It's been a few months and I feel like I'm going through every stage of grieve at any given moment.
He was actually diagnosed before we started dating. We had met online and hit it off so well that we ended up falling in love. I was kind of in denial about the whole situation - he didn't look or act sick, and he had a "I'm going to beat this" attitude that really attracted me to him. I moved out of state to be with him and we moved in together. It wasn't until the second year that we were together that he started declining and I became his primary caregiver (his family lived 500 miles away). At 28 I feel that life has been unkind. He was too young to die. And although I've gotten to the point where I can experience joy and have recently started dating again there are moments where I feel extreme guilt for trying to move on and be happy. We wanted to get married and have kids (assuming he would be cured). He was my first *real* relationship and we were so perfect together. At the same time it was extremely stressful. I had panic/anxiety attacks often and they would sometimes last for hours. I sought therapy and sometimes contemplated whether I had made the right decision getting with someone who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. There is extreme guilt for taking my anger out on him (I hadn't really made any friends so he was all I had). But I loved him and there was no turning back, no walking away, no letting him die alone. I was there with him in the hospital when he passed. I had a feeling the night before and said my goodbyes. Although unconcious, he must have heard me because his heart rate went up and he made the first noise I had heard him make in three days. 9 hours later he passed. Two days later I helped bury him - literally. Me and about 10 other people helped dump sand over his gravesite - which I still have yet to really see because it was a temporary stone and I have since moved back home to be near family and friends
I know it's not supposed to be easy, and I will probably have these feelings for awhile. But at the same time I know that I can get through this because I have already gotten this far. I now comprehend what my therapist meant when she told me that this experience would make me a stronger person (although there are moments where I feel far from it)
I'm not really sure why I'm here or what I expect from this site. I just like to talk about it. Maybe there's someone here who can relate and we can help support each other through the process
Hi Kristi,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Cancer at any age where one is lost is very difficult and hard to understand and get through! While this site is meant for caring for the elderly, cancer happens at any age and I'm sure others here will have some advice for you on getting past it.
It's hard. My own father died at 53 (he was just weeks from turning 54) from lung cancer and just this week I had a crying jag over it. It's been seven years.
The great thing about loving someone is that they permanently make a mark in your heart. They leave something of themselves behind, right there, and so you always carry them with you.
It will take some time. It will ease up. It won't ever fully go away, but you'll be able to say, decades later, "When I was younger, I met a man I fell in love with, and he taught me..."
Best to you.
Laura
Hi Kristi,
*hugs* to you. I lost my father-in-law to cancer seven years ago and my dad only 12 weeks ago. I'm right there in the throes of grief with you. I know it's not the same as I've lost a parent and you a significant other. But the feeling of loss still sometimes overwhelms me. I have three things to share, though.
1. Be kind to yourself. Recognize you've been through something big and NOBODY could handle it perfectly. If we didn't get upset or angry, what does that say about the relationship that was lost?
2. There is no one right way to grieve. When my father-in-law passed, my husband was very stoic and quiet about it. Truth be told, that made me so mad! I was like "this is your father! Cry!!" That just wasn't his deal, though. I know he feels the loss. I know he still grieves. It's just different on the outside than how I handle it.
3. Life is often about decisions. Your loved one's memory is honored by you deciding to keep putting one foot in front of the other on a journey towards being happy and peaceful again.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you found us.
Thanks. My biggest fear has always been losing someone close to me. This was the first time that has ever happened. And although it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be there are still days where the pain is just unbearable. I'm sorry for everyones loss, cancer just really SUCKS. it has definitely changed my perspective on practically everything, I have a new outlook on life. But there's this void I cannot fill, and I feel that I've lost my purpose. I would give anything to go back to being his caregiver again
You are a very brave and wonderful woman Kristi, and I’m sure that God is very happy that you got to spend the time you had with your boyfriend. I’m sure that you had good memories of him, and I’m sure his soul is looking down on you and your life and he just wants you to be happy because he loved you so. You did a wonderful thing and you should be proud to have known someone like him. Things happen in life that we don’t always like or aren’t prepared for, but that’s one of the best thing about it, I was told. It’s just so random, that sometimes we have to create a piece of regularity that we are content with.
I would suggest seeking support if you need it, from friends and family. What you two had was very special and nothing could replace that, it’s just a different type of love that you will feel with another person, but that bond that you two had will always be there, since you guys loved each other so deeply.
