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My mom was diagnosed with alzheimer's several years ago and begun on medication. She did ok and the progression was slow.About a year and a half ago, she had other health concerns and we had to stop all medications. Last spring, she asked me and my family to move in with her. We sold our house and moved 2 teenagers, 2 cats and me and my husband into her home. She was willing to allow us to change the bedrooms for the kids, and make the living room into our bedroom so she could keep her master bedroom. She said whatever it took, she was afraid to stay alone anymore. She has never admited to her diagnosis, and adamantly denies it. Now that we have sold a lot of our possessions and moved in, she is very possessive. She won't give up things that haven't been used in 50 years, but we have to get rid of a lot. After moving in, she changed her mind about changing things. The kids rooms couldn't be changed, painted, pictures or posters hung, etc, without major arguements. Now, the only thing I hear is how their rooms arent clean and why don't i do something about it. I am so tired. Their rooms are fine, they are a little cluttered, but are clean. She won't give us closet space for storage so we still have things sitting around in our bedroom, because there is nowhere to put it. We've learned to just walk around it, and its really not that bad. Yet she complains about our rooom, too. We now lock it every day. She was always a neat freak, and spent my childhood cleaning all the time. My father is the one that spent time with me. I was a single mom for a long time and had to do things differently and I put my children before housework. We want to paint my 15 year old's room a different color than white, and hang pictures, but she won't allow it. The house is in my name, and whenever we try to do something, she says I just want her house, and her money, and she'll just find somewhere else to live and get out of my way. She always starts arguments in the morning before I have to leave for work and she starts crying. Then she tells my husband about it, then my 20 year old son, about how mean I am. She makes us feel like it is definetly her house, and we are here to serve her. I feel guilty when I get upset with her, but I can't help it. We moved here instead of moving her to us because this is the family home and the house was larger than ours, and more easily adaptable. She tells me how wonderful my brother is because he's always outside working at his house. Of course, he's the one who wanted me here, and his kids are grown and gone. I guess I am just really frustrated and tired of being the bad guy. She can be so hurtful in what she says to me, and when she tells her friends about how mean I am. We cook and clean for her, do her laundry, fix her medicines, take her to her doctors appointments, and to her hair salon every week. All I do in my free time, is take her or my 15 year old somewhere. I also work full time. When I get home, I am tired. She wants me to be perfect, but I am not. I am just feeling so alone right now. She used to be fun to be around, and now she's hateful all the time. You have to watch what you say, or she takes it wrong. I don't know what I am asking from this, but I just need someone to say they understand, and maybe I am not the only one who's parent is so mean to them. I do care what people say about me, and it really bothers me that they think I moved here to get her stuff. We don't talk about the alzheimers, so most of her friends don't know the real story.
If I had been your mother, I would have prayed every day to die. I am glad she finally was at peace. But, am also sorry for the loss of the memory of the love you had shared. Charlotte
I received a hug from Kathy and the notice that she has a blog about AD. I found her site to be magnificent...if you want to see a lot of information, including parts you could copy and share with relatives that are not sharing the experiences of care giving...maybe prevent some falsely formed opinions by them.... www.KnowItAlz.com
Oh why did I not think of those words. "Unless you've walked in my shoes" that means so much, my siblings came by maybe once a month for the weekend to see my parents while I lived there with them in their last years, they saw nothing wrong, but when they were coming down, I would have to get everything ready, clean house, wash linens, bathe mom and cut her hair etc. I don't say "HAVE to" as if I resented it, because at the time, I was so thankful someone was coming to help, but they had no idea what it was like being there 24/7, and thier short weekend visits was no indication at all how they really were. They could put on a happy face for a day or two for anyone, but as soon as my siblings left to go home, the gossip and hatred started the minute they drove away.
My parents were sick and being a nurse I understood to seperate the person from the behavior. At least for the first year maybe two, they (my siblings) were a good support system and once even gave me nice Christmas Presents. But they never helped monetarily or in any way, I felt like I was helping them too because they had to work, I rationalized that my son was 25 and grown up enough, my husband and him were best friends and would be fine without me. I had felt led by God to do this, (not move in, but to care for them) because in the 80's I had gotten disabled and was still at least able to help the elderly people in my town. The word got around and I was in big demand, it was overwhelming so I employed my friends to help and taught them what to do, and things worked out real well. Everyone of my friends were some type of public servants and loved elderly people and caring for people.
