Return to Class 4 months, B. Wilson said... My 87 year old mother moved in with my family almost two years ago after a health scare. It was a decision made in haste. We have the space for her. She has her own bedroom, bathroom and small kitchen . It was great at first. But, my mother suffers from mental illness and as time has progressed it has become very difficult. I also have my 11 year old grandson along with my husband in the household. Just some examples of our daily lives.....my husband forgot, after working 12 hours, to take out her garbage and she called my siblings, there is 6 of them, and told them he wouldn't take out her garbage. She misplaces things and tells my siblings my grandson is doing it bc he hates her. He's actually very good to her. She is very demanding on him, but he does everything She asks. She tells my siblings we ignore her and that she is lonely all the time. I am constantly asking her to join us and I take her places all the time. We have coffee every day together. She becomes very hateful when she doesn't get her way every time like if I am not able to take her out to lunch. I homeschool during the day so that's hard to do sometimes. She refuses to let me help her shower, she opts for a sink bath. I do just about everything to make her happy yet she threatens all the time that she is moving to a nursing home. She can't afford that. It has become a very stressful place to live. I will be good to her and love her and continue to do what I can for her. But, please don't jump right in and say you'll take a parent in. Do the pros and cons. Look at other options. It is not all walking down memory lane, laughter, sharing heart-felt moments. It is hard. Also, I mentioned I have 6 siblings. It is a very rare occasion that they help out. So, make sure you have a support system who will jump in and help bc it can be very physically and mentally exhausting. 4 months, a fellow commenter said... Does anyone consider the spouse in this? I been living with in law over 40 years, it has not been a happy house with him in it. These last couple years have been hell, I been ready for a long time to put Dad in nursing home, but husband will not let go. Soon I will go because I been looking for our time for years. I see our time will never come, so I going it alone very soon. Consider your spouse, how long, other factors. No alone time or vacations. I will tell you this I worked in a nursing house for years and they take really good care of your parent, I know for that for a fact. 5 months, a fellow commenter said... This is a good article - helpful in perspective...thanks My wife's mother moved in with us about 8 years ago - as we had the room and financial ability to help her. We built her an apartment in our home. She is medically frail, is incontinent often and requires my wife's assistance with almost all activities...wife does her meds, all MD visits - (about 5 per month), meals, laundry, bathing and often helps her to dress. The MIL likely has some early dementia but can have simple conversations, walks short distances. So I am feeling guilty and resentful for the following: 1. Wife has adult sisters and only one begrudgingly takes the MIL for one weekend per month. If I ever bring up to wife to have sisters participate more in the MIL care, I get significant anger directed towards me....usually a horrible argument. 2. MIL sits with us and participates in every meal we have together which is basically dinner ( as we both work) and all meals on weekends. I can never have a normal conversation with my wife since the MIL begins to discuss nonsensical things or repetitive (same every meal) stories to which we both do our best to humor and respond to her. BUT - this means that we have normalcy in most meals...unless wife and I go out for dinner which might be once per week. In addition, MIL has habits which I find repulsive at the dinner table. I have tried to rise above and not let it bother me but as I am sitting within 2 feet of her at the table, I cannot ignore. For example - she may belch 5-10 times during the meal. She makes no attempt to stifle it or close her mouth but actually seems to bear down with her abdomen to make it louder. Kind of like you would do when you were a child and want to anger your parent. Second, she constantly has a picking issue....picking at her face until she has tiny sores all over her face with blood ooozing. Then she proceeds to jab her finger in her mouth to endlessly root around for a piece of food in her back tooth. 3. I may have mentioned she has many accidents of both B& B. But whenever she the bathroom - it becomes unusable by anyone else as she leaves the mess all over the seat, often the floor and faucet nobs. 4. She is extremely lazy...maybe a result of her partial dementia...I don’t know. When she wants a cookie, she has no problem getting up to help herself but for EVERYTHING else...she has what I will call a princess wand. Can you get me a cup of tea, a napkin, milk, everything? When dinner ends....she will sit there and help with nothing...but she will ask for her dessert while we buzz around her. If I make the mere mention for Mom to bring over her dishes to the sink - I get a scorned look from my wife as though I have violated something. OK - I love my wife and MIL. I do my best to be supportive (financially and in meal prep, dishes, housework....never as much as my wife I admit)...but there are times when I feel like I am going to loose my mind. Am I wrong to want to have meals and conversation with my wife...maybe 3 times a week...alone? Am I wrong to ask my wife to get her sisters more involved in Moms care...so we can experience alone time? BTW - they receive money per month....for what I do not know??? 5 months, a fellow commenter said... test 5 months, Nancy222 said... I have my 2 parents that are both suffering from depression and Alzheimer. They are both stubborn and refuse to live with anyone. They cannot care for themselves because of the Alzheimer, they forget pretty much everything. What can I do to help them or find a place that can help them? There is no money but their social security benefits, that's it. Please offer some guidance. 8 months, a fellow commenter said... What ever you do, do not take a parent in! My father in law has lived with us for 40 years, my children are gone and want nothing to do with us. Which is sad. Now in law this last year has gone under cancer treatments, radiation, many of doctors, 5 times to hospital. He is still here and with us. We as caregivers are tired, getting no help, there is no senior place to take him for a couple hours. The saddest part his insurance stinks. Making us drive 50 to 60 miles one way to go to his doctors. All I got to said put parent in a nursing home and have that time together with the one you married! 