If my parents move in how much is fair to charge them?
My parents are 91 and 92 and must move out of their home of 50+ years. They can afford to move to a retirement facility but they would much rather move in with us. We have a 1-bedroom apt. in our home that is fully self-contained. They want to pay us and since I am one of 4 siblings and the others are not able or not willing to step up, it seems fair that we should be compensated appropriately without taking advantage of my parents funds.
They are both failing health-wise but are still able to dress, feed and bathe on their own; however, as time goes on, the daily care will increase. I will do most of the cooking and all the transportation as well as bill paying, financial management, etc. My husband and I are retired so this will definitely impact our freedom to travel and visit with our children and grandchildren. We are torn, but think we should take this on.
Has anyone faced this particular situation?
Thanks, mbjamm
If my parents move in how much is fair to charge them?
My parents are 91 and 92 and must move out of their home of 50+ years. They can afford to move to a retirement facility but they would much rather move in with us. We have a 1-bedroom apt. in our home that is fully self-contained. They want to pay us and since I am one of 4 siblings and the others are not able or not willing to step up, it seems fair that we should be compensated appropriately without taking advantage of my parents funds.
They are both failing health-wise but are still able to dress, feed and bathe on their own; however, as time goes on, the daily care will increase. I will do most of the cooking and all the transportation as well as bill paying, financial management, etc. My husband and I are retired so this will definitely impact our freedom to travel and visit with our children and grandchildren. We are torn, but think we should take this on.
Has anyone faced this particular situation?
Thanks, mbjamm
I don't have the same situation, but my mother who has dementia does live with me. But was curious and looked up some information that I though I would share:
According to HUD and numerous other organizations and an Elder Attorney it is fair to charge the going market rate in your area for rent and utilities. Services of caregiving can also be charged at a 'fair rate', but don't try to charge Medicaid or Medicare without lots of legal advice.
Also did you know that Assisted Living ranges from $1,500 to 6,000 per month depending on the needs and the location? Average cost is $3,750.
No wonder I feel underpaid!
I don't have the same situation, but my mother who has dementia does live with me. But was curious and looked up some information that I though I would share:
According to HUD and numerous other organizations and an Elder Attorney it is fair to charge the going market rate in your area for rent and utilities. Services of caregiving can also be charged at a 'fair rate', but don't try to charge Medicaid or Medicare without lots of legal advice.
Also did you know that Assisted Living ranges from $1,500 to 6,000 per month depending on the needs and the location? Average cost is $3,750.
No wonder I feel underpaid!
It is very sad that we think of our aged parents who raised us and if we think of them in monetary term how much did it cost them to clothes us, feed us, educate us and love and would have done so much to sacrifice their own comfort for us. I wish I had the opportunity to take care of my mother who raised 5 of us as a widow and worked as housekeeper in the end she educated young people so they can move onto a better life. She passed away Sept. 11 2007 at the age of 89 bedridden 15 years and my sister devoted her life to taking care of her. I was so far away and raising 6 children of my own and happy to say they are wonderful children who tell me they are always here for me. We have one set of parents who will soon be gone. I hope we can remember them with love and satisfaction that we in turn devoted our time to their last years.
It is very sad that we think of our aged parents who raised us and if we think of them in monetary term how much did it cost them to clothes us, feed us, educate us and love and would have done so much to sacrifice their own comfort for us. I wish I had the opportunity to take care of my mother who raised 5 of us as a widow and worked as housekeeper in the end she educated young people so they can move onto a better life. She passed away Sept. 11 2007 at the age of 89 bedridden 15 years and my sister devoted her life to taking care of her. I was so far away and raising 6 children of my own and happy to say they are wonderful children who tell me they are always here for me. We have one set of parents who will soon be gone. I hope we can remember them with love and satisfaction that we in turn devoted our time to their last years.
I have not faced this situation but see it coming with my dad.
Given your parents ability and desire to pay you, your accepting payment will seem to satisfy their sense of fairness, give them peace of mind, and compensate you for going above and beyond what your siblings will be doing which can help keep the natural resentment at bay as the caregiving requirements increase. One respondent spoke about parents not charging children; however, the arrangement you are comtemplating is very much like alimony and child support payments from one non-custodial parent to to the primary caregiver parent. Caretaking has a very apparent value to not only the receiver of the care but also to that person's friends and family. Caretaking by a loving family member is priceless. Loss of personal time also has value.
I encourage you to document how you and your parents decide on an amount, which would logically escalate with the level of care you and your husband provide, and readily discuss it with your siblings should they inquire as to the financial nature of your caregiving relationship.
I have not faced this situation but see it coming with my dad.
Given your parents ability and desire to pay you, your accepting payment will seem to satisfy their sense of fairness, give them peace of mind, and compensate you for going above and beyond what your siblings will be doing which can help keep the natural resentment at bay as the caregiving requirements increase. One respondent spoke about parents not charging children; however, the arrangement you are comtemplating is very much like alimony and child support payments from one non-custodial parent to to the primary caregiver parent. Caretaking has a very apparent value to not only the receiver of the care but also to that person's friends and family. Caretaking by a loving family member is priceless. Loss of personal time also has value.
I encourage you to document how you and your parents decide on an amount, which would logically escalate with the level of care you and your husband provide, and readily discuss it with your siblings should they inquire as to the financial nature of your caregiving relationship.
Pancake, Thank you for your thoughtful response. It makes sense to me without making me feel guilty for thinking of the financial issues this situation raises. Blessings.
Pancake, Thank you for your thoughtful response. It makes sense to me without making me feel guilty for thinking of the financial issues this situation raises. Blessings.
My situation is with a husband of 53 years having alzheimers. I understand the situation and hopefully there is some solution. The government program dosn't have enough programs for people who suffer with alzheimers and the caretakers. I constantly seek help that may help us without burdening our children. Fortlunately I am surrounded by my children who are loving and caring. Church members have been excellent. Given the age of the parent is there a orginization that offers monetary and care assisstance? I think everyone of us who are in this situation would like to know if there is something out there that would not strip us of our finance and keep us independent and stay in our homes.
My situation is with a husband of 53 years having alzheimers. I understand the situation and hopefully there is some solution. The government program dosn't have enough programs for people who suffer with alzheimers and the caretakers. I constantly seek help that may help us without burdening our children. Fortlunately I am surrounded by my children who are loving and caring. Church members have been excellent. Given the age of the parent is there a orginization that offers monetary and care assisstance? I think everyone of us who are in this situation would like to know if there is something out there that would not strip us of our finance and keep us independent and stay in our homes.
I did have my dad move in with us and charged rent. While your parents may have assets now, its important to realize that if they end up in a nursing home, you can go through the assets rather quickly. The goal at this point for you and your siblings should not be preservation of their assets, but their quality of life (as well as yours). I used their assets to pay for private hire caregivers, so my husband and I could still work and have some time to ourselves. It was still a lot of work and you should put a value on the caregiving you provide, if you don't hire a private caregiver. That money should go to you on top of the rent. Then when the time comes and you need to hire help to come in to care for them, your role becomes a supervisory one, which I think still should be compensated for. Ultimately both my parents ended up in a nursing home (91 y.o. and 97 y.o.) and with the spend down, the assets were gone pretty quickly.
I did have my dad move in with us and charged rent. While your parents may have assets now, its important to realize that if they end up in a nursing home, you can go through the assets rather quickly. The goal at this point for you and your siblings should not be preservation of their assets, but their quality of life (as well as yours). I used their assets to pay for private hire caregivers, so my husband and I could still work and have some time to ourselves. It was still a lot of work and you should put a value on the caregiving you provide, if you don't hire a private caregiver. That money should go to you on top of the rent. Then when the time comes and you need to hire help to come in to care for them, your role becomes a supervisory one, which I think still should be compensated for. Ultimately both my parents ended up in a nursing home (91 y.o. and 97 y.o.) and with the spend down, the assets were gone pretty quickly.
I am fast approaching the age where I may need care 81. You say you live in a one bedroom apartment. I feel someone outside of the family should talk to your parents about their desire to live with you. I may sound cruel but I feel it is unfair of your siblings and parents to put this responsibility on you and your spouse.If they can afford it they should consider a nice retirement home or assisted living.That is just my thinking but if they still insist I think you should seek legal counsel.
I am fast approaching the age where I may need care 81. You say you live in a one bedroom apartment. I feel someone outside of the family should talk to your parents about their desire to live with you. I may sound cruel but I feel it is unfair of your siblings and parents to put this responsibility on you and your spouse.If they can afford it they should consider a nice retirement home or assisted living.That is just my thinking but if they still insist I think you should seek legal counsel.
Assisted living is very costly and sometimes impersonal. If you can take it on and you get along with your parents, I would definitely advise it. I believe that if they can afford assisted living, then they could also afford to hire someone to come in and help out with light housekeeping and such if the burden was too high for you. Also, you can hire caregivers through an agency (if their need comes to it) for respite care while you travel. If they have Long Term Care insurance, some agencies will take payment from them.
