Mom doesn't realize she needs help
Mom has done very well living alone since my father died 18 years ago. She had a network of friends that did things together up until about six months ago when the last of them moved into assisted living. I live almost 500 miles away and there are no other siblings to rely on so she is on her own.
Over the past few months, we have noticed a rapid deline in her mental capabilities. Multiple accidents (fortunately none serious) forced me to take her car keys away from her a week ago. Since then I have been trying to orchestrate a series of people to visit daily and take her to the store and anywhere else she needs to go.
I have been running back and forth almost every week. What I have found when I arrived was a refrigerator that you can smell when you walk in the door, a pile of unpaid bills mixed in with bigger pile of junk mail asking for donations and a few NSF charges from the bank. There are clothes piled on the couches. Her 140 year old home has stairs that I have been concerned about for quite some time but now it is made worse by things that are stacked on some of the stairs. I clean it and it's all back within a week. Mom has never been a neat freak but she has always been meticulous about her bank accounts and bills.
The real worries started when I was getting calls (at all hours) asking what time or day it was. Same conversations multiple times a day, not always with the same outcome. What might be a normal, rational agreement one day changes to an irate phone call the next stating that we never talked about this and she would never agree to that.
We were very lucky to get a new apartment for her in a facility that will just be opening on 5/1. They have the staff available that is capable of handling some of the changes Mom is going through. Now Mom has decided she wants her money back and she is not moving. She keeps claiming that her memory is perfectly fine. Then goes into the speech that I just want to get her out of the way.
Can I force her to move into this facility? I have power of attorney. Idon't like the idea of forcing her into it but not seeing another way to make sure Mom is taken care of without losing my sanity.
It would be so much better for both of us. Instead of spending every weekend driving for hours to clean her house and make sure she has decent food in the house, I could actually spend time with her. I am convinced that being around people and having a schedule would improve her memory. I probably don't need to add what this is doing to my life mentally, physically, and financially.
Hi JMR, thanks for sharing your situation. Sorry to hear about the difficulty you've been having lately. Caregiving is no easy task, so I'd like to commend you for all the hard work you have been doing to help your mom.
As for your question, here's an Ask & Answer page that may help answer your question about how to get your mom into a facility: http://www.caring.com/questions/force-into-nursing-home
If you have any further questions, please let me know and I'll do my best to track down an answer for you.
Take care of yourself,
Emily | Community Manager
your Mom probably feels like first day of school and is scared. my Mom didn't want to move into assisted living and her sisters, my aunts, were trying to force her which made everybody mad.
i suggested to her that she made no decision about her house or anything like that but just tried the place for a month. well, she loved it. she loved being waited on, not being lonely, having company whenever shoe chose. it went very well.
so, maybe if you reinforce that she can change her mind, after trying it, will buy the time needed for her to try it and probably, maybe or perhaps, enjoy it. then she'll feel more like she did actually have a choice.
the more you argue, the more she'll resist. find ways to get on her side, as in "I'm really worried about you, i love you and want you to have a really good life, i really care," blah blah.
that goes 10,000 miles further than trying to prove to her she's not managing anything well. it puts you on the same side to find a fuller happier life for her.
often our anxiety to help, save and secure someone we love ends up sounding like we don't love them and don't respect them. get around that barrier and you'll make it work, i'm sure of that.
best of luck!
Thanks for the advice! Her doctor suggested that my cousin do the trial move suggestion. She's already mad at me and a little defensive. She's not mad at my cousin yet. Mom's mind is at a point where we can sit down and have a conversation about how I am doing this because I love her and I want to do what is best for her. Then suddenly the stubborn Mom comes out and she twists everything around. I'm not bringing up the move for a little bit unless she brings it up.
