I'm a care giver currently for my father
I am about to go completely crazy! I have my Dad living with me & he is getting on my very last nerve. I think he already past it. It is hard as hell to take care of a parent. He'll be 56 on Monday (11/17/08). I had to have him hospitalized Feb. 14th, 07 for SEVERE depression. Well, after his 72 hour stay he went to stay with my brother for a short time. In the process he lost his house and pretty much all his belongings. I have had him with me since Sept. '07. He was going to counseling that I helped set him up in. Now he quit. He was on meds, now he isn't. He wont apply for food stamps, has a problem with helping finacially. He doesn't seem to want to go back to work. Actually he said he couldn't go back to work. He said he can't work anymore. He said that he can't get in housing ( of any kind) that he doesn't qualify for it. That he basically welcomes death & fears living. He drinks too much for my liking. I can't stand my house smelling like alcohol & he makes it smell that way. Mike & I don't drink that often. Hell, we still have some liquer in the freezer that we haven't finished. Yes, he takes the garbage to the dumpster, & washes dishes. If he is going near our post office when he goes on his "bike rides" he "checks the mail". He may get some paper towels occassionally, lunch meat rarely, bbq sauce, peanut butter & jelly, a soda or sweet for me on occassion. But that is it!!!!!! I do the house work, laundry, Mike & I buy the food. He isn't doing anything to help his self. I am 30 yrs old almost 31. What if I had kids? I live in a 2 bedroom. My child would not live in a closet, my room, or the living room or bathroom or kitchen. He wants to go bike riding, for hours, drinking, out to eat, go to stores (walmart, Kmart, grocery stores, etc...). But, yet he can't go in them for a job. He can't ride his bike to the DEFACS office to apply for food stamps, or the housing authority to apply for housing. If I mention him being self sufficent he basiclly wigs out and starts telling me why he can't work, or get SSI, our get in housing or food stamps. His depression, and the affect of my step mother dieing on him, the way he will never be the same person he was prior to her dieing. I am one of the worst "care-takers". But this is getting to be a bit much. I mentioned to him about how he use to be, his response...I'm not the same person. I mentioned his exercising, strong will, the fact that I told Mike years ago that if "my Dad" came and lived with us he wouldn't be like Mike's mom. "My Dad" would be working on getting out and into his own palce as soon as possible because he wouldn't want to stay with me forever. All my dad could say to that was, "I'm sorry, you lied to him!" I have told or even asked Dad to do some things here like turn lights off because the bill is still too high. He said it always seems to be. I ask him to close the door when he goes to bed & turn lights off exept the one over the stove. He said something along the lines of approving what I said, and basiclly like I have permission to do that. This continues alot. I shouldn't have to ask for permission to do something in my home. I don't like that when we had other people (Mike's cousins) staying with us, he wanted to act like an a$$. He wouldn't close the door to the bathroom when he went in there, was talking crap about people in the house. I don't want to tell him to get out. I don't want it to sound like I don't care, but, he's not trying and that is what I can't stand anymore. Mike and I need some of our own space. With my fibromyalgia & Lupus the added stress doesn't help. With me trying to conceive, the stress I'm under can also contribute to infertility. I can't even walk in my own home with a night gown or night shirt & under wear. I got up one morning and had on my night shirt gown, and he mumbled under his breath but loud enough for me to hear, "Go get some clothes on & cover up!" in an extremely rude tone. If something isn't going his way he mumbles, huffs, and puffs till either we stop doing it or change, get it, or whatever else. What am I to do? How do I say something and stick with it with out sounding like I don't love him anymore? How do I get my life back? Mike and I have been together 8 yrs. and not even a year (I think) has been JUST US. My parents had "just them time before I was born. And my step mom and my dad had alone time after kicking me out like they did my brother when we weren't convienant anymore. They had from November 1996 - December 2004. My Dad had til the evening of February 14th 2006. My step mom died February 5th in a nursing home, she was admitted at the end of January. But she was in and out of the hospital from December till she died. Mike & I have for the most part had his or my parent living with us. His parents had them time prior to Mike being born. I need time for my relationship, damn it! HELP SOMEBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's all for now, I'm not a fast typer.
OMG Allie! You deserve huge hugs! This is definitely the right place to vent, girl. And it sounds like you needed that. I hope, if even in a small way, getting that all out feels a little better.
While my situation is quite different than yours, I hear ya on feeling frustration when someone you're caring for just seems to stop trying. It's not fair for them to have you go waaaaaaaaaaaay out of your way for them and get nothing back in return. Not even a shred of hope that you will.
I'm not sure if this will help, but have you thought about receiving counseling yourself? It sounds like you may need the advice of a professional in helping find tactics that work for you and your dad. While I know you want to help him and be there for him, it sounds like he's taken over your life, house and your relationship with your husband.
I have an idea, but please take into account that I do not have experience in dealing with someone who severe depression so what I'm thinking may not work. But, have you thought about sitting down with your husband and coming up with a list of house rules and boundaries? Assuming your dad isn't suffering from dementia or some other cognitive impairment that makes him unable to understand, he is living in YOUR house where there are rules.
I'm making these up, but maybe something like,
1. You must contribute, in some way, $500 a month towards this house hold. It can be in food, towards the electric bill, mortgage, whatever. But we need financial help and there are ways for you to contribute. (i.e. foodstamps, finding a part-time job, etc.)
2. You must see a doctor about your depression and follow his/her course of treatment.
3. Drinking in excess is not tolerated. We do not drink and don't feel comfortable with you doing so in our house to the point where we're smelling it or it is affecting your moods.
4. We are here to help you help yourself. When you refuse, we will refuse and that means you needing to find a new place to live.
I know these sound so harsh, so definitely consult with a doctor who is knowledgeable in depression because this may not be the right strategy. But good grief, there's got to be a way for you to regain some of your life back! I think a situation like yours is easier to take when your loved one is like 85 and has a progressive disease. You can rationalize "I'm just going to take the good with the bad and enjoy the rest of our time together." But yourdad is so young!