You are kindhearted to consider taking them in! Be sure you work out the details of what is included in their rent. I would advise drawing up a lease agreement for the apartment just as if you were renting it to strangers, as much to have a written record for your siblings as to open a discussion with your parents on their needs. Include everything in writing! Rent, meals, transportation, laundry and housekeeping, medicine management, etc. I would also recommend going to visit assisted living and retirement places (with or without your folks) to see what the typical care rates are in your area. That will give you an idea of how much you might fairly charge.
On a related note, I would have your parents assign you as Financial Power of Attorney if you are to be taking care of bills, etc. It will give you the legal right to negotiate on their behalf without them having to get on the phone every time and tell the institution that it's OK for you to talk to them. I am caring for my mom's finances from a distance, and without the POA it was MUCH more difficult. Note that if they do business with Bank of America, they require their own paperwork be filled out.
Good luck with your decision. I hope that you will follow your heart and not your guilt.
Assisted living is very costly and sometimes impersonal. If you can take it on and you get along with your parents, I would definitely advise it. I believe that if they can afford assisted living, then they could also afford to hire someone to come in and help out with light housekeeping and such if the burden was too high for you. Also, you can hire caregivers through an agency (if their need comes to it) for respite care while you travel. If they have Long Term Care insurance, some agencies will take payment from them.
You are kindhearted to consider taking them in! Be sure you work out the details of what is included in their rent. I would advise drawing up a lease agreement for the apartment just as if you were renting it to strangers, as much to have a written record for your siblings as to open a discussion with your parents on their needs. Include everything in writing! Rent, meals, transportation, laundry and housekeeping, medicine management, etc. I would also recommend going to visit assisted living and retirement places (with or without your folks) to see what the typical care rates are in your area. That will give you an idea of how much you might fairly charge.
On a related note, I would have your parents assign you as Financial Power of Attorney if you are to be taking care of bills, etc. It will give you the legal right to negotiate on their behalf without them having to get on the phone every time and tell the institution that it's OK for you to talk to them. I am caring for my mom's finances from a distance, and without the POA it was MUCH more difficult. Note that if they do business with Bank of America, they require their own paperwork be filled out.
Good luck with your decision. I hope that you will follow your heart and not your guilt.
$? Absolutely! I've been too busy to post for a long time, but this caught my eye.
My husband and I moved three years ago to be closer to my parents, who were, at the time, 89 and 79 yrs. old. My father was still driving (pretty damn well, too!), but we convinced him that it was better for him to "turn over" his car keys and let me do their driving, shopping, etc.--daily. A year later, when my mother had some surgery, they moved in with us for six weeks. We had, assuming they would move in eventually, gotten a house with both a LR and family room, with a master bedroom and bath on the first floor. We also made sure we had an extra bedroom for out of town sibs to visit whenever they wanted. This increased our monthly house payment by almost 50%. The upshot was that after 48 hours they had decided to stay with us permanently. We moved everything from their house, and they have been here ever since. They pay me what I thought at the time was a ridiculous amount of money each month. I made sure that all my siblings were aware of the number, and also what good assisted living in the area would cost. This arrangement was much less expensive for them, and all the sibs were agreeable (and nobody else volunteered, so the point was virtually moot, anyway).
All I can say now is THANK HEAVENS!! I would have done it anyway, but I cannot begin to tell you how our household expenses increased. They like to have all kinds of food around the house that I would never ordinarily purchase. That, along with prescribed vitamin supplements and nutrition drinks (mother underweight via metabolism--no medical reason)increased the grocery bill such that they account for 66% of it. The electric bill has doubled, as has the gas and the water and sewer. They have a separate phone no. so the other sibs can call them directly, and a cable bill to beat the band (my father is a night-owl movie and sports guy). My mother's Alzheimer's has progressed some, and my father's balance is off a bit, so three years later I am responsible 24/7, have a "baby" monitor in my room--we refer to it as "night alert", lol--and I prepare three meals a day (used to just make supper for my husband and me), seven days a week, ON A SCHEDULE, which we had had the luxury of living without for a long time, given the empty nest. My laundry has trebled, as has my driving.
In the midst of all this, my husband's business crashed with the economy. I could have gone back to work teaching college, but I no longer have the time. I do have sibs alternating once a week for an evening so my husband and I can get out for a while, but that is the sum total of the relief. My life is no longer my own, except that it is what I chose and accept, because they ARE my parents, I do love them, and so it goes. It's not about the money, BUT, without it, I think I might be screaming from the rafters at an untenable situation. Believe me, on a strictly fiscal basis, they get far more than they pay for! I also handle all their bills, appt. scheduling and "recreation." My sister (accountant) audits twice a year when she visits, and is always amazed at how their expenses escalate with their ages.
If I had it to do over again, I would. What I would NOT do is think there was ANY amount of money that could compensate the loss of my own life for an indefinite length of time. It's a Nike thing. "Just Do It."
Wow, that was a much longer message than I had intended! I just spent far too much time to say something very simple. Yes, you love them. Yes, you care for them in your home if you are able. No, your life will NOT be yours as long as they are with you. So YES, take what they can afford to give you. It is far less compensation than you will find you deserve, and you will find over time that you may need it more than you think. It's not a trade, and as long as you can discuss it matter of factly without emotional discord, it's the way it should be if it can be.
A final note: It's very different than parents raising children (except in unusual circumstances). Parents raising children see them beoming more self-sufficient with time, not less. The children become more mentally capable, not less. They become more conversant and communicative, not less. And they require less financial support, not more. Good luck with all of this. I'll be hoping for the best for you.
$? Absolutely! I've been too busy to post for a long time, but this caught my eye.
My husband and I moved three years ago to be closer to my parents, who were, at the time, 89 and 79 yrs. old. My father was still driving (pretty damn well, too!), but we convinced him that it was better for him to "turn over" his car keys and let me do their driving, shopping, etc.--daily. A year later, when my mother had some surgery, they moved in with us for six weeks. We had, assuming they would move in eventually, gotten a house with both a LR and family room, with a master bedroom and bath on the first floor. We also made sure we had an extra bedroom for out of town sibs to visit whenever they wanted. This increased our monthly house payment by almost 50%. The upshot was that after 48 hours they had decided to stay with us permanently. We moved everything from their house, and they have been here ever since. They pay me what I thought at the time was a ridiculous amount of money each month. I made sure that all my siblings were aware of the number, and also what good assisted living in the area would cost. This arrangement was much less expensive for them, and all the sibs were agreeable (and nobody else volunteered, so the point was virtually moot, anyway).
All I can say now is THANK HEAVENS!! I would have done it anyway, but I cannot begin to tell you how our household expenses increased. They like to have all kinds of food around the house that I would never ordinarily purchase. That, along with prescribed vitamin supplements and nutrition drinks (mother underweight via metabolism--no medical reason)increased the grocery bill such that they account for 66% of it. The electric bill has doubled, as has the gas and the water and sewer. They have a separate phone no. so the other sibs can call them directly, and a cable bill to beat the band (my father is a night-owl movie and sports guy). My mother's Alzheimer's has progressed some, and my father's balance is off a bit, so three years later I am responsible 24/7, have a "baby" monitor in my room--we refer to it as "night alert", lol--and I prepare three meals a day (used to just make supper for my husband and me), seven days a week, ON A SCHEDULE, which we had had the luxury of living without for a long time, given the empty nest. My laundry has trebled, as has my driving.
In the midst of all this, my husband's business crashed with the economy. I could have gone back to work teaching college, but I no longer have the time. I do have sibs alternating once a week for an evening so my husband and I can get out for a while, but that is the sum total of the relief. My life is no longer my own, except that it is what I chose and accept, because they ARE my parents, I do love them, and so it goes. It's not about the money, BUT, without it, I think I might be screaming from the rafters at an untenable situation. Believe me, on a strictly fiscal basis, they get far more than they pay for! I also handle all their bills, appt. scheduling and "recreation." My sister (accountant) audits twice a year when she visits, and is always amazed at how their expenses escalate with their ages.
If I had it to do over again, I would. What I would NOT do is think there was ANY amount of money that could compensate the loss of my own life for an indefinite length of time. It's a Nike thing. "Just Do It."
Wow, that was a much longer message than I had intended! I just spent far too much time to say something very simple. Yes, you love them. Yes, you care for them in your home if you are able. No, your life will NOT be yours as long as they are with you. So YES, take what they can afford to give you. It is far less compensation than you will find you deserve, and you will find over time that you may need it more than you think. It's not a trade, and as long as you can discuss it matter of factly without emotional discord, it's the way it should be if it can be.
A final note: It's very different than parents raising children (except in unusual circumstances). Parents raising children see them beoming more self-sufficient with time, not less. The children become more mentally capable, not less. They become more conversant and communicative, not less. And they require less financial support, not more. Good luck with all of this. I'll be hoping for the best for you.
