Wishing for a loved one's death
One "lesson learned" I've found after watching both of my parents die due to Alzheimer's disease is not to feel guilty about wishing for my parent's death to come sooner rather than later.
My mother died in 2005 after 5 years of deteriorating due to Alzheimer's; my father passed away a week ago after 4 years of deteriorating due to Alzheimer's. I've gone through nearly a decade of watching my parents go downhill, most of the time wishing for their death to "come soon".
My brother recently mentioned that he had felt a little guilty about wishing for my father's death. I had such feelings many years earlier when I had wished for my mother's death. I had wondered if I was a bad person for wishing for my mother to die? But I came to realize that this was a "loving response", as I loved both of my parents but I did not want them to suffer. Both of them feared Alzheimers after watching other relatives suffer through it, and they emphasized not to do anything to prolong their life if they became afflicted.
We are generally programmed to want to prolong life as long as possible, but sometimes the opposite response is just as loving a response!
Wishing for a loved one's death
One "lesson learned" I've found after watching both of my parents die due to Alzheimer's disease is not to feel guilty about wishing for my parent's death to come sooner rather than later.
My mother died in 2005 after 5 years of deteriorating due to Alzheimer's; my father passed away a week ago after 4 years of deteriorating due to Alzheimer's. I've gone through nearly a decade of watching my parents go downhill, most of the time wishing for their death to "come soon".
My brother recently mentioned that he had felt a little guilty about wishing for my father's death. I had such feelings many years earlier when I had wished for my mother's death. I had wondered if I was a bad person for wishing for my mother to die? But I came to realize that this was a "loving response", as I loved both of my parents but I did not want them to suffer. Both of them feared Alzheimers after watching other relatives suffer through it, and they emphasized not to do anything to prolong their life if they became afflicted.
We are generally programmed to want to prolong life as long as possible, but sometimes the opposite response is just as loving a response!
I am so glad to know I'm not the only one who's felt this way! I, too, have been feeling guilty about wishing my mom would die soon from her Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed about 3 years ago, and her condition is made worse by the fact that she has so many physical problems that cause her severe pain. Not only is her "self" slipping away, but she's suffering physically as well; sometimes I wish she'd just pass in her sleep and let all the pain be over. I'd hoped that her later years would finally be ones of happiness and comfort; instead, they're worse than ever. You are right; it is a "loving response"; it's also a little selfish, as it is so hard for us to suffer the pain of watching our loved ones diminish and fade away. Overall, though, I do believe it's the wish for the suffering to be over. Are there any things special you did to help you get through it all? My siblings and I could use some advice from someone who's been there. Thanks so much for having the courage to post your feelings.
I am so glad to know I'm not the only one who's felt this way! I, too, have been feeling guilty about wishing my mom would die soon from her Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed about 3 years ago, and her condition is made worse by the fact that she has so many physical problems that cause her severe pain. Not only is her "self" slipping away, but she's suffering physically as well; sometimes I wish she'd just pass in her sleep and let all the pain be over. I'd hoped that her later years would finally be ones of happiness and comfort; instead, they're worse than ever. You are right; it is a "loving response"; it's also a little selfish, as it is so hard for us to suffer the pain of watching our loved ones diminish and fade away. Overall, though, I do believe it's the wish for the suffering to be over. Are there any things special you did to help you get through it all? My siblings and I could use some advice from someone who's been there. Thanks so much for having the courage to post your feelings.
There are many of us who feel the same way. We put down beloved pets in order to spare them pain, but we have to stand by and watch our parents, spouses, friends, and/or other relatives go through years of suffering and deterioration.
My husband is in mid-stage Alzheimer's and still enjoying life most of the time, so it's easier now to be there for his special needs. In a few years, when things are worse, I'll be right there with you, wishing he could just slip peacefully away as I hold him while he sleeps. Some of it will be a little selfish, as it will definitely affect the quality of my life, but most of it will be lovingly selfLESS, when I am willing to let him go in order to end the downward spiral.
Meanwhile, all we can do is try to be there when they need us, love them to the very best of our abilities, take care of ourselves so we can take care of them, and enjoy every good moment that comes along. Make those moments happen whenever possible... maybe it's as simple as buying them an ice cream cone on a lovely day, going for a walk while you hold their hand, or sitting in the park watching the river flow by. Your time and your presence will mean more than you know. Don't be afraid to ask for help from others (that's a hard one for me), and pray for strength and peace for yourself and your loved one.
Most of all, good luck to everyone struggling with their caregiving, and remember you're not alone. This site is filled with people who love someone with special needs, willing to hear your fears, calm your doubts, give advice, and understand what your well-meaning friends just don't get.
There are many of us who feel the same way. We put down beloved pets in order to spare them pain, but we have to stand by and watch our parents, spouses, friends, and/or other relatives go through years of suffering and deterioration.
My husband is in mid-stage Alzheimer's and still enjoying life most of the time, so it's easier now to be there for his special needs. In a few years, when things are worse, I'll be right there with you, wishing he could just slip peacefully away as I hold him while he sleeps. Some of it will be a little selfish, as it will definitely affect the quality of my life, but most of it will be lovingly selfLESS, when I am willing to let him go in order to end the downward spiral.
Meanwhile, all we can do is try to be there when they need us, love them to the very best of our abilities, take care of ourselves so we can take care of them, and enjoy every good moment that comes along. Make those moments happen whenever possible... maybe it's as simple as buying them an ice cream cone on a lovely day, going for a walk while you hold their hand, or sitting in the park watching the river flow by. Your time and your presence will mean more than you know. Don't be afraid to ask for help from others (that's a hard one for me), and pray for strength and peace for yourself and your loved one.
Most of all, good luck to everyone struggling with their caregiving, and remember you're not alone. This site is filled with people who love someone with special needs, willing to hear your fears, calm your doubts, give advice, and understand what your well-meaning friends just don't get.
Me too. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 12 years ago and I've watched her slow but steady decline. Now my father has dementia. Both are bedridden. How long can this go on? All I can do is be with them often, manage their affairs, and try to keep myself calm and stable for their sakes, and my own.
Me too. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 12 years ago and I've watched her slow but steady decline. Now my father has dementia. Both are bedridden. How long can this go on? All I can do is be with them often, manage their affairs, and try to keep myself calm and stable for their sakes, and my own.
I'm with all of you. This has been a tough ten years. There are times I sit in the room with Mom ... and just miss my mommy. And I know how much she'd hate for people to see her like this. This is a cruel disease for all of us and I find myself wishing for her release ... and I then I feel guilty. I keep telling my husband that I never want to go through this -- so I'm taking up sky diving, mountain climbing, and any other dangerous hobbies I can think of on my 70th birthday...
I'm with all of you. This has been a tough ten years. There are times I sit in the room with Mom ... and just miss my mommy. And I know how much she'd hate for people to see her like this. This is a cruel disease for all of us and I find myself wishing for her release ... and I then I feel guilty. I keep telling my husband that I never want to go through this -- so I'm taking up sky diving, mountain climbing, and any other dangerous hobbies I can think of on my 70th birthday...
I've been caring for my mom since before my dad passed away from colon cancer almost 4 years ago. She had probably started on the downward spiral before then, but refused to go see any doctor for about 30 years...I'll bet some of her problems could have easily been dealt with back then, but what's past is past. I really miss my mom, who was always my biggest cheerleader. Now when I get depressed, my kids try to cheer me up, but it's not the same! And my mother was always a clotheshorse, wearing fashionable clothing and beautifully-applied makeup even just to go to the grocery store! Now she wears things that don't match, shoes and socks with skirts, etc. I used to gently try to get her to change, but have recently seen that she just doesn't care anymore, which made me cry, since it was just another indication of how little of "my mom" is left in her. I hurt for her when she tries to talk and can't think of the words, and gets angry or sad. I take her to get manicures and pedicures so she can feel pampered. My kids tell me not to go to see her so often, because they don't like to see me so sad when I get home, and they say "She doesn't know who you are anyway." They are right, but as long as I know who she is, I will continue to visit her many times a week, just so I know she hasn't been forgotten. It helps to assuage the guilt I feel for "warehousing" her, when I truly believe in my heart that she has friends and activities there that she enjoys, and would not have if she lived with me, with no one home during the day, and no elderly folks around for her to socialize with. This is hard...and I pray every day that her money lasts as long as she does...I don't care about anything to inherit. I just don't want to have to face putting her in a place that takes Medicaid, because some of those places are truly scary!