Alrighty, enough rambling for me. Just know you're not alone. *hugs*
Let us know how things are going for you.
Dear Allie,
It sounds like alot of your dads problems stem from drinking. That alone can contribute to depression. Your dad is the same age i am, i have lost my oldest son, believe me i didn't want to go on either. I am also a 2x cancer survivor, so i think i have had my share of tragedy also. The thing is,we have a choice,. I could either wallow & hurt my other boys & family,friends or to try to help lessen their pain too. ( i have been treated for mjr depression, fibromyalgia for yrs) YES!!! it sucks when we have to be our parents ' mommies. My mom is 78, and has taken over my whole life. I love her, but somewhere along the line we must ask ourselves "how much are we responsible for? Also your dad is young!! Your health problems & your relationship MATTER!!!! At some point in time he will meet someone,& go on. At the very least, he will think that to disrupt your life, is acceptable to you, He will be ok. You take care of you & yours, if he doesn't want to respect your needs, feelings, tell him to leave. It will hurt , but he will always be dad. Give him the dose of 'tough love" he needs! Good luck & prayers deb
Allie,
To echo Missy and MomsMa, it does seem like time to set some boundaries with your dad. I know in my experience sometimes that seems difficult to do because we are afraid of the reactions we might get, or of appearing uncaring. So ask yourself - is the way we are approaching things now actually helping my dad? Is it helping him heal, recover, grow and become a better person? If not, then maybe a different approach is worth the risk of upsetting him. Long term, also, you can only help him effectively if you are also taking care of yourself.
Sending big hugs your way!
Dear Allie,
I'm sorry to hear all the problems you're having with your father. It sounds like he's given up on life and is taking you and your husband down with him. I know how hard it is to take care of your parent as I also took care of my father but he was much older and sicker.
You need help. It's time to sit down and have a real honest talk with your brother. You make up a list of your complaints and needs and let your brother make up his. Then, the two of you need to combine the lists while agreeing, before hand, on the most important points to discuss with your father. The two of you have to confront your father together. He's acting in a completely inappropriate, selfish, childish and unloving way and it must stop. You both need to 'put your feet down' and let him know that if he continues to refuse to do anything for himself or you, he will not be welcome in either of your homes.
I would also talk with your father's doctor. He or she can be a great help in assisting you to get him to do, or not do, certain things. Enlist anyone else you can think of to start talking some sense into the man.
Your father is still considered a fairly young man in today's society. He obviously isn't physically ill, just mentally depressed and that's OK. He has legit reasons to be depressed. But, it is not OK for him to continue to take advantage of you and your husband's kindness and hospialtalty.
I know it's hard, but right now you are the one who has to take him by the hand and firmly lead him out into the world again. Plus, your brother needs to take some of this heavy burden off of you.
Besides your father's doctor, may I suggest you look up different organizations who can help you. There are Women's groups who help women, plus religious organizations who help out with caregiving issues and help out with respet for caregivers. Plus, there should be a number of non-profit groups who have programs for people like your dad as well as classes, loads of information, seminars, groups and lectures for caregivers like you.
You should also think about getting into a caregivers therapy group or, if you can afford it, one on one therapy. There is nothing more theraputic than being with a group of people who are going through similar experiences and who understand you.
More than anything else it's time for you to start taking care of yourself and as some one has already posted - setting boundries. It's time for you to draw a line in the sand and for your dad to grow up.
Sending loads of hugs and good wishes your way.
Keep your chin up!
I feel like I am a VERY similar boat. Depression, drinking (while done secretly), no life. I have had it too and it is just because he is not doing ANYTHING for himself.....nothing, nada. He sees a counselor for his drugs but that is the only reason he goes. I do not want to go to counseling for this..I just want him out. I have kids, a husband that need me. My kids ARE dependant on me and they don't have a choice...my dad does. People feel sorry for him because he is old (73) but he does not take care of himself...oxycodone, valium and beer and donuts is not a healthy diet..73 or 53. My siblings have no clue. My mother (who is divorced from him) has no clue. UGHHH!! I freaking hate the situation....I love my dad but I do not have what it takes or the desire to do this anymore. I will NOT do this to my kids..that is for SURE!!
Dear Allie and lovinlife,
No one else can know when you have had enough. However, it seems to me that caregiving in the best circumstances is stressful, but taking on a parent who is destructive and providing caregiving to them with no limits or boundaries, is bound to turn out badly. There is nothing wrong with making your marriage or your children or your job the priority. Sometimes we can't fix people, and just need to accept that we can only offer limited help: information, tools, an occasional ear to listen or shoulder to cry on. Of course accepting our own limits might mean grieving the loss of the dads we wished we had! Sending you both support and caring.
The last part of what you said is part of my personal turmoil. I hate that this conflict presents itself in a time where there could possibly be no tomorrow. The guilt of not being 'super' daughter makes me feel disgusted with myself. I am preparing myself for that potential of guilt that will come when my dad is no longer around. I hope I can deal with that when it comes in a healthy way. Both of my parents are very very needy of my time and I have nothing else to give them. I am reminding myself that they have chosen as adults to not 'live' their life. I over compensated with compassion and willingness to drop everything in the beginning and spent all my compassion...going on about 15 years for my parents and grandparents. The difference is that my mother started the need at 55 and my grandparents at 90 years of age. My father's situation is tragic because he chooses that. He doesn't need to worry about money, he has grandkids around and all the things that would take nothing for him to go fishing, take a trip. I feel manipulated. I think the best advice I am seeing is setting up boundries, guidelines, criteria. I could handle this situation if he had a life, if he took care of himself, ate healthy, grabbed for the joy that is out there and not ride on mine all the time. I am so grateful that I have a place to vent and read about others who are struggling. I would have never thought I would ever feel this way...ever. I just hope he decides to be a grown up and we can get our relationship back on track and normal.
