(800) 973-1540
about 5 years ago
anieokie said...

My friend Sue is now living in an assisted living home. She is the same way with her husband. She is not that way with me. We have been friends for 35 yrs. I don't think she knows me most of the time or realizes where in fit into her life. I do visit and she talks about people I do not know and most of time have never heard of. We spend alot of time looking for lost items. She always loves to be hug and it very frighten some of the time. Does your Mom remember her home or where she once lived. I know it is hard, I leave so sad. I try to remember that Sue forgets I have been there and will not remember what we have discussed, Her husband is always upset after visiting her, she is mean to him, then she tells me, she will be nicer if he would just come more often. I just keep her in my prayers and go and give her hugs.

A.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

Thank you so much for responding.  I guess I get what Sue's husband gets, and yes I usually very upset by the time I leave as well.   I call mom every morning and see her once or twice a week.  We usually go someplace, shopping, lunch, etc.  Oh yes, she remember her house well.  However, she does get confused with the house in MD and the house in NC and uses the states interchangeably.  But, the theme is the same, I want to go home, I'll get my license back - don't you worry about that!!  NC took her license away based on the doctor's report and of course being declared incompetent.  I don't know about being frightened, but she keeps saying she hates it there.  On good moments she will tell me it's not so bad there, the food is good, and everyone is very nice.  Said she has never heard the staff be mean or nasty to anyone.  I think part of the problem is that one male resident took an interest in her and they did everything together.  She even spent the night in his room sometimes.  But I'm guess she got too clingy and he backed off.  He is there because of a stroke not dementia.   I just don't know how to respond to her question of going home.  Each time I tell her the truth, she gets really mad then asks again a bit later.

about 5 years ago
ladynew said...

I have been the primary infact only caregiver for a lady friend as her family does nothing I have done it for 9 years now . finally had to place her in assissied living it was that or a nursing home. Her memory constantly gets worse and she insists she wants a man in her life tells me she is French and the French are Lovers she will soon be 80 years old. Sometimes i have the nastiness to deal with I have to be very firm with her and tell her either be pleasant or i'm leaving right now  immediately she changes I just tell I don't have to come back if you keep on being nasty since I am her only visitor except for a sister that comes 4 x a years  she stops and becomes better not perfect but much better, caregiving for a dementia patient is a very trying job and we don't get much help if any. she was also interested in a man who already had alady friend and since he stayed with that lady my friend refuses to socialize now . not much that can be done . would like to say it gets better but we all know that will never happen i just do the best I can I am 5 years younger than her so sometimes it really wears me out

about 5 years ago
Irishwitch said...

I am going through this very thing right now.  My mother thinks she is going home and her sister who has not offered to help out with home care keeps "egging" her on and agreeing with her.  My sister and I have to have this final discussion with her this weekend and are afraid she will freak out.  She also says things to us that she does not say to others like complaining about the food but when she is called on it, she changes her tune. The whole thing is very upsetting and from what I hear only going to get worse.

 

 

about 5 years ago
ladynew said...

If the sister continues to be this kind of a problem tell her flat out if you want her home then take her to live with you otherwise stay out of it.. I have found that my friend in assisted living will do or tell you anything to get her way often time teeling lies about things it is very difficult but you have to be firm and stand your ground. You might have to tell the sister to butt out .I had to that as the sister in my case refused to beleive the diagnosis of 2 Dr's finally told her she was in denial as she was afraid she was next and that if she didn't stay out of it she could start taking care of her 100% of the time  she backed  off in a hurry and now says don't know what we would do without you . You might need to file for guardianship and conservatorship also if her husband was ever in the service even 1 day during war time there is a pension available if she needs what they call care and assistance meaning assissted living because they can not manage alone need a DR to state this I have been thru all of this

 

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

My sister and I conference called the Med Tech yesterday and she was VERY surprised that mom was saying she wanted to go home.  The Med Tech said mom participates in all the acitivites goes all the places, says how much fun she had and hangs out with a particular man.  She tell us just the opposite.  The Med Tech said mom is only like that around me, and when my sister calls from England.  Read the fine print carefully about the help if a spouse was in the military.  When we looked into that, you had to spend down, and be in a certain income/savings level.

about 5 years ago
ladynew said...

