that was for Katsmom...

that was for Katsmom...

I go through this periodically, Hardest is to realize that isn't the person I knew and to walk away. Caring.com had some good ideas of how to handle this difficult situation and things are better. Above all do not try an argue with them or change the direction.

I go through this periodically, Hardest is to realize that isn't the person I knew and to walk away. Caring.com had some good ideas of how to handle this difficult situation and things are better. Above all do not try an argue with them or change the direction.

Hello All, (especially Newshound)

There DOES seem to come a very clear moment when we know our demented one will be better off in every way in either residential care or a nursing home...

The irony of it is that many people judge the making of this choice as a sign of "personal failure" - as though the loved one or caregiver who has chosen this option has somehow "stopped caring."

My question is why our families, peers and society in general would want to make us feel GUILTY for having made the best (and sometimes only) choice available TO make ~ in a clearly IMPOSSIBLE situation?

Why is it that some (and ONLY SOME) people are expected to sacrifice both their own lives and the lives of those in their immediate family on some altar of extended family "duty," whereas others - are not?

Thoughtfully,

Galowa

©suzannemcable.08.30.2011

Hello All, (especially Newshound)

There DOES seem to come a very clear moment when we know our demented one will be better off in every way in either residential care or a nursing home...

The irony of it is that many people judge the making of this choice as a sign of "personal failure" - as though the loved one or caregiver who has chosen this option has somehow "stopped caring."

My question is why our families, peers and society in general would want to make us feel GUILTY for having made the best (and sometimes only) choice available TO make ~ in a clearly IMPOSSIBLE situation?

Why is it that some (and ONLY SOME) people are expected to sacrifice both their own lives and the lives of those in their immediate family on some altar of extended family "duty," whereas others - are not?

Thoughtfully,

Galowa

©suzannemcable.08.30.2011

When the time comes for the painful decision to place a loved one in a care facility, n one should be guilty. At some point when the attempts to keep a dementia patient at home is exhausted or the family or spouse can no longer handle the care, then AFH or ALF may be the only way. Be at peace.

When the time comes for the painful decision to place a loved one in a care facility, n one should be guilty. At some point when the attempts to keep a dementia patient at home is exhausted or the family or spouse can no longer handle the care, then AFH or ALF may be the only way. Be at peace.

PatAllAlone

MY BACKGROUND: Which you have to know in order to understand today.

I see a lot of these posts are from 2 years ago, can soooo relate to most of them and hoping some of you are still out there to respond to me also, so I don't feel so alone in all of this I am dealing with with BOTH parents now, especially since 12/2010.

My parents are still with me, thank goodness, in their mid-80s. They, my brother & I have been a close knit family always, my parents middle class, but we kids lacked for nothing & they were both involved with our lives & activities. I feel I had the 'ideal' childhood. Only, not regrets, but wish it had not been so ... was my Dad's very strict military-style way of discipline. There were no discussions of what I might have done or said, but the belt or hairbrush. I can remember crying into my pillow many, many times because he did not want to hear it. I guess today that would be labeled 'abuse', but back then it was a way of life. I had a strict curfew & consequences if I was even a minute late. Dad was not as hard on my brother, but I was very much an extrovert like my Dad, while Ken was an introvert like my Mom, so I guess that is why. To this day, they still say I was a 'precocious, but very good' child .. whatever that all means!! LOL

I don't know much about my Dad's childhood, born in Brooklyn (where his Mom was from, a very rich English family), came to GA (where his Dad was from, middle class Irish) when he was 5 & considers himself a Southern (sounds like one also...lol). He quit high school, lied about his age (only 16), joined the Navy to get away from his overbearing, mean snake Mom, served in WWII Mediterranean area, came home on leave, went to his hs to see his classmates before they graduated, my Mom was librarian there (she finished hs & college at very early age .. she is only 1 yr older than Dad) & he was introduced to her, asked for her phone no. (he could do this as he was no longer a student there), went home & told his mom he had just met his future wife (which I feel now she was not happy & felt deserted again, so why she gave my Mom such a hard time all of her life), but my Mom had scrambled the nos, he figured them out...the rest is history.

My Dad has 2 younger sisters, is like an Irish twin to his middle sister since they are only 10 mos apart, but they both disowned their youngest sister around 20 yrs ago over the stupidest things. Unbeknownst to them (or Dad would have long ago disowned me also) this disowned aunt has clld me over the yrs, I have heard her side & really mostly agree with her & keep her up on the family news.

I am closer to his middle sister as she not only lived most of my childhood just 6 blocks from us, she & my Mom did a lot together w/us 4 kids every summer break & I was very close to her oldest dgtr (who is only 22 hrs older than me). We have remained very close ... until this year ... will explain later. She is much closer to Dad, as they grew up, than he is to her .. in fact, she divorced young, remarried, but now a widow for a long time .. depends on Dad some, not a lot, but he has gotten quite irritated with her many times about this .. his Mom depended on him after his Dad divorced her, now his sister depending on him, when he has never depended on anyone, or had anyone to depend on ... had done all himself with my Mom.

My Mom, on the other hand, had wonderful parents & a great childhood, born & raised in a rural setting, her Dad had the largest dairy farm in central GA for years, had heart attack, had to sell his cows, then turned the manure rich land into planting pine trees for paper pulp mills & made a 2nd fortune until he died suddenly of heart attack at only age 67. The oldest also in her family, Mom had 1 sister & 2 brothers, 1 brother died 8 yrs ago, my Granny died at age 99 just 6 yrs ago, but the remaining 3 are STILL very close knit & take care of each other ..sort of.. until this year .. you will see why later.

So my Mom's family literally became my Dad's family, since he has had not much of a Father figure (my GDD was a pipe fitter on secret govt missile sites all his career, so was not home much at all...gone months at a time ... my GDM had all the money she needed but griped so much over the yrs., threatening to leave him, etc...he got tired of it & divorced her!! She became a mean, vicious woman, taking most of her frustrations out on my Dad whom she felt should now support her ... & he has over the yrs when the money was really needed, but not all the time...thus, very strained relationship. So he just loved & adopted my Mom's family as the one he never had...literally. I thought all got along with him also, but again ... this year ... things I never knew, are coming out to me now from over the years.

Since my brother lived his whole life in our hometown, I guess I changed the whole family close knit scene by marrying into the military at age 20, living w/my family while he was in Viet Nam, then had to abruptly move from their home for the first time to move to Omaha, NE (where my EX is from when he got an 'early out' of VN & from the Army to go back to get his college degree there). In less than 10 days' notice, I was packed & gone.... for 23 years!!! I was so excited to be with now EX again, really starting our new life tog. finally & moving out of the only town & state I had known to unknown adventures far away ... I did not really, at that age, have a clue how my parents felt about all of this. I started my career & family, so was only able to come home 1-2x year & my parents came out West a half dozen times. My son & daughter were their only grandchildren for 15 years, as my brother, married the same girl twice & never had any kids, then married again to a woman with a little son already (he never adopted, thank goodness...more later) & they had a daughter who is now in her mid-20s. So he was always in my parents' life, in the same town, though there were weeks & months they did not see or talk to each other .. he was still there if they ever needed him.

Then in 1996, I had been divorced for almost 5 yrs, my kids were safely off to college & starting their lives and I decided it was time to come home to GA to be with my aging GMMs before they passed (at ages 95 & 99), & here when my parents would now need me as they aged.

On to next post please....if Galowa, or anyone else, is out there ... I certainly hope so!!!

Pat All Alone

PatAllAlone

MY BACKGROUND: Which you have to know in order to understand today.

I see a lot of these posts are from 2 years ago, can soooo relate to most of them and hoping some of you are still out there to respond to me also, so I don't feel so alone in all of this I am dealing with with BOTH parents now, especially since 12/2010.

My parents are still with me, thank goodness, in their mid-80s. They, my brother & I have been a close knit family always, my parents middle class, but we kids lacked for nothing & they were both involved with our lives & activities. I feel I had the 'ideal' childhood. Only, not regrets, but wish it had not been so ... was my Dad's very strict military-style way of discipline. There were no discussions of what I might have done or said, but the belt or hairbrush. I can remember crying into my pillow many, many times because he did not want to hear it. I guess today that would be labeled 'abuse', but back then it was a way of life. I had a strict curfew & consequences if I was even a minute late. Dad was not as hard on my brother, but I was very much an extrovert like my Dad, while Ken was an introvert like my Mom, so I guess that is why. To this day, they still say I was a 'precocious, but very good' child .. whatever that all means!! LOL

I don't know much about my Dad's childhood, born in Brooklyn (where his Mom was from, a very rich English family), came to GA (where his Dad was from, middle class Irish) when he was 5 & considers himself a Southern (sounds like one also...lol). He quit high school, lied about his age (only 16), joined the Navy to get away from his overbearing, mean snake Mom, served in WWII Mediterranean area, came home on leave, went to his hs to see his classmates before they graduated, my Mom was librarian there (she finished hs & college at very early age .. she is only 1 yr older than Dad) & he was introduced to her, asked for her phone no. (he could do this as he was no longer a student there), went home & told his mom he had just met his future wife (which I feel now she was not happy & felt deserted again, so why she gave my Mom such a hard time all of her life), but my Mom had scrambled the nos, he figured them out...the rest is history.

My Dad has 2 younger sisters, is like an Irish twin to his middle sister since they are only 10 mos apart, but they both disowned their youngest sister around 20 yrs ago over the stupidest things. Unbeknownst to them (or Dad would have long ago disowned me also) this disowned aunt has clld me over the yrs, I have heard her side & really mostly agree with her & keep her up on the family news.

I am closer to his middle sister as she not only lived most of my childhood just 6 blocks from us, she & my Mom did a lot together w/us 4 kids every summer break & I was very close to her oldest dgtr (who is only 22 hrs older than me). We have remained very close ... until this year ... will explain later. She is much closer to Dad, as they grew up, than he is to her .. in fact, she divorced young, remarried, but now a widow for a long time .. depends on Dad some, not a lot, but he has gotten quite irritated with her many times about this .. his Mom depended on him after his Dad divorced her, now his sister depending on him, when he has never depended on anyone, or had anyone to depend on ... had done all himself with my Mom.

My Mom, on the other hand, had wonderful parents & a great childhood, born & raised in a rural setting, her Dad had the largest dairy farm in central GA for years, had heart attack, had to sell his cows, then turned the manure rich land into planting pine trees for paper pulp mills & made a 2nd fortune until he died suddenly of heart attack at only age 67. The oldest also in her family, Mom had 1 sister & 2 brothers, 1 brother died 8 yrs ago, my Granny died at age 99 just 6 yrs ago, but the remaining 3 are STILL very close knit & take care of each other ..sort of.. until this year .. you will see why later.

So my Mom's family literally became my Dad's family, since he has had not much of a Father figure (my GDD was a pipe fitter on secret govt missile sites all his career, so was not home much at all...gone months at a time ... my GDM had all the money she needed but griped so much over the yrs., threatening to leave him, etc...he got tired of it & divorced her!! She became a mean, vicious woman, taking most of her frustrations out on my Dad whom she felt should now support her ... & he has over the yrs when the money was really needed, but not all the time...thus, very strained relationship. So he just loved & adopted my Mom's family as the one he never had...literally. I thought all got along with him also, but again ... this year ... things I never knew, are coming out to me now from over the years.

Since my brother lived his whole life in our hometown, I guess I changed the whole family close knit scene by marrying into the military at age 20, living w/my family while he was in Viet Nam, then had to abruptly move from their home for the first time to move to Omaha, NE (where my EX is from when he got an 'early out' of VN & from the Army to go back to get his college degree there). In less than 10 days' notice, I was packed & gone.... for 23 years!!! I was so excited to be with now EX again, really starting our new life tog. finally & moving out of the only town & state I had known to unknown adventures far away ... I did not really, at that age, have a clue how my parents felt about all of this. I started my career & family, so was only able to come home 1-2x year & my parents came out West a half dozen times. My son & daughter were their only grandchildren for 15 years, as my brother, married the same girl twice & never had any kids, then married again to a woman with a little son already (he never adopted, thank goodness...more later) & they had a daughter who is now in her mid-20s. So he was always in my parents' life, in the same town, though there were weeks & months they did not see or talk to each other .. he was still there if they ever needed him.

