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over 5 years ago
LauraL said...

Hi anonymous! This happens to be a topic right here: Are you getting the help you need from your siblings?

I'm sorry the load seems to be on your shoulders! Would it be possible for you to write out all that needs doing and have a meeting and talk out ways to share the responsibilities?

Good luck to you, and we're here for you to vent! 

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over 5 years ago

There is no talking to them,it's hard to get a word in, all they want to do is argue!

over 5 years ago
daylilly said...

I'm sorry that your siblings are not what you need them to be for you or your Mother. If you have Power of Attorney, for your Moms general care - medical and financial then there is no problem with keeping them at bay. Change the locks on the doors, sell or rent the house. Look into services (Respite Care)that will come into your home like Home Helpers or Visiting Angels for 3 hours a week to give you a break. There are GOOD nursing homes that have locks/alarms at the entry for residents that are still able and have Alzheimer's, We always have a choice, remember that thought. It's only our choices that are limited sometimes. Your siblings will not change, and you cannot change them. If you really desire to protect Mom from the siblings, reduce the stress, and spend quality time with your Mom, you can find a way. I know this may sound harsh, but you cannot give up on your own abilities and power over your life. If you do - you are of no use to your Mom like you desire to be. If you spend the Mom's money caring for Mom, that's what it's for - so what if the siblings don't inherit anything. This is what I would do - just thought I'd share my view with you.

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over 5 years ago

Why are these flagged as inappropriate?  I found them helpful.

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over 5 years ago

The "flag as inappropriate" just gives readers the chance to weigh in on the post, it's not a judgement of the post. I think it's feedback for caring.com not for us.

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over 5 years ago

Daylily is right. You can exhaust yourself trying to change other people, and it won't change them anyway. I had a meltdown recently on my siblings over their lack of assistance with caregiving for my parents.  It taught me it serves to help you ventilate but won't change anybody.  So I'm working on changing my perspective: accepting what I can't change, being realistic about what I can do, committing to doing what I am able, and finding other sources of energy and help. 

over 5 years ago
AxsmithProbate said...

 Your siblings feel guilty for not doing more, and this is how they act it out.  I see it all the time in my elder care practice.  

Write down a list of everything you do and send it to all of your siblings.  Tell them you need help with any of the following chores and it would be a constructive way to participate.  Remind them that they are teaching their children how to care for a family member by example, and that means them when they are old.  

It is important that this be in writing.  Also keep track of your time spent caring for you parent.  It is completely acceptable to be paid for your time.  I know you are not doing this for the money, but you are hindering your money-making abilities by doing your duty, and theirs as well.

Christine Axsmith, Esq.

www.Axsmith.net

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over 5 years ago

I went had the same problem with my 6 siblings and they will not change and you need all your energy to care for your mom not worry about them.  I accepted the fact that I could not change them or their hearts, and let it go, turned all my focus on my mom and finding helpful resources to cope, like this one.  Just remember that your mom is the most important person and you are doing the best that you can. 

 

over 5 years ago
littlebit10 said...

I worked with a young man who took on his father with altimzers , and his whole familey wanted to walk away from all the work and his father greaved each day but we made the best of the anger and talk , I wasnt his familey but Mr.Troy loved me as a part of it then in the end i felt he helped me as much as i did him keeping temper down is hard, now that my mom has the same problem but me and my sister are using our heads and talking more than ever , mothet tries to plays us but we keep one step ahead but never easy even with my past with other altemixers pacticents each one is like your sibblings they need a day with the resondibilties you know it would be eaiser if they did it so take a day for you and leave your phone on off even if it to go to the park or church you need time for you to , iv been ther too so love yourself and have the know it all take a day or more to help and observe real life with mom. God bless you and keep the faith.

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about 5 years ago

I  am  sorry to know people are facing problems with medically ill family members.

I like many of  other am experiencing hard time coping with my mom having alzheimer's.

I am the youngest of my mom 6 children they have not been there for me and mother.

I am mother's caregiver and I had to place her in a Nursing Home I live in a Big city apartment

 was it hard to bring mother here and see her condition had gotten worse. My mother live in the

south before coming to live with me she love it there . Mother becoming ill  still breaks my heart

but having sibblings dealing with her illness as if it's no big deal has cause me to change

how I talk and feel about them. Mother is the eldest of all 11 sibblings  familiy use to me everything to her and use all of her children felt the same but now I realize I don't know them. 

almost 5 years ago
Orien2 said...