Oh Gosh we are going through the same thing here, MIL has come for a visit this past week as we are hopeing she likes it here and might want to stay. I know she won't ! She is fighting us every step of the way and we fear sending her home will be the death of her, meaning she isn't eating and taking care of herself . She hasn't a problem in her eyes as far as she is concerned. We want to sell her house and move her closer to us and get her into assisted living so we know she will be safe . My husband and I both agreed that we don't want her to live with us as she is too hard to handle wants to take over our own home . I wish you all the best and are able to handle all of this .
Maybe taking her to visit her friends who are in assisted living will open her eyes to how much better her quality of life could be. After my dad had a major stroke over a yr ago...my mom chose to live by herself for the 6 mos following. When mom came to the reality that Dad would not be coming home, she wanted to join him. Due to her own health issues; tremendous loss of sight, mis-taking medications, diabeties, anxiety, mobility, and increased parnoia it was agreed that mom moving in with dad would be beneficial for her, dad and me, the only caregiver. I highly encourage you to take mom on visits to A/L places, and even give it a try for a week, I'm hoping for you both that she will love it. Please let us know how you progress towards a better life for you both@ best wishes.
i no what your going through,and thank goodness i dont live 500 miles away,my mom is batteling parkinsins and said she would never live with i of her kids until now,it is very time consumeing,to the cleaning and makeing sure she has food,there is help out there that ppl can come in to do this,i am p.o.a. as well also her payee -if your mom gets disibility or ssi-d you might want to ck into that so her bills can get paid.But if you feel this is a better solution for your family and her then you have done the best you can do,just please make sure she will like this new place because sometimes it can tale a toll on them as well,my mom tryed it and did not like it.
Unfortunately, Mom lives in a smaller town where resources are limited. I tried to set her up with home care. She hated that idea more than going to assisted living. We keep trying to reinforce the positives. She has been to this facility as well as others in the past. She used to go on outings with them. The facility that we want her to move to has been there for many years, just getting a new building. We went to see her apartment as well as another one yesterday that she could go to if she wanted. She really likes the apartment and the facilities. She just thinks she isn't ready to go live with old people and thought the price was too high. The price is very competative with other facilities. Things were a little more open when her doctor told her she needs to go here and she couldn't drive anymore. We even went and looked at new bedroom furniture. Of course, today is a new day and things are back to normal. Moving day is in 10 days. Can't wait to see how this all works out.
it's nice to hear your parent say they dont want to go live with old ppl,i really get a kick out of that.But if she feels comfortable at her new apt and will get use to it im sure she will like alot of the activities they have,like dinners and movie night also sing along shows,bing go ect:that is if this is a simular apt like asst liveing,my boyfriends fater lives at 1 and he likes it very well,they even have a campus bus thats takes them shopping also doctors appt ect:All in all i wish u and her the best,keep her well and god bless.
I am going through the exact same thing. Your mother sounds a lot like my mother.
The difference between our situations is that I have a sister who sees things differently than I do. She insists that mother remain in her own home. Count your blessings that you don't have to fight with a sibling over this, as well as your mom.
I find it telling that your mother doesn't want to "live with old people" and thinks the place is too expensive, in spite of the fact that you say it is priced competitively. These two things alone show that your mother isn't necessarily the best judge of what is best for her now.
You sound very caring and responsible. It sounds to me as though you are doing the right thing for your mother's safety and well-being. it is hard to step in and take over decisions for another human being. But your mother needs you to do that for her. We wouldn't allow a child to eat anything they want or run out into traffic...and, unfortunately, our parents sometimes need as much care and decision making help as a child. This is a difficult role reversal. No one "wants" this. Not you, not her. But it is what it is. And, ultimately, YOU have to live with your choices and decisions...long after your mother is gone.
You are doing the right thing. You know that you are. You just need someone to validate that for you. (I recognize that because I need the same thing.)
Keep moving forward. As long as you have your mother's best interests at heart and as long as you are acting from a place of love, then it will be alright. Look forward to the day when it's obvious that your mother actually enjoys her new home. She may not come out and say it, but you will know.
Best of luck to you. I know what you're going through.
