at that time. I almost died from the stress after my hubby died. Even now, five years later, I still have many problems handling stress and have had counseling so it can be handled better.


about 10 years, said...

Even tho my issue is caregiving my husband, & not a parent, I still was able to relate on some level to alot of what was written. Thank you.


about 10 years, said...

I retired from being a full time career RN March of 2013. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in July (I suspected this was the case for almost a year and was the reason I retired...to spend all of my time with my husband whom I love dearly). We were told it was a very aggressive form of cancer and had progressed too far to expect a good outcome. In other words, his doctor told us it was definitely terminal and in addition it could be very soon. That "very soon" lasted 7 and a half months longer and we were both infinitely fortunate that he was able to stay at home to the end and passed away in my arms. I can say without a doubt that I never ever felt it to be a burden, only a privilege, never resentment or impatience only love. I did have another RN to be a sounding board for different aspects of care he needed and somewhat unorthodox treatments that his doctor unfailingly gave me the go ahead to carry out. He was cognitively intact to the last moment and we had 7 months to plan and talk and wipe away any little hurts we caused each other in our many many years together. We went to kindergarten together so that was a very very long time. We were 66 years old, both of us and because I was older than him he every year he would call me the "old geezer" for 5 months until his birthday rolled around. But as we heated by wood, this past winter the splitting, stacking and keeping the fire going 24 hours a day was now my responsibility. The long driveway was also my responsibility to shovel (and as most North American's know this has been the worst winter in 20 years) and keep clear for delivery trucks with medical supplies and doctor's visits to our home. As time went on I WOULD and still do look at myself in the mirror and shudder at my unkempt appearance. Many times I would sleep in my chair beside his bed with my clothes on. Many nights I would sit in another chair so I could see his face and watch him breath (recall we were told it wouldn't be a long time in fact his doctor gave us a time of 2 weeks, back in July), as I was ever on the alert for a change in his breathing if he had had a particularly bad day. Our regular visiting nurse was our go to person to order new supplies like wheel chair, commode, bedrails etc etc. as my husband became weaker and weaker. Even with the wonderful support system I had and even though I taught our adult children how to give the injections for pain I had a very difficult time to leave the house due to wanting to be with him and in the last two weeks we were both afraid for me to spend anymore than a few minutes at a time outside attending to the necessary wood and shoveling snow. This same support team of family and friends have been at my side since he died two weeks ago. I can't impress on all of you who have taken on the responsibility of primary caregiver how absolutely imperative it is to have a support team. As strong as I am I could not have kept my sanity without the hands on help of our family and friends and various members of the health care team. All eventualities were planned for and though I would give anything to have him here with me, he died at peace in my arms. That takes planning and HELP. Please, it is not a sign of weakness to take advantage of all services that are available to help you. You will do yourself and your loved one a disservice by not sharing the workload. I am a Canadian and even I was surprised that everything we needed including respite nursing, wheel chair, nebulizer, suction unit, oxygen, bedrails, walker, drugs, dressings, EVERYTHING was supplied by our health care system at no charge. God Bless you for being a caregiver.


about 10 years, said...

I am the perfect example of this article/checklist. And I wouldn't have it any other way! I have been in the caregiving mode for about 10 years. My mother (Alzheimer's) and wife (Early Onset Alzheimer's) were diagnosed about 16 months apart. And I am/was their ONLY support for about 4.5 years until I had to relinquish control over mom and put her into an AD care facility when I could no longer juggle two at once. I have been blessed with the ability to fight the tiredness, stress and loneliness for all these years. I am the consummate control freak when it comes to caring for my family. I trust nobody else to catch the hidden signals that only the full-time, devoted caregiver knows. (My mother rarely asked for anything and my wife is aphasic so she can't tell me what she needs/wants.) Am I doing it wrong? Probably. But I wouldn't have it any other way. If you're looking for a hobby/diversion while caregiving I have three. All can be done any time of the day or night and can be dropped at a moment's notice. Reading, jigsaw puzzles and researching the family tree. And if you are looking for something to read try "Never Giving Up & Never Wanting To". A real page-turner about AD care. God Bless.


about 10 years, said...