Well you could threaten them with death or bodily harm:) Or use mace or pepper spray or you could get a restraining order also warrantless recording devices without the main person's knowledge or consent is usually illegal and also what they are doing is harrassment and you could sue them and probably get some money but lawsuits take a long time to win and cost alot of money. Your best bet is contacting the authorities and telling them what is going on in your mum's house and they can be charged with elder abuse that can get them arrested or at least jailed for a while or harrassment which is also illegal and unautherized recording devices without a warrantis a big no no. Also talk to a reporter as well people do not want a reputation as an elder abuser or a liar publically. It's more damaging than suing and less expensive have fun. I'd say your best bet is talk to your sherrif or anyone who can send burly young men who will warn them to stop and tell them what they can be charged with if they do not comply and stop harrassing you and mum.

over 4 years ago
carolcook said...

I have taken care of my mother for two years with no help from any siblings other than one sister. Before Christmas I asked my sister to help me with my mom for a while while I went to work back in the office. She was given land from my mother for the intention of taking care of her when she got old. When she had to have three toes cut off two years ago I took my mother and my sister did nothing, not even take her to the doc visits.

So, I had an attorney come in and talk with my mother about a living will, power of attorney, and a Living Trust/Will. Because my sister had already gotten two pieces of land, and took 650 feet of road frontage out of 1,000 my mother was informed that it was worth over 500,000, so she gave my other siblings the rest of her land, 53 acres to be divided between us.

My sister took my mom January 2nd and within two days had my mother turned against me telling me that I spent too much money on food and that she could be fed on 50 a week. Well, she is a diabetic and I cooked for her nearly seven days a week and my sister does not cook.

Last year my mother's doctor told me she thought my mother was showing signs of dementia because of her paranoid, anger issues, conspiracy theories against drug companies, government, etc.

Within a week my sister had taken my mother to have her POA revoked against me and now is trying to keep me from my mother. She made it look like I was spending too much money on food and that I had to be giving the food away or something; I really don't know.

My question is; is my sister allowed to have a poa changed if she has been diagnosed with dementia!?

Thank you.

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over 4 years ago

You need to seek help from an attorney who is certified Elder Law attorney. It sounds like your sister has coerced your mother and much more to come. It can be disputed in court.

over 4 years ago
newzev said...

TO YOU NON CARE GIVING SIBLINGS:

i AM NOT A PARTICULAR REGILIOUS PERSON BUT GOD HAD A REASON TO MAKE THE COMMANDMENT TO HONOR YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER THE MOST IMPORTANT COMMANDMENT OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS BETWEEN HUMAN BEINGS.

I AM NOT A MINISTER BUT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO AMIBIGUITY HERE. YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN YOUR MOM'S CARE. YOU SHOULD BE FREQUENTLY VISITING YOUR PARENTS TO GIVE THEM COMFORT AND SUPPORT.

YOU SHOULD BE SO DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN YOUR PARENTS CARE THAT YOU COULD TAKE OVER IN A HEART BEAT.

YOU NEED TO PROVIDE ASSISTANCE AND HELP TO YOUR CARE GIVING SIBLINGS. STOP MAKING EXCUSES, MAKE YOUR MOM AND DAD YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY AND THEN IT WILL BE DONE.

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR WAYS, DEVOTE YOUR TIME AND ENERGY TO HELPING YOUR PARENTS AND YOUR SIBLINGS WHO DO CARE FOR YOUR PARENTS, YOUR WELL DESERVED GUILT WILL FADE AWAY YOU WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER AND AT PEACE WITH YOURSELF.

IT IS VERY SIMPLE.

IF YOUR ONLY THOUGHT IS WHAT MONEY YOU WILL RECEIVE THAN YOU HAVE BECOME A PARASITE. WAKE UP, GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND MAKE YOUR OWN WAY IN LIFE. YOUR PARENTS RAISED YOU AND NOW ARE TOO WEAK TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.

WHEN YOU GROW UP AND TAKE ON THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MOM AND DAD YOU GROW UP AND BECOME AND MORE MATURE THOUGHTFUL AND HAPPIER PERSON.

over 4 years ago
wendy gibson said...

