I am dealing with life after caregiving now. I was the primary caregiver for my mom. She had been sick most of my life, but got progressively worse over time. My mom passed away eight months ago and I'm still grieving. I understand exactly what you mean by "not knowing your purpose" anymore. I feel the same way. I am trying to focus on my life finally. Hang in there! It takes time. You will find your new purpose.

I am dealing with life after caregiving now. I was the primary caregiver for my mom. She had been sick most of my life, but got progressively worse over time. My mom passed away eight months ago and I'm still grieving. I understand exactly what you mean by "not knowing your purpose" anymore. I feel the same way. I am trying to focus on my life finally. Hang in there! It takes time. You will find your new purpose.

I was the primary caregiver for my mother who was sick for a couple of years with a very steep decline physically and mentally the last year. It was brutally difficult. Her medical / hospice team was not very good, and my brother was "absent," so it all fell to me, and though I loved my mother deeply all my life, it took a very serious toll on my life in every conceivable way. With some of my own work after her death, an eviction proceeding to get me out of her apartment (where I'd been living for 4 years) and now the dismantling and moving out of her place, I have never been more wrecked or exhausted in my life. I can't wait to be free again to live my own life, and remember her in her strength and glory. Right now all I can recall is the incapacitated, sick, dependent mother and how insanely stressed and helpless and exhausted I was and have been for so long now. I think it will take time to get back into my own rhythms, as you talk about, Ranae, but I am hoping I will relax into it, because I feel I have lost myself and my capacity to feel pleasure, joy, or relaxation. TIme is a luxury I have not had for so long, and I can't wait to wake up and say, "What do I want to do today?" instead of "Oh my God, I have to get these 97 things done immediately, because someone's life is at stake, and the deadlines are creeping up, and nobody else is handling any of it!!!" I think down the line I will feel really good that I did absolutely everything I knew to do at the time, to make the best choices, and I'm glad I was with her every step of the way. I don't know what my brother will feel, having done next to nothing, but I know I really showed up. And very soon, it's going to be time for me to care for myself the way I cared for her - with gentleness and firmness, with purpose and balance. Good luck to us all.

I was the primary caregiver for my mother who was sick for a couple of years with a very steep decline physically and mentally the last year. It was brutally difficult. Her medical / hospice team was not very good, and my brother was "absent," so it all fell to me, and though I loved my mother deeply all my life, it took a very serious toll on my life in every conceivable way. With some of my own work after her death, an eviction proceeding to get me out of her apartment (where I'd been living for 4 years) and now the dismantling and moving out of her place, I have never been more wrecked or exhausted in my life. I can't wait to be free again to live my own life, and remember her in her strength and glory. Right now all I can recall is the incapacitated, sick, dependent mother and how insanely stressed and helpless and exhausted I was and have been for so long now. I think it will take time to get back into my own rhythms, as you talk about, Ranae, but I am hoping I will relax into it, because I feel I have lost myself and my capacity to feel pleasure, joy, or relaxation. TIme is a luxury I have not had for so long, and I can't wait to wake up and say, "What do I want to do today?" instead of "Oh my God, I have to get these 97 things done immediately, because someone's life is at stake, and the deadlines are creeping up, and nobody else is handling any of it!!!" I think down the line I will feel really good that I did absolutely everything I knew to do at the time, to make the best choices, and I'm glad I was with her every step of the way. I don't know what my brother will feel, having done next to nothing, but I know I really showed up. And very soon, it's going to be time for me to care for myself the way I cared for her - with gentleness and firmness, with purpose and balance. Good luck to us all.

Hello Ranae,

I think it is important to remember two things. One is that you are still a caregiver, only the one receiving the care has changed. Now it is you. You need to focus on your own care at this point in time. You have just recently gone through a very deep loss and now you are also changing the place you call home. That has created the loss of your comfort zone. The second thing is that your grandfather would not want you to be grieved at his passing as this is a part of life that no-one has any control over and he would want you to be strong and continue on, making a difference in someone elses world as you did in each others. When we lose a loved one, it is important to do our grief work, which by the way can take a lifetime to finish, and make the life of our loved one count for something by getting involved and passing on that love we were giving to our loved one to someone else. I have also been a caregiver for many years, I lost my mom to cancer when I was 6 years old and since then it has been a constant string of losses throughout my life ending with the loss of my aunt who lived with me this past year on hospice and who was the light of my life. If you are battling depression, the best thing you can do for yourself is to seek medical attention to see if there is a physical cause for your depression to make sure it is not just grief related depression since you have dealt with depression for awhile now. But you also need to accept what you can not change, like your grandmother changing things around in the house, and try and make a home of your own where you can find comfort and serenity. Be very patient with yourself, even taking yourself out for an ice cream sundae or Starbucks latte and give yourself time to deal with the painful loss you have just experienced. It hurts. There is no other way to deal with that but to experience the hurt and move on as best as you can by investing yourself in others and in yourself. There are sooooo many people out there who are in need of care, either in the form of a friendship, a confidant, a companion or just someone to sit with. Best of luck to you and remember you are still here so you are a survivor!