True about income level but the rep from veterans told us to prepay funeral expenses and spend down the money to about 39,999.00 so we also prepaid the rent at the assissted living facility and at that point if still not low enough they offered financial planning help or could see an elder attorney he can tell you how to protect the money from nursing homes etc . I went to a seminar put on by vets and they helped me spend down the money I prepaid rent  cable telephone everything I could think of and it went thru she gets 1056.00 per month all of the charges at the assissited living are cinsidered medical expense even by Internal Revenue for tax write off .

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

From the little that I understand about elders with dementia and the declaration of "I want to go home", is that the declaration is more about wanting things to be right again in their minds  and lives rather than actually wanting to go back to one of their physical homes.  It's  about wanting to go back to the way things were when their minds worked well, they were in their own homes,  and basically in control of their lives.  More psychological than physical.  Just holding your mom's hand, aknowledging her confusion and pain, and generally assuring her that she is o.k. could work wonders for her and you.  It may help to ease the verbal attacks towards you as well.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

Does anyone know the difference in symptoms, progression, life span, etc between Alzheimers and vascular dementia?

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

 My mother's negative qualities got worse with her dementia. She is now in an Assisted Living place that provides everything she needs, yet she's still unhappy. Her criticizing, demanding, arguing and obsessing made me a wreck after every visit and phone call. The only way I could make the situation tolerable was to cut back on the visits and phone calls. Of course, I felt guilty about it, but  the visits were harming my physical and mental health, plus she forgets if and when I visited anyway. I visit her once a week and call once a week and that seems to have helped. Now I'm less stressed when I do speak to her and the visits less antagonistic for both of us.

about 5 years ago
Irishwitch said...

Anger? Tell me about it.  Every time I even think about maybe moving my mom in with my family, I th ink about the times when she gets "angry" or beligerent and I change my mind back.  My biggest fear right now is that the Assisted Living is costing $5K per month and she will run out of money soon and then what do I do?  I'm not sure Medicaid will pay for that much and then I'll have to move her and go through all of this again.

 

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

Unfortuantely I think you are right about having to move her after the money runs out.  You would have to find an "approved" or "accepted" facility that will take Medicaid.  And, it probably won't be the nicest place.

about 5 years ago
ladynew said...

Reply to Irishwitch

moving anyone in with you that has anykind of dementia or Altzheimers is a mistake I have been dealing with altzheimer for 9 years now and if I had mover her in with me I would either be dead or on the funny farm someplace its more than anyone can handle as then you get no releif at all . Assissied living in mich where my friend is cost 2300.00 a month that covers rent apt cleaning laundry and meals the I pay 150.00 per month for them to administer her meds she is still able to dress herself and shower and to walk to where ever she needs to be in the building if more services are needed then you pay more I have a hairdresser that goes there  once a week to wash and fix her hair the fixing only lasts a day but at least I know her hair is clean . at first I had her in an apartment real close to me but got so run down from trying to do it all I had no choice but to move her to assissted living I am 74 years old and had to realize I wasn't super woman. Her family does nothing I am only a friend that cares about her .

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

I am a cna at an assisted living and I don't blame her. The help is shallow and the care is very slack. If my mom was still alive I would care for her until she got really to the point that she couldn't go to the bathroom or even get up and even then I would never put someone I love there. I am sorry to say this and I work in a up scale place. Sorry you are going thru this but I would definitely listen to her and follow your heart.

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

Perhaps a doctor can prescribe an antipsychotic drug that will even out your elder's rages.  It worked for my aunt, who has dementia and was alternately nasty or crying. The other thing I would suggest is to realize that elders often are nastiest to those who react to it, that is, those who care about them the most.  It's hard to not react when you're being assaulted verbally but every effort you make to let things like this slide off you is worth it.

