1 issue I have currently is that when I needed to take Family Medical Leave (FMLA) because my grandfather was in ICU 3 hours from home, I wasn't able to. I have taken care of my grandparents for over 4 years, live with them, have POA for both. He was seriously ill and I needed to be there. But apparently the only "qualifying relative" for FMLA is a parent, child or spouse. That's it. Not a sibling, not a significant other, not a grandchild.

I ended up having to take a leave of absence, unpaid and hope that I wouldn't lose my job.

1 issue I have currently is that when I needed to take Family Medical Leave (FMLA) because my grandfather was in ICU 3 hours from home, I wasn't able to. I have taken care of my grandparents for over 4 years, live with them, have POA for both. He was seriously ill and I needed to be there. But apparently the only "qualifying relative" for FMLA is a parent, child or spouse. That's it. Not a sibling, not a significant other, not a grandchild.

I ended up having to take a leave of absence, unpaid and hope that I wouldn't lose my job.

I would start by talking to your state or local representatives to see if you can find one who is sympathetic to this situation. It's a long road, but getting some kind of new law or law change --and raising awareness in the meantime-- would help in the long run. A group I'm involved with was able to do this for another issue (domestic violence) and it really is starting to make a difference.

I would start by talking to your state or local representatives to see if you can find one who is sympathetic to this situation. It's a long road, but getting some kind of new law or law change --and raising awareness in the meantime-- would help in the long run. A group I'm involved with was able to do this for another issue (domestic violence) and it really is starting to make a difference.

Thanks, I'm going to write everyone I can think of. Researching as to the statistics - how many people are family caregivers compared to years ago. Now the Baby Boomers are hitting a certain age.

Everything I can find....everyone I can write....

Thanks, I'm going to write everyone I can think of. Researching as to the statistics - how many people are family caregivers compared to years ago. Now the Baby Boomers are hitting a certain age.

Everything I can find....everyone I can write....

I feel your frustrations. It is very hard for me, my husband, and my 3 year old son. I take care of my aunt (Dad's sister). She had a stroke in July and it's been hell on wheels ever since. Since July, we have had our run with the nursing home, where she was kicked out for behavioral problems, her health insurance denied her coverage while there, and for private pay. So we moved in with her to help take care of her and I really feel as if she has dementia or something because she says the craziest things, even hurtful. Then she was admitted back into the hospital and made all these accusations to the doctor that my husband and I were abusing her. Why would we do that with what to gain ? We have moved twice thinking that our landlords would accomodate us bringing her home since her home was broken into 3 times since she had been in the nursing home. They wouldn't let us so we were left with no choice but to fix her home up and move her back in because the nursing home had gotten so fed up that they told us they were giving us 30 days to move her out of there or they would drop her off at the homeless shelter and yes, you read it right, the homeless shelter. So because of the accusations, the hospital sent a social worker from social services to come to her home to investigate. The social worker told us that we didn't have to worry about anyhting because he could tell that her accusations were bogus and if the hospital felt that she was at all in any danger, they would have transferred her to another nursing home and not her home. So now, we are waiting on the final decision of the social worker, but in the meantime, we are still getting cursed out, as if nothing we do is ever good enough. She lays in the bed pulling her pamper apart, she throws her medical supplies off the shelf, constantly throws her covers and pillows on the floor just to call us in the room to ask us what time it is. She even admitted that she does this for the attention. I am so tired and do not know how much more I can take.

I feel your frustrations. It is very hard for me, my husband, and my 3 year old son. I take care of my aunt (Dad's sister). She had a stroke in July and it's been hell on wheels ever since. Since July, we have had our run with the nursing home, where she was kicked out for behavioral problems, her health insurance denied her coverage while there, and for private pay. So we moved in with her to help take care of her and I really feel as if she has dementia or something because she says the craziest things, even hurtful. Then she was admitted back into the hospital and made all these accusations to the doctor that my husband and I were abusing her. Why would we do that with what to gain ? We have moved twice thinking that our landlords would accomodate us bringing her home since her home was broken into 3 times since she had been in the nursing home. They wouldn't let us so we were left with no choice but to fix her home up and move her back in because the nursing home had gotten so fed up that they told us they were giving us 30 days to move her out of there or they would drop her off at the homeless shelter and yes, you read it right, the homeless shelter. So because of the accusations, the hospital sent a social worker from social services to come to her home to investigate. The social worker told us that we didn't have to worry about anyhting because he could tell that her accusations were bogus and if the hospital felt that she was at all in any danger, they would have transferred her to another nursing home and not her home. So now, we are waiting on the final decision of the social worker, but in the meantime, we are still getting cursed out, as if nothing we do is ever good enough. She lays in the bed pulling her pamper apart, she throws her medical supplies off the shelf, constantly throws her covers and pillows on the floor just to call us in the room to ask us what time it is. She even admitted that she does this for the attention. I am so tired and do not know how much more I can take.

You have my sympathies. And I thought my grandmother was a bitch!

Oh god...here's the latest. We finally had to take ALL her meds and hide them. This because she was prescribed Xanax and told her nurse she wasn't going to take it. 2 days later, the bottle disappears. She sat there SMILING while mom and I looked all over for it. This is the 5th time one of her meds has vanished, and I usually get accused (still trying to figure out street value of Dilantin and Ursidol). I found it the next morning when I went outside and started searching through the trash....it somehow went from kitchen counter to bathroom trash, wrapped in a Poise pad. Hmmm...I wonder how it got there....

Now she's telling Mom that Mom is being "mean, too, just like my bitch of a granddaughter". Yep, she told me the other week that she hates me, wishes I'd never been born, I'm a bitch, go f*** myself. And she doesn't even have dementia or alzheimer's, she's never been nice.

Now she's back to the refusing a nursing home thing.

Last week, she didn't want to disrupt mom, so she tried to pee into her trashcan. I guess the PineSol I used to get rid of the stench stained the carpet, oh well.....

You have my sympathies. And I thought my grandmother was a bitch!

Oh god...here's the latest. We finally had to take ALL her meds and hide them. This because she was prescribed Xanax and told her nurse she wasn't going to take it. 2 days later, the bottle disappears. She sat there SMILING while mom and I looked all over for it. This is the 5th time one of her meds has vanished, and I usually get accused (still trying to figure out street value of Dilantin and Ursidol). I found it the next morning when I went outside and started searching through the trash....it somehow went from kitchen counter to bathroom trash, wrapped in a Poise pad. Hmmm...I wonder how it got there....

Now she's telling Mom that Mom is being "mean, too, just like my bitch of a granddaughter". Yep, she told me the other week that she hates me, wishes I'd never been born, I'm a bitch, go f*** myself. And she doesn't even have dementia or alzheimer's, she's never been nice.