Hello Ranae,

I think it is important to remember two things. One is that you are still a caregiver, only the one receiving the care has changed. Now it is you. You need to focus on your own care at this point in time. You have just recently gone through a very deep loss and now you are also changing the place you call home. That has created the loss of your comfort zone. The second thing is that your grandfather would not want you to be grieved at his passing as this is a part of life that no-one has any control over and he would want you to be strong and continue on, making a difference in someone elses world as you did in each others. When we lose a loved one, it is important to do our grief work, which by the way can take a lifetime to finish, and make the life of our loved one count for something by getting involved and passing on that love we were giving to our loved one to someone else. I have also been a caregiver for many years, I lost my mom to cancer when I was 6 years old and since then it has been a constant string of losses throughout my life ending with the loss of my aunt who lived with me this past year on hospice and who was the light of my life. If you are battling depression, the best thing you can do for yourself is to seek medical attention to see if there is a physical cause for your depression to make sure it is not just grief related depression since you have dealt with depression for awhile now. But you also need to accept what you can not change, like your grandmother changing things around in the house, and try and make a home of your own where you can find comfort and serenity. Be very patient with yourself, even taking yourself out for an ice cream sundae or Starbucks latte and give yourself time to deal with the painful loss you have just experienced. It hurts. There is no other way to deal with that but to experience the hurt and move on as best as you can by investing yourself in others and in yourself. There are sooooo many people out there who are in need of care, either in the form of a friendship, a confidant, a companion or just someone to sit with. Best of luck to you and remember you are still here so you are a survivor!

My mother lived with me for nine years while she was developing alzheimers. We shared a home togther and my siblings wanted her to sell her house while she was still competent and they pressured her and made false accusations and blaming against me for five years and took away her financial resources. It got so bad that I sent mom to my sisters and one month later I was forced to sell my home. I lost my mother and my home all in six months. One year later my sister put my mother in a NH and she went down hill so fast since she has been there for six months. So I have had to adjust to living on my own also and have been a caregiver all my life too. I am learning to take care of myself now and I don't speak to my sister and brother now because of the things they said and did. I am feeling guilty for not being strong enough to endure the family tension and mom's illness.

My mother lived with me for nine years while she was developing alzheimers. We shared a home togther and my siblings wanted her to sell her house while she was still competent and they pressured her and made false accusations and blaming against me for five years and took away her financial resources. It got so bad that I sent mom to my sisters and one month later I was forced to sell my home. I lost my mother and my home all in six months. One year later my sister put my mother in a NH and she went down hill so fast since she has been there for six months. So I have had to adjust to living on my own also and have been a caregiver all my life too. I am learning to take care of myself now and I don't speak to my sister and brother now because of the things they said and did. I am feeling guilty for not being strong enough to endure the family tension and mom's illness.

Ranae1221: You are going through a trying time right now. Put yourself in your grandmother's place. She may not be able to see but still might feel her husband's personal things in the house. I know a lot of people that couldn't bear having their spouses belongings in the house after their spouse passed away and others that wanted their belongings to stay put for a long time. After my wife passed away( at home) of Alzheimer's last year my daughter in law started cleaning out my wife's belongings. I had to tell her to stop. I did not want everything removed. I had her bring back my wife's clothes so I could look at them and decide what I wanted to keep in the closet to remind me of the good years and times we had together. Then donate the rest. I stayed in my home. I wanted a rememberance and maybe your grandmother could not bear having his things there. You should try to control your depression by whatever means are required.You are grieving your grandfather and from all I have read this is good because this is the path to healing your grief. My wife passed away 15 months ago and I thought my life had ended. I felt just as you do. I attended our local Bridges and hospice grievence groups. These groups helpep pull me back from depression. They helped make me feel that my life is worth living.I now am learning to accept the fact that God took my wife. Accepting it is the hard part. I care for our cemetery lot visiting my wife there almost daily. Keeping it looking nice. I care for the 2 cats that my wife loved dearly and was loved back by them. I spend weekends with my son and his wife. I am not too well but try to carry on the way Shirley would want me to. This Cares.com site is a real good one to find answers to your questions. also a lot of good reading on the internet for most questions you may have. Just type a question on a search (Google or other) and you have the world open up to you. If you try you can accomplish almost anything. Good Luck. RRC

Ranae1221: You are going through a trying time right now. Put yourself in your grandmother's place. She may not be able to see but still might feel her husband's personal things in the house. I know a lot of people that couldn't bear having their spouses belongings in the house after their spouse passed away and others that wanted their belongings to stay put for a long time. After my wife passed away( at home) of Alzheimer's last year my daughter in law started cleaning out my wife's belongings. I had to tell her to stop. I did not want everything removed. I had her bring back my wife's clothes so I could look at them and decide what I wanted to keep in the closet to remind me of the good years and times we had together. Then donate the rest. I stayed in my home. I wanted a rememberance and maybe your grandmother could not bear having his things there. You should try to control your depression by whatever means are required.You are grieving your grandfather and from all I have read this is good because this is the path to healing your grief. My wife passed away 15 months ago and I thought my life had ended. I felt just as you do. I attended our local Bridges and hospice grievence groups. These groups helpep pull me back from depression. They helped make me feel that my life is worth living.I now am learning to accept the fact that God took my wife. Accepting it is the hard part. I care for our cemetery lot visiting my wife there almost daily. Keeping it looking nice. I care for the 2 cats that my wife loved dearly and was loved back by them. I spend weekends with my son and his wife. I am not too well but try to carry on the way Shirley would want me to. This Cares.com site is a real good one to find answers to your questions. also a lot of good reading on the internet for most questions you may have. Just type a question on a search (Google or other) and you have the world open up to you. If you try you can accomplish almost anything. Good Luck. RRC