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

My sister and I recently moved our parents (dad is 91 and mother is 83) into a very nice assisted living apartment.  My dad had congestive heart failure in January and was in the hospital and rehab for a month. Upon his discharge, his doctor told us that dad has moderate Alzheimer's and that he should live in assisted environment. We also found out that our mother also has mild Alzheimer's. We decided that it would be best for both of them to live in an assisted apartment together for as long as they could.  They have been married for 63 years and can't bear to be apart.  The problem is that our mother does not want to live at the assisted facility.  She does not believe that there is anything wrong with her or our dad.  She thinks that she is living in a hotel. She says that they treat her nice and the meals are good, but it is not her home.  She becomes very, very angry when we tell her that they cannot go back to their home (it is 150-250 miles from my sister and me) as it is an unsafe environment, and that they would have no way to get around as neither of them can drive anymore.  She doesn't believe what we tell her and she says that if we want to kill her, then we will by making her stay at the apartment and by not letting her go home.  Dad doesn't mind living there. We have tried everyway in the world to get mom to be reasonable and understand the situation.  It has become very stressful on my sister and me.

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

Were you able to  furnish the new place with things from their home this often helps especially if the things are some favorites. I am guardian of a lady with alzheimers and sometimes it is a thankless job but what you have done is necessary. Would it help to have her Dr tell her that they can't live alone any longer. You probably will have to stand firm on this it is so dangerous for them to try to live alone they end up malnutritioned , don't see Dr's as needed and can set the home on fire by accident . Better that hey stay in assissied living than die in a fire. It is so hard to make parents live where they don't want to be maybe a counselor or Dr could talk to them. If mom thinks it is a hotel tell her to treat it as a vacation or anything that will convince her to stay there. If necessary tell her you aren't well enough to travel so far to see them. I have been at this for 10 years now I wish you luck

about 5 years ago
guber said...

assisted living workers (most of them) will tell you anything to keep her there. Remember this , they are getting a lot of money for keeping her. I would suggest that you get a sitter for her and let her go home for the few years she has left. You will be surprised when she passes what peace you will feel. I work in one, I know. The residents at my facility tell me all the time that i am the only one that really cares, and it is true. Sad, I am not bosting by no means, but i love them like my own family and i hate seeing and hearing lies that the other workers say. It's always something like this.........they are just doing this to get attention. They are fine until you come in to work.(no kin to me even) They fail to report falls, sickness and etc. because of one thing , there is never enough help. The companies want to hog the money and hire cna's for 7 and 8 dollars an hour and hire 2 between 50 residents and they can get away with it because of them being an assisted living and there are not many regulations in these places. There may be some good ones, but not the upperclass ones i have worked at. The smaller run down facilities treat them far better. You will have to follow your OWN heart on this one and not let other ppls opinons sway your decision. God be with you and your dear mom.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

I wish I had an answer for you - but I am going through the very same thing. .... every morning when I call her and everytime that I see her.  It just never changes.  Then throw in the comments of "I'll just step in front of a car and end it all!!!"

about 5 years ago
Irishwitch said...

I'm sorry about that "car" comment at least my mother hasn't gone that far!  I tried spending a goodly deal of time with her over the weekend but that just made me reconsider taking her home at all.  She is way to grouchy and mean and loses it too quickly. I know she cannot help it but it affects the kids (7 and 2) and even my teens.  So I guess she will be staying there where she is "forced" to be nice to people who won't put up with the nastiness.

 

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

Again, I understand.  I brought mom back to my townhouse last Sat for about 6 hrs.  We colored her hair, had lunch and hung out.  She took a walk outside, but then couldn't find her was back to my house.  Granted, she doesn't actually live there and townhouses do look alike but it was still sad to see her wandering around trying to figure it out.  As the day wore on the "sundowner" part kicked in.  I know mom is where she needs to be, she cannot live alone.  During the good times she will tell me that the food is good there, and everybody (staff and residents) are all very nice - no yelling, or nastiness.  I saw someone's response about having a sitter - at $17.00 per hour, 24/7, that is $12,648 per month!!!!!  It is a great thought - but just not workable.

about 5 years ago
atwitsend said...

