I don't have any answers for you (I'm single, never married) but I just wanted to send my support for what you are going through. It sounds like your husband has just gone into a mode of waiting to (expecting to?) die soon. He sounds like a fatalist while you're someone who fights til the end. My mom has CHF at 90, has had it for years, and is doing just fine. She does her own laundry, takes care of herself and lives in independent living.

Is there anyone else in your husband's life that he could/would listen to or talk to about his loss of interest in life? A brother or friend for example? Doctor? I know with my dad, my mom could talk until she was blue in the face and he'd ignore her. I could ask/tell him to do something and he'd do it for me. So sometimes a third party can effect some change.

Does he have an adequate picture of his medical outlook? It sounds like he's in a reverse denial about his situation -- that he's much better off than he thinks he is.

Could you ever drag him into any kind of volunteer work? We can sometimes pull ourselves out of depression or feeling sorry for ourselves by being around and doing for those less fortunate than ourselves. You mention his love of your dog, would he ever do any volunteer activities at a local shelter, for example? Walk the dogs? Help with an event? Something like that?

Anyway...I'm out of ideas and really just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. You sound like a delightful woman and a caring, loving wife. I hope you get some good ideas from the experts or other members who have gone through something similar. Best wishes and please keep us posted. - Ann

I don't have any answers for you (I'm single, never married) but I just wanted to send my support for what you are going through. It sounds like your husband has just gone into a mode of waiting to (expecting to?) die soon. He sounds like a fatalist while you're someone who fights til the end. My mom has CHF at 90, has had it for years, and is doing just fine. She does her own laundry, takes care of herself and lives in independent living.

Is there anyone else in your husband's life that he could/would listen to or talk to about his loss of interest in life? A brother or friend for example? Doctor? I know with my dad, my mom could talk until she was blue in the face and he'd ignore her. I could ask/tell him to do something and he'd do it for me. So sometimes a third party can effect some change.

Does he have an adequate picture of his medical outlook? It sounds like he's in a reverse denial about his situation -- that he's much better off than he thinks he is.

Could you ever drag him into any kind of volunteer work? We can sometimes pull ourselves out of depression or feeling sorry for ourselves by being around and doing for those less fortunate than ourselves. You mention his love of your dog, would he ever do any volunteer activities at a local shelter, for example? Walk the dogs? Help with an event? Something like that?

Anyway...I'm out of ideas and really just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. You sound like a delightful woman and a caring, loving wife. I hope you get some good ideas from the experts or other members who have gone through something similar. Best wishes and please keep us posted. - Ann

Ann, I love your phrase "reverse denial" as I think you've hit the nail on the head there. What an interesting concept. His physicians, along with a dietician, have been VERY clear with him about where he's at, what good shape he's in overall and the need to do what he has to do to stay that way as long as possible and that this could be for a very long time.

He just spent a week in the hospital due to having gained 20 lbs of water weight which was even interfering with his ability to breath and speak due to the abdominal adema with all this water putting pressure on his diaphragm. He had, over that week (while he was receiving IV diuretics) several different roomates, all of whom who were MUCH more ill than he is. And it was VERY clear how sick they were --- all end stage CHF with their families crowding the room all to say "goodbye". He could well hear the strangled breathing sounds etc. from his room mates compared to his own less and less labored breathing as he rapidly lost all that water. He's down 22 lbs in one week! Even upon admission he never had wheezing or "rales" when he breathed. The nurses were rather surprised at how "dry" his lungs were, given all that water.

Before this, he had a brief hospitalization in November for an attempt at cardioversion for his long standing Atrial Fibrilation (though he's not aware of palpitations and it's at a low rate....although he has to take Coumadin because of it) and he has no symptoms. It was picked up during a routine EKG. The cardioversion was successful for a very short time, however he was in bradycardia with a heart rate in the 30's. Astonishing he wasn't light headed or faint. It didn't last long and he reverted to A-fib. BUT once again, his room mate was terribly ill with CHF and it was so very obvious as well as the comparison between the two of them.

In January he again was hospitalized briefly for implantation of a bi-ventricular pacemaker (I had to push for this as I knew in harnessing his left ventricle with the right, it would surely help). Again his roommate was at the edge of death with CHF and when he was here this last time, he learned the gentleman had died not long afterwards.

SO he certainly is aware of how ill he could GET to be, and had a brief taste of that this past week in hospital, if he's not strict in his compliance. He hadn't been weighing himself, and eating things too high in sodium when he wanted "in passing" he'd tell me...as though that hot dog just got up and leaped into his mouth. His physician and other ancillary providers (such as the dietician) have made it VERY clear how much control he has over his own condition and how well and how long he can do very well if he sticks with the program. Yup. Reverse denial...one way to look at it.

The other thing is that I think he just wants what he wants when he wants it and when something else says "no", then he's not adapting well to it. In other areas of his personality he is very much an "all or nothing" person. Drives me crazy.

Great idea about a sibling or offspring...someone other than me...to talk with him about this. He has a brother with whom he is fairly close, but his conversations with his brother are all about his brother's ailments (hip issues, bladder problems etc.....all his brother's universe)and not only exhausting, but not pleasant. Surprisingly, though, his brother is pretty positive about his situation(s), enjoys life and does what he can to adapt to be able to continue doing what he enjoys doing. Yet, none of this rubs off on my husband. Perhaps because he's tuned out the conversation during the second or third round about HIS ailments.

His daughter has rather miraculously survived TWO bouts of different cancers, neither of which her physicians expected her to survive. She fought like the dickens and as a result is doing very well and is cancer free. Wouldn't you think some of this would rub off as a good example to my husband? Nope. Zero connection.

About our dog. She's sweet and lovable, but I think the only reason he takes her out and walks he is because he HAS to. You had some great ideas, Ann, but I know he wouldn't do anything with a shelter...or anything else he doesn't "have" to do. I so wish I could say, "Fantastic! I just KNOW he'd do that". He'd far more rather sit in his chair with his cat in his lap. (sigh) or hope the cat would go and sleep on his bed when he's there.

Despite my asking him if he is wanting to push the envelope to get to the stage of his hospital roomates if he doesn't put in the small amount of daily exercise, gain a positive attitude (important in this, as in so many other things) and be compliant with his diet...to which he always answers "No"....it's like what you said about your mother. I could talk about this until I'm "blue in the face" and it's just heartbreaking.

Thank you so much for your supportive reply and nifty, sound ideas. Of course he has NO idea I've begun to write on this network. I'm nowadays on the computer after he goes to bed.

It just makes no sense, especially since so recently he's seen really "up close and personal" the results of what would/will happen if HE doesn't take control of his own health and how very much his quality of life is in HIS own hands. I'm out of ideas and very tired. Preparing for this move has done me in on top of everything else.

I'm thinking I've just got to try to ramp down my anger and pray more. Even if the result of my praying is that I'm feeling more calm and able to gain more control of my own issues with hypertension and fibromyalgia.

Ann, I love your phrase "reverse denial" as I think you've hit the nail on the head there. What an interesting concept. His physicians, along with a dietician, have been VERY clear with him about where he's at, what good shape he's in overall and the need to do what he has to do to stay that way as long as possible and that this could be for a very long time.

He just spent a week in the hospital due to having gained 20 lbs of water weight which was even interfering with his ability to breath and speak due to the abdominal adema with all this water putting pressure on his diaphragm. He had, over that week (while he was receiving IV diuretics) several different roomates, all of whom who were MUCH more ill than he is. And it was VERY clear how sick they were --- all end stage CHF with their families crowding the room all to say "goodbye". He could well hear the strangled breathing sounds etc. from his room mates compared to his own less and less labored breathing as he rapidly lost all that water. He's down 22 lbs in one week! Even upon admission he never had wheezing or "rales" when he breathed. The nurses were rather surprised at how "dry" his lungs were, given all that water.

Before this, he had a brief hospitalization in November for an attempt at cardioversion for his long standing Atrial Fibrilation (though he's not aware of palpitations and it's at a low rate....although he has to take Coumadin because of it) and he has no symptoms. It was picked up during a routine EKG. The cardioversion was successful for a very short time, however he was in bradycardia with a heart rate in the 30's. Astonishing he wasn't light headed or faint. It didn't last long and he reverted to A-fib. BUT once again, his room mate was terribly ill with CHF and it was so very obvious as well as the comparison between the two of them.

In January he again was hospitalized briefly for implantation of a bi-ventricular pacemaker (I had to push for this as I knew in harnessing his left ventricle with the right, it would surely help). Again his roommate was at the edge of death with CHF and when he was here this last time, he learned the gentleman had died not long afterwards.

SO he certainly is aware of how ill he could GET to be, and had a brief taste of that this past week in hospital, if he's not strict in his compliance. He hadn't been weighing himself, and eating things too high in sodium when he wanted "in passing" he'd tell me...as though that hot dog just got up and leaped into his mouth. His physician and other ancillary providers (such as the dietician) have made it VERY clear how much control he has over his own condition and how well and how long he can do very well if he sticks with the program. Yup. Reverse denial...one way to look at it.

The other thing is that I think he just wants what he wants when he wants it and when something else says "no", then he's not adapting well to it. In other areas of his personality he is very much an "all or nothing" person. Drives me crazy.

Great idea about a sibling or offspring...someone other than me...to talk with him about this. He has a brother with whom he is fairly close, but his conversations with his brother are all about his brother's ailments (hip issues, bladder problems etc.....all his brother's universe)and not only exhausting, but not pleasant. Surprisingly, though, his brother is pretty positive about his situation(s), enjoys life and does what he can to adapt to be able to continue doing what he enjoys doing. Yet, none of this rubs off on my husband. Perhaps because he's tuned out the conversation during the second or third round about HIS ailments.

His daughter has rather miraculously survived TWO bouts of different cancers, neither of which her physicians expected her to survive. She fought like the dickens and as a result is doing very well and is cancer free. Wouldn't you think some of this would rub off as a good example to my husband? Nope. Zero connection.

About our dog. She's sweet and lovable, but I think the only reason he takes her out and walks he is because he HAS to. You had some great ideas, Ann, but I know he wouldn't do anything with a shelter...or anything else he doesn't "have" to do. I so wish I could say, "Fantastic! I just KNOW he'd do that". He'd far more rather sit in his chair with his cat in his lap. (sigh) or hope the cat would go and sleep on his bed when he's there.

Despite my asking him if he is wanting to push the envelope to get to the stage of his hospital roomates if he doesn't put in the small amount of daily exercise, gain a positive attitude (important in this, as in so many other things) and be compliant with his diet...to which he always answers "No"....it's like what you said about your mother. I could talk about this until I'm "blue in the face" and it's just heartbreaking.

Thank you so much for your supportive reply and nifty, sound ideas. Of course he has NO idea I've begun to write on this network. I'm nowadays on the computer after he goes to bed.

It just makes no sense, especially since so recently he's seen really "up close and personal" the results of what would/will happen if HE doesn't take control of his own health and how very much his quality of life is in HIS own hands. I'm out of ideas and very tired. Preparing for this move has done me in on top of everything else.

I'm thinking I've just got to try to ramp down my anger and pray more. Even if the result of my praying is that I'm feeling more calm and able to gain more control of my own issues with hypertension and fibromyalgia.

Yeah, I figured it was a long shot with the volunteer idea, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

One thing I've had to learn with two friends who have gone through serious illnesses and subsequently died is that I don't control the universe and I can't make other people live life the way I think they should.

My first friend who was ill had kidney cancer. He had a kidney removed and then did the follow-up visits for about 2 years, then just quit paying any attention to his follow-ups. He had a recurrence seven years later and lived another three years which was very hard on all of us around him. He and his partner were like brothers to me and it nearly killed ME to go through it with them.

They went with the local oncologist because he was "nice" to them, instead of the world-renowned kidney cancer specialist an hour away (he was "mean"). They made in my opinion crappy decisions about his care at several points that may or may not have cost my friend his life. But I finally figured out (after gaining 20 pounds from stress eating) that it was their life to live. They were both of sound mind and body and they had been together for 27 years and they made their decisions in a way that was comfortable for them. Not MY way at all, but they did what felt right to them.

I wanted them both to go through some spiritual awakening and to reflect on their lives, particularly my friend who had the cancer. He never did. He retained his style (avoidance) right up to his death. He was who he was.

I wanted my dad, who died of lung cancer in December, to get more chatty and to reflect on is life with me. He never did. He died just as he'd lived - introverted and a man of few words.

I wanted my friend who had ovarian cancer to get a fighting spirit and get a second opinion. She did, in the final weeks of her life, when it was too late to do any good.

My point is that once you let go and let other people make their decisions in their own way (no matter how ridiculous that way seems to you), it frees YOU from the burden of trying to get them to see the light. Once you let go of trying to control the universe around you, it frees you up to take care of yourself. And once you back off from trying to get your husband to behave a certain way (which is in his best interest) he may or may not choose to make those changes on his own. But even if he doesn't, you are taking care of yourself and you're not letting him pull you down with him as he is sinking. I know it's hard and I'm still working on it in my own life.

Just keep coming here (and where ever else you can go) to get the support you need. Your husband can take care of himself.

Yeah, I figured it was a long shot with the volunteer idea, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

One thing I've had to learn with two friends who have gone through serious illnesses and subsequently died is that I don't control the universe and I can't make other people live life the way I think they should.

My first friend who was ill had kidney cancer. He had a kidney removed and then did the follow-up visits for about 2 years, then just quit paying any attention to his follow-ups. He had a recurrence seven years later and lived another three years which was very hard on all of us around him. He and his partner were like brothers to me and it nearly killed ME to go through it with them.

They went with the local oncologist because he was "nice" to them, instead of the world-renowned kidney cancer specialist an hour away (he was "mean"). They made in my opinion crappy decisions about his care at several points that may or may not have cost my friend his life. But I finally figured out (after gaining 20 pounds from stress eating) that it was their life to live. They were both of sound mind and body and they had been together for 27 years and they made their decisions in a way that was comfortable for them. Not MY way at all, but they did what felt right to them.

I wanted them both to go through some spiritual awakening and to reflect on their lives, particularly my friend who had the cancer. He never did. He retained his style (avoidance) right up to his death. He was who he was.

I wanted my dad, who died of lung cancer in December, to get more chatty and to reflect on is life with me. He never did. He died just as he'd lived - introverted and a man of few words.

I wanted my friend who had ovarian cancer to get a fighting spirit and get a second opinion. She did, in the final weeks of her life, when it was too late to do any good.

My point is that once you let go and let other people make their decisions in their own way (no matter how ridiculous that way seems to you), it frees YOU from the burden of trying to get them to see the light. Once you let go of trying to control the universe around you, it frees you up to take care of yourself. And once you back off from trying to get your husband to behave a certain way (which is in his best interest) he may or may not choose to make those changes on his own. But even if he doesn't, you are taking care of yourself and you're not letting him pull you down with him as he is sinking. I know it's hard and I'm still working on it in my own life.

Just keep coming here (and where ever else you can go) to get the support you need. Your husband can take care of himself.

I'm so sorry, Ann, you went through all those bouts with dear friends and also with your father who made poor choices with their cancers.

Although I was certainly sympathetic, for a second I reflected back and internally chuckled at the reason your friend refused to go to the renowned oncologist only an hour away because it made me think of a story about my father.