I lived away from my parents for about 16 years moved to be closer to my parents about 5 years ago. They were married when we moved here. My mother kicked my dad out after 47 yrs of marriage and called me to 'rescue' him from the devastation he was going to feel. My dad was a man's man. He took care of everything, workaholic....not a perfect husband ..a recovering alcoholic for most of my life, suffered from depression but he did anything he could UP until my mother sent him away. I never saw the alcoholism or noticed the depression per se in my youth. My mother was all he had as a friend. So 'normal' relationship...hmmm. I was never my dad's confident before. I was just the daughter who would come visit, call every week or drive to see them if there was any health issue. But really, he was healthy healthy. I moved here to for the 'just in case' ..added support NOT to take on everything. Judithmft, what is your thought? Don't hold back with any ideas you may have. I am interested in solutions or other point of views. This dialogue on my part is completely about me and how I feel (stuck).
Have you spoken to your dad directly about how you see him not acting on his own behalf since the divorce? I guess I think that either 1) he is capable of getting back some of the "workaholic" skills to help himself; or 2) your mother was overfunctioning for him all this time and he is unlikely to develop the kind of self help and self care skills you see lacking right now. If it's #1, honest communication may help him make some different decisions. If it's #2, you may have to face the fact that he may never be willing to do better than this. If it's #2, then you may have to do some grieving about his limitations, and make some tough decisions about what help you are willing and able to offer. When someone is very self destructive sometimes it helps to remember that you should not be working harder to help them than they are to help themselves. I just wonder about the long term dynamic of your parents' relationship and how co-dependent and enabling it might have been, and whether what you are seeing now is just the unmasking of what was always there. Whatever you decide to do, I think taking good care of yourself, your children and your own life is okay. And repeatedly reminding your dad that you remember his capable, functional self and hope to see him using those skills again couldn't hurt. Ditto to your mom. Hope this is helpful. I really relate to that internal tug-of-war regarding helping a difficult parent. Just remember his needs are not the only important ones.
You are spot on as far as overcompensating. My mother did it, I have done it, my father has...a continual spiral. I did not understand the dynamics of overcompensation until I read in one of my many self-help/improvements books A Dance of Anger (fantastic message). I have pulled back the over compensation ie I make breakfast for him IF I am making some myself or dinner. My kids come first and not him. It is hurting him, he is not a mean man just broken. I think after releasing here a little I have been able to communicate more with him..on a very simple level. What do you think of American Idol ha trivial and light conversation. The HARDEST part is knowing that I don't have forever to be angry with them and time to make up. The bad day may be the last day.... I am very aware of that with my actions towards him. Not in an overcompensation fashion but careful balance of releasing on here I guess and expressing myself to him without feeling so much stored up disgust, resentment, and frustation that obviously seeps through my scowl on my face.
Judithmft, Thank you for taking time to talk to me. It has helped me incredibly to have someone listen and give feed back. You are very insightful and I appreciate your honesty and encouragement.
Dear lovinlife (your handle says it all!),
You are so welcome. Talking with you helps me clarify my feelings and reinforce my own learning about being with my quite difficult father as he faces Lewy Body Dementia, so thank you for giving me the opportunity. Your dad is lucky that you know he is hurting and broken and not mean, since he is really pushing that envelope!
I, too, love The Dance of Anger. Probably need to re-read it!
Be well.
I was sent this site from a friend as I too am caring for an elder parent (85) going on push me in front of a moving truck to release me from HELL!!!! As I read the releases and comments I was sad to hear but happy to know that NOR a push over for caring a bit more for my dad at this time than self........I left my lucrative care free travel career and moved back to my dreadful birth place after finding out my Dads nest egg ($100,000) had been stolen by family and friends. NOW I AM ENEMY number 1..... I dont understand it ........Tho I too have a home I thought it best to move in with him and we rebuild together.......Easy I thought Show HIM I care enough to give him my best 1 to 1 care as I am a travelig nurse........Thanks Dad!!! It is crazy I tell you my dad flips out on me at will and says I am the cause of it as he wants to live as if nothing happened........says I keep bringing up past and not to mention my mother was not a mom and he supported me in all endeavors through life so HE is MY MOMMY and DADDY I hold on to this to keep the faith......Allie and Lovinlife I propose as this is what I do I wait until it is a seemimgly good day for him and tell him respectfully how I feel then somedays I blow up on him and it shicks the hell out of him I am not physically or verbably abusive but I am firm and let him know I AM HERE BECAUSE OF YOU NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE......THAT gets me a few days of niceness and sorries and he dont know WHY.........I will tell you truthfully it is deeper than either of us know and sometimes REALITY is a VERY UGLY place for me my parents married because I was coming and tried to make IT last for me and it DID NOT......SAD for me I remind each of them of the other and my mother well I DONT OWE HER ANYTHING but common respect but even my friends and NEW Husband(anotehr soul suffering) say I speak & sound like my mom and act like him so I got that TRUE blend going on and it KILLS him ...........so.... I pray ALOT CRY sometimes smile ALWAYS and find solace in the fact that tho this is truly hard for me I think it is HARDER for HIM as he was ALWAYS A MANLY MAN and some in MY EYES and NOW .....I say MY Lion is going down giving HELL as he drifts to slumber..........I dont know if this will help another I HOPE SO ....as the messages did ease me ..........I PRAY FOR A LL for we have JUST begun.....there is not a book of taking care of our parents or elders for us as they did not have one when caring for us is all I am saying we can give ideas but only YOU KNOW most of what has happened prior to your dilema.....TAKE HEART ....not easy but doable...........another thing I do too is suggest and when he doesnt do I do it for him .......like the Dad not applying for Aide apply for him and have him sign if you can............Good Luck and God bless us all