When my parents got older to where they needed help it was the next logical step. Even my father said "Doesn't it seem like God has set this all up this way? Like you were meant to be here doing this?" and he is not a Godly man, so those words will always stay in my head and heart as I knew that was God's plan but would never have thought my father would have seen it that way.
After years of caring for them, paranoia and long held, childish, deep resentments of my siblings started coming out and one was so viscous that she had been gossiping to my fathers side of the family, all my aunts and uncles were treating me terrible and turned so cold, I lost my sister who was always my best friend, my brothers who have lived with me on and off my whole life because of the trouble they were always getting into, and I thought I could help them. My whole family was manipulated into turning against me. The one most important thing you need when caregiving is a support system.
Thank God for you guys and this website. I am finally feeling like I can get out of this defensive mindset, my brain always thinking of the false accusations of so many people my sister has whined to and lied to about me. I'm so tired of defending myself against lies, they took the will that I had been executor of for 20 years without anyone caring. I don't care about any material things, I am angry that I could not take care of mom right before she died because I was still so sickly and my husband didn't want to spent another couple years trying to 'fix' me after my father's constant belittling and soul wrenching hate towards me as I was trying to help my mother.
God bless you all and I hope one day I can put things into words that will be able to help you instead of me still venting and living in this hell that is my family.
Sorry Dear, that this all happened and caused you so much emotional pain. The things others do to us at times are really hard to understand.Take care, Charlotte
Awwww, I am blushing, but that was nice of you two to say. Made me feel real good. I try to be aware of and care for the feelings of others, but hubby is making it read tough lately. I think he is really scared, and that he notices things he can no longer think straight about, or jobs that he cannot readily replain, and he panics....then it as if he fires the shotgun, and its gotta be a piece or two that hits me hard...I am getting a bit more scared though,. He is probably just now entering the middle stage, or late part of the first stage...and I think more often now what I am losing, and what I will next loose. I am not as in a good physical shape as he....Will I be able to care for him until he is really ready for a home???? I find my strong defensive shield has some little cracks in it...try to stay busy with things that make my mind work on other things.....but every one in a while...........who knows what the future holds???
Yes I know what you are feeling, I have been with my mom for 51/2 years. I seen her go down hill. She has sai she is gion gto hit mr , and everthing is my fault. I have no freinds and can barely leave the house. She is very mean, and I can not reason with her. I have 3 brothers whneigho just can't get or choose not to. I have let all her freinds and neighbors know I had to, she has been so out of controle. This is so tirering.
Try to get a thing that you like and indulge yourself a bit. Sometimes for me, it is a hot, I mean hot, bubble bath in which I lie with a book. Once in a great while I take a glass of wine with me (I wrote whine there!!! Can't believe it, that was a Freudian slip...) and simply lay there in deep water ........the book helps me think of something else for at least a little while. Maybe making yourself an ice cream sundae,and eating it alone on the back porch...sounds silly maybe , but it makes you feel like you once again for at least a few minutes, We all need to have a way to gather some strength back. I hope your mother in just in a stage where this is a symptom, and that she advances further where she has less aggression....I hope the same for my husband.
I am pretty sure that that is one of the symptoms. The brains cells there can be affected just like the others, but I think that one notices the lack of the ability to smell only if the rest of the brain still has enough cells that are working well together. My SIL had surgey for a brain tumor. non malignant thank God,At any rate, the part of the brain that can detect smells, is gone, he Can't taste either due to smell and taste being so involved ....but he still swears he can, and he is a pastor so he is not lieing.. He remembers what vinegar for example tastes like, so if he eats a salad, his memory helps him "taste" the vinegar, same with some other strong tastes...so I guess memory and sense of taste and such definitely can interact in AD.