I've been caring for my mom since before my dad passed away from colon cancer almost 4 years ago. She had probably started on the downward spiral before then, but refused to go see any doctor for about 30 years...I'll bet some of her problems could have easily been dealt with back then, but what's past is past. I really miss my mom, who was always my biggest cheerleader. Now when I get depressed, my kids try to cheer me up, but it's not the same! And my mother was always a clotheshorse, wearing fashionable clothing and beautifully-applied makeup even just to go to the grocery store! Now she wears things that don't match, shoes and socks with skirts, etc. I used to gently try to get her to change, but have recently seen that she just doesn't care anymore, which made me cry, since it was just another indication of how little of "my mom" is left in her. I hurt for her when she tries to talk and can't think of the words, and gets angry or sad. I take her to get manicures and pedicures so she can feel pampered. My kids tell me not to go to see her so often, because they don't like to see me so sad when I get home, and they say "She doesn't know who you are anyway." They are right, but as long as I know who she is, I will continue to visit her many times a week, just so I know she hasn't been forgotten. It helps to assuage the guilt I feel for "warehousing" her, when I truly believe in my heart that she has friends and activities there that she enjoys, and would not have if she lived with me, with no one home during the day, and no elderly folks around for her to socialize with. This is hard...and I pray every day that her money lasts as long as she does...I don't care about anything to inherit. I just don't want to have to face putting her in a place that takes Medicaid, because some of those places are truly scary!
I truly believe that it's completely normal for us to feel this way -- we're only human. And there's always the knowledge that this is not how our loved ones want to be remembered. I don't think it's selfish to want their suffering to end and, at the same time, for us to be able to stop grieving every day and start the healing process. Hang in there and please stay in touch. Let's all help each other.
I truly believe that it's completely normal for us to feel this way -- we're only human. And there's always the knowledge that this is not how our loved ones want to be remembered. I don't think it's selfish to want their suffering to end and, at the same time, for us to be able to stop grieving every day and start the healing process. Hang in there and please stay in touch. Let's all help each other.
Wow, what a lot of feelings and pain. I have my 93 year old mother with me. I am widowed and unable to work, so can be home with her. It is so painfully difficult to watch a once vibrant alive person become someone who is just sort of going through the motions. I watched my beautiful sister live through many years of alzheimers and no one should have to endure what she did. I absolutely pray for Mom's peaceful release from this life.. I do know it is in God's hands and we never know the reasons but still, I ask that for her, and yes, for myself as well. And I know it is with love and still maybe selfish. But I know I won't have any need to feel guilt when that day comes. She doesn't have the financial resources for any kind of place that could care for her and has a terrible dread of ever having to be "in one of those places." We do need to all help each other. Somehow it comforts to know you are not alone in this place.
Wow, what a lot of feelings and pain. I have my 93 year old mother with me. I am widowed and unable to work, so can be home with her. It is so painfully difficult to watch a once vibrant alive person become someone who is just sort of going through the motions. I watched my beautiful sister live through many years of alzheimers and no one should have to endure what she did. I absolutely pray for Mom's peaceful release from this life.. I do know it is in God's hands and we never know the reasons but still, I ask that for her, and yes, for myself as well. And I know it is with love and still maybe selfish. But I know I won't have any need to feel guilt when that day comes. She doesn't have the financial resources for any kind of place that could care for her and has a terrible dread of ever having to be "in one of those places." We do need to all help each other. Somehow it comforts to know you are not alone in this place.
It's SO comforting to know I wasn't the only one who has felt this way, too. After a failed attempt to have a brain aneurysm repaired, my mom had a massive stroke (in Intensive Care!)which left her paralyzed and severely mentally impaired. She was in a rehab hospital for 2 months and then came home to a hospital bed in the living room. She lingered for 23 months after her doctor told us it would be two months maximum. We learned the hard way, that they can feel a great deal of pain with paralysis and she screamed when she had to be cared for physically. Night after night,I prayed for God to take her Home and after it was over, I got peace that He WAS in control. The good part was the time we got to spend with her going over old memories (her Alzheimer's affected short term memory and was helped by Aricept) Her paralysis turned out to be a blessing because she couldn't wander. Her sweet spirit came out and we had some tender moments.
It's SO comforting to know I wasn't the only one who has felt this way, too. After a failed attempt to have a brain aneurysm repaired, my mom had a massive stroke (in Intensive Care!)which left her paralyzed and severely mentally impaired. She was in a rehab hospital for 2 months and then came home to a hospital bed in the living room. She lingered for 23 months after her doctor told us it would be two months maximum. We learned the hard way, that they can feel a great deal of pain with paralysis and she screamed when she had to be cared for physically. Night after night,I prayed for God to take her Home and after it was over, I got peace that He WAS in control. The good part was the time we got to spend with her going over old memories (her Alzheimer's affected short term memory and was helped by Aricept) Her paralysis turned out to be a blessing because she couldn't wander. Her sweet spirit came out and we had some tender moments.
I really don't think we acctually want our parents to dye only the ulgly thing we see.I love my mother and still see some bad things, But ask yourself one ? when this happens would you want them back as they are now.
I really don't think we acctually want our parents to dye only the ulgly thing we see.I love my mother and still see some bad things, But ask yourself one ? when this happens would you want them back as they are now.
I am so glad that all of you have shared your thoughts and feelings. Some times I feel that I am all alone. My husband is 80 years old. He was diagnosed with alzheimer disease about 1 1/2 years ago. I have watched a man who has spent his life helping other people to becoming a man who just exist from day to day. It is so hard watching him just managing his day to day life. Sometimes I just want to cry watching him. He is having difficulty just doing simple task. Somestimes I feel like I am caring for my child instead of my husband. He is currently in the moderate stage of the disease. I am so scared what the future holds for him and myself. I don't know how to ask for help so I am his only caregiver. I still work part time and I feel this is good because it gets me out of the house. Everyday I think I feel like I am depressed. It seems as if I am looking for something to happen at any given time. Nevertheless thank you all for listening to me.
I am so glad that all of you have shared your thoughts and feelings. Some times I feel that I am all alone. My husband is 80 years old. He was diagnosed with alzheimer disease about 1 1/2 years ago. I have watched a man who has spent his life helping other people to becoming a man who just exist from day to day. It is so hard watching him just managing his day to day life. Sometimes I just want to cry watching him. He is having difficulty just doing simple task. Somestimes I feel like I am caring for my child instead of my husband. He is currently in the moderate stage of the disease. I am so scared what the future holds for him and myself. I don't know how to ask for help so I am his only caregiver. I still work part time and I feel this is good because it gets me out of the house. Everyday I think I feel like I am depressed. It seems as if I am looking for something to happen at any given time. Nevertheless thank you all for listening to me.
Please, please, please - ask for help. I had to learn the hard way that if I don't "put on my oxygen mask first", I'm of no use to my mom. I understand the feeling of having a child -- I often feel like I have an 84 year old toddler ... and worse yet, a toddler who knows all my hot buttons that drive me crazy!! While my situation is difficult, I can't even imagine going through this with my spouse. I feel for you and hope that you'll talk to your local council on aging or Alzheimers Assn to get some ideas of ways you can give yourself little breaks. Don't know about you, but just going to a dollar store and not buying something for Mom's care makes me feel totally decadent -- like I've taken a short holiday... And please visit these forums often. I'm just discovering them and I feel like I have a whole new group of friends. Christee
Please, please, please - ask for help. I had to learn the hard way that if I don't "put on my oxygen mask first", I'm of no use to my mom. I understand the feeling of having a child -- I often feel like I have an 84 year old toddler ... and worse yet, a toddler who knows all my hot buttons that drive me crazy!! While my situation is difficult, I can't even imagine going through this with my spouse. I feel for you and hope that you'll talk to your local council on aging or Alzheimers Assn to get some ideas of ways you can give yourself little breaks. Don't know about you, but just going to a dollar store and not buying something for Mom's care makes me feel totally decadent -- like I've taken a short holiday... And please visit these forums often. I'm just discovering them and I feel like I have a whole new group of friends. Christee
I am a home health care provider and about 75% of my patients have alzheimers and it is truely one of the most devestating diseases known today.We watch our loved ones go from vibrant seniors to a shell of themselves and all we can do is set back and watch. The feelings that each one of us have of early death is normal.If you wanted them to continue suffering then that would be selfish on our part. All we can hope for is the end is sudden and with no pain. Not only as a care giver but as a son who had two parents with alzheimers I know they are much better in heaven where there is no suffering. Jesse
I am a home health care provider and about 75% of my patients have alzheimers and it is truely one of the most devestating diseases known today.We watch our loved ones go from vibrant seniors to a shell of themselves and all we can do is set back and watch. The feelings that each one of us have of early death is normal.If you wanted them to continue suffering then that would be selfish on our part. All we can hope for is the end is sudden and with no pain. Not only as a care giver but as a son who had two parents with alzheimers I know they are much better in heaven where there is no suffering. Jesse
I am a 75 year old male who suffered some brain seizures last September and was under care for 3 months, first at 2 hospitals, then rehabilitation and finally assisted living. Prior to that I was very active and enjoyed excellent health.
