Father Deteriorating... Mother Sole Caregiver... How to Help?
My father has been diagnosed with dementia for over 2 years, and in these two years, his symptoms have worsened considerably. I live 500 miles away and try to help from afar as much as possible. My mother is his sole caregiver and deals with the stress of him taking his anger out on her all the the time. He has become verbally abusive toward her, constantly yelling at her. (I suspect he has been physically abusive, too, but my mother denies it.) When he is not in this state, he spends days in bed, crying and depressed. His doctors do little other than order additional tests that take several months to schedule.
Lately, he has become obsessed with his "disappointment" in me. Over Christmas, he expressed this "disappointment" by becoming angry and physically confrontational -- yelling at me, punching me, and essentially insisting that I leave his house. I left, and have only spoken to him once since. My speaking with him set off his obsession again. He constantly talks about it, which is driving my mother crazy. Now, I do not feel that I can visit my parents -- or take my two teen children there -- because of his behavior.
My mother, for her part, insists on taking everything on herself and will not seek outside help or support, even though my sister and I have referred her to providers in her area.
My sister and I are at the end of our ropes. Any advice is appreciated.
Father Deteriorating... Mother Sole Caregiver... How to Help?
My father has been diagnosed with dementia for over 2 years, and in these two years, his symptoms have worsened considerably. I live 500 miles away and try to help from afar as much as possible. My mother is his sole caregiver and deals with the stress of him taking his anger out on her all the the time. He has become verbally abusive toward her, constantly yelling at her. (I suspect he has been physically abusive, too, but my mother denies it.) When he is not in this state, he spends days in bed, crying and depressed. His doctors do little other than order additional tests that take several months to schedule.
Lately, he has become obsessed with his "disappointment" in me. Over Christmas, he expressed this "disappointment" by becoming angry and physically confrontational -- yelling at me, punching me, and essentially insisting that I leave his house. I left, and have only spoken to him once since. My speaking with him set off his obsession again. He constantly talks about it, which is driving my mother crazy. Now, I do not feel that I can visit my parents -- or take my two teen children there -- because of his behavior.
My mother, for her part, insists on taking everything on herself and will not seek outside help or support, even though my sister and I have referred her to providers in her area.
My sister and I are at the end of our ropes. Any advice is appreciated.
Usually, anger is a manifestation of fear, pain or not feeling well. When my father gets agitated and abusive, I try to calm him by diversion (change the subject, ask what they want for dinner, etc)and then tell him how safe he is and how I am going to make sure he stays safe. I know how hard it is to ignore abuse, especially if you dealt with it in his "normal" past, but your father is a new person every day. He is no longer the father you remember. It is very difficult to not react like you would to the "old" father, but think of him as a stranger who is disabled.
There are many resources online to give you helpful hints on diversion, dealing with anger, etc. Read all you can and try every suggestion, you will find something that works in your case.
This disease is relentless. Don't let it take your family away, try to find a way to change the behavior. Join a local support group to find others near you who can give you good suggestions.
We started to help my Mom by giving her housecleaning services. Then we slowly introduced shower assistance. The just moved into an independent living facility and things are going well. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and it does not need to be a freight train coming :)
Usually, anger is a manifestation of fear, pain or not feeling well. When my father gets agitated and abusive, I try to calm him by diversion (change the subject, ask what they want for dinner, etc)and then tell him how safe he is and how I am going to make sure he stays safe. I know how hard it is to ignore abuse, especially if you dealt with it in his "normal" past, but your father is a new person every day. He is no longer the father you remember. It is very difficult to not react like you would to the "old" father, but think of him as a stranger who is disabled.
There are many resources online to give you helpful hints on diversion, dealing with anger, etc. Read all you can and try every suggestion, you will find something that works in your case.
This disease is relentless. Don't let it take your family away, try to find a way to change the behavior. Join a local support group to find others near you who can give you good suggestions.
We started to help my Mom by giving her housecleaning services. Then we slowly introduced shower assistance. The just moved into an independent living facility and things are going well. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and it does not need to be a freight train coming :)
I can totally understand what you are going through. I live 1300 miles from my parents, and my mom, up until the past year, was sole caregiver for my dad, who had been showing the signs of dementia for a few years.
I did not have to directly deal with my father's anger. During his angry phase, he hit my mom on the chin, the first incident of physical abuse in their almost 40 years together. He claimed he was shadow boxing and she hadn't moved out of the way fast enough.
Soon after, he had a medical emergency and he never returned home. He spent this past year in an assisted living facility about an hour away from my mom. Then he had another medical crisis, and was in-and-out of hospitals. He passed away last month.
