Caring for Elderly Relatives: How to Handle Family Conflicts

Heart filled with joy shearing this to this forum. I was so wrecked that my company fired me simply because i did not obliged to their terms, so they hacked into my system and phone and makes it so difficult to get any other job, i did all i could but things kept getting worse by the day that i couldn’t afford my 4 kids fees and pay my bills. I owe so many people trying to borrow money to survive because my old company couldn’t allow me get another job and they did all they could to destroy my life just for declining to be among their evil deeds. haven’t given up i kept searching for job online when i came across the testimony of a lady called Judith regarding how she got the blank ATM card. Due to my present state, i had to get in touch with Hacker called Donard Lucas. email: donardmorrisworld27@gmail.com and he told me the procedures and along with the terms which i agreed to abide and i was told that the Blank card will be deliver to me without any further delay and i hold on to his words and to my greatest surprise, i received an ATM card worth $5000 Daily withdraw for 12 months.i immediately confirmed it, it is 100% real and work. All Thanks to Donard Lucas, if you are facing any financial problem contact him asap. Email: donardmorrisworld27@gmail.com you can text him via phone number: +12142720837

My father died on July 14, 2017 and my sister is taking control of all of my mother's assets and using them for herself. My father left a 32" airstream trailer to my brother yet she is trying to take it from him. It is all he has...and my sister is making my mother pay her mortgage while she is unemployed. I am a Christian and I swear she is the devil's spawn.

Family tensions and squabbles like the excellent writer Connie Matthiessen talks about here – taken a step further, into estate activities and throughout probate, are often terribly severe disagreements that will never let up no matter how much of an effort there is between siblings and family members to negotiate emotional and financial issues and terms, are surely, usually, caused by age old rivalries dating back to childhood and adolescence… And if we examine these conflicts from many heirs’ perspective in terms of inheritance safety in the face of these intra-family conflicts, I can see why so many heirs and beneficiaries decide to get some of their inheritance assets in advance of probate closing… To put it bluntly, this puts inheritance money, probate cash, into the pockets of middle class heirs who otherwise couldn’t afford to hire their own personal estate or probate attorney, and perhaps CPA as well, and lastly even a tax attorney in some cases, during probate – basically to just protect their inheritance money and or property. They simply just don’t trust their siblings in many cases, and they frequently mistrust the probate lawyer of record as well as the executor who is tied to the hip of said probate or estate attorney, to put it plainly. Those impatient heirs are not just impatient as many articles indicate, they are clearly scared of losing inheritance money to other heirs they don’t like or trust… and I see many heirs following through on getting advance inheritance money, to get a loan on inheritance – and borrow against their inheritance to get a large probate advance, inheritance advance, inheritance loan, or inheritance cash advance – as fast as they can. So these folks do what they’ve never done before… they research inheritance loans, inheritance advance assignments… large estate loans, or even modest probate loans or probate advances… or even super fast 72 hour probate loans or trust fund cash advances or trust fund loans; Or 48 hour inheritance loans, inheritance cash advance or simple inheritance advance assignments from one of the better known online inheritance cash advance companies that put fast probate real estate loans and regular liquid asset based inheritance loans, or inheritance advance assignments — into the hands of scared or nervous heirs who first learn how to get inheritance loan rates, inheritance advance fees, and then quickly submit inheritance cash advance, probate advance, or probate loan applications to various online probate loan, trust fund advance companies that provide a myriad of inheritance loans and probate loans services. We’re talking about cash windfalls that are simply fast loans on inheritance, inheritance loans in advance, or loans against inheritance from inheritance advance companies like www.heiradvance.com, www.inheritancenow.com, or perhaps www.inheritanceadvance.com, companies that basically provide the same sort of services. This sort of windfall frequently seems to serve as real life-saving funds for many scared heirs, allows them to hire their own personal attorney, or protect themselves from getting upside down from taxes or personal loans with high monthly payments, or whatever. So they aren’t facing as high a mountain of debt as they might be otherwise.

My brother and I are way past ANY of these lovely recommendations. I have cared for my mom at home for 8.5 yrs and he never offered to change a light bulb pay for any break for me- nothing- i didnt resent that, however i did resent how he treated our mother like she was already dead and that he was clearly waiting for her to die so he could get his hands on her money and house which was at one time spit between us. She recently decides to give the house and her estate which is a 220K house + 50K mind you, So we arent the Rockafellars here, becuase she appreciated that i had made it possible for her to live at home and have a full life, which even at 98 yrs she still goes to church, lunches out w/ friends and reads2-3 books a week and is not sick at all!! I have enjoyed every minute of it, but am deeply relieved to feel if I'm VERY careful i might be able to live out my years hear on my social security. My very well off finacially brothers' had a FIT when i told him mom gave me the house and he assets. I didnt want to tell him after she died. I thought that would he cruel. He flew into a RAGE, coming to the house with wife in tow, both screaming @ me in front of mom even pushing me/ so much drama i called the police who actually treated my brother like the victim!!? Which i later found out was partially due to him telling the police mom had 1-2 months to live! Completley UNTRUE. Still, however, the WHITE. Male Privelge attitude of the local police just cannot wrap the head arround a MOTHER NOT WANTING 2 See her SON!?! They accuse ME of swaying her!?! My brother lives in FL. and BY Phone has these local police HARASSING My 98 yr old mother and me regularly on so called Wellness checks. Also , my brother has reported me to the Deptment of Elderly Affairs for ABUSE for Not caring for her well AND Misspending her MONEY. Not charges have been brought against me and i dont expect them to be becuase I'm NOT doing either of these things! My brother has a 600k house and lots of money.. so this is just mean spirited spite. I have used ALL my savings in the first 5 years of caring 4 my mom+ I worked pt time as well. We go on NO TRIPS- I have gone to see my grand daughter 1x a yr for 6 of the 8 yrs i paid 4 myself. My mother compensated me w/ some CD's that worked out to 50cents an hour for the work I've done so far and i will inheret this house and 50K God willing. Mom has made a will with all of this in it with an excellent elderlcare attourney- so hopefully he has no way of suing. She wrote a letter to him saying she would call him if she wanted to talk to him and to stop harrassing us. That is all she can do. I cant really protect her!! It is shocking there is NO protection from a family member harassing their parent and / caregiver sibling becuase they are MAD?! It is ABUSE but the athorities dont deal in that just the abuse where someone isnt being cared for or hurt phyically. or emotionally by a caregiver?? I couldnt FIND a lawyer to help us?!! If ANYONE has anyexperience with this i wd appreciate feedback. The police suggested mom write a letter telling brother to stop calling ( he would cal landline phone he knew we didnt answer was shut off due to telemarketers but i kept for emergencies and we USE my cell phone! Brother knows this! He wd tell the police he was calling mom and no answer so wd they go check on mom- when i said why doesnt he call my cell # he said " he doesnt want to talk to me( sister) " !!?? And thats OK?? Well I'm her legal power of attorney for Health and Finance and LIVE IN CareGIVER so he'a gonna have to talk to me? He just want to grill her about why she changes her will the CREEP! So she wrote a letter which i had to type due to her arthritis but Ida Leone laid it on the LINE. She is still in her right mind at 98.. unbeleivable... he has NEVER been attentive to our parents and they ADOPTED US In 1952 and 1954 we arent blood related to each other ( brother and I) - WHO adopted kids back then??! NO ONE- thats who. They were in the military when they met, two adorable midwestern people who saved our lives! I am so grateful to my parents who gave me a good life and my " brother" should be ashamed of himself. I needed to write this. It has been TERRIBLY Upsetting to my mother and myself. I am so glad to find this group. This has been tramatic for me as well. o

In many families it is not uncommon for a parent to serve as a point-of-contact between siblings who may live in different cities or have drifted apart over the years. When an elderly parent begins to experience cognitive decline, it can manifest as a misrepresentation of events or the motives behind what others are saying or doing. As an example, “Mom” might tell a sibling that "Jane" is behaving in such-and-such way because Jane is too controlling. The adult siblings who live the furthest or speak the least to Jane commonly assume that Mom is relaying information correctly if only because Mom has been in the role of family news manager for a long, long while. It cannot be stressed enough that hearsay is one's enemy in this situation. No matter how far apart you live or how far apart you are from your siblings, understand that one-on-one contact is the only way to get to the truth of anything, especially when dealing with a parent that may be in the early stages of cognitive decline or memory loss. Resentment can seem to arise from nowhere as a parent enters their elder years because whatever family is most involved with the parent on a day-to-day basis failed to “respect” Mom's wishes. Because Mom has been in the role of family news gatherer ("gatekeeper") nobody suspects that Mom, not Jane, has begun to experience cognitive changes that make it hard for her to appreciate that Jane is doing her best to look out for Mom. When Jane and Mom disagree, Jane becomes the family fall guy because she is taking a more direct role in Mom’s life (and therefore incurs the resistance of the elderly parent to any talk of change).. Oftentimes the family dynamic is more prone to going downhill (due to miscommunication) long before the family has come to any conclusion that an aging parent requires a “caregiver”. Siblings that reside out of the area find themselves at these early stages in a confusing he-said, she-said situation. In the early stages, those who become most trusted to an aging parent may very well be those who have the least influence and therefore represent less of a threat. In contrast, the first family member to flag age-related memory loss or to suggest lifestyle changes for the safety of the parent is “overstepping the bounds”. Denial and/or distance can make it difficult for other family members to consider the possibility that memory loss or cognitive decline, be it by age or certain medications (such as Statin drugs), may trigger personality changes that entail perceiving a threat where none exists. In the early stages before there is any official diagnosis of senility or dementia, family members may find themselves pointing fingers at each other. And because the parent in question is the family “news keeper”, it may be hard to appreciate that what an aging parent relates about a given situation or person may be inaccurate. It's difficult for a parent to go from leader in the family to having their decisions influenced by their adult kids. For many parents at this stage of life, at heart their child is still a child (even if that child is 50 years old!). When this dynamic exists, it is not uncommon for the parent to convey to other family members that such-and-such is the cause of the problem — that is to deflect concern away from themselves and onto the behavior/actions of another family member. What any person facing the elder years of a parent must appreciate is that memory loss and cognitive decline also influence perception of how others around the parent behave. Mom may be wholly unaware that she has significantly misrepresented events, motives, actions, reasons or causes for other family members' words or actions. In other words, Mom shouldn’t be the family news gatekeeper anymore. As the article above suggests, more direct (firsthand) communication with your siblings and the family members involved with your parent’s day-to-day life is essential. Even if you’ve drifted apart over the years you must have the presence of mind to come back together as a family unit and communicate one-on-one for the sake of not perpetuating misinformation, drama and ultimately the unraveling of relationships between family members. Too often, cognitive decline becomes an unappreciated, insidious phenomena until outright evidence of paranoia begins to show up (e.g. Mom reports that a long-time neighbor is now spying through the window). When, on the other hand, a parent fingers their own adult child for the “drama”, it is often difficult for other family members who do not interact as closely with that sibling or family member to give that individual the benefit of the doubt. The thinking may go as follows: Mom has never "lied" before, so why would she start now? It must be my brother or my sister or my cousin who is trying to hide their attempts to manipulate or control Mom.” The thing to remember in these cases is that Mom isn't "lying" and neither is your brother/sister/cousin. They simply recall and relate events differently because their perspectives differ. In events where adult siblings feel they are forced to choose between a version of events related by an elderly parent vs. an adult sibling, one must have the presence of mind to go back over an entire lifespan and ask if that sibling or family member has ever been known to create drama in the family before (or to otherwise known to lie/manipulate). If the answer is "That doesn't sound like my brother (sister, cousin)," understand at this point that the perception of the elderly parent has taken an age (or drug-related) decline. Rather than dissolve into what may become years' worth of infighting between adult siblings BEFORE a doctor diagnoses senility or dementia, understand that these "differing stories" and "Who do I believe?" situations may be EARLY INDICATORS that an elderly parent needs to have their neurological health (and drug interactions) checked. Too many families go down the road of fingering each other before it becomes undeniable that the elderly parent is experiencing a health or memory problem. Likewise, many people think of "memory problems" involve losing one’s keys or forgetting a name. We often fail to realize that the formation of accurate perceptions is also a casualty of cognitive decline. Someone who intends no harm at all — whether it's a long-time neighbor or a cousin or adult sibling — may initially seem to be acting against the best interest of the parent. This may or may not be true. What IS true is that family members who are dealing with an elderly parent must be on guard against knee-jerk conclusions and alarmist accusations that may come from an elderly parent. Look at your siblings or others who have had a long-term relationship with your parent over the years and do not downplay the broader context. Although it may be tempting to join in with Mom in throwing your no-good brother/sister/cousin under the bus be willing to ASK yourself that if overstepping the bounds and creating “harm” or “drama” truly fits with the personality/history of the person your elders parent or family member has accused. Family drama originating from the hearsy of an aging parent COULD indicate that the parent — especially if they remain front-and-center as the “family newsgatherer” — may benefit from a neurological evaluation workup by a qualified geriatric specialist.

I just read the comment from I don't like my mother but love her. I too consider myself a pack mule while mother gets all the attention from what used to be my family. It is hard to take knowing that is all I am just a way for her to get her needs met. I wish I knew how to stop and get off this trail and I am sure it will get worse before better. She just asked me last week what I gave her to drink with Christmas dinner said she had been sick for three days said someone tried to poison her oh dear this is way to crazy for me

my siste's second husband wants t o out her in a nursing home against her wishes

My 74 year old mother is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's. My uncle (her brother, who lives near her) and myself are c0-P.O.A.s, and he was the Trustee of her irrevocable Trust. I also have an older brother who lives overseas. Mom's condition reached a point where, even with uncle's help, she could no longer live at home. Uncle, who physically had the binder containing the Trust, denied he was P.O.A. and could do nothing to put Mom in a home, I put on my black hat, saddled up and drove hundreds of miles to put Mom in a memory care facility. At that point uncle threw the binder, a few papers, her checkbook, tax paperwork and bills at me and told me he was done, he just couldn't be responsible. I learned, once I read the Trust, that uncle WAS P.O.A., so he could have placed her in a care facility at any point instead of pressuring me. Also, as Trustee, HE was (still) responsible for paying her bills and paying her taxes, that he's signed on the dotted line agreeing to do so. Also, I found that he sold Mom's home out of the Trust and bought her condo (a year and a half ago) in her name, meaning Medicaid would get it since those funds were no longer held by the Trust. I've spent the last 6 months replacing paperwork he didn't pass along (to get ready to file for Medicaid when her funds run out), putting the condo in the Trust, battling doctors and insurance on her behalf, pre-planning her funeral,... you get the idea. On the bright side, I had uncle replaced as Trustee with myself, since I was acting as Trustee anyways. Mom is my part-time job. My parents knew, when they set up the Trust, that my uncle should be the one to do this. He's close, it's his sister, I have a young child and a demanding job, and they wanted a Trust so my brother and I would inherit something. Alzheimer's runs strongly in our family. Anyways, I am "it". My brother won't even respond to my email updates, let alone provide any emotional support. My uncle and aunt call and complain about where Mom is, my aunt screaming "Your Mother's in Hell!!! Don't you care? All you want is the money!!!" any time there's a lull in the conversation. I said if they didn't like her current home they were welcome to find a new place, as long as it took Medicaid, had doctors on staff (I can't drive her) and could deal with an able-bodied exit-seeker. They want her in a luxury facility which can't handle her (she's agitated and sometimes violent) and doesn't take Medicaid. They want to sell Mom's assets, which aren't hers really, they belong to the Trust. I'm doing the best I can from hundreds of miles away. My father died at the end of 2013, at which point we discovered Mom's dementia -Dad had been covering for her. I don't feel I've had time to grieve either of my parents, and my uncle's (and aunt's) berating and my brother's total lack of support is making a terrible situation a nightmare. Honestly, I'm trying!