Lord I don't NI how to say no you can't come back home or I can't to my children expecially living in Detroit we have family but only me and mine help each other but I was diagnosed with bipolar depression among other conditions what can I do.


about 10 years, said...

Having someone in the family to step up to the plate and help.


about 10 years, said...

Tho I haven't been a caregiver in 15 years (lost both parents the same year, months apart), I looked at and checked off just about every one of the 10 points. I still carry the guilt of almost feeling relieved when it was over (they both had been ill for nearly 2 years prior to their deaths), It took me nearly 3 years to FINALLY start feeling human again, but my husband didn't understand why I felt the way I did. Everything had been on MY shoulders (I'm an only) and had little to no help as they lived in a very rural area with little access to assisted living or in-home care. I had periods of insomnia, depression (I didn't know that's what it was until later), no energy. Just trying to get from 1 day to the next, 1 crisis to the next. Hubby was no help as his attitude was it wasn't his parents and not his problem, tho I continually begged for help with our child who was about 7 - 9 at that time period. It caused a LOT of built up resentment that manifested itself later on. He put work first and didn't seem to understand that his family came first. It wasn't until after their deaths that I realized all of what had happened and by them, I was so drained, I didn't know where to turn or what to do. I hadn't been able to grieve for the 1st because I had to take care of the 2nd, and then within months, she was gone. I realize now that it IS important to take care of one's self. If you don't, you'll go NUTS. I took care of them the best I could; got them the help they needed. One of the lessons I learned was that I will NOT put my daughter thru this when I can't take care of myself. I've got LTC insurance in place and will do what I can while I can. But I will NOT EVER subject her to what I had to go thru. I love her too much to do that to her.


over 10 years, said...

All of this is very helpful


over 10 years, said...

I can't sleep more than 5 hours a night, no matter what time I go 2 bed. I was a day person, & my aunt was a night person, & of course she HAD to call her golden son EVERY night, & he lives in Las Vegas, with a 2 hour time diff, so it was 12:00pm when she would wait to call because she did not want to disturb his evening,....I did say several times in 8 years, that these hours were killing me, but it did not matter somehow,....so now I cannot sleep long at night, because I still wake up after 5 hours,..any suggestions?


over 10 years, said...

Laying it out 1, 2, 3, etc,!!


over 10 years, said...

I need to be happy and have a social life to stay that way. With wife in an Alzheimer's facility I have a lonely life and I am considering dating since it will not harm my wife and it would help me. I have been visiting each day and the emotional roller coaster is tearing me up. Cannot leave without tears etc.


over 10 years, said...

Too little too late, angry mean husband. Refused to get help and expects me to do everything alone.. Pretending ... Not realistic...


over 10 years, said...

Very helpful - a good checklist and reminder. I am finding I'm usually talking about my spouse's condition. I'm going to be more aware when I'm with family and friends.


over 10 years, said...

Paula, thanks for the reminders. Gene Conrad


over 10 years, said...

Caregiving is the worst job I have ever had. I desperately want out! My parents are 88 and 94. I feel trapped, isolated, and depressed. Every decision I make for them is wrong. and they are sure to let me know it daily! And I feel like running away. Let God be with them, because I can no longer handle their behavior, the stress. They are in facilities now, but it doesn't seem to be working. The blame their misery on me.


almost 11 years, said...

In reading this article, I saw me in most of these points. As I took care of my mother, then my husband, I could see that things were not going well. I needed a break big time and didn't really get one. My break happened after both of them died. A friend and I went on a weekend vacation.


about 11 years, said...