Hi ranae, your posting hit home with me. My son had a progressive brain disease. Diagnosed when he was 24 and I was 44. He always lived with me and stayed 7 1/2 yrs after he was diagnosed, I was able to buy a home with a handicapped addition. I had help during the day while I was at work but he was my primary focus in life. I had to put him in NJ in a NH when he was 32. I couldn't handle his explosive behavior. My mother went to see him 5 days a wk, my 2 days off I spent with him. after 3 yrs. that nursing home closed and I put him in one closer to me. I went to see him 6 days a wk before work, took him out on weekends, sometimes overnight. My sister & daughter said they would visit but were always busy. He was how I defined myself. I was a person with a son who had a disability. Everyday started with my visit to him. after 3 1/2 yrs. he passed away. I was prepared for everything but the hollowness inside me. I had no one who needed me, no purpose in life. I felt, as you do, that what was the point of a life I had no interest in. My sister and daughter could not comprehend my emptiness and didn't invite me over or ask me to do things to fill the gap. I had spent 38 of my 58 yrs with my son. I had his things packed in the attic from when he went in the NH. I could not throw them out. I went through the counseling programs and a year of feeling numb. I needed to find something, anything, to help fill the void. I joined an excercise class. When someone at work suggested lunch, I accepted. I literally had to make a life for me. as luck or the Lord would have it, my daughter had a son and his middle name was my son's. He didn't replace my son but it gave me somewhere to focus my love. I also switched to working in a children's hospital instead of with adults. sometimes I help the parents with what their going through. It has been 5 yrs. I will never be the same but I make sure I have activities and projects to look forward to, goals to achieve. I have made a few beautiful friends. It's a slow process but it does get easier. You are at the very beginning of the journey of healing and dealing with your grief. I wish you luck, love & happiness. P.s. I still have some of my son's items in the attic and if I want to keep them there another 5 yrs that is no one's concern but mine. God Bless!

Hi ranae, your posting hit home with me. My son had a progressive brain disease. Diagnosed when he was 24 and I was 44. He always lived with me and stayed 7 1/2 yrs after he was diagnosed, I was able to buy a home with a handicapped addition. I had help during the day while I was at work but he was my primary focus in life. I had to put him in NJ in a NH when he was 32. I couldn't handle his explosive behavior. My mother went to see him 5 days a wk, my 2 days off I spent with him. after 3 yrs. that nursing home closed and I put him in one closer to me. I went to see him 6 days a wk before work, took him out on weekends, sometimes overnight. My sister & daughter said they would visit but were always busy. He was how I defined myself. I was a person with a son who had a disability. Everyday started with my visit to him. after 3 1/2 yrs. he passed away. I was prepared for everything but the hollowness inside me. I had no one who needed me, no purpose in life. I felt, as you do, that what was the point of a life I had no interest in. My sister and daughter could not comprehend my emptiness and didn't invite me over or ask me to do things to fill the gap. I had spent 38 of my 58 yrs with my son. I had his things packed in the attic from when he went in the NH. I could not throw them out. I went through the counseling programs and a year of feeling numb. I needed to find something, anything, to help fill the void. I joined an excercise class. When someone at work suggested lunch, I accepted. I literally had to make a life for me. as luck or the Lord would have it, my daughter had a son and his middle name was my son's. He didn't replace my son but it gave me somewhere to focus my love. I also switched to working in a children's hospital instead of with adults. sometimes I help the parents with what their going through. It has been 5 yrs. I will never be the same but I make sure I have activities and projects to look forward to, goals to achieve. I have made a few beautiful friends. It's a slow process but it does get easier. You are at the very beginning of the journey of healing and dealing with your grief. I wish you luck, love & happiness. P.s. I still have some of my son's items in the attic and if I want to keep them there another 5 yrs that is no one's concern but mine. God Bless!

My mother was 90 when she left her home and moved to assisted living. Her mental and physical condition deteriorated over time and after four years they asked that we move her to a skilled nursing facility because she required more care than they were able to provide. She spent a year in the NH but we were quickly running out of money. We (my sister and I) were at our wits end trying to figure out what we would do. My job suddenly decided to downsize and offered me a early retirement package. It was like a gift from heaven. I took the early retirement and equipped my home for mother to come stay permanently with me. It was an adjustment because I never had children so Mama's diaper was the first one I ever changed. She could not dress, feed, or bathe herself. She couldn't even stand. I had to lift her from the bed to the wheel chair several times per day. Frankly, it was the most demanding thing I had ever done. I was confined at home 24/7. But it was rewarding and I wouldn't trade that time to be there for her. She passed away in December after being here only 6 months. I'm still lost trying to decide what is next for my life. I'm bored out of my mind now and have been seeking a new job. I have great hope that I will find a new life and into that life I'll take my new self. Caring for Mama changed me. I was able to do and endure things I never knew possible. My spirit and soul are enriched and for that I'm gratful to her. She didn't know me but her need fulfilled a need in me to return all the love and care she had always given to me. Be thankful for the person you become because you were/are a caregiver. It is a special kind of person who can fill that role and there is a heavenly reward for your selflessness. Thank you Mama for loving me and for needing me. And, you're welcome for helping me become a better person.

My mother was 90 when she left her home and moved to assisted living. Her mental and physical condition deteriorated over time and after four years they asked that we move her to a skilled nursing facility because she required more care than they were able to provide. She spent a year in the NH but we were quickly running out of money. We (my sister and I) were at our wits end trying to figure out what we would do. My job suddenly decided to downsize and offered me a early retirement package. It was like a gift from heaven. I took the early retirement and equipped my home for mother to come stay permanently with me. It was an adjustment because I never had children so Mama's diaper was the first one I ever changed. She could not dress, feed, or bathe herself. She couldn't even stand. I had to lift her from the bed to the wheel chair several times per day. Frankly, it was the most demanding thing I had ever done. I was confined at home 24/7. But it was rewarding and I wouldn't trade that time to be there for her. She passed away in December after being here only 6 months. I'm still lost trying to decide what is next for my life. I'm bored out of my mind now and have been seeking a new job. I have great hope that I will find a new life and into that life I'll take my new self. Caring for Mama changed me. I was able to do and endure things I never knew possible. My spirit and soul are enriched and for that I'm gratful to her. She didn't know me but her need fulfilled a need in me to return all the love and care she had always given to me. Be thankful for the person you become because you were/are a caregiver. It is a special kind of person who can fill that role and there is a heavenly reward for your selflessness. Thank you Mama for loving me and for needing me. And, you're welcome for helping me become a better person.