During this period I viewed many people with dementia. Recently I completed an Advance Medical Directive saying that I want quality of life and am not interested in quantity of life.
I realize that my family is going to try to save me regardless of how much pain I am suffering.
I see no sense in keeping me alive if I have Alzheimers. What's the point? I would be oblivious to the world and only be a huge pain in the tail for those caring for me, to say nothing of the expense involved. I would like to go to a hospice, get heavily drugged and die a "comfortable" death.
The process I want to execute, i find, is impossible to do.
I am a 75 year old male who suffered some brain seizures last September and was under care for 3 months, first at 2 hospitals, then rehabilitation and finally assisted living. Prior to that I was very active and enjoyed excellent health.
During this period I viewed many people with dementia. Recently I completed an Advance Medical Directive saying that I want quality of life and am not interested in quantity of life.
I realize that my family is going to try to save me regardless of how much pain I am suffering.
I see no sense in keeping me alive if I have Alzheimers. What's the point? I would be oblivious to the world and only be a huge pain in the tail for those caring for me, to say nothing of the expense involved. I would like to go to a hospice, get heavily drugged and die a "comfortable" death.
The process I want to execute, i find, is impossible to do.
Yanotk, my brother and I reached the same conclusion as you. After about seven years of accompanying our beloved mom on her journey with dementia, we know we'd both prefer to end things before we get to the point where living is over - and only existing remains. But what you say is true. There is no way to direct our loved ones to take us somewhere comfortable, have us drugged into oblivion, and let us die peacefully. My mom asked for this "help" almost daily for the past three years. Sometimes she'd be desperate, asking me to shoot her, hang her, push her in front of a bus, 'knock her over the head,' etc. Then she'd get mad because I wouldn't "help." Now her dementia has progressed to the point where her thought processes are almost gone and what's left is how she FEELS - which is confusion and anguish and misery and loss. We recently admitted her to a veterans' home (she was a medic in WWII) and I'll admit that she is more relaxed there. Why? Because she is just sure she can find someone there who will finally "help her" end her misery. So now I deal with her repeated requests for money (so she can pay someone to be her angel of death). When I think about how many of us Baby Boomers are on the way into the dementia/Alzheimer's pool, it boggles my mind. I sure don't want my kids breaking their hearts over me...the way I have with my mom. God help us all...and bless every one of you caregivers.
Yanotk, my brother and I reached the same conclusion as you. After about seven years of accompanying our beloved mom on her journey with dementia, we know we'd both prefer to end things before we get to the point where living is over - and only existing remains. But what you say is true. There is no way to direct our loved ones to take us somewhere comfortable, have us drugged into oblivion, and let us die peacefully. My mom asked for this "help" almost daily for the past three years. Sometimes she'd be desperate, asking me to shoot her, hang her, push her in front of a bus, 'knock her over the head,' etc. Then she'd get mad because I wouldn't "help." Now her dementia has progressed to the point where her thought processes are almost gone and what's left is how she FEELS - which is confusion and anguish and misery and loss. We recently admitted her to a veterans' home (she was a medic in WWII) and I'll admit that she is more relaxed there. Why? Because she is just sure she can find someone there who will finally "help her" end her misery. So now I deal with her repeated requests for money (so she can pay someone to be her angel of death). When I think about how many of us Baby Boomers are on the way into the dementia/Alzheimer's pool, it boggles my mind. I sure don't want my kids breaking their hearts over me...the way I have with my mom. God help us all...and bless every one of you caregivers.
As a hospice administrator and director for over 17 years, I watched so many families struggle with the feelings they had when a family member was stricken with dementia/Alzheimer disease. I had so many things to say to them, i.e., take care of yourself first, it will be alright, don't feel guilty about your feelings, etc, etc. Then my husband developed the disease and all that I knew...flew out the window. It took some time to get myself to remember what I had taught others for so long! I remembered that the families that coped the best were the ones who took one day at a time, cherished the memories, trusted their faith, took care of themselves and became advocates for their loved ones, knowing they couldn't change anything about the progression of the disease but making sure their loved one was cared for and comfortable. God Bless you all.
As a hospice administrator and director for over 17 years, I watched so many families struggle with the feelings they had when a family member was stricken with dementia/Alzheimer disease. I had so many things to say to them, i.e., take care of yourself first, it will be alright, don't feel guilty about your feelings, etc, etc. Then my husband developed the disease and all that I knew...flew out the window. It took some time to get myself to remember what I had taught others for so long! I remembered that the families that coped the best were the ones who took one day at a time, cherished the memories, trusted their faith, took care of themselves and became advocates for their loved ones, knowing they couldn't change anything about the progression of the disease but making sure their loved one was cared for and comfortable. God Bless you all.
Please do go and see her as often as you can. My mother has moderate Alz. and every one of her children visits her at the elder care home, one or another os us, every day - she talks about the old days that she remembers, she laughs over old times, she repeats herself all the time.... but she seems happy. She is still alive to us and I think it is because she gets our visits and we talk to her a lot. Doesn't matter if she forgets the present but talking with us keeps her connected to the past, keeps her alive and happy. They were happy times for her.
Please do go and see her as often as you can. My mother has moderate Alz. and every one of her children visits her at the elder care home, one or another os us, every day - she talks about the old days that she remembers, she laughs over old times, she repeats herself all the time.... but she seems happy. She is still alive to us and I think it is because she gets our visits and we talk to her a lot. Doesn't matter if she forgets the present but talking with us keeps her connected to the past, keeps her alive and happy. They were happy times for her.
This site is a blessing. I thought I was the only one who actually entertained that thought. I recently quit my job to be home with my 92 year old mother and my 89 year old aunt. My mom is semi-invalid and my aunt has Alz. In addition to all that comes with these conditions, I no longer have the income I'm accustomed to getting so things are really tight now. I often think of how it would be if they weren't here and then I feel guilty. My children keep telling me to "put them in a home" and I tell them I did...mine. My aunt has begun "dressing" to go to the doctor twice this morning. Each time I tell her we don't go today, our appointment is not until July. She is on a patch to help with her memory but I see little difference. My house is a mess and that depresses me. I tell myself that I'll get around to cleaning and straightening after they are gone but I still hate the way the house looks. My mom calls me all during the night and my aunt yells out in her sleep. I no longer sleep in a bed, I'm now on the sofa or the recliner so I can be close during the night. Needless to say I'm constantly tired...or lazy. I'm doing the best I can do. I'm too ashamed at the condition of the house to get someone to come in to help and can't afford a cleaning service.
At least I can vent on this site. Thank you for being there for me and pray for us. I know God has each of us in His care and if it gets too bad, He'll make a change.
This site is a blessing. I thought I was the only one who actually entertained that thought. I recently quit my job to be home with my 92 year old mother and my 89 year old aunt. My mom is semi-invalid and my aunt has Alz. In addition to all that comes with these conditions, I no longer have the income I'm accustomed to getting so things are really tight now. I often think of how it would be if they weren't here and then I feel guilty. My children keep telling me to "put them in a home" and I tell them I did...mine. My aunt has begun "dressing" to go to the doctor twice this morning. Each time I tell her we don't go today, our appointment is not until July. She is on a patch to help with her memory but I see little difference. My house is a mess and that depresses me. I tell myself that I'll get around to cleaning and straightening after they are gone but I still hate the way the house looks. My mom calls me all during the night and my aunt yells out in her sleep. I no longer sleep in a bed, I'm now on the sofa or the recliner so I can be close during the night. Needless to say I'm constantly tired...or lazy. I'm doing the best I can do. I'm too ashamed at the condition of the house to get someone to come in to help and can't afford a cleaning service.