Then in 1996, I had been divorced for almost 5 yrs, my kids were safely off to college & starting their lives and I decided it was time to come home to GA to be with my aging GMMs before they passed (at ages 95 & 99), & here when my parents would now need me as they aged.

On to next post please....if Galowa, or anyone else, is out there ... I certainly hope so!!!

Pat All Alone

Dear Pat All Alone,

Hi!

Whatever your question or issue turns out to be, one thing is certain.

Now that you are here you are definitely no longer "All Alone..."

LOTS of folks out here - so just be patient and allow everyone a chance to respond. (Sometimes it can take a while to emerge from the comatose state caused by Caregiver Burnout...)

WELCOME!

As Always

Galowa

;- )

©suzannemcable.09.21.2011

Dear Pat All Alone,

Hi!

Whatever your question or issue turns out to be, one thing is certain.

Now that you are here you are definitely no longer "All Alone..."

LOTS of folks out here - so just be patient and allow everyone a chance to respond. (Sometimes it can take a while to emerge from the comatose state caused by Caregiver Burnout...)

WELCOME!

As Always

Galowa

;- )

©suzannemcable.09.21.2011

Pat All Alone (Part 2)

So now I am finally home, my new fiance had to stay in Omaha to help his Dad one more year with their concrete business before his Dad retired, then he moved to GA also.

I lived with my parents, then with my brother & his family the first 1.5 yrs & worked in my hometown, waiting for my house to sell back in Omaha (took 28 months to sell bec. of lazy real estate people I could not control 1000 miles away). My fiance packed my house, then moveed down, all our stuff went into storage & we lived in my parents old house (where I grew up) they had just moved from to another bigger house. This is when things started sliding downhill between my Dad & me .. a little bit at a time.

Now I was divorced with 2 children, engaged again to another consenting adult, but my Dad told us as long as we were under 'his roof' (their old hose, my fiance had to sleep in a sleeping bag in my brother's old bedroom, while I stayed in my old bedroom they had left fully furnished). We did not, of course, but we played his game .. until .. I found out (he slipped this to my brother who told me) he came over just about everyday looking for any evidence, like our sleeping together, or anything, to hound us about. This made me so mad (I was 48 yrs old at that time ... please!!), my fiance & I knew we had to get away from that house, so I went to Atlanta job hunting & lived with my aunt & uncle, while he moved in with my brother & his family... to get out from under my 'Dad's thumb'.

My house finally sold, I got a great job with a major airline, I found & bought a house in south Atlanta, only an hour from my hometown. Life was great for several years...except....Dad hounding us to get married and 'not live in sin'. I had had a tumultuous 1st marriage with an 'ex Viet Name vet' (need I say more), became a single & happy Mom for what was to be 14 yrs, & not in a hurry to marry again (also still getting alimony). My fiance/our friends/my children/our pastor/everyone in the family understood & accepted this...except Dad. He would come up & visit us with Mom, but he would not stay over night (he never said, but implied, we lived in a house of sin, so he would not sleep there). Finally Mom talked him into coming up in their camper (though we had 2 other bedrooms) & they would stay in the driveway!!

I talked to Mom about this & her explanation each time was 'U were 21 when you finally left home, & though you were gone 23 yrs, when you came back, U are still Daddy's little girl & he sees U as still 21 & still 'responsible' for you'. She tried her best to convince him, but he would not budge from this 'thinking'. But otherwise, things were great between Dad & me for many years .. until...strangely .. I got married after a 9-year long engagement. As I look back at 2004 now, I see now what I did not see then ... I was AGAIN no longer Daddy's little girl .. and he had no control over me at all .. something I know now he did not feel good about..a Dad wanting to still be 'in control', though he never felt this way about my brother at all!!

It started when my Mom's Mom passed away in 02/2004, a few months later my Mom came down with Meniere's Disease (extreme & uncontrollable dizziness & Vertigo, doctors know very little about to help) & my parents' roles reversed .. Dad became the care giver, something he had NO clue, or patience, to do. The beginnings of his frustrations started coming out on me, specifically on Mother's Day 2004. Met them at a restaurant to eat & Dad started talking about me to my Mom, in front of me as if I was not there, criticizing me from head to toe, inside & outside. I had a new short, spiked hairdo (did she put her finger in a socket?), what is that bug in her ear (new cellular Jawbone my kids had just sent to me), isn't that dress too short (I had just lost 15 lbs & felt younger, so acceptably short clothes..after all I am age 55 by now & a professional job ... please), then after ordering told the poor waitress (who got sooo embarrassed) that I would now go out & smoke a few cancer sticks, so no hurry for the dinner!!! Dad had a mild stroke, an angioplasty done, quit smoking 10 yrs before ... horrid ex-smoker attitude now...Mom of course, always took up for him ... "he feels badly he passed the smoking gene on to you, so bear with him" ... please.

Then in 2006 Mom started calling to tell me Dad was being verbally mean to her for no reason & she had had enough. My parents both worked all their lives, had what I felt was a solid, good 50/50 marriage, with only Mom being the one who could put my Dad into place when he got out of hand sometimes, so this shocked me!! When this went on for months, I called their Dr. (who had been my Dr. long ago also) & asked what to do. He said I would have to bring them in, but I knew Dad would not go or admit anything was going on, so I tricked my Mom into going (she is a very private person & almost disowned me that day...the angriest I have EVER seen her), but Dr. got out of her what had been happening & he put them BOTH on antidepressants...they told Dad it was another heart med. These meds did the trick & things got back to normal (Mom later thanked me over & over for taking care of them). And this led to years of only small flair ups to me... I could not say or do anything right, and tho' just like him personality wise, if I was outspoken or tried to help him/them in a situation, I was 'too bossy' or 'meddling'. But I just got used to it & turned the other check ... until this last Dec. 2010.

Pls continue to Part 3

Pat All Alone (Part 2)

So now I am finally home, my new fiance had to stay in Omaha to help his Dad one more year with their concrete business before his Dad retired, then he moved to GA also.

I lived with my parents, then with my brother & his family the first 1.5 yrs & worked in my hometown, waiting for my house to sell back in Omaha (took 28 months to sell bec. of lazy real estate people I could not control 1000 miles away). My fiance packed my house, then moveed down, all our stuff went into storage & we lived in my parents old house (where I grew up) they had just moved from to another bigger house. This is when things started sliding downhill between my Dad & me .. a little bit at a time.

Now I was divorced with 2 children, engaged again to another consenting adult, but my Dad told us as long as we were under 'his roof' (their old hose, my fiance had to sleep in a sleeping bag in my brother's old bedroom, while I stayed in my old bedroom they had left fully furnished). We did not, of course, but we played his game .. until .. I found out (he slipped this to my brother who told me) he came over just about everyday looking for any evidence, like our sleeping together, or anything, to hound us about. This made me so mad (I was 48 yrs old at that time ... please!!), my fiance & I knew we had to get away from that house, so I went to Atlanta job hunting & lived with my aunt & uncle, while he moved in with my brother & his family... to get out from under my 'Dad's thumb'.

My house finally sold, I got a great job with a major airline, I found & bought a house in south Atlanta, only an hour from my hometown. Life was great for several years...except....Dad hounding us to get married and 'not live in sin'. I had had a tumultuous 1st marriage with an 'ex Viet Name vet' (need I say more), became a single & happy Mom for what was to be 14 yrs, & not in a hurry to marry again (also still getting alimony). My fiance/our friends/my children/our pastor/everyone in the family understood & accepted this...except Dad. He would come up & visit us with Mom, but he would not stay over night (he never said, but implied, we lived in a house of sin, so he would not sleep there). Finally Mom talked him into coming up in their camper (though we had 2 other bedrooms) & they would stay in the driveway!!

I talked to Mom about this & her explanation each time was 'U were 21 when you finally left home, & though you were gone 23 yrs, when you came back, U are still Daddy's little girl & he sees U as still 21 & still 'responsible' for you'. She tried her best to convince him, but he would not budge from this 'thinking'. But otherwise, things were great between Dad & me for many years .. until...strangely .. I got married after a 9-year long engagement. As I look back at 2004 now, I see now what I did not see then ... I was AGAIN no longer Daddy's little girl .. and he had no control over me at all .. something I know now he did not feel good about..a Dad wanting to still be 'in control', though he never felt this way about my brother at all!!

It started when my Mom's Mom passed away in 02/2004, a few months later my Mom came down with Meniere's Disease (extreme & uncontrollable dizziness & Vertigo, doctors know very little about to help) & my parents' roles reversed .. Dad became the care giver, something he had NO clue, or patience, to do. The beginnings of his frustrations started coming out on me, specifically on Mother's Day 2004. Met them at a restaurant to eat & Dad started talking about me to my Mom, in front of me as if I was not there, criticizing me from head to toe, inside & outside. I had a new short, spiked hairdo (did she put her finger in a socket?), what is that bug in her ear (new cellular Jawbone my kids had just sent to me), isn't that dress too short (I had just lost 15 lbs & felt younger, so acceptably short clothes..after all I am age 55 by now & a professional job ... please), then after ordering told the poor waitress (who got sooo embarrassed) that I would now go out & smoke a few cancer sticks, so no hurry for the dinner!!! Dad had a mild stroke, an angioplasty done, quit smoking 10 yrs before ... horrid ex-smoker attitude now...Mom of course, always took up for him ... "he feels badly he passed the smoking gene on to you, so bear with him" ... please.

Then in 2006 Mom started calling to tell me Dad was being verbally mean to her for no reason & she had had enough. My parents both worked all their lives, had what I felt was a solid, good 50/50 marriage, with only Mom being the one who could put my Dad into place when he got out of hand sometimes, so this shocked me!! When this went on for months, I called their Dr. (who had been my Dr. long ago also) & asked what to do. He said I would have to bring them in, but I knew Dad would not go or admit anything was going on, so I tricked my Mom into going (she is a very private person & almost disowned me that day...the angriest I have EVER seen her), but Dr. got out of her what had been happening & he put them BOTH on antidepressants...they told Dad it was another heart med. These meds did the trick & things got back to normal (Mom later thanked me over & over for taking care of them). And this led to years of only small flair ups to me... I could not say or do anything right, and tho' just like him personality wise, if I was outspoken or tried to help him/them in a situation, I was 'too bossy' or 'meddling'. But I just got used to it & turned the other check ... until this last Dec. 2010.

Pls continue to Part 3

Pat All Alone Part 3

In 2007 I started to see my Mom's memory really slip & get mixed up, she was repeating the same stories over and over. My Mom is very intelligent, has a Masters degree & taught school or was a school librarian for 38 years. When she retired after Dad, they would do crossword puzzles like crazy to keep their cognitive up & both read a lot. But I have found out this still will not stop Alzheimer's or Dementia. My Mom's Mom died at age 99, still sharp as a tack, her poor heart just wore out. She was my heroine, my life mentor, and I mess her so much. But the only ones (we know of anyway) in Mom's family with Dementia is her Mom's youngest sister, a genteel Southern lady who was extremely shy, would not hurt a fly & lived thro' 3 husbands.

So when she got Dementia, my GMM took her in & took care of her ... until my Great Aunt became mean & out of control (which is what this horrid disease turns some people into) & she had to put her in a nursing home until she passed a couple of years later. But she is the only one we know of.

I asked my brother, other family members, family friends (anyone but Dad who would go straight into denial anyway) if they noticed these subtle changes in Mom ... all attributed it to 'old age', but I felt differently. She would have really good days & some bad days, but when my brother passed away at only age 56, suddenly & very unexpectedly, from a massive heart attack in Sept 2009, Mom's Dementia was advanced enough, it actually 'cushioned her' (if that is possible) from her massive grief, she mainly just mimicked my Dad's grief, who took this exceedingly hard ... to this day. She had not had a Meneire's attack in a couple of years, but she did have 2 in a row in the funeral home while planning his funeral 2 days after he passed ... & hasn't had any since that I know of.