8 months, Timajo said... There's a lot of good advice here that I did not follow. Me and my partner bought a house with a granny flat for her mum (old, but very active) and dad (post-brain-hemorrhage and needing quite a lot of care) to move into, Crucially we did not agree any ground rules up front. We argue a lot now about respecting our privacy, basically after 8pm we don't want random visits. They see a shared house, we see two houses where we live - most of the time - as neighbors. It has not been a happy time by any stretch of the imagination. It feels like we can't apply rules now, like that the time for agreeing them has passed. about 1 year, a fellow commenter said... My younger sister takes care of my 94 yr old mother and has been doing so for the last 8yrs or more. Mom is mentally sharp but physically unable to do more than just used her Walker a few steps to the bathroom. She's incontinent and very stubborn about her hygiene. My sister works a full-time job and her husband does too. But he does most her mommas care. We recently decided that mom would be better off moving with me her other daughter who lives 12 hours out of state. But I am a professional caregiver and work in my own personal home with 2 other elderly persons that are not relatives. Plus I am home 24/7 and gave assistance from my brother who also lives with me and is at home full-time. My husband works a full-time job. I live in a quiet country neighborhood with lots a space in my home and the ability to give my mom full-time care with a serene and comfortable atmosphere. Problem is my sister although complains of how its too much on her and complains she doesn't have any help with mom's care and that mom is too difficult now is in denial about letting us take care of mom and give her the break she needs. How do I convince my sister to let go of mom and let us help? My sister is also in control of mom's finances and I'm not sure she's willing to let go of that. And of course we will need the financial compensation to care for mom. I'm not sure I can trust my sister to send mom's pension and social security timely or completely. How can I coordinate mom's finances to follow her with the move. Oh and by the way mom doesn't want to make the move because she's afraid of traveling by car or air. The plan is to get her in the car and just go. Once she's here I know my mom will love it. over 1 year, a fellow commenter said... My husband and I invited my single fraternal twin sister to live with us to decrease her stress. She is at the end of stage one Parkinson's Disease. We are still navigating how much rent she will contribute and what chores and food prep/meals she'll help with. We are in a pretty healthy place even though we are learning how to live with a "third" adult in the home. We desire to work through misunderstandings and are learning how to do that. As fraternal twins, we were not really close, and different as night and day. It is our desire as a couple to love and serve my sister as long as we can. We understand that the future is uncertain regarding her disease, but we remain hopeful that our amazing Savior Jesus will guide us. She does have adult children also who may someday be able to help if need be. I'm thankful for the many helpful suggestions in this article. over 1 year, Roselove7 said... My problem is with my 80 year old mom. She has heart issues which were discovered 2 weeks ago. She wanted 3 beers to celebrate the New Year, but my husband refused her. She's lived with us for a year and a half. My little sister had come to bring her some food. My little sister said she'd be back, but, we didn't know she was on a beer run for my mom! She came back with a 6 pack and my husband told her his new rules. She got very contentious and my husband told her about my mom's health issues, which she was unaware of. She thinks we're lying because she said she was going to call the doctor to verify what we're saying. The disagreement went back and forth till I discovered my mom has been gossiping and bad-mouthing me to my sister and God only knows who else. We help her with her appointments, therapy sessions, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc and this is how she repays me and my husband. I'm very hurt by what she's done and said. I never came out of my bedroom to confront my sister because I knew she wanted to have some type of show down with me and I'm not doing this. I've got blood pressure problems and this isn't happening. So, my husband and I are dealing with her anger on top of my sisters anger. We've thought about going to our local Adult Protective Services to ask for advice and we called the police to try to get some recourse for our problem. Do any of you have any suggestions?? Thank you. almost 2 years, a fellow commenter said... My husband's parents moved in with us because they could not afford to live on there own. Also my mother-in-law has no short term memory and dad needed some help. My husband has 4 siblings who basically have nothing to do with their parents and my husband travels a lot. We are ready for them to move out, as we would like to sell our house. What are our options to get them the help they need as we go on with our lives? And are we now financally obligated to help them for the rest of their lives since they lived with us? almost 2 years, a fellow commenter said... In some states couples are required to be legally seperated before divorced. The same should go for moving your aging parent in. I think men are thrilled to have the 2 women they love most under the same roof. Queens of their castle suffer though. All day I look forward to telling hubby about my day events to be met with competing for speaking time. Electric bill is higher, food bill gone up, an occasional hurtful comment gone unnoticed, tv blaring all day even though she has her own space, more clutter keeps appearing, refrigerator ridiculously overflowing, changing our favorite meals to adapt to her diet and tastes, never walking through house half dressed, asking them to not do something and hurt their feelings, waiting in line for the washing machine, extra vehicle in driveway. All cases are different, but that is a list of something every woman will face. You may not have piles of spilled coffee grounds, dropped pills on the floor, endless qvc clutter, piles of paperwork around, 2 ply toilet paper clogging the septic, but you WILL have your unique daily issues to make you want to avoid your own home as well. Test drive this for several months before making a permanent commitment. You will thank me later. about 2 years, Marietta79 said... Hi my mother in law have dementia but not that bad she don't walk just using wheelchair always she's in nursing home at the moment her husband just died. Im a care assistant for 10 years my plan is i give up my job so i let her move in with me to look after my mother in law. I have 3 bedrooms house but with stairs so not that good idea to go upstairs we don't have lift. My plan is i put bed in the lounge to make into bedroom so she have privacy. I have 2 children's and lodgers so how any