Years ago, long before his Parkinson's and other issues and subsequent death, my Dad was diagnosed with throat cancer. He was a smoker (2+ packs a day during stressful times) and a heavy drinker. After his diagnosis, radiation was considered the best and most hopeful treatment plan for him. My father was a very let's say "stubborn" man and we wondered how it was going to go at the radio-oncologist's office in another city in his pre-radiation consultation.

Turns out his radiologist doctor was this big man with a very thick, very stern German accent who told it like it was. (Might have qualified for the "mean" trophy by your late friend with the renal cancer.) Anyway, after reviewing my father's history in the interview, apparently he looked him straight in the eye and said sternly, "Eizer you quit ze smoking right now, and schtop vid ze drinking, or don't bozer to even come back for treatment. Zo. Vat's your decision?" [Note: I am not making fun of a German accent...just trying to spell out how this must have sounded and with what impact, being delivered by a very tall German doctor with an imposing presence].

My father's instant decision was to stop smoking as of that very moment. The alcohol went out the door along with it. He went through the radiation and became cancer-free, and after the 5 year period was pronounced "cured". He never had any reocccurances. The drinking, however, did come back into the picture once he was "cured" of cancer. However he never ever touched another cigarette.

I told this story to one of my husband's nurses who was kind of lamenting with me about how men are so often like this and she is already looking down the road at some severe health problems with her own husband who is living very dangerously. My response was I wish it was possible to get any male employee at all in the hospital where my husband was currently a patient, who could look somewhat imposing and had a German accent, to put on a lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck and deliver a similarly stern statement to my husband. "Eizer you schtop playing vid de salt and ztay on your exercise routine, or don't bozer to come here ven your breathing gets bad."

We both laughed in the kind of way which meant "wouldn't that be nice, if only......." because surely all the ethics etc. would forbid such a thing.

I totally get what you're saying, Ann, about not being in control of what others do or of the universe. As a counselor, I continually was in the trenches with people, working hard with them but always knowing ultimately the choices they needed to make for wellness were solely in their hands. Sometimes that was sad, sometimes frustrating, but I could pretty much "leave it at the office".

This is still pretty new, and IN my house with my husband. I can't get away from it. I realize the advice you gave still applies and noted the idea that there is the hopeful and interesting chance that if I were to stop pushing, prodding etc. and "being dragged down with him" as you observed, he just might make the choice on his own for life. Not proselitizing here, but I love the way somewhere in the Bible it says: "I put before you the choice of life or death. I urge you to choose life."

I also know that ice cream has too much been my friend through "stress eating/emotional eating" of late and I have gained a portion of a ton of weight I worked very hard to lose. Not good.

There is much wisdom in what you say. My "husband can take care of himself", for one. But I'm thinking I'll be blindingly furious if that changes due to his poor choices and I have to start literally taking care of him if/when things deteriorate due to his continuing in this way, put him in a hospital bed in our home, and/or wheel chair with oxygen etc. and all which goes with that. Already the level of diuretics he was taking before this hospitalization caused him to struggle with periodic urinary "leakage". I am SO not ready to start dealing with things like this when basically my husband is electing this route by his own choice.

A nursing facility of some kind would drain our finances to the point where I would become destitute personally myself if he were to be relocated to a place where others would care for him. We do not have long term health care insurance, nor a trust, and it's too late in the game to acquire either, even if we could afford the insurance. We have health insurance and he has Medicare (I'm younger and have a few years to go before that option, if it's still an option by then). But beyond what Medicare basically would pay, it'd be my responsibility. HE'd be my responsibility.

So you can see why my anger would be pretty intense. His deliberate poor choices, should he continue on this road, will end up stealing my life/independence as I'd be chained to being his constant caregiver in this way. The anger would be because it all would be so needless, could have been avoided or at least put off for a very long time, according to his doctors.

It's another thing entirely, however, if something out of someone's control such as an illness over which you have NO control, despite doing all you can, or an accident which robs you of your health and you end up in this predicament. I would certainly feel differently about that. I love my husband.

As he is of sound mind, I haven't been able to rationalize that his poor decision making is a sort of "illness" in itself which will lead to the scenario I described above. Nope, it's a combination of selfishness and willful...something. Especially as he has also become so withdrawn from me and I already feel so needlessly alone despite being in a marriage with someone who formerly had been so affectionate for more than 20 years.

I've got to at least step away from the ice cream for my own health's sake and lose the weight I've gained through this time during which my husband's health situation began rather suddenly last fall.

Thanks for your supportive words. Part of the issue is that he HAS been a significant part of my universe and in it we do live in the same house. We had woven together our own galaxy which was happy, fun, interesting and comforting as well as comfortable for us both.

Perhaps after we move...a new start in our own home which I've completely re-done to be a lovely comfortable and pleasant place to be? I don't know....I'm just hoping and need to start praying more...if only for myself, for grace, strength and serenity. Something. Praying for him hasn't produced any results except gotten me a bit resentful about praying. Not good. (sigh).

I'm so sorry, Ann, you went through all those bouts with dear friends and also with your father who made poor choices with their cancers.

Although I was certainly sympathetic, for a second I reflected back and internally chuckled at the reason your friend refused to go to the renowned oncologist only an hour away because it made me think of a story about my father.

Years ago, long before his Parkinson's and other issues and subsequent death, my Dad was diagnosed with throat cancer. He was a smoker (2+ packs a day during stressful times) and a heavy drinker. After his diagnosis, radiation was considered the best and most hopeful treatment plan for him. My father was a very let's say "stubborn" man and we wondered how it was going to go at the radio-oncologist's office in another city in his pre-radiation consultation.

Turns out his radiologist doctor was this big man with a very thick, very stern German accent who told it like it was. (Might have qualified for the "mean" trophy by your late friend with the renal cancer.) Anyway, after reviewing my father's history in the interview, apparently he looked him straight in the eye and said sternly, "Eizer you quit ze smoking right now, and schtop vid ze drinking, or don't bozer to even come back for treatment. Zo. Vat's your decision?" [Note: I am not making fun of a German accent...just trying to spell out how this must have sounded and with what impact, being delivered by a very tall German doctor with an imposing presence].

My father's instant decision was to stop smoking as of that very moment. The alcohol went out the door along with it. He went through the radiation and became cancer-free, and after the 5 year period was pronounced "cured". He never had any reocccurances. The drinking, however, did come back into the picture once he was "cured" of cancer. However he never ever touched another cigarette.

I told this story to one of my husband's nurses who was kind of lamenting with me about how men are so often like this and she is already looking down the road at some severe health problems with her own husband who is living very dangerously. My response was I wish it was possible to get any male employee at all in the hospital where my husband was currently a patient, who could look somewhat imposing and had a German accent, to put on a lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck and deliver a similarly stern statement to my husband. "Eizer you schtop playing vid de salt and ztay on your exercise routine, or don't bozer to come here ven your breathing gets bad."

We both laughed in the kind of way which meant "wouldn't that be nice, if only......." because surely all the ethics etc. would forbid such a thing.

I totally get what you're saying, Ann, about not being in control of what others do or of the universe. As a counselor, I continually was in the trenches with people, working hard with them but always knowing ultimately the choices they needed to make for wellness were solely in their hands. Sometimes that was sad, sometimes frustrating, but I could pretty much "leave it at the office".

This is still pretty new, and IN my house with my husband. I can't get away from it. I realize the advice you gave still applies and noted the idea that there is the hopeful and interesting chance that if I were to stop pushing, prodding etc. and "being dragged down with him" as you observed, he just might make the choice on his own for life. Not proselitizing here, but I love the way somewhere in the Bible it says: "I put before you the choice of life or death. I urge you to choose life."

I also know that ice cream has too much been my friend through "stress eating/emotional eating" of late and I have gained a portion of a ton of weight I worked very hard to lose. Not good.

There is much wisdom in what you say. My "husband can take care of himself", for one. But I'm thinking I'll be blindingly furious if that changes due to his poor choices and I have to start literally taking care of him if/when things deteriorate due to his continuing in this way, put him in a hospital bed in our home, and/or wheel chair with oxygen etc. and all which goes with that. Already the level of diuretics he was taking before this hospitalization caused him to struggle with periodic urinary "leakage". I am SO not ready to start dealing with things like this when basically my husband is electing this route by his own choice.

A nursing facility of some kind would drain our finances to the point where I would become destitute personally myself if he were to be relocated to a place where others would care for him. We do not have long term health care insurance, nor a trust, and it's too late in the game to acquire either, even if we could afford the insurance. We have health insurance and he has Medicare (I'm younger and have a few years to go before that option, if it's still an option by then). But beyond what Medicare basically would pay, it'd be my responsibility. HE'd be my responsibility.

So you can see why my anger would be pretty intense. His deliberate poor choices, should he continue on this road, will end up stealing my life/independence as I'd be chained to being his constant caregiver in this way. The anger would be because it all would be so needless, could have been avoided or at least put off for a very long time, according to his doctors.

It's another thing entirely, however, if something out of someone's control such as an illness over which you have NO control, despite doing all you can, or an accident which robs you of your health and you end up in this predicament. I would certainly feel differently about that. I love my husband.

As he is of sound mind, I haven't been able to rationalize that his poor decision making is a sort of "illness" in itself which will lead to the scenario I described above. Nope, it's a combination of selfishness and willful...something. Especially as he has also become so withdrawn from me and I already feel so needlessly alone despite being in a marriage with someone who formerly had been so affectionate for more than 20 years.

I've got to at least step away from the ice cream for my own health's sake and lose the weight I've gained through this time during which my husband's health situation began rather suddenly last fall.

Thanks for your supportive words. Part of the issue is that he HAS been a significant part of my universe and in it we do live in the same house. We had woven together our own galaxy which was happy, fun, interesting and comforting as well as comfortable for us both.

Perhaps after we move...a new start in our own home which I've completely re-done to be a lovely comfortable and pleasant place to be? I don't know....I'm just hoping and need to start praying more...if only for myself, for grace, strength and serenity. Something. Praying for him hasn't produced any results except gotten me a bit resentful about praying. Not good. (sigh).

I'm not a religious person (wish I was) but maybe you should turn your prayers to asking for some help for yourself in this whole situation. It sounds like your husband has turned away all offers of help and assistance and you're the one suffering for it - not him.

I used to be VERY angry at my brother for not helping more with the care of our parents. It finally dawned on me that my anger was destroying me and my brother wasn't even aware of it (in typical male fashion, LOL). So I did a LOT of work to get over that, for my own sake. I still have occasional flares, but I'm SOOO much happier and at peace with my situation now. But it took a lot of work to get there.

One thing to consider, is he on any meds that could cause a mood change like he has? I'd be Googling whatever meds he's on to check for obscure side effects that might impact his behavior. Maybe he's having some unusual reaction to medication. And you don't think he could have something like an undiscovered brain tumor? That can cause drastic changes in behavior.

Of course the unspoken avenue that you could consider at some point (and will probably reject based on your comments so far) is to leave him until he changes his behaviors - if he changes his behaviors. If his voluntary choices (that are not based on any uncontrollable medical situation) are going to result in your own financial downfall and misery for the rest of your life, it may be worth at least considering. And discussing with him - if you're serious about it. He may need that strong kick in the pants to understand you're not going to just go along with his path to self destruction. Like the tough love I see on Intervention. Set your limits and stick to them. Of course easier said than done...

I'm not a religious person (wish I was) but maybe you should turn your prayers to asking for some help for yourself in this whole situation. It sounds like your husband has turned away all offers of help and assistance and you're the one suffering for it - not him.

I used to be VERY angry at my brother for not helping more with the care of our parents. It finally dawned on me that my anger was destroying me and my brother wasn't even aware of it (in typical male fashion, LOL). So I did a LOT of work to get over that, for my own sake. I still have occasional flares, but I'm SOOO much happier and at peace with my situation now. But it took a lot of work to get there.

One thing to consider, is he on any meds that could cause a mood change like he has? I'd be Googling whatever meds he's on to check for obscure side effects that might impact his behavior. Maybe he's having some unusual reaction to medication. And you don't think he could have something like an undiscovered brain tumor? That can cause drastic changes in behavior.

Of course the unspoken avenue that you could consider at some point (and will probably reject based on your comments so far) is to leave him until he changes his behaviors - if he changes his behaviors. If his voluntary choices (that are not based on any uncontrollable medical situation) are going to result in your own financial downfall and misery for the rest of your life, it may be worth at least considering. And discussing with him - if you're serious about it. He may need that strong kick in the pants to understand you're not going to just go along with his path to self destruction. Like the tough love I see on Intervention. Set your limits and stick to them. Of course easier said than done...

I do understand seeing, sensing and experiencing the observed changes in your husband and in your relationship. My husband has end stage CHF and various other underlying issues. I'm primary caregiver, and the best thing that has given us a connection with peace, is our relationship to God. He makes all the difference in the world, simply because you find that your resolve is placed appropriately governed by a calling much higher than ourselves, even though, in your humanity, you give in to sorrow, frustration and anger at times. I find that when I'm not at my best in the situation, I find some type of outlet for either my husband or myself. It's a great deal of work, but not always at the same intensity on a daily basis. The outlets are driving my husband to a friend or relaive's home for a visit while I go do errands or just take time to relax. Or I call a friend or relative to come over. One of our adult children will come over and spend time with him so that I can do some things. Together, my husband and I will go to a movie when he's up to it or to a restaurant for a meal. We'll sit and watch favorite tv shows together. He seems to respond well to an established routine that we set up, being mindful of times when I need to just sit, read and relax to myself.

I believe that our husbands feel powerless to change their situation and are struggling with the decline in their health, themselves. That may be why they get gruff at times, because they have no control over very much. Unfortunately, we might become the object of their control. Resist through positive outlets for yourself and for him as much as possible, since I believe that our husbands will try to control outcomes by any means necessary. Their mental, emotional and spiritual outlooks are being challenged in a major way, if you put yourself in their place. I must remind myself of that always. Struggling against the reality can be damaging to you and to your husband. I've "blown" my top a couple of times, but it hasn't served any purpose. It just fans the flame. How much better it is to "vent" to a trusted and understanding friend whose aim is to give positive, loving support, rather than to add significance to negative responses.

I do understand seeing, sensing and experiencing the observed changes in your husband and in your relationship. My husband has end stage CHF and various other underlying issues. I'm primary caregiver, and the best thing that has given us a connection with peace, is our relationship to God. He makes all the difference in the world, simply because you find that your resolve is placed appropriately governed by a calling much higher than ourselves, even though, in your humanity, you give in to sorrow, frustration and anger at times. I find that when I'm not at my best in the situation, I find some type of outlet for either my husband or myself. It's a great deal of work, but not always at the same intensity on a daily basis. The outlets are driving my husband to a friend or relaive's home for a visit while I go do errands or just take time to relax. Or I call a friend or relative to come over. One of our adult children will come over and spend time with him so that I can do some things. Together, my husband and I will go to a movie when he's up to it or to a restaurant for a meal. We'll sit and watch favorite tv shows together. He seems to respond well to an established routine that we set up, being mindful of times when I need to just sit, read and relax to myself.