At least I can vent on this site. Thank you for being there for me and pray for us. I know God has each of us in His care and if it gets too bad, He'll make a change.
To Rubij,
"At least I can vent on this site. Thank you for being there for me and pray for us. I know God has each of us in His care and if it gets too bad, He'll make a change."
There are a lot of things I don't understand about god, being an atheist.
Why didn't God make a change when Hitler was killing 6 million jews. That wasn't enough killing and suffering for him to make a change? Or when the USA killed a million innocent Iraqis? That wasn't bad enough for him to make a change? I was recently visiting a retirement home and was at a table with a hundred year old woman who had her wits about her but couldn't hear well, so every one at the tables heard me say that I was an atheist and also heard me say that the neocons were mostly jewish and that they wanted the USA's presence in the Middle East in order to protect Israel. Well after dinner, there were at lease 7 people who spewed their venom at me because "I hated god." There were at least 2 people who thought I was the worst person in the world because I hated the jews.
I don't feel bad because in my own simple mind, I don't hate anybody!
To Rubij,
"At least I can vent on this site. Thank you for being there for me and pray for us. I know God has each of us in His care and if it gets too bad, He'll make a change."
There are a lot of things I don't understand about god, being an atheist.
Why didn't God make a change when Hitler was killing 6 million jews. That wasn't enough killing and suffering for him to make a change? Or when the USA killed a million innocent Iraqis? That wasn't bad enough for him to make a change? I was recently visiting a retirement home and was at a table with a hundred year old woman who had her wits about her but couldn't hear well, so every one at the tables heard me say that I was an atheist and also heard me say that the neocons were mostly jewish and that they wanted the USA's presence in the Middle East in order to protect Israel. Well after dinner, there were at lease 7 people who spewed their venom at me because "I hated god." There were at least 2 people who thought I was the worst person in the world because I hated the jews.
I don't feel bad because in my own simple mind, I don't hate anybody!
yanotk, what some people don't realize is that most atheists don't care what kind of religion you hold dear, or what God you pray to. They just want to be left alone to not worship as they choose. They don't hate God, because it's impossible to hate something you don't believe in. They get irritated with the followers who constantly preach at them. My dad was an unrepentant atheist until his last breath. He said only a coward would change his mind at the last minute...and any God who would accept that was not worth believing in. I held his hand and cried as he passed. And I hope he is at peace and feeling no more pain. If that means he is feeling nothing, then I'm alright with that, because he was.
yanotk, what some people don't realize is that most atheists don't care what kind of religion you hold dear, or what God you pray to. They just want to be left alone to not worship as they choose. They don't hate God, because it's impossible to hate something you don't believe in. They get irritated with the followers who constantly preach at them. My dad was an unrepentant atheist until his last breath. He said only a coward would change his mind at the last minute...and any God who would accept that was not worth believing in. I held his hand and cried as he passed. And I hope he is at peace and feeling no more pain. If that means he is feeling nothing, then I'm alright with that, because he was.
Fiona, you're so right! How can I hate something that I know doesn't exist. I don't hate!
But what I do find extremely annoying are the proselytizers who make the assumption that I believe, "May god bless you!" "Have a blessed day!" And on and on and on. They are "propagating the faith" or so they believe.
The situation that I dread the most, and it has happened to me, is to sit next to a proselytizer in an airplane. I'm proud to be an atheist, and admit it candidly, with aplomb. But I should be clever and be devious, which is anathema to me, and lie and say I believe; in order to avoid the repulsive bull-crap being dumped on me. I wanted to use a stronger word to emphasize my displeasure, but it would only give the religious fanatics another reason to "hate me."
Fiona, you're so right! How can I hate something that I know doesn't exist. I don't hate!
But what I do find extremely annoying are the proselytizers who make the assumption that I believe, "May god bless you!" "Have a blessed day!" And on and on and on. They are "propagating the faith" or so they believe.
The situation that I dread the most, and it has happened to me, is to sit next to a proselytizer in an airplane. I'm proud to be an atheist, and admit it candidly, with aplomb. But I should be clever and be devious, which is anathema to me, and lie and say I believe; in order to avoid the repulsive bull-crap being dumped on me. I wanted to use a stronger word to emphasize my displeasure, but it would only give the religious fanatics another reason to "hate me."
Yanotk, most people who say "God bless you" or any other faith-type statement aren't prosletyzing; they are simply wishing good feelings and happiness for you, and that is how they express it, because they believe in God (as do I). Just nod and smile and they'll leave you alone. You don't have to be clever and devious, but neither should you be "spouting" what you know will feel to other people to be hatred and viciousness. I don't really want to get into this; that isn't what this site is for. I don't care what you believe or don't believe, just that you be a just, caring, compassionate, and good person. People need what helps them and gives them strength and hope when they're facing difficult times; don't try to take that away from them. I hope, for your sake, if you're in the grip of Alzheimer's, that you'll be able to go out as you wish and be at peace. That's all any of us want.
Yanotk, most people who say "God bless you" or any other faith-type statement aren't prosletyzing; they are simply wishing good feelings and happiness for you, and that is how they express it, because they believe in God (as do I). Just nod and smile and they'll leave you alone. You don't have to be clever and devious, but neither should you be "spouting" what you know will feel to other people to be hatred and viciousness. I don't really want to get into this; that isn't what this site is for. I don't care what you believe or don't believe, just that you be a just, caring, compassionate, and good person. People need what helps them and gives them strength and hope when they're facing difficult times; don't try to take that away from them. I hope, for your sake, if you're in the grip of Alzheimer's, that you'll be able to go out as you wish and be at peace. That's all any of us want.
I to am in at least one of the same situation I am taking 100 percent total care of my MOM at my apt. and at the same time manage her house affairs I have a family which is 3 brothers.1 lives in Ohio The 2 live in the same state as I do The oldest does'nt call or have anything to do with her care Then it the brother that live in her house he help pay the bills and he offer me help with MOM But he do not feel comfortable with the potty job so I try nit to ask him to watch her Then I have 3 sisters 1 live in her house and do not help me with her care and then 1 that live on the next street and do not help All of the above are all well Then I have 1 sister with major health prob. She offer but I have not had to call her I to found this site and on days when I feel down I go to this site and I feel so much better I do not asked them for help I apply to all kinds of services And have recieved plenty of help It has been a blessing to me I get some me time so I can breathe I pray for my stenghth to take care of her at home for as long as I can She is still able for me to take care of by myself She is 84 yrs. old She said before she got sick Do not put her in a home, So I did have a lot of guilt feelings But I have talked to all types of people in all types of life And now I feel O. K. when I can not take care of her or I see it is time fopr her to go to a home I am going to do that and feel good Because I am and will willdo until the bitter end And that is the part that keep me going Knowing I did all I could
I to am in at least one of the same situation I am taking 100 percent total care of my MOM at my apt. and at the same time manage her house affairs I have a family which is 3 brothers.1 lives in Ohio The 2 live in the same state as I do The oldest does'nt call or have anything to do with her care Then it the brother that live in her house he help pay the bills and he offer me help with MOM But he do not feel comfortable with the potty job so I try nit to ask him to watch her Then I have 3 sisters 1 live in her house and do not help me with her care and then 1 that live on the next street and do not help All of the above are all well Then I have 1 sister with major health prob. She offer but I have not had to call her I to found this site and on days when I feel down I go to this site and I feel so much better I do not asked them for help I apply to all kinds of services And have recieved plenty of help It has been a blessing to me I get some me time so I can breathe I pray for my stenghth to take care of her at home for as long as I can She is still able for me to take care of by myself She is 84 yrs. old She said before she got sick Do not put her in a home, So I did have a lot of guilt feelings But I have talked to all types of people in all types of life And now I feel O. K. when I can not take care of her or I see it is time fopr her to go to a home I am going to do that and feel good Because I am and will willdo until the bitter end And that is the part that keep me going Knowing I did all I could
I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS WITH MY MOM FOR 8 YEARS. I WOULD NEVER PUT HER IN A NURSING HOME, BUT HERE IN TEXAS THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION. I FOUND A PERSONAL CARE HOME, WHICH IS AFORDABLE, AND ONLY HAS FOUR PATIENTS. A MARRIED COUPLE HAS THE LARGEST BEDROOM, MY MOTHER HAS A MIDDLE BEDROOM AND ANOTHER WOMAN HAS A BEDROOM ACROSS THE HALL. THE OWNER HAS THE BACK BEDROOM. SHE HAS A HOUSEKEEPER, A COOK, AND AN AIDE. MOTHER HAS RECENTLY HAD SOME TIA'S SO I COME AND SPEND THE NIGHT IN HER ROOM, IN A RECLINER. SHE IS WITH HOSPICE AND GETTING PLENTY OF ATTENTION. DEPENDING ON THE STATE YOU'RE IN, YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO THIS. I HAVE HAD BACK SURGERY AND CANNOT LIFT HER. THIS HOME PROVIDES CARE I CANNOT GIVE. I THANK THE GOOD LORD EVERYDAY FOR OPENING THIS AVENUE FOR US. SHE IS HAPPY IN HER SANE MOMENTS AND FEELS MORE SECURE.