people allowed to live in the house? If i let her move so 5 people living in my house how this could affect me? She got a house but nobody their she needs 24 hours care i like to let her move in with me so i can look after her for 24/7 hope someone could help me thank you over 2 years, EllenHotz said... My Dad is 94, very frail but in ok health, but suffers some memory loss and other dementia. He has lived well these past ten years with my brother and his family, and he has a day aide. He and my brother modified my brothers house to accomodate Dad, who does not want ever to move into assisted or long term care. But as he ages, he is more difficult, more stubborn, requires numerous medical appointments; regular eye doctor, retina specialist, occularist, cardiologists, dentist, primary, etc. My brother is sole support of his family, and he cannot take off time from work; my sister in law takes care of Dad, as well as a young child with seizure disorder. I and other siblings travel 3 to 5 hours to take Dad to the various medical appointments, as well as visit; but sometimes the burden seems way to heavy for my brother and sister in law. After ten years, I feel that my brother and sister in law should get relief, and as I am retired, I would offer for Dad to live with me and my husband. There is no financial gain, Dad would live with us rent free, and continue to draw down his savings to pay for his aide. My concern is that my husband is not keen on the idea, he worries that this arrangement, even with an aid, would hamper our retirement plans (we like to travel about 8 weeks of the year). There is more family near me who we would need to enlist to help us, but, I do understand his worry. Any thoughts anyone could share? over 2 years, dennisteel said... my 91 year old elderly mother moved in to my apartment with me simply because she cannot afford to pay her own rent..but this act in itself does NOT mean i am her caregiver!! her dr claims she does not need one and can live independently on her own..there is no law dictating that a son or daughter becomes a caregiver merely(or instantly) because mom or dad moved in..i live my life independently from my mother's..i sleep days ,she sleeps nights.i'm totally disabled and unemployed and i hang out with my friends all night ... she's awake doing whatever she wants in the days while i sleep...we both like it that way,her doctor has no problem with it and that's pretty final..i'm surprised that so many people believe a person has this obligation to apply their lifestyle according to a care giver situation just because their elderly parent lives with him or her. over 2 years, redperil said... I am the nearest sibling near my parents. I am physically disable but I feel I could be my parents "surrogate decision maker". My mom has a wonderful caregiver through an agency and my dad helps Mom when her caregiver leaves at 6 pm. She returns by 7:30 am. It may get to the point I will need to come live with them but this will be a sacrifice on my husband and I due to not being with each other as he states he will not live in their home unless he gets to a point in his health he would not be safe being alone. We live a 2 story house that has 15 steps of stairs so that would not be conducive to my parents abilities. They are both 84 yrs of age. How do siblings handle a situation as ours regarding our financial/emotional hardship? Who would you talk to get advice? over 2 years, a fellow commenter said... I am in the position now that my mother may have to move in with me. She spends twice what I do but has always insisted on living alone, never cutting down. But now she is running out of money. She has been very good to me financially when I struggled, that's for sure. However we have NEVER got on. She can't go into a state home as she WON'T and she doesn't have money for anything else soon. When I said, after some months and prompted by her sisters that she may have to move in with me, the first thing she said was: 'No. Let's see. Well. Then we'd have some extra and you can sell the dining room table and get a nice sideboard instead.' All in the same breathe. WHAT????? Don't tell me. I can't be objective about this. She is a horrible woman and much as I love her (and sometimes like her), two or three times a week for a 3-hour cup of tea is enough for me. Hah. She never sees me. ONLY 3 times a week. The thought of every day makes me want to leave the country which is a very realistic option on my list. over 2 years, MariaVitorino said... After my divorce, I moved to my parents property where I restored and old barn which became my separate quarters. The reason I decided to go live there was because my mother never moved an inch without me having to do it for her and I figured, if I'm going to have to go there every single day, including to take her shopping and everywhere else, I may as well be living there. Well, that was the biggest mistake of my life! The property is quite big and has a lot of land. I work like the dog cutting grass (it takes eight hours to cut it), maintaining the vegetable gardening, planting trees, cleaning everything up, etc. I'm actually the family property non-payed janitor, agricultor and chauffeur. That wouldn't be all that bad if I were living only with my mother because, despite her difficult, arrogant, manipulating personality, she does have some qualities that deserve all my due respect. In March 2015 my 47 year old sister, the youngest of four siblings, passed of cancer. It was very tragic for all of us, nobody was expecting. After her passing both my parents started to decline mentally. At this point, my mother has outbursts of rage for any little thing (in reality it's because she's not capable of dealing with the pain of having lost our poor dear sister). My father, who always hated my mother, my older sister and myself, always made our lives miserable and he ended up being able to make my mother leave so that he could finally be free to live it off with all the lovers he could get. This month they will both be moving back to their property where I am stuck. My father accuses my older sister of having contributed to my dear sister's death, calls her a witch and tells her to her face that she should die. He doesn't contribute financially and is sucking off the family. He's mean and intentionally destroys the things others buy. He says he'd rather burn his Money that let us lay our fingers on it. I don't know how we are going to handle this. I don't know how a father can sleep at night hating his own wife and kids who are now his caregivers. over 2 years, MaryGal said... Suppose you move them in and it is not working. Do you have to legally notify them to move? almost 3 years, Jscinti2000 said... Thanks for all the info from you people, my inlaws are moving in the basement. I made them a nice large 1 bedroom apartment, and now my daughter who's 13 has a friend who lives with her 2 siblings and the mother is never around, her