I believe that our husbands feel powerless to change their situation and are struggling with the decline in their health, themselves. That may be why they get gruff at times, because they have no control over very much. Unfortunately, we might become the object of their control. Resist through positive outlets for yourself and for him as much as possible, since I believe that our husbands will try to control outcomes by any means necessary. Their mental, emotional and spiritual outlooks are being challenged in a major way, if you put yourself in their place. I must remind myself of that always. Struggling against the reality can be damaging to you and to your husband. I've "blown" my top a couple of times, but it hasn't served any purpose. It just fans the flame. How much better it is to "vent" to a trusted and understanding friend whose aim is to give positive, loving support, rather than to add significance to negative responses.

For Anne......I wanted to add that, prioritize as to what's important and give up worrying about the stuff that doesn't really matter on a daily basis. DareGet additional help from friends and family since you're helping two people----that's a lot! Take the initiative in cuddling, hugging, kissing, talking, sitting together. Anxiety, fear and confusion are probably always present in your husband, so you'll have to do more "taking over" in the emotional department. I think you'll begin to see that his response will change for the better. Yours certainly will---- and that'll be a good thing.

My best to you both.

For Anne......I wanted to add that, prioritize as to what's important and give up worrying about the stuff that doesn't really matter on a daily basis. DareGet additional help from friends and family since you're helping two people----that's a lot! Take the initiative in cuddling, hugging, kissing, talking, sitting together. Anxiety, fear and confusion are probably always present in your husband, so you'll have to do more "taking over" in the emotional department. I think you'll begin to see that his response will change for the better. Yours certainly will---- and that'll be a good thing.

My best to you both.

You may not know that the situation you describe will strike home with MANY wives - even though their husbands may or may not be facing a major illness. I don't know you age, but as we women weather our well-known "pre - post menopausal" stresses, there is very little written about changes men go through. Some call it "andropaus" - it can also relate to hormonal changes (testosterone in males, and maybe others)- and it can start gradually in the 40's. Perhaps a medical person would know if the hormonal changes could also be triggered by illnness, medication and treatments. You descriptions of emotional withdrawal, even though your husband can enjoy the pets & reading, sound familiar. Some men, while not facing what he is facing, become depressed and may feel that they haven't accomplished what they wanted to in life. Males generally are less comfortable discussing feelings and may feel "cornered" when someone else needs to talk intimately. Your husband might respond to just the right male therapist - possibly someone who specializes in those facing aging or serious illness. You have been doing many of the right things - and even writing this letter was probably very helpful in letting you open up. You will do well to keep nurturing the strong woman that you are, show love, do things you enjoy, always "leave the door open" for your husband to join you in taking in and embracing each day, each minute.
Even though you mentioned that you both take anti-depressants - it is very tricky to find exactly what works best for each person. The right medication - plus the right therapy support - could really help. I hope you keep writing and looking in every corner for the strength and energy that will see you through.

You may not know that the situation you describe will strike home with MANY wives - even though their husbands may or may not be facing a major illness. I don't know you age, but as we women weather our well-known "pre - post menopausal" stresses, there is very little written about changes men go through. Some call it "andropaus" - it can also relate to hormonal changes (testosterone in males, and maybe others)- and it can start gradually in the 40's. Perhaps a medical person would know if the hormonal changes could also be triggered by illnness, medication and treatments. You descriptions of emotional withdrawal, even though your husband can enjoy the pets & reading, sound familiar. Some men, while not facing what he is facing, become depressed and may feel that they haven't accomplished what they wanted to in life. Males generally are less comfortable discussing feelings and may feel "cornered" when someone else needs to talk intimately. Your husband might respond to just the right male therapist - possibly someone who specializes in those facing aging or serious illness. You have been doing many of the right things - and even writing this letter was probably very helpful in letting you open up. You will do well to keep nurturing the strong woman that you are, show love, do things you enjoy, always "leave the door open" for your husband to join you in taking in and embracing each day, each minute.
Even though you mentioned that you both take anti-depressants - it is very tricky to find exactly what works best for each person. The right medication - plus the right therapy support - could really help. I hope you keep writing and looking in every corner for the strength and energy that will see you through.

when I read your post it could have been written by me. So for the first time in my life I am replying to a website. Despite all my attempts and the doctors and my husband's friends he became more and more isolated. Reading for hours, not talking just as you describe. Eventually I was on anti-depressants myself and it was this that made me review the way that I looked at life because I could not change his. A year later not only am I happier but so is my husband. He cannot cope with stress of any kind and my need to have his company, conversation was regarded as an unwelcome stress. Now that I have reorganised my life and have even worked part-time for 5 months he is more relaxed and happier. He is willing to do more things together, but my expectations have changed and I work within the parameters that he sets. For instance when we go for a walk, he walks part way and stops for coffee and I continue and meet up later. Same with shopping. If we go to the beach we go for a few hours. If I want to go all day I go alone or with a friend. What I have had to realise is that my life has changed as much as his. Perhaps noticing my new positive attitude made him feel better too. Prayer on bended knee is without doubt a lifesaver. I believe that I am a special person and that if this is now my life perhaps there is a reason. Also there is so much good in life so I thank God for the good bits then ask whether he could tinker a bit with the other stuff. So far my life is better so I will pray that yours will be too. Enjoy your friends, you own healthy days, your good looks. Primarily I thank God that I can breathe deeply healthily and well.

when I read your post it could have been written by me. So for the first time in my life I am replying to a website. Despite all my attempts and the doctors and my husband's friends he became more and more isolated. Reading for hours, not talking just as you describe. Eventually I was on anti-depressants myself and it was this that made me review the way that I looked at life because I could not change his. A year later not only am I happier but so is my husband. He cannot cope with stress of any kind and my need to have his company, conversation was regarded as an unwelcome stress. Now that I have reorganised my life and have even worked part-time for 5 months he is more relaxed and happier. He is willing to do more things together, but my expectations have changed and I work within the parameters that he sets. For instance when we go for a walk, he walks part way and stops for coffee and I continue and meet up later. Same with shopping. If we go to the beach we go for a few hours. If I want to go all day I go alone or with a friend. What I have had to realise is that my life has changed as much as his. Perhaps noticing my new positive attitude made him feel better too. Prayer on bended knee is without doubt a lifesaver. I believe that I am a special person and that if this is now my life perhaps there is a reason. Also there is so much good in life so I thank God for the good bits then ask whether he could tinker a bit with the other stuff. So far my life is better so I will pray that yours will be too. Enjoy your friends, you own healthy days, your good looks. Primarily I thank God that I can breathe deeply healthily and well.

WHAT THE HECK IS CHF? In the future, please identify the condition for us less-informed readers. Thanks,

WHAT THE HECK IS CHF? In the future, please identify the condition for us less-informed readers. Thanks,

Congestive Heart Failure.

Congestive Heart Failure.

I am a 48 year old woman, my husband is 60years old and 2 years ago we was told he had alzheimer.He's done really good till I got depressed, fibromyagia,ulcers,and other things till i just couldn't funtion.Since I got down it's like he's giving up.He wouldn't eat,go anywhere or throw a fit if anyone drops by.Maybe without the things he had to give up due too his illness he feels the means for his life has ended.Maybe he blames you for not trying harder to stay in the same bed with him and to try harder to find a way to revie your sex life.I'm not pointing figures at you,I'm just asking if maybe he is.I know it's hard and so far the only thing I've managed to do is get him back to eating by bring out a nurse to have him accessed for nursing home.I wasn't about to let him starve himself to death.I got as bad depressed as one person could and I refuse to sit here and waste anymore of my life sitting here doing nothing and like your husband mine goes for hours without talking to me.The part time job sounds like a winner if you can manage it without causing yourself anymore stress.I now leave the house daily for any reason I can find,I always offer to take him with me but so far no luck.I've asked him to go somewhere just us to go look at the river or anything he'd enjoy to just spend time doing something other than just sitting here.Best of luck to both of you and maybe you might want a nureologist to make sure something else isn't going on.Oh my husband hasn't said yes or no to my invitation.

I am a 48 year old woman, my husband is 60years old and 2 years ago we was told he had alzheimer.He's done really good till I got depressed, fibromyagia,ulcers,and other things till i just couldn't funtion.Since I got down it's like he's giving up.He wouldn't eat,go anywhere or throw a fit if anyone drops by.Maybe without the things he had to give up due too his illness he feels the means for his life has ended.Maybe he blames you for not trying harder to stay in the same bed with him and to try harder to find a way to revie your sex life.I'm not pointing figures at you,I'm just asking if maybe he is.I know it's hard and so far the only thing I've managed to do is get him back to eating by bring out a nurse to have him accessed for nursing home.I wasn't about to let him starve himself to death.I got as bad depressed as one person could and I refuse to sit here and waste anymore of my life sitting here doing nothing and like your husband mine goes for hours without talking to me.The part time job sounds like a winner if you can manage it without causing yourself anymore stress.I now leave the house daily for any reason I can find,I always offer to take him with me but so far no luck.I've asked him to go somewhere just us to go look at the river or anything he'd enjoy to just spend time doing something other than just sitting here.Best of luck to both of you and maybe you might want a nureologist to make sure something else isn't going on.Oh my husband hasn't said yes or no to my invitation.

Hello. I read the initial post and relived a portion of my life that was initially anguishing. You've said a few things that struck me. Please go back through your post and note everything (behavior, habit, anything out of what you know is extraordinary or irrational) that has changed, as it was with my father. My mom could have written your post beginning about 1993. It wasn't until 2003 that we realized my dad was suffering from vascular dementia and mini-strokes (TIA's or brain attacks). We went from doctor to doctor, reporting symptoms, changes, unexplained irrationalities. Initially, I felt sorry for dad that mom was being so hard on him. It was like--get a life, mom, and lay off and let him be! I was SO wrong not to trust her and listen to the laundry list of symptoms. She knew. No one was listening. Find a list of dementia symptoms--the early signs and research it with vigor. Please, if only to eliminate it as a cause. And if you find it to be true, stop, relax, and realize none of the behavior is personal--it's just demented, and their not in control. It's a management case after that, and love, laughter and forgiveness ease the burden of caring. Good luck on your journey. You are in a good place here, and there's a lot of help. You are being a great caregiver.

Hello. I read the initial post and relived a portion of my life that was initially anguishing. You've said a few things that struck me. Please go back through your post and note everything (behavior, habit, anything out of what you know is extraordinary or irrational) that has changed, as it was with my father. My mom could have written your post beginning about 1993. It wasn't until 2003 that we realized my dad was suffering from vascular dementia and mini-strokes (TIA's or brain attacks). We went from doctor to doctor, reporting symptoms, changes, unexplained irrationalities. Initially, I felt sorry for dad that mom was being so hard on him. It was like--get a life, mom, and lay off and let him be! I was SO wrong not to trust her and listen to the laundry list of symptoms. She knew. No one was listening. Find a list of dementia symptoms--the early signs and research it with vigor. Please, if only to eliminate it as a cause. And if you find it to be true, stop, relax, and realize none of the behavior is personal--it's just demented, and their not in control. It's a management case after that, and love, laughter and forgiveness ease the burden of caring. Good luck on your journey. You are in a good place here, and there's a lot of help. You are being a great caregiver.

CHF is congestive heart failure. If you ever come across any acronym you don't know, put it in the search bar, click on search and it will come up. I just put CHF in the google search bar and clicked in and a hundred words saying "Congestive Heart Failure" came up. that easy!!

CHF is congestive heart failure. If you ever come across any acronym you don't know, put it in the search bar, click on search and it will come up. I just put CHF in the google search bar and clicked in and a hundred words saying "Congestive Heart Failure" came up. that easy!!

My Mom had CHF w/atrial fib and passed away in 2007. I was her primary caregiver and watched her fade from a vibrant active, do everything, type of person into a depressed, withdrawn, no interest in pretty much anything, person. It seemed that she just faded away from us and when we had no choice but to give her morphine for her pain, it eventually took her life due to what morphine does to a body riddled with CHF. But at least she died peacefully and was not in any pain cause I was right by her side with my Brother.

After she died I did find out that depression plays a major role in CHF (along with alot of other diseases I'm sure) because the person loses the ability to "want" to do things because of being so "overtired" feeling all the time. It may be that he "wants" to do better but his depression is preventing him from actually "acting" upon what he wants for himself and that is where you can help him. The best that I can suggest to you is to get help through your physician and try everything you can to treat this depression. If, as you said, he is far from being bedridden and can do most everything for himself then my best guess would be he is clinically depressed and needs help with it to be able to live a quality life. Depression can be treated, it just takes patience and time. I'm saying these things to you not as a medical professional but just from past experiences with myself and my own family members. I will pray for you and your husband that you find the answers which you so desperately seek. Pray for his quality of life to return every day. Thank God for what He has done for you and your husband in your life and Thank Him for what He is GOING TO DO in your life. Caregiving can be absolutely exhausting and there is help available to you so please reach out for it and don't let yourself become depressed and run down as well. It may be that you can't help him with his issues right now but you can find someone who can help him and sometimes that is all we can do....

Best wishes, and please remember to take care of yourself during this process.

My Mom had CHF w/atrial fib and passed away in 2007. I was her primary caregiver and watched her fade from a vibrant active, do everything, type of person into a depressed, withdrawn, no interest in pretty much anything, person. It seemed that she just faded away from us and when we had no choice but to give her morphine for her pain, it eventually took her life due to what morphine does to a body riddled with CHF. But at least she died peacefully and was not in any pain cause I was right by her side with my Brother.

After she died I did find out that depression plays a major role in CHF (along with alot of other diseases I'm sure) because the person loses the ability to "want" to do things because of being so "overtired" feeling all the time. It may be that he "wants" to do better but his depression is preventing him from actually "acting" upon what he wants for himself and that is where you can help him. The best that I can suggest to you is to get help through your physician and try everything you can to treat this depression. If, as you said, he is far from being bedridden and can do most everything for himself then my best guess would be he is clinically depressed and needs help with it to be able to live a quality life. Depression can be treated, it just takes patience and time. I'm saying these things to you not as a medical professional but just from past experiences with myself and my own family members. I will pray for you and your husband that you find the answers which you so desperately seek. Pray for his quality of life to return every day. Thank God for what He has done for you and your husband in your life and Thank Him for what He is GOING TO DO in your life. Caregiving can be absolutely exhausting and there is help available to you so please reach out for it and don't let yourself become depressed and run down as well. It may be that you can't help him with his issues right now but you can find someone who can help him and sometimes that is all we can do....

Best wishes, and please remember to take care of yourself during this process.

It's been a long time since I've been back to this wonderful forum. I admire the wise counsel, supportive suggestions and heartfelt sharing. I especially admire the victories so many of you have had in being able to let go and let whomever your significant person with these issues has and build on your own interests, vent to a trusted friend, take positive initiative and use laughter and lightness to try to improve mood and the situation.

How did I get here again? Well it wasn't because of leaving "on purpose". Life issues and traumas in other areas ramped up and I forgot about this compassionate and authentic resource. I was swept up in another set of crises, yes some of them included my husband, and much more I cannot get into because of potential legal ramifications. Thankfully the legal issues are resolved, but as to my husband's health and personality situation and our life together, it has all gotten worse.