Now she's back to the refusing a nursing home thing.

Last week, she didn't want to disrupt mom, so she tried to pee into her trashcan. I guess the PineSol I used to get rid of the stench stained the carpet, oh well.....

Praying for you and your family too. It's sad that we as caregivers have to go through things like this. It's unnerving at the least. Hang in there. That's about all I can and you too. Keep your documentation. We even go through recording her, writing things down in a journal just to cover us. Feel free to reach out and email if you need to let some steam off. I know I do.

Praying for you and your family too. It's sad that we as caregivers have to go through things like this. It's unnerving at the least. Hang in there. That's about all I can and you too. Keep your documentation. We even go through recording her, writing things down in a journal just to cover us. Feel free to reach out and email if you need to let some steam off. I know I do.

i would like to help with your quest...add to all of that a viscious attack by family members who live out of state and only want to see me in jail because of what they see as abuse and undue influence...unfortunately in my state they can file a petition for compentency every day until our finances are depleted and then we look forward to criminal and civil actions for the rest of our lives...where is the protection for a wealthy lady who only wants to live out the final years of her life in peace? ...something needs to change

i would like to help with your quest...add to all of that a viscious attack by family members who live out of state and only want to see me in jail because of what they see as abuse and undue influence...unfortunately in my state they can file a petition for compentency every day until our finances are depleted and then we look forward to criminal and civil actions for the rest of our lives...where is the protection for a wealthy lady who only wants to live out the final years of her life in peace? ...something needs to change

GUILT !
Guilt is why a LOT of us are doing what we are doing.
Now don't get me wrong.... I love my mother. I know that I am here BECAUSE of her, but let's be honest, not EVERYONE has 'kind, loving, gentle, sweet parents.' My mother was difficult at BEST when she was well. Now that she's 91, demensia, history of strokes, and living with me for over the past 2 years, the youngest of her 3 children (by the way, the other 2 said to let the STATE take care of her !!!)..... well, she feels that..... .... at HER age, she can say or do anything she pleases and get away with it !! .... TOLD ME that we PROMISED to take care of her... that she's SORRY she's such a BURDEN.... 'a mother can raise a houseful of kids, but NONE of those kids can help take care of the mother when SHE needs it !'

I thought the catholic guilt trips would end when i became an adult, but they NEVER end !

And I became 'rep payee' to protect her from the OTHER family membersf rom taking what little she DOES have ($1300 SS a month barely covers expenses.... no life insurance from past 2 husbands she's buried.....) as they complain the GAS needed to come visit (35 minutes from them) and the toll road charges ! lol !!!! Yet, we BUILD ONTO our home to accomodate her...... then the market falls and we can't refinance. Yet have to keep track of EVERY PENNY of hers spent ???!!!! GIVE ME A BREAK !!!

How about OUR HEALTH, as caregivers ? I know I've declined the past 2 years taking care of her ! Hell, right now, SHE'S in better health than i am at 51, and I am still raising a 14 year old ! Stress, asthma, anxiety..... I look 10 years older than I did, and what IS a good night's sleep anymore ???!!!

We get yelled at, thrown things at, the past cast up to us, treated like children....... How many nights do WE cry ourselves to sleep ? How many of us have marriages and family life falling to pieces ?? Where do WE turn for help ?!!

And the really SAD part is... i feel guilty even WRITING this !! We're not supposed to have these feelings ! But I do ! I'm tired. I miss privacy. I miss my husband. I hate my daughter living with seeing all this before her eyes and being yelled at by my mother, too. We are nothing but kind and loving, have given her more than she's ever had, and this is how we are treated !

We haven't the money to have someone 'watch' her, let alone put her in a nursing home. Relatives don't have the time nor the inclination to. We're STUCK ! The 'good days' are fewer and farther between.... The 'bad days' are awful....

If I EVER end up like this, I told my kids to SHOOT ME !!!

GUILT !
Guilt is why a LOT of us are doing what we are doing.
Now don't get me wrong.... I love my mother. I know that I am here BECAUSE of her, but let's be honest, not EVERYONE has 'kind, loving, gentle, sweet parents.' My mother was difficult at BEST when she was well. Now that she's 91, demensia, history of strokes, and living with me for over the past 2 years, the youngest of her 3 children (by the way, the other 2 said to let the STATE take care of her !!!)..... well, she feels that..... .... at HER age, she can say or do anything she pleases and get away with it !! .... TOLD ME that we PROMISED to take care of her... that she's SORRY she's such a BURDEN.... 'a mother can raise a houseful of kids, but NONE of those kids can help take care of the mother when SHE needs it !'

I thought the catholic guilt trips would end when i became an adult, but they NEVER end !

And I became 'rep payee' to protect her from the OTHER family membersf rom taking what little she DOES have ($1300 SS a month barely covers expenses.... no life insurance from past 2 husbands she's buried.....) as they complain the GAS needed to come visit (35 minutes from them) and the toll road charges ! lol !!!! Yet, we BUILD ONTO our home to accomodate her...... then the market falls and we can't refinance. Yet have to keep track of EVERY PENNY of hers spent ???!!!! GIVE ME A BREAK !!!

How about OUR HEALTH, as caregivers ? I know I've declined the past 2 years taking care of her ! Hell, right now, SHE'S in better health than i am at 51, and I am still raising a 14 year old ! Stress, asthma, anxiety..... I look 10 years older than I did, and what IS a good night's sleep anymore ???!!!

We get yelled at, thrown things at, the past cast up to us, treated like children....... How many nights do WE cry ourselves to sleep ? How many of us have marriages and family life falling to pieces ?? Where do WE turn for help ?!!

And the really SAD part is... i feel guilty even WRITING this !! We're not supposed to have these feelings ! But I do ! I'm tired. I miss privacy. I miss my husband. I hate my daughter living with seeing all this before her eyes and being yelled at by my mother, too. We are nothing but kind and loving, have given her more than she's ever had, and this is how we are treated !

We haven't the money to have someone 'watch' her, let alone put her in a nursing home. Relatives don't have the time nor the inclination to. We're STUCK ! The 'good days' are fewer and farther between.... The 'bad days' are awful....

If I EVER end up like this, I told my kids to SHOOT ME !!!

Maybe Caring.com can give you the statistics and maybe even some contact people to start with. I do what I do for my parents not out of fear of prosecution but out of love. That being said, I agree that once we take on this role, we should not be punished for it. There are times we have to take a step back from the situation.

Maybe Caring.com can give you the statistics and maybe even some contact people to start with. I do what I do for my parents not out of fear of prosecution but out of love. That being said, I agree that once we take on this role, we should not be punished for it. There are times we have to take a step back from the situation.

