End of Life Support Group

Does anyone know if there is a group for those of in a relationship with a widow? There are many emotions and challenges that surface on both sides.

To "Anonymous care giver", Hi, I just read your comments from 17 days ago. I hope you are feeling better, in any way, than you felt back then. I have just passed the 1 year anniversary of my fiance' & greatest true love's death. I share your sense of urgency and anger & upset at the situations swirling about you. I can tell you that you will be ok, that you are going to make it through this toughest of times. As long as you keep breathing, the rest of the world will work out. I noticed your anger at the VA & others. I understand that you are angry & for a very good reason, however, I wonder, if you can let me share with you my thought on that? Regardless of what the VA does or doesnt do at this point, or anyone else for that matter, the main concern & focus of care giving, and for you is really much greater than the VA or anything. I hope you will be able to channel your energies into the loved ones you care for now. The rest doesn't matter, and will never match up. Even if the VA had told your man several months prior, it is very likely that it would not have made a difference anyway in the outcome. And, remember, Great Spirit asks that all souls return home when it is their time. I hope this gives you some comfort and peace. I hear a great amount of hopelessness in your writing. Although it may seem as if you cannot help anyone right now, or that there is too much for you to handle, take a deep breath and remember that you Know you are a tremendous help for so many, in so many ways, and more than you can imagine. You are like an Angel, who does for others what they cannot do alone. You must be very tired. Always remember that no matter how tired or hopeless you feel, it is because of the great work you are doing. It is because you are such a caring soul. You have a strength inside that allows things to be different & better for many people around you. Just keep breathing, healing breath in, toxic breath out. It is important now to rid yourself of all negativity, anger and the like, before it makes you sick. Your loved ones need you to be clear & strong for them. I pray for you & for all. By Your Side

don't know how I'm gonna keep it together tomorrow or any day after my fiANCE IS END STAGE LUNG disease and end stage liver cancer from untreated Hep c he is a former marine and the va has dropped the ball they could have told him sooner they knew! They didn't even tell him he had had a heart attack till 4 months later.Iam a health care worker and I take care of strangers and can't help the ones I love,my dad had a stroke 6 months ago so my mother who has alzheimers is in the nursing home, My blind brother lives with me and my friend of 32 years spent 8 months in a coma after getting perritonitis from surgery,on a vent, never wake up never come off but she did and the Dr. called me to tell me I got my miracle when she woke up, I can't take seeing my mother and she barely there I can't fix anything and now my Doc that I work for is riding me hard so I am afraid .............help me make since of all this

My husband has stage 4 glioblastoma brain cancer. Tumor was removed 12/11 and he received 25 bouts of radiation. Latest MRI now shows 2 more tumors which are inoperable so he is now Avastin and Temodar but now he sleeps all the time. He is very confused, shaking weak, What does this mean?

I lost the love of my life and now i'm losing my mind but i've gotta keep it together for my 2 yr old son any tips or thoughts.

i read these posts and of course compare my situation to these trials we go through. for me the trials are over and it is now six years since my mother died but the whole life she had and the last months are always near the surface of my mind. i became her watchdog and moved thorough the years to prime caregiver and advocate until she passed away when my father died suddenly of cardiac arrest. he at 71,she at 94. she lived on for 23 years.most of her 94 years were active and happy and healthy. it was only in the last five years that she gradually needed more active care, but preceding these years i gradually assumed more presence until she was living with me. i was lucky to have her without any dementia and happy that i could take care of her mainly at home. happy to be the caregiver to someone i got to know as a person beyond the mother role. when i was in my twenties i realized like an epiphiney one day how my parents were so selfless and caring for all those people in their lives and right then vowed to take care of them as they did so to others. as a result, when they died guilt was not any part of my grief. i cried the least while other guilt ridden family members cried the most. not to say i was not grief stricken, the empty days following the death were overwhelming. prior to, it was a busy time with people and home care folks coming and going. a unique social life had developed and expired with her death. it is a lonely time that gives way to another phase of life. how one deals with these days is crucial to the future happiness. as i say there is no place for guilt in the days and months that follow the death of a loved one. i hear the frustrations and weariness even the bitterness in the posts that people write, they are all valid, our lives aren't always filled with joy, they are what they are and as significant as we make them. the injuries we suffered as children and young adults can stay in mind when we are faced with the decline of parents. we are all a product of or upbringing. but, and i use the word in a large way, if one can put themselves in the shoes of our parents, not just now when they become dependents but also when they were younger bringing us up. thinking of their struggles to raise us ,or not, trying to picture what it was like for them when we were young just may make the feelings of bitterness and the "why do i have to do this" become less important when one does realize that the parents did the best they could with what they had at the time and would have given their life for us if necessary. this realization can make those last years or months go by smoothly. even if the outcome is that the formative years were not the best efforts of our parents, then the things you do for them can also be guilt free. feeling put upon, or abused needs to be resolved as these are not conducive to any goal of peace and good will. express your feelings without qualification to someone, a doctor, a shrink your siblings, it may be too late to deal with the parent directly but care for them only if you want to, not because you have to. don't make promises that are cast in stone because circumstances change. dementia and alzheimers can change the situation, money and physical abilities can as well. as long as one gives the best care that they can,this will make the last phase of life a good one. i hope my stream of conscienceness helps somebody.