Earlier I typed in a search bar "Help! My husband has type D personality and CHF and I can't deal!" and guess what. This support forum was the first link which popped up in response. The first post I read sounded incredibly familiar until the 4th sentence or so and I realized it was my own writing. Here it is 10 months later and things have actually worsened in many ways.

I took the advice of a wise post here and did research the dementia possibilities.....but the thing is....I did not see any info about people being able to turn this on and off depending on whom they were with. So, I ruled it out as while some things resonated, it just didn't fit.

With other people, my husband is the picture of compassion, warmth and interest/concern with their issues. I hear it in his voice when someone calls on the phone to talk with him. But to me???? Not so. At all. Although it hurt to hear, I was very relieved I had not totally lost my mind when he told me that I am his "safe person....the person to whom he can take out all his anger, frustrations, disappointments with life etc.". I will say I stepped up my angry responses when he did this because I grew up in a household with an angry, verbally abusive alcoholic father and my mother had been his doormat. I refuse to follow in a similar pattern.

But it doesn't help. I know that I'm not allowing myself to be treated verbally abusively, but that is a hollow "victory" when I am left feeling terrible and not the peaceful, optimistic, non-confrontational person I am. I have to spend time reminding me that other people LIKE me, that they seek me out to have FUN with.

His health has declined but I have learned something today....about Type D Personality: angry, depressed, pessimistic and more. Fit my husband to a "T". Also, not surprisingly to many here, people (especially and usually men) who are Type D Personalities have HUGE risks of cardiac issues. Before posting this, I read several studies where the rate of death was tremendously increased in men with this personality type. Wow.

I read the post from the concerned person who mentioned the concept of my leaving him....taking care of myself, and that perhaps (to use other words) he'd be scared straight that he really had thrown me away and if he didn't get it together, I wasn't coming back.

Well, suddenly my mother became terminally ill and especially as I am the last person left in my family (no siblings, father passed away 10 years ago), I DID leave but to come and stay with her, to spend every day of her last month both in the hospital and then in Hospice care with her and then at her house daily to pop in and take her dog out, feed dog/cat, occasionally crash and get a few hours of sleep when I knew she was asleep. That was February. March has come and gone and I am still living in what is now my house (my parents were wise about trust type things so there wasn't anything about probate etc. as my name has been on everything for years).

He is in our home (as I had worked hard to re-do) it over and upgrade it and make it a NEW and lovely place for us to move back to in the stupid hope that somehow it would make a difference and he would be happy and remember that we had been happy living there before. But, he is so STUCK with the few toxic, mean spirited people who did us wrong. Once I read about this Type D personality tonight I understand, because it fits that this would be what his focus is. He was emotionally non-supportive throughout the grueling time of my mother's aggressive cancer....and she had only been kind and generous to him, and he had been fond of her.

Sometimes I think I am just so associated with the last place we lived and worked and those particular few but horrendous people, that there is little hope for any change. Heck, it's only gotten worse. Especially since I negotiated a "way out" for us so our needs would be met and no one would "lose face"....a win-win solution. It ended up backfiring with the toxic people because after they got over the happy feeling that they did get what they wanted, control again completely and us no longer there (I'm sorry I'm being vague but I really must) they realized there had been no bloodshed (ours) in the process and decided to renig on the agreement they signed, hired an attorney and tried to get out of it. I know I sound terribly co-dependent here, and perhaps some of this is exactly that, but I have the experience and talent in the family for writing legal briefs and navigating through these kinds of things, and so that's what I did.

I am a fighter, and have always been so when it comes to what is right and when someone tries to hurt someone I love. We won. But still, I lost. Yet, that's not really the point. I'd do it again, especially as it had to do with my future as well...and I didn't do it to get my husband's approval.

I did, however, hope that once it was over he might notice it was in fact over, we were in a beautiful home, he no longer had to deal with those people and be happy again.

He's happy with others, he's delighted to do what he's doing in his current job and being needed and seeing results where he is. And yes I do show him my own vulnerability and need for him, too. But he says the most outrageous things in angry to me, for no reason (I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not horrible either and go out of my way to NOT provoke him). Then he just angrily says "FORGET IT" and I'm supposed to just think he never said all those hurtful things to me.

And what's my current plan? I'm pulling together all the priceless and wonderful things I've grown up with all my life which are in the house my parents moved to almost 40 years ago (grew up in different house...same stuff) to auction it all off. Then pay for the necessary updates which haven't been done (deferred maintenence I think is the term) and then pay to move all of our furniture, art and things and live here. Then get our home ready to put on the market. It's already been so improved and the type of property in a major commuter area that I feel it will sell more quickly than this property would. This home is lovely also, and it is all on one level, so if he lives long enough that he'll need "wheels" (I shudder at the thought of all that....he is just so dramatic about anything bad about his health) this house has no stairs and could accomodate that.

I've suggested that I just deed the other house (our home) over to him, he can live there with the furniture that he's bought and his own personal things and I'd take the things of my own and move here and he'd be free to be miserable all by himself...and if he thinks I'm going to do the same kind of fighting to advocate for the best care for him as I have all along and stay with him as I did with my mother, well, he'd better think about hiring somebody for that job.

Surprise surprise. He doesn't like that idea. I talked about divorce (as previously before we moved back home he'd rather casually told me he'd been thinking of leaving me.....I think that's when the "gloves came off" as far as me having any idea of what was going to happen next and had nothing to lose by speaking up when he was outrageous to me)and he REALLY REALLY hated that idea, actually sounded hurt and a bit panicky. I said that truly I cannot live like this and if there's anything I've learned through the last few months, and grieving the loss of my mother and all the things that I'm going to be losing soon, too, is that life is SHORT, and we never have any idea how much time we have. I'm over 60 though most people guess that I'm more than a decade plus younger than that. HOWEVER I know the sand is running out of the glass and if it means living separately then, so be it. I cannot live in constant conflict no matter what his health situations are. I still have some significant ones of my own.

So, I have no idea what interests I'm going to pursue, as I've been blessed with several talents and a couple of good friends and am cultivating relationships with good neighbors.

I'm reading, and though it sounds lame, the first thing I've done (actually shortly after moving back to our home in July} was to get my nails done....and continue with that. After all the work on the house, the packing and preparing and cleaning left them a mess. Now, the better thing I'm doing is going weekly for therapeutic massage. I researched and found a great massage therapist for my fibromyalgia HUGE flare ups and serious pain issues after my mother's death (I think I kept my whole body clenched the entire month of her dying). Tomorrow is my second visit. And finally, after months of putting it off, I've also gotten my hair done and have found a hairdresser I like.

So, gradually I'm building a quasi support network of new people in my life, even if they're people I pay. They are genuine, good at what they do, I enjoy them, and this massage therapist is a jewel in every way.

Him? I don't know. It's terrible terrible. Last week his cardiac coordinator person told him they could do nothing more to improve his heart function without lowering his blood pressure even more (so many heart strengthening meds are also used for hypertension) and told him he NEEDS A HEART TRANSPLANT. They set up an appointment for both he and I with a different cardiolgist at the end of the month. Even HE told these people he's too old for the transplant list and was told "oh NO you're not!!!!" After research, I can only conclude this is utilizing the alternative donor program (using older hearts to transplant into older people etc......so many otherwise OK organs are discarded every year).

I tried to gently, over a period of time so he could digest the info, tell him about the various anti-rejection meds he'd have to take for the rest of his life and their various side effects. And tried to discuss with him the quality of his life he has now (he drives himself wherever he wants to go, inluding an hour each way to work) and being out and about etc.....vs. the potential quality of life post transplant with all these meds and his advanced age. He, thankfully, is on the fence about this.

I do not think I am ready to get on this particular long term wagon with him....if things are bad now...oh Lord help.

My mother, in her graciousness, sacrifice and observation did some amazing things for me before she became ill. She called her investment guy with some very specific instructions about her estate and me. She told him that all my life I've given to others, sacrificed my interests and time for those who needed the skills I have to give, and that it's now my turn to "find my passion" (she wasn't talking about a person) and to finally live my own life. And that I retire, first of all.

I've known her investment guy for many years as I used to go with my mother to her appointments with him, then drive her, then when she couldn't go to his office he'd come here and I'd come to these meetings. He had a stack of papers already filled out....complete with my employment status as "retired"...although I'm only working part time. I drank a lot of water at that meeting because I was so overwhelmed. I discovered that I could walk away from this guy, my husband of 20+ years, give him our house as a settlement, re-do some areas of my parents' home in such a peaceful place....it is quiet and lovely here...and I'd be able to live rather financially well without his pensions.

It's just so very very sad. I had such hopes that finally we'd actually get to be happy....some sort of happy. It just isn't looking that way. I just can't stand the idea of going through all I'm going to have to go through to move "us" here and then spend the rest of my life watching him sullenly and silently sleep in his chair with his mouth open, when he's not saying something mean to me. Or heaven help us, if he actually is able or decides to go with this transplant thing and survives and all the complexities of that. Just thinking of it makes me feel trapped and suffocated.

I think I have my answer. I just don't know how to implement it. I'm too overwhelmed. Too much. My mother was also my best friend and she's the person I'd be talking about this with. Yesterday after some craziness from him I actually spoke out loud and asked her what should I do? And, friends, for the first time since her death I heard her voice in my mind. It said, "He's not worth it". I questioned it, and over and over I hear the same thing. I don't know if that's because it's what I WANT to hear but....it's not really my imagination. Actually, when I think of it, why else would she have set up her finances the way she did with meetings I did not know about with her finance guy the month before she even knew she had cancer?

I need time. Quiet. Prayer. More massage therapy.

It's been a long time since I've been back to this wonderful forum. I admire the wise counsel, supportive suggestions and heartfelt sharing. I especially admire the victories so many of you have had in being able to let go and let whomever your significant person with these issues has and build on your own interests, vent to a trusted friend, take positive initiative and use laughter and lightness to try to improve mood and the situation.

How did I get here again? Well it wasn't because of leaving "on purpose". Life issues and traumas in other areas ramped up and I forgot about this compassionate and authentic resource. I was swept up in another set of crises, yes some of them included my husband, and much more I cannot get into because of potential legal ramifications. Thankfully the legal issues are resolved, but as to my husband's health and personality situation and our life together, it has all gotten worse.

Earlier I typed in a search bar "Help! My husband has type D personality and CHF and I can't deal!" and guess what. This support forum was the first link which popped up in response. The first post I read sounded incredibly familiar until the 4th sentence or so and I realized it was my own writing. Here it is 10 months later and things have actually worsened in many ways.

I took the advice of a wise post here and did research the dementia possibilities.....but the thing is....I did not see any info about people being able to turn this on and off depending on whom they were with. So, I ruled it out as while some things resonated, it just didn't fit.

With other people, my husband is the picture of compassion, warmth and interest/concern with their issues. I hear it in his voice when someone calls on the phone to talk with him. But to me???? Not so. At all. Although it hurt to hear, I was very relieved I had not totally lost my mind when he told me that I am his "safe person....the person to whom he can take out all his anger, frustrations, disappointments with life etc.". I will say I stepped up my angry responses when he did this because I grew up in a household with an angry, verbally abusive alcoholic father and my mother had been his doormat. I refuse to follow in a similar pattern.

But it doesn't help. I know that I'm not allowing myself to be treated verbally abusively, but that is a hollow "victory" when I am left feeling terrible and not the peaceful, optimistic, non-confrontational person I am. I have to spend time reminding me that other people LIKE me, that they seek me out to have FUN with.

His health has declined but I have learned something today....about Type D Personality: angry, depressed, pessimistic and more. Fit my husband to a "T". Also, not surprisingly to many here, people (especially and usually men) who are Type D Personalities have HUGE risks of cardiac issues. Before posting this, I read several studies where the rate of death was tremendously increased in men with this personality type. Wow.

I read the post from the concerned person who mentioned the concept of my leaving him....taking care of myself, and that perhaps (to use other words) he'd be scared straight that he really had thrown me away and if he didn't get it together, I wasn't coming back.

Well, suddenly my mother became terminally ill and especially as I am the last person left in my family (no siblings, father passed away 10 years ago), I DID leave but to come and stay with her, to spend every day of her last month both in the hospital and then in Hospice care with her and then at her house daily to pop in and take her dog out, feed dog/cat, occasionally crash and get a few hours of sleep when I knew she was asleep. That was February. March has come and gone and I am still living in what is now my house (my parents were wise about trust type things so there wasn't anything about probate etc. as my name has been on everything for years).

He is in our home (as I had worked hard to re-do) it over and upgrade it and make it a NEW and lovely place for us to move back to in the stupid hope that somehow it would make a difference and he would be happy and remember that we had been happy living there before. But, he is so STUCK with the few toxic, mean spirited people who did us wrong. Once I read about this Type D personality tonight I understand, because it fits that this would be what his focus is. He was emotionally non-supportive throughout the grueling time of my mother's aggressive cancer....and she had only been kind and generous to him, and he had been fond of her.

Sometimes I think I am just so associated with the last place we lived and worked and those particular few but horrendous people, that there is little hope for any change. Heck, it's only gotten worse. Especially since I negotiated a "way out" for us so our needs would be met and no one would "lose face"....a win-win solution. It ended up backfiring with the toxic people because after they got over the happy feeling that they did get what they wanted, control again completely and us no longer there (I'm sorry I'm being vague but I really must) they realized there had been no bloodshed (ours) in the process and decided to renig on the agreement they signed, hired an attorney and tried to get out of it. I know I sound terribly co-dependent here, and perhaps some of this is exactly that, but I have the experience and talent in the family for writing legal briefs and navigating through these kinds of things, and so that's what I did.

I am a fighter, and have always been so when it comes to what is right and when someone tries to hurt someone I love. We won. But still, I lost. Yet, that's not really the point. I'd do it again, especially as it had to do with my future as well...and I didn't do it to get my husband's approval.

I did, however, hope that once it was over he might notice it was in fact over, we were in a beautiful home, he no longer had to deal with those people and be happy again.

He's happy with others, he's delighted to do what he's doing in his current job and being needed and seeing results where he is. And yes I do show him my own vulnerability and need for him, too. But he says the most outrageous things in angry to me, for no reason (I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not horrible either and go out of my way to NOT provoke him). Then he just angrily says "FORGET IT" and I'm supposed to just think he never said all those hurtful things to me.

And what's my current plan? I'm pulling together all the priceless and wonderful things I've grown up with all my life which are in the house my parents moved to almost 40 years ago (grew up in different house...same stuff) to auction it all off. Then pay for the necessary updates which haven't been done (deferred maintenence I think is the term) and then pay to move all of our furniture, art and things and live here. Then get our home ready to put on the market. It's already been so improved and the type of property in a major commuter area that I feel it will sell more quickly than this property would. This home is lovely also, and it is all on one level, so if he lives long enough that he'll need "wheels" (I shudder at the thought of all that....he is just so dramatic about anything bad about his health) this house has no stairs and could accomodate that.

I've suggested that I just deed the other house (our home) over to him, he can live there with the furniture that he's bought and his own personal things and I'd take the things of my own and move here and he'd be free to be miserable all by himself...and if he thinks I'm going to do the same kind of fighting to advocate for the best care for him as I have all along and stay with him as I did with my mother, well, he'd better think about hiring somebody for that job.