I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS WITH MY MOM FOR 8 YEARS. I WOULD NEVER PUT HER IN A NURSING HOME, BUT HERE IN TEXAS THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION. I FOUND A PERSONAL CARE HOME, WHICH IS AFORDABLE, AND ONLY HAS FOUR PATIENTS. A MARRIED COUPLE HAS THE LARGEST BEDROOM, MY MOTHER HAS A MIDDLE BEDROOM AND ANOTHER WOMAN HAS A BEDROOM ACROSS THE HALL. THE OWNER HAS THE BACK BEDROOM. SHE HAS A HOUSEKEEPER, A COOK, AND AN AIDE. MOTHER HAS RECENTLY HAD SOME TIA'S SO I COME AND SPEND THE NIGHT IN HER ROOM, IN A RECLINER. SHE IS WITH HOSPICE AND GETTING PLENTY OF ATTENTION. DEPENDING ON THE STATE YOU'RE IN, YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO THIS. I HAVE HAD BACK SURGERY AND CANNOT LIFT HER. THIS HOME PROVIDES CARE I CANNOT GIVE. I THANK THE GOOD LORD EVERYDAY FOR OPENING THIS AVENUE FOR US. SHE IS HAPPY IN HER SANE MOMENTS AND FEELS MORE SECURE.
We do not have anything like that in the state I live in. Normally I would never think about putting her in a home. But I forgot to mention that I have major health problems. So if my health goes and is going as I speak What can I do? Both of would be down sick ,as it is now there is no one helping me. So before I see that happens I would rather she be in a place for someone to take care of her.
We do not have anything like that in the state I live in. Normally I would never think about putting her in a home. But I forgot to mention that I have major health problems. So if my health goes and is going as I speak What can I do? Both of would be down sick ,as it is now there is no one helping me. So before I see that happens I would rather she be in a place for someone to take care of her.
I know "nursing home" has become a four-letter word because so many people have had terrible experiences, but I want to share a different story. My mother was unusual, perhaps, because all her life she said she WANTED to go to a veterans' home "when the time came." She told everyone she didn't want her children taking care of her, especially when it came to personal hygiene issues, etc. So after living with my family for five years, riding the roller coaster that is Dementia, the chaos of our normal life (jobs and kids and pets and noise) became too much for my mother. She withdrew, became delusional, talked of suicide, wanted to stay in bed and didn't want to eat. I became depressed, overweight, sleep-deprived, forgetful and unable to take care of my kids and husband (my kids were trying to take care of ME). So with everyone's agreement (including hers when she was lucid enough to understand), we admitted Mom to a terrific state veterans home just 10 minutes from our house. Within two days, she was walking and talking again. She didn't make sense, but at least she was interacting with the world and feeling more independent. The CNAs, nurses, social workers and activity coordinators for her memory care unit are great. She likes having "her own place" and her own stories to tell, and she's so much safer there than she was in our home. We can visit any time, day or night, and my kids' school bands and choruses regularly perform there. She is still a part of our family and community, but is safer and happier than she had been for years in our home. The only guilt I feel is that I didn't move her sooner (she asked). I know this is just one family's experience, and I'm not saying a veterans' or other nursing home would be right for anyone else...but I am saying that it might be. No one should ever feel guilty (or try to make someone else feel guilty) about being unable to care for a demented adult in their home 24/7. Every journey is unique...and I only hope each of you find your way through it without losing yourself as I began to do.
I know "nursing home" has become a four-letter word because so many people have had terrible experiences, but I want to share a different story. My mother was unusual, perhaps, because all her life she said she WANTED to go to a veterans' home "when the time came." She told everyone she didn't want her children taking care of her, especially when it came to personal hygiene issues, etc. So after living with my family for five years, riding the roller coaster that is Dementia, the chaos of our normal life (jobs and kids and pets and noise) became too much for my mother. She withdrew, became delusional, talked of suicide, wanted to stay in bed and didn't want to eat. I became depressed, overweight, sleep-deprived, forgetful and unable to take care of my kids and husband (my kids were trying to take care of ME). So with everyone's agreement (including hers when she was lucid enough to understand), we admitted Mom to a terrific state veterans home just 10 minutes from our house. Within two days, she was walking and talking again. She didn't make sense, but at least she was interacting with the world and feeling more independent. The CNAs, nurses, social workers and activity coordinators for her memory care unit are great. She likes having "her own place" and her own stories to tell, and she's so much safer there than she was in our home. We can visit any time, day or night, and my kids' school bands and choruses regularly perform there. She is still a part of our family and community, but is safer and happier than she had been for years in our home. The only guilt I feel is that I didn't move her sooner (she asked). I know this is just one family's experience, and I'm not saying a veterans' or other nursing home would be right for anyone else...but I am saying that it might be. No one should ever feel guilty (or try to make someone else feel guilty) about being unable to care for a demented adult in their home 24/7. Every journey is unique...and I only hope each of you find your way through it without losing yourself as I began to do.
I am glad to see that there are other people who feel the same way I do about people going on and on with dementia and not having a quality to life. My father had Parkinson's with dementia and was not able to do anything for several of the last years he was alive. My mother refused to put him in a nursing home and had a home health worker who came in everyday to get him up and dressed and in a chair for the day and then came back at night to get him ready to go to bed and get him in bed. I told my mother that she needed to take care of herself also and that she was going to end up sick. My father died about 3 years ago and now my mother has alz and I am taking care of her. It is really hard to watch someone deterioate and my mother has still not gotten over my dad passing away. I have just gotten a woman to come in Monday thru Friday to stay with my mom so that my husband and I can have some relief. My mother has really declined in the last two years and is not very happy with the way her life has turned out. I was trying to do everything myself and I had to realize I needed help. This is the hardest type of disease to deal with. I feel like we are kinder to our pets and let them go peacefully when they no longer have any quality to their life. I am so relieved to see that so many other people in this situation feel the same way.
I am glad to see that there are other people who feel the same way I do about people going on and on with dementia and not having a quality to life. My father had Parkinson's with dementia and was not able to do anything for several of the last years he was alive. My mother refused to put him in a nursing home and had a home health worker who came in everyday to get him up and dressed and in a chair for the day and then came back at night to get him ready to go to bed and get him in bed. I told my mother that she needed to take care of herself also and that she was going to end up sick. My father died about 3 years ago and now my mother has alz and I am taking care of her. It is really hard to watch someone deterioate and my mother has still not gotten over my dad passing away. I have just gotten a woman to come in Monday thru Friday to stay with my mom so that my husband and I can have some relief. My mother has really declined in the last two years and is not very happy with the way her life has turned out. I was trying to do everything myself and I had to realize I needed help. This is the hardest type of disease to deal with. I feel like we are kinder to our pets and let them go peacefully when they no longer have any quality to their life. I am so relieved to see that so many other people in this situation feel the same way.
I guess I am "lucky"; my nearly 96-year-old mother does not have Alz. or one of the other Dementias.
