How to Talk to Elderly Adults About Giving up the Keys

I've gone through all of this on my own. 6 weeks ago, as a matter of fact. Taking myself out of driving, that is. I have no family but was recognizing signs and didn't want to put it off any longer. I am 72 and the topic had been on my mind for at least the past 6 months. I had a couple of near misses and the writing was on the wall. Was faced with the same situation with my dad but he eventually stopped due to health limitations.

It is terrible having to tell someone that they are no longer safe driving around on their own. I do believe that things like Uber are going to make it a lot easier for people to start giving up driving altogether. As for me, I'm in my 40's and I'm already tired and burnt out on driving pretty much anywhere. Driving gives a person a sense of freedom but with services providing on-demand rides anywhere these days, getting people to give up driving is going to be a breeze. Trevor @ www.windowcleaningsm.com

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my mom hit a pedestrian so her insurance is going up $3,000 a year. so mow she wants to trade in both cars and I buy new one and I pay for ins. http://thanksgivingimages.us/ I woukd have to take her everywhere when not eorking. she doesn't care. shoukd she help me some?

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Engineer Bill. Your FIL's Dr. Can turn him in to CA DMV, The form will require him to come in for testing his license will be suspended and he will have no say so. Some Drs. Are afraid of doing this due to the large numbers of lawyers in CA. Your wife, his daughter can turn him in for testing by a specialized department, and because she is family, it can be anonymous. Chances are he will not pass the testing. My parents didn't.

My father-in-law is 98, still living on his own in CA, a couple of miles away. His eye doctor has determined that he has lost his peripheral vision and told that he should stop driving, immediately, forever. My FIL also has mobility and balance problems and cannot reach the car without using a walker. He refuses to stop driving, says that he'll just be more careful. Any suggestions?

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my mom hit a pedestrian so her insurance is going up $3,000 a year. so mow she wants to trade in both cars and I buy new one and I pay for ins. I woukd have to take her everywhere when not eorking. she doesn't care. shoukd she help me some?

Honestly this was not helpful. You are expecting a 81 year old person to have appropriate responses to sensible questions. Sensibility and rational reaction is gone. They have a flight or fight response which is very scary. I have done all of the above suggestions and its too the point now where she is driving without a license. She has severe dementia and uses a walker or a cane. What other tough love options do I have?

How to deal with a stubborn Senior who won't deal with the fact that her life must change.

I would like ideas for what to do when the drivers refuse to give up their keys, even though their licenses are revoked. I am trying to be straight forward and not sneaky. It's a question of their forgetting they can no longer drive. Should I talk to their insurance agent? They also refuse home health care or moving to assisted living-memory care. They don't listen to their doctor either when he makes a list of what they should do.

My Father is now 93, in diapers, due to judgement issues. Still complains that there was age discrimination in taking away his license to drive. He can't even tell that i am in the room, unless i stand in front of him and hold his shoulder and speak with him.

With Dementia, there is more urgency involved i.e. remembering where the patient lives or phone numbers if car trouble. Panic attacks are prevalent. Very difficult for one who lives with the patient-spouse or child-, but would be even more difficult if patient has been living alone.

My 82 years old dad finally agreed to donate his car tonight which has been with him for the past 15+ years due to his age. I should have felt relief and joyful, instead, I felt a sense of sadness that my dad is really getting old and not driving anymore...of course it was a right decision to make, I just feel sad the fact that my dad is really getting old...I love my dad so much and want him to stay young forever....

The article mentioned community transportation options briefly. The Community Transportation Association of America (www.ctaa.org), National Association of Area Agencies on Aging (www.n4a.org), and Independent Transportation Network of America (www.itnamerica.org) can lead you to local resources. There are lots of good programs out there. Many are based on volunteer drivers, not just public transportation.

jack jackson - I would check with your insurance agent, as the laws may very from state to state. If you are allowed to purchase and have a car in your name, you need to make sure that you have a liability umbrella policy to cover your assets in case of a lawsuit. In some states, you may own the car, but you cannot possess the keys to it, as that constitutes having 'control' of the car, which without a driver's license is illegal. Insurance agents would be the best resource for this. Hope this helps.

