With regard to giving care, in any capacity, to your parents, do you feel as though your siblings and/or family help enough? I'm wondering if the majority of us feel some resentment or quite content. You can simply post "yes" or "no", but please feel free to add any comments!
Thanks for your participation!
Hi Missy,
I took care of my grandparents alone..At first I was resentful of them for not putting forth any effort to help me..I had to quit my job because they required so much help..I guess you could say I was lucky to be able to quit but at the time it didn't feel that way..I loved my work and with a little help I could have kept working..
After a while I wasn't resentful anymore..I really got to a point that it was normal to do everything I did..
You have to keep in mind that I cared for them for 21 years so that makes a huge difference I think..
Hi Missy,
Thank You for the opportunity to vent! My family consists of my Mother who has COPD, Autoimmune Hepatitis, and Myelodysplasia. My brother was in a motorcycle accident in 1995, his right arm was amputated, and he has chronic pain due to brachio plexus injury to his spinal chord. His pain medications cause loss of memory, inability to reason simple problems, he forgets to eat and care for himself.
I love my mother and brother more than my life itself, but there are days when I want to go out into our backyard and scream til I have no voice left. My mother's illnesses are not her fault, its the hand she has been dealt. But I am angry that she is sick. I am angry that these diseases (COPD and Myelodysplasia) could take her life, so I enjoy every moment with her that I can. She and I get along "like two peas in a pod" as the saying goes.
But my brother knew when he left that New Years eve party on a rainy night, he shouldve stayed. His decision has effected both my Mom's life and mine. Taking care of Mom is difficult enough, but (God Forgive Me) sometimes I resent having to take care of my brother. I resent it and I feel guilty and helpless. I am grateful that there are days when he can leave the house and go to his friends, if anything it gives Mom and I peace for awhile. My brother and I get along together, but we are as different as night and day... He sleeps most of the day away, and is up and awake most of the night... Well, caregiving gets overwhelming when I am awake during the day to care for Mom, and awake part of the night caring for him as well.
I am here caregiving my family on my own. Somedays, it feels quite a lonely place to be in this life. I have no other family to help. I feel like I'm losing my sanity due to the stress.
I feel so guilty that I feel so much resentment. I don't have a life outside of caregiving for my family. Its beginning to take it's toll on me. I realize I need to get out on my own but its very difficult when someone wants to be near you all day everyday...Anyway...
Its an honor that God sees me as someone strong enough to deal with this situation. Mom has always told me " If you think you have it so bad...There is someone out there in the world who wishes they're life was/is as easy as yours." I pray for those who are caregiving to their loved ones, it makes me feel like I'm not the only one."
Oh Sonni, you've got so much on your plate. How could you not feel resentful sometimes? Sure, there are other people whose lives are difficult, but that fact doesn't minimize your burden -- nor should it invalidate your feelings.
I just read your responses to robb, another caregiver whose mother has COPD, and I was almost moved to tears. You gave such insightful advice about carving out time for yourself...please heed your own words and don't give into your guilt! Getting out on your own is essential.
You can think of it as necessary self-care: if you don't nourish and replenish yourself, you won't be able to care for your family.
Much love to you.
absolutely NOT! What they do, do is come up with the most creative excuses & i'm sorry. Then they tell me how they'd like 5minutes alone or how tired they are. Mom was living with my sister who passed away in june, this year. So without us (me & my sister&brother) knowing she moved in with our younger bro.& his wife. No consideration at all to driving distances, i am 100mi away( & have aways driven to take my turns) well, long story short, mom kept asking where her check went. barb(my sister) & i thought it was odd that when she came to visit, she had no $. When she was living with my late sister, she always had $ so she could shop, or go out to eat. and her food stamp card so she could buy something special if she wanted to. ( don't worry , we didn't make her go with out) . After a few times, we looked into it & found that they had a really good time with her check book-to the tune of 8000.00, wiped out all of her foodstamps,(& didn't bother to recert so she lost them) Aug.14th, she called me & said please come & get me , i can't stay here. so i did. the plan was for my sister barb, to get an apartment big enough for mom, because thats where mom wants to be. mom had another stroke, & has been doing rehab (at home) since sept. My whole life is upside down. i am stuck at our cottage 100 miles from my home, because thats where it happened. This is so hard, i feel like i am working at a nursing home. I love my mom very much, but i am a 2x breast cancer survivor 57ys old. where are these people who wanted her to move in or help out? Momsma
I am new here. I am my mother in laws caregiver. No one in her family calls or comes to help. They dropped by without calling last week. (without so much as a call in three months since I moved her here from the nursing home) Not one offer to take her out to lunch or sit with her for a bit to give me a break. I have aids coming 4 days a week for four hours a day. That is not a break because I am still bothered about things the whole time an aid is here. I have told them to pretend I am not here. No such luck. I am supposed to have an aid 7 days a week but of course that doesnt happen. God forgive me, but there are times I dont even want to hear or see my mother in law. I took her in because nobody else would. She cant even use the restroom anymore and changing her gets to be a pain in the neck. I have a 13 year old daughter, an 8 year old son, and a husband. I am so tired and nobody around me understands. I feel sooooo bad when I voice how I feel so I rarely say anything about it.
Hi ladies,
I just want to add that this is a safe place for you to talk frankly about how your feeling. Never feel guilty about venting here. This is a spot where you can get much needed support.
Momsma, you sure do sound stuck! I know this sounds drastic, but is there any legal action you can take against your mom's previous care givers for taking her money?
usamomof2, do you think you could call those family members that dropped by unannounced and say, "I've got XYZ to do next weekend. I really need for mom to come stay with you those days" or "I really need for you to come sit her with for the day"? Sometimes folks feel guilty about not helping me and therefore uncomfortable around the one they know is doing all the work. They won't offer to help because they're afraid it'll something like "Oh you want to help now? What about when she was in the nursing home and no one would help then?!" But maybe if you can ask in a nice, but firm way, they may be willing?
Hi !
Thanks for your post Missy! I do plan to take legal action against my brother & his spend happy wife. I have been so busy with Moms care that i havn't been able to think straight, but yes they are not going to get away with that. I spoke with my bro( the nice one:), and told him that it would be nice if Mom could come to his house for the summer. LOL! He came & took her for the weekend. Thats after , well we work no ones home . si i say, well look for some one to sit with her & we will pay the person, well THAT really shook him. no i can't because.......on & on. I said the same thing to my sister & she said haha i'm with you all summer! i told her thats ok you can still have the responsibility. The problem is i do ask them nicely,as well as firmly, no luck.