My niece is terminally ill , who has more say regarding her care , well being, her son or her parents ,

My niece is terminally ill who has more say for her well being her son or her parents

My smoother in law and her daughter froze my father in law bank account plus took his check now buying his needs are getting expense what can we do

I am the primary caregiver for my 90 year old mother with whom I live. Also living in the house are my two minor children. I am a single parent, and the children's father has abandoned us. We get no help from him and no help from his family. I work part-time for a doctor, care for my children, and manage my son's career (he is a teen actor) and my daughter's learning disability. I also run a small business. My brother is a recovering alcoholic and cannot get a job. He has gotten into super expensive student loans and owes $500,000 on these loans for his two kids, one of whom is 30 years old and refuses to get a job or help pay back his loan. He lives with his parents. My brother leases a brand new Mercedes. He is constantly asking for money and has taken $7,500 from my dementia mother. He refuses to pay it back. He yells at me when I ask him to help in her care. He insists that he helps but then claims he is too busy looking for a job. Additionally, when I ask him about his son, who is 30, if he could help here and there, he insists that this young man, who is unemployed, is just too busy. Too busy talking to agents, producers, studio heads - but still does not have a job. Today when I told him I felt like I am taking on 98% of the burden he told me that if I continued to talk like that he would hang up on me. I told him go ahead, hang up on me. I realize I am in a dysfunctional situation. I tried calling various government agencies to see about getting professional help for an affordable rate. I can't even get any respite care. I am desperate.

My Brother has kept my Mother away from me for 2 years saying that i just make her blood pressure go up and that i am insane, She is iin the second stages of alzhimiers Disease and i need and want to see her. I'm not insane i am bipolar and medicated and seeing a doctor monthly. Before she got bed ridden i took care of her everyday, taking her out to her favorite places, shopping and kept her from morning till 6pm, as she loved to play with my baby daughter. This is killing me, im so scared she is gonna die and i won't get to tell her how much i love her and to say goodbye! is this legal?

Family dynamics are hard. My situation isn't as difficult as many I've read in this thread, but still my brothers and I have become estranged. I moved back to the same city as my parents ten years ago because all of us had moved away and I knew my folks would need help eventually. So now that my Dad is 92 and my Mom has Alzheimer's, I'm the one caring for both of them. My Mom went into memory care this year and my brothers have come to visit, but when they come it never seems to give me much help. It's more work because I have to arrange get-togethers and still keep up with my caregiving roles. From taking classes from the Alz Assoc. I knew that keeping the family informed is important, and I tried to do that for a while. But it was always me taking the time to write all the news and them just replying, thanks; or something like that. Again, more work for me and no support coming back for my efforts. My brother had the idea to have video chat meetings so we all signed up for Skype or something but when the meeting time would come I'd log on and sit there for ten minutes waiting for the others, who didn't show up and each time I wound up getting disgusted and closing the window in a huff. It obviously was not as much of a priority for them as it was for me. Over the past few months I've stopped communicating with my brothers at all, because it only angered me to try. They rarely take the time to call my Mom even though she needs calls more than ever, living alone in the care facility. My Dad still gets emails from them but they don't include me so I'm now isolated from my siblings. I chose it, because dealing with them was more frustrating than helpful. I know it's not a healthy response but what can I do? It's not like they are suddenly going to start being nurturing. I think the problem from their POV is, they feel guilty because they can't really do anything to help. But from my POV, they don't really try to help, they just assume they can't. Through this situation I've realized that my brothers have opinions about me, based on my past behavior. I was never big on taking responsibilities in the past and I wasn't smart with money, and I've noticed that they still think of me that way, even though I've stepped up and taken on all the responsibilities regarding my parents. To them I'll always be the little sis who is kind of a loser and who tries to skate through life. That's not who I am any more but I've felt that judgment, I believe that in their minds I'm still the same. I'd like my brothers to give me "credit" for all I do, but they really have no idea how much I do, and besides, life just doesn't work that way. Whatever. I never thought my relationship with them would deteriorate like this, but I feel okay about myself regardless, because I know I'm doing the right thing. What it comes down to is that we as caregivers (yall are my new family lol) we take care of our relatives because we care about them, and because we have the ability to. And regardless of how that goes, we know that we're doing the right thing. Along with hardship comes growth, so I know in the long run I will benefit from the situation, even if I can't tell how, from my current perspective. I am scared about how long this might go on...but I just take one day at a time. I put my life on hold for a long time and I'm just now starting to look around me and start doing a few things for myself. My brothers don't realize how much work this has been for me, how much heartbreak I've suffered, or how much it has changed me. But I do, and I suppose that's all that really matters.

My father is 84 years old and what diagnosed with terminal cancer. My father live independently with my mother and I go to see them after work to make sure they're OK and the medications are taken. My brother and I share the responsibilities for now but somehow no matter what I do I get yell at. As a matter fact yesterday he screamed so loud to me the my dad who has the cancer and my mother who is also the caregiver. He implied that I don't get along with my sisters that don't live in the same town and that I have problems and I should take care of my problems before I come to see my parents. My parents were very surprised to hear what he was saying. Didn't make no sense. Now I am afraid to go back to my parents house when he's around. I don't know what to do I'm so scared. I love my parents and they love when I am there. ..I don't know what to do. Please help

My mother-in-law lives has lived with us for 2 years. Prior to this we cared for our grandchildren. We booked a 2 week holiday but had to cancel because mother-in-law refused to stay in respite a place she loves point blank for 2 weeks. She accused me of stealing money from her. A friend of hers said to her that we have no life and haven't had for a long time. Mother-in-law said well I'm not going into a home. She told my husband she would take tablets if we put her in one. My husband said he would rather she was dead than go in one. I have level 3 kidney disease and Hashimotos thyroiditi a bad back and arthritis in my shoulder. I am tired fed up and so resentful. She came to live with us because she kept falling over and couldn't cope on her own. She has her own living room bedroom and bathroom. I told her I was not going to be her companion and that it would work out between us as she has her own space and we ours. But she has gotten more and more dependent Over the past year. She has refused all help from social services that was the last straw for me. I Feel so bad that I have no practical or emotional help for you, except to say you are a very kind considerate person. Go find some craft classes go for a coffee with a friend join a carers association. Talk to your family. You are a person you had a life try to get some of it back. Please look after your self too

I took care of my Uncle (Mom's brother) who had Alzheimer's approx 4 years. I have also taken care of my Grandfather many years ago for two years (Mom's Dad). And my husband when he was sick also 2 years. My uncle made me this executor, power of attorney, etc. When he moved in with me before he dies I asked my Mom to get all of the items from the house (It was the family farm) and most of the stuff was given to her and her sister when my Grandma died. My sister who Mom lives with said no she was coming on vacation and not going to move furniture. There were 11 people who were in the will that I knew I would have problems later. This would have been a huge load off of my mind, They decided I was just being bossy so they wouldn't so it. My Brother who was offered the farm by my Uncle for the assessed value bought the house before the Uncle died because I needed the money for his care. He became combative so I needed help with his care. Brother signed a contract with me when my uncle died stating that I had 1 year property rights. This was just so I could get the items out of the house before they moved in. Well they took almost every thing out of the house and placed it the barn. (They were not even moving here for another year). They changed the locks on the doors so I had no access to the house. And expected me to go through a young cousin if I needed anything. This cousin and I never did get along very well. Finally after my brother fighting me with almost every thing I was trying to do, please remember that their were 11 other people I had to make happy concerning the will. Even though I had tried real hard to keep my brother happy. We not only got in a big fight my Mom and two sisters decided to take his side and not only didn't care about my side they called me the bad guy in all of this. And my sister called me a thief. Because she thought the stuff in my garage had belonged on the farm. When she found out she was wrong I never even got a sorry out of her. It's been 4 years a my brother has not spoken to me. He now lives in my neighborhood and I feel like I have lost most of my family who I was always close to. I don't understand how they can all turn on me when I feel like I have done so much for this family. My Mom and sisters have moved on from this but it is still killing me inside. I am trying to sell my home so that I can get a way from my brother. I have lived here for 15 years. I hate living here now, this is the place that I loved so much I always thought I would die here. There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry over this. I can't go out to see my friends because they took over that spot also. What do I do to get over this???

Hi, my name is Dawn, I am 51 years old, My father died when I was 19,and my mother remarried to another man a couple of years later. she was only 44. He was 10 yrs older than her. They both had 28 yrs together. During those years my mother consintrated on her new husband. she wasn't in my life much at all. I was a new wife at 21 and mother. she was never there for me or my children. Now that her 2nd husband has died. She is 73 yrs old still very healthy and independent. but since he died she has now wanted to become apart of my life much more and has become very needy and constintly says she is lonely.She is a good person and has alot of friends and she even teaches piano to students for extra income. I love my mother, but I am very resentful of the way she makes me feel. I work full time my 2 children just married I am a new grandmother, and want to spend time with them. She refuses to get out in the winter, So on my only days off I am exspected to bring her groceries and visit. every weekend.She has been giving my husband and I guilt trips of moving in with her.She has a huge property to maintain. and She refuses to down size. So my husband is exspected to mow several acres and maintain a old apple orchard of 180 trees that her husband did for his retirement.and she refuses to cut down, and he told her too before he died because he knew how much work it was. I feel this is totally unfair to my husband - he has since been force to retire due to a total knee replacement that never healed properly. my mother had to mow herself last year which she let us know how no difficult it was for her .I feel as if she uses us, and plans our weekends to suit her needs and chores around her home. What about my home and yard which we have not much time to enjoy or work on. I pray and pray, I love my mother but I haven't been acknowledged in her life for 28 yrs. So I don't feel close to her at all. I pretend and hold in my resentment as not to upset her. Because I do believe she deserves respect from me.She has told me over and over, how her 50 and 60's were the best years of her life.I wish I could say the same. My mother has several more years ahead of her for which I'm glad. Her mother lived into her 90's. I guess there are no good answers,and I guess what I'm asking is am I being selfish ? am I wrong in my thinking,there are so many people I see who it doesn't seem to bother them doing for their parents. I feel as if I am giving up my time and life. The time I feel I should be enjoying with my husband, and grandchildren. Just because she was too into her own life with her husband she never watched or did anything with her only 2 grandchildren. I always said even as a teenager, I would rather be my mothers friend then child, because she treats her friends like gold,but now that she needs me more shes been trying to be closer to me, and I just can't deal with it. And I'm not giving up my home and life for her, why should I , and she actually does'nt need me too yet. She totally capable health wise. Honestly I feel totally guilt ridden thinking this way and my only brother lives states away and refuses to help.

So, family meetings, keep your cool, ask for help.....got it. My husband and I are the primary caregivers for his 90 & 91 year old parents. They love ve with us now. The advice you give is good, but what do you do when their other three children won't even return a phone call let alone help. They do not call their parents regularly, or visit them. If fact they seem intent on treating their brother and I as hired help. To insignificant to notice. Aside from this being insulting, it harms their parents. Both parents know they are being ignored, yet are so starved for contact with the rest of their children they will overlook bad behavior for the occasional hello. I am to the point that I truely wish they would stop all contact. I know that is uncharitable, and hurtful to my mother and father-in-law, but I am tired of the roller coaster ride .

My dad is 92 and suffers from Alzheimer's. Recently he has accused me of doing things over the years I never did and have no idea what he's talking about. It seems like he hates me now and I'm devastated. I don't know wheat her to leave him alone or tell him I love him. At which he laughs. I feel he doesn't want to see me anymore and its tearing me up.

Hello. I am currently the sole caregiver do everything. My sister thinks because i live with no rent etc she feels no obligations to help except sundays takes them to lunch. Mom constantly compains about my sis s ignorance of my dads alzhymers and moms dialysis 3 times a week. I do all appointments. Meds. Shopping. She feels its. My responsibility. I am slowly withdrawing from communication with her. I asked her for support to get help or more help from her . She totally ignorned me and acts like I never talked to her. I think its more important why she doesnt talk than the subject of help. Thanks Bob Lombardi

I sometimes feel I could scream at THEFAMILY. I,m Mam's Carer. The Family are living in denial. I wish they would get real. Your writing, advice, is interesting but when you are dealing with people who look for fault and score cheap points, we keep them at a distance. Their troublemaking is unwanted. I listen to the GPs etc. and my elderly mother.

I am from a large family, 7 brothers and 5 sisters. My mum has been in care for some time. Everything was going fine whilst i got along with my older sister indeed I still love her v much. She's married to a very controlling husband. I've never really got along with him it's been like walking on egg shells for yrs. Inevitably we have fallen out and my sister is blocking me out for her own peace with him. Fine except she and another sister have power of attorney which I agreed with as they live closer than I. This been my elder sister she is seen as the patriarch and can do no wrong. I find her very controlling these days too. Crunch is they are using my mum as a stick to beat me with, giving me no information unless I ask and when I do they give me very little. So I ring the home regular and talk to a younger brother whom also has power of attorney. He's the one that sees my mum the most and does most of the socializing with my mum. They have a good relationship. These two sisters are always undermining him making him feel as though he has no rights when it comes to my mums care. He now just lets them get on with meetings etc. My mum is possibly going in for a small op in which I agree with, the nurse at the care home does too. She has a small cancer on her face and if it's not taken out it will spread. Info given by the care home. Can I also have power of attorney and if I do will the care home have to inform me whenever there are any meetings etc then I will feel as though i actually matter when it comes to my mum. Right now I feel as though it's their mum and I have no rights. My other brothers don't bother with my mum much at all.

Recently, I quit my job to take care of my 101 y/o grandma, who lives alone in an assisted senior care residential condo. I'm 50 y/o granddaughter with 69 y/o mom. Problem: grandma is very particular about non-family, strangers caring for her, so I was the next best thing, since I have the time and heart. I'm finding it very demanding, stressful, rewarding, & restrictive at the same time. How can I extricate myself from this delicate situation? All replies welcome. Thank you!

Please!!! Somebody help me!!! My Dad is currently hospitalized,in coma. They are not entirely sure of the exact cause. had severe uti&large amount of ammonia found in system when brought in. He is an alcoholic w/chhirosis&a new wife who knew this and kept him drinking everyday. She has power of attorney&i don't know what to do! She had a DNR on him the first day. The clock is ticking..in5 days it will be 1year since losing my Mom to an accidental overdose. I am scared&all alone,no money for lawyer. Sincerely Paniced in Portland

Never ever look after a relative who has children living in another country or state! We tried to help him because he asked, and immediately ran into problems with getting him various supplies, and his kids accused us of using his money and refused to believe that his condition was getting worse and that he needed hospice. They never followed up with calls asking how things were going, and at the funeral we got slammed with hateful looks and even a sermon mentioning 'gossip' and 'strife.' Uncle complained about kids not caring about him and bragged to them about the care we were trying to give, and this just made his kids more angry. We had words with healthcare workers because he kept falling for some reason, and he claimed that they were not coming in the room to help when needed. They said ' we don't have to listen to anything you say because you are not his immediate family.' It was just a mess. Caring for someone is not enough when their family does not care for you and refuses to face reality just so they won't be put to trouble. We wish that we had never gotten involved, because of the stress it brought on our family and the emotional pain from watching someone get the wrong level of care, so please learn from this mistake. Children need to look after their own parents.

I'm concerned about myself. I've just became sick and I have had NO help from my loving family. I have money and they can ask for money all the time on a weekly or daily bases. If I say No it becomes ugly. I take myself to doctors but yet I should not drive. What do I do? Who do I turn to ? How will I be protected? I'm concerned for my future.