Oops nearly forgot the main reason i have said about this car that ran me down was to say that by not going back to the hospital when i should have nearly cost me my life through the severe infection i postponed having treated for the sake of cooking my dads birthday meal almost left my dad without me and a carer period. By reading this article i can now see how important it is for the carer to be fit and healthy both physically and mentally as what i did or should i say didnt do almost cost my dad his daughter and his carer and me my life, and yes like an idiot before i read this i a second time went straight to my dads when i left the hospital the second time. I think its time for me to step back a bit and get my sister and brother to do a bit! A great article a life saver in more ways than one thank you x


about 11 years, said...

Oh dear i can tick every single box. i have just come out of hospital myself after being run down by a car whilst crossing the road. Hit and run! The morning i was discharged after having an operation to reset my broken nose and have it put in a cast i went straight to my dads with his shopping then just over a week later i was back in hospital for a second sugery to drain an abscess resulting from by my broken teeth from the accident which they removed at the same time. When the pain & swelling started and boy was it painful, i didnt go straight back to hospital like i should have because i promissed my dad i would cook his favourite meal as it was his birthday delaying my very very painful swollen infected face my 4 days (not recommended as i now have some nerve damage) because i didnt want to let him down on his birthday


about 11 years, said...

I didn't realize my problems were because I care too much until I read this article. It seems so clear in black and white, yet so blurry while living through it. Thank You for opening my eyes.


about 11 years, said...

Quite honestly, most of these situations are beyond me! I've not experienced or undergone them or their like. In mt little world, the ability to keep myself busy, some one thing to do puts all the other ones away. but it's always goo to have something else to think about whether or not it's on your doorstep or not.


about 11 years, said...

to see where I am after 2 1/2 years of caregiving without any help from siblings


about 11 years, said...

A good article to self-assess and what to watch for! Thanks.


about 11 years, said...

I find that I have atleast three or more of these problems.


about 11 years, said...

Even though my husband is in early stage of Alzheimer's, it is important to be reminded that I need to tend to myself and not feel guilty. Just because he doesn't want to go places doesn't mean that I have to give it up myself.


about 11 years, said...

all of the articles are excellent....


over 11 years, said...

I am 5 yrs into the caregiving situation and it is so great to be able to read how others are doing.My regret is not finding this site sooner.This is the first time in years i have felt like i let out a breath.God bless all of us and as we walk this path may it be a blessing to all of us.


over 11 years, said...

article was FANTASTIC ,you are right on in all situations


over 11 years, said...

Wow! This is definitely me. I have been trying to change things and take care of me. Mom is now in a CARE unit in a nursing home and her brother has passed away. I visit Mom almost daily but I am learning to count on the staff to "deal with her issues". if she is nasty and negative I leave and come back latter. Money was an issue but we did the spend down and medicaid has taken over. Living in the US ensures that no one is abandoned. I will just not get an inheritance but then Mom and Dad gave me the ability to support myself and not expect an inheritance to survive. Mom is as happy as the dementia allows and I have a life. Awareness of these signs makes me work at saving myself. Guilt, resentful thoughts and exhaustion resurface at times but it can be done. Thanks for helping me organize my priorities.


over 11 years, said...

I have my "me time" at night, when Mom's in bed and the kitchen is cleaned up. I either grab a high ball and watch TV or mess around on the computer. I would absolutely die if I lost my computer, it sometimes feels like my life-line.


over 11 years, said...

educative article......


over 11 years, said...

Feeling like I have permission to take a break and that I matter


almost 12 years, said...

It's all well & good to read about the problems assoc. w/ caregiving but the little tips that just do not work and cannot be done don't help. e.g., reading uninterrupted, movie matinees. I couldn't even leave to go to the pharmacy 5 minutes away because my poor husband would wake up and crawl out the door. You people who have these little tips have never had to cope with something that requires 125% of your time, awake and asleep. As for getting in touch w/ elder care people, what a joke in this city. Unless you have lots of extra money to hire a "sitter", it cannot be done. I am thoroughly irritated by these flippant articles written by people who have no idea what it is to not only kill yourself working and caregiving, but at the same time watching your loved one die, day by day and the last thing you care about is "taking care of yourself". Not helpful at all.


about 12 years, said...