We did bring some of their furniture and personal belongings from their home to the apartment.  We hung pictures on the wall, and even brought all of their picture albums, so that it would feel more like home.  When we finished decorating the apartment, it looked very much like their home.  We have asked their family doctor (the one that they had when they lived at their home) to write a letter to them stating that assisted living is best for them.  As of yet, the doctor hasn't sent the letter to our parents. I hope that when she gets the letter that it will help her to see that assisted living is the best choice.  I doubt it, but right now we are willing to give anything a try.  If she would give her self a chance I know that she would enjoy living in the assisted facility.  There is always activites going on that they could participate in.  I know that mom doesn't want to join in because that would be admitting that she is not going back home.  She continues to tell us that we have ruined their lives. My sister only lives about 30 minutes away from them now and sees them several times a week.  She gets them out at least twice a week for shopping or lunches.  Of course, mom says that my sister rarely comes to see her.  I don't think that she can remember from one day to the next if my sister has visited.  I know that since mom is in the first stage of Alzheimer's, she will probably never give in to the idea that she can't go home.  Dad is probably between middle and last stage.  He is having a hard time remembering how to do things that use to come natural to him.  He never complains about anything.  It will be hard when he gets to the point that he doesn't remember my sister and I.  Does anyone have any idea how many years each of the stages last?  Also will the anger the our mom shows continue in all stages.  It is just so hard to see our parents who have always been so healthy, active and independant all their lives go through the stages of this disease.  It is such a heartbreaker!

about 5 years ago
guber said...

I don't know what state you live in, I am in NC and private sitters here don't make that kind of money. Yea , if u go thru an agency you would pay that. I am talking about placing an ad or reading these wonderful ads of good people that are willing to do this between 7 and 9 dollars per hour and thur the nite , nothing. As long as this person gets two days off a week and perhaps every other weekend they are very happy and treat the elderly very special. I am a cna in an assisted living , as I stated. I only make 9 per hr. I make the top pay there. Most are 8 and 7 an hour. I work myself to death every nite, I have 22 residents to take care of. That means laundry, including sheets towels, dining rm. linens and napkins, and resident clothes. I am responsible for helping half of them toilet and washed. I have generally 5 to 6 showers a day. We rotate days and they all get 3 good showers a week. Bed changes are done once a week unless it is wet, which it usually is. Unless a person goes into a facility and at least does some volunteer work a few days you won't begin to know what it is like. But I can only suggest and be honest. I really am an advocate for the elderly and children. They get abused a lot and won't tell it.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

Mom did live in NC and the In Home Instead was $17 per hr, 3 hr min.  The problem we were told by others about having someone else come in was that they can be very undependable.  If they get sick, or the child, or car trouble, etc they can't come that day or even late.  I live in GA and my sister lives in England, so there wouldn't be any way for either of us to help out in case of an emergency.  Mom has been in assisted living here in GA since last Aug - still hates it so she tells me and my sister; however the staff tells us otherwise.  She had a male "friend" there but they don't hang out together anymore and that has really made her miserable.  I show up variuos times on various days and everyone seems happy and clean.  I just so wish she would just accept being there and make friends and just make the most out of a situation she doesn't really like.

about 5 years ago
guber said...

I have also had care for a disabled person in my family (young person) and the agencies I have went to send ppl out , they are very unreliable or don't have the common sence of a 2 year old. I have found ppl myself and hired them and paying out of pocket and it has worked out great.Again I'll say I can only tell you my own experience. I don't know if you are finacially able to take care of her yourself with a relief person, but that is what my heart would tell me to do. But then my mom and I were best of friends. I hope God blesses you and your mom, I will pray if that is ok.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

Oh yes, please pray!!!  All prayers are gratefully accepted!!!

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

In dealing with aging people - both relatives and family friends - I've seen that those who are the closest often get the most anger directed at them.

I think it's because the elderly person knows the caregive will not abandon them.  My friend got the most grief from her father of all the children but she was the one who was always there for him.  We also saw it with a family friend who my friend visited often - the friend was sweet and always nice to my friend but treated her caregivers terribly - accusing them of stealing and other wrongdoing.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

I have to agree with that.....  My sister in England cannot visit as often as she would like and it is just the two of us, so I am the one to see mom most often.  Even though my sister tries to call mom quite often the window of opportunity is very small with the time difference and once mom is out for breakfast she is rarely back in her apt until later that night for bed.  I just so wish she would be happy there.....

about 5 years ago
warcat said...

