What To Do When a Loved One Is First Diagnosed With Cancer
Schedule a family meeting.
Why You Need a Family Meeting and How to Run It
Families who are all on the same page right from the start of a loved one's health crisis tend to make plans and share the load more efficiently while avoiding confusion and arguments.
Who should be there
Invite your loved one (if the situation permits), his or her spouse or partner, adult children (including in-laws), and any others you or your loved one think should be included. If you can't all meet in person, use a free conference-call phone service. To find one, search online for free conference calls or family conference calls. If there's a history of family discord, ask a neutral party to moderate: a clergy member, geriatric care manager, social worker, or family therapist familiar with aging issues.
Find a geriatric care manager to moderate and advise.
Find a social worker who handles aging issues to moderate and advise.
What to cover
- Ground rules. Agree at the outset to stick to the situation at hand. Feelings may run high; outgrown family roles and old issues may intrude. Agree that every voice gets equal hearing.
- The diagnosis/prognosis. Make sure everyone is working from the same information. Bring medical notes and contact information.
- Priorities. Together, list everything your loved one needs right now (include healthcare support, household help, emotional support, transportation, legal issues, and so on). Identify as best you can what will be needed over the longer term.
- Delegate or divvy up duties. Go back over each item on the list, discussing possible plans. At this stage, you may need to research resources and options before you can make decisions. See who volunteers, make assignments, set a timetable. Some families divvy chores by skill (who's best at dealing with finances, communicating with doctors, home care, online research).
- Stay in touch. Make a plan to keep talking. Will you hold regular meetings in person, by conference call, or with group e-mail? When will you talk next?
What to do afterward
Write down what was agreed and distribute copies to everyone. Encourage everyone to write down issues and worries as they think of them so they can be worked through at future meetings.