I am from Denver , Co and I have been in a situation caring to much for FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND AQUINTANCES to where it has sabatoged and continously affected my mental health. I am seeking assistance from the government,agencies and law offices. I have been to several churches for prayer and many many people have taken advantage of me ,lied to me and hurt me physically,spiritually and emotionally. If there is anyone who has suggestions I am open for all the assistance i can get so this does not happen to any other woman.


about 12 years, said...

I cared for my husband, who has a laundry list of infirmities, for 2 years at home, alone. Finally, arranged for some respite with paid professionals and have since placed him in a wonderful, caring facility with a staff who love him and are happy to provide the care that I could no longer provide. I am, once again, his spouse and can enjoy the music, art, and other activities provided there with him and not feel the pressure of providing those kinds of outlets for him at home without any socialization other than me. He seems to enjoy some of the other residents and tends to gravitate toward those who have the same kinds of issues that he has. I think he basically understands why he needs to be in that setting and not at home. I also think the adjustment has been more difficult for me than it has been for him!


about 12 years, said...

cAN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE LIKE A GUY TO A GUY THAT YOU DONT WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEEN TO.? AS A BROS


about 12 years, said...

THANKS for this, I can certainly see myself in some of these things. And yet, some people are SUCH the opposite and don't seem to care at all about anything. Finding a balance in the hardest part. I'm really divided about this subject. I "get" the whole "free speech/no censorship/1st Amendment" thing. But it seems to me that ALOT of these websites could really use some "regulating" JUST like Wallstreet. I know there are "good" ones out there, that's why I'm divided... But most of these websites seem like they just want to make their buck anyway that can through whatever manipulative practices they can think up. I guess I'm sick of being taken advantage of by BOTH the government AND people! This is OFF topic but I NEED HELP - whether or NOT you are a TWILIGHT Fan please read and/or pass this article around regarding its seductive draw on girls/women and the dysfunctional ending of Breaking Dawn? Thanks, and SO sorry for all the Twilight fuss, World! Search "ExplainTwilightBreakingDawnEnding" on Blogger


about 12 years, said...

Interesting and truthful explanation. This article served me as a mirror to look at myself, and I found out many things. That taking care of both of my parents is an enormous task, when you are an only daughter. I found out that "I'm caring too much"...


about 12 years, said...

It is pure misery and torture to care for someone who has a kind of emotional Alzheimer's. My wife acts as though she had a combination of (1) fairly advanced Alzheimer's (but she knows my name, even though she has no sense of who I really am) and (2) something I think is impossible,: late-onset Autism. She experiences the building in which we live as though it was herself--so wood rot somewhere is horrendous, an attack on her. And if a cat just might not be ready for Olympic competition, the cat must go to a vet or a specialty vet immediately. Last month she spent almost the whole of my paycheck on vetinary visits--she just uses the debit cart and, after the fact, I find out.. If I gave her $1,000 to use on dental expenses, it would go to the cats' dentistry. I found the comments in the article I just read to be supportive and helpful. If we read to know we're not alone (from the play about C. S. Lewis) then this is a prime example of the claim. Many thanks.


about 12 years, said...

in addition I didn't mention that my children are now 35 and 37 years old and my wife passed away 10 years ago. johnmuir


about 12 years, said...

Just want to tell everbody that I fell into the class that I had to do everything for my wife with MS. It got to the point that both of my daughters stopped talking to me. My children were only 5 & 6 at the start of my wifes illness. My oldest still does not want anything to do with me. My grandchildren don't know who I am. I have learned a very hard lesson in life. I had not been able to laugh or smile could not joke. I had clinical depression while taking care of my wife. I forgot to take care of my children. My case can't be changed, but to anybody who has a ill spouse and has young children PLEASE don't forget to spend as much time as you can playing with them. john muir


about 12 years, said...