I pray to God that your life will be filled with blessings from here on out and I’m sure your boyfriend is feeling that same. He wants to see you happy. Sure it will take time to be at that level of happines again (I was told? I think), but in the end, it was really worth it. Believe that things happen for a reason (not necessarily a bad one), but there are things we don’t understand in the world and they happen, but the love you gave to him probably meant a lot to your boyfriend and he was able to make you happy as his girlfriend.
I really don’t know what else to say, but I just want to say that you are very kind and nice and God loves you.
Kristi:
Send me an EM. I'm with the Well Spouse Assocation http://wellspouse.org/forums[wellspouse.org], and these are the people who will really get what you have been going through over the loss of your partner.
im sorry to hear about your loss i to lost my boyfriend to kidney cancer he closed his eyes one year ago July 3, 2008 and this has been the most difficult year in my life. He was my friend first and he fought a good fight, cause thats just who he was "a fighter" i miss im every day. i feel lost in this life right now and i dont want ot talk to people who have no idea of what im feeling cause i think they dont truly understand how much of an impact this has been to me. All i know is i miss Ira so so much.
It's the hardest to see a loved one die when so very young. My daughter died of a very rare Ovarian cancer just one month after her 21st birthday just 4 months ago. Knowing her prognosis was not good, I prepared myself to live without her and I do miss her and realize that her final days were spent with her family and friends all around her, it had to be comforting to her and I am honestly fine, knowing she was in so much pain that I really did want her to let go and stop all of that suffering. The part that gets to me is all of the things she did not (and will not get to) expereince or how unaware she was when she got swept into the hospital the last time that she would not be coming back home, to not know she wouldn't be back. She said goodbye to everyone in the hospital, not on her own terms, her own things, her own pets and maybe all of that is really my own greif, displaced into what I might feel myself if I was dying and what I would feel or miss. Nonetheless, she is much better off than that place she was there at the end with all of the pain, all of the drugs and all of the stress. She kept fighting and I never had the heart to tell her to let go, thinking she would give up completely, since she still had faith she could beat it and as her mom, I would look like I had no faith in her or gave up on her. So complicated we are as human beings, thinking, assuming, empathizing, imagining. I will never truly know how she felt at the end of her life because she may have hidden all of that from her loved ones to try to spare us, (and she was just like that) but I know that she knew we loved her and that has to be the most important part.
1st Sorry for your loss.
2nd Pray that God will make you strong enough to go on. Not to forget your boyfriend and the time you was given.
3rd Give yourself credit for being there for this poor guy who you and only you help him when he needed someone the most. God will reward you, you can bet on that.
4th You live your life and have fun and go on cause he would want you too. Don't feel guilty.
God bless you and stay strong, Cindi
Hi Kristi
I fully understand . I lost my husband one year agio to brain cancer also. Yopu were brave and did what was right for you . You will benefit from you new found strength
Judith
I lost my grandson, age 4, 11 months ago. As with all loss, there is one thing that has helped my daughter come to terms with the death of her son more than any other. Life will NEVER be the same. She understands this now and has been able to go to his resting place and wish him a Happy 5th Birthday without falling to pieces. Life changes after a loss in so many ways and some things will never be again.Realizing life goes on but not in the same direction, helps with all the changes death of a loved one brings on daily.
i lost my fiance to brian cancer as well 3 weeks on thursday....i def understand how your feeling. He was very young as well he was 28 years old. He had the positive attitude about it too and never complained about pain. We dated for 4.5 years 5 this september we just got engaged feb 12. There hasnt been a day yet that i havent cried and it just doesnt seem real it feels like hes on a long vacation and i cant contact him. He had it for two years. He had two operations and this last one they found out there was another tumor that was not curable he was in the hospital a month...went in feb 11 past away on march 11. Which was the same day as my best friends bday. he always remembered me even if he didnt know anyone else which at times i felt bad that he knew me and noone else but i was happy he remembered someone at all i dont think that it gets easier fast but i hope this feeling goes away one day the missing gap that is in my heart
Kristi, my heart goes out to you. I too lost my husband of 19 years to cancer. He had melanoma on his neck, he was in remission for over 7 years, then he had a seizure in November 2008. He passed away after it had traveled to his brain on October 7th. He was 48 years young. He was so outgoing and positive that almost six months have passed and I can't believe he is gone. I still expect to hear him bouncing into the house at 6:30 pm daily. I've picked up the phone a few times to call him at work and ask him a question. I have a 17 year old daughter who keeps me going. I have such wonderful memories of our time and know how lucky we were to get those seven years additional together. The final month was so difficult as he was less commutative and I was the sole caregiver. My range of emotions went from deep compassion to anger. I never thought I would be single at 45. I too do not go a day without shedding a tear, but I have the support of my friends and family that keep me going. Take care Kristi and I will say a prayer for you tonight too.