@ Michiko,
I understand your sentiments, but after reading what you wrote, I have to say that it was your sister who had the day to day, day in, day out caregiving to do. I'm sure that you would have if you could have, and that you truly wish you had been able to do care for your mother in her final years. She sounds like a wonderful woman. I do hope, though, that your sister was not financially incapacitated over time. I hope she can afford (maybe with a little help?) to take a fabulous vacation now, and mentally regroup to get on with her own life. It would be interesting to hear her perspective on all this. Truly, I do believe that money is not the primary factor, nor should it be if at all possible. But it certainly does help--a lot--when things get more financially difficult. I hope you both find your mother always to be with you in your hearts, and that you will have joy in having each other to lean on.
@ Michiko,
I understand your sentiments, but after reading what you wrote, I have to say that it was your sister who had the day to day, day in, day out caregiving to do. I'm sure that you would have if you could have, and that you truly wish you had been able to do care for your mother in her final years. She sounds like a wonderful woman. I do hope, though, that your sister was not financially incapacitated over time. I hope she can afford (maybe with a little help?) to take a fabulous vacation now, and mentally regroup to get on with her own life. It would be interesting to hear her perspective on all this. Truly, I do believe that money is not the primary factor, nor should it be if at all possible. But it certainly does help--a lot--when things get more financially difficult. I hope you both find your mother always to be with you in your hearts, and that you will have joy in having each other to lean on.
Thank you, Not Myself, for a very dignified response to Michiko. I for one very much appreciate it since my reaction was to try to crawl through the screen and thump him/her on the forehead. That would be undignified.
Thank you, Not Myself, for a very dignified response to Michiko. I for one very much appreciate it since my reaction was to try to crawl through the screen and thump him/her on the forehead. That would be undignified.
Perhaps my response sounded unsympathetic but I fully understand the feeling since I am taking care of my husband who is an alzheimers. This was a personal feeling I had through the last two years losing my 48 year old son to a incurable cancer and two more deaths within the following 3 months which included my Mom. I didn't want anyone to go through "I wish I could have done more" guilt. Perhaps my day will come that I will have to depend on my children. Apologies if I really sounded insensitive. I didn't want to do that. My heart goes out to anyone who stands on the crossroad to wonder how they can financially care for their parents or spouse. It is a overwhelming experience. Each person has their cross to bear and I hope there will be a answer somewhere for people who go through this. Special prayers for you and my thoughts will be with you as you struggle for an answer.
Perhaps my response sounded unsympathetic but I fully understand the feeling since I am taking care of my husband who is an alzheimers. This was a personal feeling I had through the last two years losing my 48 year old son to a incurable cancer and two more deaths within the following 3 months which included my Mom. I didn't want anyone to go through "I wish I could have done more" guilt. Perhaps my day will come that I will have to depend on my children. Apologies if I really sounded insensitive. I didn't want to do that. My heart goes out to anyone who stands on the crossroad to wonder how they can financially care for their parents or spouse. It is a overwhelming experience. Each person has their cross to bear and I hope there will be a answer somewhere for people who go through this. Special prayers for you and my thoughts will be with you as you struggle for an answer.
Thank you, Michiko, this is often a very difficult medium in which to convey ideas and feelings. So much of ourselves as caregivers is wrapped up in every aspect of caring; financial, emotional, physical, and everything in between. Often when we ask a question or express a concern it is but a fraction of the whole and conveys none of the history. It then becomes easy to minimize or focus on this one aspect. We all need to keep in mind that all of our situations, upbringing, our own physical health is different and as much as we would all like this to be a perfect and compassionate world, many of us have lived otherwise, and most of us know different. Thank you again. I will no longer try to thump you in the forehead! :-)
Thank you, Michiko, this is often a very difficult medium in which to convey ideas and feelings. So much of ourselves as caregivers is wrapped up in every aspect of caring; financial, emotional, physical, and everything in between. Often when we ask a question or express a concern it is but a fraction of the whole and conveys none of the history. It then becomes easy to minimize or focus on this one aspect. We all need to keep in mind that all of our situations, upbringing, our own physical health is different and as much as we would all like this to be a perfect and compassionate world, many of us have lived otherwise, and most of us know different. Thank you again. I will no longer try to thump you in the forehead! :-)
Thank you for your kind reply. It's easy to focus on our feelings and experiences in difficult times. I know there are so many of us who live to say "finally the Golden age" is here. But not so. We all have alot to learn from each other's experience and feel compassion for each other. The road can be pretty bumpy at times. I will keep you in my heart and prayers and thank you for not thumping me in the forehead. If I were there I will surely give you a big hug!!
Bless you and thank you for understanding.
Thank you for your kind reply. It's easy to focus on our feelings and experiences in difficult times. I know there are so many of us who live to say "finally the Golden age" is here. But not so. We all have alot to learn from each other's experience and feel compassion for each other. The road can be pretty bumpy at times. I will keep you in my heart and prayers and thank you for not thumping me in the forehead. If I were there I will surely give you a big hug!!
Bless you and thank you for understanding.
If you live in Indiana we have an organization called CICOA Central Indiana Council on Aging. They have a book that gives a lot of information on assistance like a contact for an elder lawyer, home care for your loved one, housekeeping, meals on wheels, etc. I imagine most states have something similiar at least in the larger cities. My father's wife has dementia and she can be a real handful. Good luck.
If you live in Indiana we have an organization called CICOA Central Indiana Council on Aging. They have a book that gives a lot of information on assistance like a contact for an elder lawyer, home care for your loved one, housekeeping, meals on wheels, etc. I imagine most states have something similiar at least in the larger cities. My father's wife has dementia and she can be a real handful. Good luck.
Make sure that your siblings agree to share care giving each year so you and your family can get away for vacations. Also, family members tend to down play the value of care giving, - especially your loss of income if you have to quit work. Loss of free time and income are the two main problems to be negotiated with your siblings. You are honored to be able to care for your parents and give them a dignifed safe place to live. They are very lucky to have you. And you will the benefit of those extra years with them. When they're gone, those hours can't be replaced.
Make sure that your siblings agree to share care giving each year so you and your family can get away for vacations. Also, family members tend to down play the value of care giving, - especially your loss of income if you have to quit work. Loss of free time and income are the two main problems to be negotiated with your siblings. You are honored to be able to care for your parents and give them a dignifed safe place to live. They are very lucky to have you. And you will the benefit of those extra years with them. When they're gone, those hours can't be replaced.
Hi mbjam and all others
This post caught my eye. I am a nurse and have seen the difficulties that caregivers have when their parents age or a family member becomes ill. It is obvious that you care for and respect your parents. It is hard for us to picture ourselves taking money from those that raised us. Well they have evidently done a spectacular job with raising you. Please do not feel the least bit guilty for the amount of money it may cost them. First, they want to be with you, more importantly you are willing to consider that option. You and your husband along with your parents should be the concern as far as what you will all need financially. I am certainly not suggesting that your siblings be written off, however this is about you, your husband and your parents. Maybe you and your husband would consider discussing this with your parents alone. Then let your parents present how any remaining funds will be divided once your parents would no longer be alive and using them. As you mentioned, either they are not able or willing to step up. Well you are, if you were not, the cost is incredible. Either that money can be spent for them to live in an environment that is controlled by strangers or it can be spent for their continued quality of life. That quality will also be dependent on you and your husband. If the two of you need resources so that you can continue to have a quality of life also then that should be understood by your family. Money means nothing when compared to your quality of life. Yor parents evidently understand that. I can be practical in this because I am not you, It is a very difficult decision for all involved to make including your parents. I am sure they want the best for you as well. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.
Hi mbjam and all others
This post caught my eye. I am a nurse and have seen the difficulties that caregivers have when their parents age or a family member becomes ill. It is obvious that you care for and respect your parents. It is hard for us to picture ourselves taking money from those that raised us. Well they have evidently done a spectacular job with raising you. Please do not feel the least bit guilty for the amount of money it may cost them. First, they want to be with you, more importantly you are willing to consider that option. You and your husband along with your parents should be the concern as far as what you will all need financially. I am certainly not suggesting that your siblings be written off, however this is about you, your husband and your parents. Maybe you and your husband would consider discussing this with your parents alone. Then let your parents present how any remaining funds will be divided once your parents would no longer be alive and using them. As you mentioned, either they are not able or willing to step up. Well you are, if you were not, the cost is incredible. Either that money can be spent for them to live in an environment that is controlled by strangers or it can be spent for their continued quality of life. That quality will also be dependent on you and your husband. If the two of you need resources so that you can continue to have a quality of life also then that should be understood by your family. Money means nothing when compared to your quality of life. Yor parents evidently understand that. I can be practical in this because I am not you, It is a very difficult decision for all involved to make including your parents. I am sure they want the best for you as well. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.