But, she is in severe pain all of the time now due to compression fractures in her back.
I find myself wishing for her death--and then, of course, feeling so guilty.
I know she wants to die, and has even asked me if I had any sleeping pills!
As others have said, she has always taken such good care of herself--always dressing nicely, carefully applying make-up, and coloring her own hair--all until about a year ago.
It breaks my heart to see how she suffers; she has been hallucinating for the past 5 days, and even begged me not to leave her alone this morning (when I went to work). I know she is in good hands with her caregiver, but it didn't stop the tears from flowing as I left and got in my car!
I am so grateful for this site--to know that I am not the only one to suffer this guilty feeling.
I guess I am "lucky"; my nearly 96-year-old mother does not have Alz. or one of the other Dementias.
But, she is in severe pain all of the time now due to compression fractures in her back.
I find myself wishing for her death--and then, of course, feeling so guilty.
I know she wants to die, and has even asked me if I had any sleeping pills!
As others have said, she has always taken such good care of herself--always dressing nicely, carefully applying make-up, and coloring her own hair--all until about a year ago.
It breaks my heart to see how she suffers; she has been hallucinating for the past 5 days, and even begged me not to leave her alone this morning (when I went to work). I know she is in good hands with her caregiver, but it didn't stop the tears from flowing as I left and got in my car!
I am so grateful for this site--to know that I am not the only one to suffer this guilty feeling.
I to am taking care of my MOM and she has Alz. She was diagnosed 6 yrs. ago.I was feeling guilty also.Bot I talked to my Dr. and the Mental Health Dr,and went in counseling. All of them told me the exact samething.I have done the best that I could do wiyh her at home.They said before I let it get me down and sick,that would be the most caring thing to do is put her in a home,where she will be professionally taken care of.
I to am taking care of my MOM and she has Alz. She was diagnosed 6 yrs. ago.I was feeling guilty also.Bot I talked to my Dr. and the Mental Health Dr,and went in counseling. All of them told me the exact samething.I have done the best that I could do wiyh her at home.They said before I let it get me down and sick,that would be the most caring thing to do is put her in a home,where she will be professionally taken care of.
I am so with you all because every one has something differnt to add But all are in the same boat, Good luck to everyone, Thoughts and Prays
I am so with you all because every one has something differnt to add But all are in the same boat, Good luck to everyone, Thoughts and Prays
I know what you are goimg through, When I decided what was to be done, I made a point to call Alzhemiers assocation, the lady there was very helpful in this matter of putting a parent in nursing home, I ask all my relatives if they won't to care for ? all said no, but they made sure they feeled me with Quilt, After, awhile several years, they seen what was acctually happening & was and is still happening, I have health issues and so dose my husband, And all this is just to let you know you never get use to it but before you take care of your parent You need to take care of yourself. IT WAS THE HARDEST DECSION I EVER MADE< PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT.
I know what you are goimg through, When I decided what was to be done, I made a point to call Alzhemiers assocation, the lady there was very helpful in this matter of putting a parent in nursing home, I ask all my relatives if they won't to care for ? all said no, but they made sure they feeled me with Quilt, After, awhile several years, they seen what was acctually happening & was and is still happening, I have health issues and so dose my husband, And all this is just to let you know you never get use to it but before you take care of your parent You need to take care of yourself. IT WAS THE HARDEST DECSION I EVER MADE< PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT.
My parent has the same illness for nearly fourteen years,Add parkison blood clots and more . One day at a time is all you can do, I love my ? but sincerly have seen alot I 've seen death knock on ? door, But still some how bounces back, I am told people could live up to 20-25 years. I can't see how my Parent could continue on, But. ? does. Many prays
My parent has the same illness for nearly fourteen years,Add parkison blood clots and more . One day at a time is all you can do, I love my ? but sincerly have seen alot I 've seen death knock on ? door, But still some how bounces back, I am told people could live up to 20-25 years. I can't see how my Parent could continue on, But. ? does. Many prays
Take one day at a time.And deal with whatever the situation is at the time.That is all and the best you can do
Take one day at a time.And deal with whatever the situation is at the time.That is all and the best you can do
I hope your mom and you have worked out some kind of mutually beneficial arrangement. Sometimes the caregiver can only hope for better things in the future, and not have anything tangible other than "doing the right thing" as an added incentive. This is an old post of yours, and I apologize for not responding to a newer one. I want to die instead of continuing this caretaking. I am so tired. I care for my mother in law, and there is no financial advantage. I'm paying for my bills, and I pay for some of hers. The house will go to her daughter, who calls once a month. Life is not fair. I have to be strong for my daughter. I don't know what to do. I know and have told all my family that if I become sick, I will disappear, and they will not find me. I will walk into the ocean to meet my Lord. I will never put this burden on anyone. Help me thing straight, please. Thank you for listening.
I hope your mom and you have worked out some kind of mutually beneficial arrangement. Sometimes the caregiver can only hope for better things in the future, and not have anything tangible other than "doing the right thing" as an added incentive. This is an old post of yours, and I apologize for not responding to a newer one. I want to die instead of continuing this caretaking. I am so tired. I care for my mother in law, and there is no financial advantage. I'm paying for my bills, and I pay for some of hers. The house will go to her daughter, who calls once a month. Life is not fair. I have to be strong for my daughter. I don't know what to do. I know and have told all my family that if I become sick, I will disappear, and they will not find me. I will walk into the ocean to meet my Lord. I will never put this burden on anyone. Help me thing straight, please. Thank you for listening.
You didn't say if her son was not able to take care or help you take care of your mother in law. I think you need to let her daughter know that you have your own problems and need some help from her. It is not fair that she will not take responsibility for her own mother. I know what you are feeling because it can get very overwhelming and it just feels like you can't do anymore. I am very lucky to have a very understanding husband but even he was overwhelmed because we could not go out by ourselves so we either had to take my mom or go out separately. It has been a real blessing to have help on 5 days a week. My mother has gone downhill and the doctor thinks she is in the last stage. She now sleeps more and eats less. Just this last week eventhough she wears Depends she has been forgetting to put them on when she takes one pair off or she soaks right thru them. Lots of time I will be talking to her and she apparently doesn't even now what I am saying. I hope you will be able to find some help. Please know that you can always talk to the rest of us that are going thru the same problems.
You didn't say if her son was not able to take care or help you take care of your mother in law. I think you need to let her daughter know that you have your own problems and need some help from her. It is not fair that she will not take responsibility for her own mother. I know what you are feeling because it can get very overwhelming and it just feels like you can't do anymore. I am very lucky to have a very understanding husband but even he was overwhelmed because we could not go out by ourselves so we either had to take my mom or go out separately. It has been a real blessing to have help on 5 days a week. My mother has gone downhill and the doctor thinks she is in the last stage. She now sleeps more and eats less. Just this last week eventhough she wears Depends she has been forgetting to put them on when she takes one pair off or she soaks right thru them. Lots of time I will be talking to her and she apparently doesn't even now what I am saying. I hope you will be able to find some help. Please know that you can always talk to the rest of us that are going thru the same problems.