I am in quite the opposite boat.My siblings are keeping me from helping my mom.I am the black sheep daughter .I am seven years recovering from drugs and alcohol and my mom had a massive stroke last month.I have been told that I am not needed and they will keep me "posted" about my mom's condition.Middle arterial stroke,might not even get to see my mom again for fear of pissing off the family.I have been clean going on seven years and have turned my life completely around but the family showed their true colors when my mom had her stroke.I do know her and I made amends before this happened and this is not about me.I just wish my brothers and my dad would realize how much I actually could help and that there are things about my mom that only I know.Like,maybe a spray of her favorite perfume might be appreciated,or the feel of her soft blanket that her own mother knitted her may light up her eyes.I am so sad. I am also the only kid able to fully devote years to helping my mom,but that is something the family will not allow.

over 4 years ago

yep!!

over 4 years ago
AxsmithProbate said...

Your mother is not competent at this stage, so the changed documents are not valid. Fill out a petition for guardianship at the local courthouse. Ask that an Examiner be appointed, who is an independent party who will evaluate your mother's competency. If it is found she is not competent, then the new POA, living will, etc will not be valid. It's not as imposing as it sounds. Call the local AARP Legal Counsel for the Elderly and ask questions about the local jurisdiction.

Christine Axsmith, Esq.

almost 3 years ago
P a said...

have two older bothers one over 1400 miles away . I am baby girl have take care of my mom sence dad past away in 2002 my oldest brother come down and took power of attorney away for her then I started watching the count and they took money out of her account I had to take back to the lawyer and have put back in her hands because at that time she was at her self now dementia has set in I takeher to all medical app I had all bill take straight from bank I go get her food & med , my self& my hubby does all repair to house and cuts the grass tak es care her my oldest brother says put in a home I told over my dead body my middle brother he bi polar a nd does nothing but he moves his girlfriend family on mom land and he won't take the trash out mom liked to fell out in the yard take ing the trash to the road I was go to store to get her food her new dementia med's I also take my three grandchildern five day a week plus my wifely duties I feel like I going crazy an advice I try any thing for a peace of mind

over 2 years ago
MaryAnnDodge said...

Glad your mom got her power of attorney back but someone needs to be made POA. If she has dementia/alzheimer's there will come a day when she will not be able to handle her finances. OMG. Please get this straigtened out soon.

As for all the other posts. I guess there are alot of us in the sibling boat. 5 years ago I went to visit my family because mom had a hernia and said it was hurting. Of course, like always, I told my mom when I would be there.
Mom had already had involvement with police due to delusions and somethings my sister did were uncalled for in taking care of my mom from a distance. Mom would usually tell sister and her family that I was coming to so ca for a visit. guess mom didn't do that this time but i didn't know it until the problem arose. I arrived. Mom's house was a wreck; finances were a mess, collections letter, cancelled homeowners insurance; papers everywhere. Not one bit of food in the house, Like always, mom and i go out all day after a nights sleep. One place she wanted to go to was the bank. She always pulled out money for a visit for mochas, lunches food for dinner etc etc so this was normal. she also wanted to close her account because it was too far; the branch she used closed. I think with the onset of Alzheimer's she was having difficulty driving there. We were not able to do any such transaction because my moms retirement and SS check were automatically deposited there. while we were there BIL walks in, sees us, and there was a glare and things felt wierd. Mom and i finished out day and as always i called my sister. Wow. She started yelling and screaming that i snuck into so ca to steal moms money. she wouln't let me get a word in edgewise about moms hernia; mom looked 6 mo pg. So i said the heck with it i will take mom to sf with me to get hernia evaluated. Many things transpired and it was a mess. My sister hasn't spoken to me in 5 years. At first she would sporadically send a card ot pckg to mom. This year in February and on Mother's Day she didn't even acknowlege my mother. She has never visited her mom but goes traveling with her husband. Her children are grown and have never visited. Knowing my mom was a sick sick lady, in my sisters words, she allowed my mom to sign checks to buy new cards for the two grandkits totaling over 32k that was half of my mother's saving. I have been so angry. Now i'm sure sister is going to accuse me of taking mom away from her even tho i tried to do quite the opposite.

hearing some of these sibling stories sort of helps because my sister would meddle and want control of the money and spend it like she was owed it ---

God Bless all of us who have sibling issues, it is very very sad!

over 2 years ago
Jewelya said...