Surprise surprise. He doesn't like that idea. I talked about divorce (as previously before we moved back home he'd rather casually told me he'd been thinking of leaving me.....I think that's when the "gloves came off" as far as me having any idea of what was going to happen next and had nothing to lose by speaking up when he was outrageous to me)and he REALLY REALLY hated that idea, actually sounded hurt and a bit panicky. I said that truly I cannot live like this and if there's anything I've learned through the last few months, and grieving the loss of my mother and all the things that I'm going to be losing soon, too, is that life is SHORT, and we never have any idea how much time we have. I'm over 60 though most people guess that I'm more than a decade plus younger than that. HOWEVER I know the sand is running out of the glass and if it means living separately then, so be it. I cannot live in constant conflict no matter what his health situations are. I still have some significant ones of my own.

So, I have no idea what interests I'm going to pursue, as I've been blessed with several talents and a couple of good friends and am cultivating relationships with good neighbors.

I'm reading, and though it sounds lame, the first thing I've done (actually shortly after moving back to our home in July} was to get my nails done....and continue with that. After all the work on the house, the packing and preparing and cleaning left them a mess. Now, the better thing I'm doing is going weekly for therapeutic massage. I researched and found a great massage therapist for my fibromyalgia HUGE flare ups and serious pain issues after my mother's death (I think I kept my whole body clenched the entire month of her dying). Tomorrow is my second visit. And finally, after months of putting it off, I've also gotten my hair done and have found a hairdresser I like.

So, gradually I'm building a quasi support network of new people in my life, even if they're people I pay. They are genuine, good at what they do, I enjoy them, and this massage therapist is a jewel in every way.

Him? I don't know. It's terrible terrible. Last week his cardiac coordinator person told him they could do nothing more to improve his heart function without lowering his blood pressure even more (so many heart strengthening meds are also used for hypertension) and told him he NEEDS A HEART TRANSPLANT. They set up an appointment for both he and I with a different cardiolgist at the end of the month. Even HE told these people he's too old for the transplant list and was told "oh NO you're not!!!!" After research, I can only conclude this is utilizing the alternative donor program (using older hearts to transplant into older people etc......so many otherwise OK organs are discarded every year).

I tried to gently, over a period of time so he could digest the info, tell him about the various anti-rejection meds he'd have to take for the rest of his life and their various side effects. And tried to discuss with him the quality of his life he has now (he drives himself wherever he wants to go, inluding an hour each way to work) and being out and about etc.....vs. the potential quality of life post transplant with all these meds and his advanced age. He, thankfully, is on the fence about this.

I do not think I am ready to get on this particular long term wagon with him....if things are bad now...oh Lord help.

My mother, in her graciousness, sacrifice and observation did some amazing things for me before she became ill. She called her investment guy with some very specific instructions about her estate and me. She told him that all my life I've given to others, sacrificed my interests and time for those who needed the skills I have to give, and that it's now my turn to "find my passion" (she wasn't talking about a person) and to finally live my own life. And that I retire, first of all.

I've known her investment guy for many years as I used to go with my mother to her appointments with him, then drive her, then when she couldn't go to his office he'd come here and I'd come to these meetings. He had a stack of papers already filled out....complete with my employment status as "retired"...although I'm only working part time. I drank a lot of water at that meeting because I was so overwhelmed. I discovered that I could walk away from this guy, my husband of 20+ years, give him our house as a settlement, re-do some areas of my parents' home in such a peaceful place....it is quiet and lovely here...and I'd be able to live rather financially well without his pensions.

It's just so very very sad. I had such hopes that finally we'd actually get to be happy....some sort of happy. It just isn't looking that way. I just can't stand the idea of going through all I'm going to have to go through to move "us" here and then spend the rest of my life watching him sullenly and silently sleep in his chair with his mouth open, when he's not saying something mean to me. Or heaven help us, if he actually is able or decides to go with this transplant thing and survives and all the complexities of that. Just thinking of it makes me feel trapped and suffocated.

I think I have my answer. I just don't know how to implement it. I'm too overwhelmed. Too much. My mother was also my best friend and she's the person I'd be talking about this with. Yesterday after some craziness from him I actually spoke out loud and asked her what should I do? And, friends, for the first time since her death I heard her voice in my mind. It said, "He's not worth it". I questioned it, and over and over I hear the same thing. I don't know if that's because it's what I WANT to hear but....it's not really my imagination. Actually, when I think of it, why else would she have set up her finances the way she did with meetings I did not know about with her finance guy the month before she even knew she had cancer?

I need time. Quiet. Prayer. More massage therapy.

Thank you so much for sharing and update on your situation. I'm so sorry that you're still having so many tough things to deal with. It sounds like you know what you want to do, you just need the time and the strength to do it. Good luck...and please keep us posted. I'm sending you vibes of strength and much deserved peace of mind and spirit...

Thank you so much for sharing and update on your situation. I'm so sorry that you're still having so many tough things to deal with. It sounds like you know what you want to do, you just need the time and the strength to do it. Good luck...and please keep us posted. I'm sending you vibes of strength and much deserved peace of mind and spirit...

Thanks, HandiAnn. I really am grateful for all the strength I can muster and need as much peace of mind and a restored spirit...or at least one that feels hopeful and a true sense of clear direction.

Today the auction people are coming again to photograph the significant pieces in this house etc., with some kind of auction contract (this is so totally new to me as I've never even BEEN to an auction). I've baked an apple pie, made fresh coffee and so I'm as ready as I can be at this point. TRYING to keep a positive attitude.

Here is something which really resonated with me and I think it is KEY, especially as I've had confirmation about it. The other day I read that "Worry is negative prayer" and I thought hmmmm cool concept and I can totally see the point. What we focus on, put out there in the universe, whatever your sense of that sort of higher power is, we tend to point ourselves to and often cause (unwittingly) to happen. The "confirmation" thing part? The day after I read it, I was talking with someone about totally different things and rather out of the blue he said this VERY EXACT thing. I was like, inside, "OK....message received!!" and have been trying to put it into continual practice.

If nothing else, it helps to keep a person positive...or at least neutral. It hasn't filtered out the times of great sorrow and grief that sweeps over me from time to time in the loss of her mother but that's a totally different king of thing, certainly not about worry. Keep that concept in mind as I think it just might be one of those universal spiritual law things. You know? It makes complete sense. And thanks again for your response.

Thanks, HandiAnn. I really am grateful for all the strength I can muster and need as much peace of mind and a restored spirit...or at least one that feels hopeful and a true sense of clear direction.

Today the auction people are coming again to photograph the significant pieces in this house etc., with some kind of auction contract (this is so totally new to me as I've never even BEEN to an auction). I've baked an apple pie, made fresh coffee and so I'm as ready as I can be at this point. TRYING to keep a positive attitude.

Here is something which really resonated with me and I think it is KEY, especially as I've had confirmation about it. The other day I read that "Worry is negative prayer" and I thought hmmmm cool concept and I can totally see the point. What we focus on, put out there in the universe, whatever your sense of that sort of higher power is, we tend to point ourselves to and often cause (unwittingly) to happen. The "confirmation" thing part? The day after I read it, I was talking with someone about totally different things and rather out of the blue he said this VERY EXACT thing. I was like, inside, "OK....message received!!" and have been trying to put it into continual practice.

If nothing else, it helps to keep a person positive...or at least neutral. It hasn't filtered out the times of great sorrow and grief that sweeps over me from time to time in the loss of her mother but that's a totally different king of thing, certainly not about worry. Keep that concept in mind as I think it just might be one of those universal spiritual law things. You know? It makes complete sense. And thanks again for your response.

That's a wonderful phrase about worry. I just exhibited at a trade show and was a bit concerned about my "pre show jitters" and so took along a little book I have had for some time but had put back in my bookshelf (where it does NO good). It's by Louise Hay, "Power Thoughts, 365 Daily Affirmations". I sat and read through a number of them before I went to the reception, which required more extroversion than is my nature. It was very helpful. It's a wonderful little book to keep by the bed, to read right before sleep or when first waking up. It has phrases like, "I look forward with enthusiasm to the adventures of the day" or "Only that which I no longer need leaves my life. Everything else that surrounds me serves a purpose" or "It is healing for me to show my emotions. Is it safe to be vulnerable." Each little phrase is enough to make you stop and be present and think about what is going on. I found it MOST helpful to me.

Good luck with the auction prep and auction. We auctioned my parents' stuff from their home of 35 years when they moved to independent living, so it was easier, as they were both still alive. I'll be sending you good wishes for this day.

That's a wonderful phrase about worry. I just exhibited at a trade show and was a bit concerned about my "pre show jitters" and so took along a little book I have had for some time but had put back in my bookshelf (where it does NO good). It's by Louise Hay, "Power Thoughts, 365 Daily Affirmations". I sat and read through a number of them before I went to the reception, which required more extroversion than is my nature. It was very helpful. It's a wonderful little book to keep by the bed, to read right before sleep or when first waking up. It has phrases like, "I look forward with enthusiasm to the adventures of the day" or "Only that which I no longer need leaves my life. Everything else that surrounds me serves a purpose" or "It is healing for me to show my emotions. Is it safe to be vulnerable." Each little phrase is enough to make you stop and be present and think about what is going on. I found it MOST helpful to me.

Good luck with the auction prep and auction. We auctioned my parents' stuff from their home of 35 years when they moved to independent living, so it was easier, as they were both still alive. I'll be sending you good wishes for this day.

I am so grateful for the support here and people who take the time to write helpful, kind and positive suggestions.

I am so stuck. Nothing is changing except that a.) my waves of grief over the recent loss of my mother are intense as well as reverberating my waves of grief over a husband whom I feel has thrown away any/all affection, concern, consideration and respect for me and hence the loss of the friendship and and all else which goes with that; his meanness toward me has actually seemed to increase despite my attempts to TRY to be open, vulnerable, available and soft to him. He is so vacant, so silent and utterly isolating except when he is angry at me. He has utterly no compassion nor sympathy [toward me] and there is zero kindness. His world is all about him. He is his own universe. There is no "we" or "us" and certainly I'm not in the picture at all except for him to ask a perfunctory "how are you?" but never want to hear any answers. I didn't think it was possible, but he INTERRUPTS me even more than ever!!!!

Years ago I told him that it's as though I'm his very own pretty China doll which he keeps on a shelf (and of course expects her to stay there...alone) until such occasions he feels like taking her down for a moment or two of charm and kindness and then just puts her back on the shelf. He later admitted this was a good analogy. It is even more so today.

But now I'm also wrestling with guilt along with this resentment. We go for this heart transplant consultation thing at the end of the week and I am DREADING it. A wife is supposed to be all hopeful that this kind of intervention will bring her husband good health so they can have more years together of happiness. But this is not where things stand with me/us!!! No, I do not want him to die and already grieve each time I see how much he is failing, largely due to his extreme lack of physician ordered self care and EXERCISE of which he does none. He is becoming more and more frail and I weep inside to see this, yet am also angry that I/we are being cheated out of the time of being able to have some happiness together.

Of course I have beeen researching everything I can find out about cardiac transplantation, especially in significantly older people and continually I read about the extreme importance of family support of the patient (that would be me....)for success. I resent this concept almost viscerally as it would mean waiting on him hand and foot, being all supportive to a man who will likely become even more depressed (and angry etc.) as a result of the side effects of the medication he will have to take to prevent rejection.

WHEN DO I GET TO LIVE MY LIFE????!!!!! He even admits he has "never been there for me" for emotional support and seems to say so with no remorse or intention to be different. Also he will say he's sorry he's such a curmudgeon...but not with any sincerity, nor any words about trying to make it any different. Yet, he (and his doctors of course) expects me to fiercely advocate for him as I have in the past, fought for the best of care for him, and been there 110%. Dear people, I am so NOT there. I truly cannot see myself shuttling him back and forth, doing EVERYTHING with understanding that it's now medically official that he can do NOTHING in assisting in his care or anything about all of the work stretching out before me for "us" to move here...and then for me to continue to do all the things required of a spouse of a transplant recipient and somehow cajol him in the rehabilitation process. Somewhere here on the Internet I actually read that there was a requirement of "100% total dedication and availability of the spouse". Oh my Lord!!!! I thought I felt suffocated before!

Hence, my guilt. I don't want him to qualify for this transplant. Not as things are, have been for many years, and have no signs of positive change. I realize all his behavior is self destructive and dangerously so, but I also know he verbalizes being afraid to die and wishes for more years of life.

Part of what drives my anger is that he is a pastor, and I have seen him (and continue to see/hear him) ladle out buckets full of concern, compassion, soft-voiced sympathy, warm and genuine smiles (and appropriate) hugs to TONS of people but then turn and be stone cold to me. Over and over again.

You see, because he IS a clergyman, there is such shame in discussing this with anyone who could funnel this to or be a person in a position to take away this only thing which seems to make him happy: his ability to serve in this capacity. And you may be stunned to read that he is GREAT at it!Believe it or not, because I still love him it must be, it gladdens my heart to hear him talk warmly about how things are growing at the church he is serving (I am serving at a different church)and happily about his interactions with people there.

I have had such hope, such optimism that SOMETHING will happen to snap him out of this way of being/acting/speaking to ME and realize he IS losing me, HAS thrown our marriage away years ago. When we are under the same roof, it is merely as housemmates.....at most and his silence is deafening.

This is why I say I am stuck. Because of my beliefs I could not leave someone who is in a position such he would be in if he were accepted for cardiac transplant. But I cannot believe God would have me be so trapped, so isolated and in such an intolerable situation. And guilty because I hope he is not accepted for this transplant and lenghten my "sentence" even more. Please, friends, I am hoping no one will write and tell me that this is an opportunity for me to have a change in MY attitude. I have examined this so thoroughly, prayed about it so much, discussed it with 2 trusted women friends and I do not believe that's what this is about. Because I see and hear him be kind, polite (including NEVER interrupting), compassionate and concerned with others, I KNOW he is capable of this. It is not as though some disease process has robbed him of these capabilities. I have even heard such positive things about him from the church he serves and how they help him so they can keep him there as long as possible!

And people say similar things about me, enjoy me, talking with me etc. So I know I've not become a vinegary person, deserving of his treatment.

He keeps telling me with his words that he loves me....HA! None of his actions at all reflect anything of love....however you define it.

I'm reading more, continuing with the massage therapy, got a pedicure today and next I'm thinking of investigating a yoga class. I used to enjoy that and need more physical flexibility and it's also good stress relief. These are things I'm doing for self-care. So, for some moments each week I feel better, as well as the occasions I get to speak with friends, but that leaves the rest of the 24 hours in the day. The work I do at the church I serve is stressful but fulfilling with much positive feedback, yet very tiring given all else I'm having to do in dealing with two houses. Plus now I have an hour commute each way, as well as hide all the feeligs I'm spilling out here. It is looking like I'm not going to be continuing on with this particular job as it is too exhausting plus what I listed above. I need to find a way for less stress and more time for peace for me as things ramp up in the auction planning plus all entailed in figuring out how to reconfigure all our furniture in a completely different kind of house, negotiate with craftspeople about the repairs needing done here....you see what I mean? I'm on a time table with this and now there's this cardiac transplant thing on the horizon, likely, with my husband.

I so hope that things are better with those who may read this. And for those who do, thank you. Perhaps a prayer, please...

I am so grateful for the support here and people who take the time to write helpful, kind and positive suggestions.