It reminded me of the things I usually love to do....but haven't done in a very long time....................... Starting today, I'm taking some "off" time for myself......meeting with a group of writers, and later, playing my piano..... My husband will be fine for a short time without me......I just got "stuck"....


about 12 years, said...

I will soon be hosting a website for adaptive clothing and writing a blog not only about the clothing, but about the caregivers, and I find your articles so very good. I will probably be using some of your articles for inspiration, and will give you credit. If you have any guidelines for me, would appreciate your input.


about 12 years, said...

Again, I'm showing signs of this for years.


about 12 years, said...

It is so me.


about 12 years, said...

Just made me feel the like bad guy, read this when feeling down after a hard day, and it made me feel worse.


over 12 years, said...

good stuff


over 12 years, said...

Right now I taking care of my 75 year old husband who has been diagnosed with med/sv. Dementia. I am alone for the most part. He just had surgery does't remember it. I finally am letting neighbors and friends help, like walk the dog or stay with hubby while I do some Christmas shopping. Very liberating.!!


over 12 years, said...

I had promised my Dad I would never put my Mom in a nursing home. She lived with us for 7 yrs., the last 2 bedridden. Than I had emergency surgery and had to put her in a NH were she passed away 2 weeks later. This happened over 20 yrs. ago and I still have guilty feelings that I was not able to keep my promise to my Dad.


over 12 years, said...

Yes, ithis article has been very helpful! It made me realize that I am stressed and that it is time to make some changes in my routine if I want to prolong my life. If Iam healthy, I can take care of my parents. Right now, I am the one who needs help and a little rest. How did I got in the current I am now? Love, caring and compassion are so strong that rush you into deep, deep, deeper waters without you even notice your almost drowning.


over 12 years, said...

I'm with ash4456. They are all valid points but when there is ONLY you and there is no extended family or caregivers (unless you can afford $17.50 an hour out of pocket) there is little that you CAN do. I see and recognize all of the signs listed in the article, but I cannot alleviate any of them.


over 12 years, said...

sometimes we need to be selfish.. and take a break emotional and physical


over 12 years, said...

These points were helpful, specific, and original - thanks!


over 12 years, said...

Knowing the warning signs and being able to break the cycle.


over 12 years, said...

Sometimes the pain of caregiving is so extreme I don't think I can bear it. I have put some of these suggestions into action. I found another caregiver for my father as I recognized that this role would truly kill me, I had begun to experience chest pain. Knowlege is power and this information at least lets me know that I need to celebrate what is left of my Dad.


over 12 years, said...

HERE'S THE THING, MOST OF US WHO HAVE TO CARE FOR A LOVED ONE, GET SEVERELY DEPRESSED. i ACTUALLY THINK IT IS POST TRAUMATIC STRESS, FOR MANY DIFFERENT REASONS. Also, alot of these articles are well intentioned, but most of us can't follow the suggestions because of lack of money. If we could go on vacations to get a break we all would! We also don't have support systems(relatives, friends, etc.) that could fill in for us either.Oceanus, it;s not a boomer thing, my relatives had to care for my dying alcoholic grandfather and that was in the 50's.I wouldn't let your dad move in but maybe you could look into help he could get for himself, like rehab. Some of the others on hear could really use some help. But know this, part of what depresses us all is the feeling that we suffered through all that for nothing. After all, our loved ones die in the end , we didn't "save" them.And it is quite disillusioning when you feel your friends and family abandoned you when you needed them most.For those of you whose loved ones have died, get out of the house! not to find someone to understand, so that you can heal and start to forget.Enjoy your life, don't take the past out with you. We all cared for our loved ones because it was the right thing to do. That is its own reward.Now it is time for YOU! And hey, everybody on here gets a hug.


almost 13 years, said...

I do believe that all of this is real, expecialy when some of the family will NOT help out what so ever, and you have family 6 miles down the road, and don't help!


almost 13 years, said...