Does anyone else fel like this? It may sound rather strange. I am 57 yrs old, & watching her struggle day to day really scares me. Mom is 21 yrs older than i am, and sometimes i get downright depressed thinking that the next 20 yrs of my life will be spent as a caretaker, then it may be my turn, so basically the only good yrs. i have left are these. I love Mom, its just so hard.
On a lighter note, we went grocery shopping & today she drove the scooter! I was getting nervous
(Mom never drove) Good Thing she hit the pop machine, as we were pulling in the check out line!
She almost ran me over, She cracking up! (it was sooo funny) She was a little embassed, but i'm just glad she didn't have to potty! THEN we might have been in trouble Deb
Hi usamomof2,
How old is your mother in law? This may seem like strange question but, why is it that you felt compelled to take her out of the nursing home? I admire your compassion & courage, but when life gets that difficult, it sounds as though you may need to rethink your decision. Does your husband help you with her care?( Some men think that caretaking is "womans" work.), If he doesn't participate , maybe he needs to take a walk in your shoes . If hes a helper , then good for you!! Some aids will let you leave while they are there, have you asked what their policy is? If they cannot let you leave, can you go in your bedroom? That is what my sister did when Mom lived with her. She would excuse herself & ask not to be disturbed, unless its absolutely necessary. This really is tougher than raising my 3 boys, my heart goes out to you & yours, wishing you peace tonight deb
Is it too late to vent?? I see the last post was 1 month ago but I just gotta let it all out! Daddy died 2 1/2 yrs ago and Mom stroked out and I found out she was real sick and didnt even know it. She's had 2 strokes-now paralyzed on 1 side and is wheel chair bound, ended up with 5 stints in her heart, 1 to her kidney, has ended up having both carotoid artery surgeries done, diabetic and has hypothyroidism. Whew! She ended up in a nursing home from Aug 06-Oct 06 but c-diff almost did her in. I brought her home from the hospital on Oct 23, 2006 and she's lived with me ever since.
So, I work full time during the day and take care of her all other times. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. One sister takes care of her while I work and gets paid from moms social security. The other sister, hardly ever see her. Only 1 of my brothers helps, every couple of months he takes mom to his house for the weekend. I'm pretty much stuck. I love my mother dearly and will not send her back to a nursing home-they are terrible places. All I ask if for regular breaks from my family which I do not get. Mom has me up atleast 1-2 on average every night to use the bathroom. I am so sleep deprived that i've gained weight-from being dependent on caffeine sodas. My fiance left me almost exactly 1 year ago. I've pretty much given up everything and I'm feeling lonely, depressed and resentful.
Pray for me folks. This holiday season seems to be so much harder than last year.
Vent away at any time, GaGal! *hugs* We're here for you. I'm so sorry you feel pretty stranded by your family. Think there is any chance, if you ask directly, that they'll help out more? And if you've already tried that approach, maybe ask them for money to hire someone. Wonder if that would motivate them to spend a little more time.
Great question Missy; I find those who post here know the right wording and are very compassionate. Caregivers do so out of love and respect, but rarely think of themselves before it's too late.
Well, I'd like to add my two cents, and hope that anyone and everyone who is a caregiver learn from my story. I was the caregiver for both of my parents, for years. I finally found a part time caregiver who could take my mother 3 times a week. I had already moved them both in with me (bought a house large enough), and had told my siblings, all of which never helped and even though some lived far away, they called only once a month to speak to mom and dad, but not me.
Then the worse thing that could happen did; I shattered my elbow and was in need of a caregiver myself. Ofcourse I notified the rest of the family, and not one person responded........ They did not believe that our parents were that bad. When the time came when each passed, it was me who notified the family. It was me at their deathbeds, helping them pass on with love and compassion. And it was me who was angry by everyone else's lack of concern over what was needed on a daily basis.
I lost both of my parents months apart about a year ago. Since then the siblings have reconciled with me, and only now do they recognize the health issues, and stress that I have gone through. Their lives didn't change due to my parents death as mine did. My parents were a huge part of my life. So I am dealing with memories that no one else has, but I also got to share time with my parents that everyone else didn't. I guess it's a good trade.
However, I would suggest if you're dealing with siblings or in laws that won't help, make sure that the person you're caring for has a living trust, and that you have a power or attorney over their health, financials, etc. This will benefit you as a caregiver, as you'll legally be in control to make decisions and be able to carry out their wishes and ensure that everything is handled correctly. Plus when people get to a point where they need a caregiver, you'll always have others that did not help begin coming around, since they're sure they will be entitled to any money or other items when the time comes. People's true colors come out when someone passes, unfortunately. I love Momsma posting; caregiving is very rough, but if you can see the laughter through the tears, then you know the real reason you're there.
Caregivers are normally very close to those they are caring for. Ofcourse it is a painful and tiring job. But speaking from experience, I would not have traded it for the world. In my care, my mother was always safe and happy. When I shattered my elbow, she was out of my care for two weeks and broke her hip...... So imagine me, about 3 weeks after surgery, with stitches in my head and my arm in a cast, as my father was too ill to go to the hospital with me. So been there, done that.
Protect yourself by speaking to the person you're caring for about a living trust, and ensure that they go to an attorney for legal advice. This way whatever is decided will stand up in court. And it's not that I'm looking at it as a way to get whatever you can from this person; it's to make sure you have the legal backing to carry out their wishes. Most people that don't step in to help when you need it and only want money will go about it illegally - so cover yourself, as you have enough to think about.
Ofcourse my family now sees what happened in the past. They have much more respect for what occurred, as they witnessed some of it firsthand. It doesn't matter anyway, as the one thing I want most in life is something I can't have, which is my parent's back with me.
But I now bear mental and physical scars, that even with time will never heal. Educate yourself on the options you have such as respite care, and when to make what decisions. Because in the end, most of the time, you're the only voice they have.
{{{Robin}}}
I couldn't have said it more eloquently ..
I cared for my grandparents and my father-in-law to the end.
My grandma for over 20 years without help from siblings. I also was alone with them when they died and I would do it again if only I could have them back in my life..
Your comments and suggestions obviously come from experience and a place of love in your heart..
You are truly a very special person and you will always have special memories. as I do, because of the closeness and love.
I know that it was hard but also so special.. As I read your post I wanted to reach through the monitor and hug you..
With heartfelt feelings.
Cindy
Robin!Thank you for the responses. I'm currently working on a book about their journey together (they were married 60 years and passed 3 months apart). I believe that caregiving is a very under covered issue, and more people need to be aware of the dangers and joys that come with it. I applaud all those that do it, for the quiet times with the one you love are worth the effort.
Thank you again. :)
Robin,
Thats great! You are right caregiving is a topic that isn't talked about nearly enough.. It is hard, can be dangerous and has so many twists and turns that people should be aware of.
The closeness and love that can be shared is the gift that can shine so brightly.