I am the youngest daughter there is one older sister,I have looked after my mam for 20 years,I moved out of the town we both lived in and my sister was fuming,she already said in agreeing that I had wasted my life by looking after mam and she would check on her every day,a nurse would go in and do her insulin then my sister got carers put in,I was still my mam's carer I went down every couple of days to stay with mam and was doing the number of hours agreed by law,my sister was friends with one of the carers and the head of social worker department,so every time this carer was in she text my sister and tell her everything,which I don't think was legal.my sister who I have been bullied by for years then started telling me I had to go down whenever she wanted to go away for parties,drink time and foreign holidays,I was still seeing to financial stuff for my mam as my mam has always known that my sister is bad with money and has been in court a lot over not paying back money to people,she lives the high life but is in debt up to her eyeballs she also owed my for my credit card which she spent almost £6000 on on a afiled business,I have been fighting with her for 4 years to pay it every month,my sister told everyone I dumped my mother and she was going into her everyday,she was lying,I was still doing everything for my mam and it was costing me a fortune on buses travelling everytime and I am on benefits due to an illness I was diagnosed with.My sister told the Social worker lies saying she was doing everything everyday for mam and she was working and it was too much for her,my mam was getting confused and recently decided to move up to a bungalow beside me,my sister lost the head,my mam was getting more confused so Social decided I was her appointee I never asked for this they decided for me to deal with mam's financial stuff.My mam wasn't allowed a nurse or carer here it was left to me,it is a small village and they say they didn't have the cover for her.I looked after her 24/7 she then wandered out of the house and went missing, we got police.police dogs,helicopter and a tv appeal was going out for my mam as she was very confused and 72,I had to phone my sister who came up with my cousin and she lost it with me saying she was raging at me,my mam was found face down in a school beside my and her old house 50 miles away she said she was trying to visit me at my old home,she had managed to get a bus to our old town and tried to walk to my old house,she was taken to hospital and my sister went back in her car as she lived in this town to the hospital,she had to keep phoning me as everytime she was asked a question about my mam and my mam's medication and her illness she couldn't answer the doctor as she knew nothing about my mam so I had to speak to doctor on phone as I know my mam off by heart.The following day the hospital phoned me and asked if I would like mam to be transferred to a care home 2 minutes away from me since I am close to her.I said that was perfect,They transferred her by ambulance in a matter of hours and I went to home to sit with her.Yet my sister phoned me and said the Docs told her she was getting put to a mental hospital and not allowed home again,I told her mam had already arrived in the home beside me and she was obviously lying.The Social worker I had for mam up here phoned and asked me if mam is happy in the home and since she was confirmed as having dementia and if mam was happy could she stay in the home,I said if my mam was happy then I was happy for her to be there incase she wandered from her house again and it became fatal.The Social worker then said since I had the appointee form she would meet me next week and we would do a financial assessment as the home is private,my mam has no savings she was on benefits,her benefits would then not be given to mam but cover the home,I was fine about it,she knew my sister had never really bothered with mam ad I had pleaded with my sister for years to give me a day break at least but she never.That night I was at the home with my mam and my sister phoned me quite wild saying you have no power of attorney ,you can't say what you want done with mam as social worker says mam has a mental state of mind,I knew that that is why I wanted the head doc to make decision on her staying in home and I agreed,my sister hunted down the Social worker and now she say she will be at the meeting too,why is she there ,there is no money to hand over the benefits will go straight to the home I don't get to touch it.She also said I am not allowed to touch mam's house,I told her I haven't touched it,but yet when I had the removal firm my sister sent me an email saying she would pay half and pay half the carpets like she told the rest of the family making her look good,she never gave me a penny,She never helped decorate the house I did it,she spent 5 hours in nearly 6 months visiting my mam she kept saying she was busy.My mam would be ready for my sister to come up and see her but there were a lot of times she never turned up.I bought 99 per cent of mam's stuff for her,I don't know where half the receipts are but my sister knows all she ever bought mam was a bed.now cos she is oldest she seems to think she can walk in and take what she wants even a large tv I bought my mam as she couldn't see her smaller one,it seems she has the right to do what she wants but I am the one who has done everything for mam,so where do I stand,my sister is very good at putting on a posh accent and making out she is high class,what do I do she is money greedy and will sell the lot in my mam's house,I have the keys to mam's council house and other people have told me not to let her have the keys as she never took an part in any help for mam,everyone is telling me not to let her in house, I was going to take what I bought mam and tell her to take what she bought,the bed,and the rest to be sold and split between my 2 grandkids and her one grandkid but seemingly she can do what she wants please help x

My sister lives in Australia but comes home twice a year to visit mother and father , father has been diagnosed with alzhiemers and mum is on oxygen 24 hours . When she comes I get brushed aside and told she is doing this that and she is not allowing careers to be in the home she is giving up her life in aus and coming back to do all care herself. I'm a carer that's my job I feel very frustrated that she has this air about what she want and not even talking to myself or three brothers to discuss what is best for our family . I ended up having words with her and I wish I didn't because in the heat of the argument I didn't get my point across very well and I can't contact her now because a lot of hurtful things have been said that I have built up inside me for years and years , she is also the favourite with my parents and all I have herd all my life is I'm jealous of her and this is so far from the truth . But as usual I come across as the idiot . J j m

I live on disability because I am unable to work, I am unmarried and have no children. My mother is in a nursing home. My father just had a 5 way bypass. I have an older brother and sister. They sent our father to the nursing home for rehabilitation after the bypass. When he was released they both told me he needed 24 hour care and said they wanted me to move in to his house to take care of him. I did so. A person from the medical field never told me directly the care he needed, so I decided I should find out. I was able to track down the right one to speak with and they said he was doing just fine and did not need anyone with him 24/7. Why would my siblings tell me he does when no medical professionals told them he did. I am very angry with them.

I just want help. My grandma is controlling every thing I do in my life and I'm 19..she hates that I spend time with my mother and sisters.. Alot of people tell me to leave her that I don't have to live like this any more.. I just don't know what to do anymore.. If anyone can help me that would be great...:)

I LIVE IN HOUSTON TEXAS I WANT TO NO IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO TO KEEP MY AUNT FROM KEEPING MY SICK UNCLE WHICH IS HER BROTHER FROM ME.

How to deal with siblings THANK you. :)

I am not sure we're I stand in the care of my Mother. It's only becoming clearer to me now that she fractured her femur in 2 places. My sister is in charge and has taken a VERY CONTROLLING stance that causes resentment in me. Not sure whether to back off from the start or persist and continue to be put off. What would the motive be here? Money? True concern or a 50/50 split. Tired of the stress already and only see it getting worse. Problems can become much worse with her age then what....I'm welcomed with open arms??? Seems that sis and her daughter already have plan in place but only they & maybe Mom know what it will be. Thanks Mom....I really do have more to offer than you ever gave me credit for. Hurt already and we've only just begun this stage in your life.

The suggestion to find a counselor or social worker to moderate family meetings is good unless that person is prejudiced against one of the family members-in this case, the one who lives with the parent and has been giving care- and only believes and listens and reports to the absentee brother who seems to be psychic (he visits for about 40 minutes twice a month and maybe calls our mom once in a while) he and the social worker, whom I contacted initially and he took over....and determined that our mom needs 24/7 care which annoying and unnecessary, and is also draining her financial resources at an alarming rate. My suggestions to go back to a more flexible schedule, which even if at a higher hourly rate, would still fit with in the previous budget which was covering all the expenses previous to the imposition of his idea...this ramble is releasing and i also am going to get a personal therapist and do go to a free support group for care givers of family members, thankfully not the Alzheimer's one... nor does my mom have severe medical problems....sigh....

hi there kath here I am really in need of help and advice what to do for the best , I have elderly aunt in a care home but wants to live with me , I work full time but she wants me to give that up and be her carer I love her to bits and would like to take her in with us but I am so scared of what she will be like full time with my family , please can you tell me were to go for the correct help and advice it is driving me crazy just now not knowing which way to turn ,,

MY neice is power of attoney over my mom is there any way i get the power of attoney dissolved she is letting them over drug her she was doing better at the care center then she is now i feel if i don't do something she will give up

I need help for my mom she she has been l she has been living with me for many years she was diagnosed by a doctor he was still aliv alive he was alive when I went to work in the morning holding me asking me to stay with her so I did and I got backed up on my bills finally we switch doctors he gave it to the medication and she's fine I've been working for months now with no problem she stays home alone and she's okay with it started catching up on my bill but I fell behind on rent two months and was evicted if she is not with me she's going to die of heartbreak and fear friends and family of mine are willing to write letters saying that is true she cannot separate from me she has dependent on me

Where do I start? My favorite uncle has been moved back to his home state (where i live) after years of being away. About four years ago he had a debilitating stroke. I went to AZ to be by his side in his initial recovery; I was by his side as he watched my aunt die. I was most recently by his side when I went to AZ and found him to be malnourished and maltreated. On my last visit I was providing childcare for my cousin's children in before and after school. While they were at school I went to help my uncle and his new caretaker. No one in AZ was interested in taking care of my uncle except for this caretaker. While there I worked with him on getting a power of attorney so he could take my uncle to the doctor as his caretaker. I ran out of time and left it to them to follow through, but they chose not to after i was gone. A family drama occurred while I was there. My cousin, who's kids I was caring for, was extremely angry that I was trying to help my uncle. He was angry that I would even visit my uncle because in his words I was there to she him and his kids - not take care of my uncle (his grandfather). On the night my cousin returned home his kids were then with their mother and he wanted me to party *drink with him and his buddies. I am at least 15 years older than them and have very precarious health myself. Drinking is not an option for me. My health is so serious I have been hospitalized 9 times in the past year alone. My cousin got so angry with me for not being my old self that he called me various names then left me stranded and having to find my own way to the airport that is an hour and a half away. I was so hurt by all of this that I cut off communication with my cousin. I found out a month ago my uncle was now living in an assisted living in MN. I was so excited to hear this and couldn't wait to visit - but no one would tell me where he was. After a month of searching I did find him and the first thing he said to me is 'where have you been?" He said he missed me and was wondering why I hadn't shown up to see him. It was heartbreaking. Then, another cousin of mine, who also works at the living facility, came in his room and sternly told me I needed to talk to her in the hall way. Not wanting to upset my uncle I did as she asked. She then stuck her finger in my face and told me I am not allowed to see my uncle because I am a drug addict, I am on many different meds, but no narcotics unless I am in the hospital with kidney stones or non alcoholic pancretitus. I have such precarious health that I would do nothing to make matters worse by doing stupid things. She is against me because 14 years ago she was in business with me as well as a Reverend and an accountant for a short period of time. When the accountant saw there was mismanagement of money going in during ticket sales, and when the Reverend witnessed her taking cash from guests without turning it in to accounting, well they both wanted her out. Once what she was doing was verified to me I had to support their decision and we unanimously let her go. She took it upon herself to start slandering my good name while I took the high road and said nothing. Eventually she had my brothers believing her and tried to convince my father that I took advantage of her. Once my father saw the documentation from our accountant he stood by my side. Once my dad passed away she once again was bashing me to my brothers. It got to the point she turned them against me. I kept my business to myself (and my father when he asked about it) and by doing so, my brothers thought I must have done something wrong because I didn't say anything. Finally I spoke up, but it was too late. Now, back to my uncle - to punish me she has told me I am not allowed to see my uncle. When I talked with her supervisor she told me there was no legal grounds to stop me and she would make sure my cousin knew this. Well, five hours later someone dialed the phone and put my uncle on. He told me he never wanted to see me again because I was talking about him and his family. I am the closest in relation to him blood wise and have always been his favorite niece for as long as I can remember - and I am 53 years old. My uncle was completely co-hearsed to say what he said. I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I reminded him that I am family and he and I have always had a special bond. He agreed. We began having a great conversation when all of a sudden he said he had to go and not to come see him. I started crying and he tried comforting me, then while still talking to me the phone hung up. I am so hurt. His health and my health aren't good. Those two relatives know he is the only father figure I have left. Please help me - what can I do?

My older sister (the POA) and I have been going through a push-and-pull since 2009 about the financial issues related to our parents care. Right now there is an unspoken moratorium about this as all we do is argue, argue, argue. Things are extremely strained. My husband & I are the main caregivers which is a laugh, as she has POV, and we see her once a week--if she "feels" up to it. It is a strain having to see her. Frankly, when both of our parents are gone, I will have nothing to do with her. My daughter thinks the world of her and that's fine; I have nothing to do with their relationship. I for one will cut off all ties with her. Sounds brutal but there you have it.

My mother is in serious condition in ICU-. We had a BD PARTY FOR HER 84th , everyone came except for my sister & her family, they live an hour away but haven't been to moms house but once in seven years. They are phone friends that's it. But now that mom had a cardiac event the day after her bd party, my sister has been here everyday. It's so frustrating because she knows nothing about her wishes. Why is she all of a sudden here.??????

Talking with family members as in aunts and cousins didn't seem portent to me because they never bothered around any. I'm an only child that was adopted. About 2009 I could tell that mom was starting to act different only to find now she is in stage 6 of Alzheimer's she is 90 years young. I took care or her for 6 years by myself with no offers from anyone to help. She has 3 sisters and loads of family. Yet in 2010 I met up witha man I had been engaged to at one time in my life well I wanted to go visit home in Arizona I ask all the family if they could hel no was the answer so I started looking for a person to come stay. I found one. So I packed my bags and was off to Arizona for the weekend. The relationship started all over again well this made the family mad they atlre taking revenge against me by taking guardianship away from me. They have put mom in a nursing home and now we are going thru court so I can get my mother back home I can do all that's needed the same as a nursing home. Her wishes have always been to be home to die just like my dad did. It just doesn't seem right that people would take away rights just because of a person leaving. Mom had all the care she needed and I flew back every 3 months what so wrong with what I done

I have noticed that siblings who do not help with aging parents, are the first in line to collect the inheritence. My theory is that they have the least integrity. In addition, having spoiled siblings that do not help their siblings with their aging parents, in my opinion, doubles the stress levels of the siblings that do help with their aging parents.

I also have 3 siblings who never help with our parents. 2 of them took out dad to the bank to see their will - they want to know what they get when our parents die. They also got into my bank account. Talk about greedy and selfish. Amazing . I thoroughly believe in Karma and reaping what you sow.

Everyday is a new day. You can not force your siblings to help care for your parents. Mother requires full time care. Father needs help with mother. Breath and remember we are all human and wonderful beings that the Creator of the Universe brought into this world. Treat one another with love and compassion and see how your person responds. Everyone wants to be loved and treated kindly. No matter what we must remember that we are all human beings until we take that last breath,then we rest. We will always have challenges , just remember to love kindly and breath .

I think it is the most awful thing to hear people say they think it is a problem taking care of a family member who needs help,that's what family is all about. This business of dumping them on someone else or dumping them in a home is the saddest thing. What did that parent do with you when you could not take care of yourself and believe me we made just as much work and messes when we were growing up as they do when older. I took care of my mother till she died and also a neighbor man who had no family left and had him for 7years and what cherished memories and I wouldn't change it for anything. Why can't we care for others as we would want someone to care for us.