If we can get a list of Elected Officials to write, how many are in with me? Our elected officials need to know how much of a burden caregiving is - both financially and emotionally. And that there has to be a way to force some elderly people into a home. I'm sorry, but when you can't even get TP into the toilet,......

If we can get a list of Elected Officials to write, how many are in with me? Our elected officials need to know how much of a burden caregiving is - both financially and emotionally. And that there has to be a way to force some elderly people into a home. I'm sorry, but when you can't even get TP into the toilet,......

I'm 58 and my mother is 82 and lives by her self in a senior complex. She can take care of her bills and her meds. but she is failing and has been very nasty to say the least when I have offered to help her. She did live with my brother and sister but she said they treated her like a prisoner. They are glad she is gone. She still drives and we are all scared to death that she will have an accident but she insists that she can drive as good as ever. We don't know what to do about this and I have called the DMV and they tell me that as long as she has a driver's License she is a legal driver. I've tried everything to get her to let me sell the car and she insists that she keeps her car and her remark is"No one will ever take my car from me, they just better not try!" What is wrong with the law. They won't let us make decisions for them but they let them out on the road to kill someone or themselves. People told me to get a power of attorney on my Mom but hell no, she won't sign anything like that. "There is nothing wrong with me so why should you want this." "Just to get my money!" She has no money! It's a no win sistuation. I live 100 miles from her and I go down everyother weekend to clean her house and do the laundry and change her bed. She can recieve this through a volunteer group there but oh no, I don't want anyone in my house that I don't know. She's on her way to being put in a home shortly but if I or my siblings can't make a decision for her, who does?

I'm 58 and my mother is 82 and lives by her self in a senior complex. She can take care of her bills and her meds. but she is failing and has been very nasty to say the least when I have offered to help her. She did live with my brother and sister but she said they treated her like a prisoner. They are glad she is gone. She still drives and we are all scared to death that she will have an accident but she insists that she can drive as good as ever. We don't know what to do about this and I have called the DMV and they tell me that as long as she has a driver's License she is a legal driver. I've tried everything to get her to let me sell the car and she insists that she keeps her car and her remark is"No one will ever take my car from me, they just better not try!" What is wrong with the law. They won't let us make decisions for them but they let them out on the road to kill someone or themselves. People told me to get a power of attorney on my Mom but hell no, she won't sign anything like that. "There is nothing wrong with me so why should you want this." "Just to get my money!" She has no money! It's a no win sistuation. I live 100 miles from her and I go down everyother weekend to clean her house and do the laundry and change her bed. She can recieve this through a volunteer group there but oh no, I don't want anyone in my house that I don't know. She's on her way to being put in a home shortly but if I or my siblings can't make a decision for her, who does?

Kahl - If you can get her doctors to agree that she is unable to do for herself because of dementia, etc., then you can petition the courts to help you. In the meantime, take her distributor off the car or undo the battery.

Kahl - If you can get her doctors to agree that she is unable to do for herself because of dementia, etc., then you can petition the courts to help you. In the meantime, take her distributor off the car or undo the battery.

I do love my mother..... I love the mother that she was when she was well, mentally and physically. Thru the years, she has become a bitter woman with anger issues. I very rarely get to see the woman she was BEFORE she let anger, jealousy and bitterness rule her. I see past all this, and try to find some 'good' each day. But this person i barely recognize is whom i see more than not.

I treat her well, WITH love and respect, so much so that everything else takes a back seat.
I can't be the ONLY CAREGIVER that feels this way !

(ok, it's a bad day for me. and don't we ALL have them ? Some days you deal better than others....... You listen to your siblings complain about their daily lives and not even visit their mother, except on holidays... and wonder how this all happened ?!!!

if i have offeneded anyone, i am sorry. It IS possible to love my mother, but not LIKE the person she's become !)

I do love my mother..... I love the mother that she was when she was well, mentally and physically. Thru the years, she has become a bitter woman with anger issues. I very rarely get to see the woman she was BEFORE she let anger, jealousy and bitterness rule her. I see past all this, and try to find some 'good' each day. But this person i barely recognize is whom i see more than not.

I treat her well, WITH love and respect, so much so that everything else takes a back seat.
I can't be the ONLY CAREGIVER that feels this way !

(ok, it's a bad day for me. and don't we ALL have them ? Some days you deal better than others....... You listen to your siblings complain about their daily lives and not even visit their mother, except on holidays... and wonder how this all happened ?!!!

if i have offeneded anyone, i am sorry. It IS possible to love my mother, but not LIKE the person she's become !)

... and yes, i AGREE that our Elected Officials need to become more aware of Caregivers and their burdens ! Let me know what to do and whom to contact and where to sign !!!

... and yes, i AGREE that our Elected Officials need to become more aware of Caregivers and their burdens ! Let me know what to do and whom to contact and where to sign !!!

Kahl,

... my mother had a stroke while driving, luckily didn't kill or harm anyone. She actually convinced herself that she HAD to drive home and not to the side of the road. This just SHOWS the lack of judgement !

... she had 'trans-global' amnesia, lost a whole day, doubled up on meds, fell, thought night was day..... and REFUSED to go with the paramedics when they showed up at her door (i called them after being unable to reach her... she took the phone off the hook.... and her neighbor, despite knocking on door, wouldn't answer for him...)

My mother's car was the last straw for her. Her dr. told her in the hospital she could no longer drive. She still hates him for that, and accuses ME of taking it away from her because I TOLD the dr. things I shouldn't have !

Talk to her Dr, Kahl...... it's necessary, not only for HER protection, but others as well !

Kahl,

... my mother had a stroke while driving, luckily didn't kill or harm anyone. She actually convinced herself that she HAD to drive home and not to the side of the road. This just SHOWS the lack of judgement !

... she had 'trans-global' amnesia, lost a whole day, doubled up on meds, fell, thought night was day..... and REFUSED to go with the paramedics when they showed up at her door (i called them after being unable to reach her... she took the phone off the hook.... and her neighbor, despite knocking on door, wouldn't answer for him...)

My mother's car was the last straw for her. Her dr. told her in the hospital she could no longer drive. She still hates him for that, and accuses ME of taking it away from her because I TOLD the dr. things I shouldn't have !

Talk to her Dr, Kahl...... it's necessary, not only for HER protection, but others as well !

God's Grace to you all. Today is a good day (relatively speaking)so I count it as a blessing since usually I'm in your shoes. Please know that I and many others pray for you. Don't lose yourselves.