My mom had a major stroke in 2002 (multi infarct dementia) and my sister and I tried really hard to keep her and my stepdad (who became her "companion" caregiver) in their home. They had lived in the house for 23 years, but now Mom didn't know it was her home and couldn't even find the bathroom. She continued to beg to "go home." Then after my step-dad had run up $40k in prescriptions on credit cards, we had to sell the house and they both moved into assisted living. Mom continued to beg to "go home." Then my step-dad began having balance problems and falling down everyday. It became apparent that they could not stay even in assisted living. My sister and I made the choice to move them into full nursing care. Mom still begged to "go home." My step-dad now has some dementia also, and asks how long he will have to stay there. He wants to "go home." My point is, "going home" isn't usually about going to a certain address. It is about going back to an independent, useful, healthy life, like they had before and wish they had now. The other thing about dementia is that old relationships come back. My sister was a nervous, hyperactive, hot tempered small child and I was a calm, quite child. Now Mom reacts to my sister as if she is still that small child that was difficult for her to handle, even though my sister grew out of that childhood, to be a mature, calm, gracious woman, who was Mom's good friend, as well as her daughter. Mom's memory of those years of my sister as a mature woman and friend are gone. Her memory of her good marriage to my step-dad is gone, and neither of them can calm her down when she has a bad day, or sun-downers. She quiets down for me, her calm child. This is very difficult, since my sister has been fully 50% of mom's care over the past 7 years, but she doesn't get 50% of Mom's love and respect in her illness. You may have been in a similar relationship in your childhood, that you grew out of as well, but your mom is back to feeling like you were a child that was difficult for her.  Hang in there, but don't take what she says too personally. The woman you have now is not the mother you knew before her illness. She is in some other part of her life, and what you built as an adult with her is gone. My mom sometimes becomes beligerant to the staff of the Alzheimer wing, and they know I would prefer she not be heavily medicated so they call me to come and calm her down. If I am not available, they have to sedate her, since my sister cannot calm her, and neither can her husband. I do not feel quilty about her current care, and I do not believe all the things she tells me about the staff or care (although I check on her at various times, just to be sure) and I know that the woman left in that body is not the person she used to be. Her behavior is the disease, and not her will. (Also, sometimes the behavior is a reaction to a urinary tract infection that she is unable to tell anyone about, and a couple days on antibiotic completely returns her to a calmer state.) You are never going to make her UNDERSTAND that she needs to be there and she cannot go home. Stop trying. Tell her that there are complications to going home and you are working on it. Tell her you wish she could go home right now, too, but it isn't possible. (That's the truth, isn't it?) Tell her you wish her health was as good as it used to be, but we are all getting older. Say things that recognize her desire, without promising the results that you can not give her. Forgive her for what she cannot control-the disease. Forgive yourself-you are doing what you have to for her safety and your sanity. Forgive the others that give you grief over how you are going. From the cross Christ said, "Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do."  (And forgive me for going on so long.)

 

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

Reasoning skills are gone with Alzheimers so logical explanations don't work.  My mother is so sad about recently moving to an assisted living facility after 2 weeks in a geriatric psych unitl..

I lie to her, telling her that it's a temporary situation while the doctor monitors her new medications.    I repeat this over and over when she asks why she is there and who made the decision.   I have been her only caregiver for 3 years.  It's heartbreaking and I do feel guilty but I can't do it anymore.  I'm hoping that with time she won't ask about going home. 

about 5 years ago
sdhIndy said...

Wow.....are we the same person?  What you said about the sister is so like my situation.  You mentioned something about the husband being military and coverage available.  Can you please send me some info or links regarding that.  I am not going to be able to financially cover all of her needs and her present income is very limited as she has 'lost' her savings to various scams.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

The assisted ilving facility had a speaker/representative/finalcial planner - who helps people qualify for the VA benefits.  He has been awesome.  We are in the process of going through the paperwork now.  Mom will receive over $1000 towards her care and it can even be in-home care if you go that route.  I don't know where you are located, but look for a Veterans Support Group - NOT just the VA - to help you qualify.

about 5 years ago
donche said...

Hello,

My mom is 93,blind and very small 100 lbs,I moved her from Chicago to Atlanta 2 years ago she stays here with my wife and I  in Atlanta,I did have help with her by my wife until she tol her You don't have to do nothing for me,LOLWhen we need a break she stays at a assistant living home foe 3 days at a time. But that gets costly Iha dto take a leave from my job to take care of her. She gets depressed almost everyd day saying she has no one to look after her. I told her if that was the case she would be in a nursing home. I need some suggestions on how to make her smile more often.Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

about 5 years ago
TK in Arizona said...