HI MY MOM DIE 2 YEAR MY YOUNGER HAS BEEN TAKING OF MY DAD HE HAS BEEN SICK AND NEED HELP SHE HAS BEEN LIVING WITH THEM ALL HER LIVE THEY HAS BEEN FINE UNTIL MY OLDER SISTER CAM AND TOOK MY DAD TO THE DOCTOR THEN AFTER THAT TAKE HIM TO MAKE POWER OF ATTY PAPER AND DID NOT TELL ANY OF US 2 DAY LATER TOOK HIM TO LIVE WITH HIM AND HE GOT SICK SHE DID NOT TELL US AND WHEN WE FOUND OUT SHE TRY TO STOP US FRO GOING TO SEE HIM IN TH HOSTPIAL NOW SHE SAY WE CONNOT COME TO HER HOME AND SEE HIM SHE ALSO TOOK HIM TO THE BANK TAKE OUR MOM NAME OFF HIS ACCOUNTS AND ADD HER NAME ONLY AFTER THAT TRY TO GET 30.000 DALLARS OUT OF HIS BANK NOT SHE TRYING TO TAKE NY MOTHER NAME OFF LEASE OF THE HOUSE SHE IS ALSO TRYING TO SELL THE HOUSE ,SHE TRY TO CUT OFF THE LIGHT ,GAS WHICH WE R PAYING CAN YOU HELP US WHAT SHOULD WE DO MY MOM MADE A WILL ,MY FATHER SIDE THAT WHAT HE WANTED BUT MOM LOOK LIKE SHE LEFT THE HOUSE FOR ALL OF US AND SHE IS PUSHING MY DAD TO SELL IT WHAT SHOULD I DO SO TOO HIM TO ANOTHERE STATE TO LIVE WITHOUT WE KNOWING CAN ANY ONE HELP US

My father passed away in 2000. My Mother has never driven a car so I would take her to the store to buy groceries,etc. My parent owned two homes right next door to each other. My youngest sister lived in the small house for a few years but, even though she worked, she never paid my parents the rent, and she also had them help/pay some of the utilities. She didn't even mow the lawn, my father did that up until the day he died. It got so bad that the water company came and took out the water meter! Finally it came down to she had to move out and into momma's house. I had gotten a divorce 1 year earlier and lived in my Jeep for a year. So when my sister moved over to momma's I was able to move into the "little house" that's what we always called it. I put down a deposit and got the water meter back, but I lived in the house 2 months without water service because how screwed up the utilities were! I paid ALL of my bills, I mowed both lawns, they were so large it usually took me 4 hours to do both of them. I was only able to pay rent a few times so my mom n I had an agreement, I would do the yard work/pay all of my other bills/I'm a Cosmetologist, so I cut n permed her hair for over 25 years. My sister left this house in a horrible condition! I had to wear a mask to clean up all of the mouse droppings, there were ants, roaches, dog poop, broken old furniture, stacks of papers, clothes with mold growing on them, I could go on n on but I'll n just let use your imagination for the rest. I'm sorry, and I'll get to the point of my story soon. I have an older brother that lives 3 hours away, an older sister that lives an hour 1/2 away, my youngest now lives 2 minutes away, and at the present time I'm back in the little house again. I lived here 2003-2009 then moved. I came back to be near to momma. Over the course of eleven n 1/2 years, I tried to get my siblings to come help with the upkeep on momma's house. I started by asking if they could come one day out of the, then I'd ask ok how about once every 6 months, then finally once a year. So in those eleven 1/2 years not ONCE did they come n lift a finger to keep her house from falling apart. I have never remarried, I'm only 5'2" 95 pounds so there was no way I could do what needed to be done. I gave it my all and had to make lots of phone calls to men I had met, or ever I was dating at the time when I couldn't get the mower started/weed eater/etc. Blood is NOT thicker than water, I know now and have learned the hard way! So this is the point in my story I've been leading up to. My Mother wasnt sick, she never went to Dr's, she wasnt on one single prescription, she would take Motrin for her knees. So July 2012 she was unsteady on her feet and stopped going to church. My Mother had been a Sunday School teacher before I was ever born, and still was until she told her friends she was giving up her position and wouldn't be coming back. I didn't know this until after she passed away. Back to the rest of my story. I took her to Urgent Care on July 10,2012, they took her to the hospital from there. She was in the hospital the 10-13th but around 4:30 pm they released her to go home. Up until that day July 10,2012 she completely independent!!! Now, it went from that to a walker/sleeping in a lift chair 24/7 I had bought her a few years earlier/and down hill from there. Since I lived next door I was elected to care for her 24/7! On my own i figured out how many carbs/ how much sugar/how much sodium everything was on me! I was strict on her diet , did all of her exercises with her but, never pushed her, it was so hard to sit there and go through those with her n watch as she tried to raise her arm, or try to lift her leg. I bought all fresh fruit, chicken,veggies, cooked/cut/diced, I made sure she took her medicine, she could only have a certain amount of water/liquid per day so I numbered her water bottles 1-4 on each cap. In order for her to get better she needed to be weighed every morning, and she also need to walk some, like to the door, or kitchen, etc. She had to use a walker but if she became too weak there was no way I could have caught her! Finally I asked for some help for the things I couldn't do. Everyone in my family is pretty large n they could walk her, etc. Lets see, 95 pounds verses 200 plus each, "they love to eat n also drink"! I don't drink, nor do I stuff my face like they do! So, all HELL broke lose when I asked for help! They gather at momma's, my older sister said, "Im coming to town in a couple of days n were gonna resolve this"! I said we shouldn't talk in front of mom, how rude to talk about her when she sitting right there and isof sound mind ! So of course they had a meeting, and made a schedule "right their in front of mom, I wasn't notified of this meeting/schedule until they were finished. My older sister the one that said were gonna resolve this wasnt even on the schedule!!!! It was still me except for a couple of nights my younger sister would arrive at 7 pm, talk, feed her a snack that I had made earlier, then go to bed. I had to be over there at 6am till 7pm except Thursdays n Fridays it was up to me to be there 24/7 until around noon on Saturday my brother would drive 3 hours to watch mom. Here's the kicker! My brother came like he was suppose to but, he brought his daughter "who is a nurse", and stayed there till 3pm going over what to do etc. That was suppose to be my only day off. In the early hours of the morning I get a all from my brother telling me he called 911 and that she's back in the hospital! OMG for one week with me still being the main caregiver they couldn't handle it! My son hasn't spoken to me in over three years, and she made a recording on my cell phone before she died, a message just for him and she has been gone six months now and he still won't listen to it. There's so much more to my story regrading my three worthless/lazy/selfish siblings, that keep in touch/didn't invite me to Thanksgiving dinner/nor call n say happy birthday/and not one word like Merry Christmas! If anyone would like to hear the rest of my story regrading the battle of the two homes, and me ALONE cleaning/clearing out our family home of 50 years, and also they have told me if there is any money/Ins/Stocks they are splitting it between the 3 of them! So far my life since my mom got sick and passed has been HELL on earth! It's still far from over.

I am looking for someone who has delt or can recommend someplace that would be helpful for information or advice regarding my 86 year old mother. My 51 year old brother is her primary caregive and her checking account with him is in the negative. When my mother asked me to open up an account because he keeps asking her to take cash advances out, she did because she said she was "weak" and did not want to feel the rath of his violent temper and constant violent temper, telling her what a bad mother she is, and he does not take responsibility for him self.. He receives IHSS and my mothers SS check is very little and after rent and utilites are paid there is very little left. I've helped her with money, purchased her RX, her glasses for the near blind, shoes, hearing aid batteries the list goes on... There was a call put in for Adult Protective Services but my mother denied any wrong doing...She has told me she does not want to say what he does to her for fear he will have his strike 3 and be back in prison for life..... What he is doing to her is very wrong but my hands are tied and I do not know what else to do. Thank you

It was validating to me. I have been asking my sisters to have "family meetings" for over 2 years and we have not had even one! The closest thing we had to a family meeting was when I asked my cousin to come and tell my sisters what his family did when they decided my aunt could no longer live alone in her own home. It seems that I was the only one not "in denial" that my mother was suffering from dementia (Alzheimers). I admit I was trying too hard to get them to realize "the truth" when they were not ready. They felt I was speaking "down" to them, speaking harshly and they didn't like my "tone" of voice. However, they in retrobution told me off, embarassed me in front of my mother's doctor and still snub me and find fault with anything I do after 2 years!! I live the furthest from my mom and her doctors, however, I have been driving 500 miles roundtrip to get her to her appointments once a month and still get no credit. In fact when I ask for $100 for gas reimbursement, they feel I am robbing money from my mom's bank account. It seems that there ARE family meetings which I am not invited to. I feel like I am being punished for being the bearer of bad news which they all know was "the truth" which they did not want to know.

Ties in closely with what is happening in my family in caring for my mother.

My grandmother was sent home (two years ago this coming feb) to die.... but she pulled through.... my aunts wanted to place her in a 'facility' then, but my mom and siblings insisted we bring her home.... for 1 1/2 years, we have worked together and with a paid sitter (from my grandmother's funds) kept her at home... Lots of hostility from aunts and actions that are illegal (use of falsified documents) have caused huge problems. This past August, while my mom was at work and my sisters and I were at hospital with my dad, the aunts removed my grandmother from her home (telling her they were taking her for a milkshake) and placed her in the facility. My mom obtained a lawyer and is trying to get my grandmother brought home... An outside conservetor has been assigned, but court continues to be 'postponed'.... and it is Christmas.... my grandmother spent this past thanksgiving in this facility.... after spending over 70 years in her home.... she spent it in a 'foreign' place.... and now, it seems that court will be put off until after Christmas.... It seems my grandmother nor my mom has ANY rights... It is heartbreaking and so incredibly unfair!

Hi there, I want to share the experience I have about caring for the elderly in ones family. Being a Saudi it is never an issue to take care of your parents, as sons and daughters consider it as a reward to be the one taking care of the parents.

I have a problem I have been retrained form mom becouse I yeall at her I may have to raise my voce be couse she is hard of hearing even got her a phone to help her all becouse I don't see to her need she need more care she can hardly walk and yes she has demicha

HAVE TO WONDER WHO WILL END UP WITH MY MOTHER NO ONE RESPECTS HER ANYMORE AFTER SHE TRIED TO KILL MY SISTER THAT WAS STAYING WITH HER WHO HAD TERMINAL CANCER (LOST THE POOR GIRL AUGUST 6TH) MOTHER NEVER BOTHERED TO CALL AND SEE HOW SHE WAS OR ANYTHING, AFTER SHE PAST WE ASKED IF SHE COULD HELP US WITH A LITTLE TO HAVE HER CREMATED SHE SAID SHE HAD BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH HER MONEY AND COULDN'T HELP WE ENDED UP GETTING SOCIAL SERVICES TO PAY FOR IT HOW SAD IS THAT????

And when all of these are no longer options, what do you do? When you have moved in to take care of the individual, they are un-cooperative, verbally abusive, will not allow any form of help, and runs you into the ground, then threatens you when they know may dicuss things with the other siblings or professionals. or when they tell the other siblings lies about what you are or are not doing?

my little brat of a sister is taking up all of the space that was for the kids at my home and now im like the little servant bitch who is called every damn 2 seconds for doing something that you can do without yelling all the way across the house just for me to walk into your room and your laying down and you tell me to get your remote when its laying by your feet. all this bullshit mt family of masters make me do is not what i was born for. im the little caddy my daddy calls to carry his hundred pound golf clubs and im only ten years old and im turning eleven in august. i want to be appreciated and thanked for all my hard work every day but no its'' now that youve finished the dishes go clean your sisters room.'' and i say '' no thatnk you india for what youve been doing '' and just for saying that i get a beating. what i think is that my parents need to get a beating so they know what is feels like to have there knukles being punched and there legs to be swollen and red from getting hit by a hard ass switch. i want my life to change and i dont want to get beat for some thing i said. my parents dont even trust me. is this what it feels like to be adopted and not even know who your family is well i really donnt agree with this and i think this little major dream will go away but its not a dream its real life and i just have to be a no limit soldier. all those kids who are on this website know that your not alone and your never alone. god bless america and every one in the world. god is still able. so smile ; )

My fiance, is dying from stage 4 cancer. The problem. His sister, removed him from the hospital to her house. I have been all but excluded from his life. Today, I was given five minutes to see him? His sister, told me that my finance, is her only brother and she is not sharing him with anyone! He is kept drugged and never know when I am visiting him. I want to marry him and remove him from her house. Which is a house similar to grand central station. People coming and going. loud and unconcerned about my finance. His hospital bed is in the living room? I am so frustrated! I have the marriage license. I need an ordained minister to marry us. The problem. She would never permit me in her house to marry her brother. How do I get around this, he doesn't have much time. i love4 him so much. I want him to know he was married should he go and that he is not alone.

I am the youngest of three sisters and one half sister. I live four houses away from my mother and father. My one sister lives in New York and the other Miami. I live in middle of Florida with my husband and daughter. It has been years that problems have been going on and I try to involve my sisters over the phone and many times they are too busy to listen or have things going on or just by listenening to what my mother tells them. My father was nearly dead by over medications given to him from my mother. Back in 2010 he was put in hospice to die. He begged me to help him and to get him out of there that he did not want to die. One week later he was put to a rehabilitation hospital. I looked at all the medications that my mother had given him and the total was about 20 pills. She would take the pills he was getting from the VA clinic and give him those and then the family doctors she would get at CVS and another doctors at Walmart pharmacy. None were showing up redline warning since they were purchased at different pharmacy locations. My father first reason for taking the medications was because he was operating a cutting machine which he dropped and lost his big toe. He should of never had been using such a thing. My mother was out shopping that day. After that it was all down hill. My mother was in control of the meds. When I saw my father slowing becoming sick and needed pampers I knew something was wrong. Called both of my sisters and told them what is going on. They both said he is getting dementia. I told them about the medications and how he was sleeping almost 20 hours a day and still nothing but I just had to understand he is dying. Now, 2012 and Dad was only in hospice one week and he didnot die. Thank God. But he was one year in rehabilitation and was using a walker and was told I was not allowed to take him out to eat when I visited due to a power of attorney from my mother. I would visit him at least three times a week and my husband everyday on lunch break since he worked close by. My mother would come maybe twice a month. Now this January 2012 he is now in a assisted living with the help of the VA and other services. Not using a walker anymore. I am so happy to say that I take my father to the gym three times a week and out to eat and he has sleep overs with me and my family. I am even going to take him to Disney World as soon as this Heat Wave leaves us. But now I have another problem. I went on vacation in April and my mother took him out of the assisted living for a few days. When I got back I was told from the young lady at the assisted living that he had a big black and blue on his hip she saw as he was showering himself. I brought him home and asked him what had happened and he told me that he had falling off the bed that is about three mattress high. I then told him to show me his bruise and OMG it was about one foot long. I had to take a picture of it. I asked him if Mom gave him ice for it and he said no. I really don't thing my mom cares for my dad anymore since she already said that she is going to live her life now and she has been shopping and getting teeth work done and new furniture for her house and eye lift. I feel really sorry for my dad and she told my sisters that my dad wets the bed and sleeps all day long. He never wet the bed in my home nor at assisted living center. I wish my sisters would all get together and listen to everything and see for themselves what is going on. This is not going to resolve by just one visit or taking sides of my mother since she is the mom. She has told all three daughters things that my father have done to her in the past and wants us to feel sorry for her. My father has never laid a hand on her. I don't understand the hatred she has. She talks about how crazy my bi-bolar sister is and how he husband is such a asshole and she is sick and self centered and cheap. Then the one sister that spends the most on her and trys to help her out and feels sorry for her. She tells me that she is an acholic with her own problems in her marraige and doesn't want to realize it. Just looks the other way. I live here and have to listen to this Bull all the time and stick up for my sisters and now my mother gets very upset with me. Now, I am the crap on the stick. She recently went to the assisted living and told them that she had power of attorney and didn't want me to pick dad up or take him out to eat ever again. ??????? WTH!!!!! I don't understand if I am helping and taking him to the VA appointments that she says she can't take him that she has her own appointments to go to. Or his eye doctor or hair cut. So now I take him everywhere after talking to the VA and they told me what to do. Now I have Power of Attorney this way she can't move him out of the assisted living. Which she said he is better next year in Orlando's VA and they have a bed for him. WHAT I WILL NEVER SEE HIM. I just call my busy sisters and they think I need a doctor. Well guess what, I went to the doctor and he told me that get the family together and discuss this with or without mom and dad. Then again with both since my dad understands what is going on now. That too much of the burden is on my lap and my sisters have a wonderful life with just phone calls to worry about. They don't see the five days a week I have pop over and take him out to eat and to the gym and haircuts because my mom gives him these hair cuts just to save money. She buys his clothes at good will and the funiture is from Craigslist that is in assisted living. What is she doing with all his money. She lies to my sisters saying I took $1000.00 out of the bank. When I didn't. Lies to a lawyer about me. I know my mother is sick and needs mental health. I really get upset when I tell my sisters and they take her side and tell me I need the help and to mind my business. Just now she called my husband and told him she doesn't feel well and my father is over there right now. Karma comes back in ways and I tell that to everyone. I know what I am doing is the best for my father. On Easter I wanted to take him out to eat since my mother hurt her knee and I asked her for some money just for my father to have lobster at Red Lobster. She said she wasn't made of money and by him a slice of pizza. I went to an Mrs. Mango's and brought liver cleanser and bee pollen and all other natural stuff to flush out all the toxic my dad had accumulated in years of over medications. Now my dad is a new man. I thank God for that guidance. It really help him. Mrs. Mango's and Company is online and she has been there over 27 years. She is the best thing that has happened to me and my family. Beside the good Lord Guiding me to all the things I need. I would do the same for my mother but she is my enemy now and making everyone else against me. I pray to God to be my guide and that he shows me the proper path to take. If anyone can help me please tell me what I should do. God Bless. I want to thank my doctor about this site so I can let out some of my stress.

