Schedule a family meeting

Why You Need a Family Meeting and How to Run It

Families who are all on the same page right from the start of a loved one's health crisis tend to make plans more efficiently and share the load while reducing confusion and conflict.

Who should be there: Invite your loved one (if the situation permits), his spouse, adult children (including in-laws), and any others you think should be included, such as a longtime aide or roommate. If you can't all meet in person, use a free conference-call phone service. To find one, search for free conference calls or family conference calls. If there's a history of family discord, ask a neutral party to moderate: a clergy member, geriatric care manager, social worker, or family therapist familiar with aging issues.
Find a geriatric care manager to moderate and advise.
Find a social worker who handles aging issues to moderate and advise.

What to cover:

1. Ground rules. Agree at the outset to stick to the situation at hand. Feelings may run high and outgrown family roles and old issues may intrude, so try to keep the meeting on track while respecting everyone's right to be heard.
2. The diagnosis and prognosis. Make sure everyone is working from the same information. Bring medical notes and contact information.
3. Priorities. Together, list everything your parent needs right now (include healthcare support, household help, emotional support, transportation, legal issues, and so on). Identify as best you can what will be needed over the longer term.
4. Delegate or divvy up duties. Go back over each item on the list, discussing possible plans. At this stage, research into resources and options is often needed before decisions can be made. See who volunteers, make assignments, and set a timetable. Some families divvy chores by skill (finances, communicating with doctors, home care, online research).
5. Stay in touch. Make a plan to keep talking. Will you hold regular meetings in person or by conference call? Use group e-mail? When will you talk next?

What to do afterward: Write down what was agreed upon and distribute copies to everyone. Encourage everyone to write down issues and worries as they think of them so they can be worked through at future meetings.