If all that are about to be caregivers had just some of the knowledge that we learn over the years, it could ease their path even if just a little..We learn as we go and there is little doubt that if we knew some of the important things that we should know ahead of time it would surely lessen the stress of the moment again and again..
I once again applaud you for doing what your doing. If writing this book even helps a few, its a gift that will pay forward over and over again...
Thanks
Cindy
Well put; I've had people look at me like I'm crazy, but then they have no clue, as they haven't done it as extensively as we have. I truly commend people like you and hope we can converse, as I'd love to include what I can for those who truly need it.
To Gagal: I know it's been incredibly hard for you for a while now. Have you checked into Scan insurance, as they offer respite care (it use to be 4-8 hours every week, at $10.00) which might help. Also there are A LOT of seniors that could work for minimal pay to help with respite care for you. They are more reliable and comforting as well.
Hang in there. I know it's hard, but in order to care for your mom, you need to care for yourself first. And I KNOW you've heard that one before, but I swear it is true. I didn't listen until it was too late......
Sure we can Robin. I have also had people look at me that way, until they need help..Quite a few of my friends are just starting to help their parents now.
I am getting lots of calls from friends and friends of friends wanting to know everything that I can tell them...
Its hard as you know and I am sure the calls will continue as they come across new issues as time goes on..
Maybe we could exchange email addys or something..Not sure if we can get email addys for each other here or not.
Sure is nice to meet you..
Cindy
I am in a similar situation being the caretaker. You mention that you've reconciled with your siblings. I can't get over the way my siblings have treated me or my sick mom. They would like to move forward with me and have a relationship. However, they will not discuss the pain they have inflicted. My mom is still alive but I can't even stand to see them. So I'd like to know how you could forgive them and have a relationship. I know they weren't there for her so why would they be for me. I know that I love differently.
Well, forgiving is a difficult step with lots of layers. You still have your mother, and for that I am grateful for you. When I lost my mom, it changed how I felt about everything in my life. Nothing meant anything to me anymore. I made if perfectly clear to everyone in my family that anything else I lost, except for my father would not bother me. And I was ready to write them off as well. When my mother passed, it's as if the bonds were broken, and as a family, we needed to recreate a family unit and either come together or go our separate ways. I guess I earned their respect when they saw how it changed me.
It's a very difficult space you're in right now. You're her protector and her voice and you see the injustice in it all. She is still alive and you're in the middle of it. You stated that they will not discuss the pain they have inflicted. It sounds as if you have more than just a caregiving issue going on.
I cannot suggest to you what you should do, but I can suggest that you can be honest here, as there is a wealth of information and compassion that can be passed on to you, which you so desperately need. As a caregiver for a person you so obviously love, you take on the job as protector as well, and most often do what needs to be done, whatever the cost. Some people just aren't "built" that way; they think about themselves first - forgetting the rest.
Speaking from experience, it takes each person to see the other as a soul that feels pain. It also takes each one to respect the other for what they've brought to the table. Once your parents are gone, the fabric of your whole history takes on a new meaning. Maybe in the past, you can find the answers that you're looking for.
Again, you're safe here. More info would help so we could understand your issue and why your siblings are acting this way. Believe me, it was no picnic for me at any time. But I guess we love each other enough to give a d****. I'll be looking for your response; take care.
Hi Everyone! I'm new here too and am so thankful to find you all! My response is a resounding NO! I care for my dad who is 94. He has memory loss and cannot be left alone. My 3 siblings don't help. I am 49 and have lived back at the home I grew up in for 13 years. My sister used to help but only if I guilted her into it. I have an older brother who lives out of state with his wife and 3 kids. I have another older brother who lives in town with his wife and two kids. My sister is in town, divorced and caring for 1 of her two kids, the other one is in college.
When I first moved in my dad was very mobile and could still drive and do many things. He led an active life. Slowly but surely, I saw that I needed to help him with banking, insurance and all paperwork details. He had an accident driving and knew that he had to stop driving. Then he broke a hip, which slowed him down just a bit. A couple of years after that he broke the other hip. That was 2 years ago and he has recovered well, but needs part time care giving so I can go to work. I found an angel care giver who stays with him for the 9 hours I'm gone Monday-Saturday.
Without going into the gorry details of my experience, over the last 2 years my family has imploded. This implostion stems because of the contents of my fathers Will and Trust. I'm sure this story is not new to many of you. My father made changes over the years and bottom line, gave me more of his estate than my siblings. When this was discovered by my siblings, they turned on me quicker than you can imagine. I have been accused of coercing my father into giving me more than them, I've been accused of "planning" my takeover from the day I moved in. There is so much more to this story but I'm sure it's the same story you've all heard, but with different players.
Today, my relationship with my 2 of my siblings is still fractured, and one brother and his family have ex-communicated me from their lives. I have struggled for 2 years with this situation but have come out stronger and more clear about who I am and the choices I've made in my life. It was a crushing blow to lose my family in one week's time, but it's made me stronger and made me extremely grateful for my friends and all of the people that helped me through this very dark period.
My father enjoys his life tremdously and seems to be getting younger not older. He has a personal trainer who comes to the house and works out with him twice a week and he excersises daily with his care giver. He goes out to lunch with friends and we even took a vacation to the beach this past summer. He wants singing lessons and wants to ride on a motorcycle! He's living the best life I can give him and he's NOT in a home. At any time I could have thrown in the towel and walked away. But I made a commitment 13 years ago that I would stay until the end and that is what I will do. I will do my best to give my dad the quality of life he deserves.
What happened with my siblings stems from years of unspoken angers and resentments, which were able to be unleashed when the money entered the picture. And I might add that we're not talking millions of dollars. Not by a long shot. I
I've come a long way since this happened and I've accepted the things I cannot change. I have tried numerous times to talk to them about the situation and only one brother has stepped up to th plate and hashed through some of the old resentment. I don't ask for their help. I don't share my life with them. The VERY sad thing is that they have taken out their displeasure with me on my dad and have strong issues with him for changing the Will, for betraying my mother (by changing the will), and for being weak enough to be pushed around by me. Very, very sad state of affairs. They lose out on the last years of their fathers life and he loses out knowing his kids. He understands what is happening a bit and sometimes cries because my brother never comes over. This breaks my heart. I have never told him why they are not coming around because he cries whenever their is family agitation. He's done that for years. So I have taken this beating alone and have had no one in my family to turn to. My family is the amazing friends and friendships I have cultivated over the last 40 years. They truly are a gift from God, my friends.
Anyway, there is my story in a very small and hopefully clear nutshell. Thank you all for being here. I have a caregiver support group I go to twice a month and it surely does help.
See you back here soon!!