WOW! Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to write some very thoughtful and thought provoking responses. It is very encouraging to us and helps us to think through how to address these issues and to do it now, not later. I will continue to post replies as we go along. Blessings, mbjamm
WOW! Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to write some very thoughtful and thought provoking responses. It is very encouraging to us and helps us to think through how to address these issues and to do it now, not later. I will continue to post replies as we go along. Blessings, mbjamm
Thank you, Marlene, for the suggestion that I should be their financial POA, which I am and have been for several years. There are some good practices in place already and they have a Trust as well. We're just now ready to move to the next level, which is the primary caretaking role.
Thank you, Marlene, for the suggestion that I should be their financial POA, which I am and have been for several years. There are some good practices in place already and they have a Trust as well. We're just now ready to move to the next level, which is the primary caretaking role.
Response to not myself= I truley appreciate your kind thoughts. I just wanted to explain my situation about my sister who took care of my mother. I left home when I was 16 because my parents wanted me to return to this country for an education. Unfortunately my father passed away at age 48 my mother was 37 years old widowed in a strange country with 4 of my siblings. I became the support for my family at an early age till they grew to an age to be able to help my mother who also worked as housekeeper and later a educator. I did not see my family till I was 38 years old. I raised 6 children my husband a career military meant raising them without a father for 13 months twice. I never stopped helping my mother nor my husband's mother also a widow whenever they needed the help. Now my husband is a alzheimer patient I know and feel the exasperation for the lack of help at times and I understand people going through caring for their loved ones. My reply was not meant to be unfeeling but the sadness of the disease that strikes our loved ones who where once so active and intelligent reduced to a childlike person. I myself pray everyday for people who are caring for their loved ones. I attended a caregivers support meeting and seen the tears and peoples heart breaking. I try to accept where I am and go on loving my husband of 53 years and somehow that eases my frustrations and give me patience. I will keep eveyone in my prayers.
Response to not myself= I truley appreciate your kind thoughts. I just wanted to explain my situation about my sister who took care of my mother. I left home when I was 16 because my parents wanted me to return to this country for an education. Unfortunately my father passed away at age 48 my mother was 37 years old widowed in a strange country with 4 of my siblings. I became the support for my family at an early age till they grew to an age to be able to help my mother who also worked as housekeeper and later a educator. I did not see my family till I was 38 years old. I raised 6 children my husband a career military meant raising them without a father for 13 months twice. I never stopped helping my mother nor my husband's mother also a widow whenever they needed the help. Now my husband is a alzheimer patient I know and feel the exasperation for the lack of help at times and I understand people going through caring for their loved ones. My reply was not meant to be unfeeling but the sadness of the disease that strikes our loved ones who where once so active and intelligent reduced to a childlike person. I myself pray everyday for people who are caring for their loved ones. I attended a caregivers support meeting and seen the tears and peoples heart breaking. I try to accept where I am and go on loving my husband of 53 years and somehow that eases my frustrations and give me patience. I will keep eveyone in my prayers.
just thank God for your parents because they brought you into this world and I am sure they took care of you and your siblings. my mother has been with me sinctgagee april and my siblings live about 1700 miles away somestimes they call and sometimes they dont.I had to go parttime with my job and just three weeks ago my husband lost his job. I have a mortg life has age and car payment and loads of other bills and I am trusting God that He will make a way for me and i know he will for you I am not worried yes my grocery bill has gone up and my water and lights all went up but I know God is here with me and he loves me and he will take care of me so I can take care of my mom. I want you to remember one thing Jesus died for you that means he loves you as you love your parents and he will provide for you Mylife has changed I dont get out often with my husband because if i am out he has to stay in I thank God for him because he does not have to support me that way and he does God will reward me my time back. I will keep you and your family in my prayers
just thank God for your parents because they brought you into this world and I am sure they took care of you and your siblings. my mother has been with me sinctgagee april and my siblings live about 1700 miles away somestimes they call and sometimes they dont.I had to go parttime with my job and just three weeks ago my husband lost his job. I have a mortg life has age and car payment and loads of other bills and I am trusting God that He will make a way for me and i know he will for you I am not worried yes my grocery bill has gone up and my water and lights all went up but I know God is here with me and he loves me and he will take care of me so I can take care of my mom. I want you to remember one thing Jesus died for you that means he loves you as you love your parents and he will provide for you Mylife has changed I dont get out often with my husband because if i am out he has to stay in I thank God for him because he does not have to support me that way and he does God will reward me my time back. I will keep you and your family in my prayers
You are a beautiful person and I will pray for you. I know few people who are in your situation. I knew a 75 year old lady who worked as a housekeeper till 3 years ago who supported her husband and also her terminally ill son who just passed away. I miss this wonderful lady who passed away she came from a very humble upbringing and had a wonderful smile a beautiful voice to sing. Never lost that smile and courage. When she passed away the church was filled with lawyers, doctors and many people who was touched by her life and some of them their children. She did her work on this earth very lovingly and quietly. In her passing she has taught many people a wonderful lesson. We honor her and you know she reminded me of my mother who was very strong but so gently and I pass this onto my children. It's not what you have but who you are that counts and I want to say people who who go through the hardship of taking care of parents, spouse, siblings whoever they maybe are courageous wonderful people. I would love to see a family unite and share the care of family members who are having a tough time going through this ordeal. God love you and I hope your siblings will find it in their heart to help you.
You are a beautiful person and I will pray for you. I know few people who are in your situation. I knew a 75 year old lady who worked as a housekeeper till 3 years ago who supported her husband and also her terminally ill son who just passed away. I miss this wonderful lady who passed away she came from a very humble upbringing and had a wonderful smile a beautiful voice to sing. Never lost that smile and courage. When she passed away the church was filled with lawyers, doctors and many people who was touched by her life and some of them their children. She did her work on this earth very lovingly and quietly. In her passing she has taught many people a wonderful lesson. We honor her and you know she reminded me of my mother who was very strong but so gently and I pass this onto my children. It's not what you have but who you are that counts and I want to say people who who go through the hardship of taking care of parents, spouse, siblings whoever they maybe are courageous wonderful people. I would love to see a family unite and share the care of family members who are having a tough time going through this ordeal. God love you and I hope your siblings will find it in their heart to help you.
I skimmed through all the replies and haven't seen this issue included - maybe I missed it in one or more of them. We are caring for my father-in-law and have been advised by multiple professional sources (including his Elder Law Attorney) to make sure that he pays us a monthly amount for his care, as well as 1/3 of our mortgage, food, utilities, etc. This reduces his total available assets by that amount, which may allow him to be eligible for certain State and Veteran's Administration programs for those with limited resources. What we choose to do with this money (after it's used for things like medication copay, non-prescription medications and supplements, etc.) is up to us, since it's a "fee" paid to us, as long as it's not maintained in an account with his name on it. This is totally legal, legitimate, and accepted practice and is appropriate, given that if he were not living with us he would be in a long-term care facility, at a cost much higher than what we will be paid, and charged to his insurance and/or one of the agencies identified above. Since he is (blessedly) healthy other than moderate Alzheimer's, we will hopefully have him with us for a long time to come. Though we plan to keep him at our home for as long as possible, there may come a time when we need some in-home care assistance or placement at a long-term care facility, which may or may not be completely covered by his insurance/Medicare/VA benefits. What we plan to do is invest any excess in the amount that he will pay us for his care in the meantime so that it will be available for any expenses related to his care later on. We also are planning to prepay as many funeral expenses as we can, using the excess in his monthly caretaking payments to do so. We've had a hard time coming to terms with this approach, since, as at least one of the respondents above has identified, our parents have spent their lives taking care of us, with certainly no thought of being reimbursed for anything, and it seemed inappropriate for us to "gain" for taking care of them. Viewing the situation from the perspective of using at least part of this "income" to plan for his longer-term needs - with any excess in the end going to his beneficiaries (his grandchildren) - it is reasonable and wise to do so. Good luck with all that lies ahead. We're blessed to have Dad with us.
I skimmed through all the replies and haven't seen this issue included - maybe I missed it in one or more of them. We are caring for my father-in-law and have been advised by multiple professional sources (including his Elder Law Attorney) to make sure that he pays us a monthly amount for his care, as well as 1/3 of our mortgage, food, utilities, etc. This reduces his total available assets by that amount, which may allow him to be eligible for certain State and Veteran's Administration programs for those with limited resources. What we choose to do with this money (after it's used for things like medication copay, non-prescription medications and supplements, etc.) is up to us, since it's a "fee" paid to us, as long as it's not maintained in an account with his name on it. This is totally legal, legitimate, and accepted practice and is appropriate, given that if he were not living with us he would be in a long-term care facility, at a cost much higher than what we will be paid, and charged to his insurance and/or one of the agencies identified above. Since he is (blessedly) healthy other than moderate Alzheimer's, we will hopefully have him with us for a long time to come. Though we plan to keep him at our home for as long as possible, there may come a time when we need some in-home care assistance or placement at a long-term care facility, which may or may not be completely covered by his insurance/Medicare/VA benefits. What we plan to do is invest any excess in the amount that he will pay us for his care in the meantime so that it will be available for any expenses related to his care later on. We also are planning to prepay as many funeral expenses as we can, using the excess in his monthly caretaking payments to do so. We've had a hard time coming to terms with this approach, since, as at least one of the respondents above has identified, our parents have spent their lives taking care of us, with certainly no thought of being reimbursed for anything, and it seemed inappropriate for us to "gain" for taking care of them. Viewing the situation from the perspective of using at least part of this "income" to plan for his longer-term needs - with any excess in the end going to his beneficiaries (his grandchildren) - it is reasonable and wise to do so. Good luck with all that lies ahead. We're blessed to have Dad with us.