father just got out of prison. They do drugs and they have no food no water and no electric. We're going to try to foster. We really can't afford it, but I won't let her live like that. It will be my wife 2 kids and a foster child and both inlaws, wish me luck. almost 3 years, a fellow commenter said... I need adivce please my wife and I agreed to let my parents move in our home 1.yr ago and my mom is a depressed person my dad just lets her do what she wants to try and make here happ this drives me nuts and I am about to loose it. She doesn't help around the house she.is always in her room watching tv and my dad has no enthusiasm to even walj there dog which pees in our bathroom which I have put pads diwn or craps and they dont pick it up. Mom cooks once in a while but never cleans up neither does my dad and she is always ordering stuff from tv I wish they could move t an apartment almost 3 years, a fellow commenter said... This is a HUGE thing, and to be avoided if possible. If not, every family member must be involved and help both physically and financially. M&FIL moved in two years ago due to their health issues (lifelong drinkers and smokers most of their lives). My wife begged for this because she was trying to take care of their sporadic needs from 35 miles away and thought the move-in would relieve that tension and stress. We love them dearly, and basically know this is the best solution. That said, we are both going crazy. I would be dishonest if I said I don't resent their presence. The 24/7 on call-toll on my wife is unbearable and slowly destroying her. All the little b.s. of cleaning up, them doing nothing, eating food, hours of TV, etc is small 'taters. What I can't take is how they still treat her like an immature daughter, they way they bicker and yell at each other, and the loss of privacy and freedom we have experienced in our marriage and household since they moved in. I could go on. Even though it doesn't sound like it, I'm one of the most kind and giving people you will meet - I've sacrificed my whole life for those around me. But this is too much. It is wrong for a parent to expect their children to take care of them. It is stealing the children's present, and future. It is sacrosanct - I have not, nor will I ever draw down my children's resources. I will hike to a quiet mountain meadow, and lay down my life first. almost 3 years, Raylin said... A few years ago we had my husband's dad move into our home. At the time, he only had an at-home oxygen tank (meaning it was too big to be lugged around). We have active kids and didn't feel like we could leave him home alone for too long. We got him a portable oxygen tank which gives him more mobility and he is able to be more happily active in the family. about 3 years, a fellow commenter said... Living with the eldely suck!!! My roommates father moved in after a 30year old woman took all his money he is in great health and can afford to live on his own but he refuses to leave everyones life on halt even my roommate wants him out. about 3 years, dubaimachines.com said... in eastern cultures, it is sometimes challenging that an aging mom with expired husband well in her 70's need help with her children and their wives or partners cannot share their husband's space. its like going to work everyday thinking one of the two, my mom does not want to live along should i tell her to find her own home? my wife does not share my responsibility by understanding the situation should i tell her i cannot continue this relationship because i cannot leave either of the two alone? It becomes a mess at times. over 3 years, a fellow commenter said... I don't want to offend anyone but having experience working with elderly and caregivers I noticed that America differs a lot from some other cultures in terms of caregiving. I know caregiving is unbelievably hard and takes away almost your whole life but it seems as if lot of Americans cannot handle the fact that that's the way it works. You take care of your parent let's say and yes your life won't be the same. Some comments here said that caregiver hurt loved one by keeping them home instead placing them in a facility because the person watches tv all day long and just eats and sleeps. I think elderly parents, most of them would rather do nothing and stay with their kids then be forced to socialize with the crowd of strangers in a beautiful facility. I've seen and spoken to lot of old people in facilities about that and that's what they expressed. Of course, there are some who enjoy facilities. Mom mom said she would be very much ok with living in such a place as she is very outgoing and social. I guess she is in a minority. over 3 years, SharonlynnB said... I want to also add a great tip.... Go to Wal-Mart or any department store (I chose Wal Mart for all home care products because the prices are very affordable) and head off to the hardware section, and look for a battery operated doorbell. Place the doorbell button in your loved one's bedroom and put the box outside of the room where you can hear the bell chime. I do this so If my father needs me, he knows to press the doorbell. I also have glow in the dark stickers on my father's button so he can see the button at night time. The doorbell runs off a battery and it only cost $12.00 to $20.00. It's Great! Another tip... Even if your elderly loved one is healthy, if the elderly can use a toilet, never leave them alone in the bathroom alone for more than 15 minutes without checking on them. When my father was able to get around, I would time his bathroom use. You will get a rough idea how long your lived takes using the facility. On the toilet and in the shower or even grooming the hair. Many elderly people suffer strokes using the bathroom or bad falls. If your loved is longer than usual, you need, You Must Stop What You Are Doing and check the bathroom. Also, teach your elderly loved one not to lock the door in case you need to get inside. These tips are important and you should utilize them. You are responsible for the care of your loved one. Be Responsible. over 3 years, SharonlynnB said... Moving a parent into your home is tough in the first few months but it gets easier in time. The tough part is mostly disorganization and before you know it, you adapt very well and become organized as you go along. My father lives with me and he no longer is able to get out of bed and he has dementia. I now have to give him full care, which means he has to wear diapers and I have to change them and give him baths in his bed. Yes, at first, that is difficult but time, Time has a way of getting better. You get used to it and you actually become fast changing diapers, washing and changing the bed and you become well organized. Keep in mind, when you move your elderly loved one into your home, they get older and each year, they do not get healthier. They are fragile and getting older, not younger. So you need to expect health situations to