Though I know there are certain behaviors to expect it is how to handle the ones That come out out of left field. Today, as we were sitting in our livingroom conversing with my son and daughter-in-law, my husband spread his legs out and started to caress himself between his legs. I was not sure if he was aware of what he was doing or not. So, I ask him to get up and shut a screen door to distract him. As soon as he returned to his chair he spread his legs again and rubbed himself with both hands.Thid happened each time he returned to his chair. My daughter-in-law was breast feeding our grandbaby, covered completely. I watched as he just kept staring at her. He finally noticed I was watching him and he smiled raised hie eyebrow and turned to keep watching. Yes he was still touching himself. Now, I am at a complete loss as what to do. He stopped havinga physical relationship with me after the 4 month of marraige claiming he had no interest and his Doc told him he normal for a guy his age. Then more and more excusses. if I talk to him he will either claim to have not done it or "don't remeber" doing it. Either way he will become very agitated. It is the first time our visitors left rapidly as though she was uncomfortable. I am not sure if she noticed his behaviour or not. WHAT DO I DO! One more thing, he wore the same clothes everyday for almost 20 days around the house without cleaning them. His new clothes around the housenow is going on day 5. He seems to wear the same socks for about a month. Yet he showers.
Oh, I have heard of this type of behavior a lot as one of the symptoms of AD.. But how to get them to change clothes...etc. I did read one response where the caregiver called in help from outside.....like people from nursing home plans. For some reason they seemed to be able to "demand" that the person comply with their requests...Do you have outside professional help available for this sort of encounter? Hopefully you have some resources.. Wishing you the best, Charlotte
I found this elsewhereand it sounds simple and straightforward.
Sexually inappropriate behavior, such as masturbating or undressing in public, lewd remarks, unreasonable sexual demands, even sexually aggressive or violent behavior, may occur during the course of the illness. Remember, this behavior is caused by the disease. Talk to the doctor about possible treatment plans. Develop an action plan to follow before the behavior occurs, i.e., what you will say and do if the behavior happens at home, around other adults or children. If you can, identify what triggers the behavior.
Dear, dear draksky...I really have to ask you this. Why are you still with this man when you have only been with him for such a short period of time? I know this may sound harsh to you and to others (Isuggest they read your profile) but this should not be your burden to bear.
At this point I have no where to go or no income. I retired at his request a couple of years ago ( before the diagnosis) and all my certs are now expired. I owned a successful Barber Shop in town for 15 years,almost 30 years altogether with the other one, was and EMT IV certified and at one time a wildland firefighter type II. Now though I posses those skills i would need to either re-cert or become schooled all over again. I retire because he wanted me to home scholl my kids which fortunatly has increased the GPA and which helps them to be motivated. It makes for very long days. I am not sure though I have no influence on his money situation will I be held responsible for his debt? He claims this is HIS house since he is the only one that works. We bought it after we were married. Will I be held accountable for his IRS problems? I guess it is were to go and how to survive. Unless I am eligable for maintenece there is no way any regular pay will cover any new bills. Since there is no income it would be hard to get utilities in my name let alone the internet to teach my kids. Bills for the car to be fixed etc.....I live very modestly and do not beleive in bigger better or more. I just want to be comfortable in a comfortable home and enough money to pay bills plus a little extra in case. Here is the worst part, I have recently been diagnosed with a spot on my lung which they claim to not know what it is alone with hypothyroid and other issues that are ,at present, uninsurable with any new insrance.....
I'm going to be very blunt - my first reaction is to take you and shake the crap out of you. But, please, understand this is just me. If these are decisions you made together, than I will respect that.
Depending on the state you're in, you will most likely be held responsible for debts WHILE you sre married. Generally you are not responsible for debts he incurred PRIOR to marriage - though some creditors may try to disregard that. That could mean that even if your name is not on the house you could be liable for the debt on the house since it was purchased after marriage. Unless you divorce him and stiplulate what exactly is his and what his liability is - including the IRS - you could be in a world of hurt.
The new health care bill that went into effect last month provides for insurance regardless of preexisting conditions, but you have to check the state you are in. Some won't offer unless you have been without insurance for 6 months, and the premiums may be too expensive. Check with your state Department of Human Services or Health and see what they have to offer.
Women with dependant children can get aid (financial and medical) in nearly every state, however, expect work provisions, but don't expect help as long as you stay with your husband and he has finances.
I'll give you a big hug here and say as gently as I can...you will have to change your paradigm about what is comfortable and weigh financial, emotional, mental health for you and your children regardless of what you decide.
Be the change you want to see - that's from Ghandi, and I'll second that.