Dad actually became subdued from Sept 2009 to Jan 2010 when Mom had chest pains, was put in the hospital, had a severe reaction to the Nitroglycerin patches she had never had (not once, but twice due to hospital error) ... we almost lost her, not once but twice as her blood pressure dropped really, really low! He was actually grateful I came right down to coax Mom out of bed & get her to the ER right away...he was just lost. I registered her, I yelled loudly after they made her wait 2 hrs in waiting room in wheel chair & they got her right to the back! I yelled loudly when the ER did NOT put a note of her severe re3action to the Mitro patch on her record & the Cardiac Ward slapped one on her again...after that huge signs on her record, by doorway & above her bed!! She was only there 4 days & made a quick recovery, thank goodness .. & life was good for most of the rest of the year. I know Dad was really facing mortality during all of this .. losing my brother, then almost losing my Mom.

But all good things come to an end, right? In Nov 2010 their Accountant (who used to be mine also when I lived there)called to say I needed to help them with their very late income tax. She said Mom always had everything in order each year, but the last THREE years she had trouble getting all the right things together...about the same time I saw her changing also. Dad had NO clue where to even begin to get these papers needed, so I went down 3 days in a row & had it all done for them & the Accountant. I never really looked at any of these papers, did not want to pry & never thought I would really need to know these things in a few short months after this!!

In Dec 2010 Mom got up in the middle of the night & almost fainted in the bathroom .. Dad was asleep & still don't know how he heard her yell out to him & he get up & to her before she hit the tile floor or hit her head!! He got her back to bed, but so worried he could not sleep. He did not even know or remember to keep her up for a while & walking in case of a concussion before he reached her. He could not get her to get out of bed next morning, so when I called to just check on them, I went down right away, again getting her ready, out of bed & to the ER. Smarter this time, I demanded they see her right away because of her age, her BP obviously dropping exceedingly low & 2nd trip there in 10 months!! She was in Cardiac a week, they took her off all of her meds, then slowly reintroduced a few back to her....never did figure out what dropped her BP so low each time she sat or got up.

But this was a real turning pt. for Mom. She had to wear a heart monitor at home for a month...she fussed about it & all of its noises, did not want it on, would NOT eat except fruit, fruit, fruit. A great water drinker all of her life, she won't touch it now...wants a chocolate drink called Yahoo ALL of the time....even to this day....Dad buys it by the case for her.

Well, Dad wanted to take her straight from the hospital to Ryan's...see how he just does not think rationally anymore. Thank goodness I was with them and said NO. They eat out ALL of the time. Dad has never cooked, never wants to know how. So I suggested to Mom I go to the grocery, cook up a lot of meals for them, put them in freezer bag meal portions for them for at least the next 2 weeks until she was able to go out again. She agreed this was a good idea, so Dad gave me his credit card. I also bought booster drinks for Mom who was only eating about 3 Tbsp. per meal & some other things to help her along, as well as meals & ingredients for 2 huge pots of homemade soups...which she loves!! But Dad had a HUGE fit when he saw the grocery receipt...having NO clue as to prices by now & inflation.

Then the worst thing happened...as the broth simmered on the stove, I went out to smoke, never got one cig smoked when he ran out (it is about 9 pm, pitch dark, neighborhood quiet) yelling at the top of his lungs that I have made Mom SICK...he was red faced & LIVID!! I ran in, for some reason the usually inviting aroma of soup simmering, had made her nauseated...how could I know this? Their house windows (like all other precious houses) were nailed shut (Dad's cheap version of home security system), so I could not open them right away. I just grabbed the hot pots off the stove & somehow got them outside under their carport, then quickly back in to get Mom up off the couch to take her to her bedroom on the other end of the house, where I was going to shut her in there & put a towel under the door, then be able to open up their only 2 external doors & turn the air conditioner fan higher to get the smell out. Well, 2 steps from the couch, Dad grabs Mom out of my arms so quickly, he almost dropped her & while still holding her tightly, yells at me again LOUDLY, red faced, teeth gritted, one fist balled up "Get the hell out of my house...right now" I was flabbergasted & could not react for a moment. I just looked at him very hurtfully, tears welling up in my eyes, then turned on my heel & went back outside without a word

Sat in my car, called my hubby on the road, chain smoked & we tried to figure out what I should do. I did not want to leave my poor Mom, but my hubby said she is in NO danger of your Dad, but I might be, so in a few trips I had my car packed again...with my Dad peeking out their bedroom blinds the whole time watching me. I left in such a hurry I forgot my jewelry I had taken off to cook the soup..my aunt had to get them the next day & was going to take the soup broths & veggies in the huge pots & all the ingredients home to cook & freeze for either them, or for herself, so as not to waste it, BUT Dad had thrown BOTH pots out over their grass in the backyard ("for the birds")...it burnt the grass, the birds never ate one thing & the soup laid across there for months!!

I went back into their bedroom, apologized to my Mom who was in bed that under the circumstances I was making my own choice to leave, NOT because Dad told me to. She cried, but said she understood. Then I looked up at my Dad standing on the other side of the bed and said straight to his face, without any emotion, "I have no clue who you are anymore, I just know you are NOT the loving Father who raised me". With that, I walked out, gently closed the door and left. I went next door to tell the neighbors what had happened & to keep a close eye on them daily for me because I did not know when I would want to come down again. It was such a bad, bad ordeal!! Now I wish I had stood my ground with Dad, stayed, taken the soup to my Aunt's to finish cooking (or the neighbors') & gotten it in the freezer without wasting it as Dad did. This is the 2nd time Dad had done the red face/balled fists/gritted teeth thing with me, so I was now beginning to wonder if he is as sick as Mom is with her Dementia.

The next day I started researching Alzheimer's & Dementia on every website I could find...and am still doing this to this day. As I said I KNOW Mom has Dementia by two of the meds she is taking, but I also KNOW Dad has Alzheimer's, in its advancing stages, because he as 7 of the top 10 SIGNS. I felt badly now at what I had told him, because he is no longer the loving Father who raised me, he is ravished with a disease which is talking for him now, not himself.

Their accountant had asked why I did not have POA over Mom and Dad. I told her I did not think Dad, as independent & stubborn as he is, would ever agree, so she suggested it to him later, on her own, and he said it was not necessary, he had everything under control....right!! Next their broker & their dentist office called me to see what Mom and Dad really had, as they were watching them decline rapidly...they were shocked I did not have POA...they suggested it to Dad...same answer: NO. Even my Mom's hairdresser of over 35 years called me...so worried about Mom and Dad, especially Mom who came every Wednesday to get her hair done, then would go home & comb it all out again...something she had NEVER done...and she was worried they were STILL visiting my brother's grave every single day now for over 1.5 yrs...her husband had died 3 yrs before & told her he did NOT want her to visit his grave...she thought was very unhealthy for my parents to still be doing this, but I asked her HOW can I stop them? They are causing no one any harm, & doing what they promised themselves they would do for my brother. They are STILL doing this daily.

Months later when my hubby went down with me (he did not want me to ever go down alone again, afraid my Dad's balled fists might want to hit a target...me) & things were strained at first, but finally mellowed again. However, in their phone conversations for months, my Dad often brought up he thought I should apologize to him for what I said to him ... can you believe this???

No one has ever seen all of these blow ups of my Dad's towards me...except Mom. He makes her so upset, but he blames ME for upsetting her!! But 3 weeks ago, the day before my surgery, hubby & I went down. They had already eaten the lunch Dad had gone out & gotten them, but we had not eaten thinking we were all going out to eat. About 2 hours later Mom told us the food Dad had brought for us was on the kitchen counter!!! It was fish & chicken, so we did not know if we still wanted to eat it or not, but we did!!

We wanted to talk to them about his caregiver who had taken care of their dentist's Mom for 12 years before she passed the first of this year. Conversation was civil, but Dad said he like the one they had now, Mom piped up & said YES, SHE IS OUR FRIEND! I said yes, but she needs to be your professional caregiver, trained & know the right things to do for you, not just a friend. This gal they had did not even have a drivers' license or know how to drive a car....how was she going to help them in an emergency??? Dad said call an ambulance!! It went round & round with Dad not relenting to the new person, so I just backed off for a while.

Then I thought I should let Dad know how their gal now had not only lied 3 times, 2 times to me & once to him, she was also trying to create & maintain more trouble between me and him. And I might have been successful, but when I was telling about her first lie to me, I slipped and said this woman is VERY aware that Mom has Dementia and you have Alzheimer's and could take advantage of both of you.....he never heard my words beyond Alzheimer's. Up he came to the edge of his chair, same MO (red-faced, fists balled & spitting out between gritted teeth: Who told you this? I want to know who told you this?!!!! (Mom got up & mimicked Dad completely, she kept looking at him & doing this...I could have just broken down & cried, but hubby & I both remained very calm. I have read one cannot ever win an argument with someone with Alzheimer's or Dementia...ever.

With this, my hubby came out of the kitchen where he was packing up our leftover food, getting ready for us to go...first time he has seen Dad like this, so he came across the room and sat protectively beside me.

I told him I knew about Mom for sure because the home nurse told me all about her meds & 2 were for Dementia, I told him he was sitting right there when the male nurse told me this!! As for him, I told him about the extensive internet research I had spent many, many hours going over, trying to find explanations & reasons for his behavior...and he has 7 of the Top 10 Signs of it!! I also said I cannot talk to their doctor, even thought he had once been my doctor, about them because the the DAMNED Privacy Act and Elder Laws now in place, so I was doing the next best thing I could do to try to understand and help them more

Hubby backed me up on all of this. But the words fell on deaf ears, as Dad got up out of his chair, in his sock feet, leaving his wallet on the table beside him, grabbing Mom without even her purse, and said he had to get them out of there. It was dark (he cannot drive in the dark) AND pouring down rain outside, but he shuffled and Mom waddled on out to the carport & started opening the car doors. I said 'Never mind, go back in, we are leaving instead, but I sure hope you go back in there, calm down and go over all I just said to you to see what I am saying makes sense.'

I had to turn my attention to myself the rest of that night because I was headed for a 3.5 hour surgery the next day & 2 weeks' recuperation. I have not called or talked to them since that day a month ago. I just started making appts. with attorneys I am meeting with this week, to get all preliminary paperwork done for Guardianship/Conservator over both of them, ready to go when I see I need to really & finally go to court to not only protect them from 3 others I don't like in their life (moochers hanging around & calling every day I will be slapping restraining orders on asap), but to help protect my parents from themselves also. I have read about, have seen a lengthy video on the whole court process & been told by my 3 advisers I now have (Alzh Assoc./Agency for the Aging/Protective Services for the Elderly), this will be a short court process, but a lifelong commitment to a ton of paperwork & the Probate Court watching my every move!! That's OK, anything to help my parents and protect them.

I sound calm, but I really am not completely. I miss my brother who should be here helping me with all of this...I talk to him every day about this. I ask God daily why he took my brother, though I felt at peace at the time he died and why am I having to take all this on by myself now? Visions of Dad's red face, clenched fists, gritted teeth sneak up on me every once in a while, I just break down and cry, not worth anything the rest of that day. He is the ONLY one who can make me cry, even when he is not right there with me!!

But what has given me hope the most is unfortunately reading on this forum,that so many others of you are having to go through the same thing I am going through. This is sad for all of us, but at the same time, it is so nice to come out here and talk to those who truly know and understand what I am saying and what I am feeling...my mixture of extreme emotions...so volatile..so vulnerable...so frustrated...often helplessness. So good we have each other (I hope some of you are still out here!!) to "virtually hug", cry with and encourage and advise.

Hope to hear from some of you soon.

Pat All Alone Part 3

In 2007 I started to see my Mom's memory really slip & get mixed up, she was repeating the same stories over and over. My Mom is very intelligent, has a Masters degree & taught school or was a school librarian for 38 years. When she retired after Dad, they would do crossword puzzles like crazy to keep their cognitive up & both read a lot. But I have found out this still will not stop Alzheimer's or Dementia. My Mom's Mom died at age 99, still sharp as a tack, her poor heart just wore out. She was my heroine, my life mentor, and I mess her so much. But the only ones (we know of anyway) in Mom's family with Dementia is her Mom's youngest sister, a genteel Southern lady who was extremely shy, would not hurt a fly & lived thro' 3 husbands.