Yours is a very insightful explanation.  "Home" does seem to be a metaphor for going back to a better time when our elderly loved ones were able to care for themselves and others rather than feeling helpless, or worse, without purpose.  I'm sure most of us who have to deal with the decline of our aging parents would like to go "home" too. 

about 5 years ago
lms said...

I am just starting this journey and am already having some of these issues with my mom. I wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to make these posts because they are such a help to someone like me who is absolutely feeling lost about how to deal with things.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

I am so sorry... This will not be an easy journey for either of you...  I'm not sure if there is a one right way to handle things, just some that could have turned out better than others.  Don't beat yourself up about the ones that didn't turn out well, believe me you will get a second chance so many of her questions and attitudes will come around again and again.  One seminar my sister and I went to showed pictures of a brain with Alz (atrophied with holes) and one normal brain.  He said when your mom is asking the same things over and over, or saying things that are either hurtful or wrong - stop, remember the pictures, and ask yourself   "Who has the big brain?"  Believe me when I tell you, that there will be times that you will not have the answer to that question from being so frusntrated and wanting things to be right.

about 5 years ago
irishtwin said...

I agree with you and pray mom never has to go to a nursing home...

about 5 years ago
sewmoore said...

 I was told that my mother was receiving too much va pension, she receives 1194 and she  would not be entitled to anymore.

64px-hh6b80fd52d1
about 5 years ago

My lady friend gets VA Pension but its 1056.00 and they told me that is tops

about 5 years ago
sewmoore said...

 That's what I am hearing also. Don't know how Mom gets more, however, today is the day to take her to assisted living.  She is so bitter and angry at us, I just don't know what to say. We have watched her over the past few months as she has gone to hiding her pills, etc.  Any words of wisdom out their regarding today and the bitterness?

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

Pray, pray, pray.....  I remember the day my sister and I moved mom as if it were yesterday...  It was horrible.  When you actually walk away and she is staying there your heart will feel like it is going to burst.  I'm tearing up again as I write this.  But, also know in your heart, that you are doing the right thing for your mom.  You are protecting her by having her where someone can watch out for her 24/7 and give her immediate medical care if needed.  I spoke with my mom this morning (as I do every morning) and she is still crying about being there and telling me how much she hates it there.  This is not an easy road for either of you to travel.  Wish I could be of more help.

My mom is supposed to get $1,050 as "tops" as well.  But she wasn't the one in the military - her husband was - I think that may make a difference.

about 5 years ago
atwitsend said...

My sister and I moved our parents into assisted living last February after dad (91) had congestive heart failure and was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer's Disease.  Our mother (83) has been diagnosed with anxiety and mild Alzheimer's Disease.  Dad is content to be in the assisted apartment, but our mother has been extremely bitter and tells us everytime we talk to her that we have to take her home.  She insists that she will not live there, but we keep telling her that it is the doctors advice for them to live in assisted living.  I wish I had some advice for you, but each day with mom it is like "Groundhog Day" all over. She doesn't think that there is anything wrong with dad or her and cannot understand why they can't live in their own home. The assisted living facility is within 30 minutes of my sister, so she visits and takes them places a couple of times a week. I am 4 hours from the assisted living, so I don't get to visit as often.  The home that our mom wants to return to is 5 hours from my sister and 3 hours from me.  It would just be impossible to let them live at their own home without having someone live with them or have 24 hour care.  Mom does have brothers and sisters near her home, but mom was lucky to see them 1 or twice a year, so I know that they would not be around to assist mom and dad if they returned to their own home.  So I guess my sister and I will have to continue to be the bad guys and insist that mom and dad stay at the assisted facility as we have no other choice.  We know that we have made the best decision for our parents, but we still feel guilty that we have had to take their independence away.

about 5 years ago
sewmoore said...