Hi my name is Connies51 and a very worn out person. My mother and husband has alz and parkinsons. My mother is very difficult at times, my husband isn't too bad but has alot of health problems that is getting worse. I come from a family of 11 brothers and sisters. I had one brother who passed away in 2003, then my dad in 2004, six months later and everybody thinks I should not have a life but they all should. If I didn't have my oldest daughter I would have went over the deep end. Besides that we are dealing with my suicidal brother. I have 2 daughters and my oldest was a real blessing from heaven even though I love my other daughter dearly she has health issues also./ My daughter and I don't know what to do cause my siblings make us feel guilty for any discions that we make. I can't even enjoy my grandchildren or the rest of my husbands lives. Does anyone have any suggestions
My mom can't smell either. She hasn't for awhile now.She doesn't even smell her own body odor
This was in reply to the first post I saw, it said whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but taking care of two parent's one with a stroke and one with alzheimers, almost killed me.
If you start getting weak go to a doctor. I learned in nursing school about caregivers burnout, never thought it could happen to me. But I didn't see what was happening, kinda like a forest for the trees type of thing. Mom and dad were so bad off that my little broken foot, bleeding ulcers, and thyroid toxicity would have to wait a little longer, 3 years later I was close to dead.
Finally went home and got things fixed but it has taken 2 years, my mom died while i was gone, if I'd taken care of it when it was first happening I could have been with her and not lost everything because I thought I was superwomen. God Bless You all for your giving service and love that keeps you doing this.
When they are gone, all these things will seem so minuscule. Don't let yourself feel guilt, and if you start getting angry at your parents, take a long enough break away to pull yourself back together. My father is still alive but won't talk to me , he blames me for my mother's death.
Even though I know it isn't true, I feel that way too.
Quick response, "Listen to your OWN thoughts..? What you are taking care of and doing is worthwhile and only you know how true that is. They do't know and if they are not in your shoes they don't even know what they MIGH do in the same circumstances... Just keep on doing what you think is right...I am sorry for your losses. I lost a son in 207 and another one is dieing now...so I am familiar with loss. Take care, The Germans, I live in Germany, say keep your ears stiff...that is sort of keep your chin up.
What they feel as long as what your doing to help your famaly does not distrupt their lives than they do not care about yours. When my mom lived with me (7 years) it was the same thing. She would go to the hospital, I would call for help and they ignored the calls. At the time I was a single mother with two small kids and owned a small business so all night ER visits turned into no sleep for me. Yet here I had a sis that lived about 15 miles away who's children were grown and gone, was out of a job for a long while, and would not help me. She went a whole year without a visit or a call. She went as far as to tell my mom I never told her. Mom knew better cause she was either right there and my cell phone bill showed it. FInally, I told my family I was selling my hime and they needed to help mom. It was not until three day before I moved out they even beleived me. I told them I needed a life with my kids and they were now responsible for her. Well, it went from no one helping, or calling, or visiting to me being the monster whoo kicked mom to the street. Now, 6 years later they get it. Unfortunatly I am stuck with a husband whom is now sick and hopefuly his family is a bit more supportive than mine.
Again, my husband is...well.....touching himself as he sits watching TV. I am beginning to think he is not aware of what he is doing. Does anyone have any suggestions as how I can approach this with him. His Doctor refuses to speak with me so he is of no help. Also, before we married he made me fill out a government form that was about 30 pages with about 40 -45 questions.He claimed at the time I needed to fill it out so he could hand it in to military security. He claimed they needed to investigate my background and give him the OK to marry me. Though I thought it to be strange it took two days to fill it out.Recently his son (whom I love dearly) is filling out the same form. He talked to me and even made fun of how much information they needed from me. Today he claimed that it never happened, He was nasty, agitated and cruel with what he was saying. My mother, ex co-worker and ex-husband remember how frusterating it was to fill out. Now I am concerned it was not needed but his way of using his job at the time to investigate my history and background. My biggest concern is if it was not needed and he did not hand it in to the security check as he claimed then what did he do with the information. He is now claiming he knows nothing about it. To make it clear I had to go through a FBI fingerprint backgroud checks for my EMT certification along with a background check to volunteer with the Sherifs Dept wildland fire crew and Sheriffs Citizens Academy. So, there has never been anything to hide. What hurts the most is he was talking to me about a week ago like it was yesterday and all of a sudden he claims to not remember. Is he faking it or is this desease really that bad and memory loss can happen with a snap of a finger?