God's Grace to you all. Today is a good day (relatively speaking)so I count it as a blessing since usually I'm in your shoes. Please know that I and many others pray for you. Don't lose yourselves.

If there is a Council on Aging in your area, PLEASE make an appointment to talk to them. The council may be associated with a local Human Resource Agency. They are a wonderful resource for information and may be able to provide names of local attorneys that specialize in elder law. The ladies I spoke with had various suggestions regarding my Mom. Some were quite helpful. It's a place to begin. Good luck and God Bless.

If there is a Council on Aging in your area, PLEASE make an appointment to talk to them. The council may be associated with a local Human Resource Agency. They are a wonderful resource for information and may be able to provide names of local attorneys that specialize in elder law. The ladies I spoke with had various suggestions regarding my Mom. Some were quite helpful. It's a place to begin. Good luck and God Bless.

I think the best thing....

Let's start with our state Representatives, Senators, and Congressmen/women.

Each of us.

Detail: How it affects our lives, including marriages, relationships. How it affects us emotionally, physically, financially.

Tell them our stories.

Tell them that at a certain point....there has to be a way to force people into nursing homes, Assisted Living Facilities....against their wishes.

We were not born to just take care of elders. We were supposed to be born out of love....

I think the best thing....

Let's start with our state Representatives, Senators, and Congressmen/women.

Each of us.

Detail: How it affects our lives, including marriages, relationships. How it affects us emotionally, physically, financially.

Tell them our stories.

Tell them that at a certain point....there has to be a way to force people into nursing homes, Assisted Living Facilities....against their wishes.

We were not born to just take care of elders. We were supposed to be born out of love....

I have had my Mother for several years now and more often than not I am angry, misable and upset with my Mother. Even more I am upset with a system that has more loopholes than swiss cheese but I hang in there...not because I want to sometimes... And yes I am a believer. I rely on my belief in God...Friends have disappeared and they are always saying you have to get out...go on vacation...Yea, sure they can say that but when I reflect on them...Not one has taken care of a family member! I listen to half of what they say and Thank God...I have my wits about me...for the moment. There are a lot of issues but I rely on a Being Greater than myself and my motto is "I am living on purpose." No I don't want to care for anyone. I want my privacy back and I don't want to feel like a slave...however, she is My Mom and as nasty and as hurtful as it has been...I cry, scream and at times I wish I was dead...I also, have aged but there are more peole living care free with parents being attend to by strangers that do not care and good for them but in the end, when all is said and done...I will have no guilt...because that shell of a woman is My Mother and she deserves to loved and cared for by family. I am committed and until I cannot do anymore I am her Caretaker...after all... We are living on purpose. Having these post let me know I am not alone in my feelings or what I have committed to do. We, my friends are a cut above the people that are able to turn their backs on their family...We do live on purpose...the Purpose/reason may not be the same but when we close our eyes for the last time and/or meet our maker... this adventure I believe will be at the top of the list of our resume.

We have Cared for someone sometimes more than we cared for Ourselves.

Blessings!

I have had my Mother for several years now and more often than not I am angry, misable and upset with my Mother. Even more I am upset with a system that has more loopholes than swiss cheese but I hang in there...not because I want to sometimes... And yes I am a believer. I rely on my belief in God...Friends have disappeared and they are always saying you have to get out...go on vacation...Yea, sure they can say that but when I reflect on them...Not one has taken care of a family member! I listen to half of what they say and Thank God...I have my wits about me...for the moment. There are a lot of issues but I rely on a Being Greater than myself and my motto is "I am living on purpose." No I don't want to care for anyone. I want my privacy back and I don't want to feel like a slave...however, she is My Mom and as nasty and as hurtful as it has been...I cry, scream and at times I wish I was dead...I also, have aged but there are more peole living care free with parents being attend to by strangers that do not care and good for them but in the end, when all is said and done...I will have no guilt...because that shell of a woman is My Mother and she deserves to loved and cared for by family. I am committed and until I cannot do anymore I am her Caretaker...after all... We are living on purpose. Having these post let me know I am not alone in my feelings or what I have committed to do. We, my friends are a cut above the people that are able to turn their backs on their family...We do live on purpose...the Purpose/reason may not be the same but when we close our eyes for the last time and/or meet our maker... this adventure I believe will be at the top of the list of our resume.

We have Cared for someone sometimes more than we cared for Ourselves.

Blessings!

I did soo identify with your posting. My Mom and I were always best friends, went everywhere together, talked on the phone a lot. Now I don't know this person she has become. I try to remember her the way she was but She just isn't there anymore and my memories are being tainted by nastiness, uncooperative behavior, my own exhaustion and sadness. I try not to feel bitter toward her but she's not very nice. She says nobody is gonna tell her what to do, etc.

I did soo identify with your posting. My Mom and I were always best friends, went everywhere together, talked on the phone a lot. Now I don't know this person she has become. I try to remember her the way she was but She just isn't there anymore and my memories are being tainted by nastiness, uncooperative behavior, my own exhaustion and sadness. I try not to feel bitter toward her but she's not very nice. She says nobody is gonna tell her what to do, etc.

THREE ITEMS--

ONE, if you are appointed guardian or conservator, you are legally responsible and cannot walk away until alternate arrangements are made. If you are NOT, then you should not be legally liable.

TWO, we are fortunate in our country that we have care options (housing, adult day care, Rx, support group) to help take the edge off when our loved ones abuse us with their delusions, demands, and derogatory remarks.

The one thing that we need to keep remembering (which gets harder and harder) is that as their brains are destroyed due to dementia, Alzheimer's, Picks, etc. they struggle to maintain control out of fear...as any of us would. Their struggle becomes our struggle and how long we can endure it is the challenge.

My father used to run out in the street and scream: HEEEELP! They're holding me hostage! And then he'd wake up early mornings and get disoriented with toileting leaving me to start each "bright new day" with a gallon of bleach as I cleaned up urine and fecal matter.

Eventually, my husband and I thought we were getting Alzheimer's trying to keep up with my father's care.

Still, if I didn't care for him, I'd regret it today.

FINALLY, until more of our representatives personally walk this road, they just don't seem to understand the significance. To think, just three months before I became my father's caregiver, if you said I were to be a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's, I would have asked to see what kinds of drugs were in your medicine cabinet.

My story is detailed in "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's.

THREE ITEMS--

ONE, if you are appointed guardian or conservator, you are legally responsible and cannot walk away until alternate arrangements are made. If you are NOT, then you should not be legally liable.

TWO, we are fortunate in our country that we have care options (housing, adult day care, Rx, support group) to help take the edge off when our loved ones abuse us with their delusions, demands, and derogatory remarks.