Love and peace,
Lily
Lily; very well said, and I should add that through your care and love, he is thriving, so to you I say "way to go woman!" You've obviously tried to do whatever is best for your father, and as a caregiver, it must feel awesome to see what you've accomplished. Unfortunately, family ties also entail long seeded jealousy and shame for what has happened.
If your father is well enough, I would share with him why the rest of the family is doing this to you. I know there are other factors in your story as to the family stuff, but it's his will, so he should know all the details. The fact remains that you put your life in a state of suspension, so that he would receive the type of care he deserves. That says volumes. Sometimes family members can't come help because of distance, but that doesn't mean the phone doesn't work, or they can't write a check every now and then. And hey, what about a visit every couple of months? Regardless of what the past has held, your parents DESERVE respect and compassion, for without their pairing, you wouldn't be here, right? But I'm preaching to the chorus.....
I would bring it up to your father.
On a sidenote: I did the bulk of the work and hardships for both of my parents, but we all got the same amount. I'm not bitter; oh wait - yes I am, because my parents are no longer here. But you get what I mean.
Thanks for sharing; great comment.
Hi RobinD!
Thank you so much for the warm welcome. It feels so good to dump this stuff to people who really understand. I'll think about talking to my dad. My concern is that he persevorates over these matters and I don't want to upset him. I'm not even that sure he'd really understand what I was talking about. But, I will keep it in consideration.
That is very sweet what you said about your folks. I wish my mom was here too.
The kicker of the whole thing is that I didn't ask for any of what left to me, with the exception of getting my $65 grand back at the sale of the house which gets split 4 ways. The remodel I did added significant square footage and has added to the value of the house so they shouldn't care that I would get my money back. But in their eyes I've lived here rent free so why should they pay?
Thank you so much all of you. Hope to be around here for a long time. Thank you all for all you do for your Care person.
You never really know a family member until money is involved; then it's like they grow another head and start snarling at you. I'm sorry you're going through this, and in the end you'll be left with memories to deal with long after your father is gone. It sucks, but you'll have the fun memories, and seeing your father through the twilight of his life. You can't ask for more than that and the rest of your family will miss out. So who's worse for the wear?
Hang in there. Enjoy each day and take the time to laugh at the small stuff; it's what gets you through. Take care and look forward to more posts to see how you're doing.
Lily,
Welcome and so glad you found this site!
I have to agree with everything Robin has said. Money seems to cause so many problems. I took care of my grandma for 21 years without any help at all from my siblings. My younger sister took everything my grandma owned as though she was entitled to it all. She still has grandmas things to this day.
But...............They are just things...What I got was so much more than just "stuff"..As Robin said, I have so many beautiful memories. We had such a wonderful relationship filled with so much love and I wouldn't trade that for any "stuff" in the world!
Not only did I end up with more in the long run but so did my kids and my granddaughter and you just can't replace that kind of love with anything.
Since my grandmas death we found so many notes, letters, and stories of her life that are so personal and speak of her love for us and her gratitude for being there for her when she needed someone the most. Those things are irreplacable.
She wrote that she felt bad that there was nothing left for us of value and that she wished she could give us the world but we all smile and look back knowing that she did give us so much and we will always hold those memories and writing close to our hearts.
Sometimes I think that its not just the money that causes siblings to be resentful but that somewhere inside they feel guilt and anger towards us because we could do what they wouldn't do and rather than own up to that they lash out at us.
I think they are afraid that if they do visit that they will be expected to help and rather than put themselves in a situation that they view will interupt their lives, they stay away and resent us for changing our lives.
I applaud you for doing what you are doing.
I am not upset with my siblings, I got the best part.
Sending hugs to you,
Cindy
Wow Cindy; well said. It has taken me a while to come to those terms. I received things that my parents wanted me to have and cherish those items with all my heart. I also have boxes of things that my oldest brother and I divided up between all us kids, and have yet to go through them in detail. I don't have children of my own to pass on these things to, and each day that passes, I find myself moving further away from them, engulfed with memories. I'm writing a book about my experience, hoping that somewhere, someone will benefit from them. Mostly I'm doing it to rid myself of the sadness I carry with me each step I've taken since they both left this world. It just doesn't matter anymore.
You are truly the lucky one. Having a grandmother gives you insight to your parents, and their strengths and weaknesses throughout their lives. What a wonderful gift she left you, and it resides in your heart. Knowing you meant the world to her is a huge gift, one that you can keep with you the rest of your days and tell yourself "yep, I was there and I shared in her life".
Maybe it's that siblings and other family members don't have that relationship with the one that you're caring for, or the one that has passed on. Maybe they don't feel comfortable being so close to someone, close enough to change diapers, or wait in the doctors office while going over their health issues, or cutting up their food when they can no longer hold a fork in their hand and need assistance much like a child would. Or maybe they're just selfish. I'm not sure which one it would be for any one of us.
But the truth lies in the quiet times we've shared with them, where their hopes and dreams were murmured into the stillness of the night; and where the tears flowed freely, unafraid to share fears to freely.
When us kids spread my parents ashes, and the day after when they had left to drive back to their homes, I walked out onto the beach and recited something my father had written years before. Ofcourse I cried, alone on a quiet beach, with only the waves to comfort me. But I was alone with my memories of two people in this world who loved me unconditionally and I loved them back. No one can take that away from me, and maybe this is why they didn't step up and help out. Because maybe they would have had to take the time to face the fact that someday my parents wouldn't be there anymore, and they did not have the strength to face it.
Yep, we're the lucky ones. I miss them more than anything in the world, and I'll say it over and over again. Time doesn't heal all wounds; it just gives you each day to figure out where to put the pain that day so you can handle it. And we do. Because of love.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Ah..so true! Thank you so much and I will definelty enjoy each moment which make enjoying the day so much longer! I love to read the affirmations each day by Louise Hay. They really help and she rides home the fact that the past is just that. The past.
Thanks everyone for the advice and support. Thankyou so much.
She's an incredible woman; one of her books, not sure which one, shows points of the physical body or diseases and relates in comparison the cause. I think if I remember she linked Alzheimer's \ Memory diseases with escapism. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else. Very interesting. Take care; love the positive attitude.