Oh Lord, I have handled this badly but so has my family. I have lived near my parents my entire adult life. I have 3 siblings who all live out of state! My mother has Alzheimer's. When my father passed away, they left and didn't even offer to do anything to help me! I have changed jobs, have loss of income! I've give up all my free time and lost out on time with my own family! So I got angry and lashed out in a very bad way! I know this was wrong but have apologized but I am still seen as the bad guy! Even though my mother is now living with me!! My family does nit admit to any responsibility to our mother and act like I'm crazy for expecting them to help! I've just gave up and now I my exhausted and frustrated!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry after reading these comments. I'm an only child who's been tasked to be my mother's caregiver for the past seven years. For two years before that, I helped her out with various things but wasn't a serious "caregiver" per se, and for three years prior to that I helped Mom be a caregiver to my terminally ill father (who died almost nine years ago). Here's the thing -- I'm in my early thirties and while all this was going on, I was in college, finally graduated after Dad passed away, started up my career, and have been trying to balance that and caregiving since my mid twenties. I am seriously burned out and have gained so much weight because the only thing I can do for respite is indulge myself with comfort food. I don't get to do anything for myself except for once in a very great while -- usually it's visiting my favorite art museum, though a month ago I did manage to also go to the movies to watch The Artist, a film my mother wouldn't have liked but which I adored. (I tend to love more indie/offbeat fare and documentaries and Mom likes what would be called "Hollywood chick flicks".) I would give anything for one of Mom's friends to pick her up for the afternoon so they could do stuff together and I could just laze about at home, but of all Mom's friends, one of them is a useless nutcase, one of them is wholly unreliable and selfish with her time, one of them is a grandmother who's busy taking care of her many grandchildren, and the last one is extremely reliable but has terrible hip problems that she's only just now taking care of. I don't know anyone who could step in to help out and was thinking of how lovely it would've been had I had any siblings to help me out, but I see now that I probably would've been stuck in this same position even had I had siblings, except I would've resented my station in life even more than I already do. And I really, really do right now. Because of my life situation, I haven't gone on vacation since months before 9/11, haven't had my eyebrows shaped in almost three years, haven't had a completely lazy day since my last summer vacation day during HS, and am completely out of energy. I would love for their to be a charity out there that is staffed by volunteers (who have been fully vetted -- background checks and everything) that you can call up to request that they come over and be a caregiver for a day. They could take your parent out for a day (after you give them some spending money) or you could open your house to them while you step out for the day. I would love to have a day where I can have a light breakfast at home, hike at my favorite nature trail/park during the morning, eat out for lunch, hang out at my favorite bookstore during the afternoon, come home, take a nap, and fix dinner. Just one day.... That would be the best. *sigh*

My mother has alzheimers. She is very healthy otherwise. She is very happy. I have her in a day care facility 6 days a week which is very good for her. I take care of her every evening and get her into bed every night. She has care givers, or myself, in the home for most of her waking hours when she is not in day care. Her spouse insists on placing her in a care facility even though he is not providing any care giving, and the cost of keeping her in the home is equal to or less than that of placing her in a caregiving facility. Her spouse will not allow anyone to stay overnight in the home even though he will not check on her during the night. There is enough money to have a caregiver spend the night. Her spouse is adament that he wants to put her in a home.

I am caregiver for my husband second marriage it isnt easy . His children either don't care and haven't years One daughter who he was seeing often is now very mad at her dad for giving his step children some money. He has given to his own children for years, His step children are there for us when ever we need them. My youngest daughter will help on week ends has to travel to get here. but his own children have not even offered to help so *I can go visit my own children. What a mess what can I do?

My 4 brothers,3 of which live locally, will not take any responsibiliy for our 89 year old Mom who is showing signs of dimentia and have turned their backs on me and her. Has anyone ever looked into seeking legal action.

Hello 'mmmmm', Thank you for sharing your caregiving challenges. I'm sorry you are feeling so tired. Caring.com has a few resources that may be helpful in your quest for additional support with your loved one: 1.)Contact your local Area Agency on Aging to find Alzheimer's and Dementia support groups and organizations in your area. You may search for local resources in the Caring.com Senior Living Directory: http://www.caring.com/local/area-agency-on-aging 2.) If you haven't done so already, consider hiring in-home care so you can have respite once in a while: www.caring.com/local/in-home-care 3.) Caring.com's Caregiver Wellness Solution Center is also a great place to find resources to take care of yourself: http://www.caring.com/caregiver-wellness 4.) You may also search for keywords and caregiver related questions/topics in the Caring.com database at http://www.caring.com/search I hope this information is helpful to you. Don't hesitate to contact us if we may help you find other resources. Kind regards, -Sho from the Caring.com Community Team

Hi. I'm the caregiver in this situation. I love my mother to death but I'm tired. I have two siblings and one has no communication with my mother at all since staying here because of a fight my husband and brother had. It really breaks my heart. My sister says she has her own life. Getting ready to work, working out, ect. I would love to do those things too but I guess I just can't right now. I would do anything for my mother but I feel like I'm going down with her as well. I have become a 24 hour nurse. I have no life anymore. My life is just making sure my mother is fine. I have a wonderful husband who supports me but is affraid for my health. I try to talk to family about this situation but every one just gives me the answer of just pray. I believe in God and I know that this will not go on forever. I'm just tired.

Our disagreements are one of us wants to rush to take care and the other wants to let them have the independence to figure things out for themselves. Driving we agree on. What clothes should be what is chosen by the one who has our company.

Understanding why my sister is angry and needs help with our mom after 12 years of her care giving she never says anybody has help I did even caring for husband who is very sick even now

Seems I mispelled I meant spinalcord injury husband

I have had my mom every other month, for nine months and it is the right thing to do, my oldest sister needs time to she has had her for 12 years but I feel like she is punishing me I work like her over 40 standing and take care of soinalcird injury husband I know what its like been giving care to him for almodt 16 years seems he is getting worse, it makes me cry because mom got up hurting in her chest one morning and here he was hurting in his chest also I thought I was going to go nuts it is hard but my sister thinks her life is so bad I feel bad because I dont see it, she has dumped her off on seversl people in the past and when they move or whats isnt working for her she is now doing this month to month but e have 3 other sisters for what ever reasons she want even consider them helping like they ste not good enough, im very exhsusted and tired she says me to, its better for my mom becsuse she has not let my mom do anything and constantly fussing about things she has in her room and mom even givrs her 250.00 a month just to help her I do know this best b I really have alot on my plate . But I dont thing she cares she says she has always had to deal with her no matter what was going on in her lige and everbody has to take care of there mother, mom cried the first month and told me how she wa toward her and I had seen it some myself so I undertand she neds help mom is only 68 she treats her like shre cant do anything

I am the middle of five children. Our father passed away 20 years ago. My older sister has a disability and has her hands full taking care of herself and sometimes needs some assistance from our family. My older brother and I were finally successfully in moving our 82 year old, diabetic, vision impaired mother across the country to be closer to all of us children and grandchildren. We were not helped by the younger brother and sister. Indeed, they were as unhelpful as possible to the point of influencing our mother to stay where she was in a very lonely, unhealthy situation. My older brother and I prevailed; he took charge of the move-out operation and I took charge of her move-in situation. After staying 2 months with me, Mom has now been successfully moved into a beautiful private home with all of her things 2 1/2 miles from my home in a gated retirement community with many amenities. My older brother and I spent 4 months prioritizing this move and resettlement of our Mom. Our younger two siblings (brother and sister) are now in the embarrassing position of seeing our Mom situated in a very ideal living arrangement with all her daily needs and medical services taken care of. All takes that neither of them helped with. I am sure they hoped my older brother and I would fail and now that we have not only succeeded, but succeeded beautifully the younger two have tried to catch up by taking charge of a couple of I significant details, performed them incredibly inefficiently and trying to get super mileage out of their pitifully small effort. I did ask my younger brother to meet our mother for a medical procedure since I was sick and he responded with he couldn't just drop everything and go be with her. Mind you, I have dropped everything a lot over the past several months and so has my older brother, but this seems to be an unreasonable demand on my younger brother's time. I said I did think it was as possible for him to be there for our Mom as any of us even if it meant he had to drop everything and now my younger brother has taken this as his cue to react very stormily, saying bullying things to me. This is the second time he has tried to bait me into a divide so that he feels he has some justification to continue sidestepping his share of the responsibility for helping out with our mother. He has been super effusive in his "thanks" for all our older brother and I have done for Mom, like he had delegated that whole deal to us and we somehow managed to pull off the near impossible assignment with glowing results. He simply is too busy to help with anything himself. (He's currently unemployed and finds the time and resources to help out ministries of his choosing at his church; he just can't seem to do the same for our mother or to support the two of us who are getting the job done for her.) My younger sister is busy making vacation plans without a single thought to perhaps include our Mom for some of the close locales. I spend days/weeks/months 24/7 with my mother and find her company to be delightful as she is a very undemanding person. I spend the most time with her and help her sort through her paperwork, unpacking, etc. My older brother spends the next amount of time with her and calls her almost daily, even though he is the only one of us who lives in a different state. He calls me regularly to ask me what he can help with and anything I ask him to help with he does, quickly and gladly. And he travels here to help if it's necessary. Thank God for him, because the others are going to be worthless in this process of our Mom aging. My older brother and I are in agreement; our mother's assets are for her benefit. No one is to ask her for anything for themselves. There is no inheritance until someone dies and she is still very much alive. If managed properly she should be able to provide for herself for a long time. If there is anything left over when she goes, her will stipulates that the remaining estate will be split evenly 5 ways. If she runs out of assets and needs continued care, then the five of us are to share in that burden equally. Guess who I predict will be the first in line if there are assets left, and who I predict will not be answering any calls, texts, emails, letters, you name it, if our mother needs our financial help. Or anything else. I hope my older brother and I can keep up our mission of taking care of our mother. Ironically, he and I have both experienced cancer treatments. My younger brother and sister are already not in my good graces and we have barely begun this journey with our mother. They say and do the most immature, offensive things that do not help our mother at all. They don't seem to get it that this is about our mother, not any one of the five of us. I'm disappointed in my younger siblings and I doubt that will ever change now, other than to get worse as time goes on. I have a lot of admiration for my older brother. He is as he always was; dependable, giving and sensible. At least Mom and I have him and each other. Phooey on the younger two. They can pick all the fights they want. I know it's only a ploy to make them feel like they are justified in turning their backs and running away from a very important shared mission. They are not needed because they very much do not want to be any kind of caretaker for their elderly mother. I've heard plenty about the children in the family who take this cowardly role and try to assuage their guilt by projecting any kind of blame they can conjure up and heap it on their siblings who shoulder the burdens of elder care.

It seems to be a gender thing - that somehow females are supposed to look after family, but males do not. I get complained to all the time about what needs to be done, but when the males in my family come around, all is wonderful. They tell them that they don't need anything (of course not - I've already done everything!) The other day, I just put my foot down and refused to do an errand. I said 'either get them to do it, or it won't get done.' Needless to say, parents did not like it one bit. I hate to have to be so aggressive and always feel that I can't let my guard down around my own family without getting taken advantage of. I think it also impacts the way I feel about other people, because I fear getting close to people, afraid that I will get overwhelmed with their problems.

We (my wife and I) get to see both sides of this. My mom will never ask my brother or I for any help, even when we volunteer, her response is "don't worry your sister will do it." On the other hand, my wife has to do everything for her dad. He has a son, but he knows that the son is completely unreliable (unless, of course it is for a free dinner out or trip to Hawaii.) He recently cost us about $19,000 because he "forgot" to sell a stock out of our LLC. My wife spends hours each week, doing "stuff " for her dad. Her dad constantly wants to have "meetings' which alway drag on until the evening so she has to go to dinner with him, when we take him home (thank god he is not driving) he always insists that we come-in because he has something he "has" to show us. That typically adds 45 minutes to every dinner.

Hello Anonymous, Thank you very much for your question, if you'd like you can post it in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). I hope that helps! Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

What if your parents will not call on the other children because they don't want to 'bother' them? It's ok for me to do everything, but they don't want to inconvenience the other kids. In addition, I am also looking after a relative whose own kids don't want to bother.

I have continue to care for my mom for 28 months now, and love being with her.....My family gives me little support, none to say the least. Yes, I took this responsibility on. I have been a cna and ma, and truly seen what goes on in facility. I have seen one client who swears it the best in the world, and in the same facilityI have seen neglect. So I do not have a lot of faith in facilitie care. My family give me no support, not even a pat on the back.