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This is not really a comment but a question. I am 66 yrs old and and gave up my drivers license a couple of months ago for medical reasons. Mainly because of the medicine I am taking. I just do not fell safe behind the wheel. My question is can I still buy a car in my own name even though I have no intention of driving.it?

It also helped me to point out to them that they had a dent in their back bumper, which was bigger than a man's fist which they could not explain, nor had they noticed it. Their car has since changed into my name (for liability reasons without their knowledge using POA), but we still call it 'their' car and it is what I use to ferry Dad to and from things in as it's easier for him to get into and out of. Their trust pays me the 56.5 cents per mile to cover the costs of the additional car.

What has worked with my father-in-law was a discussion about the liability issue if he were to have an accident. The threat of a lawsuit and the possible loss of his home, savings, etc out-weighed any concern he had of killing someone in an accident.

The point about stopping driving yourself before the discussion is a great one. Unfortunately, I did this (not by choice) because after a stroke I started having seizures, and it was recommended I not drive for 6 months after each seizure. It makes you VERY empathetic and strengthens your position when you can say "I have been there and done that." Unfortunately, it has not helped a bit with my mom (89), although she has stopped driving to her cabin (which is 90 miles away). She still finds an excuse to drive to the grocery store EVERY day. DMV is not much help, at her last driver's test, when she could not see one of the eye tests, the nice DMV lady "loaned" my mom her glasses so my mom could pass.

This was the most difficult item to address in terms of our parents' aging. We decided, after 'the talk' was an abject failure, to turn them in to the DMV for their Safety Office (California) to decide on their ability to drive. The first time, we were unprepared (uncooperative physicians). The second time, a year later, we had moved them to a Senior Independent near my home and had a whole team of extremely cooperative Doctors to help. By this time, I was their Medical Care Advocate, and managed all aspects of their care. Dad's was outright suspended without any interview or testing by the DMV facility, Mom was called in for testing, and although she passed the written test, she was unable to follow the verbal instructions of the Safety Office Manager (here's your test, take your time, and wait here for me to return). He watched through the window, and waited for a period of time (about 10 minutes) sure enough, Mom came trotting out because she had forgotten the instructions. Then in the oral interview portion, recorded in a private room with Dad and I present - also admonished not to speak, Mom was unable to give her street address. Dad tried to answer a couple times for her, and had to be severely spoken to by the Manager. Mom's license was revoked. We went to a regular DMV nearby that had no wait times (unusual for CA), and I had them issued Senior ID cards - which had the same numbers as their drivers' licenses. The odd thing was, DMV did not take the licenses from them, so I grabbed them and kept them so they wouldn't forget and drive because they had a license in their wallet. Even though it was 4 years ago, Dad still says it was age discrimination - he's 91 now. It's difficult, but must be done. I actually believe that after 70 years of age, drivers need to be tested by the Safety Office of all DMV's every other year. I'm almost 55, so I'm coming up on that age - I notice that I do not drive as well as I did years ago. Best wishes to all of you in this situation - it's tough, but public safety, not just your loved ones' safety is at stake!

Assessments should be based on the same criteria that GOT them a driver's license - nothing more, nothing less. Doesn't matter what their age is. I'm more concerned about some of the YOUNG drivers on the road that don't have much experience, than the senior drivers that have been driving many years.

Just as we test young drivers for their ability to obtain a driver's license, we should at a certain age start testing every 4 years for the ability to keep the license. I feel at age 70 we should all be tested every 4 years to ensure our hearing, visibility, and response time are all very good to continue driving. I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed folks 70 yrs or older nearly causing accidents...usually because they obviously could not see or hear well and therefore either driving erratically or over cautiously, causing others to have to break or swerve to avoid the accident. Losing the privelege to drive is viewed by many elderly folks as losing independence; and because of that most often they refuse to stop driving, even though they can barely walk to the car or see or hear half of what's going on around them.