I am so stuck. Nothing is changing except that a.) my waves of grief over the recent loss of my mother are intense as well as reverberating my waves of grief over a husband whom I feel has thrown away any/all affection, concern, consideration and respect for me and hence the loss of the friendship and and all else which goes with that; his meanness toward me has actually seemed to increase despite my attempts to TRY to be open, vulnerable, available and soft to him. He is so vacant, so silent and utterly isolating except when he is angry at me. He has utterly no compassion nor sympathy [toward me] and there is zero kindness. His world is all about him. He is his own universe. There is no "we" or "us" and certainly I'm not in the picture at all except for him to ask a perfunctory "how are you?" but never want to hear any answers. I didn't think it was possible, but he INTERRUPTS me even more than ever!!!!

Years ago I told him that it's as though I'm his very own pretty China doll which he keeps on a shelf (and of course expects her to stay there...alone) until such occasions he feels like taking her down for a moment or two of charm and kindness and then just puts her back on the shelf. He later admitted this was a good analogy. It is even more so today.

But now I'm also wrestling with guilt along with this resentment. We go for this heart transplant consultation thing at the end of the week and I am DREADING it. A wife is supposed to be all hopeful that this kind of intervention will bring her husband good health so they can have more years together of happiness. But this is not where things stand with me/us!!! No, I do not want him to die and already grieve each time I see how much he is failing, largely due to his extreme lack of physician ordered self care and EXERCISE of which he does none. He is becoming more and more frail and I weep inside to see this, yet am also angry that I/we are being cheated out of the time of being able to have some happiness together.

Of course I have beeen researching everything I can find out about cardiac transplantation, especially in significantly older people and continually I read about the extreme importance of family support of the patient (that would be me....)for success. I resent this concept almost viscerally as it would mean waiting on him hand and foot, being all supportive to a man who will likely become even more depressed (and angry etc.) as a result of the side effects of the medication he will have to take to prevent rejection.

WHEN DO I GET TO LIVE MY LIFE????!!!!! He even admits he has "never been there for me" for emotional support and seems to say so with no remorse or intention to be different. Also he will say he's sorry he's such a curmudgeon...but not with any sincerity, nor any words about trying to make it any different. Yet, he (and his doctors of course) expects me to fiercely advocate for him as I have in the past, fought for the best of care for him, and been there 110%. Dear people, I am so NOT there. I truly cannot see myself shuttling him back and forth, doing EVERYTHING with understanding that it's now medically official that he can do NOTHING in assisting in his care or anything about all of the work stretching out before me for "us" to move here...and then for me to continue to do all the things required of a spouse of a transplant recipient and somehow cajol him in the rehabilitation process. Somewhere here on the Internet I actually read that there was a requirement of "100% total dedication and availability of the spouse". Oh my Lord!!!! I thought I felt suffocated before!

Hence, my guilt. I don't want him to qualify for this transplant. Not as things are, have been for many years, and have no signs of positive change. I realize all his behavior is self destructive and dangerously so, but I also know he verbalizes being afraid to die and wishes for more years of life.

Part of what drives my anger is that he is a pastor, and I have seen him (and continue to see/hear him) ladle out buckets full of concern, compassion, soft-voiced sympathy, warm and genuine smiles (and appropriate) hugs to TONS of people but then turn and be stone cold to me. Over and over again.

You see, because he IS a clergyman, there is such shame in discussing this with anyone who could funnel this to or be a person in a position to take away this only thing which seems to make him happy: his ability to serve in this capacity. And you may be stunned to read that he is GREAT at it!Believe it or not, because I still love him it must be, it gladdens my heart to hear him talk warmly about how things are growing at the church he is serving (I am serving at a different church)and happily about his interactions with people there.

I have had such hope, such optimism that SOMETHING will happen to snap him out of this way of being/acting/speaking to ME and realize he IS losing me, HAS thrown our marriage away years ago. When we are under the same roof, it is merely as housemmates.....at most and his silence is deafening.

This is why I say I am stuck. Because of my beliefs I could not leave someone who is in a position such he would be in if he were accepted for cardiac transplant. But I cannot believe God would have me be so trapped, so isolated and in such an intolerable situation. And guilty because I hope he is not accepted for this transplant and lenghten my "sentence" even more. Please, friends, I am hoping no one will write and tell me that this is an opportunity for me to have a change in MY attitude. I have examined this so thoroughly, prayed about it so much, discussed it with 2 trusted women friends and I do not believe that's what this is about. Because I see and hear him be kind, polite (including NEVER interrupting), compassionate and concerned with others, I KNOW he is capable of this. It is not as though some disease process has robbed him of these capabilities. I have even heard such positive things about him from the church he serves and how they help him so they can keep him there as long as possible!

And people say similar things about me, enjoy me, talking with me etc. So I know I've not become a vinegary person, deserving of his treatment.

He keeps telling me with his words that he loves me....HA! None of his actions at all reflect anything of love....however you define it.

I'm reading more, continuing with the massage therapy, got a pedicure today and next I'm thinking of investigating a yoga class. I used to enjoy that and need more physical flexibility and it's also good stress relief. These are things I'm doing for self-care. So, for some moments each week I feel better, as well as the occasions I get to speak with friends, but that leaves the rest of the 24 hours in the day. The work I do at the church I serve is stressful but fulfilling with much positive feedback, yet very tiring given all else I'm having to do in dealing with two houses. Plus now I have an hour commute each way, as well as hide all the feeligs I'm spilling out here. It is looking like I'm not going to be continuing on with this particular job as it is too exhausting plus what I listed above. I need to find a way for less stress and more time for peace for me as things ramp up in the auction planning plus all entailed in figuring out how to reconfigure all our furniture in a completely different kind of house, negotiate with craftspeople about the repairs needing done here....you see what I mean? I'm on a time table with this and now there's this cardiac transplant thing on the horizon, likely, with my husband.

I so hope that things are better with those who may read this. And for those who do, thank you. Perhaps a prayer, please...

Just to let you know who I am, previously I have replied to someone in a similar situation to you, because my husband is very similar. Also I replied to a lady caring for a relative as I too was caring for my mum. In other words - quite a lot on!!
I had to realise that I was unable to affect my husband's behaviour. So I made sure that he had all his medical needs catered for correctly and made a clear list of what and when he should take them. Then I told him, nicely, that he did not want a nursemaid or mother but a wife. Now it was up to him. This is scarey, but if you take responsibility for an adult then they will resent it, even if they sit back and let you do it. I still accompany him to the doctor etc.
Now to address the loneliness. I too sleep alone night after night, wondering whether he will be alive in the morning. (my husband throws off the CPAP mask in the night). Before I go the sleep I say "OK Lord I have done the day shift, now it is over to you." Because I have realised the way to deal with the frightening uncertainty of this situation is to face it and recognise that it is not in my hands. Surprisingly this relieves me of the terrible weight of responsibility that you also will be feeling. In the daytime I make sure that I have activities with other people. To me the most important thing has been to enjoy normal everyday life with upbeat people. I write fiction and have joined a group, I walk in the countryside, again with a group and also work part time. I urge you to find at least one upbeat thing to do each week, then make it an activity twice a week. You get the idea. Of course my husband is inclined to neglect himself. If I do not put his lunch in front of him on the table, then he goes without. He is also diabetic and epileptic. But I make sure there is something there for him and the rest is up to him. Difficult to let go, but unless you want to hit deppression as I did 2 years ago, it is the only way. I so relate to not combing his hair. My husband wears the same cardigan day after day. He looks like a neglected old man!! Yet let me tell you, when he knows that he will be with a group of friends that he wants to impress then he looks so smart that I remember who he really is. You are not your husband's mother. If he wants to shamble around - let him. But if he dresses smart one day, mention it. Say how nice he looks. Get it. You ARE a nice person, try not to let a reversal in your lives upset you and change you. Keep smart, keep smiling, slap on the makeup and you will attract nice jolly people. How do I know, because I have found it out for myself. Now my husband is happier and takes on more chores at home. However if anything else needs doing he has hysterics and cannot cope. It is a tough reality. Be determined to cope by yourself and ask some nice neighbours, friends or family if you feel overloaded, which I am sure you do. Very rarely do my husband and I do anything together and it hurts, but this week he came to a luncheon with me. A friend said "who is that old man, he looks really ill." It wasn't easy to say that he is my husband but it did put things in perspective. He is ill, its not good news but I am sure that if a wimp like me can cope and come out smiling so can you. Good luck and God bless.

Just to let you know who I am, previously I have replied to someone in a similar situation to you, because my husband is very similar. Also I replied to a lady caring for a relative as I too was caring for my mum. In other words - quite a lot on!!
I had to realise that I was unable to affect my husband's behaviour. So I made sure that he had all his medical needs catered for correctly and made a clear list of what and when he should take them. Then I told him, nicely, that he did not want a nursemaid or mother but a wife. Now it was up to him. This is scarey, but if you take responsibility for an adult then they will resent it, even if they sit back and let you do it. I still accompany him to the doctor etc.
Now to address the loneliness. I too sleep alone night after night, wondering whether he will be alive in the morning. (my husband throws off the CPAP mask in the night). Before I go the sleep I say "OK Lord I have done the day shift, now it is over to you." Because I have realised the way to deal with the frightening uncertainty of this situation is to face it and recognise that it is not in my hands. Surprisingly this relieves me of the terrible weight of responsibility that you also will be feeling. In the daytime I make sure that I have activities with other people. To me the most important thing has been to enjoy normal everyday life with upbeat people. I write fiction and have joined a group, I walk in the countryside, again with a group and also work part time. I urge you to find at least one upbeat thing to do each week, then make it an activity twice a week. You get the idea. Of course my husband is inclined to neglect himself. If I do not put his lunch in front of him on the table, then he goes without. He is also diabetic and epileptic. But I make sure there is something there for him and the rest is up to him. Difficult to let go, but unless you want to hit deppression as I did 2 years ago, it is the only way. I so relate to not combing his hair. My husband wears the same cardigan day after day. He looks like a neglected old man!! Yet let me tell you, when he knows that he will be with a group of friends that he wants to impress then he looks so smart that I remember who he really is. You are not your husband's mother. If he wants to shamble around - let him. But if he dresses smart one day, mention it. Say how nice he looks. Get it. You ARE a nice person, try not to let a reversal in your lives upset you and change you. Keep smart, keep smiling, slap on the makeup and you will attract nice jolly people. How do I know, because I have found it out for myself. Now my husband is happier and takes on more chores at home. However if anything else needs doing he has hysterics and cannot cope. It is a tough reality. Be determined to cope by yourself and ask some nice neighbours, friends or family if you feel overloaded, which I am sure you do. Very rarely do my husband and I do anything together and it hurts, but this week he came to a luncheon with me. A friend said "who is that old man, he looks really ill." It wasn't easy to say that he is my husband but it did put things in perspective. He is ill, its not good news but I am sure that if a wimp like me can cope and come out smiling so can you. Good luck and God bless.

I am the CHF patient, not yours but another. I am in the last few months of my life and I know that it overloads my wife terriably. Since we married, we have been by each other's side, even her work was something that I could help her with. I have a current concern that I am pondering at this time. The swelling in my lower abdomen has almost gotten in the way of all my normalk functions. I have to keep a urinary cathater inserted full time now because the "growths" there have crowded out other functions in that area.

The medical people this week gave me a choice of whether or not to keep the cathater in or not. If I took it out only temporarily, I would quickly get worse from kidney failure, and if I left it out, I would die very shortly. What choice would you have made?

I used to be a very active person, working with my large plot where my home is, now all I can do is look out the window at someone else doing what I always enjoyed, when I can afford it.

I am the CHF patient, not yours but another. I am in the last few months of my life and I know that it overloads my wife terriably. Since we married, we have been by each other's side, even her work was something that I could help her with. I have a current concern that I am pondering at this time. The swelling in my lower abdomen has almost gotten in the way of all my normalk functions. I have to keep a urinary cathater inserted full time now because the "growths" there have crowded out other functions in that area.

The medical people this week gave me a choice of whether or not to keep the cathater in or not. If I took it out only temporarily, I would quickly get worse from kidney failure, and if I left it out, I would die very shortly. What choice would you have made?

I used to be a very active person, working with my large plot where my home is, now all I can do is look out the window at someone else doing what I always enjoyed, when I can afford it.

If the catheter makes you more comfortable, I'd leave it in. I know there's a chance of infection with it in, but the toxicity in your body from a buildup of urine if you take it out would be much worse, I would think. Blessings to you in whatever you decide.

If the catheter makes you more comfortable, I'd leave it in. I know there's a chance of infection with it in, but the toxicity in your body from a buildup of urine if you take it out would be much worse, I would think. Blessings to you in whatever you decide.

I think Espana has given you the best reflection of what you can do in your situation. Since you're not able to leave your husband because of your beliefs, the best you can do is limit the damage he does to your psyche and your body by keeping your friends and activities that give you some peace and solace. Strengthen your personal boundaries with your husband and find blessings in other parts of your life wherever you can.

Your feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, frustration, and even dislike/hate for your husband are perfectly normal given the situation you've described. Having those feelings shouldn't make you feel guiltier. Surely God can understand and forgive you your personal feelings.

And we're always here to listen, whenever you feel like you have to let out your sadness, frustration and worry.

I think Espana has given you the best reflection of what you can do in your situation. Since you're not able to leave your husband because of your beliefs, the best you can do is limit the damage he does to your psyche and your body by keeping your friends and activities that give you some peace and solace. Strengthen your personal boundaries with your husband and find blessings in other parts of your life wherever you can.

Your feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, frustration, and even dislike/hate for your husband are perfectly normal given the situation you've described. Having those feelings shouldn't make you feel guiltier. Surely God can understand and forgive you your personal feelings.

And we're always here to listen, whenever you feel like you have to let out your sadness, frustration and worry.

