Are You Heading for Caregiver Burnout?

16 was my score. I am the only working income for a family of 4-both kids are under 15. Husband has type 1 diabetes, kidney failure (dialysis), past stroke, and had a heart attack this past May. My youngest has Type 1 diabetes. Both kids have ADHD and one of them is high functioning on autism scale. No one pitches in to clean unless I yell or beg. Oh yeah, I have MS!!! So the crippled old woman is the only one handling things. Then last week the husband tried to suggest buying a new house since ours is getting dilapidated, dirty, and has now a bug issue. My comfort is God, a dog, 3 cats, and a wicked sense of humor (litter boxes, feeding, watering...). Mom is about to enter the witness protection program. LOL

I only scored 29 on the quiz. I care for my wife who has Fibromyalgia, severe weakness and a host of other physical problems due to being morbidly obese (she is more than 150 lbs overweight). She has been diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety disorder and has symptoms of OCD and Paranoia. The worst part is that she gets very upset, irrational and mean spirited when I or anyone does anything for her that isn't exactly the way she would do it. I am screaming for help.

I too, as most of us already knew, am also burned out! Naw... Really? I have been caring for my husband with multiple health issues- all of which are life threatening and chronic and eventually terminal. I am the reason he is even still alive! Between copd, two mis diagnosed strokes the 2nd one caused a hyper & very agitated & angry delirium lasting an unheard of time-span of three long yrs, cardiomyopathy, congestive heart disease, ongoing mini strokes, organic(from hospital security using un necessary excessive force and cracking his skull)... and acquired (from strokes) TBI, early onset dementia- from yrs of excessive alcohol use & Complex PTSD.... Now, nearly 5 yrs since the literally overnight & sudden whammy that started it all, I still can not get ANY much desperately needed help! He qualifies for 3-4 hours a day and not one single agency comes thru with anyone to help me with him! The one time that they did, I went to the store and he got mad about something he didn't perceive correctly and without harm, physically turned her toward the door and kicked her out ! No one can handle his mean attitudes, they get scared and run off! He is 6'1" tall and weighs a whopping 140 lbs can't breath well so he is weak and frail.... but his mouth is still at full capacity, just without a correctly functioning brain to direct it! He has family as do I, but no one would help me with him! He was even illegally kicked out of a mental health stabilization short term hospital! Since he had pneumonia and a heart attack, a couple of days after Thanksgiving the year before last, It was bad enough the Dr and nurses were doubtful he would make it thru the night and made sure that I to was aware of this possibility! This got the attention of his oldest son and he began to call regularly at least. Now that I have fought, clawed and scratched wile screaming the entire way trying to get the health care "experts" to correctly care for him (& w/very little success), I can at least feel good knowing he is alive because I kept him alive... thru delirium lasting so long his body organs and functions were literally shutting down, and the countless times he was having minor heart attacks or dangerously low blood pressure drops, and the ER ignored the readings sending him home in my care, He has finally improved enough to take two weeks and visit his oldest son 4 states away! The part that is torturing me the most now is how difficult I am finding it to not feel so lost without him here and not worry about him! I can't sleep, or relax nor can I get anything that I have neglected for so long, done, no matter how badly I want to, either! I feel like I have become dangerously co-dependent! I finally get a long overdue break.... & I don't know how to handle it! This is really traumatizing to me! WTF? I apologize for that bold abbreviation, but it is the best way I can think of to express the intensity I am feeling! (believe me... there is no clear way for me to fully express what I am experiencing now. I need help.... that's all I know. where or how I am going to find it is still very much a mystery! Wow .... telling the world all this was actually a little helpful already! I should find a way to do this more often... It just might be the answer I so desperately need right now.. I

HELP!!!! I'm 29 years old and a single mother to my 8 1/2 year old son who has severe autism. I also have a 2 1/2 year old daughter that I care for by myself. I have no help and I have been burnt out since I had my daughter 2 1/2 years ago. Everyone thinks I will be fine but that's the problem I've been telling myself that for 2 years. I don't know how I managed to live this way this long. I'm on antidepressants but those don't seem to help me pull through either. I am diagnosed with major depression the way it is. My family don't help cuz they have too many hobbies and work too much I guess. My sons dad lives 3 hours away and my daughters dad is in jail for the fifth time since I've known him. He is an alcoholic and was physically and mentally abusive to me. I finally went through and filled a restraining order and since doing so he has left me alone. I don't have friends or a significant other in my life cuz I barely leave my house to grocery shop, take kids to movies, or swimming all by myself. I can't give up on my kids cuz then I will slip into a depression that I fear I won't return. They are my only reason to live. I'm tired of people looking at me in the stores telling me I have my hands full cuz my children are hyper or having screaming fits in the store. I'm at the end of my rope what can I do?

Help...I'm having caregiver BURNOUT! Is there any support group in DTLA (downtown Los Angeles) Thanks

Just taken the caregiver burnout test my total is 23. I know that I should be taking more care of myself but do not seem to be able to do it.

I'm new to being a caregiver. I'm so tired all the time. My patient is my husband.

i am toast. What things do u all do and not feel guilty when u lose your temper, or just want to sleep and can not, just do not want to helpwith the falling anymore and people saying they want to help but think coming over for 10 minutes and u have to entertain them when you yourself need to be entertained have a break

So, I'm reading the comments below and everyone of us is at the end of our rope, The problem is there is NO caregiver support in most areas, so all we cab do is take this test and affirm what we already know- We'Re unable to cope! So how does that help? Is there an online support group or domeyhing? I certainly haven’t found any.

Toast. Yep, that's me. So far beyond fried, KFC doesn't even want me! I'm an only child of an aging mom. I believe I was conceived in an attempt to save her marriage (didn't work). After her divorce, she never remarried. She has multiple health issues and mental issues, so I've basically been taking care of my mom for most of my 47 years...and I'm tired. Tired and sad....and lonely. I fear this is my lot in life...here to care for my mom until she passes, and then what?

THANKS

I fall under "To Hot To Handle" and I agree. I'm staying sick, I cry all the time over everything, I lose my temper so fast it surprises me!!! I don't know what to do about it, I'm medicated but it's not the answer because it really doesn't address the issues. I don't know of any support groups in my area. If something doesn't happen soon I am going to explode.

I am so sad and beyond depressed. My nearby sisters don't come out to help. They flounce in and out for weekends once in a while. Both spend recouperating several times each yr on vacations to nice places. I only got away recently for 5days to dog sit for my sister while she was vacationing. Hardly a break as I cared for six dogs all day. I come back to the house and my elderly parents made a disaster of things. Hired the cleaning lady they fired her. We just had a talk about needing help or they need to go into a rest home. Moms meds are screwed up. I hate that I am so severely depressed. I see a counselor weekly. I have no money though and my car is a wreck. I have applied for jobs and went back to school after my divorce. I lost everything including my kids love until recently. They now talk to me but see their dad all the time. I had to move far away to live w my parents. I work PRN and I am older. I am losing faith. I see my parents emotional immaturity and realize I was raised by two who did the best they could but my dad is a narcissist and mom is hystrionic. I sleep on a couch and have been in the basement for 3 years. Nobody cares what happens to me. Only recently have my sisters been playing polite to me. They have no idea what this is like. Nobody cares. I am a doormat despite insisting otherwise. I am sad to see mom continue to be an alcoholic though I was able to get her to stop a lot of the serious drinking. My dad enables her. Sober, she has the emotional maturity of a three yr old. When she drinks she is verbally and emotionally violent. Always has been and I got the worst of it as a kid. Because of my divorce, I was peniless when the economy flatlined in 08. Employers have proved they are ageists and I am unable to get ft work. I watch my parents age and not appreciate all they have. I wish I had what they did. I cry more now and wish I could go home but there is no home for me. Today is one of those tough days.

My score is 22. With my husband having early onset Alzheimer's and other health issues and two children with special needs, it is hard to feel good and concentrate on things that need to be done. I am struggling with the need to work or to stay at home because of the need for insurance or need for medications for my son who is 15 and just got out of the mental hospital. My husband is just ready to give up and has said that he had hoped he would not know anything by the time our circumstances got this bad. Yes, I am at the end of my rope!

My score was a 22. I have my parents 84 and 74 living with me and a handicapped husband in a wheelchair. I'm 50 yrs. old and worn out emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I believe a have to break a promise of taking care of my mom for ever. I am so burnt out! Its been three heart attaches, dementia, congestive heart failure, Alzheimers, along with being bipolar all her life. I started when she was 63 and she is now 83. She never sleeps even with meds, she can be nice, she can get nasty. She is incontinent now. I am now 55. She has helped us tons paying bills. It is my full time job taking care of her and she does pay me, its how we pay certain bills. But I want a life.............I want to run a way and breath and just live the rest of my life. I have brothers who never come to see her. I am with her 24/7 now as she can not be left alone. I do pay someone 25 dollars an hour so I can leave for two hours once a week. I love her dearly, I just do not want to care for her anymore. I want to visit her with a happy face !

I took the 12 question quiz the score I got isn't on there it was so low the lowest is the 17 I got lower than that yeah I'm burn out big time and I see no relief in sight I actually told my husband I was leaving him to his mother because I can't deal with her anymore I've gone through my mother and father I don't have to do this but I love him and right now I really don't know if I do or not love him that is I don't know what to do anymore the doctor she seems to think I need nothing to learn the 12 steps to relieve stress that's all she says to me I can't talk to nobody because there's no one I can talk to I don't have any friends anymore my life is my husband his mother in the cat that's all I have

I am 45 mother of 4 grown children my youngest is 18 207 6ft 1 mentality of a 2 year old autistic and epileptic puts holes in the walls throws tables can't wipe his behind can't bathe himself it is like having a giant 2 year old I am tired my husband and I are best friends we got married at 16 and 18 it's the only thing that keeps us going but it's hard my mom has lung cancer can't take much more

im so overwhelmed, I'm 26 and I'm still living at home taking care of my sick parents. I was adopted at only a few days old and now that my parents are a lot older because they adopted me when they were middle-aged they have health problems. I have my sister but she has a child and her own stress, i have a brother who is married and has 3 kids so the role has gone to me to be there for them constantly, and of course i love them, but I'm so burned out already and obv they aren't getting any younger. I do want to live my own free separate life from them. Have a successful career and relationship but I'm so focused on helping them that i feel like I'm losing myself with everything including my own depression i deal with. Currently I'm unemployed and left my last job suddenly because of the lack of sleep and stress i was under. I have so much i want to do in life, and yes i am still young but sometimes this all just feels way too overwhelming and at times i just want to cry. I have faith and hope that things will turn around, at some point. But the pain and sadness make me feel completely insane sometimes. Like I'm losing my mind. I'm just writing this because i need to get it out someway. I just feel done but i keep going even though i feel extremely burdened and upset.

im so overwhelmed, I'm 26 and I'm still living at home taking care of my sick parents. I was adopted at only a few days old and now that my parents are a lot older because they adopted me when they were middle-aged they have health problems. I have my sister but she has a child and her own stress, i have a brother who is married and has 3 kids so the role has gone to me to be there for them constantly, and of course i love them, but I'm so burned out already and obv they aren't getting any younger. I do want to live my own free separate life from them. Have a successful career and relationship but I'm so focused on helping them that i feel like I'm losing myself with everything including my own depression i deal with. Currently I'm unemployed and left my last job suddenly because of the lack of sleep and stress i was under. I have so much i want to do in life, and yes i am still young but sometimes this all just feels way too overwhelming and at times i just want to cry. I have faith and hope that things will turn around, at some point. But the pain and sadness make me feel completely insane sometimes. Like I'm losing my mind. I'm just writing this because i need to get it out someway. I just feel done but i keep going even though i feel extremely burdened and upset.

I think I went off the chart. I am currently sick - staying in bed mostly - and had a home care worker to come ( rarely) and I simply asked them to be alert and let the poor woman in. Well, she stood outside and had to call two times before they opened the door. After all the things I do, they cannot even do one simple thing to make my life easier while I am sick? Doc says my blood pressure has suddenly went into the high category. Wonder why?

my score was 29. I guess that means I have burnout. need help. I know I am not alone as being a caregiver. I appreciate other peoples comments on what they are going thru.

Just a note which has nothing to do with content, only with the enumeration on the scoring system: The "A" "B" "C" "D" which is noted in the scoring for evaluation disappears in the actual quiz after question #1. Question #1 has an A, B, C, D. Questions #2-12 have choices listed as 1, 2, 3, 4. Most people probably figure it out, but when the webpage is edited next, you might want to re-insert the A, B, C, D option enumeration system to make it consistent with your scoring system notes. The test itself is quite useful.

When my husband and I got married he was a diabetic and visually impaired but use to cook and do everything for himself. For the last 21 years I have been doing everything. Three years ago he ended up in the hospital with kidoacidosis (condition with diabetes) now he has memory problems and problems with urinating to the point he has to wear pad and diapers. I am suffering with exaustion and I am totally burnt out. I have watched him go from being active to nothing. I love him and just need a break and not think for the both of us.

Thankyou petrin56,I needed that pep talk,its so true,sometimes going with the flow is very difficult,We need to know its good for us to laugh and to cry and not feel guilty about it

I know I am TOAST,I put myself last for so long I am paying for it now.I never thought I would take antidepressants,St.Johns wort helpedquite abit,but the deep sadness is returning and I need to swallow my pride and get help.Having to care for a disabled husband and depression running in the family is a bad combination.

This makes ZERO sense. I Add up the score and there was ONE question that was a,b,c, or d.; The others are NUMBERS. I added the NUMBERS and the ONE d and scored 43 and it says 48-42: Keeping your cool (low burnout risk) and that is [PROFANITY REMOVED BY WEBSITE STAFF].