Stopping seniors at some arbitrary age is foolish. Some seniors should be stopped at 50, others at 90. I'm 71. I live in the mountains. I hike 5 to 10 miles every day. I ski and snow board in the winter. I can drive in the snow and storm conditions better than 95% of the people who come up from the city. My ability to drive does not depend on my age, but my health,reaction time, and clarity of mind. And oh yea, I don't own a cell phone which causes so many accidents. Worry about kids that drink and smoke dope and text and adults who drink and drive. Accidents involving seniors is an insignificant number compared to the rest.

Some people shouldn't be driving to begin with, but there shouldn't be an arbitrary age to take driving privileges away. There are people in their 60's who shouldn't be driving anymore, and people in their 90s who are still doing fine, but limit themselves to local streets and slower speeds because they know their reaction time is slower.

How about raising the age for anyone to get a licence to 25 yrs. old. Than perhaps alot of the accidents happening by the young assholes on the road would stop. If an older person who is in poor health or had prior accidents than I agree they should stop driving and have only limited driving privilages.

I am now 81 yeras old and still working full time. I still drive, My Health is great and I just took the AARP drivers test and scored a 94. I do realize that the day will come when I have to relinguish my License. I do think that there should be a test available to determine your reaction time. This would be more effective then a test that you can take on line.

I think the suggestion of giving up driving for a while yourself is a great. I actually did this (not on purpose), I started having seizures every 6 months, and in WA state you can't drive for 6 months after a seizure. So, it has made me VERY empathetic, but both my mom (87) and my father-in-law (91) continue to drive. My father-in-law has actually found out on the web how many drinks a 91 year old, XXX pound man can have and still be below the DWI limit. So you can see what we are up against. My empathy has been pretty worthless when it comes to two very stubborn people who have no business driving.

thank you for this, my sister and I have to talk to my Mom today,taking the keys and car away....

The idea of giving up driving yourself is a good one. I did this (although certainly not of my own choice), I started having seizures every months, so I was not allow to legally drive for 6 months after each one. It does give you a lot more empathy for your parent. But the difference in my case was that I had the self discipline to NOT drive. My mother on the other hand, called AAA to get her car started (it had been sitting for 6 months while she recovered from an operation), and now she drives at least once EVERY day whether she needs to or not. " I needed some toothpaste," "I wanted to get a card for"......

So, let's take this a step further. We have the talk with our parent and they refuse. Ironically, my dad, had this same situation with his mother and he and his sister ended up hiding the keys and then selling my grandmother's car. She was livid for quite some time. I see my dad repeating the same demeanor. A logical conversation is nice and was much easier a few years ago when I broached the subject of assisted living or moving closer. Now that he's closer, and older, he is even more defensive about maintaining the independence associated with driving. Either way, this is going to be a big hurdle to overcome for both of us and it is important for me for him to feel that this is his decision. The sad thing is when the disease grabs hold of his mind in those late-night sleepless hours he'll become angry and defensive. I can take that, it's just seeing him suffer that's the hard part.

Your process takes way too long. If the only person in danger was the senior, fine. But, when the senior is endangering other people on the road and on the side of the road, all this letting it rest and coming back to it is unacceptable. We need to be blunt and straight forward in this instance. The senior's feeling is but a splinter compared to the plank of the death of a family, or a sixteen-year-old son, or a group of school children on the side of the road waiting for a school bus. Also, there comes a time when age is the cutoff no matter what. No 90 year old should be driving, just as no 70 year old should be a commercial pilot.

How do you deal with a 83 year old father that is failing in abilities and vision but still wants to keep and drive his 40 foot motor home. He may use it once or twice a year and has limited ability to even hook everything upon arrival.

I always expected that when I had to talk to my father or mother about stopping driving that it would necessarily be one unpleasant confrontation. This article explained how the conversation can be conducted over time and provided topics for discussion. Very helpful!!

I found the advice to be warm and supportive as well as helpful. I hope lots more families read this as it would minimize much angst and anger!!