I am new at this but since today was a bad day with my parents, and finally after years of hospitals, doctors visits, etc. etc., I guess it has hit me how i am feeling overwhelmed and tired. I was searching for help.....what to do and found this site??? I feel so guilty for the tough love I gave my mom today. btw they are 74 & 75. I feel I have been a wonderful and supportive daughter. I have two brothers, one who is very helpful now and the younger is not gonna help. I myself had cancer twice...now am 46. My brother, 47, just had a heart attack. So I just don't know how supportiveI can be without enabling and allowing this co dependency. I have my own family ..son 16, and college daughter 21, and of course my very supportive hubby, plus 5 pets (my therapy). I am a teacher and off in the summers...i have spent most of it including my parents on trips and attending to them, etc....my dad has many health issues...prostate cancer, parkinson's, quad. bypass, and recently hip replacement for falling (ortheostatic bp)..he walks very lttle and has or seems to have given up on life...sleeps forever, losing weight...mom has parkinsons also but not as bad, diabetic neuropathy, and recently complained of chest pains, no heart attack but after cath we were told it could be treated w/meds. She is his caregiver and I know it can be rough. Then my bro had this heart attack on memorial day, 3x stent procedures were done. So obviously they don't want to disturb him...My cancer BRCA 7 years ago..stage 3, pretty bad ,7 pos. lymph, chemo, rad...the works...then OVCA...but only stage 1...WOW!!.....it is amazing all this happened and i have survived it...but now i feel like i have no life as my parents age....just this summer alone i have spent 4 separate ocassions with mom & bro w/ hospital stuff, then this week mom's bro. had a triple bypass &aortic valve replacement, again we spent another day in the hospital. I am exhausted writing this all...HELP...am i just overwhelmed this summer or do i need to learn how to stand up for myself...i think my mom is very co dependant...at the same time I know she doesn't want to cause problems. Today when I stood up to her, angry and just tired, i felt guilty like crazy...still do...she said she was sorry...it nearly killed me.....what do i do....does anyone out there have any good reading material, suggest a book to read...i want to do the right thing....l love my parents and would never want to hurt them. thanksssssss
I just want to thank everybody for posting such honesty. It seems to me that the worse our upbringing was and the more difficult our relationship was with our parent when we were young, the harder it is to easily care for our parents in their later years - at least that is my experience. No matter how much I want to be loving, kind and patient with my mom as she ages, the resentment, anger and rage is always under the surface and I swallow it as much as I can (while aknowledging it to myself at the same time).
I have found that keeping the peace, deferring to my mother's age, taking care of my health and tending to my own life help me considerably. Although it can be difficult at times, giving your parent as much control as possible, makes your life a lot happier and easier because the more elders are in control, the healthier and more content they are.
We have to keep our boundries - doing too much breeds a lot of anger. It sounds like your father needs some kind of outlet to make him feel productive. Being someone who suffers from depression and is unemployed, I can tell you and him that anything that gets him out of the house and out of himself for awhile will help him to move forward. What are some of his interests? Being strait with your Dad while being respectful as well may help the situation. If you go at him with anger, a list of grievances, demanding money, support etc. it will be like smashing your head against a concrete wall. Depression is tough and your Dad is aware of what the situation is, he just needs some purpose to his life to make him feel like a whole man again.
You said, "And my step mom and my dad had alone time after kicking me out like they did my brother when we weren't convienant anymore. "
I know you want to be the better person, but he is an alchoholic probably and you need to kick him out! Even if you have to have the police do it. You are not a bad person. You would be more honoring to your father to not continue to enable him. You should probably call up al-anon for children of alchoholics too, they can help you with this. You leave your parents to be married, your husband deserves your time and attention. Your dad CAN work and get benefits if he is truly entitled to them. He is wrongly taking advantage of you and your husband. Don't feel bad about what you have to do. DO NOT let him make you feel guilty.
My mother-in-law. It wouldn't be so bad but I've asked her, then I told her, to not eat or drink in her bedroom, it draws ants. She swears up and down she doesn't but I know she does, there's crumbs in her bed and all over the floor and I sweep it every weekend. I bought her a pack of white washcloths as drool rags and there's food on them from when she eats and so the ants get in there too. I guess I could hang a Walmart sack on the door knob in the laundry room and have her put them in there, maybe it won't be so bad. I find drool on the table, on the floor on the vanity in the bathroom and the last straw was finding it on the lid of some food in the refrigerator, it grossed Bruce out so bad he wouldn't eat the food that was in the container, orange slices candy. I guess I'm going to have to get her some bibs so she can wipe her mouth without having to carry the rag around, which she sets on the table. If she will. Arrggh!!! Thanks for letting me vent, any ideas?
Would she be willing to wear a chain with clips on it(as one would for glasses) around her neck, with a washcloth or something attached? Not quite the indignity level of the bib, but always available?
Thanks ginnysheen. She suggested bibs herself but I don't know if she just intended to use them at the table. I would think she would want to protect her clothing, they get covered with spaghetti or coffee stains depending on what she's eating and it would free up her hands so she could carry something without having to tote along a wash rag but it would be readily available. I'll ask her and let you know.
Hi I just got a new position with a woman who is 96, in very good health, but with some dementia. She is a wonderful person but has started to develop these crazy horrible parinoid suspiosions about her family. Its heart wretching to see! She says they steal from her, watch her, don't appreciate her, you get the picture. These family members are caring, loving, and kind people. I can not convince her that she is imaging these things, that they are not real. This is a very intellegent woman, a New Yorker, who is a fabulous person otherwise. HELP
DEar Forresville Nan: It appears taht the person you are caring for trusts YOU more than her family, which is very interesting. Maybe this is a common occurence, but my aunt by marriage (who has dementia) is suspicious of certain members of her immediate family and not others. The others have provided opportunities for the "accused" ones to shine and prove to "aunt" they they are in fact, heros. It has helped with the tension in their home. I don't know if the family you are working with would possibly be able to do something like that, but just thought I should pass along a strategy that helped my cousin.
I haven't posted in a while. My mom had a TIA stroke 1/9/10, she is now in a skilled nursing center 1 minute from my house but I miss her so much it's just not the same without her, my mother in law is living with us permanently now and will be having cataract surgery next month, my husband is having shoulder surgery next month as well and will be out of work for at least 6-8 months, the night of the stroke the water pipes froze and burst in the upstairs bathroom at my mom's house where my brother was staying, Mom's money will run out in less than 6 months and I will have to put her on Medicaid, I can't keep her at home because she can't move without assistance, I feel like this is the beginning of the end.