I was caretaker for my Dad for six years until he passed in 2011. He hated me for "helping" or as he said "limiting him". It was brutal. Now I caretake my Mom who is 94 and wonderful. Nevertheless, stressful. The above caused a divorce after 30 years of marriage. More stress. I would love someone to talk to to keep my emotions equalized but I have no budget for it and can not find any free assistance. Any suggestions?

The instructions state to score your answers with the numeric value assigned to A,B,C, and D. However, only the first question has the answers listed as a,b,c, or d. The rest of the questions have the answers listed as 1,2,3, or 4. I think the instructions need to be revised. I do not see an accurate "total" can be obtained. This is a major oversight for a published article.

I scored a 16. I'm surprised it was so high. I've been taking care of my father and then my mother for the past 14 years. Not at once, thank goodness, but one right after another. It started with my father's coronary and subsequent bypass, from which he never fully recovered and ended with his death 5 years ago. Even as he was still in hospice, my mother started to get increased health problems and eventually developed dementia. She has now been in hospice herself, at home also, for 8 months now but the end is almost "imminent". Weeks or days. I don't know how I've done this. Outside of hospice, which is 3 hourly visits a week for wound care and bathing help and supplies, it's all on me. I love my mom and it is a labor of love but my health is gone. I weigh 85 pounds. (My mother now weighs a little over 50Ibs so it works). I used to be, at my 'fattest', a normal size 3/4 at 115, five foot three. I don't eat much because I'm never hungry. I try to drink enough water that I don't dehydrate. Not much sleep a night for several years now. And there's the house and the bills and working. I can't do a conventional 40 hour week so I work 3 part time jobs. I've been incredibly lucky to have found 3 with flexible hours that let me take care of my mother. But I am getting a lot of the listed symptoms. I've been forgetting to pay bills. But at least we have food. I look like crap. But I don't care.

I scored 12. I am so burnt out I could scream. My boyfriend and I care for his mother, and she refuses to help herself. She completely dependent on us for everything. She refuses to shower or bathe "because she doesn't want to" ( it's been 3 years since she washed her hair and it smells like puke) She refuses any type of help because "they aggravate her" . I have health issues to deal with and she is so UNCARING to me that she tells me "to stop acting like that". I have cervical radiulopathy with thoracic spinal fusion and possibly looking at having back surgery, and she doesn't care about that. All she thinks about is herself and wants people to feel pity and sorry for her. She's mean, hateful, demanding, greedy, stingy, and doesn't care who she hurts as long as she benefits from everything. I have no life outside this house. I lost friends because of her, I can't go anywhere unless we fine someone to stay with her. We want out of this so damn bad, that I've thought of just leaving, but I don't have the money. We are so STRESSED. My boyfriend feels the same way I do, the stress is killing us. WE NEED HELP NOW!

I scored 21. But this is because I am caring for a special needs 16 year old that is non verbal and has severe learning disabilities. He can't dress himself, tend to hi own persnal needs, is not potty trained, and pretty much depends on me for everything. Have a quiz for this one too, Oh by the way I am 67 years old!

I scored 12. I am so thankful for finding this group. I too am so tired of hospital emergency rooms and stays. They are constant. My husband is end stage liver disease . He wants me to be home or sitting in chair at hospital all the time. He makes me feel guilty if I try to get some sunshine or walk. I used to walk 4-6 miles everyday and take my vitamins and I was very social plus I love to volunteer. All gone from my life. I total forget my vitamins because his medications have to be first . Don't know what to do .

Thank you for letting me vent. My Dr. doubled my BP med and prescribed Wellbutrin, which I will NOT take. WILL start with your recommended 5 steps to relieve stress and continue my search for a support group so I don't feel so alone.

MOTHER: "I'm deaf." ME: Weeks of research and appointments to replace her 2 yr old $6,800 hearing aids with high tech blue tooth that boosts specific frequencies (like Rx equilizers). EAR DR: Moderate hearing loss MOTHER: "I can't hear a thing." OBSERVATIONS: She hears every whisper and watches Jerry Springer with her blind eyes and the volume so low I've thought she had the tv on mute.

MOTHER: "I'm blind". EYE DR: 15% vision loss (macular degeneration). ME: Weeks of research and appointments to get her high-tech corrective lenses with imbedded prisms that redirect incoming images to un-scarred 85% of her retina. MOTHER: "I can't see a thing. I need a white cane." OBSERVATIONS: She has no problem reading other people's mail or price tags at Belks sale.

My mother in law if suffering from bladder cancer. My wife and I have been stating with her round the clock, but only for a few months. This may not seem like much, but the whole situation is making me very depressed. I work and have some escape from the day to day care, but my wife is pretty much always there. We are both in recovery and that outlets helps us some but I still feel like I am drowning at times.

Sighhhh,,,,I scored a 13 and to be honest , I don't even have the energy to type what's going on in my life. I just like to open this website and read things people write just to be sure I'm not being selfish when I'm too tired, short tempered and all that good stuff. I no longer have a life of my own. My only relief is being able to go to work everyday (even though I have to run home at lunchtime everyday)

I scored as low as possible, a 12. If it weren't for our children, I would probably have lost my mind. I love my husband, but not his disabilities or the lingering problems. I knew when we married (this was several years after his diagnosis) that our vows included "in sickness and in health". Only the sickness part is what has happened. 11 years dealing with nonstop ailments that have no cure, and new problems arising have made me reach a point where I want to run away. I'm 35, and my husband is 45 and his disabilities come from his military service in Desert Storm. They did not give him any trouble until 11 years after the war as he was one of the guinea pigs that experimental pesticide injections were given and he was also forced to take the PB pills. I am tired of staying at home all the time. Luckily our kids are school aged, but so often I feel alone, because I don't take care of myself, and I am constantly doing things for my husband. We never know what is going to happen, and now add memory problems, I am ready to scream. I want a normal life back, a life that doesn't involve constant doctor visits, setting up medications, not doing anything as a family because he doesn't feel good, or his new medication has adversely affected him. I want to go back in time and warn myself about this present time. This is not the life I want or need. I'm tired of not having a life that's enjoyable. Please don't think of me as horrible, I have dealt with a lot in my life, from watching my mom be physically and mentally abused by my dad when I was a toddler, becoming homeless when he left, having to move in with my Grandmother for a short time before we were able to get our own place. Dealing with being sexually abused at 9 by a relatives excuse of a father, seeing my mom go through another bad marriage and the fool commiting suicide in our driveway. Watching the same Grandmother lose her battle with ALS after being diagnosed only a few months before. I want to life with no abnormalities, to be pretty boring actually. It's going to happen though, not at this time. Maybe one day, but not now. Tired of feeling lost and hopeless.

I scored 25, but I don't think that I'm pretty burnout. Almost all my stresses are thanks to my children ^) and actually one article about how to protect kids online helps me to be more calm.

I went from 22 when I took this last, nearly 2 years ago.... I'm at 16 now.... Losing ground.... I've been at this for nearly 6 years, the first year and a half was intense overseeing everything but the last 4.5 years have been complete and utter insanity... The feeling of being overwhelmed comes in waves... I feel it, melt down, feel like I'm coming apart and then, a new day dawns and I'm re-energized... the frequency has increased but my mission is clear.... I'm not ok, but that's ok....I will be again one day.... As always, Peace, love and big hugs to all of us on this roller coaster we call a journey of care giving..... Roger

I scored 13. Have a 27 yr old daughter who has Down Syndrome and is non-verbal. Just placed my 93 year old mother into a care facility, she has been legally blind for 15 years. Right before Christmas I started having panic attacks. My brain was unraveling. My husband works full-time and I was almost hysterical when he would return from work. Saw my physician who said, "I wondered how long you could last." Lost 30 lbs since my last checkup which was good but not sleeping or eating, jumping every time the phone rang, not keeping up with household chores...I was on my way to the psychiatric ward. In the midst of this I got very sick, went to the ER and found out my gallbladder was gangrenous because I kept dealing with the pain because I had no help. Now, I take Xanax, as needed. 2.5 mg stops the panic attacks. My mom will be out of money in about three months and my husband was forced out into early retirement 3/2015. Without my faith I'd never make it. God Bless the Caregivers!

I answered D on the majority of the questions. I have been working every day and night for 3 years with not one day off. I really am burned out...

Chevychik, I hear you! I have been feeling the same way lately, but would not have the courage to put it in words the way you did. Sounds to me like you are burnt toast like I am. I want to encourage you to take heart, because it sounds as though it will all change soon. Life will get better.

I scored a 17. Seen a counselor and my dr. And nothing is helping. I'm sad all the time. Is there a point of relief out there. I've been caring for my husband for almost 26 years. But totally full time in the last two. He has early stage dementia, seizure disorder and recently had two brain bleeds, a PE that almost killed him and a stroke. I am as you say overwhelmed.

I scored a 23...i have 3 children and a step daughter!!! my 14 month old son has tetralogy of fallot with pulmonary stenosis vsd and mapcas as well as 22q aka digeorge syndrome...i am a stay at home mom i also have a a 8 yr old daughter with adhd and a12 yr old with dyslexia!!! i am so completely overwhelmed most days...i feel depressed and i dont sleep much at night...i resent my husband because he works all the time and doesnt help much around the house!!! we never get any alone time and im starting to question him for the first time ever!!! i spent the first yr of my sons life in and out of the hospital with 2 open heart surgeries...i know i need to go talk to someone!!! i hate feeling like this

I scored 25. I have two children on the ASD spectrum that I am homeschooling. My husband helps, but we get almost no outside help from family or breaks. I have been feeling extremely stressed out, anxious, depressed and resentful lately. I really don't know where to go for help. If I try and talk to family they shut down because they either can't or don't want to help and they see any venting from me as a cry for help - which if I'm being honest it is. I wouldn't be able to get professional help because I would have no one to watch the kids while I got it. Some days are better than others.

It eight years of being a care provider to my Mother with ALZ/Dementia and fatigue is still my constant companion, compounded by our two and half old granddaughter that lives with us 3 to 4 days per week. I always say we have diapers or pull ups and Mother's Depends in various sizes, they call me the sandwich generation and I get it. There are days that I've felt so tired that I actually feel like crying. I usually sit down and sip a cup of coffee or tea and just slow it down, do some breath exercises, and eventually I get it back together to deal with my next instant priority, I say instant priority, as they can change in a heartbeat. Plus aside from the daily care, there are meals to be prepared, cleaning that is critical to keeping the house clean and sanitized, laundry, meal planning, shopping for groceries, etc, it's constant with not enough deep rest to compensate for the work that I do on a daily basis. I think that after all of this time I have adjusted well and I am a very organized person. I also have a bit more help from hospice, I no longer have to giver Mother her showers that is provided three days a week and I now have to volunteers that come to my house twice a week for three to four hours to simply stay with Mother and talk and visit. That was I can actually leave if I want or I can very simply go into our master bedroom and take a nap. Sometimes I will feel like writing or outlining a new project that I want to work on. It's so important to simply have some me time as my friends say your free time should be me time! I'll toast to that!

Caregiving is many things reading those who have left comments. One of the ways to not have care giver fatigue is to own a long term care plan. This will allow those who will be responsible for caregiving to supervise rather then have to be part or full time. There are other types of care or critical care plans which maybe of useful.

Just so that everyone understands that this test can give different results on different days, I used to be solidly in the Toast category. Taking the test today (10/2/14), I am a 32 - Feverish. What a change! I used to care for 3 - Hubby, Mom, and Dad. Now there's just Dad, and we have 24/7 caregivers with him - on his dime, not ours. He and Mom planned very well for their sunset years, so Dad can afford this. He will probably be gone by the end of the year, the way that things are going. It will be difficult to be parentless, but they will be in a much better place, and will no longer have those aches and pains, plus they will be together

My score today (10/2/14) was 23. That's only because I don't drink, smoke or use drugs. I'm fighting the urge to smoke and/or drink after 27 years sobriety and 19 years no ciggs. Otherwise score would have come out scarier. What I find frustrating on these support sites is everyone seems so caring and loving and going to miss their loved one. I won't. I'm sick of caring for my mother. I know that sounds harsh or unfeeling, but not everyone is happily loving their dying parent. My mother was always dependent (never drove a car, never stood up to my alcholic father, was afraid of so many things) and I'm here.....almost losing my own home cuz I can't work in order to take care of her. The sacrifice is huge. And please don't tell me "well your mother took care of you until you were 18." My response to that is "I've been taking care of her since my Dad died in 1997 even when she was still healthy! If I could put her in a care center I would. I'm sick of looking at these four walls and a five minute "break" for myself, as suggested by the expert, here will not remove my frustrations and resentments. I need five months off not five minutes to take a break for myself. I've been caring for her in her home, while mine almost goes into foreclosure, She is almost 91 years old!! Her dementia is slow, scaring her, confusing for her even on Risperidone and changing her diapers is not cute and cuddly like a baby. How much longer can I do this? I'm afraid to think about it. Don't make any suggestions.......I've thought of everything to get more help. Hospice is coming in but sometimes it's like having guests twice a week causing more stress. Mom still walks weighing 79 pounds, eats, talks (garbled), sleeps and is wet up to her back every morning from foul smelling urine due to her meds. The smells, sounds of slippers shuffling across the floor are haunting me. So caregiving, from another type of perspective, is not a wonderful thing.

Uh-oh. I scored a 29. I had a feeling I was skating on thin ice. Thanks for this. I have been feeling so exhausted all of the time and really distracted. I just don't feel like myself most of the time. :-(

At one point in my caregiving, I was dealing with my husband (severe stroke that impaired only his judgement and partially one arm), my mother with moderate dementia, and my father with moderate dementia of a type that was atypical. My husband, obviously lived in my home with me, Mom and Dad started out 165 miles away, then we moved them to be 10 minutes from the house. I had very little "free" time. Now, I just have Dad and my own health issues to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one with brain damage, but deep down, I know that I do not. I am so sorry for the myriad of problems that you are having to deal with. We are always here for you to vent, laugh, cry, dissolve into a puddle on the ground with - we are the constant in your life right now.