Wow ! I cant believe I found this site - I can feel relation to everyone of your letters - im at a point in life where being the caregiver for my mom- raising my son (16) by myself is very over whelming - I however did imagine the most of the last two years would eventually come to be the way it is - no I dont have a crystal ball - I have two older sisters and one brother - sister one lives less than 10 miles is a total ----- I did have a good relationship off and on - sister two lives halfway across the country has her own situation but has offered some assistance - we get along very well - brother lives about 10 miles away - has good intention has his problems - we also get along well - the thing that blows me away is - I believe I have alot of faith in god which some days is what keeps me going - I go to counseling for all issues - but my heart is breaking because now my eldest sister and her children are dictating thru the physical therapist what care she needs . they treat her like shes senile and that I neglect her - after living with her for 16 years - paying my share - and more - I think the damage couldnt get worse -it can - and its all about money (not much) and selfishness - I wish they would walk in my shoes for one day -there is so much more - I only pray each day that I can keep well enough to be by her side to the very end and try to shield her dignity best that I can - because these people never see themselves for what they are or what they do - and the serenity prayer is something to live by each day
Hi Angie,
Glad you found this site too! I can hear the utter frustration and can totally relate! You've taken care of your mom AND raised a child by yourself..so you remember this..You are a POWERFUL person. And obviously very capable so don't let them tell you what up! Haha..that's the advice I give myself when I get so frustrated at my siblings. I get stronger each day with regards to my situation so you can too. Hang in there!
Hi all,
I'm glad I have found a place to vent, where people will understand!
I live with my 88 year old grandmother. She is home ridden.
Long story short: My mom used to take my grandmother shopping, do her errands, etc. Then she met a man and started living with him part time, leaving me to take care of Granny's errands, etc. . Then we got laid off and lost the mobile home we shared.
So...mom moved in permanently with her guy. I had to move in with Granny. And basically had the majority of responsibility for her dumped on me.
Gran and I do not get along. She has no trust in me - I can tell her the sky is blue, she'll tell me I'm wrong. But if anyone else told her the sky is pink and purple plaid, she'd agree with them.
Add to it: Shortly after the layoff/mom moving in with her b/f....mom broke her hip. 3 screwed up surgeries = disabled mother.
I'm an only child, so there is no help for me. And Gran resents any outside help at all. She does it when we have to (no way I can lift 50 lb salt bags for the well);
Yep, so that really lays a lot on my shoulders. I was in a car crash two years ago, and have a lifting restriction.
We used to have a helpful neighbor who mowed the lawn and took care of the snow, but he has not helped at all this winter. We think Granny got too demanding.....
It definitely gets hard at times. And I'm resentful of the responsibility, and wishing I was not giving up the best years of my life for someone who never wanted me to be born.
Well I haven't had success in signing in the past week I keep forgeting my password - must remember to write it down - when I seem to have the attention span of a gnat - I have been following many different topics of discusssion on this site and I have to admit it helps bring my stress level down - just knowing that many of us are in the same boat and actually getting answers to help me deal with stress - the key to being strong is to believe in what your doing - I wouldn't be here otherwise and I realize I wouldn't be helping any one if I didn't want to - dolphins cry - sometimes we give up the most important times (sacrifice) of our lives for a purpose - because as I see it - theres a reason for everything- though sometimes I am so angry or sad I don't see it . I grew up taking care of family -grandma lived with us forever - now my son is helping me take care of my mom- some days I wish I was some where having my own life living good - but I know this is where Im needed -at least for now - so as others tell me be strong - vent when i need to- remember who (or what ) you love and why - there is a plan - the compassion of this site will help guide us - having people who are experiencing some of the very same situations .
Thanks. I used to be part of a message board, and people got so tired of me complaining, called me the Martyr, etc. Yet none of them had this experience, or could even think of what it is like to walk in my shoes.
Atleast here, people understand.
One friend of mine said that she thinks seniors often start acting like toddlers after a while, and I agree.
It's frustrating how selfish she can be. We bought her a portable phone. God forbid she carry it around. We have a walker here for her....she prefers to walk very slow while holding onto the walls and furniture. Grocery shopping is today, oh joy - she is very brand sensitive.
I don't know what is going to happen when I find a job (I'm cleared to work after the accident, just having a hard time finding a job).
alot of times I know my mom can be very resistant to change - when we get older that is what happens - instead of fighting we do what I call - don't sweat the small stuff - I try to modify her behavior gently even when she's being plain obnoxious - I tell myself to walk away for a few minutes or tell her the reason for the change - sometimes it even helps to explain the event ahead of time -yes I do become overwhelmed alot - but I need to remember who's doing the caring-and if I walk around angry all the time it will make me sick- her care will become nonexistant - giving her choices also makes her feel like the are part of the plan - which I find is comforting to her when she feels like she has no control -
I actually have a question. My mother lives with my sister. My sister is working full time with a job that has her travelling at least once a month. I am retired and have been so for the past 8 years. During that time I took care of all doctor and hospital, vision, and dental appointments for both my mother and father, banking, luncheons, grocery shopping, errands, etc.
My father died almost 3 years ago and since that time my mother has become very needy. Mom moved in with my sister 2 years ago. My sister knows that she will be very anxious living with her and alone when she is working. Mom living with me would cause a severe strain on my marriage. So, I am trying to take over as many responsibilities as I can for mom while she lives with my sister. I feel that my sister does get away because of her job and on many occasions her travelling takes in a little extra time for enjoyment while she goes on these trips, In the past year she has been to Alaska, Florida, Las Vegas, health spas, the lake, etc. In that same period of time, I have had a 4 day weekend in Las Vegas. And I spend the night with Mom when my sister is gone as she will not stay alone. I also take Mom for dinner once a week. My question is "How can I make this fair for my sister? and Mom? and me?"
Please try to help me. My retirement so far has consisted of caregiving and running errands and I can't talk to my sister about it because she becomes very defensive. I realize home caregiving is confining but I think that maybe we both need some extra help. Any ideas???
You could have a part time caregiver come in and assist - some healthcare companies offer respite care at a minimal price. Also, many elderly and able people like to do caregiving, so it's a win\win for both of you.
It is difficult with siblings, but it sounds like you both are trying to do what is best, but sometimes it just takes listening to the other person. And living with the person is totally different than just coming over, and the stress is very silent, until it takes you over. Not making excuses for either of you, as I think you're both doing your best.
I would have a meeting with the doctor, and brainstorm what would work best for you both. The fact that you are there is 90% of it. You should be proud - both of you. Comminication is key, so get together and work it out. Good luck.
Thanks Robin for the input . In addition to all that I noted, my sister is in the process of moving and where she lived before, she had a great deal of help as she had another person living with her. Now she will be alone with mom. I do know how confining it is to have her live with you because this will be the third week Mom has been staying here while my sister makes her move. One thing I notice is that mom is very resistant to doing anything...even sitting outdoors in the sun so it makes her more isolated. She sits in her bedroom and plays on the computer. I have decided that maybe we can find a place where she can go during the day sometimes so she can meet other people. She doesn't do anything. And staying with me has made her even more dependent. Because I am here she lets me wait on her...getting her meals, serving her meals, putting milk on her cereal, etc. and when she goes to my sisters, she will have to be more independent as my sisters job is not 9 to 5 as she is on call day and night. A year ago, I searched and found a list of nursing students who would be willing to come in and stay with mom overnight and as yet my sister has not called any of them. I hope that with the move, she is not so resistant to having someone come in.