I do not believe I have felt this good since my Dad died almost 5 years ago. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I feel as though you are my twin. My husband has Dementia (doc not sure which one), A-fib, Svt, Artherioclorosis, etc. Not nice to me but is to others, sits for hours on end working Sudokus. I mean this sincerely. You have made me feel hope and know that I am not alone. I begged for years for a closer relationship with him to no avail. We sleep seperately and he is very manipulative. He has lied to doctors for years about his health and his neglect of it. Has smoked & eaten fast food. I am not willing to take on another hospital stay of any kind. I have told him and explained to all of his doctors there will be no more treatments of any kind. When he gets worse I will insist they (doctors)refer him to Hospice to keep him pain free and that's it.. I take an anti-depressent, have therapy every 3-4 weeks, do massages, etc. I have felt so lonely and isolated but am coming out of it slowly. There is an age difference between us but I was in it forever & adored him. His betrayals to me & admitting to me that he had never been 'supportive' of me have been so hurtful that I have spent years trying to alleviate the pain to myself. I still haven't found the strength to forgive him but I know in time for me to heal I will. His kids are horrible. Grown, don't visit & certainly don't want to help. My grown children on the other hand have loved him and help me care for him. I could go on and on but just wante you to know you have made me feel human again! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I do not believe I have felt this good since my Dad died almost 5 years ago. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I feel as though you are my twin. My husband has Dementia (doc not sure which one), A-fib, Svt, Artherioclorosis, etc. Not nice to me but is to others, sits for hours on end working Sudokus. I mean this sincerely. You have made me feel hope and know that I am not alone. I begged for years for a closer relationship with him to no avail. We sleep seperately and he is very manipulative. He has lied to doctors for years about his health and his neglect of it. Has smoked & eaten fast food. I am not willing to take on another hospital stay of any kind. I have told him and explained to all of his doctors there will be no more treatments of any kind. When he gets worse I will insist they (doctors)refer him to Hospice to keep him pain free and that's it.. I take an anti-depressent, have therapy every 3-4 weeks, do massages, etc. I have felt so lonely and isolated but am coming out of it slowly. There is an age difference between us but I was in it forever & adored him. His betrayals to me & admitting to me that he had never been 'supportive' of me have been so hurtful that I have spent years trying to alleviate the pain to myself. I still haven't found the strength to forgive him but I know in time for me to heal I will. His kids are horrible. Grown, don't visit & certainly don't want to help. My grown children on the other hand have loved him and help me care for him. I could go on and on but just wante you to know you have made me feel human again! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I am not going to advocate for anything else with my spouse. I, like you, feel suffocated, trapped & not at all appreciated. Tell his doctors you are all for anything they want to do but they will be taking him home with them. I told this to my husband's cardiologist 2 years ago. My husband has always been very non-compliant & I'm done. Like you, when is it my turn? I gave 26 years hoping we would have a great retired life together. I tolerated his horrible children as I watched mine do without. Guess who helps with him now? My children. His are too busy & can't be bothered. My guy is self-centered & childish & the dementia has worsened these traits. I am on the path back to my reality now. My depression is lifting & I refuse to go back & let him suffocate the life out of me. His life choices have brought him here & he will just have to deal with the consequences.

I am not going to advocate for anything else with my spouse. I, like you, feel suffocated, trapped & not at all appreciated. Tell his doctors you are all for anything they want to do but they will be taking him home with them. I told this to my husband's cardiologist 2 years ago. My husband has always been very non-compliant & I'm done. Like you, when is it my turn? I gave 26 years hoping we would have a great retired life together. I tolerated his horrible children as I watched mine do without. Guess who helps with him now? My children. His are too busy & can't be bothered. My guy is self-centered & childish & the dementia has worsened these traits. I am on the path back to my reality now. My depression is lifting & I refuse to go back & let him suffocate the life out of me. His life choices have brought him here & he will just have to deal with the consequences.

Racegal, After your reply to me I came to see your profile. Oh,baby! I am so sorry for what you are living with. It's not fair, is it? And when you think that, you hear a voice saying "Who ever told you life is fair"? Well, dammit! It should be more fair than this! It sounds as though you are no longer with your husband? I wish I could talk to you on a more personal level. I love when you say you are on the path back to reality. At least you know that there is hope for happiness for you. ~donna

Racegal, After your reply to me I came to see your profile. Oh,baby! I am so sorry for what you are living with. It's not fair, is it? And when you think that, you hear a voice saying "Who ever told you life is fair"? Well, dammit! It should be more fair than this! It sounds as though you are no longer with your husband? I wish I could talk to you on a more personal level. I love when you say you are on the path back to reality. At least you know that there is hope for happiness for you. ~donna

Been there did that. He made me think it was me that had the problems with affection and anger but now that he left me I know like you that I am an upbeat positive person. I am now caregiving for my father but never haave angry outburst and negetive feelings like I did with my husband. Being sick at any age is no excuse for abuse. That is the only thing that made sense in my case. Like you we stopped having sex. Stopped talking going to dinner ect. When I went with my gut and asked if there was someone else he would deny it and use his health issues as a reason that this was not possible. I know he was'nt doing me and he was not the type to do without. Just a few monthes ago he admitted to having a girlfriend, though he says not while we were together. Like you I found myself doing all the work, When we moved me and the kids were expected to do all the work. He would not even ask his male friends to help. If I asked it was flirting. I dont know what the answer is. you asked is anyone else in the same boat so I thought I'd let you know. Make sure you take care of yourself. I'm just now remembering what that is two years after our seperation. You will find out who your real friends are rely and trust and enjoy them.

Been there did that. He made me think it was me that had the problems with affection and anger but now that he left me I know like you that I am an upbeat positive person. I am now caregiving for my father but never haave angry outburst and negetive feelings like I did with my husband. Being sick at any age is no excuse for abuse. That is the only thing that made sense in my case. Like you we stopped having sex. Stopped talking going to dinner ect. When I went with my gut and asked if there was someone else he would deny it and use his health issues as a reason that this was not possible. I know he was'nt doing me and he was not the type to do without. Just a few monthes ago he admitted to having a girlfriend, though he says not while we were together. Like you I found myself doing all the work, When we moved me and the kids were expected to do all the work. He would not even ask his male friends to help. If I asked it was flirting. I dont know what the answer is. you asked is anyone else in the same boat so I thought I'd let you know. Make sure you take care of yourself. I'm just now remembering what that is two years after our seperation. You will find out who your real friends are rely and trust and enjoy them.

I'm sorry to all those that have been mistreated, abused, etc. I would first of all tell you that I am the male that has come down with CHF and can't even get out of my wheelchair. My Loving wife and I carried on a mutual sexual satisfying marriage until one day, it just wouldn't happen any more. The chest pains were just too much to manage with. My wife decided at that time that we would be platoinc and let it go at that. I have been married to her more than 20 years and all has been well, except that her family has been standing by all these years thinking that I would pass away and they could gain access to our belongings. She was pretty gulliable to anything that her brothers said or wanted and it cost us a fortune before she finally realized what they were doing to her.

The main point here is that I am the old man here that is "taking advantage, being abusive and neglectful" toward my wife. Just think twice before you blame every thing that happens on the mean old man. What kind of personality do you think you would have if you had to give up doing everything that you ever enjoyed because you couldn't stand the pain or it just took too much out of you to do that anymore? At the point that I am now, my doctors, nor the social workers, or even the laws won't allow her to leave me alone for any time at all. I try with all my heart to not be like the people mentioned above, but it is not always easy to keep an even temper and plesant personna when you are in tremendous amounts of pain.

Thank you for listening to me!

I'm sorry to all those that have been mistreated, abused, etc. I would first of all tell you that I am the male that has come down with CHF and can't even get out of my wheelchair. My Loving wife and I carried on a mutual sexual satisfying marriage until one day, it just wouldn't happen any more. The chest pains were just too much to manage with. My wife decided at that time that we would be platoinc and let it go at that. I have been married to her more than 20 years and all has been well, except that her family has been standing by all these years thinking that I would pass away and they could gain access to our belongings. She was pretty gulliable to anything that her brothers said or wanted and it cost us a fortune before she finally realized what they were doing to her.

The main point here is that I am the old man here that is "taking advantage, being abusive and neglectful" toward my wife. Just think twice before you blame every thing that happens on the mean old man. What kind of personality do you think you would have if you had to give up doing everything that you ever enjoyed because you couldn't stand the pain or it just took too much out of you to do that anymore? At the point that I am now, my doctors, nor the social workers, or even the laws won't allow her to leave me alone for any time at all. I try with all my heart to not be like the people mentioned above, but it is not always easy to keep an even temper and plesant personna when you are in tremendous amounts of pain.

Thank you for listening to me!

Dear Kingbird, As long as you did nothing to place yourself in your position you have my utmost sympathy. My feeling toward my husband stem from the fact that he was so non-compliant about his health issues. When a physician looks you in the eye & tells you 'your smoking is either going to put you in the ground or cause open heart bypass surgery' & you continue to smoke, why should I have sympathy or have to be your caregiver due to your total acts of selfishness? Another doctor told him that his smoking was like pouring gasoline on an open flame! Did that stop him? No! I did everything possible to help & understand & now I get to be abused because of his choices? My husband doesn't seem to be in any physical pain thank goodness, as I do not want to see anyone suffer. But if he feels alone or is now depressed because of his current situation, oh well. He brought this on himself & you don't get do-overs in this life. That's why you have to be careful of your choices & decisions & try to understand how they will not only affect yourself but the people around you who love & care for you. He & I could have had a wonderful life together instead of this, all due to his poor decisions. And on top of all that, his children were always treated well while mine sometimes did without & yet who helps care for him? Not his to be sure. All the children are grown & yet mine are always here to help, with one of them traveling over 4 hours to help out. He has one who lives less than 3 hours away & hasn't seen him in over a year & has made it pretty clear the last couple of months she doesn't want to see him or be part of his shortened life. Once again, poor choices. If I seem harsh or bitter to you, I truly am trying not to be. I do not want him to feel bad or be in pain at all. I just have run out of sympathy for someone I loved for a very long time & wouldn't return the love. I fully intend to keep him comfortable & well as long as possible, I just refuse to be manipulated or made to feel guilty anymore. Thanks for listening.

Dear Kingbird, As long as you did nothing to place yourself in your position you have my utmost sympathy. My feeling toward my husband stem from the fact that he was so non-compliant about his health issues. When a physician looks you in the eye & tells you 'your smoking is either going to put you in the ground or cause open heart bypass surgery' & you continue to smoke, why should I have sympathy or have to be your caregiver due to your total acts of selfishness? Another doctor told him that his smoking was like pouring gasoline on an open flame! Did that stop him? No! I did everything possible to help & understand & now I get to be abused because of his choices? My husband doesn't seem to be in any physical pain thank goodness, as I do not want to see anyone suffer. But if he feels alone or is now depressed because of his current situation, oh well. He brought this on himself & you don't get do-overs in this life. That's why you have to be careful of your choices & decisions & try to understand how they will not only affect yourself but the people around you who love & care for you. He & I could have had a wonderful life together instead of this, all due to his poor decisions. And on top of all that, his children were always treated well while mine sometimes did without & yet who helps care for him? Not his to be sure. All the children are grown & yet mine are always here to help, with one of them traveling over 4 hours to help out. He has one who lives less than 3 hours away & hasn't seen him in over a year & has made it pretty clear the last couple of months she doesn't want to see him or be part of his shortened life. Once again, poor choices. If I seem harsh or bitter to you, I truly am trying not to be. I do not want him to feel bad or be in pain at all. I just have run out of sympathy for someone I loved for a very long time & wouldn't return the love. I fully intend to keep him comfortable & well as long as possible, I just refuse to be manipulated or made to feel guilty anymore. Thanks for listening.

I'm glad that you are getting along with your wife. I wanted to get along with my husband. I don't blame him for getting sick. I have often imagined myself in others shoes. I was in this for life. He is not an old man. Like Regal's husband he refused to do what the doctors said and when I would make him healthful food he would look at it like it was dirt. My family adored him. It warms my heart to see older people sticking together and takeing care of each other.You hang in there and try to stay positive. Sounds like you have a great woman by your side.

I'm glad that you are getting along with your wife. I wanted to get along with my husband. I don't blame him for getting sick. I have often imagined myself in others shoes. I was in this for life. He is not an old man. Like Regal's husband he refused to do what the doctors said and when I would make him healthful food he would look at it like it was dirt. My family adored him. It warms my heart to see older people sticking together and takeing care of each other.You hang in there and try to stay positive. Sounds like you have a great woman by your side.

Thank you for your post. I did research when my husband was diagoned. I think that counseling should be given on a regular basis. It took a tole on me and my children. I knew a lot of it was the chf but he would'nt admit it. He blamed me for everything. He made terrible choices cause of depression and that is why our marriage is ending. I applaud you all that can hang in there. Things fell apart for us and I didn't know how to put it back together. There is so much we need to learn about it.

Thank you for your post. I did research when my husband was diagoned. I think that counseling should be given on a regular basis. It took a tole on me and my children. I knew a lot of it was the chf but he would'nt admit it. He blamed me for everything. He made terrible choices cause of depression and that is why our marriage is ending. I applaud you all that can hang in there. Things fell apart for us and I didn't know how to put it back together. There is so much we need to learn about it.

Hi....... have only just joined this forum and read your posting although your conversation started over a year ago. You have my heartfelt sympathy and agreement. My situation is different in background, but the result is the same..... after 5 years of marriage (2nd marriage - me 45 he 55)my husband's personality started to change and our relationship started to break down. Now, 15 years down the line he has been diagnosed with ALZ, but it's 15 years too late. the horrible, overbearing control freak whom I have disliked for years is ill, and I am supposed not to blame him but the illness, not to hate him but the ALZ............ Yeah, right. I can't turn back the clock and pretend everything didn't happen.......I just have to smile sweetly and say "Yes dear"......GRRRRRRRRRR

Hi....... have only just joined this forum and read your posting although your conversation started over a year ago. You have my heartfelt sympathy and agreement. My situation is different in background, but the result is the same..... after 5 years of marriage (2nd marriage - me 45 he 55)my husband's personality started to change and our relationship started to break down. Now, 15 years down the line he has been diagnosed with ALZ, but it's 15 years too late. the horrible, overbearing control freak whom I have disliked for years is ill, and I am supposed not to blame him but the illness, not to hate him but the ALZ............ Yeah, right. I can't turn back the clock and pretend everything didn't happen.......I just have to smile sweetly and say "Yes dear"......GRRRRRRRRRR

Have only one thing to say to this...............SNAP.............!!!! i COULD HUG YOU BOTH TO DEATH. I am SOOOO glad i stumbled on this conversation. THANKYOU

Have only one thing to say to this...............SNAP.............!!!! i COULD HUG YOU BOTH TO DEATH. I am SOOOO glad i stumbled on this conversation. THANKYOU

Unfortunately we are very new to this game and still at the falling-apart stage. My husband is totally unaware of how unhappy he is making me and resents me looking for help or support.......... Why should I need it???? I know he can't help it but it doesn't make it any better.....hugs to you all...

Unfortunately we are very new to this game and still at the falling-apart stage. My husband is totally unaware of how unhappy he is making me and resents me looking for help or support.......... Why should I need it???? I know he can't help it but it doesn't make it any better.....hugs to you all...

Hello dear friends,

I believe it was me who started this thread and all of the postings have been so meaningful and supportive...validating that I am not going nuts. I've kept you all in your various situations in my prayers throughout this time.

So very much has happened. But I am sad to say (mixed feelings really, because I know my husband was never going to get better and the ending with this thing is really tough)that my husband passed away at the end of May.

The timing came as such a shock to us...and his doctors as well. Everyone thought he was pretty stable. The day before our anniversary, when we usually go away for a long weekend to celebrate...well, even though that hasn't been so great due to all the personality changes. Rather dreadful, really. We went for a usual followup and apparently things had plunged terribly with his heart's ejection fraction. The doctors were amazed he'd been able to function at all. They admitted him to the hospital and the next day, on our anniversary, gave us the news that he had between 2-3 days and 2-3 weeks to live and suggested we make arrangements immediately for hospice care.

There is an amazing Hospice House in our community with which we had been familiar and the next day we were grateful that they had an opening and he was transported there by ambulance.

He was still conscious and we had a precious few days wherein miraculously his personality changed back to the loving man I married. He had complete peace with the nearness of the end of his life and told his doctors, me, and others so. But for a time all he could do was apologize to me for everything he put me though during all this. And all I could say was it was ok...that's all in the past.