Well, well, well. As you have read, each situation is different with the same trauma. I became the Caregiver for my wife when she was diagnosed with Ovarion Cancer. I had NO CLUE what was going to happen over the next three years. No one could help me prepare for the emotional challenges I faced and the emotional changes she went through. She died a week after our 35th anniversary. Friends, family and coworkers had worried I would go first because of the strain. Several months later, a friend and his wife began a similar journey. His wife had breast cancer and asked for my advice. I was able to help him before and after she died. I remarried and now my previous experience is being used to help my wife take care of her mother. The first time NEVER leaves you and any future Caregiving is NOT any easier. My role this time is to assist my wife in whatever she needs. When her mother passes, she will be different and we will start living our life again. My suggestion, to you, is don't fight your emotions just deal with them and take time to heal.

Well, well, well. As you have read, each situation is different with the same trauma. I became the Caregiver for my wife when she was diagnosed with Ovarion Cancer. I had NO CLUE what was going to happen over the next three years. No one could help me prepare for the emotional challenges I faced and the emotional changes she went through. She died a week after our 35th anniversary. Friends, family and coworkers had worried I would go first because of the strain. Several months later, a friend and his wife began a similar journey. His wife had breast cancer and asked for my advice. I was able to help him before and after she died. I remarried and now my previous experience is being used to help my wife take care of her mother. The first time NEVER leaves you and any future Caregiving is NOT any easier. My role this time is to assist my wife in whatever she needs. When her mother passes, she will be different and we will start living our life again. My suggestion, to you, is don't fight your emotions just deal with them and take time to heal.

When my mother was living with me when she was developing alz. as the disease progressed she became aggressive. With the family tension, blaming me for her getting this disease and mom's mood swings became unbearable and I was pretty well burnt out. So my decision to send her to my sisters was irrational. It was my plan to be with mom in her elder years to take care of her. The situation was not a good one for either my mother or me. She is safe now and getting the care maybe I couldn't give her but thought and believed I could. But she has not adjusted to it and it is hard to see her so unhappy. My sister is even blaming me for her not adjusting to it because I was taking her out. She gets out a lot on weekends. But every time I see her I want to bring her home and care for her, but I know at this stage it would very difficult and I don't have the family support and my sister is POA and took away moms financial resources from her when she was still living with me. It would not be a good idea to put myself in that situation again.

When my mother was living with me when she was developing alz. as the disease progressed she became aggressive. With the family tension, blaming me for her getting this disease and mom's mood swings became unbearable and I was pretty well burnt out. So my decision to send her to my sisters was irrational. It was my plan to be with mom in her elder years to take care of her. The situation was not a good one for either my mother or me. She is safe now and getting the care maybe I couldn't give her but thought and believed I could. But she has not adjusted to it and it is hard to see her so unhappy. My sister is even blaming me for her not adjusting to it because I was taking her out. She gets out a lot on weekends. But every time I see her I want to bring her home and care for her, but I know at this stage it would very difficult and I don't have the family support and my sister is POA and took away moms financial resources from her when she was still living with me. It would not be a good idea to put myself in that situation again.

Dear Exhausted/Devoted, I share so many of your feelings. My Mother was the healthiest person I have ever known, until Alzheimer's disease hit. She had Alzheimer's for 20 years! For the first number of years,she remained at home, with much care from me. She finally fell and broke a hip and had to go to a nursing home. She was in 5 different nursing homes in 7 1/2 years. Every time she was in the hospital for infections she picked up there and general neglect, even though I was there almost every day, I would move her to another home. They are all terrible! When she finally stopped eating and drinking, even for me, she was put on Hospice. I brought her home, set up her hospital bed in the middle of my living room, and thought I might be lucky to have her perhaps 3 weeks. She passed away in April, 2 months short of 4 years with me. I had to quit work to care for her. It has drained me physically, emotionally, and financially. I'm not sure I can get my house sold, before I lose it. I'm in my 60's, and the chances of finding another job are slim and none. I wake up every day with a migraine or tension headache. Losing my Mother and my best friend has been bad enough, but I think I have aged 10 years in the lase 4. I,too have lost myself, like so many of you. I suffer from depression and terrible insomnia. I became a hermit while caring for Mother, and now I still can't seem to get out of the house. I can't remember what happiness is, much less joy. Even though life really stinks right now, if I had it to do over again, I would do the same thing. And,I, like you, have a brother who has done absolutely nothing. I never dreamed that my family would turn their backs on Mother. She was the very best Mother and grandmother anyone could wish for. But, never an offer to help from any of them in all the years. It really eats at me every day, and I know it is only hurting me, not them. But, I have really lost my family. May we all find our way back to joy, Lilylynne