I'm the sibling who lives four hours away from elderly parents. My only sibling, my sister live in the same town that my parents do. So she's it. The difference between our situation and what has been posted here is that our mother is in an assisted living facility and our father is in an Alzheimer's/Dementia facility. So no family member is burdened by daily caregiving. Here's our problem - our father had a stroke in 2005 that left him completely blind. He handles it very well. My sister feels bad for him because most of the activities at these kinds of facilities are for people who can see. Our mother, whose facility is next door to Dad's, goes to see him every morning. My sister decided that she would go see him every afternoon to help break up his days. I warned her when she started this routine that he would eventually expect it and she would burn out if she didn't take a couple of days off or change the time in order to have her own life. She has continued this routine now for 2 years and is angry because she needs a break. I have told her all along that she needs to give herself permission to change her routine because she's burning out. She wants a break from that afternoon visit and wants me to "fill in" for her while she goes on vacation. I think that routine is will just perpetuate the whole problem. I told her that Dad understands that she needs a vacation and would be the first to tell her to go. He will still see Mom every day. He'll miss my sister's visits and will look forward to them again. I told her it would be a good time to start changing the frequency when she gets back. She won't go unless I come up to relieve her. It's not necessary in my eyes but it is in hers. She's given me the cold shoulder for 2 months now. I asked her what's wrong and she went off on me, bringing up things from 2009 that she's still mad about and told me I'm no sister to her at all. She does have a personality disorder. If you disagree with her, you had better watch out. Nothing you can do or say is good enough, often enough, etc. She's a perfectionist and everything is black and white. She's controlling and is trying to bully me into something I don't want to do. I come see my parents about once every 4-6 weeks depending on my business. I stay for 3 days each time. I take Mom out to dinner and run errands for her, go see my Dad and bring him treats. I also call both of them daily when I'm not there have done that since 2005. I like to let them know what's going on with my family and they like the updates. It also gives me a reading as to how they are doing. My sister has created a situation for herself and has painted herself into her own corner. I come when it's convenient for me and my business. She says that I'm selfish and use my work as an excuse. She's retired. She wants me to move back up where our parents live so she can have a break. My living up there wouldn't change anything except she would try to control me more, pressure me with more guilt, etc. She wanted me to pay their bills and do their banking. I told her I'd be happy to do it but I'd be setting everything up online. Unfortunately there are no branches of their banks where I live. Their bank told my sister it would be better if she did their banking since she lives where they do. She's mad about that. But my parents SS checks are auto deposited, they have two rental properties and get 2 rent checks that have to be deposited. Their bills are their rent to each of their care facilities, Mom's phone and the hoa monthly dues for one of their rentals. They own these properties outright so there is no mortgage. The property taxes are also due twice a year for each property as well. I do their income taxes. So you can see it's a bad situation. My sister told me that she's done with me. I'm no sister at all to her. I felt like I'd been shot in the stomach when I got that email. But now that a couple of days have past, I'm just sad for her. She's about to explode but there is no reason it has to be this way. If I cave into to her demands, she's going to feel she can continue to harass me in whatever manner it takes to have her way. I'd like some feedback. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to make sure you know that this is another kind of problem families can get into, even if they aren't the daily caregivers. Our relationship is now damaged. From my point of view the things she said in writing go beyond repair unless she could appologize, which she has never in her life. I'm sure that her point of view is that I am the one who has caused her to be overwhelmed and made her angry, so it's my fault. If I would have done what she wanted me to do, then she wouldn't have gotten mad or said the things she did. It's just sad.

Hello 42neb, Thank you for your comment. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

My heart goes out to everyone who are caretakers with no help. And what about the single adult child with no spouse for support? But I am one of those dead beat out of state siblings that does not help. When my mom and dad moved to FL from WI all was ok. Mom died and my dad did not want to leave FL. My 1 sister lives in LA and has a special needs child and cannot help. My other sister lives in WI. When dad finally said OK i'll move home I suggested he move to SC where I live. I found an apartment for him and tryed to convince him and my sisters that it would be OK. My LA sister thought it would be good because the weather is better in south carolina than wisconsin. No. My sister in WI and my dad wanted him to move back north. I moved him to Wisconsin! My sister and her family were too busy. I worked for a fortune 500 and had the vacation and funds to do that. But since that time my life has blown up. i have been laid off 3 times and now I am self employed, and have a part time job. I work from 12 to 15 hours a day[part time, job search and consulting/sales]. I also got divorced [not my choice] and my x-wife left me with all of the debt and a house that is upside down and falling apart. Over the years i made a point to go to WI at least twice a year to see dad. But now when i do i use $'s tagged for bills so I am cronically delinquent. My dad has gotten progressively worse over the years and has been very ill. He went into a nursing home but may get better but if he does he will not be able to live alone. I spent almost a month up there and lost a few customers. in this economy i cant aford to carry those kinds of losses. my sister in WI has all the control. She is on all of dad's accounts and has made sure that she has all of the POA and rights to make decisions without my sister and I. This is OK by both sis and I because dad is closest to my other sister in WI. I do not care about that. But what upsets me is that my sister has a real good way of making me feel very guilty because i cant help. She does not do this to our other sister in LA. Its like I am being punished because I made some poor choices [in a wife] and am now single so I can do what I want.....I cant help financially and I cant afford to spend weeks on end away from my jobs. One of the debts my wife left me with is with the irs - she has a home decorating business and as a result of an audit they considered her business a hobby. I have to make those payments because i'm the only one left wit hte house. I have no equity in anything due to these debts so financially i could not generate any extra money. i have no health insurance and i have a 20K bill from when i fell last year and was hospitalized. I should have another surgery on my back, and knee but with no insurance i just do not go to the doctor. I am in constant pain and sometimes I have a hard time getting up from a chair and I have to take stairs one at a time. yesterday i was driving home from a job and i got pain in my chest - like nothing i've ever had before - it scared me. i'm over weight and my blood presher is always 180 over 100+, 193 over 105 etc. again since i have no insurance i do not take blood preasure meds. my sisters have no idea how bad my financial situation is nor how my health is. since my divorce i have been in church counseling yet there are times that i feel so suicidal - its over whelming. but when my sister calls to remind me how stressed she is and how bad things are that she is having to deal with everything that dad's illness and pending nursing home costs etc.cause, i just listen. She acts as if i have no clue what she is going through. But i do. I have told her that i am greatful that she is there, i pray for her, i've asked my mens bible study to pray for dad and my sister. I've even told her that i am sorry that she is having to deal with this. But what can i do in SC? i offered to come up in a month for a week to give her a break. i know its not enough but i will also not pay certain bills in order to be able to pay for the trip, and pray that my truck with 150k miles on it makes it [no truck = no car = no way to work on customer's jobs]. i might also add that my sister has never worked, she went to college, got married and had a family. Her husband had a very successful business which they sold. They are also well off and their house is paid for. They have investments, retirement accounts, long term care insurance, trusts etc. All of her children are degreed professionals. I do not even have any children that i could turn to when i am older or sick. i will be 57 and i am scared to death of not being able to continue to work and earn money - i'm scare to death of being homeless. my sister in la has a great support group and she understands why i cant leave and help in WI. My sister in LA tells me that our sister in WI has always wanted to be in control and now that she has it it is all our fault. When I fell I broke my leg. No one even offered to come to SC to help me. I did not expect it. I knew that both my sisters had obligations LA=Billy and WI=Dad. How can i get my sister to understand that i am very upset that i am in the financial and physical condition i am in; that i am down here, unable to drop every thing to go and help her, and especialy upset that I do not have the resources to help or even pay for the costs that are mounting and will continue to mount because dad has no assets. My biggest fear is that my dad's soc. sec. and pension will not be enough to pay the nursing home and my sister will "crack" and the home will put him out on the street. If that happens I will drive up there, pick him up, get some help to get him in the truck and drive him down to SC and then I will somehow get power of attorney and get my sister off his accounts to pay for someone to be here while I am working. Anyone have any suggestions or insight? Sorry this is so long.

I think people are pretty selfish when is comes to end of life considerations. I include people who are doing care-giving and those who are not. A lot of times people who are caretaking are more worried about what they are getting out of doing so. I know of two situations in my family and my husband's where someone literally only took responsibility for an elderly parent's care if they could have more inheritance than any other sibling(s). Then there have been the situations where estranged adult children are expected to come running after years of abuse and take care of now sick elderly parents because nobody else wants to do it. And don't get me started on how soon the will and estate bickering begins even when a parent (or parents) are years from their demise. I think we could all maybe be a little less awful when it comes to our families and things would go much better.

Intuitively the answer to this question would seem to be no. But I don't really think that is always the case and wonder if this question should be explored more carefully: Does the burden or financial obligations of the government cumulatively get reduced when a senior spouse divorces a seriously ill Alzheimer spouse? My guess is than in many situations the answer is no the states obiligations may increase. But if this question was looked at across a larger number of people who chose to divorce their Alzheimer's spouse is there an analysis which would support the math that the governments financial obligation becomes less?

I have read many of these comments and can certainly empathize with many of the responders. Although mediation is a great idea as is the idea of group meetings, conference calls and efforts to reconcile difficult relationships, I think at some point (at this will vary from person to person) you as the caregiver have to say "enough." I have two siblings who think I have it made because I have "free" room and board as the caregiver to my father with AD and a special needs brother. They contribute NOTHING. For many of the offered suggestions to work (i.e. mediation,etc.) each person has to be willing to acknowledge there is a problem, something my siblings can't or won't do. So I choose to take one day at a time and am thankful for each and every day I have with my guys. I will certainly have my hands full when there is an estate to settle, but for now I choose to focus on the positive and ignore the rest. Good luck to each and every one of us who are in this difficult situation.

Boy, my family and I could have used this the other day. Although, we have used a mediator recently and I also hired a Geriatric Care Manager last year, things continue to go downhill for me and my three siblings. Sometimes situations are so complicated that it seems as if nothing will help our situation. But all of this is excellent information! Thanks :)

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Having formal meetings (or even conference calls) carry too much baggage, everyone there comes with expectations of what will be "resolved" today. If you are more informal i.e. an email after taking your mom/dad to the doctor or even just a quick visit to mom/dad, everyone feels they are more in the loop, and you may spot trends earlier if more than one person is sharing the caregiving. For example, mom/dad missed taking their medicine on the day you visit (could be a one time thing) but if someone else stops by 3 days later and mom/dad have skipped meds again, then you have a trend.

April, 2008 my brother stole my mother who was diagnosed with Alzhemer's since 2005. I asked him for a break and he contacted attorney and he and my sister who lives out of the country refused to return her to me at the designated date. After very expensive attorney fees which her estate paid, I paid my own leaving me without any savings she was returned Christmas 2008. I had to sign a trust which said she would sell her beloved home and 12 acres of land if it could be sold. Luckily the market is horrible and it does not sell. It needs a new roof and repairs. I signed the trust under duress to have her returned. She wept as I pulled away but came back with joy. Now 2011 I am given a part of her income with the remaining being left in the trust where he is listed. He does not visit or call and I am the only caregiver. I cannot work. Money is tight and I am tired of being taken advantage of them.Any ideas?

I am 1 of 4 adult siblings who was faced with estrangement issues of 2 siblings when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. I am the only "local" child and in fact, moved from 3,000 miles away to take care of my mother. For 7 years my elder sister and I did everything and my 2 younger siblings did nothing to help us. When my mother became critically ill and almost passed away, all of a sudden the 2 estranged siblings began interfeence demanding to be part of the decision making process and it was very traumatic. I felt deeply betrayed and hurt and in fact, "resigned" as my mother's caretaker because it was killing me. So, I urge all siblings to work out their issues regarding their parents' end of life wishes while the parent is healthy and able to make sound decisions. It may be uncomfortable but it's not as bad as full out family warfare when your parent is on her deathbed. By the way, she did not die, but my eldest sister was able to make several accommodations that freed me from my difficult burden. I still visit my mother, but I am no longer her "caretaker". She is in a fine facility and I had to "let go". The social worker told me I am grieving and to allow myself to go through the process. I am now able to concentrate on my own health and well being which was failing. Because of that, I can now love my mother without resentment towards my siblings. It is IMPERATIVE that these issues be worked on in families BEFORE the onset of severe illness. My mother had no plans and therefore, when she became ill, the door was open to 4 interpretations of how to care for her based on each child's relationship with her and their financial condition. And yes, what saved us was the Power of Attorney which my eldest sister had the foresight to obtain while my mother was still lucid. In fact, that was the only thing that saved this family from disintegrating at that awful time.

Really affirming and informative on what's needed and helpful for success in caregiving. Family issues have been a struggle for us - better now as we're nearing the end of our caregiving for my mom, who is nearly 93 and has Alzheimer's. I'm grateful for the sound advice you gave. I encourage both primary caregivers and siblings caring from afar to take this excellent advice under serious consideration. If families are not supportive in giving what the caregiver needs, it can still be found. The amazing support and encouragement my husband and I received came from a community resource for caregivers, from local programs, our church, and from wonderful friends, including those who are or have been in caregiving situations. We also paid for counseling to help us understand what was missing in our family connections, which helped each of us to state what we needed without apology. It took a lot of research and organization, but we were able to obtain the help and emotional support we needed. It has all been worth it. We've been able to give Mom respect, love, support, and dignity that she wouldn't otherwise have received as her very self declined over the past year and a half. We would do it all again.

In the end the family conflicts don't matter much. As we are going through the caregiving, it seems overwhelming but the death of that loved one leaves a void. Mom died on March 12. Those resentments are still there somewhat but they are not so important anymore ...Mom was the reason we had the conflicts..We were both trying to do what was right for her and I suspect every one of you is trying to do the same. Try to remember that this too shall pass. And then you wonder.....what now??? God be with all of you as you continue on this journey. I know it is difficult. Most often our parents or spouses will never know the sacrifices we have made to keep them safe and out of a nursing home.

Hi martita, Thank you for your question. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). I hope that helps. Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

I am 74 years old mother retired 12 years, live public housing for 32 yrs., family other country - only son 43 yrs old, married two years West away from 30+. He and wife have good jobs. I live in public housing on extreme low income. Only last 4 years has been generous with essential expenses, but lacks of loving caring attitudes and have small priority in his life. Often when conversing brings discussions to taking positions of blames me for wanting control and end on emotional disengagement. Specially when I point his lack of connectivity toward my life in general and feel no understanding or support for my lifeproblems. Our LD conversation often end in he thinking I want to have control which he ends disengaging on the issues discussed. Am I wrong in thinking living closer that 2 thou miles will make a difference in upcoming years? Am I making a mistake? - have small savings to move, but it looks as if really does not want me around, would this change? Maybe he is worry if expenses and demands on our relationship, but I have not done that now or planning to do it. He also keeps wife totally away from engaging relations with me. Need to have an intelligent way to communicate my needs and my ageing problems without conflict. advice please. thanks.

I just did a web visit of the suggestions made by annonomous in the last post. The nearest Home instead office is over 100 miles away from us. I took the stress test at caregiverstress.com and did just slightly better than on this site. I read the birth order effect page and ,yes, I am the youngest, but: I was never the favorite child, lived the farthest away, by thousands of miles, the middle children were and and continue to be the trouble makers, NOT the peace makers, and the oldest sibling died 4 years into my being here taking care of mother. The problem with comments made on birth order is that it is tainted by the person making the comments! The fact that it states that most of the caregivers are the youngest child speaks volumes to me! And not for any of the reasons listed. Sibling issues are as varied as can be. If I comment on why I think the youngest child is more often the care provider, then someone else who is a caregiver who is not the youngest of their family, is going to take offense for reasons that are different than mine. I think WHO EVER is a caregiver is a different type of person than those who do not, or will not choose to be one. What we as caregivers have in common is that we are putting someone elses quality of life ahead of our own. People who choose to put themselves first, do it for their own reasons. That's their choice. The fact that we as caregivers, don't always or completely understand how or why that choice was made, is no different than than the non caregivers not understanding how or why we chose to be a caregiver. I struggle with that question myself. If there were more help available to us, maybe I could take better care of myself. But sometimes, it's easier to accept that I am it and I need to do the best job I can. My dad used to say to me: who ever told you life was going to be fair? And then he would say: just remember, they can't all be as perfect as you and I! (then he'd give me a wink) My dad was the youngest in his family, too. I don't hate my siblings or their families. I pity them for all they have lost by choosing, for what ever reasons they have, to NOT be a part of Mom's elder years. I don't know if I am the all time best caregiver my parents could have ever had, but having them tell me they don't know what would have happened to them if it weren't for me (the child they didn't plan, the child they least understood, the least favorite child). I guess the lesson here is the child that you love the most might not be the one that loves YOU the most! Please don't be offended by my comments, anyone, we all have a story here and I have not posted anything here that is meant to offend anyone. I am just "in" the conversation!

To all of you and "somewhere": I could not have said it any differently. I was so angry at first, but now I only feel sadness. My mom sits here day after day and I know in her mind she wonders why my sister doesn't call or plan a day with her. This is what tears me up inside. I keep trying to figure out why; and for now I just have to let it go and focus on my mother. She is the whole issue here, not the others who obviously make up every flimsy excuse in the book to justify their poor behavior! I don't want her to die with me being bitter and angry at them even though they owerd her more than they ever gave. They will be the ones (my sister and her grown children and grandchildren) who will be "suffering" the most at the funeral. I will be the one with my grandchildren who did all we could to show her how much we always loved her for what she gave and did. I'm not angry anymore because I have all of you here when I am in need of support and love. Thank you all so much.