First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 5 years ago, and although I was relieved when he finally quit suffering and died, It still hurts. My Grandfather had severe heart problems. I was a teen when he had his final heart attack. He was in intensive care at the hospital. I remember seeing him suffer for so long with ongoing heart problems, and never realized how much pain he was in until that day at the hospital. I cried and felt so guilty and told him I had prayed for him to die. He was barely able to speak, but tears flooded down his face, he grabbed my hand, and said "Thank you." I felt so guilty about that. Now that I have seen my Father suffer tremendously from a disease called Progressive Supranuclear Palsy, or PSP, and been through hell and back with my Mother, I understand that it was a loving response in both cases and am so glad to see other's have felt the same way, and that it is a normal response for an abnormal situation. Thank you for your words. Please rest, drink plenty of fluids, and be blessed, knowing your Mom and Dad are in a better place, living it up, and waiting for you when it is your time. Blessings, Mary <>< <><
First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 5 years ago, and although I was relieved when he finally quit suffering and died, It still hurts. My Grandfather had severe heart problems. I was a teen when he had his final heart attack. He was in intensive care at the hospital. I remember seeing him suffer for so long with ongoing heart problems, and never realized how much pain he was in until that day at the hospital. I cried and felt so guilty and told him I had prayed for him to die. He was barely able to speak, but tears flooded down his face, he grabbed my hand, and said "Thank you." I felt so guilty about that. Now that I have seen my Father suffer tremendously from a disease called Progressive Supranuclear Palsy, or PSP, and been through hell and back with my Mother, I understand that it was a loving response in both cases and am so glad to see other's have felt the same way, and that it is a normal response for an abnormal situation. Thank you for your words. Please rest, drink plenty of fluids, and be blessed, knowing your Mom and Dad are in a better place, living it up, and waiting for you when it is your time. Blessings, Mary <>< <><
I to is in the same situation.I have total care of my MOM.I have other family members,but they do not call, check-up on her or at least give me a break.I at one time felt as if I was going to have a nervous break-down.I myself have about 4 major health problems myself.Sometimes I feel like giving up.And then I regain my strenght.I pray for each and everyone of us that is going thru something similar.No one actually know unless they have been thru it before.I too am so Thankful for this site. Love youall and GOD bless
I to is in the same situation.I have total care of my MOM.I have other family members,but they do not call, check-up on her or at least give me a break.I at one time felt as if I was going to have a nervous break-down.I myself have about 4 major health problems myself.Sometimes I feel like giving up.And then I regain my strenght.I pray for each and everyone of us that is going thru something similar.No one actually know unless they have been thru it before.I too am so Thankful for this site. Love youall and GOD bless
Hi all...I see that many of these posts are old but I just wanted to comment on the fact that our medical profession is what keeps our families alive and breathing (whether or not they know it) and as medical advances increase, this creates a problem for the care of our loved ones well after their desire to stay alive. My mom is 87, does not leave the house, is not yet bedridden and is in control of most of her faculties. SHe does however, continue to go to doctor's appointments so that she can see, breathe, hear, etc. even though she often tells us that she would like to stop breathing. She is CO2 retentive and will someday just cease to breathe. She has macular degeneration and has to travel 2 hours to a doctor for a shot and then 2 hours home every 3-4 months so she can see. She hates this trip because she can't breathe while on it. But her only means of entertainment is playing games on the computer or playing card games, which all require your sight. I have to take her on the 4 hour trips and she often does not even want to stop for lunch necessitating a very long day for me. I'm 59 and driving that distance, sometimes sitting and waiting for a minimum of 1-2 hours for the doctor, then the return is very difficult. SO, I like to stop, take a break, etc. and I have to fight with her to do it. SHe prefers going to a drive through and eating in the parking lot to going inside, sitting down, etc. because not only can she not breathe, but she has a problem with incontinence when she can't breathe. Anyway, just venting. I need to go again next week and I'm not looking forward to it. And there are no doctors any closer.
One day I took this trip in a blizzard and could not stop and could not see, etc. but it didn't matter to mom....we just needed to get home. I will not go in a blizzard again, even if it means that she goes blind because I was almost involved in an accident. And of course, if we are forced to postpone an appointment, we have to wait another month or two before we can get another and meanwhile, mom is going blind. It's really too much.
Hi all...I see that many of these posts are old but I just wanted to comment on the fact that our medical profession is what keeps our families alive and breathing (whether or not they know it) and as medical advances increase, this creates a problem for the care of our loved ones well after their desire to stay alive. My mom is 87, does not leave the house, is not yet bedridden and is in control of most of her faculties. SHe does however, continue to go to doctor's appointments so that she can see, breathe, hear, etc. even though she often tells us that she would like to stop breathing. She is CO2 retentive and will someday just cease to breathe. She has macular degeneration and has to travel 2 hours to a doctor for a shot and then 2 hours home every 3-4 months so she can see. She hates this trip because she can't breathe while on it. But her only means of entertainment is playing games on the computer or playing card games, which all require your sight. I have to take her on the 4 hour trips and she often does not even want to stop for lunch necessitating a very long day for me. I'm 59 and driving that distance, sometimes sitting and waiting for a minimum of 1-2 hours for the doctor, then the return is very difficult. SO, I like to stop, take a break, etc. and I have to fight with her to do it. SHe prefers going to a drive through and eating in the parking lot to going inside, sitting down, etc. because not only can she not breathe, but she has a problem with incontinence when she can't breathe. Anyway, just venting. I need to go again next week and I'm not looking forward to it. And there are no doctors any closer.
One day I took this trip in a blizzard and could not stop and could not see, etc. but it didn't matter to mom....we just needed to get home. I will not go in a blizzard again, even if it means that she goes blind because I was almost involved in an accident. And of course, if we are forced to postpone an appointment, we have to wait another month or two before we can get another and meanwhile, mom is going blind. It's really too much.
Dear Linda,
I have changed my screen name to "grateful and learning". I had no idea that so many people are caring for invalid relatives in a loving obligation. I don't want to burden my husband, in that he already knows what we go through, and I don't need to be strong for him. He is such a huge help to me, though for dignity reasons, he doesn't take care of many of the necessary tasks which I do. I'm glad you have found care for your mom 5 days a week, and that you and your husband have a chance to get out together sometimes. We have learned of a grant based service through Lutheran Social Services, which provides respite care relief up to four hours/ week, at no charge. How amazing and wonderful a gift this could be. I wish you health, and strength, and prayers for positive thinking and healing for your mom. I thank God for this website. I don't have anyone else who really understands. Thank you for your kindness.
Dear Linda,
I have changed my screen name to "grateful and learning". I had no idea that so many people are caring for invalid relatives in a loving obligation. I don't want to burden my husband, in that he already knows what we go through, and I don't need to be strong for him. He is such a huge help to me, though for dignity reasons, he doesn't take care of many of the necessary tasks which I do. I'm glad you have found care for your mom 5 days a week, and that you and your husband have a chance to get out together sometimes. We have learned of a grant based service through Lutheran Social Services, which provides respite care relief up to four hours/ week, at no charge. How amazing and wonderful a gift this could be. I wish you health, and strength, and prayers for positive thinking and healing for your mom. I thank God for this website. I don't have anyone else who really understands. Thank you for your kindness.
Dear Mary,
Thank you so much for your sharing about your grandfather, and father and mother. Are you caring for your father, if you don't mind my asking? I don't know anything about PSP, but I'll look up information online. Is there a lot of pain for him? We have tried so many kinds of pain relief for my mother in law; she has degenerative arthritis all over her body. So far, believe it or not, it is regular tylenol, and sometimes tylenol 3 that has helped the most. She has fentynal in a pain patch as well, but she doesn't like it. I pray that your father finds a place of no pain, as possible, and for your continued health and serenity. Thank you for your kind words.
Dear Mary,
Thank you so much for your sharing about your grandfather, and father and mother. Are you caring for your father, if you don't mind my asking? I don't know anything about PSP, but I'll look up information online. Is there a lot of pain for him? We have tried so many kinds of pain relief for my mother in law; she has degenerative arthritis all over her body. So far, believe it or not, it is regular tylenol, and sometimes tylenol 3 that has helped the most. She has fentynal in a pain patch as well, but she doesn't like it. I pray that your father finds a place of no pain, as possible, and for your continued health and serenity. Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you so much for your reply. Do you have any rest or respite from caretaking? If you have a Lutheran Social Services in the near vicinity, they now have a program called the Legacy that allows 4 hours / week of respite relief for a caretaker of ill family members. There is no charge, or eligibility requirements. I have been interviewed, and the associate was so kind and understanding. I don't know if/when they can help us, but the existence of the program alone is gratifying. Perhaps they could help you? Do you have a good doctor to care for your health needs? I pray for your recovery and continued strength.
Thank you so much for your reply. Do you have any rest or respite from caretaking? If you have a Lutheran Social Services in the near vicinity, they now have a program called the Legacy that allows 4 hours / week of respite relief for a caretaker of ill family members. There is no charge, or eligibility requirements. I have been interviewed, and the associate was so kind and understanding. I don't know if/when they can help us, but the existence of the program alone is gratifying. Perhaps they could help you? Do you have a good doctor to care for your health needs? I pray for your recovery and continued strength.