decline. One day they are communicating and walking around and as time goes on, they don't walk around so much. They sit for long periods. Then eventually, they may or may not be able to get out of bed. When they are in that stage, that's when you get a home physician. If your parent has health insurance, home physicians come to your home. Look up Home Care Physicians. Also, you can get home care at your home services by calling your State's Department of Aging. Listen, there is help and it's not as difficult as you think it is to care for your elderly loved one. It all depends on your organization skills. If you don't know how to organize, you should not be taking care of your elderly loved one. If you have no patients, you should not take care of your elderly loved one. I take care of my father and it's not hard to do. In time you will gain skills and become organized. It's Not So Tough. over 3 years, bless one said... I do understand how stressful it can be to take care of someone in your own home but imagine taking care 17 within 8 hour period and I'm not talking about in your home but in a nursing home and that's what I do and for me that's my passion and I would love to take care of someone in my home versus that amount of people and as of right now I'm looking to do just that answer get out of the nursing home field but the one thing that people don't understand is that the AIDS know more about the residence then the nurses do believe that but a lot of times we get override because they don't like that we know something about what's going on better than they do and it is what it is and I worked in the hospitals and nursing homes I have done it all and loved it but just not my superiors because a lot of them did not have the patience or the heart well it was nice speaking to you all I hope this helps someone. over 3 years, ashleyreed said... My mother is going to move into our house, we have a spare bedroom, and I don't like her living on her own. I think we're going to get some in home care for her, my husband and I both work full time, so we won't be home to take care of her. It is good to think about how the kids will feel, mine are really excited for grandma to be living with us. over 3 years, Karen52 said... What if the person doesn't want to come live with you and they should? over 3 years, Ann1967 said... Well written! This article is very thorough and helpful. almost 4 years, cecehawk said... For people that have not had to take care of a loved one particularly a parent, it is hard. I thought that I could do it. I am an only child and the stress is high and I am very angry. She lays in bed all day due to depression and arthritis and when she does get out of bed she can barely walk she hurts so bad. I am trapped in the house 24/7 as I cant leave her due to her falling at times. There is a lot more to this story then what I am expressing. She has early signs of dementia and I am just about ready to give up myself. I am still young enough to go enjoy my life also. I need a break. Ive read some of the comments on here that stated the parents took care of us when we were born, which is true and I agree to a point. When we were little our parents could get baby sitters, they could scoop us up and take us them, as a parent gets older and the tables turn it is not as easy. Our everyday life and everything is taken away, not the case when they were bringing us up. I will never ever be a burden and that may be callus to say, will not be that way towards my children. She is 87 yrs old and I feel like im doing more harm than good to both of us. I just cant deal anymore. about 4 years, a fellow commenter said... I'm with the last comment. My mom was living with my brother and made comments about doing dishes, laundry, etc. She moved in with us because he couldn't take the strain it was putting on their family. We took her in and never should have. Same deal. She sat down 3 years ago and doesn't do a thing but watch TV 12 hours a day and comes out of her room mainly when the meals are cooked. That's it. She doesn't even wipe a counter or the table when she's done. We do her laundry, clean her room, and clean up her messes in the kitchen. We should have never done it. It's putting a strain on our marriage and family. She just eats, sleeps and watches TV and has gained 50 pounds in the last 3 years. It's awful to watch. I can only imagine what the future holds. over 4 years, a fellow commenter said... Our verdict is in: We were selfish to bring an elderly parent into our home; we should have never done it. Put them into a home of some sort with other elderly folks and I will tell you why. My 84 year old MIL was living back east with her brain injured son and her grandson. She was cooking, cleaning, paying bills, doing it all for them when she decided enough was enough and moved out west with us. We thought she would help, not do it all, but help. She moved in, sat down and has never gotten back up. We are watching her waste away and have felt like we have done more damage by letting her live with us. Her own Dr has told her she needs more activity in her day. You see, we are literally gone 20 hours a day. Between our sleep time and work time there is no one around to motivate her. She is sleeping the vast majority of the 20 hours or watching television. In hindsight and I will yell this from the mountain tops, we should have brought her here, put her into a facility and taken off a month to stay with her in the facility so she could get used to it and get a routine going. The facilities we have looked at have activities, people to mingle with and make friends with, a dining room to walk to, hair days, nail days, movie days, entertainment days, etc. So, if you have any sense at all please heed our warning. Now that she is here and moved in it is impossible to get her out without hurting feelings. Don't let them move in in the first place. almost 5 years, Annette S said... Hello my name is Annette an I been a care giver for 15years - Im looking in to moving my father inlaw in to my home he needs care but I don't know how to go about it. I need some guides. He has kasiers inc. also he is bed bound he is 87years old . Please can someone guide me to help me have him as an live in ! i like to be his caregiver! Thank you so much Annette over 5 years, a fellow commenter said... My mouth is full of testimonies, Am miss PRECIOUS E my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Dr Abulu and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband.. Dr Abulu of firstname.lastname@example.org over 5 years, ibducky said... My sister has POA BUT I have Medical Power of Attorney. I hate that is has become an issue, but How much should I charge for mom living with us. She has SEVER Alzheimers, She need diapers, She cannot do anything for herself. she cannot feed herself, walk, bath, brush her teeth, or brush her hair. She cannot stand. almost 6 years, babygirl6152 said... Help! I need