The one thing that we need to keep remembering (which gets harder and harder) is that as their brains are destroyed due to dementia, Alzheimer's, Picks, etc. they struggle to maintain control out of fear...as any of us would. Their struggle becomes our struggle and how long we can endure it is the challenge.

My father used to run out in the street and scream: HEEEELP! They're holding me hostage! And then he'd wake up early mornings and get disoriented with toileting leaving me to start each "bright new day" with a gallon of bleach as I cleaned up urine and fecal matter.

Eventually, my husband and I thought we were getting Alzheimer's trying to keep up with my father's care.

Still, if I didn't care for him, I'd regret it today.

FINALLY, until more of our representatives personally walk this road, they just don't seem to understand the significance. To think, just three months before I became my father's caregiver, if you said I were to be a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's, I would have asked to see what kinds of drugs were in your medicine cabinet.

My story is detailed in "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's.

We don't even have Guardianship/Conservatorship. But since we live with her to take care of her, we are deemed legally responsible.

Unless we go to court for $4K, get Guardianship/Conservatorship....then beg and plead the court to force her into a nursing home....then account for every penny spent....

You're right...unless we have those...we should not be in such a position that we wait for ourselves to die, or her to die, so we can live.

Until she gets down to $2000 in the bank, we can't even be paid $9.00 an hour to take care of them...even when we have to live our lives around them.

We don't even have Guardianship/Conservatorship. But since we live with her to take care of her, we are deemed legally responsible.

Unless we go to court for $4K, get Guardianship/Conservatorship....then beg and plead the court to force her into a nursing home....then account for every penny spent....

You're right...unless we have those...we should not be in such a position that we wait for ourselves to die, or her to die, so we can live.

Until she gets down to $2000 in the bank, we can't even be paid $9.00 an hour to take care of them...even when we have to live our lives around them.

Exactly!!!! I am so tired of people who think they know it all. Each individual is even very different from the other. Some get very nasty and others do not. My dad is very mild. His cognitive impairment is 65% when he was in an assisted living set up he would get very mad and want to walk out. In another assisted living he did walk out and told the police that the caregiver was drugging him.

Since we brought him home to his son's house. The worst that we have to fight with him about is that he wants to sleep all the time that he can, which is a part of the disease. He is pleasant, and very loving and every time he talks he talks about wanting to get married again, because he doesn't like being alone and getting another farm. He loved farming.

Some people so desperately need to be educated on how to be supportive of the patient and the caregiver. Most the time your caregiver just gets beat up by those that just don't understand what they are not involved in.

When my journey with my father is complete. I believe I will become more actively involved with the need for caregivers not just the needs of the patient.

My husband and I too have felt that we must be going crazy and losing it with trying to keep up with dad's care and also would have carried more regret if we didn't care for him. He has been a joy for the most part. We also resisted taking dad for about 1 year until the assisted living places couldn't keep him and his doc did not feel that he should go to a nursing home and we agree. I have to think of my sister in law who cared for her son for 33 years because he was severe cerebral palsy. The medical profession actually told her he should be institutionalized because his brain was mush. He died about 2 yrs ago at the age of 33yrs and she has not regretted doing it at all. She is my encouragement and inspiration.

Thank you Caregiver's voice I would love to read the story. Where do I find it? Is this an article on caring.com or is this a book?

Exactly!!!! I am so tired of people who think they know it all. Each individual is even very different from the other. Some get very nasty and others do not. My dad is very mild. His cognitive impairment is 65% when he was in an assisted living set up he would get very mad and want to walk out. In another assisted living he did walk out and told the police that the caregiver was drugging him.

Since we brought him home to his son's house. The worst that we have to fight with him about is that he wants to sleep all the time that he can, which is a part of the disease. He is pleasant, and very loving and every time he talks he talks about wanting to get married again, because he doesn't like being alone and getting another farm. He loved farming.

Some people so desperately need to be educated on how to be supportive of the patient and the caregiver. Most the time your caregiver just gets beat up by those that just don't understand what they are not involved in.

When my journey with my father is complete. I believe I will become more actively involved with the need for caregivers not just the needs of the patient.

My husband and I too have felt that we must be going crazy and losing it with trying to keep up with dad's care and also would have carried more regret if we didn't care for him. He has been a joy for the most part. We also resisted taking dad for about 1 year until the assisted living places couldn't keep him and his doc did not feel that he should go to a nursing home and we agree. I have to think of my sister in law who cared for her son for 33 years because he was severe cerebral palsy. The medical profession actually told her he should be institutionalized because his brain was mush. He died about 2 yrs ago at the age of 33yrs and she has not regretted doing it at all. She is my encouragement and inspiration.

Thank you Caregiver's voice I would love to read the story. Where do I find it? Is this an article on caring.com or is this a book?

I have looked after my Mother and became a full time caregiver the last 2 years. She is 98, good health, mind good, not good on her feet. I had taken early retirement from a job I really liked, quite a part- time job I had after retiring and the money I saved working 45 years, is now going on help for my Mother. I had to move in with her to save money, I lost my privacey, really have no life of my own. Caregivers are so busy worrying about the person they take care of, they forget about themselves. I know a lot of people have to work, have no money and can't take care of their parents, have young families of their own. It is not like it use to be, families took care of families. Today I find a lot of people just want to put their elders in nursing homes. My Mother is pleasant and feels bad that I have to take care of her. I would never put her in a nursing home, unless I couldn't take care of her at home and it was out of my hands. I could not live with myself. I am doing everything I possibly can to take care of her. There are times I cry, feel sorry for myself and definitely worry about money, but what can I do - she is my Mother.

I have looked after my Mother and became a full time caregiver the last 2 years. She is 98, good health, mind good, not good on her feet. I had taken early retirement from a job I really liked, quite a part- time job I had after retiring and the money I saved working 45 years, is now going on help for my Mother. I had to move in with her to save money, I lost my privacey, really have no life of my own. Caregivers are so busy worrying about the person they take care of, they forget about themselves. I know a lot of people have to work, have no money and can't take care of their parents, have young families of their own. It is not like it use to be, families took care of families. Today I find a lot of people just want to put their elders in nursing homes. My Mother is pleasant and feels bad that I have to take care of her. I would never put her in a nursing home, unless I couldn't take care of her at home and it was out of my hands. I could not live with myself. I am doing everything I possibly can to take care of her. There are times I cry, feel sorry for myself and definitely worry about money, but what can I do - she is my Mother.