The point about roles and rivalries is right on. My wife is 8 years older than her brother and basically raised him because the parents were too busy travelling. Now, we can not have a meeting without the younger brother pointing out that he "has a degree in business from the local University" and his sister only finished 2 years of college, so in any financial discussion, he is obviously superior to his elder sister. This invariably comes up in meetings with the father when finances are being discussed. As the son-in-law, I feel I am the third wheel in these discussions, and would like to defuse some of this. The other problem is that the father enjoys this conflict between his daughter and son, so he continually brings up topics he knows will cause an argument (to him, it is not a good meal, unless there is at least one argument that gets to the shouting stage, or at least one family member gets up and leaves,) As the "outsider" I am not sure how to handle these dynamics.

well, watchdog, you've come to the right place! Your story sounds much like the rest of ours in many ways! My family makes excuses, I do everything else! But, my Mom knows who stepped up and who stepped out! And so did my dad! There is nothing to squabble over when Mom is gone because my sister made sure of that years ago. I didn't choose to be the caregiver because I would benefit financially after they were gone and who would want that person for their caregiver! Yikes! Hopefully you can find a way to get some xtra help financially for your sister. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Many heirs are anxious to get their inheritance. Decisions to hire aides or place in assisted living are often seen as financially irresponsible " for a person who is out of it anyway". Every time I make a decision to spend money on my 87 year old mother's quality of life, I am terrified that I will be sued by my brother and his family. Aside from the Alzheimer's she is very healthy , takes very little medication, can walk and eat anything. I am extraordinarily lucky that my father wrote a will two years before he died leaving me as the sole executor. My father had the type of personality that did not want to face his own mortality, and did not care what happened after he died. My 60 year old brother is a general practioner, MD - four years ago he told me that the only help he would give me with my mother was a " Do Not Resusitate Order". My brother sees his mother once or twice a year ( we live in the same city) at family parties, and his wife and adult children see her even less. He has told relatives that he does not visit because he does not think that she recognizes him. He would say that I am too protective of her, and I probably am. None of the suggestions above address inheritance which is one of the main issues that causes problems.

Validation - as I am the sole caregiver to AD mom and MR sister. Out of State sister is POA controls the money with a whip in her hands. Yes the bills are paid by attny. but nothing left for fun especially with MR sister. She is legally blind, diabetic, cardiomyopathy, glacoma and short life expectancy. Mediator sounds like a good idea since brother, local, MD and never heard from or answers phone calls from my home number. Not surprised, he did the same when I was caring for our now deceased father. Both siblings are VERY successful and wealthy. I'm on disability for depression - how convenient for them. Enough of my pity party. I'm the loved one!

Mom is in the "home" now, weighs 80 pounds, won't look at us, (although she was very friendly yesterday when I brought the grandbaby in to see her), her oxygen level is way high (because they can't keep it under 92 where the doctor says it should be and mom is confused as to whether it is day or night because she doesn't leave her room. I guess that she is having some type of therapy but today told me that my sister didn't want her. I said no mom, neither of us want you to fall and that you need to get your strength up before we could even consider bringing you home. Right now, she is in a wheelchair, diapers, and sleeps most of the day. My sister came in tonight and said ...mom's trying to make me feel guilty for putting her here...(I'm thinking, you know it's not about you, it's about mom and maybe mom is sick and/or dying) I wish I knew and I do think there is the potential for our parents to believe that we can continue to take care of them until they are gone because they raised us...but hey, they were a little younger!! And we were getting stronger, not weaker. Anyway, it was a good day yesterday with mom but a bad day today. I know she doesn't want to be there but she needs to be at least until she can use a walker again... She doesn't want to watch tv, play computer (which she used to do all the time), answer the telephone, etc. I think that she needs to talk to someone about her feelings. And I wonder if she is being realistic as I know at some point they revert back to childhood. I just hate watching this downfall... She is such a wonderful mother and is no longer very happy or aware of things. She keeps telling me that they put her to sleep in her clothes (untrue) and that she sleeps all the time...don't know if this is true or not. But I wish I knew.

EXPECTING HELP wastes time we should spend GETTING REAL HELP.

FEAR of COMMITMENT prevents people from offering to help AT ALL...

Sometimes we NEITHER LOVE nor LIKE a parent. NO EXPLANATION required...

My mother's Alzheimers reached its later stages just recently and I am beside myself on how to handle the situation. You see, she refuses to use her money to hire extra care-givers, and wonders out loud why her children can't take care of her. It breaks my heart when she says that because she has seven children, but only two (my sister and myself) actually do take care of her. I have to say that three of them live in other states and can't be held too accountable but I do feel they could do more. My problem is that I have two other sisters that live close to my mother. One has finally begun to help one day a week (sometimes) while the other refuses to be of any help whatsoever. My older sister who does help does not get along with my mother very well and has a variety of illnesses that prevent her from doing heavy work. I, myself, have HIV and feel myself slowly slipping away due to the work load and especially the anxiety. And then there is the anger I feel towards my sisters who don't help. They know the toll it is taking on me and don't care. I am on oxygen and blind in one eye and lately I have taken to breaking out all over my face when I spend time four, five or six consecutive days with my mother. I know it is stress and I get it about every three weeks. I know that if I could get some help with some days away I could go on a little longer, but with her refusing to pay and my siblings refusing to help, I just don't know what to do. I have been told to stop what I am doing by my doctors or I won't be around much longer, but I can't bare the thought of a nursing home. I just needed to write this down and get some of it out of my system. Thanks for listening.

Ok... so this is what happened today. First, my sister, who works at the hospital calls and tells me about all of her stressors because she keeps getting calls about mom's care. I know that she is trying to work and they can call me but why would they if she is right there. Anyway, she says....I've been at the hospital all week....can you visit her on the weekend???? I'm thinking that today is the ONLY day all week I have not been there and I have not been working there but making a special effort to go there and because her job just happens to be there, she is tired of going there all week. My thinking is that now that she got mom in there, she will expect that I take over all of the care on the weekends so that her weekends can be free and I can care for mom...(forget I have a husband that works all week). I'm sorry but that I'm TOOOO busy cause I work has gotten to me too. I am retired and currently, I am helping one daughter take her children to appointments and herself to appointments because she fell and broke a leg and I am babysitting nights for the other daughter because the baby's father died in October plus I am now making special trips to the hospital to see mom and trying to keep up my own appointments....some retirement huh..... But I'm not working so I have more time....F>>>> that. I do have more time and more running around and less free time than I had when I worked! My sister's live in friend does her laundry, cleans her house and does her errands...my live in husband works and comes home with the expectation that dinner is ready and the house is liveable...big deal right??? I'm now going to a counselor for my depression, an eye doctor for my vision, a physician for headaches and because my sister works, I'm now the one who has taken on the rent of mom's house which is being rented by my daughter and now we may have to raise her rent because we have to pay for mom's medicaid to keep her in the nursing home. My daughter who works as a waitress, lost her baby's father and makes too much to get public assistance because she has been saving money that she can't touch to buy the house that now she might not be able to because of the medicaid....I'm stressed....can you tell????

Yes, I am very happy Mom rides her bike. Even her Drs. are impressed with her execising every day! I don't have to tell her to do it, it is part of her day. She is much healthier today than she was ten years ago, but then again, not. Complexed situation! As her diabetes takes it's toll on her other organs, her legs and heart are stronger because of her willingness to exercise. We monitor her diabetes closely, but 27 years of it takes a toll, and it was not managed as well before I came on board. I have a hard time with it when the comment is made that others can't help because "they" have a job. Really? So, let's see, you get to shower everyday, fix your hair and makeup, LEAVE your house, interact w/ others socially, have lunch dates, get a paycheck and then have two days off and plan vacations w/ your spouse? Wow! That does sound different from my life! But I remember that life...and I gave it all up under they understanding that I would have help and support from them when I left all that behind. And even when I did have all that, I still volunteered several places and helped an elderly couple on my street several times a week. So, I don't buy the "we don't have time, we work" answer. Yes, some of my family "can't handle" certain elements of home care and I would no way expect most of them to be able to handle assisting w/ bath time. And they don't have to give mom her injections, but they do need to know how to test her blood and fill a syringe. I don't think I am angry with my family. I feel embarrassed of them. None of what I do is too hard to do or learn. It's only because no one else will step up and realize what it is like for both Mom and me. I have talked to several of them several times! Every year at Christmas time I get calls saying what can we get Grandma for Christmas. I tell them the same thing every year: She doesn't NEED stuff, she needs you to come visit even just once a month...give her a coupon book that is for lunch w/ you here or take her out; or ten games of cards with Grandma, or a drive to see the Christmas lights around town. It never happens. They bring or send over lotions or gift certs. to get her hair done, but no gift of time. She thinks they don't love or like her. And I find myself using the same lame excuses...they're busy, they "work", etc. I know talking about this is doing no good, but I feel bad that my husband and I are losing our relationship more everyday, because he ends up being the one who I vent to. I don't want to do that. We are all so excited that our daughter gets to come here for a week. It is and always has been her choice to participate in Grandma Care. They hug each other and cry when she comes and when she leaves. They play cards and look at magazines and laugh and giggle like young girls. Mom loves her so much that she can not talk about her without crying! Mom wants to move closer to her! And that is what we are in the process of planning to do. I feel guilty about taking mom away from here, where almost all the other children and Grand and Great Granchildren live, but Mom says ," They won't even know we've left!" Thanks for listening.....gotta go it's bath and hair appt day...for Mom.

By the way, I went back and saw on Somedays note that her mother rode her exercise bike...don't let her stop that....My mom just sat in a computer chair for most of the day even balking at taking her dishes to the kitchen. Movement is so important as we age. Mom is now too weak to stay at home.

SOmeday...I agree with your disgust over your family suddenly turning their backs on mom/grandma. My family is quite the opposite about mom except for one of my nieces, who was a lot more unwilling than the rest but still helped on occasion. She lived across the street from my sister, however, when mom's care took on bigger proportions, she became more and more distant. It is not that the love is gone, but sometimes I think people are afraid of what they might see. I know it is difficult for me to see mom this way but I try anyway to see her every day... Also, I think people get busy (of course, we as caregivers would like to have the free time to be busy as well ) I think it is true that this can tear families apart given that everyone wants their own life. Just remember if it becomes too hard, you have to be able to try to let go. I know I have been having difficulty with this but my sister (who worked) had an easier time of it. We have tried to take care of all of mom's needs for five years now and before that I took care of mom and dad's day to day needs as they no longer drove and my sister would help them with lawn mowing, home repairs, etc. on the weekends. So we have been in this health care business for nine years now. Mom and Dad raised us to be independent but there is a time when we all become dependent again. It's difficult but sometimes you can only go so far with the care. Try not to beat yourself up if you need more help or (GOD FORBID) a nursing home. We are in the nursing home as of this week and they have already made the mistake of giving mom too much oxygen but we are watching and mom is very weak. If she were stronger, I would feel differently but as it is she can do little for herself. At this point, mom told us that we have no other choice and I would hope that most parents would care enough to feel the same.

We are all sort of in the same boat. First of all, on these pages, we feel free to discuss our frustrations, because it seems we have no other safe place to do that. That being said, please know that I never mean to sound as if I have it better or worse than the other care givers who found this space as an outlet to an otherwise confined life as a caregiver. If circumstances dictate that we have to put our loved one in a nursing home or assisted living place, then we do it based on the situation before us. And certainly not with any judgement from anyone on here! I'll know when that time comes. And I am sure it''l be hard for both Mom and I. Please do not assume that I had the benefit of being raised as the charmed baby of the family! Quite the opposite! I was the ooops child and the invisible child. But I am the strongest, the most capable, the one who lived 3 thousand miles away, the one who is here doing the caregiving. I don't need kudos for that. I wouldn't be here if I didn't feel that's what I am supposed to do. It's what we all should feel compelled to do. I struggle with trying to understand how the rest of my family feels: nothing! It's like I am in a Twilight Zone Movie! How do you have no feelings of compassion at all? THAT's what mkes me feel like throwing up; to know they are my siblings and their children and grandchildren and we have nothing in common. It would be easier, I think, if we move away from here, and that is a very strong possibility. We can die anywhere, and we all will, so we might as well live somewhere that we like!

I agree with you about finding time for yourself. It seems that if you do find time for yourself, there is the worry about mom and that constant worry is hard to get away from. For the past year my sister and I have split mom's care right down the middle..three weeks here, three weeks there. It worked well until this last time that mom got so weakened and fell. Even though mom is bad right now, both my sister and myself feel that if we knew that the end was near, we would like to have mom back home but this not knowing and her needs becoming so much more, would make it impossible to share her care and impossible for one or the other of us to do it full time but I told mom that I will continue to be here for her. I will visit her and be around and if she gets stronger, will take her out for a visit or two. But right now, she is extremely weak. And has little or no interest and she actually told my daughter that she was dying. But the doctors could pinpoint nothing that caused her to get so weak other than the fact that she stopped eating and no one knows why she stopped eating. But I believe that there was something wrong with her that the antibiotics had either masked or taken care of prior to her hospitalization. But she really does look worse. I think that my sister wanted me to take this on full time but I felt that I just couldn't do it. I haven't had much of a break since I retired almost 9 years ago and I'm so hopeful that this time will help so that I can consider bringing her home again but I do know that she will only get worse. My mother lived full time with my sister until last year when we decided to split her care. My sister travels a lot and prior to this last year, there always needed to be someone to care for mom when my sister was gone. I quite often spent the night with mom while my sister was gone, leaving my husband and home behind. I was also the one responsible for all of mom's medical trips, eyeglasses, trips out of town for her vision, etc. so we thought we had shared it but it became too much for my sister because she works full time and I know she could not care for mom in her home. And mom stopped doing anything for herself. I also knew that at mom's weakest state right now, I could not do it. Although I do not work, I am physically and mentally drained right now and have been doing doctor's appointments for both of my parents since I retired. (9 years ago). I understand that my sister will not do it anymore and I hope that mom can get along in the home. But we both know we have the option of removing her.