Ok, just scored a 12 on the burnout quiz. I have not 1 but 2 terminal family members. My 24 yr old son who is in end stage Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy and a husband with stage 4 metastatic head and neck cancer. I am loosing my mind! I cannot find ANYONE who is dealing with a twofold situation. Anyone out there who has a similar situation? To add to this, I have a 77 yr old father with Schizophrenia and stage 3 COPD. Help!!!!!!!!!!!

I am toast just took the test.....No one wants to help....the ones who have power of attorney do not want to step up the plate and help it has been me for the last three years....I know its my boyfriends mom and I know I must watch her while he is at work but its getting to me too much for my daughter and I....now with my daughter back in school it is harder on me my mom in law does not like me to clean and when I do she thinks I am leaving her I cannot cook foods to please her I cannot do anything right and I have been to the Dr. I have ulcers and I even had to quit college is this right am I wrong what do I do please help I have hospice that comes three days a week to bath her and nurse that comes weekly to check on her but I need more help on the weekends when I leave the house to go get groceries she wants to sit in the car I have to make her come into the store with me.......and then she gets all upset again I have to call her son about 9 times a day to call her and calm her down all she wants to do is lay on the couch which is no healthy I try and make her walk and she just gets violent and very aggatiated

Who can I talk with about handling my wife's ALZ 's personality problems at 6-8pm most every night that drive me up the wall very quickly?

My situation doesn't hold the light for you other corresondents. My wife and I are pushing 90. She can walk a limited distance with a walker, wheelchair for longer. She requires dipper changing night and day but she weighs only 100. The frequency is the problem. I select her clothes and dress her, prepare a light breakfast and lunch. Dinner is provided. But this has been going on for only 2 years. My situation is hardly an honorable mention compared to your other correspondents,.The problem must be my reaction which ain't too good. Bless you all. My payers are with you>

I have cared for my mother for 20 years,she was a multiple amputee due to scleroderma. She lost all her fingers and both legs,she needed help.She passed away 8 years ago,my dad immediately had both knees replaced and was doing very well,until he was released from the hospital, and he decided to plop down in his recliner and make me do everything for him! Now he refuses yo even stand up to pee...he will not get out of his recliner even to sleep.He stands up to medicate his bedsores, rearrange his cushions,but he will not take a single step.He completely disregards my pleas to get up and at least poop in the toilet instead of a potty chair.I brought in a physical therapist a year ago who had him up and walking well,when her job was done and she left,right back to his recliner he went again.My dad is 70 ,a type 2 diabetic and has no other health problems. I am 46,never married and no children, because I have had to care for my parents my entire adult life.I can't put my dad in a rest home or I will be homeless, this is HIS house,which he constantly reminds me,I was raised here,but it is NOT my home,I have had rheumatoid arthritis since I was 17,even his doctor said I am in worse shape than my dad. I am beyond burned out..I am fed up,sick and tired,hopeless, trapped,tired of dumping pee and poop, being his personal servant, knowing he can care for himself, but he simply likes being waited on.I am his legal care provider, So I truly am trapped here,even on holidays I have to slave for my dad.I need help,I have given all I can...being in the hospital is a joy for me...there I am the one being waited on,my food cooked and brought to me,I can sleep when I want to,as long as I want to... But knowing this is going to go on for many more years is far more than I can mentally bare...please help....

Maybe it is the mourning process, but I am so wore out. I scored a 21 on here. So tired and I am getting sleep but not enough. I worry that when things get worse for my Mother in law it will fall to me to take care of her. I just can't anymore. I did so little for my Father in law and she will be worse.

Hello anonymous, Sorry to hear about the situation you described. Please contact your local Area Agency on Aging for referral to low-cost and free caregiver support resources in your community: http://www.caring.com/local/area-agency-on-aging NAMI.org may also have some offline resources to suggest as well: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support Everyone: We invite you to join the conversations in our online support groups. We appreciate your feedback about this article in this comments section, but you'll find more interactive dialogue in the online support groups: http://www.caring.com/support-groups Thanks!

I am burnt out but lack the cooperaction of my husband, the avalib lity of services or the money I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MY HUSBAND, i HAVE MADE SOME SERUOUS MISTAKES THAT NOW ONE CAN GIVE THE ANSWERE i NEED TO PREVENT FROM MAKING OWRSE ONE. i HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO GO OR WHO TO TALK WITH THE MENTAL HEALTH SEVEICES HAVE ABUSED ME PHYCIALLY AND WITH MEDICATIONS i AM LUCKY TO BE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSED i HAVE REFUSSED THE MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES THAT THEY HAVE TRIED TO FORDCE ON ME i WAS TYRING TO GET HELP FOR EVERY SPECTUM OF SERVICES TO HELP WITH A FINANCIAL CRISES THAT NO ONE WAS WILLING TO HELP ME WITH i HAVE CHARGES AGAINST ME THAT COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF ONLY SOMONE WOULD HAVE BEEN WILLING TO HELP I feel trapped in my circumstance and my inability to trust anyone I have medical problems that no one can give my the anweres to and have no where to turn,my blanket of dirt is becoming more that a hope full comfort!

Hi anonymous that is saying "i'm toast". Just because you promised you would never put him in a nursing home, doesn't mean that you will be able to keep that promise. It may be time to let professionals take over. Find an Assisted Living or Nursing Home that offers respite care, and give yourself 2 weeks to take care of you - no visits, no phone calls to Grandfather. You will crash and burn, and Grandfather will live longer than you will, which puts him in a worse place. Take care of yourself for no one can or will replace you, and you may find that Grandfather is perfectly happy in the place he's in.

Reading that someone knows the areas of caregiving

I'm toast. I'm 28 years old and have completely given up my life for my 84 year old grandfather, I have been doing this for 2 years. He is getting horrible. He throws temper tantrums if I am not here and won't listen to anybody except me. He screams if I'm Not in the room with him, even if I'm just making dinner for him. I do absolutely nothing for myself. Sometimes I realize I've been in the same clothes for 3 days. I feel horrible and guilty if I leave, even when he has someone with him. I cry all the time and constantly wish it would just end. I promised I would never put him in a nursing home and I just don't know what to do. I am missing out on my life. No career, husband, children. And I can't do any of those things because of my grandfather. I'm literally about to lose my mind.

taking this quiz prompted me to think about what this ordeal is doing to my mental and physical health. Indeed the "burnout" can slowly develope and I have been aware of this occuring for some time now - and trying my best of find any way to deal with it....checking out resources for help - talking with social workers,physicians, VA / nonVa resources (pretty difficult to get answers without getting referred to the "next" person over and over - figuring that at some point I will come up the the "person with answers"). Meanwhile I certainly do get overwhelmed with the issues at hand ---caring for my husband (diagnosed with Lewy body dementia - a roller coaster ride for sure) and every detail of daily life. Have not figured just how to carve out that "me time" which I fully realize is important. (As I write this I'm thinking that I should get up from here and do something while he is asleep.)

Well, on a positive level, this is the first time I've ever been regarded as "too hot to handle", w00t w00t! Ok, in all seriousness, apparently I'm in dire need of respite care before I approach the "Toast" stage. I wish I could say that's already in place, but I simply do not know the first place to turn to for any help or guidance there or how to find something that won't cost me an arm and a leg. Ideally, I would like something that might even be covered under my parent's insurance! BTW, it's just past midnight and it's only been for about an hour that I've been able to sit down to relax, and I've got my bottle of sleeping pills right by my side to take in fifteen minutes so it'll kick in by about 1:00 AM and I'll be able to get the four hours and 45 minutes that comprise my nightly work week's sleep (though I do get an hour to nap after coming home, so I guess I should be fortunate to get that). BTW, I had severe problems with depression as an adolescent and suspect it's made a comeback, and fully intend on addressing that with my primary care doctor when I meet with her the Friday after next.

Roger, For many folks it is very difficult to accept or be accepting of their feelings, emotions, and or vulnerabilities. I agree with you in the fact that one must really sit with one's emotions and to except what you are feeling, it's not to say that you should judge your emotions, but to be one with them. I believe that our vulnerabilities, and our emotions are true gifts to embrace, not to simply dismiss or give zero significance to in life, far from it, it is the ultimate expression of our humanness, truly something to be valued. It is unfortunate that we live in an society that looks to the expressing of our feelings as some form of impairment; it's better not to express, I completely disagree with that concept, in fact I know that it is the path to depression and angst in life. I agree with you 100 percent that once you allow yourself to be with your feelings, good or bad, it is easier to let them pass, without judgment and or assigning negative significance to your emotions. I want others to know that it is so important to look at your life as whole, and that this part of caring for another is only a part of who you are, although at times, it is relentless on your time and energy. It is important to remind yourself that this disease is not what defines you, it is only a part of your life, one must hold on to their separate identity, do not let this experience become your only experience in life, I say reclaim now, and never leave your life, give value to it right now, because the people that are living this, are truly heart first responders in life, if you lose your identity in the process, you can't really be there for the person that is counting on you for help in their lives. I too send hugs to all ~ and prayers of strength and wisdom to have the ability to place value on yourself and your contributions in the caring process, you matter, and your value is immeasurable to others that are in need.

To all the stressed, overwhelmed and feeling guilty for having feelings. When we're happy, we take the time to be with those feeling so why not take the time to be with those feelings too, cry, be angry, and then move forward as you all know you will. After allowing yourself to be with those feelings its easier to let them go... You know what you mission is and it will not be forever and one day you will reclaim and reenter your life. You'll feel good about all you've done and will look back with pride in yourself. Many hugs, lots of prayers to all of us. Roger

your welcome honey, remember to take care of yourself, to nurture yourself, value yourself. I can feel you frustration towards your brother and sister, I too have two brothers, one is living hand to mouth, in recovery a drug addiction, he lives in another state, his recovery has now become his addiction, and he lives in a small world with zero responsibility to anything. My other brother lives in yet another state, yet, he is very successful in his profession, married to my beautiful sister in law, and I have to precious nephews that are 17 and 13, the live large, beautiful home, new cars every year, front row Laker tickets, trips to Maui, for vacations, housekeepers, you name it they have it, yet they offer zero contribution to the care of Mother, which I have always found quite interesting, when they made the decision that their lives are more valuable then that of my husband and myself. I spent several years completely pissed of at both sides, I was the one being victimized by their choices, and it really hurt, it deeply hurt, and I held on to those feelings of resentment for a long time, because I did not ask for this situation, far from it, we had raised our family we, had worked for many years to be in the position of slowing down our professional lives, in order to travel and simply enjoy our lives together. I eventually sought out professional counseling that helped me deal with the feelings of resentment that I felt towards my brothers. I completely detached my feelings of abandonment and had a huge light bulb moment when I decided that their decisions are theirs to own, not mine, one day they will have to live with their choices. I do not have any expectations of help or anything else from them, and it's much better for me, I'm a very strong willed person, and I am accomplished in my work, I have loving husband, we have been married for 33 years, a beautiful adult son, and daughter in law and a precious 16 month old granddaughter that is the joy and light of our lives, Roxie has been a blessing from God ~ the point I'm getting to is I will not let this disease nor my commitment to care for my Mother define me, it is a part of my life, during this period of time, but it is not the total sum of my life and or my accomplishments in life. As far as what choice my siblings and other extended family has made, well it is safe to say it is viewed by me, as their lack in character and or lack of a quality moral compass that is not a part of my being, so, I have learned to completely detach from their choices, and I no longer have the feelings of hurt and abandonment, our relationships have changed, we are not as close as we once were, but that is the reality of consequences that were from choices that were not by me, they can live with their choices, they haven't had a problem with up to this point in time, so be it. In the end I will be lie my head down and rest with peace in my heart, for knowing that I was here to provide the care, and to witness the final stages of Mothers life, I will have those memories, they will not. Please write whenever you need to visit or need support ~ I'm here :)

Thank you Boisegem. You made me feel a little better. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I "escape" into my own room (like right now) and sit on the computer to vent to all of you. I have a brother who hasnt come to see Dad in 2 yrs and a sister who is too busy drinking to bother coming over here just to see how Dad is. Neither of them even call. I have to thank God for my 34 yr old son and my daughter-in-law who DO help me with things around here, but only twice last yr and twice the year before that did I leave to do something just for fun. I am causing my own distress by not ever trying to get out for awhile and relax. I appreciate your kind words and gracious understanding. God bless you!