I hope reading these messages does for you what it did for me. It made me consider things from the other perspective. It made me realize how I might appear to my sister and how she may have some valid feelings.

I believe we all care for our parents and we all want what's best for them. Getting there is the hard part. I try to remember that this is our family for better or worse, no one is perfect and dysfunctional families must still attempt to function. I try to remember that after my dad has gone, all I will have is my sister, for better or worse, left in my immediate family. What then? Also remember if you involve lawyers, they are the ones who will gain in the end.

over 2 years ago
MaryAnnDodge said...

It would be ideal if siblings or any people within a relationship, would talk. My sister would not talk so nothing could be fixed. It was sad.

over 2 years ago
newzev said...

The only ideal thing is if the non-care giving siblings would see the way they neglect their needy parents and care giving siblings who take care of their needy parents, then rise up and do the right thing. Then and only then will the siblings start to feel like true brothers and sisters. Believe me I understand why the care giving siblings try to understand and forgive their non-care giving siblings. It takes every ounce of energy to take care of a demented parent. If you get angry at the non-care giving siblings it takes up a lot of energy that you need to utilize to take care of your parent. If you forgive them then the responsibility gets easier. Well, not really! You still have all the responsibility and no help for mom or dad, from their other children. You care giving children are angels and there will be rewards for you....most importantly, peace of mind for doing the right thing.. You non care giving children will continue to be self-absorbed spineless people, that do not for a second deserve the kindness or love from the care givers siblings. You care givers who not only take care of mom or dad but try to understand and be compassionate to your non care giving siblings, shows you have a really big heart, and makes you an exceptional thoughtful and considerate human being. Honestly there should be more people like you in the world. But for us mortal care givers who feel angry at our non-care giving siblings, don't judge yourself harshly for feeling angry. Better to be angry against them then to turn the anger against yourself and be depressed.

The reality is that It does not matter if you are angry or loving towards them as no matter what you do they will not help. Yes I understand the need to feel like a family. but you cannot feel like a family until people act like a family.

You ever notice how abusive wives keep forgiving their abusive husbands hoping they will change. They won't, and neither will your non-caring siblings. The only thing that helps abusive wives is end their unhealthy relationship with their husbands and move on with their lives. Similarly, you care givers will feel a lot better trying to find other loving friends who become surrogate family then to waste you time trying to understand and get closer with your non-care giving siblings.
Taking care of a demented parent without any assistance from your siblings should be a big wake up call. It means your other siblings were never much of a family to begin with.

God bless our parents and the children that take care of them.

over 2 years ago
MaryAnnDodge said...

Nicely said. the uninvolved siblings will never change..they are who they are. If you have a story where a sibling changed and shared the caregiving responsibilities please let me know.

Five years ago when mom came to stay with me my sister called, sent photos and cards but missed the first Christmas and it got worse over time. This year sister did nothing for mom's birthday or mother's day let alone caregiving.

it took be awhile to figure out that my sister was not going to get involved....i never imagined she was this type of person but she really changed her behavior when she married her jerk husband. I know birds of a feather do flock together. So her husband didn't change her but the two heads worked better than one..they belong together.

Both of them yelled at my elderly father (who is now deceased) and my mother; they made fun of them both for their shortcomings; laughing because mom couldn't hear etc.

I am glad I am done with them/that. I will notify them when mom dies if they haven't moved to mexico without giving me contact information, but i am having my own ceremony for mom. Haven't decided yet but i think I will have a priest come to the gravesite and do something; my siter can figure out what she wants to do but I do not want to look at her during this very difficult time.

over 2 years ago
newzev said...

Bravo! Give yourself a big hug for taking care of your dear mom. It does not matter much what respect is paid to your mother when she the time comes. What matters is the love and devotion you give to your mother while she is alive. My mother was in a great deal of anguish the last few months of her life. She had a blissful beatific look on her face when she passed away eight months ago. I miss her more than any words can express. I placed photos of my mom and dad up of her throughout the house so that I can talk with them and keep their memories alive. When the time comes your mom will no longer suffer and you will be at peace with yourself for being a wonderful devoted loving daughter.

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