Caregiver Bereavement

After caregiving for mom for 2 years, she recently passed away. What do you suggest for dealing with the grief and moving on with my life?

Hospice Care

Hi, it would be really great if someone could give me some suggestions/tips or advice on Hospice Care for my mom. Since I have intereviewed couple of Hospice companies, they have been aggresively pursuing me day and night and that's getting very irritating as if they are a sales business or something! Do they like need another patient to put it on their quota list?

I am very afraid that if i place my mom on hospice care, they will not take care of her as before but rather take care of her as if she is going to live ONLY for 6 months which is not true. I just want to make the right decision for my mom. I don't want her to be treated as if she has 6 months to live and her medical care to be comprosmised. Any suggestions would greatly help! Thank you and God bless all!

Life after caregiving

Its been a few months since I was here last. Since then I've moved out of my house and am making plans to move out of state. After my grandfather passed away, I just couldn't stay in the home anymore. It didn't feel like home. It didn't help that my grandmother changed EVERYTHING in the house. She got rid of all of his things within the 1st month. I know some may say 'well that's her way of coping', but the thing is she is blind. All his things were in a spare bedroom she never went into. She was told I wasn't ready for her to get rid of everything and she didn't care.

Anyhow, I'm now facing life on my own for the 1st time ever. I've never not been a caregiver. Even as a kid, my mom was always sick so I took care of her and my younger siblings.

I know I haven't begun to deal with my grandpa's death. I still dream about him being alive, and not a day goes by that, for a split second, I forget he's gone.

Its not been easy. I have a history of depression and have been in treatment for over 10 years. Being a caregiver, taking care of my grandparents gave my purpose. It gave me a reason to get through each day. And now I don't have that. I have plans to move out of state but I keep fighting the "just give up on life" feelings.

Anyone else had to face life after caregiving and found it to be not worth it?

Dying with COPD/Emphysema

My Mom is very very sick with COPD/Emphysema. She was in the hospital for over 30 days in March, then they moved her to a supposed SNF which when it was all over, was the worst place I ever could have sent her. She hated it and the staff complained constantly that she was using back pain as an excuse not to do her physical therapy. Well, guess what ? The very day they released her, she did not look well, in fact, she looked down right sickly. I brought her home and thought she would be alot more exicted than she was but about 10 hours later I was calling 911 for assistance because she had a fever over 102 and her back was hurting so badly that I was afraid to move her. Come to find out - HER TAIL BONE WAS BROKEN IN TWO PLACES AND HAD BEEN FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS SO THIS HAPPENED WHILE SHE WAS A PATIENT AT THE SNF.

Before March when she got really sick she was living at home with me doing great, she could walk fine, was doing her own breathing treatments, fixin meals, etc., but when she got sick, she contracted pneumonia and MRSA while in the hospital. They were able to get rid of it this time in March, but sending her to that rehab facility for 90 days was a big mistake. They had dropped her in the shower, I knew about that but was not EVER told that she had been dropped more than twice in Physical Therapy and somehow that is where she broke her tail bone. I've reported this facility to every agency I know to report them to in Florida and if anyone knows anything else I can do, please inform me.

Now my Mom is back in the hospital (a different and a better hospital) and has pneumonia again but this time they have found a pulmonary nodule and believe it may very well be lung cancer. This is her 2nd trip to the hospital since coming home on June 29th. So, she has copd, emphysema, a broken tail bone that can't be fixed because she can't be put to sleep under anesthesia, pneumonia and a horrible sore throat and cough. She had wanted to come home for a while but the Dr.s keep telling me that she is simply too sick to come home and that she needs to go to a hospice house. I do not know what is the right thing to do. She doesn't (or didn't before now), want to have anything to do with hospice which is understandable because it is admitting that she is dying but now that she is so sick, I think she understands how hard it will be for her to come home. I don't have any additional help, all family lives elsewhere and the Dr. will not release her without my insuring she has 24/7 care and I can't afford extra help, I only have me. I've thought about hospice coming into the home but her Doc says that she is so sick that she really needs to be inpatient at hospice and I don't understand what the difference is. It's my understanding that hospice can do anything for her at home that they can do as an inpatient in their facility about 4 miles away. She is in a relentless cycle of coming home, going back into the hospital, coming home and going back into the hospital and on an on. I know I need to put a stop to that but what will be different if hospice comes in, what will they do when she gets so sick that she needs to go to the hospital, will they just let her sit here at home and suffer or what happens. Of course, I have an appt. to speak w/someone, I'm just impatient wondering about what hospice can do that home health and I can't ? And I'm torn over whether or not to let her go into a hospice house or come home ? Any suggestions will be GREATLY appreciated. I am at a loss of decision right now and want to make the right one. Thanks so much for listening, I know this was a very loooong email. I appreciate all people here and you are all in my prayers and your family members and friends too.

LOL - Joy