I was just praying last night about feeling overwhelmed and not having a social life.I read this article and i wanted to cry because all the 10 signs are about me.i am so tired of not having a life of my own.i love my mom and the rest of the family travels and have fun.They plan to come up for fourth of July and i am the one who has to do all the cooking and entertaining.Then they go back to their nice houses.They get the vacation and i have to deal with moms depression after they leave.She is always depressed anyway and when they leave she will take it out on me.I get cursed out,accused of trying to poison or kill her.I am divorced and have not had a date in 6 years.I am afraid of bringing friends around because she says i am talking about her like a dog and turning everyone away from her.I love her so much.I would like to go to the movies,get a pedicure,get a massage or even go out on a date.No one ask me out but crackheads,drug addicts,married men or alcoholics.My last marriage was abusive and he will be getting out of prison in 2 months.I feel like i have lost my identity.I am nothing more than a caregiver and a mother.I care for my son and my granddaughter and i go to church and that is it.I feel nobody cares how i feel in this family.As long as mom is not dead and in the hospital my sisters and brothers are happy.As long as (rita,my nickname)is taking care of mom we can do our thing and let her carry the burden.My mom has stopped going to our doctor cause she claims he is trying to kill her and he is a Voo Doo doctor which my ex-husband and i got to poison her.I am lucky she is still taking her meds.She is lucid most of the time except when she has her paranoia and dementia episodes.So thanks for the article.It helps me to see i am definitely Burnt Out but i have no clear cut answers in how to deal with it.She has shut out all of her old friends and they do not come around.I feel if i did meet a man she would go crazy and try to run him away.I do get a work out 3-4 days a week cause i have a home gym.that is the only leisure time i have outside of church and babysitting my granddbaby once a month.Then she try to run my son and my granddaughter away by talking about them trying to move in and me throw her in a home to get rid of her.I am at my wits end.


almost 13 years, said...

When I read the article, "Signs of caring too much", it was as if someone were talking about me but didn't use my name. I fell into "caring too much" about 1 year after my mother had cancer. Five years later, and a nervous breakdown (which resulted in my losing 40 lbs down to 91 lbs) I have finally been able to slow down - but only because my Mother passed away on April 23, 2011. My mother was my life for 4 years. With 4 other siblings, I know the feeling of resentment, anger and sadness. I took that road alone, without asking for help, and without receiving any. It was as if my mother were the child and I was the Mother. I'm new to having time and the ability to go places...I still feel like I can't. If anyone out there needs an ear - you can bet I'll be here!


almost 13 years, said...