Dear D-sky3,
It really IS that bad... My mother, 83, will FLASH her bare breast in a public place, laugh, and then run and hide. Needless to say, we don't take her out among people anymore.
When my sons were preschoolers, and even a little older, they would sometimes fondle themselves while engrossed in television or a video. All I had to do was go over and ask if there was something wrong, and "did they need help with it..." Of course, they were mortified!
Your husband is probably NOT aware. But your HUSBAND is ALSO - incapable of new learning - or even being "trained." If I were in your situation, I would get him some squeeze toys or some "manly" training items for hand strengthening, and I'd keep them in a basket near his TV chair.
Always,
Galowa
©suzannemcable.9.8.2010.
I am sorry, but suddenly , after thinking "What a good idea!" I though of using a squeaky toy and started laughing.. I just had this vision of his sitting there with an elongated squeaky toy like my dog loves..Oh well, sorry... I do think that is a great idea however. Then you could point out the benefits of the manly squeeze hand grips for his muscles, or the fun aspects of a fuzzy wuzzy type toy. I still like them too.
Dear D-sky3,
In consideration of Charlotte's comments (naughty, NAUGHTY Charlotte...,) the squeeze toy CAN be any shape (or SIZE) you choose. However, I strongly urge you to avoid toys that do SQUEAK, as, in addition to everything else you endure, that might just lead YOU to homicide!
The items I am thinking about are often used for stress relief and come in a wide variety of designs and materials. However, you might have the best luck searching the web for "hand strengtheners," such as "flexbar" and other "isokinetic handheld exercisers" which are also more likely to provide the resistance he needs to be sufficiently - satisfied.
BoyohBoy do I REALLY wish you luck on this one. Count your blessings that it hasn't occurred to him to follow up this activity with any moves on YOU! By the way, does he still work? (Nah - how could he?) How in the world would he hold down a job?
Always,
Galowa
ps Items in quotations marks, "...", are searchable on the internet using those exact phrases. (also on amazondotcom.) Next time we will discuss the issue of custom muzzles... for that special "whatever" in your life that just doesn't "get" when it's time to "PUT-A-SOCK-IN-IT !"
©suzannemcable.9.8.2010.
Dear Galowa, of course you are totally right about the squeaky type toy...but you reminded me of a stress type ball that used to be sold especially for some mentally retarded youth in a the research center where I worked
The ball was soft, with several little protrusions ..so that the kids could squeeze the ball or mess around with the protrusionsd.
. Nowadays they use similar materials, at least here in Germany, to make fake hand full size balls that look like a breast. The feeling when squeezing this ball is soothing, it does not require the strength that the hand strengtheners do, which also relieves a lot of frustration and anger..but it is soothing. Perhaps both type of "toy" would be good to have, as he changes his feelings or his moods ?? I don't mean especially the breast, but the type of ball...
My Mom is 91-years old. We have been living with her condition for about 7 years now. I have one brother and 2 sisters. One of my sisters was helping me care for Mom but when her daughter had a baby she told me that she would not be caring for Mom anymore. The other sister and brother were not helping at all. I reached out to them several times and finally they said they would help. I take Mom to a day-care-center 3-days a week. My brother takes her one day and my sister the other. I have her every evening and weekends. Mom gets bored and wants to see my brother or sisters. I would like to take her for visits but I can't get a hold of anyone. She become very aggitated and it so hard for me to deal with her at these times. I keep asking for help from my family but I'm lucky I get the help that I do. Mom has berrible sundown syndrome...all the classical issues. I was feeling so alone but now that I have read the postings I feel I'm not alone. I lost the love of my life on November 29, 2008. Through that loss I have found prayer. That keeps me going day by day and some times hour by hour. For those of you who believe in God...My God bless you all.
My husband has LBD and has had no sense of smell for years. --Pat
it brings tears to my eyes after reading your experience with your mom...i am having the same experience...the hateful words and actions are out of control and i don't know what to do....there is alot of stress in my life now and i am all alone.
Dear justlikeu, (and other dears...)
We will outlast this ugly horror - YOU will outlast it.
Though at times it may seem otherwise, IT cannot go on forever!
WHY?
BECAUSE WE - You and I - POSSESS THE POWER TO STOP IT!