Dear Believe Please do not be so hard on yourself, your human, and your feelings are completely normal considering the level of care that your Dad requires. I've been caring for my Mom for the past five plus years, she has Alzheimer's, and she lives with my Husband and myself in order to provide the care that she requires. It is very difficult and as time continues on, there are days when I personally feel exactly like you described. Yesterday was one of those days. I no longer engage in discounting my feelings of wishing that I had my life back as it was before, in fact, I think that is healthy and it normal. Why wouldn't you want to spend time with your grandchildren, and our your friends, or just have some "me" time, it's natural, it's your humanness and it's perfectly normal. What wouldn't be normal would to think otherwise, to simply give in, and surrender to the situation at hand, that is not healthy, it doesn't mean that you are self centered by wanting to experience your life, you matter, and your life matters. Value yourself, and except and validate your feelings and emotions. What I have learned from my personal experience is that if you wait for others to rescue you from the position of caring for your Dad, it's not going to happen, you must be your own advocate, what your doing by providing this level of care for your Dad is amazing on many levels . . . but that does not mean you are not entitled to have the feelings of overwhelm and fatigue. I do, and I'm not in any way sorry for feeling that way, in fact, I'm happy that I have the ability to feel, to still know in my heart that my life matters, and so does yours. My Mother is progressing in her disease, and the time commitment required to care for her is relentless, in addition she is forever giving her opinion on everything, she is constantly speaking her mind, regardless of the situation, and to make things even worse, she cannot remember her actions, five minutes from the time she has said or acted in a very unforgiving manner. I constantly have to remind myself and others, it is the disease, you can hate the disease, but must have empathy for the person. It's hard, very hard, and there are days, such as yesterday, when I was absolutely driven to the brink of no return, that I thought to myself, that's it, I can no longer care for her, this is simply too much for anyone to endure, I want my life back, I want to enjoy life as I knew it before, and I am making a sacrifice that she will never have the ability to appreciate, not now, not ever. I pray for peace in my heart, and everyday is a new day, especially in light of the fact that Mother has zero memory of her actions prior to the new day. When the time comes and I can no longer continue to provide this level of care, I will make the decision to place her in an extended care facility. This is something that I have avoided in the past, but I know that there will more than likely come a time in the future that I will have to make that transition. I will know that I have done everything within my ability to provide the care she needed within my ability, when I can no longer continue, it is what it is, and I will not feel guilty about moving forward with my life. Please remember that your life matters, your a beautiful being that is full of compassion and love, but you must care for yourself, and you must not be so hard on yourself, your doing something that few people would even consider to do, and for that in itself, makes you a very special person. Please know that others who walks this path, know exactly what your feeling, and it's normal to want to live your own life ~ give yourself the love and kindness that you bestow on your Dad. Your worth it ~

I scored a 20, better than expected I would. I am a GROUCH most of the time these days. Dad has been ill since '08. Cant walk, feed himself, sit without support, or even wipe his own nose. Diapers need changed almost every couple hours round the clock. He can not roll over nor hold himself up when I roll him. He is a big tall man, 6 ft 2 or 3 and 210. I feel sorry for myself often because I cant leave to take my grandkids anywhere, spend time with a friend or even just go shopping for an afternoon. I know that's ridiculous. I have never been a self centered person nor have I ever been selfish, but I feel that way now. I mumble under my breath that I just wish I could have my life back. I am ashamed for thinkiing that way. Dad is a wonderful person and father. I love him dearly. But this past yr has pushed me into a state of mind where I wish it would all end. I know when dad is gone I will have a broken heart and wish I had him back. Why do I have to feel this way? I dont want to, but just cant seem to help it. I pray for patience and strength. It just isnt coming to me. God bless you all for the sacrifices and for putting your own life on hold for so, so long. You are all great people and I wish I had the attitude I started out with when I brought Dad here to take care of him.

I'm so tired of trying to care for spouse, & having people treat me like crap. Life is very sad, & tough. People don't get it unless they live it.

Croroc, We do everything at our own peril. I too have suffered several MS exaserbations through this but I will never stop until the journey is over. Sadly I've heard this and expereinced it all to often. I no longer trust my family to stay with Mom, to be able to meet the challenges that go with this. I found this out when Dad was still with me. A situation took place and I was called when church was letting out to come straight home. I love my siblings but I am very dissapointed in their actions. I make excuses for them in that they are going through their own feelings with this, be we will end this journey with the knowlege we did all we could, right or wrong. Our conciences wil be clear. Yes we will ask ourselves if we did every thing we could and perhaps we didn't but we will know that we did it all with love. Was it perfect, probably not, could it ever be perfect, I think not, but we did it with every ounce strength we could muster up... every minute,every day, every night, every month and every year.

Kathleen, I think the only way to turn it around is to change our own attitudes and perspectives of whats going on. If you change how you think about things, you see things differently. I've found that reaching out in places like this, and the select few who at least understand your journey and allow you to vent with confidentiality will at least give you a bit of a charge to continue forward. Keeping a journal is helpfull to as I find by putting it in writing validates you and charges you as well. It may just be a temporary boost, but it will get you through the next hours or days. By not expressing it outwardly, with out knowing it we are stuffing it. I may be a big boy but I can only stuff so much. While putting the words to paper/on a word document on the compter, your feelings of sadness and desperation are eased, even if just a little. I also find that no matter the outlet, sadly they may just be a temporary fix and sadly too our (caregivers), hearteaches, sadness and desperation is all part of our lives right now, but some day all our tears will turn into dancing. Our precious memories will dominate our thoughs and these bad feeling we have now will fade quickly. Behind even the darkest clouds, the sun does shine brightly. Love and hugs to everyone on this journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that I just made myself look like a total bitch, didn't I? But my mother IS clever and I cannot cope with her. My doctor says that my mum is simply not healthy for me. So what happens if I decide to look after myself? I lost my entire life after my husband died - my job, my home, my unborn child, my dog, all the house insurance etc., cancer. And I know that it all sounds about me, me, me. But now I'm looking after my mother who barely had time to worry over her own child as she was so busy looking after everybody else's. When I was a schoolgirl I was cooking meals and mopping up my mother's sick because my father couldn't be bothered to make an appearance. So as I have said, I'm quite sure that there will be a lot of better cares than I, but how do you get over the resentment of a totally barren life with your mother in order to make a new one with your husband who then dies at 45? And now I'm back at home looking after a woman who I have looked after since I was a teenager. But I was never allowed to say a word way back then because my mother couldn't stand the shame of being left alone . I just can't cope. So what do I do? I just keep on with the caring.

I still don't know whether my mother is a mild or moderate risk. She's so clever and I feel like a wee nyaff by comparison. But I have good qualifications and am considered to be empathic by my friends and family.

Every day I wake up, and the fact that I do awaken disappoints & disheartens me. I scored a 20. The suggestions under this score didn't do much, for they imply that there is someone to share the workload (the only nearby relative is also dealing with chronic pain, raising a normal teenager and his seriously autistic older brother. But he does send over dinner sometimes, and the nephew shovels snow. His plate is full. Respite care? Ha! The caregiven owns the home and makes the money. I live in the home, have severe chronic pain, and even if I wasn't too old to be employable, the pain issues make me iffy in terms of being able to show up for a job. So I receive sub-poverty disability checks from my archdiocese of NY former employer (where I was assaulted. I wasn't the only one, but I had the most serious injury by this patient, & they tried to blame it on me. As if sitting at a desk counting meds was a reason for an attack). So I've got nowhere to go, and the caregiven does not want strangers in the home. I've been at this for 14 yrs, from the slow, dragged-out death of my mother from cancer, to the transformation of my father from verbally abusive outbursts to dependence, verbal and occasional financial appreciation. But what good is money when you can't be away for more than an hour or two? MY time is spent doing housework, making law-salt meals, shlepping him to taxes, gathering his paperwork, cutting fingernails, cleaning bathroom bad aim, cooking, food shopping, having the Andy Griffith show blasted so loudly that there is nowhere in the house free from it. It is the soundtrack of my waking hours. Except for the fact that it would devastate my nephew, I would kill myself after my elderly dog dies. I don't see my friends who I used to visit a couple times a year because I can't get away. I don't see the few friends who live close, because I'm too depressed to be good company. I get finished with the caregiving and housework around 10PM, and who wants to get a call then?

You just confirmed we made the right choice. I scored 17 on this test. Two days ago I made arrangements for my mother-in-law to go into a care facility. She will be leaving in the next couple of day. I have been caring for her in our home for 6 months. My husband has supported me the best he can, but I have become a care giver to him also, lately as he has been hospital most of last week. Her other 3 sons have not given me any support. Two of them have made our lives worse by interfering and judging about what we are doing or not doing. They do not live in the same state. They never call me or my husband to ask what is going on or offer help. AT first I texted or emailed them a few times a week, or more if something was going on with her. Never any reply. Till one day I was called and screamed at to stop sending such long messages. Neither of them wanted to know. Their mother has Alzheimer's. On the phone with her, they tell her she doesn't have Alzheimer's and that We or her Drs. don't know what we're talking about. After my husband was bitten by her cat severely for the 3rd time, his mother was screaming at him for hurting the cat. He did not hurt the cat, but her son was bleeding from his arms and face as his mother was screaming at him. She called one of her other boys who promptly called the police to report domestic abuse. When the police arrived at our home, they saw the situation as what it was. One of the first questions they ask was how long she had had Alzheimer's. We can't take it anymore, time to throw in the towel.

Great advice!

A wise old woman friend of mine once told me and I quote, she said "if you're looking for help you need just look at the end of your sleeves". Expect nothing and everything you do get is icing on the cake...

croroc: Don't feel bad about the help issue You will be rewarded, if not in this life then the one to follow. I'm into my 6th year and haven't had a break yet. I don't need to worry about as that has already occured. I just bend over and say "thank you God....Give me another!" After all what's the worst that can happen?? Death? Death is not the worst. If its quick it's the BEST! You just do your best (whatever that is) If you have a critical famely member just tell them they can step in and take over. NEVER count on anyone's help and then you will NEVER be disapointed.

"Are You Heading for Caregiver Burnout?" No. I've already arrived. This is my 6th year and I burned out at least a year ago. When I go to bed I pray I won't wakeup and when I wakeup I pray for bedtime. My life is a living hell on earth.

I had forgotten some of the problems that could come up when beeing the only caregiver in the family.

good questions,but add do you have help from family or caregiver services?

I found this test through an article on MSN. I'm fairly new to the caregiver role compared to the comments of others I saw. It's been almost 3yrs for me. My husband suffered a severe mental break in 2010 and has been unable to work or do much of anything since. We have two small children (5 and 2) and I work full time. Most days I feel like a single parent with 3 kids. Even though it hasn't been all that long, I still scored a 27 on this test and I know I'm not being totally honest with myself with some of my answers, so it probably should be lower. I told my husband just last night that I knew I was depressed. I know it's from the stress of handling everyone and all of their needs, but I feel stuck and unable to do anything about it. I appreciate this little test, though. It gives me something to think about and discuss with my husband and family/friends. We had lots of help from family/friends in the beginning, but once he started to get to where he could handle caring for our kids for a little while during the day, all help disappeared. Anyway.... I need to add all of us caregivers to my prayers. I was told not too long ago that we are the silent and unseen angels tending to those in need.

I really didn't need the quiz to show me that I'm burnt out, but it helped to know the level. I do wish there was something that I could do about it, but I see no end in the near future. My father continues to get worse. I still have to care for the other 4 people I have to care for and there is no money to hire respite and no one to send my father to or have come and care for him in my home. It's all left up to me. He makes too much to apply for medicaid, but he was in the doughnut hole by last August. It will come even sooner this year. I received a call from the ALZ Association this morning and was told that their funds were being cut back, so instead of possibly seeing some relief this month, they had no idea when or if relief would be possible. This has effected every aspect of my life and have no clue what to do about it. As far as putting him in a home, it's not an option. The has a house, that he allows my mother (of which he's divorced from) to live in, since she has no other place to live. She cannot live with us! He also has about $28k in a mutual fund. That would be gone within a few months and I'd have no money to take care of my mother or the house that she resides in if something happened to that account. I feel like I'm stuck up sh&t creek without a paddle!

Would like to take the same test in 2 weeks to see how it compares.

I am going on my 12th year. My wife had a dog bite in 2001 and lost her left hand, all finger tips on right hand, and both legs below the knee. She just recently fell and hit her head, now has a brain bleed, orbital fracture of the left eye also with internal bleeding, almost died of pneumonia in hospital. Finally got off of the ventilator after 11 days only to suffer from sundowner syndrome. She has been in the hospital a month now and has a high white count due to an infection they cannot find. Due to her being disabled and suffering from delirium, no nursing home or rehab center in town wants to touch her, and she cannot be released to home because of a state law here, not even home health care, only a rehab type center. The doctors have no idea when she will even come close to being released. My wife's mother and brother live next door and i can't get them to lift a finger to help, just like last time around. Well thanks for letting me vent a bit. I just gotta hope tomorrow is a better day.

I didn't score too well on the burn-out test (14). I take two different anti-depressants and two different tranquilizers. It takes the edge off. January 2013 will be the start of care giver year 6. The only time I'm off is to go to my own doctor or dentist. Then I hire an agency person 18.35/hr.) to baby sit while I'm gone. I have no one to help me. I'm way past burn out. I wouldn't know what to do with respite care if it fell in my lap. I have had to put locks ref/freezer. Turn off power to the electric range and microwave. Remove hardware from basement door and two second floor bed rooms. Had to lock up all soap and some food products in the 1st floor closet. The list keeps growing.

Perhaps defining different types of caregiving, and what might denote these types.

To Wornout2: Yes, I've, already, lost my mind! Not even sure how I function at work, or, anywhere. We're strong!

I have been a caregiver for my mother and step-father for the last nine years. Last year ,stepfather endd up in the hospital,and now I am my mothers full time caregiver. I am married but donot have much time at home. I have other siblings but they do not help on a regular basis. I am so tired and I only see that things are going to get more difficult. I have nowhere to turn what do I do? Sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind.

CA-Claire, Thanks. Things have worsened. So sad, angry, & disgusted.

Wow - I was a total 12. On some level not a surprise as I keep thinking that I can't do this much longer and have thought that the only way out is down a path I never thought I would consider. I feel like a horrible daughter and find myself very angry at God, etc. that this has been thrust upon me. As if my childhood at the hands of my Mom was not enough. I don't know how to continue on with no relief in site. I have three siblings that do not even call my Mom on a regular basis so no chance of 'getting away'. I am past burnout, feeling like being a pile of ashes somewhere would be a step up.

So sorry to hear that Spockula63. I pray that soon you will be able to carve out a few minutes each day to mediate/pray and be able to set aside the burdens.

I'm beyond burnout. I'm totally fried! Cooked.

all of it My sister is taking care of our parents she is a very hard working and caring person

Fried! Dad lost his battle on July 5th at 7:15 am. I held him in my arms until he took his last breath. Though the anxiety leve has gone down some, there was no time to grieve. The memories of the last week now haunt my nights. Treasure every moment no matter how hard it gets as there will be a day you will wish you could have them back. Dad, now is your time to rest. I will take care of Mom until you come to take her home with you....