This sickens me that a man in my age group (I will be 60 in a few days) would do this to his child. I worked all my life and at 58 started my own business. Your Dad needs to grow up and get on with his life, and you and your hubby need your own space. If you don't give him a deadline to get out, you are just enabling him to stay there. Your young, you deserve a NORMAL young person life, and Dad needs to GROW UP and quit making excuses. Don't feel quilt about asking him to move on, it's what he needs!
Hello all! Ohhhh girls I know what your'e going through. I struggle with the guilt everyday! My grandfather does SO much everyday, over the last 7 yrs. to piss me off so much, I swear I won't speak to him ever again! But, only minutes later he'll either do something so endearing that I forget what he just said or did to hurt my feelings so badly. And I too tell myself that if he died today, would I feel guilty tomorrow for having not been speaking to him at the time he died? It's a constant tug of war! Plus, the feeling like you need your time with your husband? Me too, been married 9 yrs. been here taking care of him for 7 of those 9 years! Thank God he's a patient man and he must love me.... why else? All I can say is Pick and choose your battles, cause it's not worth getting all worked up over something that they just won't change. However, where my grandfather is 97, your dad is only 2 yrs older than me! So my suggestion is to set some boundaries and some definite guidelines and tell him that if he can't abide by them that you'll have to help him find somewhere else to live where he can be provided the help that he needs. But remind him that along with that care, comes the consequences of being able to have a drink when he wants to and leave on his bike rides as he sees fit.... He'll have to decide if the trade offs are worth it? Good luck and my prayers and positive thoughts are with you...
Are there any support groups or community gatherings that I could attend? I would like to become active with caregiving ideas, suggestions, concerns, etc..
Babe your nerves are frayed. Yet one thing I canot agree with that you said it that you are one of the worst care givers. You aren't that bad. Who told you that the results you get have anything to do with your worth as a person? Granted you naturally are frustrated. It's not on you what he decides to do and you can't take responsibility for his behavior or his drinking too much or your mom dying. People sometimes just die. I'd say Ala non agroup for children of people with drinking problems is where both of you need to go. Or an open meeting for AA if there is no alanon in your area and then ask for some help. alcohol makes depression worsen. You are not going to be able to deal with him without help from them. Tell them exactly what is going on in your house and ask them to help you.
You could kick him out I bet that would get him off his duff. Give him a certain amount of time like say three months to do something like food stamps but clear this with the alanon or the AA folks first. Or just decide this and talk to your husband he has feelings to you know. You guys need to go to coffee place and decide this yourselves it is after all your house. My recommendation is to kick him out after three months if he doesn't apply for food stamps or try to get a job. He's abled bodied and healthy enough to ride a bike he's healthy enough to stand up correct? So my impression is he's playing all of you for sympathy. So that's why you need your husband to be on the same page. Your problem is you love your dad. Letting him behave like this is not helping either of you. Not because I do not think you are strong enough to throw him out and mean it. You've agreed to be a couple before God and several witnesses. You live in the same house. You say you belong together so that means you have to talk to each other for any decisions regarding your lives together.
Maybe alanon has a better idea but my solution is to simply kick him out after 3 months if he fails to go to the housing authority or the food stamp office or apply for a job. Then that means he's not trying to do anything positive for himself to get back his independence or his life. He fell into a pit but he's got the decision to stay there or climb out of it. He doesn't seem to be climbing out of it or attempting to or taking any responsibility for his life at all. Instead he's pulling you and possibly your entire relationship with your husband into it with him. That's why you are angry you have every right to be and you have every right to kick him out on the street if he doesn't do anything for himself but you and your man need to talk about it and decide together whether this is right or not. Since if I'm correct he may try to soften one of you up with a con or gifts or whatever. Stop seeing him as your father stop seeing him as a grieving widower and start seeing how he is playing with both of you like toy and holding both of you hostage with his irresponsible behavior. Your husband may be able to see this better than you can an outsider can sometimes see more because they do not have any real attachment or relationship beyond what is standard.
Believe me you aren't a bad care giver. Define bad care giver think what it is. I mean you are only 31 for crying out loud. You aren't old enough to take this you are too young. What makes me say that he's playing you is he's not taking any responsibility for himself. He isn't doing his own laundry, buying food, he isn't pulling his weight and you are doing all the work. He's a man and he oughta start behaving like one. Don't worry mum he'll find another fool to feel sorry for him and baby him there are no shortage of those on this earth. He's robbing you blind and drinking besides. Are you going to be a sucker and let him drag you down decide for yourself and then talk to your husband. Yet before you say you are going to kick him out you have to be certain that is what you want to do and be alright with it and same with your man. Let me guess your old man won't go to AA either. Honestly honey if a man doesn't want help you cannot make him take it. Before you say you are going to kick him out you have to mean it and believe it is right and you have to be resolved in that before speaking to your husband. Either way set a deadline have your husband there after you agree to do this and then tell the old boy he has three months to apply for food stamps and go by the housing authority and get welfare or start looking for work or you are kicking him out of the apartment and he can go sleep in the street and loot dumpsters for food.
I agree with setting rules and limits for the household. No one picked up on the fact she wants both to be a nice person and have that baby. She has lupus and fibromygia. Worn thin. The father is not doing laundry or cleaning up. I'm angry too over this. I was buying groceries when I was twelve walked half a mile there and back because there was not any food to make my lunch with. I was hungry and then I was also doing my mom's graduate level work and I didn't have time to go to the mall and play around. Then they dropped my grandma my dad's mom on me and I lost the job I managed to get and during college they couldn't be emotionally supportive when I was dealing with a verbally abusive professor and they blamed the problem on me until I started to wonder if they might be right then I decided I hated him after seeing the people responsible for him being there and then he humiliated this boy who was scared in front of the entire class after I told him I didn't like it he blew me off and I thought about busting the professors face but walked away finally. I went up to make certain the boy understood the professor was out of line and that I'd take care of everything. So I threatened to have the guy arrested to get rid of him because I smelled marijuana on his clothing or thought he may be using because of his behavior. Then I've gotten a number of people arrested. I do not need my parents if they aren't going to stand up for me then why should I need them?