My mom was also the type that took everything on herself. I spoke to their local Alzheimer's association for assistance but she was reluctant to follow up with them.
It sounds like you and your sister are doing all you can to help. We can't force help on people, they have to accept it. I hope your mom learns to accept the assistance you are offering. It would have made a world of difference to my mom if she had not burdened herself the way she did.
I can totally understand what you are going through. I live 1300 miles from my parents, and my mom, up until the past year, was sole caregiver for my dad, who had been showing the signs of dementia for a few years.
I did not have to directly deal with my father's anger. During his angry phase, he hit my mom on the chin, the first incident of physical abuse in their almost 40 years together. He claimed he was shadow boxing and she hadn't moved out of the way fast enough.
Soon after, he had a medical emergency and he never returned home. He spent this past year in an assisted living facility about an hour away from my mom. Then he had another medical crisis, and was in-and-out of hospitals. He passed away last month.
My mom was also the type that took everything on herself. I spoke to their local Alzheimer's association for assistance but she was reluctant to follow up with them.
It sounds like you and your sister are doing all you can to help. We can't force help on people, they have to accept it. I hope your mom learns to accept the assistance you are offering. It would have made a world of difference to my mom if she had not burdened herself the way she did.
Thanks for your advice. He has become so obsessed with this that it sounds like he is on a loop. My mom or sister will divert him to something else, and less than 5 minutes later, he's saying the same things over again. This goes on and on and on... And if I'm there, it's even worse because I'm a constant reminder of it to him.
Thanks for your advice. He has become so obsessed with this that it sounds like he is on a loop. My mom or sister will divert him to something else, and less than 5 minutes later, he's saying the same things over again. This goes on and on and on... And if I'm there, it's even worse because I'm a constant reminder of it to him.
My sister and I have come to the same conclusion. We can't force help on my mother. She is determined that this is something she can "handle." I just hope and pray it doesn't cost us her, too, as her health is beginning to deteriorate, in no small measure from the stress of dealing with this all the time.
My sister and I have come to the same conclusion. We can't force help on my mother. She is determined that this is something she can "handle." I just hope and pray it doesn't cost us her, too, as her health is beginning to deteriorate, in no small measure from the stress of dealing with this all the time.
The culmination of Mom as caregiver came when they rushed her to the hospital with a heart rate of 40. She was there 5 days and got a pacemaker. She is fine, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back, that is when we moved them here for her to recuperate and then to an independent living facility where there is someone onsite 24/7. They get 2 meals a day, clean the apartment, change the sheets, etc., so her work load is greatly lessened and so are their expenses, as we sold their condo and they rent now so no maintenance.
Yesterday, I told my son that when I turn 80, he is in charge. I will not fight him on any decision he makes for my well being. I also told him 80 was an arbitrary number based on my family history, but if I deteriorate sooner, the age will go down. I told him I would gladly put it in writing through an attorney, as I will NEVER put him through the cajoling, begging, worrying that my parents put us through.
The culmination of Mom as caregiver came when they rushed her to the hospital with a heart rate of 40. She was there 5 days and got a pacemaker. She is fine, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back, that is when we moved them here for her to recuperate and then to an independent living facility where there is someone onsite 24/7. They get 2 meals a day, clean the apartment, change the sheets, etc., so her work load is greatly lessened and so are their expenses, as we sold their condo and they rent now so no maintenance.
Yesterday, I told my son that when I turn 80, he is in charge. I will not fight him on any decision he makes for my well being. I also told him 80 was an arbitrary number based on my family history, but if I deteriorate sooner, the age will go down. I told him I would gladly put it in writing through an attorney, as I will NEVER put him through the cajoling, begging, worrying that my parents put us through.
It's so hard to watch the caregiver parent suffer health consequences. My mom broke her shoulder during a bathroom fall in the middle of the night. She had to crawl to her cellphone to call for help because she lives alone. (Thank goodness I bought her a Jitterbug phone!)
She was exhausted after going to see my dad at the care center, which required her to take a bus an hour each way.
It was the first time she had been in the hospital since she had me (and I was 36 years old at the time.)
It's so hard to watch the caregiver parent suffer health consequences. My mom broke her shoulder during a bathroom fall in the middle of the night. She had to crawl to her cellphone to call for help because she lives alone. (Thank goodness I bought her a Jitterbug phone!)
She was exhausted after going to see my dad at the care center, which required her to take a bus an hour each way.
It was the first time she had been in the hospital since she had me (and I was 36 years old at the time.)