Told me where I stand.

If the question about cigarettes/coffee had said 'or sugar', I would have been toast. I am using sugar and/or sodas (full sugar as I can't eat sucralose) to ramp up my energy, and then of course, I crash. I'm amazed that I was only in the Too hot to handle category.

This quiz was interesting, sadly I answered mostly D's and C's. Some questions you should ask: - Do you often resent you employer for underpaying? (in your opinion.) - Do you show up at work right on shift, never early. - Do you start counting down the hour when you have 1 hour left before you 'shift ends'? - Do you get the sense that whomever you're caring for thinking you're less enjoyable then you once were? - Do you go right home and fall asleep? - Did you answer ''YES'' to most of my questions? Then you're at high-risk for burnout. LEAVE JOB NOW! (or when you find employment elsewhere)

I have Been a live in Care giver, For 3 Years, I Received $800.00 a month, with that, i had to buy food for myself, and the man i took care of, also over see all house Responsibility,make doctor appointments, drive to and from Doctors, Maintain Property,Watering, Painting,Make repairs, Basicly all.

approval for time out without feeling guilty ..that is what made me feel better when reading this..also the tips are very helpful..music does relax and/or energize depending on the need at the moment..so glad I found this site..keep up the good work!

Life is precious, Cherish every moment, because it can all be gone in a flash..... At 63 years of marrige, Mom and Dad still have it.........That picture says it all.....

She's at peace. When I deal with anxiety with Mom and Dad, I think of the many cherrished moments and pray that those special moments will carry me through the tough times..... and they usually do...... Hugs for any one who has this in their lives......

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you. My Mom lost her battle with this horrific diease 10 days before Christmas last year. We finally decided to call in Hospice and let her die peacefully. She was in and out of the hospital with pnemonia from asperating her foods and liquids into her lungs. I know what you all are going through. But be proud of yourselves for taking care of your loved ones when they need you the most!! I miss my Mom every day. Love them and spend time with them because life is short and they are gone before you know it!!! <3

Thank you to everyone for sharing your thoughts about this article. If you are experiencing caregiver burnout, you may turn to our online support groups for support from fellow caregivers: www.caring.com/support-groups (Please cut and paste the web address into your browser). You may also find some helpful information in the Caregiver Burnout Solution Center: http://www.caring.com/caregiver-burnout

Yes, it's very sad when we don't care about ourselves, or anything, anymore. It's so tough, & nobody, REALLY, gets it, unless they "˜live it'. I've been hoping for "˜end of the world', or "˜just don't wake up', or...'just hope I drop dead'. Very sad. I'd never take my own life....but, natural causes would be welcome. This is when you realize it's a very unhealthy situation!

I have reached the point of I don't care any more about anything. Last week I had an artery in my nose burst it bled for 2 hours. If my neighbor had not called 911 when she did which I didn't want her to. I woould have been dead in one more hour. I was hemoriging and didn't relize it.

I know that I'm at melt down status but I really don't forsee that changing any time soo. I pray for strength and peace in my heart and trust that the Good Lord will see me through.... For everyone out there in my position, my prayers go out for all of us..... Roger

Thanks for a great idea Blanche!

What a great idea! I have friends willing to help but I am not good at asking for help---this makes it a lot easier and most of them truly are willing to help. Thanks for this strategy!!

Yes, there is a way to have some help with caregiving "chores" and not feeling guilty! It is called a WISH LIST; it stands for "I wish that someone would help to take care of this item or that chore." It can be as simple as stopping to pick up some item(s) at the store or as time consuming as painting the back bedroom or anything at all. Creating a WISH LIST can be an ongoing thing that is also doubling as a "Therapeutic Tool" for the caregiver. Any time when somebody says, " I want to help out with caregiving." or asks, " Is there anything I can do?", then you can show them the WISH LIST. They can select any item from the WISH LIST that they feel that they are certain to feel comfortable to do. It can be a way of the caregiver to share some of the chores of caregiving, and still feel responsible that they are not negleting their position of control of the situation.

Perfect, your music will be great therapy. I always considered my gardening to be cheap therapy. In cases like our, we need more, of course, but outlets like music, art, gardening, hiking, etc. are great vehicles to gettting better, relieving stress, etc. Good luck to you!

Thank you for sharing this information. I made an appointment today with a therapist. One of the issues in all this for me is that the problems I am expected to take care of were preventable except for stubborn unwillingness to take care of his problem. I find myself becoming angry and bitter and that doesn't help me or him. And friends are really getting tired of hearing about it. The therapist will help I am sure--like the valve on a pressure cooker helps. Thank you again for being so open and offering such helpful suggestions. I'm a writer and used to be a musician. I think I need to practice and get back to the music. It was always my cheap psychiatrist.

I am more than familiar with this problem - I am caring for my 88yo mother with Alzheimers and caregiving snuck up on me over the past few years, and so did my depression from it. I got to where I could hardly function. It was not until I confided in my best friend (who is a counselor) and told her how I was doing (or better yet, NOT doing), that my long road to recover started. She identified my depression and told me to see my doctor, who in turn said get involved with an Alzheimers Caregiver Support Group and to find a therapist who deals with depression. I also fought it, but eventually got on an antidepressant which I wish now I had taken sooner! I am going to share with you some of the things that have helped me... - Get back into, even if slowly, those activities you lost interest in. For me, it was doing a little gardening, and even sitting in the garden for 20 minutes a day. - Get out of the house!!!! You need a break from caregiving, no matter what. Your health is so important - to both yourself and the person you care for. If you are not well, then what happens? - go to Alzheimers (or Cancer, etc) Caregiver support Group meetings. Find the particular organization's website - and find the list of support groups in your area. It is helpful to vent and to get support and ideas from others going through the same thing. - see a therapist! Mine has helped me tremendously. I still have a long way to go, but at least I am on the mend. If your loved one has Alzheimers - a therapist will help you in how to deal with what to say in response, what not to do, and to understand how to "go to them" or to go to where they are when working with them. - Make new friends - it is never too late. See the "Strictly Platonic" section of Craigslist, or website for friendships. - Take care of yourself, because no one is gonna do it for you! good luck!!!

Getting proof of what I already knew--I am burned out, running on empty and in need of at a minimum psychological help. I am very close to a total breakdown.

I know that I'm in severe stress. I have both my mother (93) and my husband (CHF & advanced lung disease), plus my daughter (45) who is in treatment after a mental breakdown. But, I have recently hired part time help - but that increases my financial stress. I really don't know how to do better.

Oh my goodness yes, sad but true. My Sister has been part time taking care of our Mom for almost seven years now since my Dad passed. I moved into live with Mom 2 years ago. It is a very stressful at times, I would like to say more good then bad, but the end stages are turly the most diffcult. God Bless all Caregivers!!!

all of it

I honor and appreciate the comments of those who are or will be caregivers. These are the stories to tell people who are in denial, unconscious, or believe that family, friends, and service orgnisations will help them when needed. Caregiving involves emotional, physical, and mental involvement. Tell your stories. People need to know what it is like and to plan in advance.

These are valuable and helpful stories to tell people who think that caregiving will never happen to them or if it does -- family, friends, and service organisations will be there to help. I honor all of you who are involved and loving caregivers.

Such an easy way to recognize that you are near ... or over .... totally burning out. I will use this in my work on self care for caregivers.

Yes. I realized I was pretty frustrated and unable to push back the hurdles. I need help and the ones that say they could help, don't. I'm independent and feel "I can do that". I'm not always comfortable asking for help. My 9 kids have homes and kids of their own. A few of them have stepped up to the plate and it has been appreciated I go to water aerobics three times a week, but always take my spouse with me. He no longer wants to work out and gets quite confused. I can not leave him alone, but family says we can take care of him. I'm still waiting for that to happen. I have fibromyalagia, arthritis and have been treated for breast cancer twice in 15 years. I don't know how to turn any of this around.

caregivers need lots of help!

I'm going to check myself monthly with this assessment. Sometimes, it is difficult to judge what is happening without a non-judgemental tool like this. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I'm coping pretty well, so far.

Hello Frankay26, Thank you for your comment. I'm sorry to hear that some of our suggestions weren't very helpful. You may find some quick ways to reduce your stress in out "Take a Break" blog: ( http://www.caring.com/blogs/take-a-break ). I hope that helps!! Take care -- Emily | Community Manager

Yes, I realize that I am stressed (23 points), but I don't know how to do anything about it. The ideas that you suggest are good, if they are available to you, but they are not available to me. I did apply to our state respite care program and was awarded $300 to use during the 2nd qtr. of this year. That provided 1 overnight trip for me in May. I have not been renewed. There are no relatives or friends available to help. I can't afford counseling and couldn't be away from my mother and husband long enough to go if I could.

Agreed, patience is a requirement for caregiving ~ It is a lesson that I learned well. There are so many lessons that come along with caring.

Caregiving is the most Patience Tester! It can turn the caregiver as the receiver if help is not coming!

i didnt know i was so close to burn out i guess i better step back soon so i dont go splat on the screen until you stop and think about it you dont realize it until it does hit you in the face, time soon for me again right, pray for me once again thank you friends

It let me know that my stress level is too high and that I have to take steps to take better care of myself without feeling guilty. Thanks

Just seeing it in writing, & knowing it's 'normal' to have this. Confirming that I have it, for sure!

This is a very good article. I am not a caregiver but a close friend of mine is. She rated in the "Too Hot to Handle" range. This helps me to see that I need to try to find ways to stop some on the stress in life, even if it is just to go out for a coffee.

Blah Blah Blah. I do this for a living, & see a professional. Life is sad.

This was helpful in my most recent paper!!

Very helpful

I had recognised signs of " cracking round the edges" and am in fact seeing a counselor from my church tomorrow. I haven't added up the points in your test but am pretty high on the scoring. I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to pop something in the e-mail that is totally relevant. I really do feel the care out there and I thank you all so much.

Very very helpful thank you

I wish I'd found thissooner. My husband has been in Memory care for two months and should have gone sooner. I will be visiting this link often

Found out what i figured I have.

i wish i knew if i was doing my momma right sometimes i feel i have failed her a nd am not doing enough to take better care of her my daddy would want me to take good care of her

I suffered burnout while caring for my mother because she faught against any kind of help I wanted or needed to get. Because I didn't have any family help or support I had to send my mother to my sisters and she and my mother then forced to me sell the home I had been sharing with my mother for nine years.I lost Mom and the house all in four and one half months. And eight months later she put my mother in a NH.She has been there four months and hates it with a passion! It so sad.

Caregiver burnout is the most difficult aspect of self care for the family caregiver. It takes energy and time to devote yourself to your loved ones needs. It is relentless on ones life and limits ones choices in life. We who live in the real world in real time are aware of the fact that there are only twenty four hours in a day of which a minimum has to be devoted to sleep. The rest of the hours are divided between caring and real life, which requires our time and energy, and mix in the hours spent on caring for your loved one, what is left and how do you make yourself a priority on the daily To Do List? This has been my extreme challenge over the past three and half years. I have hit the wall, I have suffered emotionally, financially, socially and spiritually and the worst part is the feeling of isolation. Given the time that is required to spend caring for another individuals daily requirements, leaves lttle time of your own, delegating to others, ( if you are fortunate to have someone to share the experience with ) or simply doing it yourself without the benefit of help. It can seem like a loser takes all moment. It is hard to remain positive with little or no additional support. The hardest aspect for me has been the emotional turmoil that I have experienced when my family and friends continued on with their lives and your choices are limited as to where you can spend your time. I am at peace now, knowing that I have a choice as to how others will have a place in my life, and what value I assign to their role in my life. This was hard for me, because the forever optimist I really like to believe that others walk this world with integrity and compassion for others. I have come to know, that this is not the way for many, and it is okay to let these people go in life, regardless if they are family, friends, community, etc. . . I have learned to live my life with or without their participation in my life. . . . such a difficult lesson to learn. I am a warrior, I will not be defeated, I am strong, I am loved, I will get through this day with grace and wisdom, I will not abandon you. Those are my mantra's that have gotten me through . . . and I can sleep and night with a calm peaceful heart knowing that I have been there for my Mother when others walked away. This is a time that they will not have as their experience, but I will, and I am a better person for it. Caregivers are my ((( HEARTHEREOS ))) earth angels! It's a good thing to live a life of compassion ~ may peace be with each and everyone one of you!

it confirms that I am suffering from burn out.

I BrendaD.failed the burned out test and have no where to turn.