So when she got Dementia, my GMM took her in & took care of her ... until my Great Aunt became mean & out of control (which is what this horrid disease turns some people into) & she had to put her in a nursing home until she passed a couple of years later. But she is the only one we know of.

I asked my brother, other family members, family friends (anyone but Dad who would go straight into denial anyway) if they noticed these subtle changes in Mom ... all attributed it to 'old age', but I felt differently. She would have really good days & some bad days, but when my brother passed away at only age 56, suddenly & very unexpectedly, from a massive heart attack in Sept 2009, Mom's Dementia was advanced enough, it actually 'cushioned her' (if that is possible) from her massive grief, she mainly just mimicked my Dad's grief, who took this exceedingly hard ... to this day. She had not had a Meneire's attack in a couple of years, but she did have 2 in a row in the funeral home while planning his funeral 2 days after he passed ... & hasn't had any since that I know of.

Dad actually became subdued from Sept 2009 to Jan 2010 when Mom had chest pains, was put in the hospital, had a severe reaction to the Nitroglycerin patches she had never had (not once, but twice due to hospital error) ... we almost lost her, not once but twice as her blood pressure dropped really, really low! He was actually grateful I came right down to coax Mom out of bed & get her to the ER right away...he was just lost. I registered her, I yelled loudly after they made her wait 2 hrs in waiting room in wheel chair & they got her right to the back! I yelled loudly when the ER did NOT put a note of her severe re3action to the Mitro patch on her record & the Cardiac Ward slapped one on her again...after that huge signs on her record, by doorway & above her bed!! She was only there 4 days & made a quick recovery, thank goodness .. & life was good for most of the rest of the year. I know Dad was really facing mortality during all of this .. losing my brother, then almost losing my Mom.

But all good things come to an end, right? In Nov 2010 their Accountant (who used to be mine also when I lived there)called to say I needed to help them with their very late income tax. She said Mom always had everything in order each year, but the last THREE years she had trouble getting all the right things together...about the same time I saw her changing also. Dad had NO clue where to even begin to get these papers needed, so I went down 3 days in a row & had it all done for them & the Accountant. I never really looked at any of these papers, did not want to pry & never thought I would really need to know these things in a few short months after this!!

In Dec 2010 Mom got up in the middle of the night & almost fainted in the bathroom .. Dad was asleep & still don't know how he heard her yell out to him & he get up & to her before she hit the tile floor or hit her head!! He got her back to bed, but so worried he could not sleep. He did not even know or remember to keep her up for a while & walking in case of a concussion before he reached her. He could not get her to get out of bed next morning, so when I called to just check on them, I went down right away, again getting her ready, out of bed & to the ER. Smarter this time, I demanded they see her right away because of her age, her BP obviously dropping exceedingly low & 2nd trip there in 10 months!! She was in Cardiac a week, they took her off all of her meds, then slowly reintroduced a few back to her....never did figure out what dropped her BP so low each time she sat or got up.

But this was a real turning pt. for Mom. She had to wear a heart monitor at home for a month...she fussed about it & all of its noises, did not want it on, would NOT eat except fruit, fruit, fruit. A great water drinker all of her life, she won't touch it now...wants a chocolate drink called Yahoo ALL of the time....even to this day....Dad buys it by the case for her.

Well, Dad wanted to take her straight from the hospital to Ryan's...see how he just does not think rationally anymore. Thank goodness I was with them and said NO. They eat out ALL of the time. Dad has never cooked, never wants to know how. So I suggested to Mom I go to the grocery, cook up a lot of meals for them, put them in freezer bag meal portions for them for at least the next 2 weeks until she was able to go out again. She agreed this was a good idea, so Dad gave me his credit card. I also bought booster drinks for Mom who was only eating about 3 Tbsp. per meal & some other things to help her along, as well as meals & ingredients for 2 huge pots of homemade soups...which she loves!! But Dad had a HUGE fit when he saw the grocery receipt...having NO clue as to prices by now & inflation.

Then the worst thing happened...as the broth simmered on the stove, I went out to smoke, never got one cig smoked when he ran out (it is about 9 pm, pitch dark, neighborhood quiet) yelling at the top of his lungs that I have made Mom SICK...he was red faced & LIVID!! I ran in, for some reason the usually inviting aroma of soup simmering, had made her nauseated...how could I know this? Their house windows (like all other precious houses) were nailed shut (Dad's cheap version of home security system), so I could not open them right away. I just grabbed the hot pots off the stove & somehow got them outside under their carport, then quickly back in to get Mom up off the couch to take her to her bedroom on the other end of the house, where I was going to shut her in there & put a towel under the door, then be able to open up their only 2 external doors & turn the air conditioner fan higher to get the smell out. Well, 2 steps from the couch, Dad grabs Mom out of my arms so quickly, he almost dropped her & while still holding her tightly, yells at me again LOUDLY, red faced, teeth gritted, one fist balled up "Get the hell out of my house...right now" I was flabbergasted & could not react for a moment. I just looked at him very hurtfully, tears welling up in my eyes, then turned on my heel & went back outside without a word

Sat in my car, called my hubby on the road, chain smoked & we tried to figure out what I should do. I did not want to leave my poor Mom, but my hubby said she is in NO danger of your Dad, but I might be, so in a few trips I had my car packed again...with my Dad peeking out their bedroom blinds the whole time watching me. I left in such a hurry I forgot my jewelry I had taken off to cook the soup..my aunt had to get them the next day & was going to take the soup broths & veggies in the huge pots & all the ingredients home to cook & freeze for either them, or for herself, so as not to waste it, BUT Dad had thrown BOTH pots out over their grass in the backyard ("for the birds")...it burnt the grass, the birds never ate one thing & the soup laid across there for months!!

I went back into their bedroom, apologized to my Mom who was in bed that under the circumstances I was making my own choice to leave, NOT because Dad told me to. She cried, but said she understood. Then I looked up at my Dad standing on the other side of the bed and said straight to his face, without any emotion, "I have no clue who you are anymore, I just know you are NOT the loving Father who raised me". With that, I walked out, gently closed the door and left. I went next door to tell the neighbors what had happened & to keep a close eye on them daily for me because I did not know when I would want to come down again. It was such a bad, bad ordeal!! Now I wish I had stood my ground with Dad, stayed, taken the soup to my Aunt's to finish cooking (or the neighbors') & gotten it in the freezer without wasting it as Dad did. This is the 2nd time Dad had done the red face/balled fists/gritted teeth thing with me, so I was now beginning to wonder if he is as sick as Mom is with her Dementia.

The next day I started researching Alzheimer's & Dementia on every website I could find...and am still doing this to this day. As I said I KNOW Mom has Dementia by two of the meds she is taking, but I also KNOW Dad has Alzheimer's, in its advancing stages, because he as 7 of the top 10 SIGNS. I felt badly now at what I had told him, because he is no longer the loving Father who raised me, he is ravished with a disease which is talking for him now, not himself.

Their accountant had asked why I did not have POA over Mom and Dad. I told her I did not think Dad, as independent & stubborn as he is, would ever agree, so she suggested it to him later, on her own, and he said it was not necessary, he had everything under control....right!! Next their broker & their dentist office called me to see what Mom and Dad really had, as they were watching them decline rapidly...they were shocked I did not have POA...they suggested it to Dad...same answer: NO. Even my Mom's hairdresser of over 35 years called me...so worried about Mom and Dad, especially Mom who came every Wednesday to get her hair done, then would go home & comb it all out again...something she had NEVER done...and she was worried they were STILL visiting my brother's grave every single day now for over 1.5 yrs...her husband had died 3 yrs before & told her he did NOT want her to visit his grave...she thought was very unhealthy for my parents to still be doing this, but I asked her HOW can I stop them? They are causing no one any harm, & doing what they promised themselves they would do for my brother. They are STILL doing this daily.

Months later when my hubby went down with me (he did not want me to ever go down alone again, afraid my Dad's balled fists might want to hit a target...me) & things were strained at first, but finally mellowed again. However, in their phone conversations for months, my Dad often brought up he thought I should apologize to him for what I said to him ... can you believe this???

No one has ever seen all of these blow ups of my Dad's towards me...except Mom. He makes her so upset, but he blames ME for upsetting her!! But 3 weeks ago, the day before my surgery, hubby & I went down. They had already eaten the lunch Dad had gone out & gotten them, but we had not eaten thinking we were all going out to eat. About 2 hours later Mom told us the food Dad had brought for us was on the kitchen counter!!! It was fish & chicken, so we did not know if we still wanted to eat it or not, but we did!!

We wanted to talk to them about his caregiver who had taken care of their dentist's Mom for 12 years before she passed the first of this year. Conversation was civil, but Dad said he like the one they had now, Mom piped up & said YES, SHE IS OUR FRIEND! I said yes, but she needs to be your professional caregiver, trained & know the right things to do for you, not just a friend. This gal they had did not even have a drivers' license or know how to drive a car....how was she going to help them in an emergency??? Dad said call an ambulance!! It went round & round with Dad not relenting to the new person, so I just backed off for a while.

Then I thought I should let Dad know how their gal now had not only lied 3 times, 2 times to me & once to him, she was also trying to create & maintain more trouble between me and him. And I might have been successful, but when I was telling about her first lie to me, I slipped and said this woman is VERY aware that Mom has Dementia and you have Alzheimer's and could take advantage of both of you.....he never heard my words beyond Alzheimer's. Up he came to the edge of his chair, same MO (red-faced, fists balled & spitting out between gritted teeth: Who told you this? I want to know who told you this?!!!! (Mom got up & mimicked Dad completely, she kept looking at him & doing this...I could have just broken down & cried, but hubby & I both remained very calm. I have read one cannot ever win an argument with someone with Alzheimer's or Dementia...ever.

With this, my hubby came out of the kitchen where he was packing up our leftover food, getting ready for us to go...first time he has seen Dad like this, so he came across the room and sat protectively beside me.

I told him I knew about Mom for sure because the home nurse told me all about her meds & 2 were for Dementia, I told him he was sitting right there when the male nurse told me this!! As for him, I told him about the extensive internet research I had spent many, many hours going over, trying to find explanations & reasons for his behavior...and he has 7 of the Top 10 Signs of it!! I also said I cannot talk to their doctor, even thought he had once been my doctor, about them because the the DAMNED Privacy Act and Elder Laws now in place, so I was doing the next best thing I could do to try to understand and help them more

Hubby backed me up on all of this. But the words fell on deaf ears, as Dad got up out of his chair, in his sock feet, leaving his wallet on the table beside him, grabbing Mom without even her purse, and said he had to get them out of there. It was dark (he cannot drive in the dark) AND pouring down rain outside, but he shuffled and Mom waddled on out to the carport & started opening the car doors. I said 'Never mind, go back in, we are leaving instead, but I sure hope you go back in there, calm down and go over all I just said to you to see what I am saying makes sense.'

I had to turn my attention to myself the rest of that night because I was headed for a 3.5 hour surgery the next day & 2 weeks' recuperation. I have not called or talked to them since that day a month ago. I just started making appts. with attorneys I am meeting with this week, to get all preliminary paperwork done for Guardianship/Conservator over both of them, ready to go when I see I need to really & finally go to court to not only protect them from 3 others I don't like in their life (moochers hanging around & calling every day I will be slapping restraining orders on asap), but to help protect my parents from themselves also. I have read about, have seen a lengthy video on the whole court process & been told by my 3 advisers I now have (Alzh Assoc./Agency for the Aging/Protective Services for the Elderly), this will be a short court process, but a lifelong commitment to a ton of paperwork & the Probate Court watching my every move!! That's OK, anything to help my parents and protect them.

I sound calm, but I really am not completely. I miss my brother who should be here helping me with all of this...I talk to him every day about this. I ask God daily why he took my brother, though I felt at peace at the time he died and why am I having to take all this on by myself now? Visions of Dad's red face, clenched fists, gritted teeth sneak up on me every once in a while, I just break down and cry, not worth anything the rest of that day. He is the ONLY one who can make me cry, even when he is not right there with me!!