I think they dropped grandma on me on purpose to prevent me from living my own life and making my own decisions. I tell you she has to choose whether she wants the baby or whether she wants her dad she cannot have both and in her condition she should not try. Life is a series of choices. Sometimes you have to make tough decisions. No one said it was going to be easy. As long as they hold onto the illusion that their parent will love them if only they are good enough it is impossible to live the life they want.
I'd say the limits should be he gets food stamps and public asisstance or a job.
Also he does chores like the laundry and cleans up the bathrooms, takes out the trash, vacums and cooks if it is safe for him to do that. If not make him wash the dishes. Water plants also he's to do what you tell him around the house and not give you anymore attitude.
He should not be drinking that much and climbing on a bicycle not with the way most people drive nowadays he's likely to get himself killed out there with these crazy fools on the cellphones who aren't paying attention.
Make him buy the groceries as well if he doesn't and has the ability to then he isn't trying to contribute.
Basically lose the attitude problem and clean the house up keep it that way and stop causing trouble for this family or leave.
Whether he continues to drink is his decision
What if you had a teenager who was not doing their laundry, cleaning their dishes, attending classes, doing homework or going to work and giving you a bunch of mouth. You'd say straighten up Mr. or we gonna have problems here no doubt. He's behaving like an irresponsible teenage boy. He's 50 and some change but he's behaving like an irresponsible teenage boy. Either he cooks, cleans, washes clothing and applies for aid or gets a job and buys groceries for the house in addition to cleaning up his part of the house or kick him out. Either way within three months if he doesn't decide to at least lose the attitude and apply for assistance then he isn't showing any improvement.
So that means he ain't gonna change. Say you got pregnant and had a baby would you want a man who is behaving like this anywhere near that baby? Of course not it would not be safe. Imagine you are a baby for a while when you are lying in your bed or sometime when it is safe to let your mind wander. Then think what you'd want or need as that baby. Feeling safe, warm, full of food, like someone will take care of you and prevent you from being wet for long periods and that sort of thing correct. Does your current household do that now? Is it a safe place for a helpless innocent child to live? Be honest it probably isn't at the moment. So change is necessary to keep that baby safe from being hurt until that child is big enough to do that for themselves. Can your household provide that with him behaving like this probably not and your body is telling you that you have to decide between the child and your dad. If you want this kid then you have to listen you have to be willing to stand up for that kid and yourself. My mom didn't take any responsibility for me or herself and that is why I have serious problems and need counselling.
I'd say if he doesn't lose the attitude and start cleaning up things like dishes and laundry. Vacuming, washing the floor, hauling the garbage, cleaning the toilets by the end of three months then kick him out.
Then tell him in three months if he doesn't either try to get a job or get assistance then you are going to kick him out of the house and he can raid dumpsters and live in the street for all you care.
Define what kind of home you want for your kid and decide what needs to change to make that possible. It won't be perfect it never is. Yet you have two problems one you are living with a person who has no respect for you, your home or your husband another is you aren't serious about changing your life. Imagine your baby now 12 years old same situation the kid grows up with no respect for either of you and you have to go get him from school or the court house and he is shop lifting, not doing his homework and not going to class and he's drinking too because that's what grans does? Tell me you do not want to raise an irresponsible, drunken, rebellious kid who has no respect for you, the rights of others or the law? If that's what you want then that's what will happen if you do not stand up for yourself and your home right now. If you do not decide whether my decision is right or wrong it's still my decision and I have to live with the consequences. That's what you will end up with if you do not decide what goes in your house and what isn't acceptable at all. Either tell him these are the rules of this house either obey them or make some attempt to change within three months or make arrangement to live somewhere else, Mr.
Imagine you already have a baby and make the necessary changes to keep that child safe. Do not be afraid to stand your ground. You are not ready to be a momma for anyone until you can lay down the law with everyone in your house so read your father the riot act. You do not want to raise a kid who has no respect for the law or the rights of others. You decide how that child grows up by what you will or will not allow in your house. That's what parents are supposed to do and if you cannot do that you should not have a child.
To the person who left the travel business. If they do not appreciate you then it's time to simply leave them, ignore them and do what you want to do also take your husband out with you for some together time. You know whatever appeals to you. Just go back to your job or get a new one in that area and ignore them since they do not appreciate you. It's like any job if your boss is a total jerk and you can find a different job then do so. You do not need this aggravation. Since they are polite for a few days and start ragging on you again they are playing with your head and trying to control you just like my family is and I've decided I do not want them or love them anymore as a result of them letting my grandma continually torment me for four years and so it has to stop some where. They would not let me leave go out get a job and live my own life. For a while I considered simply killing myself but decided against it. I decided I'm going to out live my abusive grandma and then get on with my life. They brought her here forced me into taking care of her but I decided I was not going to love her or them either. Hoping she would die or they'd get fed up with her behavior and put her into a nursing home yet it's been four long years of continuous emotional and psychological abuse. Four long years of waking up in the morning and knowing that god doesn't care four long years of not having anything in my life to look forward to. I don't feel like I'm living my life I feel like I'm waiting to die and if I cannot do what I want to do with my own life I'd be better off putting a gun to my head and killing myself to end this life I never wanted to live in the first place. Yet I'm going to hang on until she finally dies and if my parents won't let me live my own life and make my own decisions I'm going to put a gun to my head and say if they don't let me leave then I'm going to kill myself and then they won't have anyone to bully. Yet I don't want to do that. I'm not ready to pull the trigger and end it.
I'm just frustrated with life frustrated and trapped in a life I don't $#@ing want anymore I'm tired of being dominated by anyone I'm tired of being hurt I threatened both my grandma and my mom with physical violence and shoved my mom into the wall because I'd had enough of being pushed around by anyone but not ready to put a gun to my head and say back off stop playing with my life or I'm going to leave perminantly by putting a shell in my brain and then you'll have no daughter either. Since I'm nothing but someone to be manipulated to them. I'm not a person to them with rights and needs and wants so I might as well blow my head off to stop this. My life has no purpose, it has no meaning anymore and they just don't care so why should I care whether I live or die it doesn't matter anymore? Who cares it does not mean anything to me anymore there is no hope of freedom and Harriet Tubman says go free or die. So maybe that's the answer but it cannot be that easy they'll have to know I'm bluffing.