I am NOW personally committed to finding alternate care for my mother. (Yes, she has other children, but when it comes to her care - I'm an "only child" except for the considerable help my husband provides.) For a long time I have resisted the idea of finding alternate care - but I have now come to understand the source(s) of my RESISTANCE... And they are LEGION.
My RESISTANCE, (so I've always told myself,) is about: duty, compassion, obligation, "love" (sometimes,) commitment, and heaven only knows what else...
My RESISTANCE, (as I now understand it,) is REALLY about:
(in no particular order)
INERTIA n. [Latin, idleness, from iners, inert-, inert.]
- Physics. The tendency:
a) to resist acceleration; or
b) to continue in a straight line motion unless acted on by an outside force.
- Resistance to move, act on, or change: the inertia of an entrenched situation. (...whatEVER)
*EXHAUSTION after YEARS of CAREGIVING (for my former, and current, abuser, no less,)
*DREAD of all the EXTRA WORK required to make it happen,
*WORRY about "LOSS OF CONTROL" (a common issue for "abused children,")
*WORRY about finances,
*WORRY about NOT BEING SURE WHERE TO START,
*WORRY about my mother's SAFETY,
*WORRY about my being RESPONSIBLE if something happens to her,
*GUILT over ABANDONING MY RESPONSIBILITY to my mother,
*GUILT over ABANDONING my mother,
*FEAR of what PEOPLE WILL THINK, (or say)
*FEAR of BEING JUDGED,
*FEAR of my MOTHER's reaction,
*FEAR of "GOD,"
*SHAME over FAILURE to care for her until her death,
*A combination of miscellaneous feelings of EXHAUSTION, DREAD, WORRY, GUILT, FEAR, SHAME, FAILURE and, of course, INADEQUACY…
So… One might ask, what happened - or changed - to make me ABLE to decide that I, "Galowa," would NOW move along and make a COMMITMENT to the "outplacement" of my miserable, and misery-causing live-in "client" (Mom...)?
GOOD QUESTION.
As an abused child, I was always full of "EXHAUSTION, DREAD, WORRY, GUILT, FEAR, SHAME, and, of course, INADEQUACY…"
Remarkably enough, as a grown-up "abused child," I feel NO DIFFERENT!
THE THINGS WHICH HAVE HELD ME BACK from "OUTPLACING MY MOTHER" - and are HOLDING ME BACK "IN MY LIFE" NOW, are the same things THAT HAVE ALWAYS HELD ME BACK - EXHAUSTION, DREAD, WORRY, GUILT, FEAR, SHAME, FAILURE and, of course, INADEQUACY…
I suddenly realized I was NEVER going to "get over MYSELF" (and the MONSTROUS LIST of my personal fears) until I DECIDED to push myself to "get over it" - and COMMITTED to doing so. If I didn't, my mother's negativity - exaggerated and MAGNIFIED by her Alzheimer's - was going to destroy my life, and my marriage and family, to boot...
So… that is my project, goal, and commitment. Today is Saturday, 30 October. I hope to have her OUT THE DOOR and newly settled (or nearly so,) SOMEPLACE ELSE- by 15 January.
THANK YOU ALL - for your love and support.
Always,
Galowa
; - )
©suzannemcable.10.30.2010.
I applaud you for taking the responsibility to yourself. If we do not treat ourselve well first or put our emotional well being a top priority, we are in a sense abanding us. WHy do so many people feel they "have " to sacrifice themselves to take care of someone who abuses them and stil expects them to take care of them? I know there are those who do it becaus eof once having a loving caring relationship with the patient. But those of us whom have been emotionaly abused by the pateaint, should not feel any guilt of wanting to be free from it.
Just watching others who are going through the same challenges made me feel like there is help and that we are NOT ALONE! A site www.programsforelderly.com/documentaries-memory.php has a bunch of them where I spent an hour on and ended up feeling so much better. Watching how others dealt with the same things is worth the time.