But what has given me hope the most is unfortunately reading on this forum,that so many others of you are having to go through the same thing I am going through. This is sad for all of us, but at the same time, it is so nice to come out here and talk to those who truly know and understand what I am saying and what I am feeling...my mixture of extreme emotions...so volatile..so vulnerable...so frustrated...often helplessness. So good we have each other (I hope some of you are still out here!!) to "virtually hug", cry with and encourage and advise.

Hope to hear from some of you soon.

Galowa, thank you so much for responding!! I was so hoping you would, as well as some of you who might still be out here!!

I have my daughter, husband, Pastor, girlfriends, professional advisers ... to support me, but they have never personally experienced this with parents before, so I am so glad to find this group who must know what I am going through, because as I read posts from others....I kept telling myself "I know what you mean", "I feel that way also", "Oh, aren't our hearts just broken seeing our parent(s) this way". So far though, I think I am the only one who is going through it all DOUBLE with BOTH of my parents at the same time, each with a different disease...I am worn out.

My Dad's sister is of no support...she would do anything to believe Dad is not sick...even lie to a judge about him, I swear...or say I am over reacting or meddling. My Mom's sister & brother are afraid to get involved, or support me, or even try to reason with my Dad because they have seen his volatile temper for over 60 yrs, don't want his wrath on their head & tell them they can no longer see my Mom (their biggest fear). But my Uncle's wife, who is so quiet, demure, cares about everyone & known for her kindness, calls & checks on me often, wants to help but does not know what she can do except console me. My parents are on their annual Florida trek with Mom's siblings this week, my aunt is observing & recording in a booklet all of Mom's and Dad's behaviors while with her for 7 days. I am sure Mom's sister & brother will be on their P's & Q's also, so I am anxious to hear how the week went. Lsst year's trip, I guess Dad got loud & temperamental with Mom's sister over ... of all things ... the TV remote control!! Guess he gave her what for and stormed out of the room for the rest of the night!!

I'm out of town all day today (yikes, I need to get to bed!!!), have a function to attend tonight, church yard sale to help sort in the morning, but should be on my computer sometime tomorrow afternoon. Hope I hear from all of you!!

Pat

Galowa, thank you so much for responding!! I was so hoping you would, as well as some of you who might still be out here!!

I have my daughter, husband, Pastor, girlfriends, professional advisers ... to support me, but they have never personally experienced this with parents before, so I am so glad to find this group who must know what I am going through, because as I read posts from others....I kept telling myself "I know what you mean", "I feel that way also", "Oh, aren't our hearts just broken seeing our parent(s) this way". So far though, I think I am the only one who is going through it all DOUBLE with BOTH of my parents at the same time, each with a different disease...I am worn out.

My Dad's sister is of no support...she would do anything to believe Dad is not sick...even lie to a judge about him, I swear...or say I am over reacting or meddling. My Mom's sister & brother are afraid to get involved, or support me, or even try to reason with my Dad because they have seen his volatile temper for over 60 yrs, don't want his wrath on their head & tell them they can no longer see my Mom (their biggest fear). But my Uncle's wife, who is so quiet, demure, cares about everyone & known for her kindness, calls & checks on me often, wants to help but does not know what she can do except console me. My parents are on their annual Florida trek with Mom's siblings this week, my aunt is observing & recording in a booklet all of Mom's and Dad's behaviors while with her for 7 days. I am sure Mom's sister & brother will be on their P's & Q's also, so I am anxious to hear how the week went. Lsst year's trip, I guess Dad got loud & temperamental with Mom's sister over ... of all things ... the TV remote control!! Guess he gave her what for and stormed out of the room for the rest of the night!!

I'm out of town all day today (yikes, I need to get to bed!!!), have a function to attend tonight, church yard sale to help sort in the morning, but should be on my computer sometime tomorrow afternoon. Hope I hear from all of you!!

Pat

Wow, did anyone get through my 'Part 3' without falling asleep??? I have to apologize!!! Must have been on one of my down days.

Not that things have gotten better....no, actually worse. I have stressed out so much, I had a heart attack. Glad to be luckier than my poor baby brother with his, I am alive to tell everyone about it!!! Actually it was a 'silent heart attack' (he has been gone 2 yrs ago Sept now...I miss him soooo much), the deadliest kind they say. I must have had it sometime in August & think back now knowing WHEN it happened. I have not had acute acid reflux since I started drinking a Mangosteen juice called XanGo the past 8 yrs. But one night, after not eating anything out of the ordinary, I had what I thought was a BAD case of reflux, drank half a bottle of my juice, but still took about 2.5 hours before it left...so I think that was my heart attack, not the reflux. I was watching TV & sat through it all.

For my surgery (for my bladder pacemaker, not heart) on Sept. 6, when I went for the Pre-Op, I asked if they could use the EKG (to save expense to my insurance and to me) I had just had on July 4th weekend when I had a kidney stone attack & had to go to the ER.....or they might have seen the heart attack if they had done another one then, and I might not have gotten my repair surgery done!! Yikes!! Just glad I made it through the surgery without complications also!!!

Week before last, when I found out I had had one from my new, young, good-looking (had to add this) Cardiologist, I told myself on the way home....he said eliminate ALL stress from my life, right now anyway, while he watches my heart closer....so I knew who I had to eliminate FIRST....my Dad, the No. 1 stressor in my life....and I have, but I still worry about my Mom I cannot see either. Have not seen or spoken to them since Sept. 5, the day before my bladder pacemaker surgery. He never called to see how my surgery was, if I was OK, nothing. No one in my family told him about my heart attack for 4 days, so my husband, very unwillingly, called & told him...my Mom also, but she is so in & out of Dementia, all she said was 'keep us informed', then I am sure she promptly forgot all about it or me.

My Dad made excuses he had lost his glasses in FL, but actually his 'companion woman' (I call her 'Lisa Leech' now, for she has made sure she is attached to my Dad, believe me.....most thieves will tell you all you want & need to hear to smooze you....she is a expert at this) had taken his eyeglasses OUT of his suitcase she supposedly helped him pack (and one for Mom), and put them on the fireplace mantle, of all places!!! Why, I have NO clue except she is a dumb sh*t. So he told my hubby he had to order more, for a 2nd pair maybe, but he had his glasses when he came back home.

But even if he didn't have any glasses, he could have asked his sister, or anyone, to have driven them the hour up to my house to see and check on me, wouldn't you think? But he didn't. Have not heard from him at all for 9 days now until he called my husband's cell phone yesterday & did not even leave a VM, but hubby would not answer or talk to my Dad. He has lost all respect for my Dad now after he witnessed, in person finally, the blow-up at me Dad did (& forgot my husband was there, but out of sight in the kitchen that day). My husband was actually concerned for my safety that day (Sept. 5) & came in to sit down by me in case he had to keep my Dad physically from me.

So...I have had to let them go, plus all the hours and hours I spent on the Internet researching Alzheimer's and Dementia, the time to travel & interview 6 attorneys until I found one I liked, the time spent driving down there to see & try to help them MANY times, only to be yelled out by my Dad and my crying all the way home.....all that time for and with them...for what? This?

My Mom's brother's wife, I will call her 'Barb' here, did call me when they all got back from FL. She said both of my parents acted like they felt OK, Dad doted on Mom, they always held hands when they walked (this is not being romantic, rather because Mom has the beginning of bowed legs and waddles when she walks now, and Dad had needed Hip surgery for over 15 years!!! They hold hand for support more than anything), seemed very happy. But they were only with them for 6 days, & things were relaxed, so Dad was on his best behavior to show them he was taking good care of my Mom, and had no reason to be upset about anything or to anyone (althought last year on this annual trip, he yelled at my other Aunt...over the TV remote & got everyone on edge!!!)...so this was not a real scenario, like them being at home

'Barb' & my uncle had to pick my parents up for the trip, since my surgery got scheduled that week, and she WAS appalled at how their house looked, a mess/not cleaned/cluttered to the hilt/NOT like my Mom always kept their house when she oould....knowing Dad had hired this housekeeper and her son's girlfriend, Lisa Leech, to come TWO days a week EACH....but what are they doing....appears to be NOTHING, just taking my Dad's money!!! And Barb said Dad talked about 'Fu*k Chuck' (as my husband has nicknamed him) a lot, so he must still be 'stealing' from my Dad by selling him all kinds of things he does NOT need, as well as trying to pry himself in as a family member so Dad will leave something to him in his will......this all makes me so sick to my stomach. These thieving leeches are the only ones in my Dad's life, he has NO clue what they are all up to, or would never admit it anyway.....but rejecting me, his blood daughter and only living child, who would never even think of doing anything bad to them, let alone acting badly.....so mixed up and INSANE!!!

Also 'Barb' later told my husband, so as not to worry me, when he prodded her more on a later, unbeknownst to me, phone call just between the two of them, that my Dad basically says he thinks I am after their money (this is a definite sign of Alzheimer's....hoarding & thinking people are stealing from them) and I am trying to control their lives, instead of seeing I am trying my damnest to HELP them the best I can...without going for Guardianship which WOULD REALLY CONTROL their lives!! This is the thanks I get????

Have NO clue why he thinks I want their money....does this make sense if I am the only child left and going to get the money one day anyway? I would much rather have my parents here with me longer on Earth than their money...please...he knows me better than this, or used to....I am just hoping it is his Alzheimer's really talking, not really my Dad saying all of this.

I know he has been talking against me since at least May, for Lisa Leech told me she 'knew ALL about me' when I met her that one and only day the end of June. She was a perfect stranger when he met her, yet he tells her everything....not realizing he is just feeding her more information to talk against me also to him...just playing him to the hilt!!! So doesn't surprise me now, he is telling anyone and everyone who will hear him...I ma the bad daughter....and since he could sell ice to Eskimos, he probably has everyone convinced I AM the bad daughter.

Any suggestions on how I can get to everyone and let them know Dad is just very, very sick and imagining all of these things about me? Sure wish I could get him professionally evaluated, but that is next to impossible to get done.

I just know I really, really need to take care of myself first now. I am just tired of dealing with, and fighting him, off me verbally & emotionally. I have had enough stress and crying, something I don't do very easily but only my Dad can make me cry!!! If others want to believe him, then so be it, I don't need to defend myself whatsoever. I am just terribly disappointed my two aunts and one uncle, there in FL with them, did not come to my defense with my Dad, telling him NONE of that was true about me at all.....but they did not....and no one else seems to be either. It is a horrible feeling for me. But my husband, my daughter and my pastor have all expressed they may call my Dad and talk to him, try to reason with him and get all of his imaginings turned back to reality. They can if they want to, I just know I am staying away from him and will NOT defend myself to him anymore.

I DO have my mini meltdowns about not seeing my poor Mom though. I know she is safe, though not taken care of as well as I would like and she deserves, by my Dad. I am so afraid not being there often with her, out of sight/out of mind kind of thing, she might move on to the 'I don't know who you are' stage of her Dementia....and I will have lost her totally.

So I am about to the end of two weeks of rest and quiet at home, to the orders of my Dr. & my Cardiologist. Like I said, I see the Cardio on Monday, and plan on attending 3 events 3 days in a row next week....just need to be out, busy and with people to take my mind off my parents, temporarily anyway.

If any of you have any suggestions, please feel free....my brain is as tired as my body, and I am just plain tired of trying to make things right.

Hope all of you are fairing well in your situations also....and hope to hear more people writing out here....makes me not feel so alone and good to talk to people going through all of this with their parents also....good listeners and good advisers since you all know exactly how I feel and what I am going through.

Pat Resting in Atlanta/Refusing to Be Alone!!!!!

Wow, did anyone get through my 'Part 3' without falling asleep??? I have to apologize!!! Must have been on one of my down days.