advice. My daddy is in rehab facility. My mother bought an inflatable bed to stay by his side. He told me tonite he wants to move to a V A nursing home as not to become a burden. He wants Mom to live with me and my family. I think he should try home first with VA homebound care. His only problems are unable to move feet or support himself while standing, fingers curled from arthritis. He is a pretty healthy guy, 91. I am begging him not to go to nursing home. It will be a 10 hour drive., well, yes, THAT might be a burden. Please tell me what to say! Momma just listens and won't say much. They adore each other. Won't this break her heart? over 6 years, brigitte said... There are parents who were loving and positive who cared for their childrens feelings of cheerful dispositions. Aside from effort in tasks they aren't a burden to care for. Some pleasant enough parents who get caught up in feeling displaced and vulnerable both by frailty and forced dependance can become demanding or difficult . With those people need to be mindful of their personal resilience, what their existing stress load is and ability to influence the older one to better adjustment. If there is any doubt about your capacity to remain positve and remain in a healthy detatchment and finding solutions to whatever crops up, don't do it and work on seeking other good quality means of care or service support for the older one while visiting them lots instead . If you have a parent who never liked you, did their duty though was otherwise abusive stick to just doing your duty with due diligence and integrity. That still involves accessing timely quality services with sufficient visits to ensure their care needs are met well and curteously attend to their birthdays, mothers or fathers day and seasonal festivities. A parent like that doesn't really want your care even if they pretend at times, "it's a pity I can't live with you", as they fear your retribution when vulnerable if left to your mercy. If I tried to personally assist my mother in her residential care she wouldn't let me and I saw the fear in her eyes only letting a staff member help. It never even occured to me or could I do any form of payback like that. It scared me more to think of what she had within her to imagine such. She even managed to cause my bother, her once favourite, to have brief breakdown-carer burn out episode- needing a few counselling sessions plus the rest of us local kin visiting for a time in rosters. Despite being interstate he had been the one dealing the most with her issues, even visiting while showing a lot of consideration. Mum managed to do that by having a demanding phase, just by phone, from that distance while well cared for in her hostel. My brother who copes with project management contracts, a family and is enegetic could be left shaking by this little old lady without even being under the same roof. Trust that there are many situations that wether by an older persons personality or past treatment of children or various conditions, that both for the wellbeing of the kin as a carer and the older person, moving them in can be far more negative than other forms of support. Furthermore, never underestimate very elderly people, even when demented, they have over 85 years of life knowledge, they aren't stupid even when cognitively impaired. Their defences have a lot to draw on while they have the strength to speak. Can't remember to turn a hot plate off, but can leave kin burning by still finding the right buttons to press. Mostly it's the elders feelings of vulnerability rather than intended malice is what can make them prone to becoming more defensive. over 6 years, brigitte said... This article was excellent. Do try and get this check list in ordinary magazines or general family items on the internet. Too many people only look up carer rescources and supports after they cluelessly commit to the role and find themselves sinking. This is one of the few comprehensive yet accessible article that guides people to ask some of the most important questions and encourages them to find out thoroughly about possible conditions throughout their course. That is in the impact on the older person and therefore the possible impact on everyone. This includes the potential carers, their family and by implication how suitably would the older persons needs be met. The most common situation is that of carers not understanding what they will be dealing with when the elder persons condition will decline from relatively easy support of the early stages of dementias to becoming progressively the epitomy of a carer's nightmare over a few years. Ironically in good residential care they aren't overly high demand at the same earlier declining stage. That is if entering at the earlier point by adjusting to stable routines, having others to interact with, options of activities and experienced carersworking over shifts. Families can keep visiting and take them on outings with all experiencing the earlier declining stage as positive. Another advantage is that the older person is securely orientated to their residence even when dramatically further declined. Moving at the late stage is frightening, distressing and cruel. It's also harder to get in a residence when desperate for it. I really doubt if carers understood what caring for dementia in their home was to entail that they would do it outside of having no money and possible access to get a placement. The other thing you pointed out well, was that assistance can be needed throughout the night impacting on sleep.It was also the time carers caused the most harm by not anticipating night assistance. A cognitively normal elder who is frail and not secure on their feet may be an easy matter to minimally assist going to the toilet in the day or even manages that independantly then. Fatigued at night the older person can need more assistance when toileting at night and needing to go during the night once or twice. Tired carers ended up dropping the aged one at night resulting in broken bones. Other times the older person considerate of others sleep deprivation decides to try alone and falls. The outcome becomes a person who'd have had years in a hostel ending up in a nursing home and not living much longer.These sad outcomes of good intentions happened to carers who would not have had the list of things your article gave. almost 7 years, heallling said... My 80 years old dad is in nursing home due to the fact, I am physically could not taking care of him completely. I feel terrible as things happened around. I just could only come and visit him once a day. I tried different shift and I learn the most valuable shift I could do for him is night shift. Right before he went to bed. Why? I can feed him my home made food in case he miss a meal, I am making sure and check things before the end of the day as less staffs service at the time. Then, the next morning, everything will be handle properply. That make it like he has