I guess that I am just venting because I believe that neither of us wanted to be put in the position but we both love mom. Fortunately, she still has all of her faculties. Mom used to be so much fun and now it's so hard to get her to do anything fun. I want to enjoy mom more but don't quite know how as it seems we spend so much time at the doctors offices, hair dressers, etc. and she won't even go out to lunch afterward. I think if she had a little more enjoyment, it would be good for her.
It seems like mom will let you take care of her if you do it and in this respect at least, my sisters situation insures that mom be a little more independent. She doesn't even get up and walk for exercise. She will fail faster if she doesn't move a little more and she will also be more apt to fall.
When you say living with the person is very stressful, can you tell me what I could do to help alleviate that stress. I was thinking of having my mom stay overnight with me more but as I said she is resistant to change and I have made my second bedroom over to have mom stay in it. But I do live in a tiny house and not financially able to remodel it to make it bigger. I retired at age 51 and am living on a very reduced income and my husbands income has also been cut.
My sister says that when she comes to the new house, mom will need to stay by herself more and mom doesn't want to . Anytime we discuss options with mom, she says she would just like to lie down and die. My sister also says that when mom wants her to just sit down she doesn't have the time to do that. My sister is also away almost every day and at least 2 nights a week does not come home until 7 or 8. Since she has moved closer to me, I told mom to call me when she needs me to get her meals and I will come and get them for her. (Probably she should try to get them herself while I am there)
I wish I could have mom stay here to take away some of this stress but my husband is absolutely not in agreement as he knows my personality and that I won't make time for him if someone else is here as this has happened when both of my kids came back home to live . I also work part time (16 hours a month) in a nursing home and have found that I hardly have enough time for this job as I do it on weekends and that is when my sister wants to go away. And I can't work during the week because I have to take care of mom on an as needed basis. I guess I didn't see my retirement this way.
We are looking into getting a medical alert system in case she falls, and I will go over more to help her during the day, and my niece will be living across the street from her now.
And during this past couple of years, my sister has also been dealing with a failing relationship that was turning bad before mom moved in so my sister really had a full plate then. I know that the move will be another adjustment but hopefully we can work out a situation that will work for all.
There are record number of court cases going on, and mediation for the elderly is booming and it is not just over money. Families are just not communicating to each other in a constructive manner, and tension , resentment ,fighting and control takes over and becomes the main focus.
Let me give you " the other side" and now the outsider, point of view. My mother in law began calling me up and my husband for help. We live in another state. There are 3 other siblings and 1 that lives close to her out west. Of course the sister sibling living close to her is going to do just about everything and yes, this is unfair and unequal and you do have reason to vent as primary caregivers. It is tough! Deep down you know we see that.
Even if you dislike or resent or are in a fight with family members, it is your duty, as the primary caretaker to involve everyone and to communicate with everyone. As power of attorney you are " acting on behalf of the parent's wishes". Not your own feelings.
My husband & I offered to pay for the large deposit on assisted living near this sister, within mom's budget, fly out and physically move " mom" in to assisted living. Previously, when mom asked us, we had set up and monitored her investments, but it all went to 0 one day. The sisters put it all in a trust, which is great, but did they give us a heads up? Of course not.
After my own family got involved raising money for "mom" and we were all set to make the move, the family decided that another sister and brother in law were going to leave their mortgage/home in another state, quit their job and obtain a new teaching job, and rent a million dollar home near the other sister and move mom in ( mom would of course pay rent). Did they involve us in this discussion or were we notified? Of course not. And since these 2 family members decided they were no longer speaking to our family or our kids, we could not speak to "mom" for the 6 months that it lasted.
Now that they finally moved mom in to an assisted living facility ,that is way too much for her budget,the power of attorney sister decided to take my husband off of the emergency contact list when mom goes to the hospital. The family now wants us to contact the sister. This is a problem because she is dishonest with us and unreliable and fireworks go off each and every time.
The sisters called up days before this and asked " Where are you?" We have all been taking care of mom in the hospital all week. We want you to fly out and relieve the sister now. None of us has any money and this 2nd hospital stay may not be covered because they wanted to release mom.
Sibling control, lack of communication, manipulation, dishonesty, anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment, we're feeling it on the other side also.
I hear how frustrated you are!!! It is incredibly sad that families cannot communicate with each other. I have found that that the problem really lies in deep rooted resentment on each sibling's side and when money or material things enters into the equation, those resentments rear their ugly heads! My question to you is, where is your husband in this? Why is he not the one communicating with his siblings?
My experience has been that NONE of my siblings want to communicate so I stopped asking them to participate. I was flat out told by a brother who lives 10 miles from my father that he just couldn't help. He had to think about himself at this time in his life. My siblings saw my father's "wishes" in the Will and Trust and accused me of "planning my takeover of EVERYTHING" from the moment I moved in with my father 15 years ago. The accusations and extreme ill will came about after the 3 sibs saw what was in the Will and Trust. I get more. Not a lot mind you, we're not talking millions of dollars in the estate, just more. I told my Sister in Law these were "my fathers wishes" and I was told that I manipulated him into changing the trust. Because my father has a hard time saying no..to them as well...I was told that I had manipulated the situation, that I coersed him into changing the Trust to benefit me and give them less.
Ridiculous but - ok - accuse me all you want - but talk to me about why you feel that way, let me respond. NO. They would not talk to me. Three of them ganged up against me and NOT ONE OF THEM would hash it out with me. NOT ONE. 2 months later, my oldest brother agreed to talk to me. He gave me exactly one hour to hash out YEARS of resentment on his part and mine. I took the hour, felt a bit better but the relationship will never be the same. My sister now talks to me but it's very strained. We were best friends and talked 2 or 3 times a day. How sad.
So I see your point, but if the people you are dealing with cannot confront the underlying issues that ususally go back to your child hood, there is no way in hell they will can come to a place where everyone is banded together, are on the same page and agrees with each other.
I've come to realize that in my case, no one said a word about the care I give my father, which is excellent I might add (and yes I'm blowing my own horn.. :-) ) but once money became involved, it ignited a fire that for the most part is smoldering now. In showing my sibs the Trust (I am the executor, power of attorney, etc.) they had to deal with feelings and emotions I don't think they were aware of, and it hurt them. I understand that. They were not prepared to deal with these issues and all of their own S*** came up for them. And instead of working through it themselves, they blamed me. All I wanted was to COMMUNICATE with them, work through it, cry, apologize,accept appolgies and in the end forgive and move on. This didn't happen, it will never happen and the forgiveness must come from me. I'm 95% there..but this happened over 2 years ago and I'm still talking about it so that 5%..well, I guess I've still got some work to do.