Not that things have gotten better....no, actually worse. I have stressed out so much, I had a heart attack. Glad to be luckier than my poor baby brother with his, I am alive to tell everyone about it!!! Actually it was a 'silent heart attack' (he has been gone 2 yrs ago Sept now...I miss him soooo much), the deadliest kind they say. I must have had it sometime in August & think back now knowing WHEN it happened. I have not had acute acid reflux since I started drinking a Mangosteen juice called XanGo the past 8 yrs. But one night, after not eating anything out of the ordinary, I had what I thought was a BAD case of reflux, drank half a bottle of my juice, but still took about 2.5 hours before it left...so I think that was my heart attack, not the reflux. I was watching TV & sat through it all.

For my surgery (for my bladder pacemaker, not heart) on Sept. 6, when I went for the Pre-Op, I asked if they could use the EKG (to save expense to my insurance and to me) I had just had on July 4th weekend when I had a kidney stone attack & had to go to the ER.....or they might have seen the heart attack if they had done another one then, and I might not have gotten my repair surgery done!! Yikes!! Just glad I made it through the surgery without complications also!!!

Week before last, when I found out I had had one from my new, young, good-looking (had to add this) Cardiologist, I told myself on the way home....he said eliminate ALL stress from my life, right now anyway, while he watches my heart closer....so I knew who I had to eliminate FIRST....my Dad, the No. 1 stressor in my life....and I have, but I still worry about my Mom I cannot see either. Have not seen or spoken to them since Sept. 5, the day before my bladder pacemaker surgery. He never called to see how my surgery was, if I was OK, nothing. No one in my family told him about my heart attack for 4 days, so my husband, very unwillingly, called & told him...my Mom also, but she is so in & out of Dementia, all she said was 'keep us informed', then I am sure she promptly forgot all about it or me.

My Dad made excuses he had lost his glasses in FL, but actually his 'companion woman' (I call her 'Lisa Leech' now, for she has made sure she is attached to my Dad, believe me.....most thieves will tell you all you want & need to hear to smooze you....she is a expert at this) had taken his eyeglasses OUT of his suitcase she supposedly helped him pack (and one for Mom), and put them on the fireplace mantle, of all places!!! Why, I have NO clue except she is a dumb sh*t. So he told my hubby he had to order more, for a 2nd pair maybe, but he had his glasses when he came back home.

But even if he didn't have any glasses, he could have asked his sister, or anyone, to have driven them the hour up to my house to see and check on me, wouldn't you think? But he didn't. Have not heard from him at all for 9 days now until he called my husband's cell phone yesterday & did not even leave a VM, but hubby would not answer or talk to my Dad. He has lost all respect for my Dad now after he witnessed, in person finally, the blow-up at me Dad did (& forgot my husband was there, but out of sight in the kitchen that day). My husband was actually concerned for my safety that day (Sept. 5) & came in to sit down by me in case he had to keep my Dad physically from me.

So...I have had to let them go, plus all the hours and hours I spent on the Internet researching Alzheimer's and Dementia, the time to travel & interview 6 attorneys until I found one I liked, the time spent driving down there to see & try to help them MANY times, only to be yelled out by my Dad and my crying all the way home.....all that time for and with them...for what? This?

My Mom's brother's wife, I will call her 'Barb' here, did call me when they all got back from FL. She said both of my parents acted like they felt OK, Dad doted on Mom, they always held hands when they walked (this is not being romantic, rather because Mom has the beginning of bowed legs and waddles when she walks now, and Dad had needed Hip surgery for over 15 years!!! They hold hand for support more than anything), seemed very happy. But they were only with them for 6 days, & things were relaxed, so Dad was on his best behavior to show them he was taking good care of my Mom, and had no reason to be upset about anything or to anyone (althought last year on this annual trip, he yelled at my other Aunt...over the TV remote & got everyone on edge!!!)...so this was not a real scenario, like them being at home

'Barb' & my uncle had to pick my parents up for the trip, since my surgery got scheduled that week, and she WAS appalled at how their house looked, a mess/not cleaned/cluttered to the hilt/NOT like my Mom always kept their house when she oould....knowing Dad had hired this housekeeper and her son's girlfriend, Lisa Leech, to come TWO days a week EACH....but what are they doing....appears to be NOTHING, just taking my Dad's money!!! And Barb said Dad talked about 'Fu*k Chuck' (as my husband has nicknamed him) a lot, so he must still be 'stealing' from my Dad by selling him all kinds of things he does NOT need, as well as trying to pry himself in as a family member so Dad will leave something to him in his will......this all makes me so sick to my stomach. These thieving leeches are the only ones in my Dad's life, he has NO clue what they are all up to, or would never admit it anyway.....but rejecting me, his blood daughter and only living child, who would never even think of doing anything bad to them, let alone acting badly.....so mixed up and INSANE!!!

Also 'Barb' later told my husband, so as not to worry me, when he prodded her more on a later, unbeknownst to me, phone call just between the two of them, that my Dad basically says he thinks I am after their money (this is a definite sign of Alzheimer's....hoarding & thinking people are stealing from them) and I am trying to control their lives, instead of seeing I am trying my damnest to HELP them the best I can...without going for Guardianship which WOULD REALLY CONTROL their lives!! This is the thanks I get????

Have NO clue why he thinks I want their money....does this make sense if I am the only child left and going to get the money one day anyway? I would much rather have my parents here with me longer on Earth than their money...please...he knows me better than this, or used to....I am just hoping it is his Alzheimer's really talking, not really my Dad saying all of this.

I know he has been talking against me since at least May, for Lisa Leech told me she 'knew ALL about me' when I met her that one and only day the end of June. She was a perfect stranger when he met her, yet he tells her everything....not realizing he is just feeding her more information to talk against me also to him...just playing him to the hilt!!! So doesn't surprise me now, he is telling anyone and everyone who will hear him...I ma the bad daughter....and since he could sell ice to Eskimos, he probably has everyone convinced I AM the bad daughter.

Any suggestions on how I can get to everyone and let them know Dad is just very, very sick and imagining all of these things about me? Sure wish I could get him professionally evaluated, but that is next to impossible to get done.

I just know I really, really need to take care of myself first now. I am just tired of dealing with, and fighting him, off me verbally & emotionally. I have had enough stress and crying, something I don't do very easily but only my Dad can make me cry!!! If others want to believe him, then so be it, I don't need to defend myself whatsoever. I am just terribly disappointed my two aunts and one uncle, there in FL with them, did not come to my defense with my Dad, telling him NONE of that was true about me at all.....but they did not....and no one else seems to be either. It is a horrible feeling for me. But my husband, my daughter and my pastor have all expressed they may call my Dad and talk to him, try to reason with him and get all of his imaginings turned back to reality. They can if they want to, I just know I am staying away from him and will NOT defend myself to him anymore.

I DO have my mini meltdowns about not seeing my poor Mom though. I know she is safe, though not taken care of as well as I would like and she deserves, by my Dad. I am so afraid not being there often with her, out of sight/out of mind kind of thing, she might move on to the 'I don't know who you are' stage of her Dementia....and I will have lost her totally.

So I am about to the end of two weeks of rest and quiet at home, to the orders of my Dr. & my Cardiologist. Like I said, I see the Cardio on Monday, and plan on attending 3 events 3 days in a row next week....just need to be out, busy and with people to take my mind off my parents, temporarily anyway.

If any of you have any suggestions, please feel free....my brain is as tired as my body, and I am just plain tired of trying to make things right.

Hope all of you are fairing well in your situations also....and hope to hear more people writing out here....makes me not feel so alone and good to talk to people going through all of this with their parents also....good listeners and good advisers since you all know exactly how I feel and what I am going through.

Pat Resting in Atlanta/Refusing to Be Alone!!!!!

Hello All!! Especially Pat, U are NOT alone. I havent posted in months but I stop by from time 2 time 2 check in and just remind myself that I am not alone with this either. This disease is horrible and frankly the worst experience of my entire life. So we all can relate on different levels. My situation is still the same, actually worse, who am I kidding, the verbal abuse I endure daily is out of freakn control.My mom has had 2 mild heart attacks since my last post. All which could have been avoided but she goes on these angry rants for weeks on end. The only break i get from her is when she is in the hospital but she calls 200 times a day demanding that I bring her salt, pepper, butter, hair dye,etc all things that she is resticted from and just plain 'ol does not need period. And when i didnt she started up screaming that I got men laying up in her house and she wants me and them out because she heard a mans voice..it was coming from the tv. But b4 she calmed down enough she had called me every derogatory name there is 2 call a female. Needless to say, i am losing weight.I lost 20 more pounds (I was always a big girl, almost 300 lbs, I'm down 2 197.Ppl I've known nearly all my life dont recognize me anymore and to tell the truth I dont recognize myself. I was happy and now i find myself being mean because I'm aggrivated ALL the time. I'm starting 2 realize that I cant handle this by myslef but when I look around there is nobody else. My mom will not give me Poa. She has 2 be in control. I'm 37 and she keeps askn me to sit down and talk about what I'm doing with my life...smfh. I wanna say catering 2 ur ungrateful ass all day but I would never. She does the angry thing like ur dad and its getting worse cause she is now wanting to hit me. I dont play those games. She swung at me the otha day, I blockd it, grabbed my baby and left. She thinks I'm a kid and refuses to let me participate in any conversation about her health with her doctors. So she still hasnt been diagnosed yet. The only thing i am allowed to participate in is paying bills..All i ever hear is bills, bills bills. She is like a inhouse bill collector. I pay all the utilites. She pays the mortgage, Yah, so i thaught. I open the door 2 find foreclosure paperwork stuffed in the screen door.GrrreeaaTT. But of course she stated that she paid. I dont wanna give up on her but I gotta get my son & myself outta here b4 i have a heart attack, melt down or whateva. I cant give u advise cause i dont have a clue myself but at the end of the day I know I tried. I will always love my mom, i will always be there for her but NOT in her house. And by the way, the bad mouthing u 2 everybody thing. Thats really out of ur control. U cant make that stop no matter how painful it is. U know in ur heart of hearts that u only want the best for them and they are afraid to admit that this is happening and refuse to let others think that they are slipping. But truth be told, those same ppl see them slipping and refuse to tell them because they know they are gonna be in the doghouse rite along with u. Keep doing what ur heart tells u 2 do but just remember that u are NOt alone.....Samara

Hello All!! Especially Pat, U are NOT alone. I havent posted in months but I stop by from time 2 time 2 check in and just remind myself that I am not alone with this either. This disease is horrible and frankly the worst experience of my entire life. So we all can relate on different levels. My situation is still the same, actually worse, who am I kidding, the verbal abuse I endure daily is out of freakn control.My mom has had 2 mild heart attacks since my last post. All which could have been avoided but she goes on these angry rants for weeks on end. The only break i get from her is when she is in the hospital but she calls 200 times a day demanding that I bring her salt, pepper, butter, hair dye,etc all things that she is resticted from and just plain 'ol does not need period. And when i didnt she started up screaming that I got men laying up in her house and she wants me and them out because she heard a mans voice..it was coming from the tv. But b4 she calmed down enough she had called me every derogatory name there is 2 call a female. Needless to say, i am losing weight.I lost 20 more pounds (I was always a big girl, almost 300 lbs, I'm down 2 197.Ppl I've known nearly all my life dont recognize me anymore and to tell the truth I dont recognize myself. I was happy and now i find myself being mean because I'm aggrivated ALL the time. I'm starting 2 realize that I cant handle this by myslef but when I look around there is nobody else. My mom will not give me Poa. She has 2 be in control. I'm 37 and she keeps askn me to sit down and talk about what I'm doing with my life...smfh. I wanna say catering 2 ur ungrateful ass all day but I would never. She does the angry thing like ur dad and its getting worse cause she is now wanting to hit me. I dont play those games. She swung at me the otha day, I blockd it, grabbed my baby and left. She thinks I'm a kid and refuses to let me participate in any conversation about her health with her doctors. So she still hasnt been diagnosed yet. The only thing i am allowed to participate in is paying bills..All i ever hear is bills, bills bills. She is like a inhouse bill collector. I pay all the utilites. She pays the mortgage, Yah, so i thaught. I open the door 2 find foreclosure paperwork stuffed in the screen door.GrrreeaaTT. But of course she stated that she paid. I dont wanna give up on her but I gotta get my son & myself outta here b4 i have a heart attack, melt down or whateva. I cant give u advise cause i dont have a clue myself but at the end of the day I know I tried. I will always love my mom, i will always be there for her but NOT in her house. And by the way, the bad mouthing u 2 everybody thing. Thats really out of ur control. U cant make that stop no matter how painful it is. U know in ur heart of hearts that u only want the best for them and they are afraid to admit that this is happening and refuse to let others think that they are slipping. But truth be told, those same ppl see them slipping and refuse to tell them because they know they are gonna be in the doghouse rite along with u. Keep doing what ur heart tells u 2 do but just remember that u are NOt alone.....Samara

PatAllAlone----very sad but it is obvious they both have dementia...sadly, I'm afraid you are going to have to get your mom away from your dad. You might be able to work with her. You could also see if she would give you POA for her at least so you can help with her medical care. Even though he loves her, he can not take care of her right at this point, he is so paranoid and really doesn't know what he is doing. Dementia can make a person very dangerous. My dad's wife couldn't live with him, he wouldn't let her do anything and watched every move she made. He would get very nasty to her too and kicked the dog which he would never do....I would suggest even before you get guardianship that you find a way to get her away if you could. She would have to agree. My dad was very paranoid with me before I got him to assisted care...he is so much "tamer" away from his home and it's not from medication, he is on the same things now as he was at home. He's getting them right now though...There also comes a time that it's not safe for a husband and wife to be together but it is very sad. Possibly when they are both getting care and taking the right medication they could stay together but I don't think your dad will ever accept you being in charge...my dad doesn't either, he thinks this is all the drs doing...and honestly he was not safe at home.