Once gran dies if they won't let me live my own life and make my own choice then I'll know I have one choice left and that is to simply put a gun to my head and tell them I'm going to leave them one way or the other and either suits me fine. Either way it will end now whether I put a bullet in my head or they let me make my own decisions and live my own life that is up to them. I've gotten that desperate almost the situation is that bad. They messed up every attempt to leave so that means the only option it looks like I have is to threaten to kill their only daughter. I do not know what else to do.
OMG! I am not alone!
I have been taking care of my folks for 13 months and have had one huge row with Mom and several major with Dad. I felt so guilty.
This is not easy for anyone. I feel like I have lost ME.
After 13 months, today I am seeking help. I made a doc appt for me. Am asking for a home health care provider if they have any svcs under my mom's insurance and have asked the docs charge nurse for support if I can get any help.
I have no outside help and I work full time. Thanks for listening.
As many others have stated, it is time for him to go. I know you must be worried about the depression issue and you do not want to do anything to make him worse. But, in reality, you are not helping him in your current situation. The help he needs is to see a therapist and get on appropriate meds. He needs to get a handle on his drinking, either with AA or rehab. What you can do is research both of these for him. Find out if he qualifies for any services through your county. Give him a list with all of the names and numbers and information you have gathered for him. Then...I know this will be hard for you...tell him he has to move on his own now. Do not give him any reasons. Just say, "Dad, it's time for us to seperate our living arrangement". "You need your own place and I need mine". "I am happy to help you in any way I can to find your new place". "I want you to be moved out in 6 weeks". "Thanks for understanding, Dad". He is capable of caring for himself and making decisions. Give him a deadline to get setup in his own apartment. 45 days should do it. If you give him longer, he will probably just wait till the end anyway. Honestly, I am his age and will probably have to work for another 20 years before I can afford to "retire"!!!! I would never expect or allow my daughter to care for me the way your father does. He plays on guilt and your sweet heart. It is actually a pretty rotten thing to do as a parent. Remember that when you give him the news. So, get busy. Get your phone numbers of therapists, AA, and the county housing authority. Social Services in your area will be a big help. Best of luck to you. You have such a wonderful future ahead!!!!
Call the Suicide Prevention Hotline. The number is 1-800-273-8255. You can also find the number in the very front of the phone book. It is a national number, but they will transfer you to someone in your city. They will listen and may be able to get you some help. They have access to many, many resources. They will know where to direct you. You are not alone. There are many people that need help during difficult times. Reaching out is the first step to a life of your own. You are strong, brave and resilient. I felt it in your post. You will get through this. But, you have to start by helping yourself. Make that call. It's time to begin. Many prayers are sent your way. Thanks for sharing with us. I know you have helped someone else today to not feel so alone. Take care.
I am posting again. My sister and I are the DPOA's for my mother both financial and health. My mom is being given prescription drugs by the nursing home they already have her on extra strength Tylenol for arthritis pain in her back and knees and now in addition they are giving her Tramadol. I'm very concerned about the side effects of these drugs on top of that they want to give her Remaron to stimulate her appetite. However after reading on the internet the Remaron is given to counteract the effects of Tramadol, which the physicians assistant vehemently denied that they do I am very concerned. Tramadol causes vertigo, which she already has, I believe they just want to dope her up as the Remaron is only given to her at bedtime hence the appetite stimulate is suspect. Can we/I as the DPOA refuse these drugs and can they kick her out of the nursing home if we do? How do I go about finding another physician for her she has none of her own she was in good health prior to the stroke and was on no medications. Physicians are reluctant to take people on Medicare I am told.
It's a tricky issue. If you have a doctor you could ask him about these worries if it's a good doctor. You may be able to contact the state health board and ask them what your rights are regarding nursing homes. Tell them you are worried and find out for sure if you can do anything they'd know they govern nursing homes. Also you can talk to a reporter or the media telling them your problem with the nursing home. This will open discussion other people may have the same problem and be afraid to say anything. If you give the media a chance then eyes will be looking at these people's practices and they cannot do anything overt or intimidating because it would make them look bad.
That's how to deal with people who have more power than you do ask what recourses you have and expose them publically for preventing you from having a say in how your relative is being treated. Things in your area will change once people know what is going on there and even if they do have the authority to kick her out the public humiliation and the regulatory pressure that results will cause alot of trouble for them. It's one thing I'm really good at.
Causing trouble for authoritarians so have fun playing it up and get your gran's plight known so they won't be able to ignore it. It will help you in dealing with the home it will get regulator's attention and they'll have to find a goat.
Please feel free to contact me if you feel like jumping off a bridge while caring for an Alzheimer's patient. And when you find a place or forum to vent...kindly let me know! I'm afraid I am going to drop dead from exhaustion/annoyance/etc.
Karly
bulldogkisser@aol.com
Imadoglover (and others!)- you've already found a forum to vent frustrations- right here! :) Please continue to post/vent as long as you'd like. That's what we're here for!
Here's the link to our Alzheimer's forum if you prefer to post there:
http://www.caring.com/forums/alzheimers-forum
Lisa
Dear Allie, hey im Alley 2 n i feel the same way nothing iz really goin good n my life right now n sometimes i wonder why i am still even on earth. I just need 2 talk 2 sumone
I, too am in the same boat and it feels like it's sinking. I've had my mother with severe Alzheimer's living in my house for 18 months. Each week it gets worse and worse. At least a year and a half ago, she knew my name, and that we were related somehow. She took herself to the bathroom and her big activity was going with me to the market. Now she sits at home, sleeps 21 hours a day and has no idea where the bathroom is. Because she is crazy, she pulls diapers off and lets suff fall out of it, then steps in it!!! I think I am going to scream at times. I can't even smile at her anymore. I used to be so sweet and patient...like "Would you like a sandwich and soup for lunch or a bagel with swiss cheese?" Now I just make something, hand it to her and say "Here, eat this!"