Good reminders about caregiver burnout. I KNOW I have it, & what I need to do to try, & take care of myself. But, it's hard.

advice sucks, what do you mean consult a doctor, who can call a doctor and talk to them, who can afford a doctor, and who could afford the meds? as a FULL TIME care giver, what i need is HELP, and cannot afford it, ! 10 yrs. with mother and father, father passed 1 yr. ago, no insurance, i am tired of hearing people complain because they are inconvenienced, i chose to care for my parents, i out lived one now all i have to do is out live the other and my job will be done, no regrets just showing love honor respect and compassion, burnout

Hi all! Just wanted to let you know that I am traveling w/ my husband and adult daughter for 21 days. We have only been together a few precious times in the last ten years. It took a lot of planning and scheduling and some super special friends to stay w/ Mom and even tho I have ruptured a disc a month ago, we are on our adventure. I know how demanding being a full time caregiver is and I just want you all to hang in there and do your best. That's what we are called to do. We all have people who should step up and help us but they don't. But if we stay focussed on being our best, we will draw to us the people who will assist us even if it is in small ways. I spent too much time (years) being let down by family members who should and can help but they do nothing. They are the losers. My health has gone way downhill since I began this journey, but I am still twice the person I used to be. This get away time I will spend getting strong again both in body and mind. Being adaptible is the key to success in this caregiving journey. I can't expect others to change if I can't change myself! Stay strong, all of you.

who can afford a vacation or even a night out, when you are dealing with someone incapable of doing anything for themself

No comments on the article. I do want to let you know that my husband,Chuck, passed away on Monday morning 4-11-2011. He had been in assisted living for just one year. His death came just as the doctor predicted it would time wise. He was 89 yrs. old and you might say I lost him 1 year ago when I could no longer keep him at home. To the best of my knowledge His Alz.started in January 2007- so I didn't have it to deal with nearly as long of some of your dedicated readers. Now I have closure and would wish it for all of you caregivers.

thank you

I send you all hugs n prayers....i have been doing this 4 yrs. I have had a few jobs here n there that gave me a break but when my husband had his stroke in 09 and then my sister telling me like I wasn't already doing enough to keep my family going and then living with her. She has experience as nurse while taking of her husband's uncle. I on the other hand been struggling to keep three people happy and take care of my husband. We moved to AZ because Indianapolis wasn't making me happy and I was getting sick n frustrated with fighting for foodstamps to get his SSDI. We now have it and now I am trying to find a way to get onboard to be paid as his caregiver but even then that rarely amounts to anything and that leaves my children with no sitter. My daughter has already missed so much kindergarten that she has to repeat it. I am full steam ahead on burnout....I am even wondering if Ill be able to get employment when it happens. I dread and feel the pain when the kids no longer have their father with them but what can i do just pray and push. I do it in love with no support except my husband who is still aware of everything. Peace N God bless

This article helped me to realize that what I'm going through 'is normal'. I work in Mental Health...so, it's a double whammy! Home, & work. I am a high risk, & have had caregiver burnout. I just need to keep myself in check, & do what's needed, when needed. It's hard, though.

I already knew I would score toast, and I am seeking help from a professional. My husband not only has vascular dementia but Celiac Disease, Diabetes, Strokes, Closed-head injury and bi-polar. I have been caring for him since 2002. I was fine up until I lost my job (June 09). Unfortunately, I can no longer pay a caregiver so I can get away. My morning started out like this, he is swearing and screaming in the bathroom as he could not make it to the toilet in time. As a result, poop all over the floor and toilet and he is hanging onto the sink trying not to fall. After I get him cleaned up and settled I clean up the mess in the bathroom. Then do my everyday routine of taking his blood sugar reading, blood pressure, and giving his insulin to him after preparing his breakfast. He will not wear the disposable underwear I purchased, so I am doing laundry everyday. I have been trying to do some research on Adult Day Care Facilities or something to that nature. With all the medical issues he has the cost is unreal. If you have any suggestions on anything I can do besides losing my mind (literally), I would appreciate it. I live in Flint, MI so if any activities in a facility, even for one day a week, would work for me too. The doctor has ordered an agency to come out "Amedisys" with Physical therapist, psych nurse, bath lady, and yet to come a speech therapist once a week. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for this article. I am taking care of my mother who has started with alzheimers. I am an only child, so I feel very overwhelmed at times. It is wonderful to see tips on ways to destress, but also just to read that it's ok and needed. It helps me not to feel so guilty about taking some time for myself or asking for help so I can take time for myself. Thank you for this!!

Finding out that I am on my way to become toast... I need to definitely change my ways... or my own daughter will be taking care of ME!!!! Shady Pines, Ma!!! that's where I will be headed if I don't watch out.. thank you.

I knew that I have not been feeling as good as I use to and everyone blows it off to age, I am only 39! I read this article for a school paper and bam! it hit me this is part of my problem and now I have some thing to work with now! thanks!

Nothing, everything you have here is what I needed to hear, and know the test here was what I am feeling

Where do you find all this "me" time? When his so-called "aide" opens the door and hits the TV running, leaving me all the work? She gets $10 an hour for watching the soaps.

Hello everyone, I am new to the caregiver game. It has been only 4 months that I have been doing this. I am 33 years old and I had an elderly woman living next door to me and my husband. Well in the begining of the year she fell and broke her leg and was in a nursing home for about 5 months. She wanted to come home but she needed 24/7 care because she can not walk anymore-she is 89. Her kids looked into a live-in nurse but it was too expensive. So they asked us. At the time I was not working, we have no children and we rented our house so I thought why not. With the economy the way it is and our landlord breathing down our necks we did it. I get paid a salary and room and board are included so we would have been crazy not to take it. I thought it would be hard for me to jump into this new role but it was so easy for me. I never had the responsibility of caring for someone like this and it has taught me alot and has changed my life for the better. But now I am starting to crack. I find myself not caring about me. I don't even find the time to shower and take care of myself. I always worry about her even when I get coverage and get to get away. Yesterday we had a great day and when the evening aide came to get her in bed and cleaned up she completly changed into this mean horrible person. Today there has been other symptoms that made me relalize she has a UTI. I am sure everyone knows about UTI's in elderly people. I have developed a thick skin doing this but I think last night made me crack and realize that I have caregiver burnout. I know things will be better once I get some antibiotics for her but I cracked and now I know that I really need time for me (and my husband). I don't know how to seperate myself from Dorie's caregiver. I think about her all the time and I just want her to be happy and I want her kids to be happy with the choice they made. I feel bad because I have help when others do not but ...any advice?

Dear Frustrated - You are not alone!! I am sole caregiver of my mom who has Alzheimers - this journey has been 7 years now. I have 2 sisters who do very very little to help. What hurts more is there are 4 adult grandchildren nearby who do nothing - don't even visit!! I have wasted alot of energy feeling resentful and angry - and it still gets me sometimes. I've learned not to expect much from my sisters - my mother in law thinks I shouldn't let them off the hook so easily but I have to do whats best for my mom. If I'm angry with my sisters it doesn't get me anywhere - by no means am I a pushover - I've learned to choose my battles. Please just remember to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who care about YOU - plus - there are some great folks on this website - I can't tell you what a help its been for me!!! You are NOT alone!!!

FrustratedMember, We're very sorry to hear that you're experiencing thoughts of suicide, and strongly encourage you to call a suicide hotline to talk to counselor and get the help you need. Please do not delay: please seek help offline immediately. Here are two hotline phone numbers: 1-800-SUICIDE (1800 784 2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1800 273 8255).

Dear Frustratedmember, Please know that you are not alone. . . Most family members, will never have a clue as to what you deal with on a daily basis. This is the way they want it, or they would be active participates in your Mother's life. The same old, excuse, that there are living there life, and have little or no time to help, is in a word, bullshit !!!! They might as well tell you that their life is more important than yours is, at least that would be a moment of honesty. This happens to far too many people ~ who find themselves in the position of caregiving, especially when it comes to an aging parent. YOU must be able to be Strong enough to look for support and help in other areas, pick up the phone and or go onto your computer and looks for the number of your metal health hotline, or social services, or a friend or a neighboor, please do not think about suicide, you are a caring a loving person or you would not be helping your parent. Do you belong to a church? Perhaps you could give your church a call , just remember, that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Do you see a doctor? I know that I would not have been able to get through the last three years of caring for my Mother, if it had not been for the care and support of my Doctor. You must take care of yourself, and it is not an easy thing to do, when you place all of your energy caring for a parent, or a child, or a husband, etc.. . All too often as Caregivers we forget to give ourselves the care and love and appreciation that we need. This is important to remember that you are loved and you matter, and you are doing one of the hardest jobs ever. Please write to me personally and I will help you research available services in your area. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Boisegem

I would like to have some help during the day. All I get every day from one sister is that I worry about the stupidest things. She works for a few hours a day away from the house and has no idea what I deal with all morning. My other sister sits at a computer all day and never hears anything. When I talk to her, she yells that she is busy and can't get away from the computer. No wonder I feel like suicide is the only answer. Someone Please help me

Man... I knew something was going on with me. Good to know I ain't alone!!

Hi to all - I picked up my mom from my sisters this weekend - I certainly appreciated the break - however - my sister was rude to my husband - talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth!!! I am making copies of all moms expenses that I have paid and sending to the sister who controls all the $ - and just see what happens - I can no longer live this way and its time , my husband has gotten very protective of me and mom - the "games" my sisters continue to play are so immature - Thanks to everyone who has given me advice and hugs -

Happy New Year ~ I for one welcome this year with open arms! I continue to tell myself that this is the year of possibilities verses last year which turned out to be the year of many obstacles. HollyW ~ I hear what you are saying and my heart is with you, my experience has been similar in caring for my Mother. I have been been the primary caregiver for the past three years. Although, my family does not control the money aspect, they have completely abandoned me and have continued on with their lives, acting as if I had asked for this situation. It is beyond hurtful, and I have had to work very hard to put this into perspective, and let it go, I no longer have expectations of anyone, and this experience has taught me what true character is all about. The only expectations that I have are of myself. My husband has been extremely supportive and has lived this right along side me, he rarely speaks negative thoughts, and pretty much keeps his thoughts to himself knowing that he nor I can can their attitudes. With that being said it is still one of the most eye opening experience into what others are truly capable of ~ and it sucks. Please know that my thoughts are with you, and please continue to post as I am here and offer my support. Have a great day and be good to yourself. Sending you thoughts of peace. Boisegem

Hi all - hope everyone survived the holidays - ours were not without drama -mom and I had to be flexible to accomodate the other sisters schedules - they have become so inconsiderate its getting humerous! My husband and I are now paying all moms food bills and power bills- thankfully one sister has taken mom for 2 weeks (she still doesn't know how we help out financially) I just have this knot in my gut about how unfair this situation has become - I have been moms caregiver for 7 years now with little to no help from MY family (my husbands family is great) The resentment thats building is so unproductive and I do not want it to interfere with moms life. My husband encourages me to be the grown up and realize how little quality time is left with mom - to overlook my sisters lack of appreciation or caring and just concentrate on mom. Its hard - finances are a huge part - their sidelined coaching could almost be tolerated if they put their money where their mouth is! I feel both my husband and myself are disrespected - I had a horrible fight with the sister who controls all the $ and she hung up on me! I feel like I have to beg for anything extra mom might need. My niece, who has spent maybe 2 hours with mom in the last 7 years is now teaching special needs children - now she has become the expert in Alzheimers - I am trying to be patient with her - but she is young and thinks she knows all - I want to confront the family but do any of you think that will be productive? Or should I take my husbands advice and ride it out - Please help!!!

Caregiving is the one of the most stressful experiences of one's life. It is so important to exercise self care ~ and I might add one of the hardest to implement in one's life. After three years of caring for my Mother with progressive Dementia, I was forced fo make myself start caring for myself. To Put my wellness the number one top priority in my life, everyday, regardless of the many challenges one faces, I have a list of my favorite things and I make sure that I engage in at least one of them. It is not selfish to care for yourself. The only way you can continue to care for another on a daily basis, is to insure that you are healthy in mind and spirit and body. No one can do this for you, except you, and one must or the loved one that you are caring for, will not have the care they require. Caregiving is hard work that requires energy, commitment and compassion ~ it must start with self in order to care for others. May peace be with you ~ Happy New Year to all the beautiful caregivers that give so freely of their heart an soul!!!

I did have 3 wonderful days in Nov. with one of my daughters (we went to Nashville), and the other daughter took off work to come care for her Dad. So that helped a LOT! Even a few days off gave me some rest and relaxation. I only wish he could have time off from the horrible COPD as well.

ways to help

Reminded me to step back and assess. I know I'm stressed; I don't take time to assess how stressed.

I thought I was doing better than this, but I just scored a 34. More art time and bubble baths for me! It's nice to find a group of fellow caretakers.

Before I get busy with the last minute preparations for the holiday celebration, I simply want to write to all my caregiving friends on Caring.com and wish each and everyone of you a Happy Thanksgiving filled with blessings and abundance. Knowing that the holidays can be exceptionally stressful for many caring for loved ones, my intention is to be in a state of gratitude and thankfulness for this moment in time and truly know that all caregivers live the ultimate generosity of heart, giving and caring for those that can no longer care for themselves. My wish for all is to enjoy true abundance and limitless riches ~ Happy Thanksgiving ~

Dear Someday - I can relate - I have been taking care of my mom with Alzheimers for 6 years now with little help from 2 sisters. Now finances are an issue and guess who bears the burden? One sister controls moms $ yet I have all the responsibility - I feel now like I have to beg for extras - Instead of all us chipping in - I wouldn't feel so bad except they don't spend any time with her either - At least I have a supportive husband and great friends! Also, Boisegem has great words of comfort. Thanks to you all!!!!

hey Boisegem, thanks for the kudos. I have observed that it is NOT uncommon for one child to end up shouldering most or all of the caregiving responsibility. I used to feel that I had the most screwed up family on this planet, but after ten years of this I have had enough exposure to other families experiencing the same thing. Sad, that at a time when our parents need us so much, we cannot join together and form a team of strength. Funny too that I was by far, not my parents' favorite child! And I am the youngest. They used to say to me ,"we don't know what we ever did to get saddled with a child LIKE YOU". Now my mom calls me her 401K plan and says now she knows why she had me. And the last six months of my Dad's life was the best time he and I had together in my whole relationship with him! It was a huge gift to both of us. I still worry about my own sanity; there are days, sometimes many in a row, where I am just barely holding myself together. I am so afraid that if I break down and cry, I'll not be able to pull myself out of it! And there is no one to take over for me...she'd be in a nursing home...which she is so afraid of that if anyone brings it up, she cries. I don't blame her. When I first made the decision to accept this journey, many people said to me: How can you do this? Just give up everything and go there? I said : I don't know if I'll be successful as a caregiver, but I know I am a failure as a human being if I turn my back. I think that's probably the biggest reason I don't feel I ever want my remaining siblings back in my life. When I see them around town, my stomach rolls over inside because I am so ashamed of them for turning their backs to our parents when they were in need. When Mom and Dad were no longer useful as babysitters or banks, my siblings had no interest in seeing or talking to them again. When this journey is over, I WILL move on with life, and I WILL move away from here again, for the same reasons I left in the first place. To the Caregiver's Voice: You gave me a good laugh! Caregiver Dementia! I AM SO GLAD to hear someone else has this! Last winter (and I don't know where the rest of you live, but where I am, winter includes lots of snow AND unbelievable COLD temps) , I made a quick trip over to a friend's house about 2 miles from mine. When I got out of the car, I had no pants on. Skin tight long underwear, but NO pants. I am SO glad it wasn't to the store or worse: church! So, yes, between bouts of wanting to pound my head on concrete, there are good times, and certainly times when I can still laugh at myself!! Sometimes I even look at myself in a mirror and practice smiling! I don't want to forget how!