Hi Kris, You were so lucky to have had your relationship with this fine young man. He taught you love, he allowed you to give, and he benefited greatly from your presence. So you enjoyed him while he was here, and you so to say, paid him back for his love and concern by showing a great love and concern. I am sure you learned a lot of lessons that for most other folks takes a lot longer to learn. I wish you happiness and a long life with your new love, Charlotte, an American living in Germany
Interesting. I opeedmy email and this topic is here. I have brain cancer for the past 1 1/2 years and are starting the sympthoms of the last moments. I have stepped out of everyone lifes except for family because I did not want the pain in their lives. I don't belong to anything or anyone. Just me and my dog. Times are loney but I thnk this is best. Thank God that I have great insurance. May all your suffering go away and you can start new and full filling lives.
Oh my dear Ringboyd......I am so sorry that you will have to be leaving us.. My son, has terminal lung cancer and will also be leaving his family here on this earth. I know you are concerned about your family felings after you are gone, but one thing for sure..They can all say my son, brother, father, nephew, uncle or whatever to are to your family relatives, they can all say loudly...HE HAD COURAGE AND FACED HIS ILLNESS FULL SQUARE IN THE FACE. That is what I tellmy son as we speak on the phone. He is in Tampa, Fl and I am in a place near Berlin Germany. I have promised to be with him again at the end... You are a brace man..and I wish you a comfortable passing if I may be so bold. Your dog knows of your courage as well, and as for the ins...well, that is a blessing too. Charlotte, ALIG
Hi Ringboyd. I work with Hospice patients and admire your position. I think when my time to battle what ever genetic malformation or environmental toxin takes my health, I too will do so as you are doing. Best wishes to you on your transistion.
I know what your going through, I lost my boyfriend of 9 months to Leukemia. He was diagnosed January 14, 2009, the same day we started dating. He told me a thousand times I could leave him and he would understand. I made the choice to stay by his side and support him. In September he received a Stem Cell transplant(which was said to cure his cancer.) A couple of days after receiving the stem cell he was put in ICU for VOD. After about a month at Children's hospital in New Orleans he was moved to Tulane's ICU. He was on full life support in the end. After a long fight everyone agreed he had been through enough. On November 8, 2009 he pasted away with family and myself there.
I guess my point is I know where you are. I've been down the road pain and days that seem like your never going to be happy again. I have recently started to move on with my life. You just have to take it day by day and pray for the best.
Sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 40+ years to Brain cancer on Dec. 10th, was a difficult Christmas, but we made it through it. We all grieve differently, cherish the good times and memories.
Hi I am sorry for you're loss' I really don't know what to do at this moment but I have a boyfriend with lukemeia cancer of the blood he's my first love my first everything well everything is ok now but I would probably lose my mind if I lost him sometimes I wonder why but he's had it for a while he was diagnoised in 2009 . I cry everyday but I know I .will stick by his side no matter what. But please pray for him please
Wow all I can say is there are some pretty incredible people out there on this site helping one another get through the difficult time of losing a loved one and for those struggling to get by. I, too, have had my experiences with losing loved ones and I hope I can be of some encouragement. So many wonder WHY, understandably. Unforeseen occurrences befall all of us, meaning anything can happen. We live in critical times with our health, safety, economically and spiritually. Can you imagine living in a time where we have perfect health, no fear of safety, plenty of food, no sickness, suffering or death? Aya, right here on earth. I can share a number of scriptures that are very comforting and help to cope.
Assurance is found in the last book of the Bible," God will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away...Look I am making all things new." Rev 21:4,5 That is a promise. It is God's purpose to bring an end to all suffering. He will do that by riding the earth of war, hunger, sickness and injustice. No human can accomplish that.
Two facts that can give us hope and encouragement. The first is this: Jehovah God will more than make up for any suffering we may have experienced. God assures us: "The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart." Isaiah 65:17. God will undo, permanently, the misery and suffering. The second fact is: God has set a time to end suffering, " The vision is yet for the appointed time...it will not be late." Habakkuk 2:3
There are many scriptures regarding the blessings mankind will receive. Notice what Isaiah 33:24 says, "No resident will say: 'I am sick'" Psalm 37:29 "The righteous themselves will possess the earth and reside forever upon it." Acts 24:15 "There is going be a resurrection of both the righteous and unrighteous." And a global brotherhood! Psalm 46: 8,9 " Come, you people, behold the activities of the Jehovah, how He has set astonishing events on the earth. He is making wars to cease to the extremity of the earth."