You have no idea how badly I feel for each and every one of you who have posted here tonight. I, too, was in a boatload of misery with my "mom" when it became apparent that she could no longer live alone after my dad had passed away several years earlier. My husband and I lived in a fairly large, lovely and spacious home in a beautiful, affluent suburb approximately 30 miles north of her. She moved in with us and we were able to provide her with a very nice master suite that included her own bath with a very large walk-in shower and a lovely den that provided her with her "own space". The home features a split floor plan with two master suites on opposite ends of the structure. We shared all the other common areas; i.e., kitchen, dining, living & family room and outdoor patio and yard. As soon as she moved in I knew we had made a horrible mistake. Over the next four and half years I honestly began to believe that I had died and gone to hell. This individual turned my life into a living nightmare. I will not bore you with the appalling details but I will tell you one thing that each of you must understand. I was told the same thing by a friend at work and a social worker that visited our home after she was hospitalized that I am going to share with you now. They both told me that because of her demeanor, we needed to get her out of our home or our lives would be destroyed. We chose to believe that we were "different", that we were "better" and that we could overcome the situation. WRONG! Despite our best efforts and good intentions the situation deteriorated to the point where at the end of the four and a half years, my relationship with her was fractured and when she did finally move out we were estranged. Thirteen months later she died and I did not want to attend her funeral. I have no problem dealing with people who are ill or dying, I do take serious issue with people who are nasty, mean-spirited and who are ingrates regardless of the fact that it is your "mom". I believe many of you have it backward, you are here because your "parents" chose to engage in an acitivty that resulted in your existence. My advice to each and every one of you is this, if the individual that you are attempting to help is demonstrating evil behaviour, is making you ill and aging you before your time - DROP THEM LIKE A BOMB and let the chips fall where they may. Oh, yes, well-meaning "others" will give you all sorts of ridiculous advice and it's so easy for them because they're not the ones who are living the nightmare. Remember, they're not living your life, they're not paying your bills and theyre not shedding your tears. I know what I have advised may seem cold and harsh but I speak from experience and I wish I would have taken that recommendation from others who realized what I was in for. I have been where you are now and each and everyone one of you has my empathy and sympathies.

You have no idea how badly I feel for each and every one of you who have posted here tonight. I, too, was in a boatload of misery with my "mom" when it became apparent that she could no longer live alone after my dad had passed away several years earlier. My husband and I lived in a fairly large, lovely and spacious home in a beautiful, affluent suburb approximately 30 miles north of her. She moved in with us and we were able to provide her with a very nice master suite that included her own bath with a very large walk-in shower and a lovely den that provided her with her "own space". The home features a split floor plan with two master suites on opposite ends of the structure. We shared all the other common areas; i.e., kitchen, dining, living & family room and outdoor patio and yard. As soon as she moved in I knew we had made a horrible mistake. Over the next four and half years I honestly began to believe that I had died and gone to hell. This individual turned my life into a living nightmare. I will not bore you with the appalling details but I will tell you one thing that each of you must understand. I was told the same thing by a friend at work and a social worker that visited our home after she was hospitalized that I am going to share with you now. They both told me that because of her demeanor, we needed to get her out of our home or our lives would be destroyed. We chose to believe that we were "different", that we were "better" and that we could overcome the situation. WRONG! Despite our best efforts and good intentions the situation deteriorated to the point where at the end of the four and a half years, my relationship with her was fractured and when she did finally move out we were estranged. Thirteen months later she died and I did not want to attend her funeral. I have no problem dealing with people who are ill or dying, I do take serious issue with people who are nasty, mean-spirited and who are ingrates regardless of the fact that it is your "mom". I believe many of you have it backward, you are here because your "parents" chose to engage in an acitivty that resulted in your existence. My advice to each and every one of you is this, if the individual that you are attempting to help is demonstrating evil behaviour, is making you ill and aging you before your time - DROP THEM LIKE A BOMB and let the chips fall where they may. Oh, yes, well-meaning "others" will give you all sorts of ridiculous advice and it's so easy for them because they're not the ones who are living the nightmare. Remember, they're not living your life, they're not paying your bills and theyre not shedding your tears. I know what I have advised may seem cold and harsh but I speak from experience and I wish I would have taken that recommendation from others who realized what I was in for. I have been where you are now and each and everyone one of you has my empathy and sympathies.

SOUNDS LIKE MY LIFE. I WAs threatdned with court if i didn't put jmy husband iunto a nursing home for a few days. i did as asked and went there and found him without his dressings on at the rehab center. ther next day hew was unrespolnsive because ofr multiple medication errors. fafter a week and a lhalf in the hospital and then at bome for 2+ weeks with 24 hour care he died due to the elder abuse law. i'll be keeping an eye on this sdafter his funeral on saturday. something has to change with thisw law. You can be accused and they don't have to tell you who did it. it can keep up for months as it did with my mother 4 years ago. bsc

SOUNDS LIKE MY LIFE. I WAs threatdned with court if i didn't put jmy husband iunto a nursing home for a few days. i did as asked and went there and found him without his dressings on at the rehab center. ther next day hew was unrespolnsive because ofr multiple medication errors. fafter a week and a lhalf in the hospital and then at bome for 2+ weeks with 24 hour care he died due to the elder abuse law. i'll be keeping an eye on this sdafter his funeral on saturday. something has to change with thisw law. You can be accused and they don't have to tell you who did it. it can keep up for months as it did with my mother 4 years ago. bsc

I,too, have been my Mom's caregiver for the last two years. After being laid off from a job on the road for 12 years that I adored, I came home to my house that Mom lived in, only to find it wasn't my home, only my house. My things are in storage. My world became very small. Each day I pray for patience and understanding. But as her situation changed, so have I. Her face was breaking out and she picked at it until it became infected. I learned to take her with me as I washed my face morning and night. She needed to see it done so she could copy. Just telling her to do so wasn't enough. Same thing with eating.She ate better when being able to watch someone else. I love that we can all come here and express our fears, frustrations and varied experiences.

I,too, have been my Mom's caregiver for the last two years. After being laid off from a job on the road for 12 years that I adored, I came home to my house that Mom lived in, only to find it wasn't my home, only my house. My things are in storage. My world became very small. Each day I pray for patience and understanding. But as her situation changed, so have I. Her face was breaking out and she picked at it until it became infected. I learned to take her with me as I washed my face morning and night. She needed to see it done so she could copy. Just telling her to do so wasn't enough. Same thing with eating.She ate better when being able to watch someone else. I love that we can all come here and express our fears, frustrations and varied experiences.