Hi Everybody: This my second attempt to write something cause the first time I forgot my password. So her goesI have been a caregiver to my Daddy, Mama, Brother(he has a mentall illness) and My Daughter. My Daughter was 10 when all this started.She is 19 now.she literally walked out the house on august 27,2010 she was 18 at the time.But at the same time My mama went into the hosp(4 of them all together) onJune 21,2010.I did my Dads funeral back 2007.But here most recently my mama literally died in my arms on November 19, 2010 and that was the HARDEST THING ON EARTH TO DO ESPECIALLY ALONE! I actually held her in my arms on November 19,2010 and watched her leave this earth while I CRIED MY EYES OUT! When I turned around I HAD NOBODY TO CRY TOO, NOBODY TO LEAN ON,NOBODY TO COMFORT ME! I had begged my daughter earlier in the day to go with me and said she what do you want me to do and I said go with me and she said "LET HER DIE! & HUNG UP!My daughter is the most uncaring ,unreasonable & selfish I have ever seen in a person and she still is! Durning all this caregiving I HAD NO SUPPORT AT ALL NOT EVEN FROM THE DOCTORS , NURSES, CNA'S HOSPICE OR HOME HEALTH, NOT EVEN FROM THE PREACHER! MAMA has been gone now for 6 months and I HAD TO CLEAN THEIR HOUSE OUT OF 40 YRS WHERE SHE , MY DAD & MY BROTHER LIVED ! I t took me 2 and half years to do that while I was doing everything else.I LITERALLY DID EVERYTHING! I MEAN EVERYTHING! I EVEN HIRED A PERSON TO HELP ME WITH MAMA WAY BEFORE SHE GOT SICK AND WAS STILL IN HER APT! She tapped into our bank account.So that didnt work! I CAN NOT FIND NO SUPPORT FROM NOBODY! ITS HARD TO GET PAST THIS WHEN NOBODY UNDERSTANDS OR DONT CARE! Nobody knows what hell it is and they say mean & hateful things to me! It says on your article to reach out for support , but I have done that and I cant find NO SUPPORT I DONT KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO IF I CANT FIND SOMEBODY TO HELP ME GET past all of this! I need a friend so bad, somebody to talk to! So HERE I AM AGAIN REACHING OUT I HOPE SOMEBODY REACHES BACK! I AM SO SO VERY VERY TIRED! Prior to all of THAT my sister(my very best friend in this world)died at the age of 52 of lung cancer. We were 7 yrs apart but very close I was 45 yrs old & now I am 54That was the hardest thing to see everyday.She was also a nurse.THREE OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS ARE GONE! I MISS THEM SO BAD! I JUST NEED SOME KINDNESS UNDERSTANDING LOVE SOMETHING GOOD CAUSE I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING NUTS! I HOPE SOMEBODY WILL RESPOND OR HAVE TIME TO. LOVE TO ALL YOU CAREGIVERS IN THIS WORLD MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL!


almost 13 years, said...

It IS really hard to make sure to take care of oneself...I try to spend at least two or three daytime hours on me -- or at least errands out that I enjoy. And, I sit up late and watch tv after my husband has retired....at least that's also me time. I can garden and still be "here" which is good, and now that it's warm I'm going to start swimming every day. It takes a lot of "self talk" to keep the "me" program going, but I know how important it is. I also have a few great friends who make sure I get out to lunch with them, or have an occasional glass of wine.


almost 13 years, said...

Yup, yup and yup!


almost 13 years, said...

I almost passed up this article, figuring I would know when I hit burnout again since I have hit it before. However, I can't remember the last time I had a vacation (oh, yea, April 2009 maybe?; an overnight out Jun 2010); no on really offers help (those who do, don't usually follow through anyway, so better they don't offer); I used to be a morning person and somedays want to cry when I wake up; and most conversations wander to caregiving AT LEAST once. Not to mention, once my unemployment runs out, I have no idea how I will ever return to work (if anyone will hire me with nearly 2 years off) since financially there is no way my parent can afford a decent ALF.


almost 13 years, said...

My situation may seem unusual, but may not be so unusual before long. To be vague in some details, I am a genXer, my father a baby boomer, he is not even 60 yet, I only just turned 30. He did not take care of himself, abused alcohol and drugs most of his life. He is not able to work and is likely nearing the end of his life. My wife and I were willing to let him move in at first. We did not want to judge him, we know he had a tough childhood. When we realized he was still heavily abusing drugs and alcohol, seemed to be losing his mind, and that we did not have any support from any other family, and realized that we would not be able to deal with him living near us emotionally, we had to tell my father that he could not move near us. He still insists that he will move in with us. I am being selfish, no kidding about that. But I will not commit to something that I know I will just fail at and I know that my father will not be happy once he moves near us either. I think this kind of situation will become more common in the next several years, and there seems to be no nice solution. I am realizing that I need to live life with the understanding that I will one day be 60/70/80+, and that my choices now will affect other people later in the future.


about 13 years, said...

This brings the information up front where the caregiver can see the facts of needing help.


over 13 years, said...

my ex bf says he cares about me alor etc yet he told me that hes too immature to care and i said i shouldnt care so much and hes like excatly hes conductrating himself right..?


over 13 years, said...