@Notmyself; Excellent points. My husband suffered a disabling brain injury 3 yrs ago. He is 58 now. I am his sole care giver because our State had few support resources even before the economy dwindled. He did not get a large back payment check from SS Disability because he was approved 2 months after he came home from the hospital. SSDI during his hospitalization went directly to the hospital and nursing home, - not us. Income for the yr injured was $3,500. Thank God we had saved some for retirement or we would have been on the street. I was totally unprepared for how our household bills would skyrocket with his disability and living home. A prospective care giver needs to make sure family members understand that this topic will need to be revisited once it becomes apparent what the new expenses are.
Our electric doubled. He is cold in Winter and too hot in Summer and moves the thermostat continually. before his brain injury he'd just put on a sweater. I do at least 2 loads laundry daily because he is a bit incontinent. It used to be 2 or 3 loads a week! He uses wash rags to collect saliva from his Dysphagia. The electric for the W&D, electric hot water. Our dryer doesn't have a moisture sensor so it often runs longer than necessary. We prepare all meals at home on our electric stove, and he opens the fridge regularly to check out snacks. His appetite has increased and he has a special diet due to his swallowing problems and type 2 Diabetes. I shop daily for groceries to keep up. Our dishwasher runs a couple times daily. We didn't even need one before the injury. Hot water for cleaning counter tops and washing down our floors. He's messier now when using the bathroom. There's extra laundry detergent, D W detergent, Lysol cleaners, etc. With 2 people home rather than out working, the house gets dirty faster. For 2 yrs we paid out of pocket for medical and drugs while waiting for Medicare to be active. We blew through almost all assets and small savings. His SSDI put him over our State limit for Medicaid help. After medicare became active his SSDI check was reduced by his monthly $96.40 and part D drug coverage. We still can't afford his Medigap insurance because it's an additional $340.00 in addition.
I haven't mentioned the things that break and must be replaced due to his poor coordination/eyesight. Five electric shavers in 3 yrs, 4 cell phones (either dropped or pulled the flip top off), $380 replacement of our ceramic stove cooktop, new refrigerator door handle (he thought it pulled to the side rather than straight out), countless towel bar replacements for when he mistook them for his grab bars, etc etc.
Add in my loss of income from not working and the reduction of my SS because I had to draw early (I'm older than him). I'm grateful that he survived, but his family is convinced that this is a financial windfall for me/us. They've heard urban legends of disabled people who who get a huge back payment from SSDI. They refuse to grasp that our savings and assets were used just to make it this far. They not only refuse to help, but are mad at me and none of the siblings or cousins speak to me any more. We are cut off from even their wisdom and emotional support. My Mother in Law has written my husband out of her will - giving his share to his siblings. In 3 yrs I've had one 5 day break alone. The burden of keeping things afloat financially without any rest, is overwhelming. I worry about what will happen to him if I can no longer keep things going. My point is that the cost of living increases unbelievably when one is caring for elderly parents or a disabled loved one. Not to mention the costs of not earning income and the loss of mobility. It's impossible to work out these extra expenses in advance. Just make sure the topic is on the table and that the issue will be reviewed on a regular basis. If you are a relative of someone disabled with a family care giver - please don't judge harshly. If there is an inheritance at some point, please don't begrudge the disabled person, or his caregiver.
@Notmyself; Excellent points. My husband suffered a disabling brain injury 3 yrs ago. He is 58 now. I am his sole care giver because our State had few support resources even before the economy dwindled. He did not get a large back payment check from SS Disability because he was approved 2 months after he came home from the hospital. SSDI during his hospitalization went directly to the hospital and nursing home, - not us. Income for the yr injured was $3,500. Thank God we had saved some for retirement or we would have been on the street. I was totally unprepared for how our household bills would skyrocket with his disability and living home. A prospective care giver needs to make sure family members understand that this topic will need to be revisited once it becomes apparent what the new expenses are.
Our electric doubled. He is cold in Winter and too hot in Summer and moves the thermostat continually. before his brain injury he'd just put on a sweater. I do at least 2 loads laundry daily because he is a bit incontinent. It used to be 2 or 3 loads a week! He uses wash rags to collect saliva from his Dysphagia. The electric for the W&D, electric hot water. Our dryer doesn't have a moisture sensor so it often runs longer than necessary. We prepare all meals at home on our electric stove, and he opens the fridge regularly to check out snacks. His appetite has increased and he has a special diet due to his swallowing problems and type 2 Diabetes. I shop daily for groceries to keep up. Our dishwasher runs a couple times daily. We didn't even need one before the injury. Hot water for cleaning counter tops and washing down our floors. He's messier now when using the bathroom. There's extra laundry detergent, D W detergent, Lysol cleaners, etc. With 2 people home rather than out working, the house gets dirty faster. For 2 yrs we paid out of pocket for medical and drugs while waiting for Medicare to be active. We blew through almost all assets and small savings. His SSDI put him over our State limit for Medicaid help. After medicare became active his SSDI check was reduced by his monthly $96.40 and part D drug coverage. We still can't afford his Medigap insurance because it's an additional $340.00 in addition.
I haven't mentioned the things that break and must be replaced due to his poor coordination/eyesight. Five electric shavers in 3 yrs, 4 cell phones (either dropped or pulled the flip top off), $380 replacement of our ceramic stove cooktop, new refrigerator door handle (he thought it pulled to the side rather than straight out), countless towel bar replacements for when he mistook them for his grab bars, etc etc.
Add in my loss of income from not working and the reduction of my SS because I had to draw early (I'm older than him). I'm grateful that he survived, but his family is convinced that this is a financial windfall for me/us. They've heard urban legends of disabled people who who get a huge back payment from SSDI. They refuse to grasp that our savings and assets were used just to make it this far. They not only refuse to help, but are mad at me and none of the siblings or cousins speak to me any more. We are cut off from even their wisdom and emotional support. My Mother in Law has written my husband out of her will - giving his share to his siblings. In 3 yrs I've had one 5 day break alone. The burden of keeping things afloat financially without any rest, is overwhelming. I worry about what will happen to him if I can no longer keep things going. My point is that the cost of living increases unbelievably when one is caring for elderly parents or a disabled loved one. Not to mention the costs of not earning income and the loss of mobility. It's impossible to work out these extra expenses in advance. Just make sure the topic is on the table and that the issue will be reviewed on a regular basis. If you are a relative of someone disabled with a family care giver - please don't judge harshly. If there is an inheritance at some point, please don't begrudge the disabled person, or his caregiver.
@mamu: Agreed that it's distasteful to gain from the honor of caring for our parents. If they can contribute to take care of all or part of their expenses,- that's ideal. By all means take payment for rent and services if that's legal and will help them qualify for extra needed help. Certainly use the money they give, first to cover your extra expenses and second to pay for things they need like medicines and insurance. Our parents are not a profit stream. Ideally we all work together to come up with the most productive solutions as a unit. Just make sure that you keep track of expenses and keep siblings/family members in the discussion.
@mamu: Agreed that it's distasteful to gain from the honor of caring for our parents. If they can contribute to take care of all or part of their expenses,- that's ideal. By all means take payment for rent and services if that's legal and will help them qualify for extra needed help. Certainly use the money they give, first to cover your extra expenses and second to pay for things they need like medicines and insurance. Our parents are not a profit stream. Ideally we all work together to come up with the most productive solutions as a unit. Just make sure that you keep track of expenses and keep siblings/family members in the discussion.
emacp -- your story is heart-wrenching and makes our situation sound like a walk in the park. Thank you for taking the time to share just a small window into your daily world. God bless you! mbjamm
emacp -- your story is heart-wrenching and makes our situation sound like a walk in the park. Thank you for taking the time to share just a small window into your daily world. God bless you! mbjamm
As the adult children of one or more parents with Alzheimer's Disease, our numbers are growing. One of us needs to testify before Congress(I'm sure most of them have relatives with AD.)We need a cure and a vaccine; and in the meantime, we need help! Almost twelve years ago, we bought a 3-flat apartment building, my mother, brother and myself. Our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2007, although it probably started around 2005. She's 88 years-old, in good physical health and will surely wind up putting both my brother and I in our graves from having strokes. She's not a wanderer, doesn't try to drive anymore and she still knows who we are. (By the way, my brother's 13 year-old daughter lives with us.) Ma does have "Sundowner Syndrome", but it often comes in the morning too. She has gone through the personality change, and I swear, it's as though she's become pure evil. You cannot talk to her, because she will usually find something to pick a fight about. She can't remember anything from one minute to the next; practically all the classic symptoms. She swears she will leave and sell the building, neither of which she can do. What's really unfortunate is the effect this is having on my niece. I keep telling my brother to go into therapy and to send my niece as well. He says he will go, but never does, and he refuses to send my niece. Ma called her a liar a few weeks ago, which really upset her. Well, our situation just happened; I'm sure it was all God's plan. There was no question of what to do with Ma; she was already here. I'll admit this may sound a little amusing; I hope so. If my brother and I didn't laugh, we'd cry and never stop.