Caregiver Burnout? Try Caregiver Dementia! My husband and I were so exhausted caring for my father with Alzheimer's, we wondered if we were getting the disease! My husband started hallucinating--He wrote to tell me of the people who were in the bedroom while I was on travel and that "someone" was moving his papers. Meanwhile, I ran into the garage door three times--ruined two power antennas, one back end (the car's, not mine), and needed a new garage door. Yep, it's true. Caregiver dementia for those of us who go well beyond exhaustion.

Hi Someday, I read your post with great interest, I too have been caring for my Mother with Dementia for three years now. Interesting that we all seem to have the same sibling factor. My two brothers do not help at all in the day to day care of our Mother. This is understandable since they both live in different states than I do, however, there are still support issues that are not addressed by either one of them. I asked my one brother, last month, how is is okay with me and my husband providing continueous care for our Mother, the entire responsibility on our shoulders, without any help from him and his family? His answer to me, was, I do not have an answer for that question. The abandonment that one feels by their family and some friends is one of the hardest aspects of providing care for an aging parent. You are so correct in your statement, that the friends that have remained in your life are true treasures ~ Agreed! It difficult for others to understand the commitment and courage that it takes to provide loving and compassionate care for our parents. The one thing that I have learned in the past three years is to never have any expectations from others, it is a one way road to despair and depression. When one finds themselves in this situation, you become extremly clear on what Character is all about, and it is clear to me, that most people, talk the talk, but do not walk the walk. I will never understand how family can simply walk away, and leave their sibling to live this without any help or understanding on their part. I want you to know that I hold you in the highest regard, for your devotion to providing a loving environment for your Mother. Your compassionate heart is a gift to the rest of us.

well, I got 17 on this test! Actually better than one I took a week ago! Reading these entries I see what I am living, just with someone else's name attached. The loss of friends has been an especially cruel aspect of the time I am spending caring for my Mom. The ones I do still have are true treasures. My remaining siblings are totally absent from my and Mom's life. My eldest sibling died during my fourth year of caring for Mom. She didn't help much on the day to day stuff but that was mostly due to her own health issues. She did what she could. Since she and I were emotionally closer than we were/are with the other two siblings, losing her was, for me, like losing the only other person in my family that KNEW what my life is like. I don't like or miss the other two and personally like NOT having to deal with them at all. But the pain that causes my Mom is terrible. My siblings' children and grandchildren are "not allowed" to interact with Mom because of my siblings' anger. Very sad to pull your children and Grandchildren into your circle of hate. So, asking them for any help is OUT of the picture. Mom is very happy with me and says she's never had it so good in all her life! And yes that makes me feel good about what I chose to do, but it still breaks my heart to see her struggle thru the newspaper to see a glimpse of her grandchildren or great grand children via school events. The one thing that I think is so important for Mom, is that she have interaction with other people, other than me and my friends. She needs "play dates" with friends her own age. She is 93 so there aren't many left and most of them aren't functioning mentally or physically at her level. She has a couple and we set up what we can. My entire life revolves around her well being. This is year 7 and my teenage daughter did it for two years before that and for a year before that I was here with both my Mom and Dad until he died. I lived thousands of miles away while my siblings lived right here and did nothing. So, for ten years I have Not lived with my husband and daughter and I in the same state. I bought a house here because Mom's living arrangements were dictated via one of my siblings, via a lifetime estate situation. My sibling would not allow my parents or I to do anything to the house that would make it more handicap friendly. And then they tried to sue my mom when I bought a house and moved her in with me! Our daughter is near the end of her college( 1000 miles from me) years now and my husband recently retired and moved (3000 miles) back here to live with Mom and I. I love him, but have no time or tolerence for him, because all of my focus has to stay on Mom. I have told him that when she dies, I am leaving for at least a month to try to decompress so I can re enter life as his spouse again. He takes this as : I am going to divorce him. So, no matter how close I am with friends or spouse, no one really gets it unless they are living it. It's NOT about them but they cannot think in terms of what it is really like. I know I need time off now and after she's gone. When anyone says I need time off, I laugh! No KIDDING! But no one has the solution as to how I can do that. The few times that she has been sick enough to be in the hospital, she has nearly died because of nurses poor decisions. Mom now fears hospitals and nursing homes more than ever. I won't give up on this journey...she is a good person and I love her. I just hope there is enough of "ME" left when it is over, so I can find my way back to living my life again. Hugs and prayers to you all, yes, prayers, because I don't know HOW I would have gotten this far without faith.

Happy news ~ Hollyw ~ it is a great feeling when you feel that you have made progress in the enlightenment of family members. Good for you! Wow ~ two weeks in December ~ now that's what I call a fabulous gift, just in time for the holidays. Enjoy ! Sending love and positive thoughts to all my care~giving HERO's!!!!

Made some real progress with 2 sisters this past week - hopefully they will follow thru - I just expressed immediate needs and let the chips fall - one is going to help with power bill -the other will care for mom for 2 weeks in Dec. - Baby steps - is anyone watching the special all week on ABC with Maria Shriver? Looks very informative - my love to all - hang in there!!!

Please know that it is normal to have feelings of guilt, and it is okay! You are in a situation that is relentless on your time and energy. Taking care of two parents at the same time is really does not leave much time for you and I encourage you to be kind to yourself. Fatigue can cause you to think and feel emotions that are so overwhelming and this is probably not the best time to make promises about the future. You might want to tell your Dad, that you will do everything in your power to take care of Mom after he is gone, just reasure him that all is well, and focus on today. We have no promises of tomorrow or what they may or may not hold for us and all that is required is for you to get through this day, this moment in time, and that in itself is a major accomplishment. Remember that you are doing what no one else is in regards to your parents ~ you need to always value your contribution, even when others do not. That is the way of the caregiver! My thoughts are with you. May peace be with you today. Boisegem.

I am taking care of my mom on my own with very little help from my 3 brothers. Also taking care of my dad who is very ill with leukemia. I know I am burned out but what else can you do?? My dad has begged me many times to please keep mom home when he is gone. Dont know at this point if I can keep that promise and am feeling very guilty :(

I didn't realize that I was near the breaking point in caring for my husband at home. But after my heart attack and by-pass surgery it became evident even to me (my kids and the doctor already knew it) that something had to give and with all their encouragement we finally had my husband go to an assisted living fascility. Natually he resisted and is still not happy with the situation but it saved my health and sanity. I read the heart wrenching tales of other care-givers and just wish that some could be encouraged to do what we did. Believe me the difference in my life has been amazing. I am told that I'm back to my pre-caregiving personality. I still love my husband and always will, but his pre alzheimer's self is what I have to remember after 64 years of marriage.

Great advice Boisegem - I will approach my sisters with aclear understanding that they may or may not be receptive - its kindive silly in the broad spectrum of things but now all I need from them is help with moms power bill! Its just that the little things add up I guess. I think its past time I join some sort of Alzheimers support group - I will look into such groups in my area - thanks again - its shopping day which mom loves so I'm off to the stores - take care - a great weekend to all!

Hi ~ today is another beautiful day and I am in extreme gratitude for yet another day to live a life of love and compassion. This is a "YOUR WELCOME" POST to Hollyw ~ It amazing me each and everytime that someone shares their experience with caregiving. NO ONE prepares you for the reality of others actions in these situations, and others behaviours surely are more of a statement of their own character than any thing else. My own experience has lead me down the path of resentment ~ however, through my desire to not want to feel those extremely unpleasant feelings it has also taught me to honor my feelings and give value to what I am feeling and why ~ I've learned to express what I need from others instead of what I am not getting from the relationship. Naturally you must deal with others gulity conscious, and I assume that it is quite natural to deflect to the person who is contributing while they sit on the side lines and "coach" with their opinions~ but you know what they say about opinions ~ well ~ safe to say everyone has one!!!! One thing that I've learned in family therapy that I participate in with my Mom, (she rarely remembers afterward, but it has been extremely insightful for me as her caregiver) is to express what you need and then have a clear understanding that you may not get what you are asking for from other family members and loved ones. You see I have learned that eventually, when you can clearly communicate your and your loved ones needs to others, without holding on to feelings of resentment, this is real progress. I know it sounds strange but it works ~ and I believe that part of being a caregiver is being able to look at the bigger picture. Believe me it has taken me three years to have this clarity, I've cried rivers of tears, felt total dispair, and feelings of resentment, but in the end, they don't give a rat's ass or their actions would have shown otherwise and ultimately you are the one living a life of pain and suffering. I say speak from your heart, express what you need from the situation and let your sisters figure it out for themselves, and the cold reality is, maybe they will and maybe they won't. Whatever transpires, the contribution that you have made towards your Mom's care will and does speak volumes about what a fine person you are ~ Blessings to all ~ every single caregiver is my hero!!!!!

Thanks for the hug from Boisegem! I am new at this so kindive communication so bear with me! Its so surprising how many of us are in the same boat - My sisters were too busy when it was time to start taking care of our mom - they had bad marriages, kids ect. and basically left it in my hands - As I said before, I learned quickly not to depend on them - now their kids are grown, one sister has divorced, and NOW they think they know more about taking care of mom then me - it blows me away - mom has declined- no surprise she has been diagnosed for over 8 yrs. - but she is doing great - even her doctors agree - they always comment on how great her spirits are ! My sisters are feeling guilty now I believe and think that all of the sudden they should tell me (lil sis) whats best for mom - not only that but now we are in a financial crunch and they have not volunteered to pitch in at all!!! Leaving it to me to make ends meet - stretch moms $ and of course I end up paying for groceries, hair appointments, dog care, power bill, and anything else - I hate the resentment I am feeling - they trully do not get it!!! Thanks to all of you for listening - this will be a great resource for me!

thank you for your kind words, Boisegem. You know that you aren't alone either. I wonder how many others are in the same boat as we are? perhaps sometime we might communicate outside of this forum?

I could not end this evening without responding to CORKYSMOMMY ~ I want you to know that I am thinking about you and I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I wish that I could do more for you with some helpful advice for your situation ~ Please stay strong, this is so difficult and there are days when I personally have thought that I cannot go on another day ~ primarly from the fatigue of hands on caregiving 24/7 . . . I have even questioned my own faith, which makes me feel a profound sense of loniness and a sense of dispair ~ and those are feelings that REALLY SUCK ~ BIG TIME!!!! I have learned in the past three years that feelings and emotions are not the enemy in this situation, it's being able to giving validation to your feelings by honoring your contribution and being an example to others that just do not GET IT ~ The reasons are too complex to go into ~ in this form ~ but I have decided to turn my pain and suffering over this situation into a platform for AWARENESS and I devote my life to turning pain into purpose... I am only hopeful that one day I will see this change that is so critical to compassionate care for the caregiver ~ simply stated ~ You are my hero ~ Corkysmommy ~ and tonight when you go to sleep you can sleep well, knowing that someone else cares ~ and that's ME!

Boisegem and I are in the same boat and I am in total agreement with her. My situation is close, but still the same issues. I am taking care of my 82-yr old husband who has Alz. I am 49 and we have been married 21 years. I have been working from home for the last 2 years to take care of him because we can't afford a caregiver. I am fortunate that my company allows me to do this, but I transferred to another dept 4 years ago because i knew what was coming and that i could possibly get that opportunity. My problem is that i haven't had a respite break in 2 years. My stepson and his family who live 25 miles from us don't call or inquire or basically give a damn about my husband. There are 4 individuals whom we have helped out over the years who refuse to lift a finger or even take my husband to the mall. They show up out of the blue on his birthday, at Christmas and Fathers Day. no call, just out of the blue and as fast as they showed up they are gone again. I gave up begging them to take him places almost 2 years ago. it was too humiliating. My husband was a great father and always put his family first and this is what eats at me everyday. He has a daughter, but she is on drugs and has been gone for 20 years. The only one of our grandchildred who helps us is one of her children. She lives in So. Colorado so she is only able to offer support over the phone. She is the only one who is supportive and understanding. She was the one who gave me a break 2 years ago, but with college and having babies, her time has been limited. Folks from church take him to the mall once in awhile, but that is while i am working so it really isn't much of a break for me as it is for him. The worst part of it all is that I am not asking for money, I just want their time and they pretend like we don't even exist. My husband asks for his son and says good riddance and he doesn't want to see him but I know he is really hurt. he doesn't deserve what he is getting. The problem with caregiving is that you have to have money. without it, you have a problem. and if you make too much to get state aid, you get zero which is where we are because i work full time. We are together 24-7. i see no end to it until i keel over. i am battling many health issues and trying to keep our home through this mortgage crisis. My plate is full and all i can do is get a bigger plate. it is a shame that there is no clear answer as to why our relatives act the way they do. all i know is that there has to be a special place in heaven for caregivers. that is all i have left to look forward to.