Dear Exhausted/Devoted, I share so many of your feelings. My Mother was the healthiest person I have ever known, until Alzheimer's disease hit. She had Alzheimer's for 20 years! For the first number of years,she remained at home, with much care from me. She finally fell and broke a hip and had to go to a nursing home. She was in 5 different nursing homes in 7 1/2 years. Every time she was in the hospital for infections she picked up there and general neglect, even though I was there almost every day, I would move her to another home. They are all terrible! When she finally stopped eating and drinking, even for me, she was put on Hospice. I brought her home, set up her hospital bed in the middle of my living room, and thought I might be lucky to have her perhaps 3 weeks. She passed away in April, 2 months short of 4 years with me. I had to quit work to care for her. It has drained me physically, emotionally, and financially. I'm not sure I can get my house sold, before I lose it. I'm in my 60's, and the chances of finding another job are slim and none. I wake up every day with a migraine or tension headache. Losing my Mother and my best friend has been bad enough, but I think I have aged 10 years in the lase 4. I,too have lost myself, like so many of you. I suffer from depression and terrible insomnia. I became a hermit while caring for Mother, and now I still can't seem to get out of the house. I can't remember what happiness is, much less joy. Even though life really stinks right now, if I had it to do over again, I would do the same thing. And,I, like you, have a brother who has done absolutely nothing. I never dreamed that my family would turn their backs on Mother. She was the very best Mother and grandmother anyone could wish for. But, never an offer to help from any of them in all the years. It really eats at me every day, and I know it is only hurting me, not them. But, I have really lost my family. May we all find our way back to joy, Lilylynne

My husband was sick for 1 1/2 yrs and I was his primary caregiver. He passed away on March 31st and I've been trying to put my life back together ever since. I've made some mistakes along the way, have trusted people I shouldn't have and continue to struggle with trying to find who I am now that I'm a widow. Just saying those words seem so odd to me. In some ways it feels like this couldn't possibly be happening and in other ways it feels like I haven't seen John in years. I try to focus on the 19 yrs we had together rather than what I lost, but lately that just seems like shrink talk. I miss him; my life will never be the same and I have no idea who I am now. (sigh) But life goes on and so must I.
I wish you all peace.

My husband was sick for 1 1/2 yrs and I was his primary caregiver. He passed away on March 31st and I've been trying to put my life back together ever since. I've made some mistakes along the way, have trusted people I shouldn't have and continue to struggle with trying to find who I am now that I'm a widow. Just saying those words seem so odd to me. In some ways it feels like this couldn't possibly be happening and in other ways it feels like I haven't seen John in years. I try to focus on the 19 yrs we had together rather than what I lost, but lately that just seems like shrink talk. I miss him; my life will never be the same and I have no idea who I am now. (sigh) But life goes on and so must I.
I wish you all peace.

Oh, Lilylynne. Your story is sad and so familiar. You HAVE aged disproportionately with so much stress coursing through your system on a continual basis. Cortisol - the stress hormone can really wear you out. For what it's worth I think you should fiercely do what you can to treat yourself extra good - total pampering whenever and however you can. I think you need to break the cycle that your body has become accustomed to - namely helplessness, hopelessness, anger and exhaustion. Remind it that life can be pleasurable however you can. Jumpstart your immune system. With some very real issues financial and otherwise, it's probably unrealistic to go away on a cruise or something like that, but try to find ways to make your mind and body relax and feel good. Can you go away for a day at the beach? Do something you used to love? Go visit a friend you love to be with? There's always going to be more crap to do, but these reminders of how life used to be pretty good can get us through to the next stage. PS - I think there's nothing wrong with a little medication help to get you through this tough chapter. It does take the edge off. I say all of this to you, as I say it to myself. I am trying to do these things for myself so that I will not be consumed by overwhelming futility. I remind myself that life will gradually get better again, and that my mother's journey is not my journey. I did everything I could to help her, but I still have life left to live. I am not at the end stage. It sounds ridiculous, but I have to remind myself, because in my love and missing her, I sometimes feel I need to become her in some way. But I am (hopefully) still healthy and able. And I know she wouldn't have wanted me to go down the tubes with her. She wanted the best life for me, was proud of me, and loved me ceaselessly, as I'm sure your mother did for you. I'd love to know how you're doing. Maybe we should check in with each other. Best of luck.

Oh, Lilylynne. Your story is sad and so familiar. You HAVE aged disproportionately with so much stress coursing through your system on a continual basis. Cortisol - the stress hormone can really wear you out. For what it's worth I think you should fiercely do what you can to treat yourself extra good - total pampering whenever and however you can. I think you need to break the cycle that your body has become accustomed to - namely helplessness, hopelessness, anger and exhaustion. Remind it that life can be pleasurable however you can. Jumpstart your immune system. With some very real issues financial and otherwise, it's probably unrealistic to go away on a cruise or something like that, but try to find ways to make your mind and body relax and feel good. Can you go away for a day at the beach? Do something you used to love? Go visit a friend you love to be with? There's always going to be more crap to do, but these reminders of how life used to be pretty good can get us through to the next stage. PS - I think there's nothing wrong with a little medication help to get you through this tough chapter. It does take the edge off. I say all of this to you, as I say it to myself. I am trying to do these things for myself so that I will not be consumed by overwhelming futility. I remind myself that life will gradually get better again, and that my mother's journey is not my journey. I did everything I could to help her, but I still have life left to live. I am not at the end stage. It sounds ridiculous, but I have to remind myself, because in my love and missing her, I sometimes feel I need to become her in some way. But I am (hopefully) still healthy and able. And I know she wouldn't have wanted me to go down the tubes with her. She wanted the best life for me, was proud of me, and loved me ceaselessly, as I'm sure your mother did for you. I'd love to know how you're doing. Maybe we should check in with each other. Best of luck.

Dear Exhausted/Devoted, Thank you so much for your kind words. I will try to follow your suggestions. It is 5:19 AM in North Carolina. I really have to get back on a time schedule with the rest of the world. That seems to be my biggest hurdle right now. Thanks again and have a great day. I'll try to, also. Lilylynne

Dear Exhausted/Devoted, Thank you so much for your kind words. I will try to follow your suggestions. It is 5:19 AM in North Carolina. I really have to get back on a time schedule with the rest of the world. That seems to be my biggest hurdle right now. Thanks again and have a great day. I'll try to, also. Lilylynne

It may take a while to get back on human time. I still wake up between 4 and 5 with crushing anxiety about all that lies ahead of me, and all that fell out behind me. Yes. Have a great day.