been taken care of around the clock. _And his health and his mood showing that. almost 8 years, antiqueboutique said... My beloved grandmother and I always lived together, she took care of me when I was a little girl, I took care of her even after having my own son, I promised her at the age of 4 that I would always take care of her and did until the day she died. My grandmother was 90, she died at home with me and my son, just as I had always prayed, that she have a beautiful pain free passing. She wasn't even my biological grandmother and I loved her and will always love her until the day I day. I never even considered placing her in a facility. almost 8 years, sholly said... Oh, there is NEVER a time not to be there for your parents. TRUST ME. Ignore what they say, they only know one thing, but we as their children know when they are in trouble, PLEASE, don't take, ( I'm ok,) they are not. almost 8 years, a fellow commenter said... My Mom and i were inseperable, my father had a decline 3 years prior to his death and my brother was terminally ill. I have one other brother. Being single and 48 at that time i moved my best friend mom in with me, but that qucikly changed as i knew i made a mistake. Mom is a healthy 72 year old, i had a boyfriend and she was very jealous of that relationship. It is hard to come home to someone everyday who has been there alone all day, not willing to make friends find something to do with her time other than clean the house, i felt uncomfortable in my own home. My mom has filet migon taste , hamburger pocket book. Things got really bad and i said and did things i want to take back . We have just made up and started a relationship up again she is now living with my brother who told her from the get go you have six months to save money and be on your own. Due to her financial situation, she lost her house....spend,.....spend....spend. I felt so bad for her when my father passed, then my oldest brother only one year after to the day. it has been a hard four years, but she is seeing now she needs her own space too, I have told my daughter and son in law do not ever move me in with you. The burden is huge. almost 8 years, LAJackson said... Such a sensitive topic! We chose to have my elderly, physically-challenged in-laws move into our home, thinking the stay would be short-term. The short-term stay lasted six years! The first year was a honeymoon phase, where the little quirks and foibles were amusing, but as time passed, the family learned to draw on our various strengths and to lean on each other in order to get through the days. My husband and I learned quickly that a dry sense of humor is a MUST for this living arrangement. My father-in-law has since passed away and my mother-in-law had a massive stroke, forcing her to be in round-the clock care. Our years together were tough, but we wouldn't have had it any other way, and certainly encourage families to consider co-habiting before moving the elderly into nursing care. I've captured our years together in my book, Slightly Dented Halos, available through Amazon.com. almost 8 years, a fellow commenter said... One more things about my in-laws....I was angry when I was writing the last comment....whew! Now that they are in assisted living, I enjoy our visits with them again and my husband and I are doing better too.... I felt really bad for my husband, but he agreed we needed to move them out...my father in law's condition was too complicated to have him in the house. Nice ending to horrible story!! almost 8 years, a fellow commenter said... I used to love my mother in law and enjoyed our visits with her until my Father in law got sick. My husband and i have been married for 22 years and for 22 years I have adored this lady. We moved them into our home after my FIL got sick and now I can't even stand to be in the same room with her....I hate her!!! So if you get along with your inlaws, DON'T MOVE THEM INTO YOUR HOUSE. IT WILL SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. I used to enjoy our 1 hour visits with them in their home and at times she would get a little annoying, but I knew it was only a visit and we'd be out of there in no time....something to ponder..... almost 8 years, sunlight said... I never had a chance, to care for my mother which was both mother and father. She died of cancer, she was 62 yr's old, but if she was still here today! I WOULD GLADLY MOVE HER IN WITH ME. Even thou we disagreed about everything. about 8 years, a fellow commenter said... I THINK THAT MOVING YOUR PARENTS WITH YOU IS THE BEST IDEA YOUR PARENTS COME ONE TIME IN LIFE HONOR THEM LOVE EVERY MINUTE HAVING THEM REMENBER THEY WERE THERE FOR OUR FRIST EVERYTHING IN LIFE BE THERE FOR THEM GOD BLESS. about 8 years, a fellow commenter said... If they were still alive, YES. No question or discussion!!! about 8 years, a fellow commenter said... You may give up most things by having an aging parent move in with you, but I feel blessed,,,,some days more than others, but always blessed. about 8 years, a fellow commenter said... I believe that when a parent is in need of assistance because their health has failed, the children should always care for that parent, whatever the circumstances are. When we were born, our parents had no choice but to care for us. Feed us, cloth us, take us back and forth to school, all those things necessary to care for growing children. It is only right for the child to take care of the parent when they become ill, not throw them in some nursing facility for them to get beat or mishandled. Caring for a loved one should come naturally, but when people throw their loved ones into a nursing facility, it shows the love a person REALLY have for their parent. They had to raise us, and we should be their for them in their time of need. It shouldn't be a question, throwing your parents away is selfish and thoughtless. about 8 years, Liz2390 said... I will never allow my Mom to live in a nursing home, Heard very bad things about nursing homes, My Mom gave birth to me and took care of me from the day I was born till the day I got married, I will have my Mom live with me with pleasure and will take care of her as she did with me!!!!! about 8 years, Liz2390 said... My Mom took care of me from the day I was born, till I got married, If I have to take my Mom to live with me, I will do so with pleasure, no questions ask!!!!! about 8 years, LA-LA-LU said... my question is, i am 64 retired last year. i have relocated to texas to live with my daughter. she works full time and goes to school 1-nite a week, and is going thru a divorce. i take care of my 5yr. old grandson 24/7, including weekends when she goes away, and goes out to party. i recieve s.s. and pay on my car, and insurance, and internet/phone bill. i contribute to groceries, when i can. my daughter says because i live here, and she is paying my rent, she shouldn't have to pay me for taking care of her son, and i have dinner made for her when she