My experience is that PEOPLE IN GENERAL DO NOT COMMUNICATE. And Men in particular would rather get their teeth drilled than sit down and hash something out. Sad but true.
When my siblings ex-communicated me it probably the darkest, lowest point in my life. I don't have a husband and children so THEY were my family. Thank God I have the most AMAZING friends that I've had since grade school and so many more friends I've gained along the way, all through the years. Those friendships are long and strong because we know how to communicate with each other. If they hadn't been there for me I don't know what I would have done.
And the person who loses as well is my father. They don't visit, rarely call. He's 94 now and all he wants are his kids and grand kids around. He's been a really good dad and deserves to get should be reaping the rewards of being a good dad. They are the losers in this scenario. I am the winner. As hard as it is to be the primary care giver, I get every day with him. They won't realize the time they wasted until he's gone. How sad is that!!
I wish you and your husbands family the best and I hope you can work it out. The more time goes by without clearing up the crap, the more the resentment hardens. Then it's very difficult to keep the lines of communication open.
There are a record number of court cases I would imagine!
I agree that communication is key but I would add compromise to that. Each family member tends to have his or her own thoughts on what should happen with their loved ones and of course each thinks their own thoughts are the right thoughts and that seems to be where the communication starts breaking down.
If we each took the time to not only listen to the other but try to understand the others place or position and maybe even step back and take time to think about it rather than defending our own thoughts without stepping back and considering everything then we lose so much of the actual issue and it becomes a battle of wills rather than a goal to do what is right for our loved one.
This issue becomes so much more difficult when one party lives in another state away from their loved one and the person that is caring for the loved one.
The person out of state wants to be there to help but can't for what might be reasons beyond their control and the person that is there to handle things might have feelings of resentment towards that person while the one out of state might have feelings of guilt that they can't be there.
All of these feelings are real and VERY emotional which causes issues between them.
For the caregiver to ask the family member that is out of state to give up jobs and home would be an unfair request but for the person out of town to make demands of the caretaker is also unfair when they aren't there to help so where do you go from there?
If we try to remove the emotion and bring in our logic than we might be more open to what each person needs from the other to come up with solutions that would be best for all parties concerned.
An example might be a compromise that rather than arging about the expectations you have for the other person you could talk about what could be done to help each other feel better about what needs to be done. Maybe the caregiver needs a break and the out of town loved one can make plans to plan time to be there to give the caregiver a break and maybe the caregiver could set up a time during the month to call the one out of town and update them on what has taken place over that month.
If you don't agree with what the other person is doing than you need to take a step back and decide if it is really harmful or if it is just something that you would have done differently.
Is it truely something that you need to become emotional about or could you let it go.
We always need to remember that both sides of this can be difficult and to make demands on either side is unrealistic. If you can talk through your thoughts of why you think something could change while truly listening to the other than you are more likely to come to a compromise
Always step back and analyize your thoughts, are they thoughts from guilt or anger? If so, look at what has been said from the outside in, removing that guilt or anger .
The person out of town doesn't want the one caretaking telling them what to do and making them feel even worse about being out of town but the person that is caretaking also doesn't want the one out of town demanding anything of them either.
Once the demands and expectations start, emotions will flare. This should be about helping each other get through each day.
This is so difficult but I think we should all "take a step back" when our emotions come in to play. Take 24 to 48 hours and rid yourself of the anger then deal with the problem.
It took me a long time to do what I have said here so know that it won't happen overnight but also know that there can be logical reasons for some of the things said that make you angry and I will give an example of that....
I was the caretaker and my sister was out of town. Although we did get along well and it was years in to me taking care of our loved one so all the resentment was long past.
Our loved one was in the hospital and I called my sister to let her know all the details. She drove up to be here for a day and spend some time with our loved one.
I was getting coffee when the doctor came to talk to us and my sister talked to the doctor but didn't call me to tell me he was there. By the time I got back the doctor was gone and my sister was getting ready to go back home. Here is the problem with this situation.....I was taking my loved one home to care for her and my sister didn't ask the doctor any of the pertinent questions that I needed to have answers to before bringing her home with me.
I asked that the doctor come back to answer my questions but he had already left. It took me 2 days to get the answers I needed to be able to care for her properly.
My sister thought with emotion and thought I was being a control freak but taking the emotion out you can clearly understand why I needed to speak with the doctor given that I was the one that was caring for her when she came home. My sister wasn't the caretaker so she didn't ask the questions that I needed answers to. My sister became very angry with me at first but when I started asking her the questions that I so obviously needed answered to care for our loved one properly she finally understood.
On the other side of that because she wasn't the one caring for our loved one there was no way she could have possibly known that I had those questions but from that point forward she understood. She wants our loved one to have the best care just as I do but we have two different roles.
For me to be angry with her for wanting info on our loved one would have been selfish , she had no idea that I had questions pertinent to her care and she was just as concerned as I was, but for her to be angry with me also would not have been in the best interest of our loved one because I needed those answers for obvious reasons.
In the end we compromised and she knew to always make sure that I was there when talking with the hospital staff.
I wrote this story so you could see how easy it is to allow your emotions to over take the logic of a situation.
Please try and be kind to one another! Life can be so complicated but if we live everyday like it was our last would we have done things differently??
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
Thanks Cindy & Lily for responding your life experiences and valued opinion.
To be perfectly honest, I believe without love, trust, honesty, respect , communication and commitment to the relationship, "compromise" is just a word. When you are kicked out and never honestly communicated to regarding a parent and the decisions being made, it is time to move on. Our goal is to visit and communicate with mom and assisted living separately, but they are now making that difficult. Sometimes it is best to stay out of the family games and hornets nest.
We are doing fine. And so will you. There are so many people out there that value your love and want to love you back. These people bring out the best in you and you realize later in life, these are the people I want to be surrounded by! Healthy, productive relationships require a lot of work and time but you enjoy it, you are inspired and you grow. Life IS precious and this is our choice.
And in the end, your love for your parent and their love for you is all that really matters. No one can take that away.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to all that you've written. I've read all the comments, and even though the details are different, you're all saying the same thing. Everyone on this website is trying their best, irregardless of their feelings for their parents or grandparents that need assistance. But there is a common thread that shows clearly.
It's commonly known that caregivers burn out way before the person they're caring for. It's also common that family members bicker about the issues at hand, whether they're hands on or miles away. And ofcourse the ever present "when do I get my inheritance" always becomes a factor.
Families never communicate; we all grow up and go our separate ways living separate lives. So there's got to be a common ground brought to the forefront. I know - I've lived through it.