my mom is getting meaner and meaner too. I just let her be, and try to stay out of her way. She used to throw herself on the floor, but does not no more. I live with her, and I know it is the illness, even though she broke my glasses, and tries to hit me when I am near. I walk away till she calms down, She throws food, or spits it out, I put a sheet of painters plastic sheeting on the floor, easier for the floor, at least, to be cleaner. As soon as I can find a place that will take a person like her, she will be in it, and for her own safety too. Mom is stubborn, and wants her way, dr is aware of it,too. I deal with it, and stay away when she is in this mood, but is getting more quieter and it is easier to deal with her.I love her, but I don't want to be a hitting bag for her. Prayers for Katsmom, and hugggggggs too,
Her friends, your friends they know her disease You don't need to defend yourself if they knew you before your Mom got sick. It's hurtful to you because you are trying so hard and getting nowhere. You won't get anywhere either. It has to be enough just knowing that you are doing your best for her. Otherwise you'll work yourself into such a frinzy you'll drive your husband and kids back. You and your family have made a great sacrafice just by moving away from your home, probably your happy home to help her. You came to some terms that were agreeable. I would hold her to those terms like it or not, remember them or not. You owe it to yourself and to them. Your Mom will just have to live with it. I'd change that living room into a bedroom and by all means I would paint your son's room the color of his choice. And take those pictures off his wall. That is her life not his. He needs to surround himself with things that are meaningful to him. Not her yesteryears. It's not fair if you don't. It sounds like your Mom is manipulating. Her mind was ok to lure you back home and whatever it would take to get you there. HOLD HER TO IT. Just do it. She's going to rant and rave about something anyway. So what if it's about the changes you've made THAT SHE AGREED ON. At least the changes get done! When she asked you back home it became your home too. And it became your husbands and childrens. It's give and take. When I moved in with my Mom I gave up everything I had. There was no room for my things and storage in a beach community is outragous. My Mom's house is like a glass museum filled with display cabinets filled with collectable porcelin figurines crystal, minitures and so on. Her floors looked like glass and WHITE CARPET! The first thing she did was let the house keeper go. She became rude to me in front of visitors, insulting me and talking and treating me as if I just crawled out of a cardboard box. She gave out lavish gifts and not even a birthday card to me. I wasn't looking for gifts. I became a slave, I mean slave to her house and when I wasn't scrubbing something I was taking her to and from chemo, Dr.s, hospital scans, lab. Almost every single day we had an appointment somewhere. Then the shopping and cooking, laundry, run and get me's, there's a sale at wherever. Always having me shop for someone else. People who never even came to see her. And to boot I have RA. My hands just can't take that kind of work anymore. I finally broke down sobing one day and told her I just can't do this anymore. Not and take care of her too. She never said another word about her house. I focused on her and we both started enjoying the simple things again, together. I was with her for 31/2 years and most of that time I had no help with her at all. My sister came out to help me in July. Our Mom passed away this past October 20th. I miss her terribly. And you know what? I'm still in her house for now and it's a mess! Don't let her make you miserable. Take care of yourself and your family. Does she have someplace she can live? If she keeps threatening to go, well........think about it.
booda dear booda....I, too, have no friends and no real help...except for one. She was hired to help me clean house...she turned into an Angel.
I could not pay her much for the cleaning...way below normal wages, but she was also a bit needy, so she took the few hours I had to offer her..
I have a hard time getting up too....arms and legs are like lead. Hubby is already up, has usually taken the dogs out, but I don't hear him get out of bed...too dead tired myself.. I also just lost my youngest son...age 51, lung cancer, but 3 years ago, also lost my oldest son...54...kidney and heart problems. Now, I have lost my old husband, and this new AD hubby, is no so nice as the old one, so I feel I am lost him too.
BUT I still have me...and I like me and the way I have held up underadversity...you must have done a pretty good job or else you would not be so very very tired yet.............please hold on...take care of you....
wow, seems like we were in this together all this past year. I have been scrolling through memory lane, on these posts and remembering all the feelings with Mom. I miss her so much. But I am thankful that God stepped in and saved us both, when it was too much. I have no other family now. They were strangers when Mom needed them and they still are now. May you all be lead to the right place and situation for you and your loved ones. One day you will know in your heart that they do and did love us. I promise. May you all have a safe and blessed New Year. In memory of Mom.