I can relate to almost everyone's story and I am not even living with my mother. I have multiple schlerosis and many other health problems but I am the daughter chosen to be the one responsible for taking care of my Mom. I have a cousin who is staying with Mom but she will not allow this cousin to do much to help her, she wants me there every day. She will not take any medications unless I am right there to watch her put it in her mouth. She won't bathe only once in a while when I can talk her into it. I have a Sister that lives a couple hours away and comes down for a few days a couple times a year, another that lives about 20 miles away. She comes over to visit for an hour or two once a week. She has actually helped take Mom to a doctor a couple times lately. I am worried because Mom has taken quite a few very servere falls. This is the second time she has broken her arm. She has another condition that causes her dizziness but won't take medication. I don't know anything much about the elder laws. I have power of attorney, etc. but I'm afraid if she falls again, can they put her in a nursing facility against my wishes? I'm afaid that I am not recording enough of what goes on with her because I am just so tired, but I do not want the State to take over control either.

I can relate to almost everyone's story and I am not even living with my mother. I have multiple schlerosis and many other health problems but I am the daughter chosen to be the one responsible for taking care of my Mom. I have a cousin who is staying with Mom but she will not allow this cousin to do much to help her, she wants me there every day. She will not take any medications unless I am right there to watch her put it in her mouth. She won't bathe only once in a while when I can talk her into it. I have a Sister that lives a couple hours away and comes down for a few days a couple times a year, another that lives about 20 miles away. She comes over to visit for an hour or two once a week. She has actually helped take Mom to a doctor a couple times lately. I am worried because Mom has taken quite a few very servere falls. This is the second time she has broken her arm. She has another condition that causes her dizziness but won't take medication. I don't know anything much about the elder laws. I have power of attorney, etc. but I'm afraid if she falls again, can they put her in a nursing facility against my wishes? I'm afaid that I am not recording enough of what goes on with her because I am just so tired, but I do not want the State to take over control either.

Oh Kahl, You cannot even believe how much your words are the EXACT way we have been living for the past 2 years. Every single thing, the car, not wanting the help, being a prisoner, taking her things and the demanding things she says. Even the ages are close. I'm 54, she's 80

I must ask you this...was your Mother's personality this way before she became ill? Mine was a very pleasant lady and always wanted my input on her finances, dr appts, etc. Now she doesn't want me to know a single thing about any of her personal business. I do have the check book now and write the checks and balance it, only to hear how terrible it is that I won't let her spend her money. She still has access to the ATM machine.

As far as the car is concerned, I really do feel your pain with that situation. Her Dr finally set up an appt with a psychologist to have her take a cognitive driving test which she failed miserably. Of course that was me and my husbands fault, we got to the Dr first and told him to fail her. We watched her take the test, not actual driving but testing reflexes and decision making. It was quite sad...So he told her no more driving and even went as far to tell her that he would not allow his family to be on the road if he knew she was out there. She was so belligerent about it for months and months. Dr said he had never seen anyone so set on driving.

We were a bit lucky in that 6 months earlier she was in the hospital and physically not able to drive and we knew prior to the hospital stay that she shouldn't be. So my husband disconnected the battery. When the urge to drive began again we tried to explain that with all of her meds, it wouldn't be safe. Then she realized it wouldn't start so she was going to call and get a wrecker to come to the house to fix it. We called the car dealer and asked them not make a new key if she called and asked and also put a note under the hood that if someone was there to 'fix' the car, please don't since she is an Alzheimers patient. Finally after 1 1/2 years of all of that, a friend of hers needed a different car and she decided to sell it to her. God is Good!

My Mother lives just behind us which has it's good points and bad. But I'll save that for another day! Suffice it to say 4 days a week we have a lady to help her, take her shopping, whatever she needs and I just get bitched at constantly about 'how nosey she is, wants my things, I don't need anyone here,' I'm sure you know the rest of the conversation.

Just remembered this...the power of Attorney. We have that, she signed it in the hospital when she was so ill. But, she denies signing it and 'will not sign anything else that you want me too'. Afterall, I am only wanting her money you know.

Sure wish I had some good answers, but reading your note and venting some of my issues has made me feel better! Take care and know you are not alone.

Oh Kahl, You cannot even believe how much your words are the EXACT way we have been living for the past 2 years. Every single thing, the car, not wanting the help, being a prisoner, taking her things and the demanding things she says. Even the ages are close. I'm 54, she's 80

I must ask you this...was your Mother's personality this way before she became ill? Mine was a very pleasant lady and always wanted my input on her finances, dr appts, etc. Now she doesn't want me to know a single thing about any of her personal business. I do have the check book now and write the checks and balance it, only to hear how terrible it is that I won't let her spend her money. She still has access to the ATM machine.

As far as the car is concerned, I really do feel your pain with that situation. Her Dr finally set up an appt with a psychologist to have her take a cognitive driving test which she failed miserably. Of course that was me and my husbands fault, we got to the Dr first and told him to fail her. We watched her take the test, not actual driving but testing reflexes and decision making. It was quite sad...So he told her no more driving and even went as far to tell her that he would not allow his family to be on the road if he knew she was out there. She was so belligerent about it for months and months. Dr said he had never seen anyone so set on driving.

We were a bit lucky in that 6 months earlier she was in the hospital and physically not able to drive and we knew prior to the hospital stay that she shouldn't be. So my husband disconnected the battery. When the urge to drive began again we tried to explain that with all of her meds, it wouldn't be safe. Then she realized it wouldn't start so she was going to call and get a wrecker to come to the house to fix it. We called the car dealer and asked them not make a new key if she called and asked and also put a note under the hood that if someone was there to 'fix' the car, please don't since she is an Alzheimers patient. Finally after 1 1/2 years of all of that, a friend of hers needed a different car and she decided to sell it to her. God is Good!

My Mother lives just behind us which has it's good points and bad. But I'll save that for another day! Suffice it to say 4 days a week we have a lady to help her, take her shopping, whatever she needs and I just get bitched at constantly about 'how nosey she is, wants my things, I don't need anyone here,' I'm sure you know the rest of the conversation.

Just remembered this...the power of Attorney. We have that, she signed it in the hospital when she was so ill. But, she denies signing it and 'will not sign anything else that you want me too'. Afterall, I am only wanting her money you know.

Sure wish I had some good answers, but reading your note and venting some of my issues has made me feel better! Take care and know you are not alone.

"You're only after my money" Yep, heard that one too. Sure, if MIL had more than 50 cents in the bank at any one time. She's convinced somewhere in the 10 tons of boxes and junk in her room there is money, and we're after it. Sure we are. I have refrained from reminding her how much money she has COST US in the past 5 years. If she has all this money, why would she need ours?

"You're only after my money" Yep, heard that one too. Sure, if MIL had more than 50 cents in the bank at any one time. She's convinced somewhere in the 10 tons of boxes and junk in her room there is money, and we're after it. Sure we are. I have refrained from reminding her how much money she has COST US in the past 5 years. If she has all this money, why would she need ours?