It may take a while to get back on human time. I still wake up between 4 and 5 with crushing anxiety about all that lies ahead of me, and all that fell out behind me. Yes. Have a great day.

After my daughter passed away from complications of spina bifida 5 years ago at the age of 19, I was lost. I have had depression for at least 20 years on and off. Not only was I caring for her needs since I was 17, I was also caregiving for my 10 year old son with autism, my husband who was diagnosed with leukemia, and I was working as a nurse in long term care. I have seen so much death, both peaceful and painless, and prolonged and tragic. Not surprisingly, I eventually came to the point where I could not be a caregiver for ANYONE anymore. Two years ago, I walked away from it and began the painful process of looking after my own well being. The stress of all this triggered Bipolar disorder in me. I strongly advise you to see your doctor and a counselor and be honest with them. Years of conditioning has made me put on a brave happy face to everyone and actually was an obstacles to my treatment. Make the appointment NOW! You are worth it!

As for your grandmother, I can empathize with you both. My husband's family threw out my daughters possessions, and I literally lost my mind. My friends and family came to the rescue with pictures, and items that they had from her. I'm working on making a memorial webpage. On the other side, I have worked with many elderly couples during the end of life process and always, it broke my heart. To see the heart of an 85 year old man break before my eyes; the love of an entire lifetime lost; the family dynamics of children, parents, grandparents and sibling all trying to do what they think is best; the spouse admitted within 6 months, time and time again, for their own final journey. Most likely your grandmother is lost in a surreal world. She needs your love and support. She is very much at risk for serious health problems. Anyway you look at it, it's an awful and lonely place to be. You can help her by making time for your own healthy grieving and health. Maybe you can even contact your home care/visiting nurses to see if she could be checked on regularly. Also many hospice organizations offer free support groups and counseling (open to anyone with a loss) that could benefit you both. The bottom line is that this life is transient and temporary. Things don't equal love and don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Life has some painful lessons; don't waste them. Loving and peaceful thoughts to you.

After my daughter passed away from complications of spina bifida 5 years ago at the age of 19, I was lost. I have had depression for at least 20 years on and off. Not only was I caring for her needs since I was 17, I was also caregiving for my 10 year old son with autism, my husband who was diagnosed with leukemia, and I was working as a nurse in long term care. I have seen so much death, both peaceful and painless, and prolonged and tragic. Not surprisingly, I eventually came to the point where I could not be a caregiver for ANYONE anymore. Two years ago, I walked away from it and began the painful process of looking after my own well being. The stress of all this triggered Bipolar disorder in me. I strongly advise you to see your doctor and a counselor and be honest with them. Years of conditioning has made me put on a brave happy face to everyone and actually was an obstacles to my treatment. Make the appointment NOW! You are worth it!

As for your grandmother, I can empathize with you both. My husband's family threw out my daughters possessions, and I literally lost my mind. My friends and family came to the rescue with pictures, and items that they had from her. I'm working on making a memorial webpage. On the other side, I have worked with many elderly couples during the end of life process and always, it broke my heart. To see the heart of an 85 year old man break before my eyes; the love of an entire lifetime lost; the family dynamics of children, parents, grandparents and sibling all trying to do what they think is best; the spouse admitted within 6 months, time and time again, for their own final journey. Most likely your grandmother is lost in a surreal world. She needs your love and support. She is very much at risk for serious health problems. Anyway you look at it, it's an awful and lonely place to be. You can help her by making time for your own healthy grieving and health. Maybe you can even contact your home care/visiting nurses to see if she could be checked on regularly. Also many hospice organizations offer free support groups and counseling (open to anyone with a loss) that could benefit you both. The bottom line is that this life is transient and temporary. Things don't equal love and don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Life has some painful lessons; don't waste them. Loving and peaceful thoughts to you.

I know I should feel more empathy or compassion towards my grandma. But its hard when she is telling people that she "has never been happier". And she means it. She has always been a selfish person, and while she loved my grandpa, she loves herself more. She was horribly mean to him, and caused him so much stress and misery. Example- towards the last few months, he was sleeping in the guest bedroom because it was more comfortable for him. He wanted to lower the bed a few inches so he could get into it easier. My grandma-never using this bed- threw a fit. Refused to allow the bed to be lowered. Here is my grandpa, barely able to walk without getting short of breath, dying, wanting to sleep comfortable and she was more worried about a bed.

I have so much anger towards her. As horrible as it sounds, I wish she had died and my grandpa was still here.

I know I should feel more empathy or compassion towards my grandma. But its hard when she is telling people that she "has never been happier". And she means it. She has always been a selfish person, and while she loved my grandpa, she loves herself more. She was horribly mean to him, and caused him so much stress and misery. Example- towards the last few months, he was sleeping in the guest bedroom because it was more comfortable for him. He wanted to lower the bed a few inches so he could get into it easier. My grandma-never using this bed- threw a fit. Refused to allow the bed to be lowered. Here is my grandpa, barely able to walk without getting short of breath, dying, wanting to sleep comfortable and she was more worried about a bed.

I have so much anger towards her. As horrible as it sounds, I wish she had died and my grandpa was still here.