These are all scriptures in the bible that were written aforetime for our instruction so to have hope and comfort. Romans 15:4 So if you should see one of Jehovah's Witnesses out and about sharing comforting news from the Bible ask them for a magazine and if you are interested in learning more about the bible and what it really teaches you can have a free bible study at your convenience! If not you can certainly obtain a magazine that you will enjoy. Peace to all of you and may God Bless you with the truth.
My fiance was just diagnosed with colon cancer stage III B. He had surgery 3 weeks ago, now is waiting to start Chemo. He was positive, a great patient, and intended to fight for his life. We got engaged last Christmas. he was well, no symptoms...then he got a routine colonoscopy in February. I was with him, every step of the way. Last week he was released from the hospital and within a few days, he became, distant, cold , snappy, and cruel to me. We never had fights, we had a great relationship . Now he is taking a break from me, by abruptly flying back East to see his family. I totally understand and support this, but I am hurt and bewildered by his change towards me. I KNOW that cancer is a scary diagnosis, and I understand his need to get away. What I do not understand is why he is acting so cruel towards me. If he needs space and to get his head together about this, I really feel there is a better way of saying things....cancer or not.
I TO FEEL YOUR PAIN. TODAY MY HUSBAND OF 22 YRS.AND I PICKED OUT HIS CASKET. HE HAS BEEN IN HOSPICE FOR 3 MOS. I HAVE NOTICED A LOT OF SIGNS THAT CANCER HAS MOVED TO THE BRAIN.THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE,I KNOW I CAN GO ON AFTER HE'S GONE,I WILL MISS HIM EVERY DAY BUT I WILL KEEP TRUSTING IN THE LORD AND ASKING FOR STRENGTH TO FACE EACH DAY. STAY STRONG AND TRUST IN THE LORD.
Thank you so much for your reply. Really thank you from the bottom of my heart. Cancer is such a terrible thing especially from the patient. I have been a nurse for 28 years and I have never experienced anything like this. I want to be there for him so much, but he does not want me around. It seems to me at this point nobody really cares at all. I am heartbroken for his diagnosis, but I feel that he may recover well after all. I am trying to stay positive but really feel that he is not being that way for his recovery. I have read that many people come through to the other side and live cancer free lives. At this point he has broken off our engagement which just happened at last Christmas. I know that people are on his side, but I also know we had a strong love for each other and a wonderful relationship together. He is the one with the diagnosis , colon cancer stage 3 b without any symptoms, except for a mass which was found during a routine colonoscopy. I want him to live well with or without me. I just don't understand why he through us away. I am sorry for your husband, but don't ever ,ever give up. Too many success stories out there. Best to you all and please respond if you can or want to. Blessings to you. I know you are going through terrible time. My name is Lizzie.
I lost my husband of 26 years to brain cancer in July. I sometimes feel so angry I don't know what to do. I am a Christian and I know I should be asking why not me not why me. I miss him so . He was only 53 and our youngest is just 15 and he needs his father. I know that he is home with our heavenly father but im selfish and wish he could be here . Please pray for strength for me and I will pray for you and a cure for all forms of cancer. Phyllis
Phyllis:
I'm so sorry to hear... Anger at the disease that has robbed the vitality and energy and eventually takes the life of a partner is normal for a spousal caregiver. You are not alone. There are online groups like this, grief groups, and the Well Spouse Association (http://wellspouse.org), as well as individuals such as therapists or pastors that you can turn to for help. You may feel guilty at feeling angry, but please know that you can give yourself permission to forgive yourself and set aside the guilt, and take things a day at a time, planning an activity you enjoy for at least part of the time each day, or every couple of days... and hopefully doing it with others. I wish you the best.
I'm sorry you are hurting, losing a mate is a hardship and its not normal to accept because we love them so much we don't want to be without our loved one. True. And those feelings of hurt, anger, sadness all go together. Be strong, what choice do we have, for your son, and pray for that strength and the power beyond normal to cope with this loss.
Pray for a helper to look into the bible with you and show you the comfort of the scriptures, answers and hope. It is there and I will pray for you too.
Rev 21:3,4,5 a prophecy to be fulfilled, and psalm 37:29