dr's don't care no one wants to deal with Alzheimers it is very sad, I personally am going to see a lawyer I know they must have some rights with better csare not one Alzheimers "assisted living " takes medicaid they get away with it because they arn't called nursing homes and regular nursing homes won't talke Alzheimers patients
My husband has done the same with most friends and family. With his abusiveness, lies and alienation no one whats to be involved. No one expresses any concern for his situation, especialy his sisters or children. It is like they think if they ignore it, it will go away. Things just keep get worse and worse. Now on the other hand, my children and I statred attending a local church and through the love of new friends and unbelievable support for who we are as individuals, dealing with my husbands issues has become a bit easier. I am learning its not me its him that has the desease and I need to live a healthy happy life since I can not control his decline and denile. Our friends are not bothered by his abusive language, mood changes and such....they stop by anytime they are near and sit with us even if it is for 15 minutes just let us know they are thinking of us. I guess with thier support I can better handle all the disapoinments from my husbands behavior. Now, with all that in mind, I still do not plan on taking care of him when the time comes...... after only 3 1/2 years of a misserable marriage I do not feel obligated to tend to him if he can not take care of himself. WHen did taking care of ones selfesteme first became a bad thing?
I can sure understand your feelings. My hubby is verbally abusive now too, from his fear, lack of understanding and ignorance. He has not many choices on how he can react. His early life prevents him totally from willingly submitting to the disease, and he also has no one else...his daughter cannot and does not want to take over. I will not be able to care for hm when it is real bad either.Physical problems with me will prevent that. It is difficult, but then I remember how it was, when it was good. Why we wanted to marry in the first place and so on...I will do for him as long as I can, then he will have to go into a home. I wonder if your husband was in the early early stages when you met and married him. I can now, with hindsight it is easier to see things....but I now know that it is already over 4 1/2 years since he showed a first symptom....and we did not recognize a problem existed at all. It took over 2 years before I began to think that something was wrong..
Ok, so here is the update. My children and I gothome from church on Sunday andmy husband had moved out. No warning, no mention of it and no information to where he is or with who or what he is doing. He took a desktop computer, clothing and three coffee mugs. He called me long enough to say he was not interested in family and he took everything he wanted and the rest was mine. He also started talking about things that never happened (irrational behavior)Last week he overdosed our dog with medication becaus ehe forgot (so he said) he talked with the vet and did not thinK to read the perscription, look at the extr large red writing and could not remember me reminding him. He became very angry with himself caus eal the proof of having had the knowledge there. He claim he was frightened cause his problem is now risking the life of a pet. Saturday he folded wash clothes but did not remember where they went. I am not sure if anyone is helping him or not but if someone is they must not be aware yet of his diagnosis. What legal rights do I have to find him and have him ordered to get evaluated. I do not think he is no longer capable of rational though and appropriate choices......
Alzheimers people do not know that they are being mean or hurt full, they are just anxiety ridden, the best approach is to be calm and to get the dr to perscribe a higher dose of serquil. My mom just got into hospice yesterday and she is declining rapidly, I am glad I get to keep her at home and help make her comfortable, she fell out of bed before Christmas and hit her head after that it was a whole new ball game.she could no longer walk or eat hold a cup as she was just doing the day before, I think back at all the fights we got into mostly because I didn't know how to react I was still thinking there was some logic to this, but I always found that being calm rubbing their back and changing the subject was best, Hospice has been great taking a load off of me, Alzheimers is a terminal illiness and I would of called them sooner had I thought about that.Good luck to you all it is a longggggggggggg weary rough road.God Bless
I keep reminding myself that they don't mean a lot of what they say, AND that they really can't even think about what the other person may feel....they don't put two things together and react logically. My hubby must have swiped his debit card with the wrong number a few times and his card was shut down. He screamed at me that I had shut down his ability to get at HIS (our) money and that I was the biggest liar alive, that I was only here because I wanted his money..(I earned twice his salary) that he never wanted to look at me again, that he wanted to move out as soon as the snow was melted, and he could find an apt that would allow him to take our two dogs....that hurts.
Charlotte
If ONLY we caregivers could forget everything our "demented ones" cannot remember well enough to forget... that would help lessen our hurt.
My mother beat me up the night before last, then started screaming for help... Now that is something I could happily forget.
After spending Christmas Eve in the ER, I slowly but steadily push forward with my efforts to settle the legalities and finances - and put her in a home. She says she won't go and that I don't have the power to put her there (wrong!) but, no matter. She will create her own reality wherever she is. All I care about is that she (and her poisonous disease) are no longer in my house.
Yesterday would not be soon enough...
Happy New Year,
Galowa
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