BTW, I made the same promise you did - "NO NURSING HOME, EVER." And it was an UNREASONABLE promise either to make OR to be asked to make. As if anyone could ever really know what the future might hold! (What if you were suddenly to become a paraplegic - wouldn't you HAVE to reconsider? Or would you expect your daughter to drop her life and care for YOUR mother to fulfill YOUR promise? ) THINK ABOUT IT. The cycle must stop somewhere. In my life, it stops with ME. And, it stops NOW. Take care . ©suzannemcable.2.24.2011

Dear someday~~~ My perspective is altered by knowing your mother does not have dementia... MY mother DOES - and it makes all the difference. It sounds like you have two issues - "caregiver burnout" and "family resentment" toward your entire family because 1) they don't help you at all, and 2) because they don't pay any attention to their mother/grandmother. You can't do anything about #2, so it is best to be honest with your mother, occasionally make apologies for them, and let it go. Resentment will eat you alive and compound your exhaustion. Trust me - I know! (Are you sure we're not from the same family?) ...I know you love your mother... Keep in mind, though, that she raised your siblings 1) before she raised you AND 2) while under duress from caring for HER elders. So your sibs may have gotten the WORST of her temper, frustration and exhaustion, while you, the baby, benefited from her "learning curve" and her "reduced workload" and got the BEST of her - a mature mother's love. (I am the oldest, so TRUST ME, I know what I'm talking about.) So let your resentment go and fill your other needs, which are for actual caregiving help and social activities for your mom. (MANY organizations for that, starting with churches, schools, etc. which have visitation programs, and Senior Centers and programs...) Again, see the FCA link below. Be grateful you are not dealing with Alzheimer's Disease. Support for AD is limited by the difficulty of handling/ communicating with this population as the illness advances. My 83 yo mother is sitting at the dining room table tearing pages out of magazines and systematically reducing them to confetti - which is fine with me right now. (At least she is too busy to attack me - verbally OR physically - as I had more than my share of that when I was a child...) Take care! ~~ Galowa~~ ©suzannemcable.2.24.2011

I promised both of my parents that I would not put them in a nursing home unless it became a 'have to' situation where I could not care for them at home. I kept that promise to my dad and will never regret that. My mom is so afraid to go into a nursing home and I am afraid for her when she has been in there. And I am not in denile about this, please understand, mom is mostly "with it" mentally. She needs a walker most of the time, otherwise at least a cane and me on the other side of her. She is most comfortable sitting due to spinal stenosis. She does, however ride her exercise bike two times a day, 5 miles each time. I assist her at bath time. I make all the meals do all the housework and all her meds. and get her to all of her appointments here and out of town. Her diabetes is why I can not leave her alone for more than short periods of time. I am not expecting any of my family to do any of these things; all I really need is for them to realize they should be spending some time with HER! Good grief! Does some one really have to tell these adult children, adult grandchildren, adult great grandchildren that they SHOULD spend time w/ THEIR Grandma! She would love to look forward to a game of cribbage with any of them! How simple is that? How much time would that take? And what a huge difference it would be to Mom! My daughter took care of Mom for two years while finishing highschool, taking college courses and working part time. That was years 8 & 9 ago! Next week she is traveling back here for her "spring break" so she can spend it with Mom because this Spring she will leave for her residency year for grad school and WON"T be able to come see Grandma. As for the previous generations not having to deal with caring for the elderly, you're right, people did not as often live this long, but my mom took care of both of her parents while she had young children at home and while pregnant w/ one of my older siblings. Before I was born, so I had no exposure to this, yet I am the one who is doing it now. I think it was MORE normal for my mom's generation and the previous ones, to take care of the parents/grandparents at home. There are many reasons why it can end up being only one family member doing the caregiving, but in the case of MY family it's just their self centeredness. And the truth is, they've always been this way. It hurts to see her lonely for company and I cannot fill that void alone with all the rest of my responsibilities. January and February and March are the hardest, because the remaining friends mom does have spend the winters elsewhere. Thank you, all of you, this site helps me so much! I know we , we who are the caregivers, all share the same feelings at different times. I am always so thankful when I am feeling overwhelmed, that I have this outlet! I dread the day if I have to put her in a nursing home, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Furthermore, I doubt if many previous generations had to deal with these issues for as long as this generation is. People are living longer due to medications and all medical advances... Lucky for us or not? I don't know. I only know my mother's roommate is 105, cannot hear, sits in a chair all day...is that living???

Hi all. We just placed our mom yesterday in a 5 star nursing home in a hospital. It is supposed to be a good place. Mom was hospitalized last week, and we found she has lost 10 pounds, is weak and her CO2 was making her very confused. At that point, my sister said that she could no longer care for mom. As we have been care sharing for mom for 5 years now, I agreed. It was the most difficult decision I ever made. I pondered caring for her by myself but determined that since I'm almost 60 and now babysitting a new grandchild (because her mother works and her father died in October), and also because my other daughter broke her leg last week, had surgery and is in a cast for 8-10 weeks while caring for 2 children with her boyfriend of 4 months, that I just could not do it either. Mom needs lifting, toileting, bathing, etc. and anyone who might help me with this care is not available right now. Mom is still somewhat aware of her surroundings but said to me that she felt that we could do nothing else so we did what we had to. I think mom will probably give up now but I'm hopeful she will try to get her strength back. It is a difficult decision but at some point a necessary decision. Good luck to any of you who are contemplating it.

Dear someday... I tried to send you a HUG, but your hug link appears to be turned off... I hear you and I am so sorry. If I had to go another year I'd die, but I am working to set up placement for my mother. Can you do that? I think it's time. I am nearly 56 - how much life do we have left for US??? PLACE HER. She'll barely notice at all. The person who needs her placed is YOU. Take care, sweet someday. No more waiting. I am with you all the way. Make "someday" TODAY... xooxoox ps Call Family Caregiver Alliance - get the contact number for your state at the following LINK - http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/fcn_content_node.jsp?nodeid=2083

This is year 7 for me taking care of my mom w/o any help from siblings and so little interaction w/ other family members, it's not worth mentioning. I don't know how I have survived this long. I have gained 30 pounds and when someone says, as in this article, that it is important to take care of yourself, I know they have no clue what it is like to be a fulltime caregiver w/ no family help. THERE IS NO TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I can't make appointments to take care of myself because I can't commit to being someplace with no back up for mom. When people see mom they say "oh gee your mom looks great! You're so lucky she is so healthy and mentally with it at 93!" I say, "she's not, but you'd have to be around her for more than a few minutes to know that. If she were, why would I be here?" I do NOT resent my Mom or wish I weren't here for her, but I DO resent my family for doing NOTHING. I don't even want to have a service for my Mom when she does die, because I don't want to spend any time with any of them. I honestly feel like I am going to throw up when I see any of them! If I run into one of them at the grocery store all they do is rattle on about how busy they are and how stressed they are and how they never have a minute to spare...blahblahblah and then switch into telling me about their last vacation or meal at the new retaurant and have I been there yet!? SO, an article that suggest that I have to do yet more: organize a family meeting; bring in a mediator; see a therapist; etc.etc.etc., tells me that the writer doesn't really know what it is like to live like this. And I can tell you that NO ONE that doesn't need this site , that is, the people who are not caregivers, the family members that WE are talking about, NONE of them are ever going to read these suggestions. They do not step up because they do not care. To do anything would mean giving up some of their own life. If they cared at all, there would not be this issue. When this chapter of my life is over, I will leave and not look back........THAT is how I plan to "take care of myself".

Family conflicts is a major issue on this planet. Just look at all the people in therapy! Unfortunately, parents are so busy that no one has the time to address conflict in a more calm, loving, and centered way. There is a great article about it here http://teensupport.com/raising-teenagers/arguing-with-teenagers-and-creating-family-conflict/ I think if families just accepted the fact that family conflict is going to be happening and to commit to putting the time in to resolve it, this could have a major impact.

Rendezvous 747! AGREED! Family Caregiver's Alliance is my support network, too... And having them in my life makes ALL the difference in the world,

The fact that I have options. A new one being Family Caregivers Alliance

MY SISTER ONLY CALLS MY MOM2 TIMES A MONTH ,SHE IS A NURSE AND YOU THINK SHE WOULD CATER TO MY MOM SOME. I AM HER ONLY CAREGIVER AND IT DOES CAUSE STRESS IN MY HOME LIFE. AND MY MOM WONT SAY ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT THE FUTURE, and what is to happen when shes gone. I dont care about the $ mom has., i need help now! you"de think my sis would be more caring about her now

family arguement over dad's medical needs not being consistently met by sister who is a nurse and forgetful

At what point does it become our life again? Or how do we balance all obligations? Just wondering. I will soon be 59 and mom is 87. And I'm just tired.

Disagreements over an elder's condition and capabilities

My sister and I have reached an agreement that will help us both. We are going to share mom's care. One month with me, one month with my sister. And Mom likes the idea. This will take us some work but will give us both respite time. So that's what we decided. I wish everyone had this option. And I will be able to care for my new grandchild!

dds...I know where you are coming from. Both my sister and myself are slowly burning out. We want our life back. This is the third summer now that mom has been without dad. I'm to the point now where I feel that we may need to get some respite care for mom but I know that she will be resistant. This caregiving aspect is quite demanding and the caregiver is required to donate her time and efforts without regard to her own life. It is a real balancing act and the trouble is ... we don't know when it will end. And of course, when it does end there will be guilt and sadness. I will soon be 59 and am wondering at what point, I will no longer be able to enjoy life and will I still be a caregiver?

I am really in need of help. My beloved father passed away in November after many years of me and my sister trying to share care for him. We were fighting even then pretty bad. But my mother remains and we are at WAR about her care. I mean it is just horrible- theother day my sister emailed somethings so horrendous I basically cannot read her email- She is terrifically resentful of what she sees as her doing it all- Ihave my own and different point of view- and she is melting down, blaming me, full of hate and totally without any willingness to sit down and talk calmly. I have arranged for my Dad's former care manager to meet with us to mediate- but my sister said no- so I do not see hope here- the truth is I cared for my father for 20 years to varying degrees while my sister and mother more or less enjoyed their lives. I have pretty much had it. My sister hid all information about money after my father's death- is telling me "mother has no money" and will not show me bank records. This is a huge loss and tragedy. I want to do the right thing but honestly my sister's anger and lack of insight and willingness to see the social work seem to me to be deal enders. I have no other family. I was very close to my Dad and not to my sister and mother who are buddies. Iha ve not much in common with them- very long story- but I feel alone- and I want to do the right thing in life- but how much caregiving does a person have to do in one lifetime? I am 57 years old. at what point do I get to enjoy my life. I do not regret a minute of the help I gave my Dad who was a fabulous father and person- but I am TIRED and wanting some fun and rest in my life- am I a bad person? I'm really ready to change my phone number- but this is ripping me apart. suggestions welcome. My mother pretty much abandoned my Dad as he got sicker- stopped all care forhim- so my sister and I struggled for years to meet his needs while she essentially partied.

I guess my sister and myself have reached an agreement on this issue. My sister takes several vacations every year and I watch mom. The vacations that I used to take with my sister, she now takes with a friend. And I seem to have become "stupid" to my sister now. I don't seem to know that mom needs help even though I take her on all of her doctors appointments, etc. Yeah, I'm resentful. I'm hurt. Mom's needy and I know my sister resents me not having mom live with me but my sister is much more financially able and is younger than I. I do all of the day to day routines with mom and my sister gets her dinner one to two nights per week but my sister has the "gift" of tucking mom in at night and she also has the "fear" of not waking her up in the morning. Honestly, we are trying to make this work but it's very difficult. Mom does not have alzheimers but is quickly becoming more needy and all both my sister and myself want is to get on with our lives. How do you balance? I know that help would be a good idea but that means some stranger going into my sister's home. I'm thinking respite care for mom might be a good idea at least once avery couple of months. This would give us both a break. I go to mom's every day except for the weekends, which I currently hold sacred as my recharging time. I think the worst part of this is not knowing how long it will last while at the same time, not wanting to lose mom. My sister and I are both drinking more, but definitely not alcoholics. But I don't have the ability to get away as often as my sister and I get very resentful. I need to get away for 1 week and not have to go anywhere but just relax. My sister has already planned 4 vacations for this year and regularly goes to health spas, etc. I'm on a fixed income and try to use my home as an escape but it doesn't work. When my sister goes, I go to stay with mom and my husband resents it. If I try to spend time at home, my sister resents it. It feels like I just am not entitled to have my life. Last summer the only time I got to spend with my grandchildren was when I had to spend the day with mom...no grandbaby time. I'm not able to demand my time...my sister is way stronger than I. She demands and takes the time. I fall apart. I think if I live through this, my life will be shortened from the stress of it all. I will soon be 59....life's slipping away.... Every time I tell my sister how I feel, she says "tell me about it". And it stops right there. She has money and I don't and she travels and I can't. But I would really like to have a staycation but if I stay, mom calls me to come there everyday. I feel like I'm in a hole that is just getting deeper. My daughter is now pregnant,unmarried, but pregnant. And doesn't really want the baby...of course, she's only 6 weeks along and may feel differently soon. But this is also depressing me. Life is so depressing for a lot of reasons and sometimes I don't know what to do. Maybe counseling is the answer, maybe drugs....I don't know. Or maybe I will luck out and have a heart attack or stroke and die. Sorry, just venting really...not suicidal but I do feel that Mom may outlive me.

I agree with Galowa. I too have been taking care of my mother for 9 mos who is 91 yrs old. The problem is my mother fell and broke her hip and she uses a walker. She loves acting like something is wrong with her all the time. My mother is in excellent health, but she acts helpless. I refuse to be her nursemaid and I've told her that. I fix her meals, I change her linens and I get her shower ready. I insist she take care of herself as far as bathing, making her bed and doing what little laundry she has to do. She can't hear very well even with a hearing aid and I'm constantlly screaming to let her hear me. I am sooooo tired of taking care of her. I know that if this situation was reversed, my mother would tell me she's not able to help me. I've had major surgeries and she told me she wouldn't help me. So, why am I being stuck with taking care of he? I resent her more and more everyday just being in my home, and I am not sure how I can handle this much longer. My only recourse is to put her in a nursing home. I do not get any help from my sister and she has informed me to put her in a nursing home as she is not able to take her in. Does anyone have any idea how I can handle this without loosing it myself? Oh yeah, does anyone have any suggestions what to say to my mother when I do put her in a nursing home? Help!!

OOPS, my statement from a minute ago today should have said "in my PREVIOUS STATEMENT" rather than "in my statement above."

By the way, in my statement above, I forgot to mention that even though i WAS 3,000 miles away from my parents, at my father's death i stayed with my mother in her own home for FOUR MONTHS, while my own children and husband were 3000 miles away, and have since had my mother living in MY HOUSE for over FOUR YEARS. I still manage her house 3000 miles away, and have ALSO inherited oversight of my mentally ill younger sister (50 yeas old) and the house my parents provide for her (which is 3,400 miles away...) I certainly would HATE to give the impression that my mother is sitting in a facility whist I coordinate her care from a distance...

The author of this article really IS out-to-lunch. The scenario depicted here is more like a fairy-tale than real life. Almost NOBODY has the time, energy or mutually cooperative sibling relationships necessary to even attempt this, let alone succeed at it. The "ideal" you describe is not only unattainable, it's unthinkable for most families. Aside from the sibling conflict aspect, or the unfair division of labor, you pay only lip service to the role/ wishes of the aging parents, and COMPLETELY ignore the issue of what might be described as the actual "RIGHT thing to do." By the way, I am THE ONLY caretaker, and just HAPPEN to 1) live the FURTHEST away, 2) have the GREATEST number of other obligations, and 3) not only was I NOT the closest to my parents, i was, in fact, their unanimously LEAST FAVORITE child of three. Despite all this, I'm the one,the one and ONLY, who is DOING IT ALL.

Thank you for know mor about family conflicts.

I have been caregiving for my mom who is elderly and has cancer for six months. She is derpressed and angry about her disease and her loss of independence. My sister, who lives 100 miles away and who only comes every now and then for a few hours on a Saturday, had to be confronted by a family friend to discuss with mom, having me put on as power of attorney with my out of town sister. I am handling everything, taking mom to dr. app'ts, talking to dr.s, hospitals,arranign for home care thru an agency (which we had to fire after several problems. My sister acts more like a distant acquaintance, and really doesn't see that mom's problems have much to do with her or her daughter, who has never even called her grandmother to say hello....the daughter (32) has come down ince to visit, and spent most of the visit watching Veggietales with her toddlers, and my sister, in another room leaving mom alone in the living room. ( I had taken the little ones in another room to watch the videos so that my niece and my sister could spenmd soem time with my mom. ) Mom is terminally ill. Its breaking my heart in every way - BUt I wouldn't have missed this tiem with my mom for anything. I love her deeply and she knows it and vice versa.There is no way I could put her ina nursing home.She is terrified of them. I am so tired I can hardly get up some days, but I know mom is even tireder and afraid of what comes next. I wouldn't want to go thru this without soemone who loves me if I were her, and I know if the situation were reversed she would be with me every step of the way. So I will be, too. thanks E.A.