One of the most difficult challenges in Caregiving for an aging parent with Alzheimers or Dementia related diseases, are the relationship aspect between the family members. Interesting enough, I just hung up from one of my brothers, who lives in another state, our conversation, once again revolved around his and our other Brother's lack of contribution to our Mother. I am the only daughter and for the past three years have been the overseer and now hands on caregiver to our Mother with Dementia. The STRESS is relentless on the primary caregiver, and when family and friends, continue on with their lives, with no regard to the loved one who is doing the day to day hands on care, it is almost unbearable. The feelings of isolation, depression, and overwhelm are emotions that the caregiver must deal with daily. My Brother, said to me, "my life is busy and complicated, I just forget, to call, it's not intentional." My response is, that tells me that "WE" are not a priority in your life ~ I do not have that option ~ Mom is here and she requires care, it is not her fault and it is not my fault. This is not the blame game this is reality! When a family member talks about how complicated "thier lives" are, my response is this, I used to have a life, now due to circumstances beyond my control, my life is secondary to that of our Mother's needs. My own health has been compromised because of the Stressors of Caregiving ~ and I worry, given the statistics of primary caregivers dying before the loved one they are caring for. If history is any insight to what the future would be, if something happens to me ~ this is real stress! This is a situation that I never dreamed I would be in, my husband of thirty one years, and I had plans for this time of our life, and now everything is on hold. The financial aspect is another dynamic that family members never think about ~ resources become limited and the primary caregiver ends up paying for that as well. I have made it my mission in life to educate others on compassionate caregiving and how very important it is to appreciate and show your appreciation for all who find themselves in the position of caring for an aging parent, child or spouse, etc... These are the true heroes in life. Please reach out to a person who is in the position of caring for a loved one. A phone call or a card or an email, asking "How are you doing?" can make a tremendous contribution to their wellbeing and that small effort will never compare to the day to day contribution of time and energy these folks put forth daily ~ but it can make a huge difference to the caregiver, that feels so very alone in their responsibility to someone that is unable to care for themselves. Hug your caregiver ~ let them know you care!

If my sisters would help out financially and not be so critical from afar I could be happier taking care of my mom with Alzheimers (6 yrs now) IT IS NOW PUTTING A STRAIN ON our relationships. I have learned not to depend on them which sux - Sometimes I feel so alone, thank god for friends and my dedication to running! I really don't know who my sisters are any more - so sad.

If anyone even knows someone or has a family member trying to care for your parents, even if you don't like something about them or are mad at them for some reason, help them by at the least. telling them about this website, if you leave them without your support, and if you see that the caregiver is getting mean or different then usual in anyway, be MORE supportive, not less, not avoiding the situation, they are going through a hell that you can't even imagine, but they are providing your parents with a service that no nurse or home health care service can come close to doing. When you are there 24/7 for elderly people, especially your own parents, they don't treat you the same as the "kids" they talk to on the phone or see on weekends, Things are totally different behind the scenes. One can go crazy if they lose their support system or a way to vent. This site might have saved me 3 years of illnesses if I'd have used it while I was at my parents trying to help them. I've successfully helped many elderly who were in between having to leave home to go into a nursing home or stay at home and die. I helped many stay at home and when their time came, most of the time , I could get the whole family there in time to say their goodbyes and the loved one to be surrounded with everyone in their lives that they loved to go out that way I pray can happen to me. Please just don't forget to make sure to focus on your selfless caregivers health and make sure you stick with them, be their sounding board, and let them vent, whatever you have to do to keep them happy and healthy and able to be there for your parents. Any other thing you do would be self serving and a disservice to your parents.

I think I'm getting burnout, but I feel guilty about that.

I AM burned out and need a break THANX FOR THE INfo

It showed me how stressed I really am, and ways to help me re-leave some of the stress.

Hello everyone, I just found this wonderful site after crying my eyes out because my husband and I have been going through so much. He and I both have liver disease, his is much worse than mine, and on top of this he has shrapnel (bullet fragments) lodged all along one side of his heart. That means he cannot have an MRI due to the magnetic response possibly pulling the shrapnel into his heart area. As if all of this is not enough, we moved from a nice home in Orlando to what we felt would be a more quiet place, a town called Deland. A very extremist religious organization had a one room chapel and daycare, and expanded it to include 300+ students up to 8th grade. The relious leader of this church (located 3 miles away) is very charasmatic and is more of a leader than a minister. His background is not religion but business. He has been doing everything in his power to annoy my husband, like making false police reports etc. The added stress is causing him to relive the day he was shot as an innocent bystander in NC, by a police officer's stray bullet when he was a young man. I have worked in the mental health field for many years, I am 55. I am blessed to know how to handle much of what I am enduring, but would appreciate your prayers. Ask God to pray for my husband as I believe God does not appreciate these people trying to run me off of my land for monetary gain and using his name. I am Catholic and do not understand some of this new movement religious freedom. They get federal funding and I do not understand this either. My husband's liver condtion makes it hard for him to take any medications for depression and anxiety. So prayers are our medicine. I have faith and I know with the help of others and HIM we will make it. Love to all of you who understand the weight of a caregiver.

I AGREE WITH HER/HIM ... IN THIS CASE TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER, WHO WAS IN MUCH PAIN. AT THE TIME I WAS UNAWARE OF HOW MUCH PAIN SHE WAS IN. NOW SHE HAS PASSED ON ABOUT 9 YEARS AGO & I MISS HER VERY MUCH.

I just wish there was a better way to talk to the people that I need on the phone. To me this is one of the most frustrating things about being a caregiver. If you call the doctor's office then you have to go through all these menus. Then the person you need has to call you back which they don't so you call again. One person I talked to the other day said do you have permission to talk to us? and I said that my mother had given it over the phone and then the person said well I'm sorry we need that in writing and ended the conversation. Where does it all end?

I told my two daughters three mos. ago that I needed a week off sometime this summer and get it worked out between them. But I still haven't heard that first word on anything being worked out. So I know how some of you think you have been forgotten.

It gave me answers I have been looking for

TO NEEDING HELP ` I am writing to let you know that you are not alone and that there are many people facing the same situation of caring for a parent that was not there for you when you where growing up. Please know that you are a loving and compassionate person that is living a life of love and integrity by caring for your Father. He is living the consequences of his poor life choices, and I know that it feels as though you are living the consequences of his choices as well. With that being said, you have to remember that this is the most difficult of situations and it is overwhelming and emotionally and physically draining. You must take care of yourself first, you matter and you need to value yourself and love yourself. This can be extremely difficult concept to wrap your mind around, especially in light of the fact that your Father was not the Father or Husband that he should have been. However you have a choice to be an example of loving kindness instead of the person he was, this is so important because it shows that you have a compassionate heart and your living your life as an example of how all people should be treated, regardless of their past mistakes. I know what I am talking about, I take care of my Mother with Dementia, she was not the Mother of the Year, and as your Father, all the people that she valued in the past are no where to be found at this time in her life. I have learned to take my pain from the past and turn it into purpose, it's not easy, but with that being said, I have learned so much from this experience, and the most important aspect is when you step up when no ones else does, you are what our society calls a first responder and you are a hero in my mind. Take good care of yourself and know that this time will not last forever. Hugs ~ Boisegem.

Hello I started takingcare of my dad in 2005 right after my monter passed in 2003. My father was not the most caring person for my mother and my self. As long as my father was able to chase women he would be happy. And from this he has hand severel strokes and now he has seazers. He is now suffring form all of these alment because of taking the little blue pill. I asked him was it all worth it, and the woman he ran with all this time I now no ware to be found. And no I am the one taking vcare of him now and he is driving me crazzy he does not qulifie for any help. I an trying to hold on to my fath to aunnor your parents but it is really hard. he not greatful for anything I am doing for him he says is but he not . I am now in the process of moving him in with me. GOD PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE MAKE IT EASER.

I want my mommy back but she is rally here, in the sky, in my heart, in everything I do, I feel her 'soul' or energy or whatever it is, people don't just die and are gone, they are always with us, and no more pain and suffering, no bedsores or strokes or medicines, I can see my mom sometimes and at first I wonder how she is walking so well and looking so healthy, that is what God promised heaven would be like, I know she is there. I hope this helps your pain too.

I have worked in the caregiver field for years. My heart goes out to those who get to the end of their rope, so to speak. Sometimes if you can get a sitter and just get away, even for a walk alone, it will help to recharge so you can go back to the situation that is yours to deal with. For myself, I know that I need to take better care of me if I want to be able to take care of others. Nutrition is vital. So is ridding your home of toxic substances, even in your laundry and everyday products. Being better fit yourself will give you stamina and better coping skills. For guidance in finding superior Wellness Products at discount prices go to this site. http://www.BringingWellnessHome.com/sharper

The article confirmed what I almost knew and told my husband last night. I have to do something fast.

For my sisters keeper ~ Fighting for services is the part of caregiving that is so difficult. Good Respite Care is hard to come by, I send my Mom to a place called Sarah Care Adult Day Care and I believe that they are in many states. They are on the web and you would be able to find out if they have a location near you. Financial aid is something that they can help you with , as they are well informed on the various options for payment. Take good care of yourself. Blessings.

Ok, I'm toast. But probably knew that in my heart already. I do get my checkups, take an anti-depressant, see a therapist weekly. Still at my wits end. The one thing that truely helps is my weekly sessions with my therapist. I call it my "Venting Day". So good to be able to sit for an hour, complain, rant, cry and just get it out and not be judged, told what to do (family who do nothing to help with my sisters care are full of ideas of how I should be doing things). My therapist is a good Christian woman and just so encouraging. I am still at my wits end, fighting for services for my sister and help for me, besides dealing 24/7 with the daily caretaking. RESPITE would be really nice. Wish someone would volunteer for just a few hours, a day, a weekend. Can't continue this without help. I'm not a young woman anymore and I have health issues of my own.

When my Mother suffered a right brain stroke in 2007, I was in the rehabilitation hospital were she was at, reading a magazine that I found, the article was about how family and friends will abandon you in a situation as this, I thought to myself, that would never happen to me, my friends and family would never do this! Two and half years later and counting, oh, yes, they will, and they do. One of the most devastating aspects of the Care Giving situation is how very alone you feel, and how very selfish other people can be. I cannot tell count how many times that I have had to remind "family" members, that this is not about you! If you find it too hard and too stressful, what do you think it is like for the primary caregiver??? Maybe they may not be able to cope, but there are always things that people can do to show others that they matter, phone calls, cards, email's, etc. Please take the time today to reach out to a caregiver, and let them know that they really do matter ~ in fact if it were not for them, the other people that find it too STRESSFUL may be the very ones that one day may have to assume the role of caregiver, you know what they say about KARMA ~

sorry for the misspellings and grammer. correction: my husband feels he is waisting hiss vacation time just to take care of his father. he tried to get his job to let him work form home but they said no.

for 25 years I was the one who went to the homes of DDAdults; kept them going so they could remain independent. taught them how to do house hold chores; got the to the grocery store; took them for walks or out for coffee when they lived at home so family could get a break. I even lived in and ran a few group homes; managing staff etc. I had bed days but could always bounce back but it got harder and harder; my husband was/is not a good support person he is aggressive and a get in your face get it done type 'A' personality. I was burning out/ burnt out I wanted to quit my job, spent 2 years continuing while I looked for other work. then my mother-in-law passed away. I got to fquit my job alright; my husband moved his father 1500 miles to come live with us. it's been a year I am still burnt out. my husband thinks he helpful; friends call to get him out of the house b/c he's stressing about our fighting my frustrations. they ask him why am i stressing; its what I do; they don't call me anymore; they don't ask me out to go sailing; they invite him; even Dad wonders why the invites don't extend to him. I have one friends I can talk to on the phone; she lives several hours away so get togehters don't work. I thank God for her all the time. she helped me get the strength to tell my husband that I need a bigger break than to fly home for two days. my son had a baby and my daughter is getting married; grandduagher is graduating and he gave me 2 days. WOW. I'm taking 10; he has to use his vacation time to take care of his own father. he's feels he waiting it. WOW so he gets support from friends. the old question "Who takes care of the caretaker?" yeah it comes down to ourselves alto often. I don't feel bad for doing something for me; not this time. that is a big step for me. I wish all of you find a way to do this for yourself. what happens when I get back; probably more of the same. but I hope to drraw on this to find more strenght; I want to also thank every one for their blogs it has given me that little bit of hope just knowing that I am not alone. HUGS TO EVERYONE OF YOU>

PRAY FOR HELP FROM THE GREATEST PHYSICIAN. HE WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH EVERY THING. JUST HAVE FAITH "ASK,BELIEVING, AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE"

I am a solo caregiver for my husband with Alzheimers. His children will not lift a finger to help or do anything. I haven't had a caregiver break in over 18 months. I have to work from home in order to care for him. I am struggling to save our home and a myriad of other things stressful issues. I have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. I could scream, but nobody is listening anyway. I can't afford a caregiver.I work with my husband to try and slow down the progression. I will do whatever I can to help him and know I am never going to win. All I am trying to do is keep him at his optimal function. I am 49 and he is 82 and we have been married 21 years. My life is him and I don't mind that. what I do mind is that people seem to be afraid of Alzheimers. They are afraid it will happen to them so they don't want to see the effects of it. And people are so busy nowadays and stretched thin, it is hard to get anyone to help me out. The best I have done is gotten some volunteers from church to take him out about once a month for 2 hours. Other than that we are together 24/7. I am as clueless as everyone else who doesn't know what to do. The Alzheimers Assoc. is great and has all sorts of info, but when you have no support group and no money, you are screwed with a captial S because without the 2 of those, you have no hope. I tell my husband all the time that he is going to out live me. and he more than likely will. At this rate i don't expect to see 50.

I have been in a six years critical events loosing of my job, my dearest nany's death, my husband's heart attack and death at 49, my mother in law's death, my own stress cause of not been able to get a job, the possibility of a breast cancer, and taking care of my mother from senile dementia to alzheimer. this day am very depressed and sometimes i have suicidal feelings. is it normal to start drinking?

I realize all the risks I am taking with my own health. I need better support. I have 3 sister within 100 miles of us, and only one sister, once has offered to take Dad for a weekend. SHe found it too hard and stressful.