My patience level is SHOT and she is falling here and there now, which she didn't do before. She refuses to go into a wheelchair, and because she is crazy, she can't figure out how to use the walker I just bought her. I have showed her several times, but her memory ability lasts no more than 3 to 5 seconds! It's horrible. I don't even try to teach her things like not putting used diapers on the floor, for example, because she would never remember and I just get myself totally frustrated. I have lowered my expectations completely and it has helped with the frustration.
She doesn't remember my name, or hers for that matter. I bought her a nice big television but she stares at a wall instead.
After quitting my job in July of '09, I now am desperate to go back to work just to join the sane living again! I love my mother so much and I will miss her terribly when I put her in an assisted living facility, but I know that if I keep up this nonstop caregiving much longer, I will simply have to jump off a bridge...now if only I could find one in Los Angeles...haha
Chica60 Wow January was not a good month for you! It wasn't for me either, but I didn't have all the trouble you do. It was just a bad month for my dad. But after finding out he has Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus things have gotten so much better. I hope things have gotten better for you. You and your family are in my prayers. Take care and keep in touch.
I just want to say that simply reading the frustrations of other caregivers on this website has helped me immensely!!! Thank you everyone who has posted their situations and solutions for coping. I only wish I had discovered this site 18 months ago. It's a very isolating feeling to be a sole caregiver to a person who makes no sense whatsoever. It's nearly impossible to leave the house and I don't want to burden friends and family with what I am going through. My mother was a very independent woman who would never want to hear that I, her only daughter, am suffering so much on a daily basis. I stay awake at nights worrying what the next day holds. Last month I clenched my teeth so tightly at night I cracked TWO molers, top and bottom, all the way to the jawbone, and they had to be pulled. Now I await implants. Who ever knew that caregiving would be this stressful? Certainly not me. Now I feel pressure in my chest and worry about that as well. A few months ago, an associate told me that the Alzheimer's patient outlives the caregiver 90% of the time. Could that possibly be accurate? I'm 55, she is 88. Sounds impossible to believe, except with the stress I feel now, I am starting to believe it!
Thanks again to all of you who write in. It is an enormous help!!!
Karly
Karly,,, I was happy also to find this site. I have had my dad for 2 years living with me. At first he was able to get around with his walker, go out for a smoke by himself, we have a smoking porch, enclosed. Then things gradually got worse. In Aug.2008 he fell and broke his hip. He has been wheelchair bound ever since. his mind is slowly leaving him. And we just found out about his NPH and there are too mnay things wrong with his brain, the doctor does not want to treat him for fear of making some things worse. They did put him on anti depressant meds and that has helped his edgyness slot. I never thought putting him on that would help, but it sure has! I put him on the Excelon patch last fall and it has seemed to help too. he has his good days and bad days. I have 4 sisters but only ones comes to help me and the last time I had a whole night off was last Sept. Other than that , she did come help me take him to the Dr. in Jan. of this year. I have hired outside help, for 3 hours on Tuesdays. If I have no where I want to go or something that has to be done then I go out and work in my yard. My flowers are my therapy! I'd rather be outside than doing house work anyday. It sounds as if you have an enormous amount of stress. I know it can be very challenging, but you need to find time for yourself and learn some technique for calming yourself. If not your health will do your Mother no good! Keep in touch and keep us posted. You are in my thoughts and prayers'
Leslie
Leslie thanks so much for the reply!! That was so sweet of you. It helps me so much to find other people who are in the same situation. Why? I have no idea. My mother was a sweet woman, and very quiet. Now she's practically silent, or she just makes gibberish sounds. I DO feel very alone since I can only leave the house at night like a vampire, once I'm sure she's asleep. Even then, I have to race around and get my errands completed in a hurry.
I, too, love gardening. I think it's actually very therapeutic also. Helping things to grow sort of counteracts the job we do, which is watching someone fall apart. I'm glad you mentioned the gardening, since I can do that as well, even while she's sitting on the sofa staring at the wall.
I have no siblings and even though I have grown daughters, one is in law school and the other is finishing college in Boston, so they aren't really able to help out. Finally I hired a housekeeper 3 half days a week, so now I don't have to do as much cleaning...as my mother makes about 4 loads of laundry a day! Her sheets have to be changed at least twice a day...it's unbearable, really.
Well thanks again for anybody who writes in...you all have my kindest wishes and utmost respect!!!
Lots of hugs!!!!
Karly
HEY I DON'T KNOW IF THINGS ARE THE SAME BUT I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE ADVICE THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME.....SET BOUNDARIES IT IS OK AND TALK TO SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS LIKE AN ADULT FAMILY HOME OWNER OR AN ADULT CHILD IN THE SAME POSITION....
VENT!!! Great stress reliever when we get overwhelmed! I never thought I'd say this, but I started taking Yoga and it has really helped me de-stress. My mom was driving me crazy living in my home and I was always afraid to leave her alone for fear that I'd come home and find her lying on the kitchen floor with a fractured hip like I did in Sept. Mom's case worker recommended the "button" so I found a company that is approved by the departments on aging and they charge $28/mo for me to feel free to go to yoga, the grocery store, a movie, or just a walk to breathe!!!!!!! Go ahead and VENT VENT VENT.......it's nice to know you're not alone.
I haven't heard from anyone on here in awhile. So was wondering how everyone is doing. Imadoglover, how is your garden doing? I have several flowers in bloom and enjoying all of them. My grandkids and I go out each day to see what new colors of irises may have bloomed. They love to smell them.
My Dad is worse than he was a few months ago. His mind is worse than ever. he has more bad days than good days. My back went out on me last Monday and we have an occupational therapist coming here 2 times a week helping to show me and Dad how he can do more for himself. What really irks me is he will do fine for her, stand up pretty straight, lift himself in bed etc, but when I ask him to do something he won't, acts like he can't. It is very frustrating!!!
Anyway just wanted to touch base and see how everyone is getting along
My prayers are with you all,,,,,,, rellim