Dear PTCruzr,
I am so sorry you have not only a caretaking challenge of complex proportions, but a doctor accessibility one as well. I assume you have checked all the possible services who could help with transportation. We have a program called DOORS, who provides transportation within a certain radius of miles for doctor and therapy visits. Is there an organization like that where you live? Ours is well respected and used, with high regard and confidence. I would hope that there would be something similar that might give you even occassional relief. I'll pray that things get easier for you and your mom. Thank you for sharing. Keep in touch.
Dear PTCruzr,
I am so sorry you have not only a caretaking challenge of complex proportions, but a doctor accessibility one as well. I assume you have checked all the possible services who could help with transportation. We have a program called DOORS, who provides transportation within a certain radius of miles for doctor and therapy visits. Is there an organization like that where you live? Ours is well respected and used, with high regard and confidence. I would hope that there would be something similar that might give you even occassional relief. I'll pray that things get easier for you and your mom. Thank you for sharing. Keep in touch.
Thanks...I doubt if we have anything like that but I will keep it in mind for the winter months although I'm not sure that they would travel in blizzard conditions. I just wish I could take her someplace closer and there is a doctor within an hour from here but I've been told by 2 separate physicians in two separate firms that he is not a good doctor so I'll continue to get mom to her appointments until such time as I can't anymore. It's so important for her. Otherwise, she loses her sight. If it gets too bad, maybe we will have to go to the "bad" doctor.
We live in a small community at least an hour from a big city so our resources are limited...I just wish there were better resources near here because during that blizzard, I was not only fearful for an accident but only a tiny bump could break so many of mom's bones or kill her and that just adds to the stress. Actually, we travel to Rochester, NY and that's in the snow belt. That day, I tried to outsmart God...I decided that if it was going to snow, that it would be better to have an appointment later in the day and the roads would be cleared....surprise...it started snowing later in the day...didn't clear up until the next morning!!!! My thinking was that in the summer I could go any time but in the winter, I should try to avoid the snow...haven't quite figured that one out yet!!!
Thanks...I doubt if we have anything like that but I will keep it in mind for the winter months although I'm not sure that they would travel in blizzard conditions. I just wish I could take her someplace closer and there is a doctor within an hour from here but I've been told by 2 separate physicians in two separate firms that he is not a good doctor so I'll continue to get mom to her appointments until such time as I can't anymore. It's so important for her. Otherwise, she loses her sight. If it gets too bad, maybe we will have to go to the "bad" doctor.
We live in a small community at least an hour from a big city so our resources are limited...I just wish there were better resources near here because during that blizzard, I was not only fearful for an accident but only a tiny bump could break so many of mom's bones or kill her and that just adds to the stress. Actually, we travel to Rochester, NY and that's in the snow belt. That day, I tried to outsmart God...I decided that if it was going to snow, that it would be better to have an appointment later in the day and the roads would be cleared....surprise...it started snowing later in the day...didn't clear up until the next morning!!!! My thinking was that in the summer I could go any time but in the winter, I should try to avoid the snow...haven't quite figured that one out yet!!!
hello, my hubby not be here much longer, so many things wrong,
our sons up set as we have deceided to be creamion, ashes to go a special place, they all want a furneal, mp.sorry ]]]]]] told them they can do what they want, we wont care;;; my health not good, either, been a care giver 15 ys, its taken it tool on me,.
god bless all of you,
hello, my hubby not be here much longer, so many things wrong,
our sons up set as we have deceided to be creamion, ashes to go a special place, they all want a furneal, mp.sorry ]]]]]] told them they can do what they want, we wont care;;; my health not good, either, been a care giver 15 ys, its taken it tool on me,.
god bless all of you,
jacky...sorry to hear that things are nearing the end for you but I'm sure it will be somewhat of a relief to you. I just wanted to suggest...why not have a memorial service with the cremated remains of your husband and pictures of him during a better time. I attended such a service and it was really very nice. This young man was only 50 when he died of MS but there were wonderful memories on display and it really helped. Just a suggestion. God Bless you and take care of yourself.
jacky...sorry to hear that things are nearing the end for you but I'm sure it will be somewhat of a relief to you. I just wanted to suggest...why not have a memorial service with the cremated remains of your husband and pictures of him during a better time. I attended such a service and it was really very nice. This young man was only 50 when he died of MS but there were wonderful memories on display and it really helped. Just a suggestion. God Bless you and take care of yourself.
Here in the Uk we have a Carers Association which I recommend. There are regular meetings to discuss problems, exchange stories,views etc. They regularly 'take on the Government' about issues such as increasing carer's allowance, the rights of the disabled/sick. It is much like this site in that I have made many friends who have been in the same situation as myself (I have nursed my mother through Dementia for 8 years giving 24/7 care)Although I have other friends, they do not understand the mixture of emotions as they have not experienced it for themselves. If you don't have something like this in your country maybe start one I'm sure it would take off, bloody Alzheimers is everywhere. Our association has help with funding from the government and relies heavily on donations but their services such as a sitting service where volunteers (who have been vetted and are usually former carers who have used this service themselves) come to sit with your loved one while you get a well deserved break, be it going shopping or meeting up with long lost friends whatever helps. You can fully relax knowing they are looked after as you wish so their routine isn't changed and they stay in their own familiar surroundings. It's a God-send. As for the latter stages of Dementia I agree take each day as it comes,enjoy the good days and when you have difficult ones think to yourself tomorrow will be better. Try not to look too far ahead as this will only make you feel depressed. Take small pleasure in knowing that you are giving the best care you can, that no one else can know their likes and dislikes and on their good days they feel content to be in your care. My mother became totally dependant unable to do anything for herself and I pride myself that she never had any bed sores, was always clean and smelt lovely. Her bedroom warm and cosy and she was surrounded by family that loved her dearly. While the illness was beyond my control her surroundings weren't. One day while attending to my mum, who often was in a world of her own, I was putting on her slippers and suddenly she put her hand on my head in such an affectionate way when I looked up she was really looking at me like she used to do, like she knew who I was. It didn't last long but I like to think it was her way of telling me I was doing ok and she appreciated everything. I had a good cry afterwards as it hit home how much I missed her and how much I had been running on 'automatic pilot' getting through the endless days of caring with no interaction from her. It might seem like a thankless task at times but we should be proud of what we do.
Here in the Uk we have a Carers Association which I recommend. There are regular meetings to discuss problems, exchange stories,views etc. They regularly 'take on the Government' about issues such as increasing carer's allowance, the rights of the disabled/sick. It is much like this site in that I have made many friends who have been in the same situation as myself (I have nursed my mother through Dementia for 8 years giving 24/7 care)Although I have other friends, they do not understand the mixture of emotions as they have not experienced it for themselves. If you don't have something like this in your country maybe start one I'm sure it would take off, bloody Alzheimers is everywhere. Our association has help with funding from the government and relies heavily on donations but their services such as a sitting service where volunteers (who have been vetted and are usually former carers who have used this service themselves) come to sit with your loved one while you get a well deserved break, be it going shopping or meeting up with long lost friends whatever helps. You can fully relax knowing they are looked after as you wish so their routine isn't changed and they stay in their own familiar surroundings. It's a God-send. As for the latter stages of Dementia I agree take each day as it comes,enjoy the good days and when you have difficult ones think to yourself tomorrow will be better. Try not to look too far ahead as this will only make you feel depressed. Take small pleasure in knowing that you are giving the best care you can, that no one else can know their likes and dislikes and on their good days they feel content to be in your care. My mother became totally dependant unable to do anything for herself and I pride myself that she never had any bed sores, was always clean and smelt lovely. Her bedroom warm and cosy and she was surrounded by family that loved her dearly. While the illness was beyond my control her surroundings weren't. One day while attending to my mum, who often was in a world of her own, I was putting on her slippers and suddenly she put her hand on my head in such an affectionate way when I looked up she was really looking at me like she used to do, like she knew who I was. It didn't last long but I like to think it was her way of telling me I was doing ok and she appreciated everything. I had a good cry afterwards as it hit home how much I missed her and how much I had been running on 'automatic pilot' getting through the endless days of caring with no interaction from her. It might seem like a thankless task at times but we should be proud of what we do.
Log-on to the website for the organization Not Dead Yet and you might change your mind about euthanasia of people with disabilities. Jack Kervorkian passed away.
Log-on to the website for the organization Not Dead Yet and you might change your mind about euthanasia of people with disabilities. Jack Kervorkian passed away.