I suggest that each person that has written on this poll page get the family together via phone or via an attorney, and have a good old family meeting. I know it's not always easy, but there is always one family member that is the organizer that everyone will listen to. It's important that you bring the family together to make the decisions that need to be made.
Wills and Trusts are now more common than every before, and help with communication. But ultimately, the person needing care either doesn't think about it, doesn't want to accept it or just ignores it thinking when they need help, it will take care of itself. So if any blame is placed here, it goes on the person that needs help. Sorry but I'm a realist. In their generation, such things were never spoken of. And show me a family that's not disfunctional or has issues in relating to each other and I'll eat my hat.
You all care and deeply regarding the care your loved one is getting or more commonly what they are not getting help with. That's not in question. You all feel alienated from your family, and that's very common, for as a caregiver, you get to the point when you say "hey, what about me"? It's not a dumb thing to do; the dumb thing is doing it late in the game. Start the communicaton with your family early; force it if you have to.
One of you mentioned your mother\grandmother just wanted to lay down and die. Ofcourse she does; she sees that she's a burden to her family. You're very concerned, and your sister is not. You understand what can happen when your mother is alone; it sounds like your sister really doesn't. Many people don't want to face their ultimate demise, so they just stick their head in the sand and now your mother is between a rock and a hard place. It's common for their generation. But the smallest communication goes a long way.
We're all adults, responsible and caring, so we've been raised right and to respect our elders. Sorry, I don't mean to preach, but I've lived what you're going through. Here's the story:
I was closest (the youngest child), so my parents who were comfortable with me, so asked if they could move in with me. I thought, way cool, as they were both my best friends for as long as I could remember. As the days went on, the caregiving increased, but like all type A personalities, (aka caregivers) I just stepped up to the task. They kept in contact with my siblings as did I and things moved along fine. A trust was drawn up; and we all understood what it entailed.
But soon things began to be too tough. Ofcourse I contacted the rest of the family, who since not being there, could not see it. Then one day all hell broke loose. They came, they saw, and they stepped in to assist, not take over, but involve the whole family in making decisions. Sure since I'm the youngest, they still see me as a child (I'm 50 as I write this.....), but I stood my ground. Things got resolved, and not totally fairly, but it was the best they could do. They did what they were capable of doing; and in the end, my parents were aware their kids pulled together, which is all that really matters.
So someone else said "communication" and I say yes - you have to be a family unit. And not present the issue as "I'm the only one doing the work" or "it's a terrible burden". We were never a burden to our parents or grandparents. The tables have turned and in my humble opinon, we owe them big time.
So present the issue as it lays; we've got to work together and communicate in a way that will benefit all of us. Because as times goes by, and very little of it is left, the person that needs the help DESERVES to be aware that the people caring for them do it out of love. We're there because we want to be. Because some day they won't be there. And you will hurt more for it.
Now I'll get off my pedestal and hopefully I've made sense.
And being the compassionate realist that I am, I get wanting someone to hear your voice. I commend each and every ONE OF YOU for what you've given to your loved ones. I am also one of those that fell under the caregiving stress, because I could not get the help in time. Hopefully what I'm saying makes sense. There's nothing good about being a caretaker, and then suddenly having to hire one for yourself. Speak up to your family and you just might be surprised if they understand your true feelings.
Robin, I read your reply and thanks. Since I last wrote, my sister and I got together and we have actually interviewed some caregivers to help us out. In fairness to my sister, I think that she finally realized that even the parttime caregiving was having an affect on me as I have been doing it almost 8 years and she only about 2. I was thankful that I found out that she had realized that I needed some time away too. So, Mom was supposed to go camping with my sister for 4 days but alas, Mom had other ideas and decided that instead she would come to stay with me for those 4 days. (That was my weekend off) I told mom "no". I was looking forward to that weekend off. So, this all brought up a conversation about getting some help so that I am not the only one available every time my sister goes out of town. She likes to go every weekend and I work every other weekend so that was really cutting into my weekend time. Anyway, communicating my frustrations seemed to help even though I felt guilty about saying anything because mom lives with my sister. I have to tell you having 4 days "away" even though I stayed home gave me such a break and I felt so much relief afterward. (Even though Mom called me every day of the 4 days) but I stood my ground and did not go to her house so that she would rely on someone else. Boy it was difficult.
Anytime my sister is going away even for an evening, the first thing mom does is call me and says "I'm coming to your house for dinner or I'm coming to your house to stay the weekend or week" and she just assumes I don't want to do anything ever (at least it feels that way but probably mom just doesn't want to be alone and prefers me to a stranger----gotta step back and think this through)
It's tough but this website helps and it really helped me to make some of my complaints known. And communicating with my sibling did help even though it took me saying "no" to get her to listen. I think the frustration just builds up after an while and you have to blow and I love reading this website when I feel the need to blow! Thanks again.
Excellent news and a great start. I hesitate posting on this website, since they post it publicly (outside of this website) and if I wanted to speak to the world I would. However you should be proud. Stress is a silent killer and you don't notice it until it is too late. I'm glad you spoke up and took it to the next level. Communication is not easy for most people.
Bottom line; if you can't take care of yourself or are overwhelmed by caregiving, it defeats the purpose and no one benefits.
On the subject of having someone come in and help. Interview them completely; do a background check if you can. It's a big industry most recently that not so honest people are getting into as it is "easy" money. Protect your home and loved ones at all costs. Get referrals, and I would HIGHLY suggest installing cameras in your home to record constantly and keep the tapes. Check at Radio Shack which is probably the cheapest place as this is invaluable.
The caregiver we had was a private home, and she had cameras which caught much more than we both anticipated.
The main reason for caregiving is to keep your loved one safe. Period.
Good luck and thanks for the post back!
I do a lot of blogging as I am a freelance writer; I've found what I've written on this website is shown on a search with my name and noted with what I've said on the general internet - it's followed by this website's name. Very strange and somewhat curious. I never checked the terms of use or privacy policy because I like this site so much. The people who post here are seriously looking for good, sound advice and not complaining or judging what others post and are very supportive of all who come here. So I try to support it as much as possible. I like intelligent people who want to make a difference.
As primary caretakers , what would you like us to help you with? Mom ( my mother in law) is in assisted living. The 4 other siblings fly in and stay with you, the primary caregiver. When we visit, we will have to pay for plane , car rental and hotel in the San Francisco area. This means that my husband or our family cannot fly out west that often, especially when we are given short notice and not informed until AFTER mom was in the hospital. My husband was flying on a business trip to the east coast, but they don't ask about our schedules either. It is just chalked up as not being cooperative and no help. Do you understand how frustrating this all is for the other side? And what do you think about taking our family off of the emergency contact list at the assisted living facility? How would some of your friends or family members react?