PatAllAlone----very sad but it is obvious they both have dementia...sadly, I'm afraid you are going to have to get your mom away from your dad. You might be able to work with her. You could also see if she would give you POA for her at least so you can help with her medical care. Even though he loves her, he can not take care of her right at this point, he is so paranoid and really doesn't know what he is doing. Dementia can make a person very dangerous. My dad's wife couldn't live with him, he wouldn't let her do anything and watched every move she made. He would get very nasty to her too and kicked the dog which he would never do....I would suggest even before you get guardianship that you find a way to get her away if you could. She would have to agree. My dad was very paranoid with me before I got him to assisted care...he is so much "tamer" away from his home and it's not from medication, he is on the same things now as he was at home. He's getting them right now though...There also comes a time that it's not safe for a husband and wife to be together but it is very sad. Possibly when they are both getting care and taking the right medication they could stay together but I don't think your dad will ever accept you being in charge...my dad doesn't either, he thinks this is all the drs doing...and honestly he was not safe at home.

Ive spent the better part of two days reading every post made from the past two years. I had no idea how prevalent this disease is and that it's reaches so far and broad. My husband is diagnosed with this curse, I call it a curse because that is exactly what it is. I was in desperate need of help and understanding of what was taking place in my life, now I have somewhat of an idea of what to expect. My problem was to argue with my spouse about sudden outrageous things he would accuse my of. Out of the blue. He would leave the room in one frame of mind and come back in a total different person!! I thank God for answering prayer and sending me this forum to build my strength for the future. God bless you all for your input and insight. You have helped me tremendously!

Ive spent the better part of two days reading every post made from the past two years. I had no idea how prevalent this disease is and that it's reaches so far and broad. My husband is diagnosed with this curse, I call it a curse because that is exactly what it is. I was in desperate need of help and understanding of what was taking place in my life, now I have somewhat of an idea of what to expect. My problem was to argue with my spouse about sudden outrageous things he would accuse my of. Out of the blue. He would leave the room in one frame of mind and come back in a total different person!! I thank God for answering prayer and sending me this forum to build my strength for the future. God bless you all for your input and insight. You have helped me tremendously!

Galowa, I have read your post they are so full of wonderful and thoughtful advice and sympathy. Thank you for the hug!!

Galowa, I have read your post they are so full of wonderful and thoughtful advice and sympathy. Thank you for the hug!!

Dear "home alone,"

You are most WELCOME! Pass the hugs around... We all need all the support we can get, regardless of how far down this rabbit hole we've traveled.

And do remember to take care of your SELF. No one else will.
(You can certainly count on THAT !)

Always,

Galowa

©suzannemcable.11.29.2011

Dear "home alone,"

You are most WELCOME! Pass the hugs around... We all need all the support we can get, regardless of how far down this rabbit hole we've traveled.

And do remember to take care of your SELF. No one else will.
(You can certainly count on THAT !)

Always,

Galowa

©suzannemcable.11.29.2011

I am so sorry for you. I can totally relate to your situation. My husband was diagnosed with dementia of the Alz. type 6 years ago. He was put on two medications and it has slowed the disease down. He is just now starting to show signs. The worse thing is how mean he is to me. He just talks to me awful. Cusses at me, calls me ugly names. He criticises everything I say and do. Last week one morning he wouldn't even let me in the den. He held the door shut and kept saying go away. You are not coming in here. Then he started making silly faces at me and acting silly. it was very hard for me not to take this personal. It hurts my feelings so bad and then I get upset with him. After this passes he starts acting nice again. I have had verbal abuse from him for years and now with it getting worse I find it harder and harder to stay around him. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster.

I am so sorry for you. I can totally relate to your situation. My husband was diagnosed with dementia of the Alz. type 6 years ago. He was put on two medications and it has slowed the disease down. He is just now starting to show signs. The worse thing is how mean he is to me. He just talks to me awful. Cusses at me, calls me ugly names. He criticises everything I say and do. Last week one morning he wouldn't even let me in the den. He held the door shut and kept saying go away. You are not coming in here. Then he started making silly faces at me and acting silly. it was very hard for me not to take this personal. It hurts my feelings so bad and then I get upset with him. After this passes he starts acting nice again. I have had verbal abuse from him for years and now with it getting worse I find it harder and harder to stay around him. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster.

Honeybabe, I cried when I read your post. I wish there was a way to get into the mind of a alz persons mind and see for oneself what is transpiring. But that is not in the realm of possibility. I miss the companionship of my husband. The one who use to make the decisions , do the important household things that needed doing. Now I have to make ALL decisions, examples i.e. furnace broke down(naturally, it's freezing weather) The house needs painting, The driveway is breaking up (concrete) and WHO do I can for all these things!!! Boy you learn to be self reliant real fast!! And theres the case of the ongoing denentia!!! He woke me up at 4:30 in the morning and said "open the curtains, it's time to get up!!" Then he comes in the room and says"I'm calling my lawyer tomorrow, I'm devorcing you, I'm tired of putting up with you!! and so on and so on.

Honeybabe, I cried when I read your post. I wish there was a way to get into the mind of a alz persons mind and see for oneself what is transpiring. But that is not in the realm of possibility. I miss the companionship of my husband. The one who use to make the decisions , do the important household things that needed doing. Now I have to make ALL decisions, examples i.e. furnace broke down(naturally, it's freezing weather) The house needs painting, The driveway is breaking up (concrete) and WHO do I can for all these things!!! Boy you learn to be self reliant real fast!! And theres the case of the ongoing denentia!!! He woke me up at 4:30 in the morning and said "open the curtains, it's time to get up!!" Then he comes in the room and says"I'm calling my lawyer tomorrow, I'm devorcing you, I'm tired of putting up with you!! and so on and so on.

I am dealing with a mother who is verbally abusive and highly critical of everything. She can find nothing good about anything.

I came to stay with her and started back to college just to get away from the house and get a break from her.

She is constantly saying I do nothing. (except moving 3 bedroom house when a bigger place was bought with too much acreage, painting both houses myself, running all the errands, doing the bulk of vacuming and cleaning, most of the lawn work - to include putting all the flower beds in for her, and constantly moving the house plants, some of which are real heavy, cooking when I can get her out of the way and find the utensils which are moved around weekly, etc.). I got chewed out for messing the oven up, something that she did when she was cooking something.)

She has 3 dogs, 3 cats, 3 birds, 3 tanks of fish....all of which are messy and untrained. There are bowls of animal food all over the house. Nope a couple isn't enough. That means cleaning up after them constantly. She also cooks for them and expects other people to cook enough for the animals. Brand new carpet....and the dogs are messing up because they are too lazy to go outside (there are pet doors). Litter boxes...to lazy to go outside. The bird cages are of the huge kind for parrots...not small birds, which she has.

She spends most of her time on facebook readng gossip and critizing people on there, and spreading her own gossip. She has nothing to talk about and refuses to go anywhere, though she has a new car.

She recently received an inheritence when her parents died. It is shocking the way she sits and shops on the computer. I know she has gone through $50,000 dollars in about 6 months...most of it on ridiculous things that she doesn't need (example: she ordered 2 Bose radios at $600 a piece - she already had one; new pans to replace the ones that weren't a year old; cotton turtle necks - 15 of them - and she doesn't like turtlenecks; 3 dvd recorders - she already had one exactly like the ones she ordered; 6 comforters for her bed - then went to town and bought 3 more. She has since bought 3 more.) This kind of thing goes on and my brother, who she worships, won't step in help me with the problem. He avoids coming around and lives about 80 miles away and fends work to avoid to avoid visiting her or dealing with any issues.

She wanted the filter cleaned on the washer one day when I was at classes. I walked in the door and she was screaming, saying I needed to be here to change the filter when she wanted it done. I asked her if it couldn't wait an hour until I got back, her answer was, "I don't care about you or your schedule. Mine is the one that matters."

To be here to help her out means NOT having any life outside of her demands. I gave up a life elsewhere and all my activities and friends to put up with this BS and abuse.

She needs some medication to control her aggression or something. She is obsessive about what she wants. She is also repeating and griping about the same over and over - even when it has been done.

Basically, I am sick of her pet mess and being expected to take care of all these nasty animals who she cares about more than people. No one wants to visit here because of them. She lets the animals walk on the kitchen counters when anyone is cooking...and actually feeds them on the counters.

She gripes because she needs more help....but she doesn't subtract things to make it easier, she adds to and gripes because someone else isn't taking care of it.

There is something severely wrong with this picture.

Frustrated

I am dealing with a mother who is verbally abusive and highly critical of everything. She can find nothing good about anything.

I came to stay with her and started back to college just to get away from the house and get a break from her.

She is constantly saying I do nothing. (except moving 3 bedroom house when a bigger place was bought with too much acreage, painting both houses myself, running all the errands, doing the bulk of vacuming and cleaning, most of the lawn work - to include putting all the flower beds in for her, and constantly moving the house plants, some of which are real heavy, cooking when I can get her out of the way and find the utensils which are moved around weekly, etc.). I got chewed out for messing the oven up, something that she did when she was cooking something.)

She has 3 dogs, 3 cats, 3 birds, 3 tanks of fish....all of which are messy and untrained. There are bowls of animal food all over the house. Nope a couple isn't enough. That means cleaning up after them constantly. She also cooks for them and expects other people to cook enough for the animals. Brand new carpet....and the dogs are messing up because they are too lazy to go outside (there are pet doors). Litter boxes...to lazy to go outside. The bird cages are of the huge kind for parrots...not small birds, which she has.

She spends most of her time on facebook readng gossip and critizing people on there, and spreading her own gossip. She has nothing to talk about and refuses to go anywhere, though she has a new car.

She recently received an inheritence when her parents died. It is shocking the way she sits and shops on the computer. I know she has gone through $50,000 dollars in about 6 months...most of it on ridiculous things that she doesn't need (example: she ordered 2 Bose radios at $600 a piece - she already had one; new pans to replace the ones that weren't a year old; cotton turtle necks - 15 of them - and she doesn't like turtlenecks; 3 dvd recorders - she already had one exactly like the ones she ordered; 6 comforters for her bed - then went to town and bought 3 more. She has since bought 3 more.) This kind of thing goes on and my brother, who she worships, won't step in help me with the problem. He avoids coming around and lives about 80 miles away and fends work to avoid to avoid visiting her or dealing with any issues.

She wanted the filter cleaned on the washer one day when I was at classes. I walked in the door and she was screaming, saying I needed to be here to change the filter when she wanted it done. I asked her if it couldn't wait an hour until I got back, her answer was, "I don't care about you or your schedule. Mine is the one that matters."