Hi... My mom died in March. I had a focus in life back then. I had so many things going on in my life and it was a huge balancing act. Now, with mom gone, life seems empty. I know it is not. Last year we went on vacation and my sister called me and tried to make me come home early because she was sure that mom was dying...she was just sick at that time. But we are going on vacation to the same place soon and it makes me wonder how I will feel.
As mom was dying, a number of things occurred in my life that just seemed to pile one depression on top of another even though I feel that some of that has lessened. But it seems that any small thing may tip me over. Recently, my ex husband died at the age of 61 and I fell apart and my sister pointed out to me that he was indeed my "ex" and had been for over 25 years. But he was a friend. And he was my daughter's father.
My poor daughter who has endured the break up of a marriage, arrest of her ex husband and she and her children in Safe House last summer, then she got an apartment, a new boyfriend, life was looking up and her father died. Her best friend, her cousin, moved a long way away and she has no outlets right now. So I knew that when her father died, it would tear her up and it has.
So now, I have lost my mother, have 2 daughters..one depressed and dealing with 2 teenagers who have an abusive father and are acting out over the divorce. And daughter number two who less than one year ago, buried her new baby's father, two months before the baby was born and has been trying to pull herself out of depression. And top that with the loss of our solid matriarch...my mom. And I'm thinking drinking is a pretty good option.
But anyway, I digress...it's just been so hard and I think that we all need counseling and in fact, we have all received it, but life really does seem empty....all of these losses and where do we go from here? I also forgot that my first daughter's new fiance's house also burned to the ground during all of this so, she, her boyfriend, and his teenage son, and her two teenagers are all living in a 2 bedroom apartment!!!
It's all too much.
Anyway, for today, I have to get around as I will be watching my new granddaughter...she is 8 months old now and already attempting to walk and she is truly the one joy we have all found throughout this time.
I'm sorry if I've rambled...Sometimes I just need to vent And I truly know that my losses cannot compare to the loss of a child.

Hi... My mom died in March. I had a focus in life back then. I had so many things going on in my life and it was a huge balancing act. Now, with mom gone, life seems empty. I know it is not. Last year we went on vacation and my sister called me and tried to make me come home early because she was sure that mom was dying...she was just sick at that time. But we are going on vacation to the same place soon and it makes me wonder how I will feel.
As mom was dying, a number of things occurred in my life that just seemed to pile one depression on top of another even though I feel that some of that has lessened. But it seems that any small thing may tip me over. Recently, my ex husband died at the age of 61 and I fell apart and my sister pointed out to me that he was indeed my "ex" and had been for over 25 years. But he was a friend. And he was my daughter's father.
My poor daughter who has endured the break up of a marriage, arrest of her ex husband and she and her children in Safe House last summer, then she got an apartment, a new boyfriend, life was looking up and her father died. Her best friend, her cousin, moved a long way away and she has no outlets right now. So I knew that when her father died, it would tear her up and it has.
So now, I have lost my mother, have 2 daughters..one depressed and dealing with 2 teenagers who have an abusive father and are acting out over the divorce. And daughter number two who less than one year ago, buried her new baby's father, two months before the baby was born and has been trying to pull herself out of depression. And top that with the loss of our solid matriarch...my mom. And I'm thinking drinking is a pretty good option.
But anyway, I digress...it's just been so hard and I think that we all need counseling and in fact, we have all received it, but life really does seem empty....all of these losses and where do we go from here? I also forgot that my first daughter's new fiance's house also burned to the ground during all of this so, she, her boyfriend, and his teenage son, and her two teenagers are all living in a 2 bedroom apartment!!!
It's all too much.
Anyway, for today, I have to get around as I will be watching my new granddaughter...she is 8 months old now and already attempting to walk and she is truly the one joy we have all found throughout this time.
I'm sorry if I've rambled...Sometimes I just need to vent And I truly know that my losses cannot compare to the loss of a child.

@ PTCruzr----> It feels like it all comes at once doesn't it? I'm so sorry for all your losses. You often hear from folks who mean well and the media, that one loss is more tragic than another. Just as no two loves are the same, no loss is the same as another. There are so many issues when someone dies- guilt, regret, abandonment to name a few. Your feelings of grief and loss are just as valid as another's and you don't have to compare it to anyone else's. It's very apparent that your overwhelmed...and you have reason to be! Sometimes it all seems too much to bear, especially when everywhere you turn the losses are in your face. It's soooo tempting to escape, and it may even make you feel better for a time. The problem is that you can't drink it away. Eventually, it will make your grief worse and can ruin your life. Everyone needs to escape their problems now and again. I think that we, as caregivers, have forgotten how to care for ourselves. We have put someone else's needs ahead of our own for so long, we've forgotten how. My boss, who was a wonderful spiritual person, told me to find the joy in cancer. That I needed to find my bliss. I thought she was absurd! She could not possibly know what I was going through! I kept it in the back of my mind (mostly because it irritated me!) and wished that it could be so. I get it now. I can't tell you how or why, but I do. My bliss is connecting with Nature. Walking in the woods or on the beach, getting lost driving in the country, camping, collecting and identifying plants, visiting with the occasional porcupine, coydog or woodpecker, picking blueberries from 10 foot tall blueberry TREES...it's wonderful what can happens when you don't have a plan and allow yourself to be happy again. The best thing you can do to help your daughters is to live again. You can't fix their pain or depression. You shouldn't "be strong and brave" or "never let them see you sweat". In fact, a trip down memory lane with a good cry surrounded by those you love is a good thing every now and again. Try not to let it define your life though. We are all in the unique position of being left to try and figure out what to do. No one can tell you what that is. It may take years, but you sound like a fighter to me! And, as I said in my first post, you DO deserve it. I hope you find it. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you strength and love to get through this terrible time in your lives.