 Well, today was the day.  My brother in law was suppossed to tell my mom they were going over to assisted living , eat lunch and she was staying.  Well due to a mixup, he waited on us after lunch, then just told my mom he had to go , she was not going with him, and it turned into a mess. She was left alone and the folks worked with her.  Then we took her meds over and mom saw me and it was on.  My sister and I had gone over to my mom's to pick up her MANY meds, label socks, etc. So it took us longer that we thought.  So I agree with earlier post, we are the BAD guy, want to take her house, etc. My mom was accepting of this arrangement at first. we visisted assisted living and she loved this place, well not any more. I just wish she was not so BITTER,  I called back and spoke with lady at assisted living, she has been a jewel.  She did get mom to go have coffee and mom met another lady, so off they  went for coffee and pie. We see how it goes, I agree with earlier post, she is not going to like us anytime soon.  She says we put her in a "hellhole", which is a lie.  We have been to this particular place several times and have felt the caring manner these people use torward the residents. So just keep the prayers coming for us all as we deal with this new stage in our lives.

The house we "stole" from mom is going to have to have thousands of dollars of work  done on it, and we will be making mom's payments, insurance, house etc  until we can sell it and get out from  under the mortgage. So we won't mess up our credit.She signed her house over to us about 6 years ago, THAT WAS a mistake. We should have just let them come and  take her house then gone to assisted living.  

Well that's my rant for today. Since my mother now feels betrayed, etc. 

about 5 years ago
LauraL said...

ah, sewmoore. I'm so sorry this is not working out like you had hoped. :(

about 5 years ago
sewmoore said...

 How long has your mom been in assisted living? Wonderling how long, if ever, mom will stay bitter.

I admit it was awful today, my brother in law just more or less told her she was not returning home. So we are off to an awful start.

about 5 years ago
sewmoore said...

 You have been very helpful tonight. The first night my mother is in assisted living. I have a favorite saying I heard from Charles Stanley years ago that has stayed with me:

Little faith says He Will,

Great faith says He Can,

Perfect faith says He already has.

I try to cling to this hope and know that God is in control, even when I don't think so.. Have a restful  evening.

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

Boy - amen to that!!!!  My sister and I are going thru the same thing.  However, she lives in England, mom's house is in NC,and I live in GA.  So, mom is in assisted living here in GA and tells anyone who will listen that I "PUT" her there.  It is painful to hear even though you know it is the disease talking...

about 5 years ago
Sherryaw said...

I agree that it is sooo hard to have faith when you see what is happening to your mom/dad.  This is a very cruel disease, and there are things worse than death and I believe this disease is one o them.

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about 5 years ago

To watch a young person have schizophrenia is also very hard. It is similar to alzeheimers and can be worse at times. I have dealt with both. Assisted living did not work for my family, we managed to get a small trailor and put in our back field and this works very good. I just could not rest when they were in the assisted livings, the care is poor everywhere you go. I am also a cna. My mind is at rest now knowing they are content and happy. Even if something were to happen to them at least they are living their lives as free and happy, what is life if you are miserable, just a number on years, or quality life, ask your selves this question...........is it quality or quanity?

Very tough decision, but these things we can also be thankful, it makes us who we are and we can know that we are not shallow and making quick decisions and turning our head.

about 5 years ago
atwitsend said...

According to the assisted living medical staff, mom could stay bitter for the rest of her life.  She has been on medication for her anxiety to calm her down for several months now, and it has helped a little.  She is not near as angry and out of control as she was the first few months, and at times she is the loving mom that we grew up with. She has become friends with another lady at the facility, which we are happy that she has a friend.  But the problem is that this lady is as unhappy as mom is and as nasty to her children as mom is to my sister and me.  The two of them get together in one or the other's apartment and call their children.  I guess they do this for support.  But together, they can be so mean!  The staff would have preferred that mom met a lady that she could be friends with that had a positive attitude and enjoyed living there.  I guess as they say "misery loves company".  I think that altheimer's is the worst disease out there as it lasts for years and turns the person you love into someone you don't even know.  My sister and I are not looking forward to how the different stages of the disease will effect our parents.  Our dad, according to the doctors is in the beginning of the last stage.  He still knows us as someone he loves, but I don't think he knows our names, or that we are his daughters.  He doesn't want mom out of his site, but rarely calls her by name.  He is having a hard time making conversation and that frustrates him.  The words in the sentences don't make sense most of the time.  It becomes so emotional for us to see him struggle with talking to us.  But dad has never been nasty to us even with this disease.  From what the doctors tell us, the disease affects people differently.  We live day by day and hope that mom will one day come to accept living in the assisted facility and that she will forgive us.

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