His siblings from across the country and children also far flung were able to see him before he died. The Hospice people were amazingly supportive, and tried to provide care for me, too. As in, kind of keeping an eye about did I eat anything, etc and would gently bring me some varieties of things, light comfort food, and tea (after finding out what kind I liked).

They let me stay with him the entire time, even after he lapsed into a coma. Meaning, I was able to squish myself next to him in on his hospital bed in the "spoons" position and hold him while trying to see if I might be able to sleep, which only happened one night. Somehow being held at night helped his anxiety level as his condition continued to deteriorate.

He was gone in just under a week.

So many mixed feelings. It is a profound loss and there is such a huge void....but it was a precious gift to have those last few days with him, the "old" him, the dear man I married.

For me, it's a bit more unusual, perhaps, than others because my mother who was also my best friend, had a sudden stage 4 cancer be diagnosed on Feb 2 after she had been admitted to the hospital. She had blessedly been completely a-symptomatic and had no idea she was sick. I thought she'd had a bad spider bite (causing this sudden lump on her neck) and swelling in her left arm.

I thought I'd come, stay over night, and take her to the ER the next day, that likely she'd be admitted for a couple of days of IV antibiotics and be good to go. But, in the ER they did other tests, and admitted her to the hospital. The next day they told us she had stage 4 lymphoma throughout everywhere in her body. Later, they fine tuned that due to the results of a bedside biopsy of the lump on her neck, that she had an adenocarcinoma.....which just means some cancer started in some organ somewhere and spread everywhere and there's nothing to be done except keep her comfortable.

I stayed with her for the 6 days in the hospital and then had her transferred to a placement that I felt she'd be comfortable in. I didn't dare bring her home with visiting nurses and home hospice care, knowing that any kind of catastrophy could happen at any time, most likely when there'd be no one there but me. See, I have no brothers or sisters, or any other family members at all. No one to help.

Having her be in a place where she was comfortable, felt safe and where people could manage her care 24/7 and any crisis when it happened seemed to be the best possible move. Thankfully she agreed.

I was there throughout the whole month before she died...on Ash Wednesday.

So, this is why I say my situation may be a little different from many here. In early March I lost my mother after a long, draining sad month. And 2 months later my husband died...on Memorial Day, just after our anniversary.

There has been...IS...so much paperwork and all, that I am completely overwhelmed. I just let the tears fall when they will, and that is getting better. We are people with a strong faith and believe completely that he is in a better place, truly, as he is obviously suffering no more.

Especially as I had started this particular thread, I wanted you all to know that this is how things have turned out and when. The silence is astonishing now and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. Thankfully I have the support of a couple of great friends and super neighbors down the road.

This (congestive heart failure) is a dreadful illness in many more ways than the physicians tell you. No one talks about the profound personality changes, the things which wreck relationships and push away the person who is the closest care giver --- the spouse.

Now, learning how to be a widow at an age, especially, much younger than I'd ever thought, and deal with the various feelings I have is completely uncharted waters. I find support for this in the most surprising places....often women who are strangers and are calling on the phone for a totally different reason.

Life is deep and it is wide and filled with so many changes, usually when we least expect them. We need to embrace each day somehow and find ways to live it to the fullest we can, no matter our situation. If we spend time in quietness, listen, and open our eyes to more than the ordinary regular and usual things around us, including the pain and badness, throughout this journey and the end and now, I find that life holds special gifts for us.

I promise you all this, as one among you who has been through hell and back, as have you. If you can take some time for yourself in quietness each day, listen with new ears and look with new eyes, and expect to receive something special...you never know what it is...you will receive gifts which will soothe and uplift your spirit, and strenghten your heart. The other day for me it was watching an eagle wheeling and swooping joyfully in the air above the back field. Obviously he wasn't hunting...he was playing!

We just have to open ourselves and be aware...or we'll miss them.

In cleaning out my parents' home of EVERYTHING and has that ever been a difficult and gargantuan task, I found a note my father had written. It astonished me because he was in the very latest stages of Parkinson's Disease, with all the terrible personality changes which come with this, too, had huge heart problems, and was in constant pain 24/7. To no one in particular, in handwriting I could still decipher, he wrote: "You've got to appreciate just being alive!". And this was only a few short months before he died.

So, my friends, I don't know why we are given the struggles which are placed in our hands. I just know that no matter what, we only have our one life on earth here (before being released to our new home)and we are meant to find and savor the morsels of joy which are placed like sparkling gems in each day....no matter what else is going on in our midst.

To all of you, brethren and sisters bound together by more than the suffering in our lives, I bid you the abundance found in simplicity, the joy found in gratitude, and the peace found in courage.

I will continue to pray for strength for all of you and yours, and perhaps you might remember to send a prayer my way once and a while, too.

With deepest love in unity, Karen

Hello dear friends,

I believe it was me who started this thread and all of the postings have been so meaningful and supportive...validating that I am not going nuts. I've kept you all in your various situations in my prayers throughout this time.

So very much has happened. But I am sad to say (mixed feelings really, because I know my husband was never going to get better and the ending with this thing is really tough)that my husband passed away at the end of May.

The timing came as such a shock to us...and his doctors as well. Everyone thought he was pretty stable. The day before our anniversary, when we usually go away for a long weekend to celebrate...well, even though that hasn't been so great due to all the personality changes. Rather dreadful, really. We went for a usual followup and apparently things had plunged terribly with his heart's ejection fraction. The doctors were amazed he'd been able to function at all. They admitted him to the hospital and the next day, on our anniversary, gave us the news that he had between 2-3 days and 2-3 weeks to live and suggested we make arrangements immediately for hospice care.

There is an amazing Hospice House in our community with which we had been familiar and the next day we were grateful that they had an opening and he was transported there by ambulance.

He was still conscious and we had a precious few days wherein miraculously his personality changed back to the loving man I married. He had complete peace with the nearness of the end of his life and told his doctors, me, and others so. But for a time all he could do was apologize to me for everything he put me though during all this. And all I could say was it was ok...that's all in the past.

His siblings from across the country and children also far flung were able to see him before he died. The Hospice people were amazingly supportive, and tried to provide care for me, too. As in, kind of keeping an eye about did I eat anything, etc and would gently bring me some varieties of things, light comfort food, and tea (after finding out what kind I liked).

They let me stay with him the entire time, even after he lapsed into a coma. Meaning, I was able to squish myself next to him in on his hospital bed in the "spoons" position and hold him while trying to see if I might be able to sleep, which only happened one night. Somehow being held at night helped his anxiety level as his condition continued to deteriorate.

He was gone in just under a week.

So many mixed feelings. It is a profound loss and there is such a huge void....but it was a precious gift to have those last few days with him, the "old" him, the dear man I married.

For me, it's a bit more unusual, perhaps, than others because my mother who was also my best friend, had a sudden stage 4 cancer be diagnosed on Feb 2 after she had been admitted to the hospital. She had blessedly been completely a-symptomatic and had no idea she was sick. I thought she'd had a bad spider bite (causing this sudden lump on her neck) and swelling in her left arm.

I thought I'd come, stay over night, and take her to the ER the next day, that likely she'd be admitted for a couple of days of IV antibiotics and be good to go. But, in the ER they did other tests, and admitted her to the hospital. The next day they told us she had stage 4 lymphoma throughout everywhere in her body. Later, they fine tuned that due to the results of a bedside biopsy of the lump on her neck, that she had an adenocarcinoma.....which just means some cancer started in some organ somewhere and spread everywhere and there's nothing to be done except keep her comfortable.

I stayed with her for the 6 days in the hospital and then had her transferred to a placement that I felt she'd be comfortable in. I didn't dare bring her home with visiting nurses and home hospice care, knowing that any kind of catastrophy could happen at any time, most likely when there'd be no one there but me. See, I have no brothers or sisters, or any other family members at all. No one to help.

Having her be in a place where she was comfortable, felt safe and where people could manage her care 24/7 and any crisis when it happened seemed to be the best possible move. Thankfully she agreed.

I was there throughout the whole month before she died...on Ash Wednesday.

So, this is why I say my situation may be a little different from many here. In early March I lost my mother after a long, draining sad month. And 2 months later my husband died...on Memorial Day, just after our anniversary.

There has been...IS...so much paperwork and all, that I am completely overwhelmed. I just let the tears fall when they will, and that is getting better. We are people with a strong faith and believe completely that he is in a better place, truly, as he is obviously suffering no more.

Especially as I had started this particular thread, I wanted you all to know that this is how things have turned out and when. The silence is astonishing now and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. Thankfully I have the support of a couple of great friends and super neighbors down the road.

This (congestive heart failure) is a dreadful illness in many more ways than the physicians tell you. No one talks about the profound personality changes, the things which wreck relationships and push away the person who is the closest care giver --- the spouse.

Now, learning how to be a widow at an age, especially, much younger than I'd ever thought, and deal with the various feelings I have is completely uncharted waters. I find support for this in the most surprising places....often women who are strangers and are calling on the phone for a totally different reason.

Life is deep and it is wide and filled with so many changes, usually when we least expect them. We need to embrace each day somehow and find ways to live it to the fullest we can, no matter our situation. If we spend time in quietness, listen, and open our eyes to more than the ordinary regular and usual things around us, including the pain and badness, throughout this journey and the end and now, I find that life holds special gifts for us.

I promise you all this, as one among you who has been through hell and back, as have you. If you can take some time for yourself in quietness each day, listen with new ears and look with new eyes, and expect to receive something special...you never know what it is...you will receive gifts which will soothe and uplift your spirit, and strenghten your heart. The other day for me it was watching an eagle wheeling and swooping joyfully in the air above the back field. Obviously he wasn't hunting...he was playing!

We just have to open ourselves and be aware...or we'll miss them.

In cleaning out my parents' home of EVERYTHING and has that ever been a difficult and gargantuan task, I found a note my father had written. It astonished me because he was in the very latest stages of Parkinson's Disease, with all the terrible personality changes which come with this, too, had huge heart problems, and was in constant pain 24/7. To no one in particular, in handwriting I could still decipher, he wrote: "You've got to appreciate just being alive!". And this was only a few short months before he died.

So, my friends, I don't know why we are given the struggles which are placed in our hands. I just know that no matter what, we only have our one life on earth here (before being released to our new home)and we are meant to find and savor the morsels of joy which are placed like sparkling gems in each day....no matter what else is going on in our midst.

To all of you, brethren and sisters bound together by more than the suffering in our lives, I bid you the abundance found in simplicity, the joy found in gratitude, and the peace found in courage.

I will continue to pray for strength for all of you and yours, and perhaps you might remember to send a prayer my way once and a while, too.

With deepest love in unity, Karen

I'm sorry for your loss.I know it must be tuff. It is true that the the disease changes the person that we fell in love with. but it was nice that you got some of that person back. I hope that those in the medical field will read our experiences and be able to help people like us befor things fall apart. your experience though unfortunate still has helped others know that they are not alone. For that I thank you and will pray for you. I wish that I could give you a real hug cause I know that you could use one right now. I'm glad that you have support and hope that you will continue to post with the new adventures in your new role. I know that it awaits you. care giveing is intense work. but it is good and since you are a person of faith you must know that you reap what you sow. Caregiving is good fruit to reap. Thank you so much for sharing.

I'm sorry for your loss.I know it must be tuff. It is true that the the disease changes the person that we fell in love with. but it was nice that you got some of that person back. I hope that those in the medical field will read our experiences and be able to help people like us befor things fall apart. your experience though unfortunate still has helped others know that they are not alone. For that I thank you and will pray for you. I wish that I could give you a real hug cause I know that you could use one right now. I'm glad that you have support and hope that you will continue to post with the new adventures in your new role. I know that it awaits you. care giveing is intense work. but it is good and since you are a person of faith you must know that you reap what you sow. Caregiving is good fruit to reap. Thank you so much for sharing.

Karen,

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your mom and your husband in such close proximity must have felt unbearable at times. I am grateful that you got to spend time with your "loving" husband in his final weeks.

Was your husband able to articulate anything about why he was so different for the time that he was hard to live with? I'm just curious as to whether he offered you any insight into his behavior, which might help others in similar situations.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. I'm glad you find comfort in your faith. - Ann

Karen,

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your mom and your husband in such close proximity must have felt unbearable at times. I am grateful that you got to spend time with your "loving" husband in his final weeks.

Was your husband able to articulate anything about why he was so different for the time that he was hard to live with? I'm just curious as to whether he offered you any insight into his behavior, which might help others in similar situations.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. I'm glad you find comfort in your faith. - Ann

Karen, I'm so sorry to hear about both your losses, so close together. Have been out of touch for a few days as we have had fmily visiting - a mixed blessing at times!! I appreciate that you are lonely and miss the good times, especially your closeness at the end. Hug them close to you and forget about the misery of earlier times. You did all you could and now have time for yourself.....use it to the full. I know your faith will help you through it. Bless you, prayers and hugs coming your way by the bucket. xxx Shirley xxx

Karen, I'm so sorry to hear about both your losses, so close together. Have been out of touch for a few days as we have had fmily visiting - a mixed blessing at times!! I appreciate that you are lonely and miss the good times, especially your closeness at the end. Hug them close to you and forget about the misery of earlier times. You did all you could and now have time for yourself.....use it to the full. I know your faith will help you through it. Bless you, prayers and hugs coming your way by the bucket. xxx Shirley xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you are a much stronger person because of all the lessons in life that you had to go through to get to this point. Wish you well and may there only be rainbows and no rain in your future. Hugs. Millie

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you are a much stronger person because of all the lessons in life that you had to go through to get to this point. Wish you well and may there only be rainbows and no rain in your future. Hugs. Millie

I truly empathsise with you, for I was in the same situation for several years.

My husband was a kind, loving wonderful man until he had to have open heart surgery. He came out of the surgery a totally different man than the one went in.

He recovered totally from the surgery and was told that he now had the heart of a 25 year old. But where he was always upbeat and positive before, he was now depressed and negitive all the time. I could do nothing right and, like you, I felt totally alone.

I used my computer a lot to fill my time. Played games and talked to girlfriends etc. That was a big issue with him, because he felt like I should be at his side in case he wanted something.

To make a long story shory, we divorced two months ago. I was not upset, because I lost my husband on the operating table back in 1990. I morn his death because I loved him dearly, but the man I lived with for 21 years, after surgery, was a totally different person.

I wish you the best, my dear. I wish there was something I could do to help you, but only GOD can do that. I will be happy to listen if you feel you want to converse further.

Barb

I truly empathsise with you, for I was in the same situation for several years.

My husband was a kind, loving wonderful man until he had to have open heart surgery. He came out of the surgery a totally different man than the one went in.

He recovered totally from the surgery and was told that he now had the heart of a 25 year old. But where he was always upbeat and positive before, he was now depressed and negitive all the time. I could do nothing right and, like you, I felt totally alone.

I used my computer a lot to fill my time. Played games and talked to girlfriends etc. That was a big issue with him, because he felt like I should be at his side in case he wanted something.

To make a long story shory, we divorced two months ago. I was not upset, because I lost my husband on the operating table back in 1990. I morn his death because I loved him dearly, but the man I lived with for 21 years, after surgery, was a totally different person.

I wish you the best, my dear. I wish there was something I could do to help you, but only GOD can do that. I will be happy to listen if you feel you want to converse further.

Barb