To "CactusSue": Your comment is sort of off topic, as the topic is to actively be a care-giver & "survive the ordeal". I recently attended the www.Wellspouse.org annual convention. Several points were stressed: "we are not in a competition with each other as to who has put in the most years & commitment". "Some care givers will STOP actively giving care & place their loved one in a nursing home." You are now quite honest with yourself & wanting to share the dangers of "denial". Many care givers are "saddled" with an ill person with a very long term chronic illness. So I conclude that the list is valid, but it's a bit like mountain climbing: some mtns. are the world's highest, so take some oxygen & warm socks. In my situation, my wife may die before a year; Hospice thinks in terms of months; she & I hope she gets thru Christmas. So my care giving may be different than one who is caring for an Alzheimer patient who is taking 10 yrs. to finally pass away & "kicking" you all the way. My wife is mostly kind & loving & communicates fairly well, so each illness changes the dynamics of the care giving. My best to all of us care givers, Jim aka vineyardtechie


over 13 years, said...

Although you may not feel like doing any of these suggestions you should try for not only yourself but for those you're caring for. If you're not caring for yourself then you really truly aren't caring for anyone else sufficiently. There truly is more to caring for someone than just tending to their physical needs. If you're an emotional 'train wreck' you're not really effective in what you're doing. You should make an effort at doing things you enjoy if only for a few minutes at a time. You'd be amazed at how the minute or two can relieve some of your stress. Hopefully your few minutes will grow into longer as your schedule permits. Hugs to EVERYONE who takes on the responsibility of caring for someone else - it's a very tough and (for the most part) a thankless job.


over 13 years, said...

my brother issucking the llife right out of me. I thought I liked caregiver since did it for our mother for 3 years and then right into caring for a brother going on year number 4. I ove him I hate that I have to do it and everone just takes me for granted. I see that it is my fault t let them do this to me. I will try not to get run over by them with guilt. I love him but hate my job that is pro bono.


over 13 years, said...

How sad that it is true that a person can care too much. After having read through the 10 points I surprisingly could say yes to most of them if not all. What can a person do when everyone comes to them with problems stating that if you didn't take care of it no one would, especially when you are pretty sure that they are right and it has an impact on yourself as well as others? Honestly I can't remember the last time I had a vacation if ever and when I'm not busy for a few hours I am bored to tears.


over 13 years, said...

I'm literally "on call" via cell phone from my ill-spouse to me.She does OK in her A/C & de-humidified room, with an adjacent art Studio. So if she really needs to talk to me, then she does so. I check in on her (I'm retired, with many interests), so I intend to continue "living" a decent life. Wife is supported by Hospice with various services to our home. Re. this article: you do not have to do or check-off every suggestion! Try checking off: hobby, no matter what that may be. I visit my daughter & her faimly & my Sister/Mother via flights. Twice a year & that's my "vacation"; with arranged assistance to my wife that is not costly. If she lives on for year after year, then I will go on a real vacation for sure. Best to you all, Jim


over 13 years, said...

These are good suggestions but however are we to follow them? My husband needs 24/7 care and I have provided it for 2 years. If I went away for a weekend I would have to pay someone to feed him, change him, move him, entertain him -- it would be prohibitively expensive. I hate being a caregiver (I don't hate my poor dear husband, just the situation) but I am stuck and I can't see any way out.


over 13 years, said...

Hindsight makes me think this sounds so sensible it might have made a difference. But that's the real problem for the caregiver, knowing when to do any of the things suggested here. I'm afraid I would have said, "Oh, thanks for the suggestions, -- but I'm not there yet." However, when my spouse died of Alzheimer's, I had no energy, no focus, and rarely did one thought actually follow another. It had been like this when he was alive, but somehow I had made myself believe that it was a very temporary condition which would go away as soon as his life no longer consumed me 24/7. But it didn't - and I'm sure for many , it won't. Denial can be such a strong room to hide in.


almost 14 years, said...

nice checklist - thank you so much.