@ PTCruzr----> It feels like it all comes at once doesn't it? I'm so sorry for all your losses. You often hear from folks who mean well and the media, that one loss is more tragic than another. Just as no two loves are the same, no loss is the same as another. There are so many issues when someone dies- guilt, regret, abandonment to name a few. Your feelings of grief and loss are just as valid as another's and you don't have to compare it to anyone else's. It's very apparent that your overwhelmed...and you have reason to be! Sometimes it all seems too much to bear, especially when everywhere you turn the losses are in your face. It's soooo tempting to escape, and it may even make you feel better for a time. The problem is that you can't drink it away. Eventually, it will make your grief worse and can ruin your life. Everyone needs to escape their problems now and again. I think that we, as caregivers, have forgotten how to care for ourselves. We have put someone else's needs ahead of our own for so long, we've forgotten how. My boss, who was a wonderful spiritual person, told me to find the joy in cancer. That I needed to find my bliss. I thought she was absurd! She could not possibly know what I was going through! I kept it in the back of my mind (mostly because it irritated me!) and wished that it could be so. I get it now. I can't tell you how or why, but I do. My bliss is connecting with Nature. Walking in the woods or on the beach, getting lost driving in the country, camping, collecting and identifying plants, visiting with the occasional porcupine, coydog or woodpecker, picking blueberries from 10 foot tall blueberry TREES...it's wonderful what can happens when you don't have a plan and allow yourself to be happy again. The best thing you can do to help your daughters is to live again. You can't fix their pain or depression. You shouldn't "be strong and brave" or "never let them see you sweat". In fact, a trip down memory lane with a good cry surrounded by those you love is a good thing every now and again. Try not to let it define your life though. We are all in the unique position of being left to try and figure out what to do. No one can tell you what that is. It may take years, but you sound like a fighter to me! And, as I said in my first post, you DO deserve it. I hope you find it. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you strength and love to get through this terrible time in your lives.

Hi, I do believe capaky in trying to find your bliss. Today, I took my daughter (who lost her father), granddaughter and my new grand baby to the lake to spend the day with my sister. On the way back, we remarked how often we wanted to call our lost loved one to tell them of an achievement but we can no longer do that. We also passed several churches of the denomination of my daughter's father and we both remembered him at that moment. Someday, I know that these will be fond memories for her but right now, it still hurts.
But all of us had a really fun day and hopefully, that will be a good memory for my daughter and granddaughter. My granddaughter (who is 16) tried her first attempt at water skiing and my daughter thought immediately that she wanted to share that with her Dad. But we are still in the mourning stage.
I hate to see autumn coming as the holidays are close behind and I know that will be a painful time again. We will survive...we always do and if we don't then we will be with loved ones who have left us. It's a win win. And although one loss was a 35 year old, one a 61 year old and one an 87 year old, they were all important to us and it has been one painful year. October 3 will be the 1 year anniversary of the 35 year old father of my new grandchild. She is such a darling baby and he never saw her. ANd she will be 1 year in December and my mom won't be here to see it.
In the meantime, my sister and her partner of over 20 years are planning on splitting up soon and this will be another loss to me.
My family was once made up of mom, dad, my sister, myself and 4 grandchildren and we celebrated almost all of the holidays together. The grandchildren grew up and two of the great grandchildren also shared these holidays together. Now, my sister's children and grandchildren live a ways away and she will probably plan the holidays with one of them and my children and grandchildren are still here. So I am lucky but 1/2 of my family is now gone. Time for new traditions... and time to get old and spend some of my holidays alone with my husband (who does not celebrate them) but my children and myself will make time to celebrate even if it is a different day. Because we need each other more than ever this year.
Just rambling again. Sorry...I hate the holidays and I should stop thinking so far ahead. (BTW, the holidays used to be my very favorite time of year and I have the most wonderful memories....still hurting here...but good memories nevertheless)

Hi, I do believe capaky in trying to find your bliss. Today, I took my daughter (who lost her father), granddaughter and my new grand baby to the lake to spend the day with my sister. On the way back, we remarked how often we wanted to call our lost loved one to tell them of an achievement but we can no longer do that. We also passed several churches of the denomination of my daughter's father and we both remembered him at that moment. Someday, I know that these will be fond memories for her but right now, it still hurts.
But all of us had a really fun day and hopefully, that will be a good memory for my daughter and granddaughter. My granddaughter (who is 16) tried her first attempt at water skiing and my daughter thought immediately that she wanted to share that with her Dad. But we are still in the mourning stage.
I hate to see autumn coming as the holidays are close behind and I know that will be a painful time again. We will survive...we always do and if we don't then we will be with loved ones who have left us. It's a win win. And although one loss was a 35 year old, one a 61 year old and one an 87 year old, they were all important to us and it has been one painful year. October 3 will be the 1 year anniversary of the 35 year old father of my new grandchild. She is such a darling baby and he never saw her. ANd she will be 1 year in December and my mom won't be here to see it.
In the meantime, my sister and her partner of over 20 years are planning on splitting up soon and this will be another loss to me.
My family was once made up of mom, dad, my sister, myself and 4 grandchildren and we celebrated almost all of the holidays together. The grandchildren grew up and two of the great grandchildren also shared these holidays together. Now, my sister's children and grandchildren live a ways away and she will probably plan the holidays with one of them and my children and grandchildren are still here. So I am lucky but 1/2 of my family is now gone. Time for new traditions... and time to get old and spend some of my holidays alone with my husband (who does not celebrate them) but my children and myself will make time to celebrate even if it is a different day. Because we need each other more than ever this year.
Just rambling again. Sorry...I hate the holidays and I should stop thinking so far ahead. (BTW, the holidays used to be my very favorite time of year and I have the most wonderful memories....still hurting here...but good memories nevertheless)