As the adult children of one or more parents with Alzheimer's Disease, our numbers are growing. One of us needs to testify before Congress(I'm sure most of them have relatives with AD.)We need a cure and a vaccine; and in the meantime, we need help! Almost twelve years ago, we bought a 3-flat apartment building, my mother, brother and myself. Our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2007, although it probably started around 2005. She's 88 years-old, in good physical health and will surely wind up putting both my brother and I in our graves from having strokes. She's not a wanderer, doesn't try to drive anymore and she still knows who we are. (By the way, my brother's 13 year-old daughter lives with us.) Ma does have "Sundowner Syndrome", but it often comes in the morning too. She has gone through the personality change, and I swear, it's as though she's become pure evil. You cannot talk to her, because she will usually find something to pick a fight about. She can't remember anything from one minute to the next; practically all the classic symptoms. She swears she will leave and sell the building, neither of which she can do. What's really unfortunate is the effect this is having on my niece. I keep telling my brother to go into therapy and to send my niece as well. He says he will go, but never does, and he refuses to send my niece. Ma called her a liar a few weeks ago, which really upset her. Well, our situation just happened; I'm sure it was all God's plan. There was no question of what to do with Ma; she was already here. I'll admit this may sound a little amusing; I hope so. If my brother and I didn't laugh, we'd cry and never stop.
My heart goes out to you and your brother. First of all please if you can find a caregivers group please attend their meetings. I myself had moments of anger and despair not only because of my husband's condition but not knowing he was starting alzheimer's symptoms. I begrudged him for not giving me time to mourn my son's death and my mother's death soon after. With my daughter's urging I decided to attend one of the meetings and also counseling at the local Catholic Charities counseling session. It took me two years to release my anger that tore my heart and I never thought felt I would recover from it. I am a private person and I didn't want to open my heart to a stranger but I forced myself to go and I can help myself and listen to others and talk which helps all of us. My daughter became active directs the meeting now and active in finding help for others. Perhaps with these meetings not only can we help each other we can gain information that can benefit us and the patient. I hope so. Alzheimer patients say things to hurt and don't remember what they said and if we say something out of frustration and anger they will not remember it. I hope our State representatives can come and listen to the heartache of careatakers and help those who are in a situation who have so much weight on their shoulders. God bless you and I pray for all who go through this.
My heart goes out to you and your brother. First of all please if you can find a caregivers group please attend their meetings. I myself had moments of anger and despair not only because of my husband's condition but not knowing he was starting alzheimer's symptoms. I begrudged him for not giving me time to mourn my son's death and my mother's death soon after. With my daughter's urging I decided to attend one of the meetings and also counseling at the local Catholic Charities counseling session. It took me two years to release my anger that tore my heart and I never thought felt I would recover from it. I am a private person and I didn't want to open my heart to a stranger but I forced myself to go and I can help myself and listen to others and talk which helps all of us. My daughter became active directs the meeting now and active in finding help for others. Perhaps with these meetings not only can we help each other we can gain information that can benefit us and the patient. I hope so. Alzheimer patients say things to hurt and don't remember what they said and if we say something out of frustration and anger they will not remember it. I hope our State representatives can come and listen to the heartache of careatakers and help those who are in a situation who have so much weight on their shoulders. God bless you and I pray for all who go through this.
I wonder if all of us who are in this situation should contact our State Representatives and ask them to bring this issue up in their sessions they have in Congress or Senate. Aren't they suppose to represent the Citizens of this country? I am sorry to sound unsympathetic towards others who get their disability checks each month but I fell AD is very serious compared to a lot of disabilities people receive compensation for. Their legs and arms still move, their minds are not effected. This is a serious injustice for the family of patients with AD. I for one have been constantly seeking help for my husband who has served 21 years in the military 15 years of working at a Chemical plant and 15 years of working in the school system. Now he is reduced to a person who cannot find the bathroom, bedroom and cannot be left alone. I am lucky my children are compassionate and do whatever they can to help around the house. They are young and raising their own children so I do not ask them for financial help. But it is just as hard for them to work all day and come here to take care of the yard and help us many of the chores around us. One of my son travels 90 miles to work and has his hardship with Mulitiple Sclorisis but he does come and his family helps us do whatever is to heavy for us. My daughter works and she comes after work and dosn't go home till all is safe and sound here. It's 20 miles to her home. I kow there will be a day they will have to worry about their own health. Our State Representatives cannot be blind to this.
I wonder if all of us who are in this situation should contact our State Representatives and ask them to bring this issue up in their sessions they have in Congress or Senate. Aren't they suppose to represent the Citizens of this country? I am sorry to sound unsympathetic towards others who get their disability checks each month but I fell AD is very serious compared to a lot of disabilities people receive compensation for. Their legs and arms still move, their minds are not effected. This is a serious injustice for the family of patients with AD. I for one have been constantly seeking help for my husband who has served 21 years in the military 15 years of working at a Chemical plant and 15 years of working in the school system. Now he is reduced to a person who cannot find the bathroom, bedroom and cannot be left alone. I am lucky my children are compassionate and do whatever they can to help around the house. They are young and raising their own children so I do not ask them for financial help. But it is just as hard for them to work all day and come here to take care of the yard and help us many of the chores around us. One of my son travels 90 miles to work and has his hardship with Mulitiple Sclorisis but he does come and his family helps us do whatever is to heavy for us. My daughter works and she comes after work and dosn't go home till all is safe and sound here. It's 20 miles to her home. I kow there will be a day they will have to worry about their own health. Our State Representatives cannot be blind to this.
http://www.alz.org/join_the_cause_advocacy.asp
Here's a place to start! Write your reps and write them often. This is a national epidemic! I could go on and on, but I'd be preaching to the choir!
http://www.alz.org/join_the_cause_advocacy.asp
Here's a place to start! Write your reps and write them often. This is a national epidemic! I could go on and on, but I'd be preaching to the choir!
I aaam 83 with congestive hheart failureeeee and vascular desease I live alone had a dog had to give him up my son and his wife live out of state and my sons wife is very cold have seen them seldom and she told dr I was negative compulsive thinker and repeated myself all the time the nurse that comes denies this my daughter lives in the area but she has her own life they wanted to know my finances I doubt if I will get any help from them I worked very hard for them and worked while I ttook care of husband and helped them go to college my prognosis is about a year I know I couldnt have tried aaany harder so I will not expect aaanything ,and try to face the future with courage it of course dissaapointing
I aaam 83 with congestive hheart failureeeee and vascular desease I live alone had a dog had to give him up my son and his wife live out of state and my sons wife is very cold have seen them seldom and she told dr I was negative compulsive thinker and repeated myself all the time the nurse that comes denies this my daughter lives in the area but she has her own life they wanted to know my finances I doubt if I will get any help from them I worked very hard for them and worked while I ttook care of husband and helped them go to college my prognosis is about a year I know I couldnt have tried aaany harder so I will not expect aaanything ,and try to face the future with courage it of course dissaapointing
I am very sorry and sad to hear of your situation. I pray that the your situation will improve. First of all can you apply for medicaid and have someone help you search for some of the benefits out there to improve your situation? If your husband was a veteran perhaps there may be some benefits for the surviving spouse. It is sad that your daughter-in-law does not have the compassion to be a good listener, helper. Unfortunately we all get old and her time is comming and I hope she can reflect on her behavior. Please continue to stay in touch with us and perhaps someone can come up with a solution. I hope your son will be strong enough to think wisely and come to your assistance. We all worked and raised children when we were young and if we were called to help our parents we found the time just as our parents did. I will pray for you and I hope some one can come up with some idea to help you. And I am so sorry you had to give up your dog. Animals are honest and faithful they can be such a good company for you. God bless you and please stay in touch.
I am very sorry and sad to hear of your situation. I pray that the your situation will improve. First of all can you apply for medicaid and have someone help you search for some of the benefits out there to improve your situation? If your husband was a veteran perhaps there may be some benefits for the surviving spouse. It is sad that your daughter-in-law does not have the compassion to be a good listener, helper. Unfortunately we all get old and her time is comming and I hope she can reflect on her behavior. Please continue to stay in touch with us and perhaps someone can come up with a solution. I hope your son will be strong enough to think wisely and come to your assistance. We all worked and raised children when we were young and if we were called to help our parents we found the time just as our parents did. I will pray for you and I hope some one can come up with some idea to help you. And I am so sorry you had to give up your dog. Animals are honest and faithful they can be such a good company for you. God bless you and please stay in touch.