comes home from work. is this true? i feel like i should get paid for being a nanny to the little one, i home school him also. i am on no meds, and in good health. about 8 years, warhalotta said... My older brother use to look after mother, then he became ill, so I was forced to pretty much take her in with me. She was in another state w/my brother, He since passed away. So for the last 5 1/2 yrs she has been living with me, I retired to hopefully have some freedom to do things retires do, But that was not the case, mother is 94 and get around fair, still takes care of her personal hygeine. But my freedom has long since been gone, my husband and I do not do anthing for ourselfs, I am 71+, and feel trapped no family here to help, she does go to daybreak 3 days aweek, but still not enough time away from each other and us to be able to have a life, I don't and wont recommend it for anyone, but do as you must. Financially not able to have people come to stay while we have a weekend to oourself, When I get to that point I told my kids, to not take me in there homes, I want to go to assisted living and not put a burdon and them and there familys. about 8 years, a fellow commenter said... No matter how hard it was, my brother and I could not put our mother into a home. We both took care of her. We do not regret anything. about 8 years, Juice said... We did not ask to be born into this life, as we know it. However, we are here. AS a child, we needed help from someone and it was Mom or Dad who was there. AS we age and our state of mind changes, we need our love ones to remember that it's our turn to be helped with things we can no longer do for ourselves. My Mom stayed in her home, where she felt safe and loved. WE should not move them to a place of displacement. A home unknown to them. I know it's hard to make such a discision, when it comes to our parents and love ones. So, truely deeply, please think of how or where YOU want to be at your end of days. Peace Be Unto You, Juice about 8 years, peaceful said... I have moved my mom in my home and she wears a an alert necklace when I am working or out of the house. She is 95 and in good physical health and excellent mental health. We have always been close and she is fun to have around. She helps with the mortgage and utility bills and is very aware of my personal space. However, I am not a nurse and am not good with illness, so I plan to hire help when the time comes. about 8 years, Bob Ormsbee said... Your financial estimates for assisted living are way too low. In southern California, I estimate an average minimum per person at $45,000 to $55,000. about 8 years, popseal said... There is only so much one can do. After that, the issue will be a false sense of guilt. Don't let a manipulative parent use you. Children remember, you are not responsible for the consequences of the passage of time. Do what you can, but don't put yourself in a spot where your life is now on unlimited hold! I know whereof I speak. about 8 years, returnunopened said... Only if they have plenty of money....oh and really old. Plus a really high fever is a bonus. over 8 years, a fellow commenter said... When my mother was told she had lung cancer the first thing she said was that she wanted to stay in her own home & did not want to go into a nursing facility. Everyyone of us 10 children wanted her to move in with them but she said she knew it would be the wrong decision for us & for her. My younger brother & his wife offered to move in with our Mother & take care of her when she could no longer take care of herself. This was acceptable for all concerned & the rest of us went to her home to visit with & take care of her on the weekends this gave our broher & his wife time to do what they wanted to or needed to do. This worked quite well for our family. Our Mother stayed in her home until the end & each of us had a feeling that we contributed to her being able to do so. Our Mother had a wonderful sense of humor & each of us loved her dearly she also got along with everyone of her daughter inlaws & all of the son inlaws were close to her. She always did everything in her power to make us feel special & will always be remembered & missed by every member of our family. over 8 years, russ10 said... Unlike most comments, I am a 74 year old male who will be moving from my own paid for home into the house I sold to a son a while back. This was at my son's invitation. I had given this move a lot of thought, and in the end since my mind is sound and I am physically mobile and more or less still active, I think it will work out. It is the future that concerns me, but no one that I know ever went off the deep end in their old age in my family. over 8 years, Just like You said... I really do understand about this heart-tugging issue. I have my father living in a nursing home facilty. I am practically homeless myself, and I know this was best for him and since he has lost alot of memory, I can't trust him alone. Financially, even if I was able to live with him, it not easy to afford around the clock assistance. I send you all hugs for the courage to make the best choice for your loved one! Providence will provide! over 8 years, isis75 said... Moving an aging adult into my home was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. My 87 year old mother-in-law moved in with my husband and I 6 years ago. It has not been an easy road. Although she is physically independent for now, we see the slow decline both physically and mentally. We both still work and it is becoming more stressful each day leaving her alone. I am so afraid she is going to fall or worse yet start a fire or something. When do you know when it's time to get daily help? We struggle with these decisions. about 9 years, a fellow commenter said... I wish I had read this, or talked openly with my husband before moving my mother out of my sister's condo into our house. She does not want to make new friends where we live, and she did not want to stay in her own house. It is a huge burden on us to try to be her "everything." about 10 years, Chaney said... gordanlarry, How can your 90 year old Mom have a choice if she has bad health? Can't you tell her she is going in a home? It's time to think of yourself now. over 10 years, gordonlarry said... I agree...we moved my 90 yr old mother in our home...we really never got along..she was thrown out of her apt complex that she moved in after selling her home. I am in tears alot and she refuses to consider a nursing home. She is in terrible health...what can I do...she needs to move out for everyones health...Some on help me. email@example.com over 10 years, Kona said... Good article! Wish I would have read it 2 years ago before agreeing to move my 87 yr. old mother-in-law in to our home after her husband and older son passed away. Anyone thinking about caring for their elders should read this article and really think long and hard about all your good points that you bring up.