To be here to help her out means NOT having any life outside of her demands. I gave up a life elsewhere and all my activities and friends to put up with this BS and abuse.

She needs some medication to control her aggression or something. She is obsessive about what she wants. She is also repeating and griping about the same over and over - even when it has been done.

Basically, I am sick of her pet mess and being expected to take care of all these nasty animals who she cares about more than people. No one wants to visit here because of them. She lets the animals walk on the kitchen counters when anyone is cooking...and actually feeds them on the counters.

She gripes because she needs more help....but she doesn't subtract things to make it easier, she adds to and gripes because someone else isn't taking care of it.

There is something severely wrong with this picture.

Frustrated

Dear LKB724,

YOUR MOTHER is clearly MENTALLY ILL and requires professional help. Though I cannot for the life of me understand why you moved in with her in the first place, I would strongly urge you to MOVE OUT as soon as you possibly can.

AFTER you move out...

Contact Adult Protective Services (through your county) and request a "home check." A social worker will evaluate your mother's circumstances, needs, and options - at which point the social worker (AND your mother) may ask for your return. If you return to help at all, it should only be ON YOUR OWN VERY SPECIFIC TERMS - which must include a major shift in the focus of your efforts. (I'd also put your terms in a written contract and have your mother sign it.)

Keep in mind that there are many ways you can be "involved" in helping your mother without living with her. There should be no reason to subject yourself to the indignities associated with "living" under her roof. (She sounds like an absolute SHREW! Medication, however, will hopefully help with that...) All the same, "live-in" care should not be the only option you consider...

Caregiving IS extremely HARD WORK - of that there is no doubt. HOWEVER, there is a BIG difference between taking care of her THINGS and taking care of HER and her HEALTH!

What you are currently doing is NOT "caregiving."

It is SLAVERY...

(As I recall, this country fought a war to eliminate that particularly INHUMANE PRACTICE...)

THINK - and then ACT. FAST!

As always,

Galowa

;- )

©suzannemcable.01.15.2012

Dear LKB724,

YOUR MOTHER is clearly MENTALLY ILL and requires professional help. Though I cannot for the life of me understand why you moved in with her in the first place, I would strongly urge you to MOVE OUT as soon as you possibly can.

AFTER you move out...

Contact Adult Protective Services (through your county) and request a "home check." A social worker will evaluate your mother's circumstances, needs, and options - at which point the social worker (AND your mother) may ask for your return. If you return to help at all, it should only be ON YOUR OWN VERY SPECIFIC TERMS - which must include a major shift in the focus of your efforts. (I'd also put your terms in a written contract and have your mother sign it.)

Keep in mind that there are many ways you can be "involved" in helping your mother without living with her. There should be no reason to subject yourself to the indignities associated with "living" under her roof. (She sounds like an absolute SHREW! Medication, however, will hopefully help with that...) All the same, "live-in" care should not be the only option you consider...

Caregiving IS extremely HARD WORK - of that there is no doubt. HOWEVER, there is a BIG difference between taking care of her THINGS and taking care of HER and her HEALTH!

What you are currently doing is NOT "caregiving."

It is SLAVERY...

(As I recall, this country fought a war to eliminate that particularly INHUMANE PRACTICE...)

THINK - and then ACT. FAST!

As always,

Galowa

;- )

©suzannemcable.01.15.2012

Iagreewith you on this.We should not sacrifce our sleve for soebody who is knowingly &Cruelly hurting us.

Iagreewith you on this.We should not sacrifce our sleve for soebody who is knowingly &Cruelly hurting us.

I have read through most of these posts and have found alot of great advice.

My situation goes like this, my grandmother 88 and my grandfather 90 both have dementia. My grandfather is bed-ridden and have severe dementia and close to dying. My grandmother has recently been diagnosed with demntia and is in the denial phase.

I recently returned from a year long trip abroad where I met someone I want to spend my life with. My visa expired and he has not been able to get a visa to come here he was taking care of his grandmother who just recently died from cancer.

So, right when I returned home my father and aunt were going to put my grandfather into a retirement facility but I jumped in and said I will live with grandma and grandpa 24-7; cooking, cleaning, making sure the house doesn't burn down etc.....and in return this could be my job. Everyone was in agreement that this would be the best not permanently but untill I could return abroad.

It has been hard yes, but it also has been a greatly rewarding experience in my life listening to music from the 20's while my grandpa taps to the beats and my grandma and I dance little jigs.

So my grandfather is the most laid back guy, he just compleltely goes with the flow. I started out here with us all thinking I was taking care mainly of my grandpa....but my grandma in reality is the problem,she has to be in charge of everything, she is stubborn, to the point of being completely irrational at times. Its like she is Jekyl and Hyde. One minute sweet grandma listening to music, telling interesting stories, the next minute yelling and screaming because the bed is too close to a chair and it could scratch the wood.....or she goes into manic episodes repeats the same boring story about a woman that she met's sisters uncle who blah blah.... and she gets manic and wont eat and does laundry for 10 hours (something that would take me about 1 hour, when she wont let me do it) she pulls every piece of clothing out, inpects it, puts it in the dryer, drys the clothes for 5 minutes, takes each piece out to fluff....over and over, hence the 10 hours.....she has bad sciatica and is not suppose to lift or push anything, incuding a vacuum so when I am in the shower she goes out and gets the vaccum to clean.....I have been told just to let her do what she is going to do, there is nothing more the doctors, family, I can do to help her

With my grandpa saying "yankee doodle dandy" every other sentence and my grandma in her manias I feel I am in the nut house at times, which can be fun during the good times but is horrible when her mania turns on me and she thinks I am attacking her.

I have 5 more months untill I can get a visa to return abroad. I am sad to think about it because I want to be here for them, in these last years of life. It seems like my grandpa could go anytime as he is on hospice......I am basically the last resort she has before she is sent to a nursing home. I want to be here for her but at the same time she seems to be getting worse almost weekly and I think also that maybe a nursing home would be good because she loves to talk and can talk for hours upon hours straight if you let her.

By the time I leave it will be 10 months that I have lived with them, so I am only half way through. I guess I am looking at it as a countdown for both happy and sad reasons. Ideally we( my fiance abroad) and I would like to live here and take care of them (because he is so good with elderly too he took care of both his dying grandparents) but it is just impossible to make it work for many reasons involving processing times on immigration.

I guess I just feel pulled in both directions. My grandma says you are too young you need to be with your man who loves you so much. I know she is right, but it is so hard to think about leaving, and frusterating that the government is making this nearly impossible for us to be together here..... I guess all I have is day to day and 5 months is still a long time, especially with this disease since changes are happening on daily to weekly basis...

Thanks for all of the posts and for reading my post and any feedback, comments would be great!

I have read through most of these posts and have found alot of great advice.

My situation goes like this, my grandmother 88 and my grandfather 90 both have dementia. My grandfather is bed-ridden and have severe dementia and close to dying. My grandmother has recently been diagnosed with demntia and is in the denial phase.

I recently returned from a year long trip abroad where I met someone I want to spend my life with. My visa expired and he has not been able to get a visa to come here he was taking care of his grandmother who just recently died from cancer.

So, right when I returned home my father and aunt were going to put my grandfather into a retirement facility but I jumped in and said I will live with grandma and grandpa 24-7; cooking, cleaning, making sure the house doesn't burn down etc.....and in return this could be my job. Everyone was in agreement that this would be the best not permanently but untill I could return abroad.

It has been hard yes, but it also has been a greatly rewarding experience in my life listening to music from the 20's while my grandpa taps to the beats and my grandma and I dance little jigs.

So my grandfather is the most laid back guy, he just compleltely goes with the flow. I started out here with us all thinking I was taking care mainly of my grandpa....but my grandma in reality is the problem,she has to be in charge of everything, she is stubborn, to the point of being completely irrational at times. Its like she is Jekyl and Hyde. One minute sweet grandma listening to music, telling interesting stories, the next minute yelling and screaming because the bed is too close to a chair and it could scratch the wood.....or she goes into manic episodes repeats the same boring story about a woman that she met's sisters uncle who blah blah.... and she gets manic and wont eat and does laundry for 10 hours (something that would take me about 1 hour, when she wont let me do it) she pulls every piece of clothing out, inpects it, puts it in the dryer, drys the clothes for 5 minutes, takes each piece out to fluff....over and over, hence the 10 hours.....she has bad sciatica and is not suppose to lift or push anything, incuding a vacuum so when I am in the shower she goes out and gets the vaccum to clean.....I have been told just to let her do what she is going to do, there is nothing more the doctors, family, I can do to help her

With my grandpa saying "yankee doodle dandy" every other sentence and my grandma in her manias I feel I am in the nut house at times, which can be fun during the good times but is horrible when her mania turns on me and she thinks I am attacking her.

I have 5 more months untill I can get a visa to return abroad. I am sad to think about it because I want to be here for them, in these last years of life. It seems like my grandpa could go anytime as he is on hospice......I am basically the last resort she has before she is sent to a nursing home. I want to be here for her but at the same time she seems to be getting worse almost weekly and I think also that maybe a nursing home would be good because she loves to talk and can talk for hours upon hours straight if you let her.

By the time I leave it will be 10 months that I have lived with them, so I am only half way through. I guess I am looking at it as a countdown for both happy and sad reasons. Ideally we( my fiance abroad) and I would like to live here and take care of them (because he is so good with elderly too he took care of both his dying grandparents) but it is just impossible to make it work for many reasons involving processing times on immigration.

I guess I just feel pulled in both directions. My grandma says you are too young you need to be with your man who loves you so much. I know she is right, but it is so hard to think about leaving, and frusterating that the government is making this nearly impossible for us to be together here..... I guess all I have is day to day and 5 months is still a long time, especially with this disease since changes are happening on daily to weekly basis...

Thanks for all of the posts and for reading my post and any feedback, comments would be great!

Try to get your hands on a book called** The 36 Hour Day by Nancy Mace. it was a life saver for my in the beginning. Good luck!!

Try to get your hands on a book called** The 36 Hour Day by Nancy Mace. it was a life saver for my in the beginning. Good luck!!

Mom has all the symptoms of dimentia/alzheimer. Her Nurse Practioner refused to see it. She became a "friend" on Mom's Facebook. I don't know what Mom said to her in the office, but the next visit, when my son took her, the RNP told my son that she felt I was "abusing" Mom. Nothing could be farther from the truth! She is 83 now. I am 60. I have always been with her. It is difficult to see her like this. I am an LVN and work full time. It has been years since I've had any resemblance of a real life. No friends over, no going out, no mall walks, nothing...not even church. Mom doesn't want to leave the house with me. Yet, she has one friend who perhaps sees her one day a month. When this friend takes her out, she complains that I never take her anywhere. Go figure! I feel for everyone who has to deal with this. It is pure torture and tears your heart apart. Due to the stress, my hair has fallen out, I've lost 25lbs., had my gall bladder removed, and my blood pressure is inching upward. We must do what is best in the situation we are in, and still take care of ourselves. I say, let other's judge. God forbid, they may be in the same boat one day.

Mom has all the symptoms of dimentia/alzheimer. Her Nurse Practioner refused to see it. She became a "friend" on Mom's Facebook. I don't know what Mom said to her in the office, but the next visit, when my son took her, the RNP told my son that she felt I was "abusing" Mom. Nothing could be farther from the truth! She is 83 now. I am 60. I have always been with her. It is difficult to see her like this. I am an LVN and work full time. It has been years since I've had any resemblance of a real life. No friends over, no going out, no mall walks, nothing...not even church. Mom doesn't want to leave the house with me. Yet, she has one friend who perhaps sees her one day a month. When this friend takes her out, she complains that I never take her anywhere. Go figure! I feel for everyone who has to deal with this. It is pure torture and tears your heart apart. Due to the stress, my hair has fallen out, I've lost 25lbs., had my gall bladder removed, and my blood pressure is inching upward. We must do what is best in the situation we are in, and still take care of ourselves. I say, let other's judge. God forbid, they may be in the same boat one day.