I took care of my husband from 2002 to 2008 until he passed. He was in a horrific accident that left him a double amputee with an ileostomy. He needed 24 hour care. It bankrupted us because here there is not much help for people like us. We were middle income homeowners. Our income went from 85,000 a year to 25,000 overnight. I dont regret taking care of him and would do it again but it is not for the weak. I loved him very much and still miss him even though it has been 3 years since he left. I say God bless anyone that will care for a loved one instead of sending them away.
I took care of my husband from 2002 to 2008 until he passed. He was in a horrific accident that left him a double amputee with an ileostomy. He needed 24 hour care. It bankrupted us because here there is not much help for people like us. We were middle income homeowners. Our income went from 85,000 a year to 25,000 overnight. I dont regret taking care of him and would do it again but it is not for the weak. I loved him very much and still miss him even though it has been 3 years since he left. I say God bless anyone that will care for a loved one instead of sending them away.
To be safely fair, have them move into the assisted living. No matter how much you do, your sibling will have the concept that Mom and Dad are giving you money that they're not giving them. They will not see the work you do or the things you give up and there will be hard feelings all around. Plus you really shouldn't have to give up your lifestyle when your sibs don't and you will unconsciously resent that, especially when they charge you of taking money from Mom and Dad. Your parents will really have more personal freedom and independence in the assisted living. Take it from one who has been there- when dealing with aging parents, everyone becomes little spoiled kids again.
To be safely fair, have them move into the assisted living. No matter how much you do, your sibling will have the concept that Mom and Dad are giving you money that they're not giving them. They will not see the work you do or the things you give up and there will be hard feelings all around. Plus you really shouldn't have to give up your lifestyle when your sibs don't and you will unconsciously resent that, especially when they charge you of taking money from Mom and Dad. Your parents will really have more personal freedom and independence in the assisted living. Take it from one who has been there- when dealing with aging parents, everyone becomes little spoiled kids again.
That is good question, but I would not charge them for rent but if you can help contribute towards utilites and food that might help you and them. I do not know if your parents like to cook and help around the house then they feel useful. Sitting around while you do all the does not feel good with them and you become overwhelmed. I could not keep my parents out of the kitchen because they like contributing when they could when they were staying at my home, but you can sit down talk with them and see how they feel about that situation.
That is good question, but I would not charge them for rent but if you can help contribute towards utilites and food that might help you and them. I do not know if your parents like to cook and help around the house then they feel useful. Sitting around while you do all the does not feel good with them and you become overwhelmed. I could not keep my parents out of the kitchen because they like contributing when they could when they were staying at my home, but you can sit down talk with them and see how they feel about that situation.
I so agree with all you said. Old age is a time to repay our parents for all the sacrifices they made for us. I never got a chance. My dad died on the job while I was young.
I so agree with all you said. Old age is a time to repay our parents for all the sacrifices they made for us. I never got a chance. My dad died on the job while I was young.
My father moved in with my husband and I 4 years ago everything went up! They love to run water use the oven when it is something that could be but in a microwave, more laundry and soap. You get the idea, not to count all the time I have to spend in his meals and all of his other needs. Dad brings in $2100 per month which about $600 for his perscriptions and doctor visits cost. I keep the rest as I can not longer work as I did before. At first I felt guilty but no longer not after I found out how much work it is and all of the stress. DON'T FEEL GUILTY, IT IS ONLY GOING TO GET HARDER. With that said I am glad that I did it but not wish this on anyone!
My father moved in with my husband and I 4 years ago everything went up! They love to run water use the oven when it is something that could be but in a microwave, more laundry and soap. You get the idea, not to count all the time I have to spend in his meals and all of his other needs. Dad brings in $2100 per month which about $600 for his perscriptions and doctor visits cost. I keep the rest as I can not longer work as I did before. At first I felt guilty but no longer not after I found out how much work it is and all of the stress. DON'T FEEL GUILTY, IT IS ONLY GOING TO GET HARDER. With that said I am glad that I did it but not wish this on anyone!
I am sure most seniors want to help pay their way. Most people dont want to be a burden on anyone. I hope I never reach that point in my life where I cannot take care of myself. My oldest daughter says she wants to take care of me someday but I hope that I quietly slip away before that happens. Right now at 69 I am still raising 2 grandchildren.
I am sure most seniors want to help pay their way. Most people dont want to be a burden on anyone. I hope I never reach that point in my life where I cannot take care of myself. My oldest daughter says she wants to take care of me someday but I hope that I quietly slip away before that happens. Right now at 69 I am still raising 2 grandchildren.
I am sorry by why does everyone want to go to goverment for help? You are all children of parents that did not take steps to provide for themselves if illness or a accident left them with a condition so that they could not take care of themselves. My father went through all the savings and money market and then sold his home to buy, buy, buy after my mom died and had worked her whole life to put those things in place. He thought of life insurance as a waste! I am taking the steps to make sure that this does not happen to my children. And I for one had all four of my kids because I wanted to, not to make them feel like they owed me in my old age. They all have children of their own now and they all give me so much joy. I am taking care of my dad out of respect for my dear mother, she loved him very much but told me before she died that he was very selfish and predicted that this would happen. We are struggling and I am taking it one day at a time.
I am sorry by why does everyone want to go to goverment for help? You are all children of parents that did not take steps to provide for themselves if illness or a accident left them with a condition so that they could not take care of themselves. My father went through all the savings and money market and then sold his home to buy, buy, buy after my mom died and had worked her whole life to put those things in place. He thought of life insurance as a waste! I am taking the steps to make sure that this does not happen to my children. And I for one had all four of my kids because I wanted to, not to make them feel like they owed me in my old age. They all have children of their own now and they all give me so much joy. I am taking care of my dad out of respect for my dear mother, she loved him very much but told me before she died that he was very selfish and predicted that this would happen. We are struggling and I am taking it one day at a time.
Sometimes you can save and put back for retirement and one really bad accident can change everything. We thought we were doing well. Even raising 3 grandchidren that had been abused and abandoned by the parents. Even putting money away for their future. But one unforeseen accident took it all away. All our planning went out the window. Never judge to quickly.
Sometimes you can save and put back for retirement and one really bad accident can change everything. We thought we were doing well. Even raising 3 grandchidren that had been abused and abandoned by the parents. Even putting money away for their future. But one unforeseen accident took it all away. All our planning went out the window. Never judge to quickly.
Our experience is somewhat different than some but it worked out well for us. We did advance planing with my parents on their future living arrangements. When my dad died in 1991 we put the plans into motion. We added a small 1 bdrm attached apt to our home for my mom. She had only social security income and very little savings so an assisted living ctr was not an option. Our kids were grown so there was room for her in the house but at 80 she "didn't want to be a burden" (her words) by moving into the house with us. She insisted on paying rent and helping some with utilities. She ate her evening meal with us each day so she bought some food also. She was able to be on her own during the day so I continued to work but came home each day to have lunch with her. Our kids also stepped into the gap and helped take care of her so my husband and I were able to have time alone. Mom began showing signs of Alzheimers about 6 years after she moved in and within a few months was in need of 24 hr supervision and we moved her to a care center near our home. The time we spent with her and caring for her was difficult at times but we've never regretted the experience! By his choice my only sibling missed out on this time of her life. My husband and I now live in the apartment and our son and his family live in the house. They plan to do for us what we did for my mom - as long as it's possible.
Our experience is somewhat different than some but it worked out well for us. We did advance planing with my parents on their future living arrangements. When my dad died in 1991 we put the plans into motion. We added a small 1 bdrm attached apt to our home for my mom. She had only social security income and very little savings so an assisted living ctr was not an option. Our kids were grown so there was room for her in the house but at 80 she "didn't want to be a burden" (her words) by moving into the house with us. She insisted on paying rent and helping some with utilities. She ate her evening meal with us each day so she bought some food also. She was able to be on her own during the day so I continued to work but came home each day to have lunch with her. Our kids also stepped into the gap and helped take care of her so my husband and I were able to have time alone. Mom began showing signs of Alzheimers about 6 years after she moved in and within a few months was in need of 24 hr supervision and we moved her to a care center near our home. The time we spent with her and caring for her was difficult at times but we've never regretted the experience! By his choice my only sibling missed out on this time of her life. My husband and I now live in the apartment and our son and his family live in the house. They plan to do for us what we did for my mom - as long as it's possible.
That is a wonderful story and I know you sleep well at night. You did the right thing and it sounds like it was all done with love.
That is a wonderful story and I know you sleep well at night. You did the right thing and it sounds like it was all done with love.
Charging your parents for staying with you has many implications. One is how can you think in terms of monetary value when parents want to stay with you. Have we forgotten our childhood? other aspect relates to your own parents ability to pay and their feeling of self esteem. Obviously a fair and open discussion between parents and yourself is needed. Money should not be a prime consideration. Our duty towards our parents should be primary. Any money received for looking after should be kept aside for the use of parents and major expenditure like medical etc
Charging your parents for staying with you has many implications. One is how can you think in terms of monetary value when parents want to stay with you. Have we forgotten our childhood? other aspect relates to your own parents ability to pay and their feeling of self esteem. Obviously a fair and open discussion between parents and yourself is needed. Money should not be a prime consideration. Our duty towards our parents should be primary. Any money received for looking after should be kept aside for the use of parents and major expenditure like medical etc
Given the parents ability and desire to pay, accepting payment would satisfy their sense of fairness, give them peace of mind, and compensate the caregiver for going above and beyond what siblings are will be doing; which can help keep the natural resentment at bay as the caregiving requirements increase. One respondent spoke about parents not charging children; however, the arrangement is very much like alimony and child support payments from one non-custodial parent to the primary caregiver parent. Caretaking has a very apparent value to not only the receiver of the care but also to that person's friends and family. Caretaking by a loving family member is priceless. Loss of personal time also has value.
Given the parents ability and desire to pay, accepting payment would satisfy their sense of fairness, give them peace of mind, and compensate the caregiver for going above and beyond what siblings are will be doing; which can help keep the natural resentment at bay as the caregiving requirements increase. One respondent spoke about parents not charging children; however, the arrangement is very much like alimony and child support payments from one non-custodial parent to the primary caregiver parent. Caretaking has a very apparent value to not only the receiver of the care but also to that person's friends and family. Caretaking by a loving family member is priceless. Loss of personal time also has value.
Charging rent is a bad idea, no matter how well meaning. My brother looked up the same law to charge my mom rent but he was living in HER home which was paid free and clear. She may be paying more in assisted living, but I know up front that it is a business enterprise and that she is getting the care she wasn't getting. Money always causes problems in families.
Charging rent is a bad idea, no matter how well meaning. My brother looked up the same law to charge my mom rent but he was living in HER home which was paid free and clear. She may be paying more in assisted living, but I know up front that it is a business enterprise and that she is getting the care she wasn't getting. Money always causes problems in families.
Well I have gone to a lawyer myself and my uncle was taken to court by his sister, because she helped her mom part time in the mother's home and wanted to be paid for her time. The court gave the sister $32,000 more of the son's money. So, and I know of more cases. It is legal to be paid for your time. I had to quit my job because my dad need's 24 hour care, and my time is worth something, plus having to replace rugs from peeing and replacing his chair for the same reason. I have one brother and I gave him the option of getting paid but that would mean that he would have to do what I am doing! Very quickly he said that he couldn't and has never mention money again.
Well I have gone to a lawyer myself and my uncle was taken to court by his sister, because she helped her mom part time in the mother's home and wanted to be paid for her time. The court gave the sister $32,000 more of the son's money. So, and I know of more cases. It is legal to be paid for your time. I had to quit my job because my dad need's 24 hour care, and my time is worth something, plus having to replace rugs from peeing and replacing his chair for the same reason. I have one brother and I gave him the option of getting paid but that would mean that he would have to do what I am doing! Very quickly he said that he couldn't and has never mention money again.
for heaven's sake - let your parents help you financially if they can!! Of course, I would take care of mom and dad in a heartbeat if they were unable to contribute. But they can and that is one little bit of assistance in my very hard journey of taking care of frail mother and Dad with Alzheimer's. And please remember that many caretakers are taking care of parents that weren't exactly loving. I too have the burden of their daily care, while my siblings can lead their life without change. Should I sacrifice my health, financial well-being so that they will be able to have a larger inheritance? The parents assets are there for just this time - to help them have a more pleasant life in the last years. And financially aiding children to care for you in their home makes for so much of a happier time. You know the adage - "you can't take it with you". What would they be saving their assets for? Financially here is how their care has impacted my husband and I: 1. I can work dramatically fewer hours. Our income is reduced so that we can save nothing right now for our retirement. 2. I expend large of amounts of gasoline ferrying them to medical and personal appointments. 3. I have to hire a part time housekeeping just to keep up. Only 4 hours per month but I pay for that. 4. Their many extra supply needs - they use huge amounts of kleenex, drink Boost, have numerous over the counter meds, desire fairly expensive food. They want home cooked meals - lots of gas keeping our cupboards full. 5. We have to pay for my health insurance because I can't work enough hours to get that paid for - $300 per month. and more. 6. Have to pay for someone to sit with them for the rare times we can get away. Here's how it effects us otherwise: Can't see grandchildren or have most family here - Dad is too volatile. Husband and I have no privacy. Husband and I can no longer just go out to eat without a lot of work. I spend countless hours taking care of their paperwork. I'm utterly tired all of the time... and on and on. And we are so willing to do this because we love them. So having them help out a little financially - AOK. God bless all who try to care of their parents and God bring a little compassion to all of those who don't... but see fit to criticize.
for heaven's sake - let your parents help you financially if they can!! Of course, I would take care of mom and dad in a heartbeat if they were unable to contribute. But they can and that is one little bit of assistance in my very hard journey of taking care of frail mother and Dad with Alzheimer's. And please remember that many caretakers are taking care of parents that weren't exactly loving. I too have the burden of their daily care, while my siblings can lead their life without change. Should I sacrifice my health, financial well-being so that they will be able to have a larger inheritance? The parents assets are there for just this time - to help them have a more pleasant life in the last years. And financially aiding children to care for you in their home makes for so much of a happier time. You know the adage - "you can't take it with you". What would they be saving their assets for? Financially here is how their care has impacted my husband and I: 1. I can work dramatically fewer hours. Our income is reduced so that we can save nothing right now for our retirement. 2. I expend large of amounts of gasoline ferrying them to medical and personal appointments. 3. I have to hire a part time housekeeping just to keep up. Only 4 hours per month but I pay for that. 4. Their many extra supply needs - they use huge amounts of kleenex, drink Boost, have numerous over the counter meds, desire fairly expensive food. They want home cooked meals - lots of gas keeping our cupboards full. 5. We have to pay for my health insurance because I can't work enough hours to get that paid for - $300 per month. and more. 6. Have to pay for someone to sit with them for the rare times we can get away. Here's how it effects us otherwise: Can't see grandchildren or have most family here - Dad is too volatile. Husband and I have no privacy. Husband and I can no longer just go out to eat without a lot of work. I spend countless hours taking care of their paperwork. I'm utterly tired all of the time... and on and on. And we are so willing to do this because we love them. So having them help out a little financially - AOK. God bless all who try to care of their parents and God bring a little compassion to all of those who don't... but see fit to criticize.
I agree 100%, and God Bless you!
I agree 100%, and God Bless you!
Amen!
Amen!
Hi. I think the poster was being practical. Of course the parents would be cared for with out without any monetary compensation~! However, what would you recommend when one child is doing ~everything and the other children call once in a while, come in once every few months and then rush to get home, go out shopping and dinner with the parent and always end up getting a new pair of shoes or something. My thought is that the inheritance should be taken into consideration when one child is the caregiver and the others are not. If you haven't been in a caregivers shoes, especially a child/parent situation, you wouldn't believe all it entails. I'm just thinking it's an okay thing to get a bit compensated just as a hired person would. Other sibs would only get the money in the inheritance anyway and we'd be left behind burnt, missing many events for both hubby, wife and children as main caregivers. I wouldn't however, change anything. My mom raised six children, one with downs syndrome, (in which my sibs have nothing to do with although I asked many times for them to take him for an ice cream when they're in or write cards or call him...he's in a group home...) I would never want her in an assisted living or nursing (I'm an RN) as she is thriving well with all the children around and action at our home. As we ask of compensation it is with deep respect and care not to take advantage in any way, but there is in fact a difference in someone being the caregiver 23/7 for many years and someone who may come in for a social visit once every month or few months for a day.
Hi. I think the poster was being practical. Of course the parents would be cared for with out without any monetary compensation~! However, what would you recommend when one child is doing ~everything and the other children call once in a while, come in once every few months and then rush to get home, go out shopping and dinner with the parent and always end up getting a new pair of shoes or something. My thought is that the inheritance should be taken into consideration when one child is the caregiver and the others are not. If you haven't been in a caregivers shoes, especially a child/parent situation, you wouldn't believe all it entails. I'm just thinking it's an okay thing to get a bit compensated just as a hired person would. Other sibs would only get the money in the inheritance anyway and we'd be left behind burnt, missing many events for both hubby, wife and children as main caregivers. I wouldn't however, change anything. My mom raised six children, one with downs syndrome, (in which my sibs have nothing to do with although I asked many times for them to take him for an ice cream when they're in or write cards or call him...he's in a group home...) I would never want her in an assisted living or nursing (I'm an RN) as she is thriving well with all the children around and action at our home. As we ask of compensation it is with deep respect and care not to take advantage in any way, but there is in fact a difference in someone being the caregiver 23/7 for many years and someone who may come in for a social visit once every month or few months for a day.