The VA offers a program called Aid and Attendance which will reimburse up to $1644/month for a Veteran that served during wartime or the surviving spouse up to $1049/month. Most people don't know about it. As a family member you can write a contract with them and be paid for your services. Of course ther is an application that needs to be submitted and since it's the government, can take up to 6-9 months to be processed. But it's retroactive to the time of application.

The VA offers a program called Aid and Attendance which will reimburse up to $1644/month for a Veteran that served during wartime or the surviving spouse up to $1049/month. Most people don't know about it. As a family member you can write a contract with them and be paid for your services. Of course ther is an application that needs to be submitted and since it's the government, can take up to 6-9 months to be processed. But it's retroactive to the time of application.

My best friend's mom had AD and they warned her that she would likely have a personality change coming. At the time, her mom was in an assisted living facility and was the life of the party. My friend looked at them and said "Oh, but you don't understand. She already HAS." When we were growing up, her mom never went anywhere and was a fairly negative person so being that life of the party was a huge personality change. My mom has gone from being a quite, soft-spoken Southern lady to one that could put a sailor to shame and then some to something closer to what she was. She smiles a lot and is so glad to see us (we go at least once a week) when we visit. My mom was very afraid we would take her farm away so she refused anything like POA. We had to finally get Conservatorship done. Huge pain but that's another story.

My best friend's mom had AD and they warned her that she would likely have a personality change coming. At the time, her mom was in an assisted living facility and was the life of the party. My friend looked at them and said "Oh, but you don't understand. She already HAS." When we were growing up, her mom never went anywhere and was a fairly negative person so being that life of the party was a huge personality change. My mom has gone from being a quite, soft-spoken Southern lady to one that could put a sailor to shame and then some to something closer to what she was. She smiles a lot and is so glad to see us (we go at least once a week) when we visit. My mom was very afraid we would take her farm away so she refused anything like POA. We had to finally get Conservatorship done. Huge pain but that's another story.

Words can't describe how grateful I am for all of you that have shared your stories here. I have been in one long continuous anxiety attack for the past 2 weeks. Here's my story. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible. I tend to get long winded... I am my grandmother's caregiver/POA/Healthcare poxy. My grandmother WAS my best friend in the entire world. We HAD the most beautiful relationship imaginable. She was my safe haven and I was her helper. We have always been there for each other. The reason for using past tense...WAS and HAD...is because she is not my grandmother anymore. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This time last year, I couldn't handle the thought of losing her. Now I'm already mourning the loss of the most precious woman I've ever known and left to deal with the shell of her and the MONSTER that has possessed her body!!! She was recently diagnosed with Dementia. In all my life, I never heard my grandmother as much as raise her voice to anyone... until a few years ago. She began having what I thought were mood swings, losing her patience which I had never seen her do. No big deal. That progressed to angry outbursts and off the wall accusations which became more severe, intense and irrational until we are now at the point of DRAMATIC personality changes, irrational thoughts and behavior, inability to reason, suspicion and paranoid behavior, confusion, loss of empathy, food obsession (especially sweets), irratic and aggressive behavior (especially if she is not given sweets), unsocial behavior, refusing to go anywhere, refusing to take medication, refusing to go to doctors appointments, making threats towards me and my partner, threatening suicide, hoarding food in her room...some parishable, refusing to shower, never flushing her toilet, accusing me of stealing, lying, abuse, neglect, manipulating her doctor, never taking her anywhere, intentionally making food that she can't eat, never giving her independance, never doing anything for her (ex: If I do her laundry/make her meals she gets ANGRY because she wanted to do it herself, if I don't do her laundry/make her meals she gets ANGRY because it's not done for her). I'm the most cruel, heartless person on earth according to her. I gave up my own home and a business I started to help her. I'm now with her 24/7. The list goes on and on and ON!!! It seems like this behavior is getting worse each day. I do NOT get one ounce of help from my mother or uncle. THIS IS THEIR MOTHER! Yes, I agreed to care for her and have never, up until the last 3 months, regretted that decision but they do NOTHING but fuel her irrational thoughts because they are in denial that their mother is SICK and they don't want to feel obligated to take time out of THEIR lives to let me live a little bit of mine!!! I could elaborate on her behavior and give examples of her outbursts (which is now just one never ending, constant bitch fest) but by what I've read...you get it! There are people, with genuinely good intentions, telling me not to take it personal. People who have never been in this situation before. "It's the disease talking, not her", they say. I get that, but... YOU CAN NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND IT UNTIL YOU'VE LIVED IT!! I'm 37 years old. My partner and I have 2 children, 16 and 12. I'm afraid of dying before they're grown because of what the stress of caring for a demented person is doing to my health and well being. I swore I would NEVER put my grandma in a nursing home. Now I find out I can't. She doesn't require skilled nursing because she has NO other health problems except high blood pressure. She refuses to go into assisted living, who also said they won't take her either way because she refuses to take meds and is aggressive. We as caregivers make enough sacrifices. IT'S TIME WE GET HELP!!!! We break our backs, pour our hearts and souls out, shed blood, sweat and WAY too many tears only to be put under the proverbial spotlight after WE have been wrongly accused. Of course, I absolutely support protecting the elderly. But caregivers need protection and support too!!!

Words can't describe how grateful I am for all of you that have shared your stories here. I have been in one long continuous anxiety attack for the past 2 weeks. Here's my story. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible. I tend to get long winded... I am my grandmother's caregiver/POA/Healthcare poxy. My grandmother WAS my best friend in the entire world. We HAD the most beautiful relationship imaginable. She was my safe haven and I was her helper. We have always been there for each other. The reason for using past tense...WAS and HAD...is because she is not my grandmother anymore. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This time last year, I couldn't handle the thought of losing her. Now I'm already mourning the loss of the most precious woman I've ever known and left to deal with the shell of her and the MONSTER that has possessed her body!!! She was recently diagnosed with Dementia. In all my life, I never heard my grandmother as much as raise her voice to anyone... until a few years ago. She began having what I thought were mood swings, losing her patience which I had never seen her do. No big deal. That progressed to angry outbursts and off the wall accusations which became more severe, intense and irrational until we are now at the point of DRAMATIC personality changes, irrational thoughts and behavior, inability to reason, suspicion and paranoid behavior, confusion, loss of empathy, food obsession (especially sweets), irratic and aggressive behavior (especially if she is not given sweets), unsocial behavior, refusing to go anywhere, refusing to take medication, refusing to go to doctors appointments, making threats towards me and my partner, threatening suicide, hoarding food in her room...some parishable, refusing to shower, never flushing her toilet, accusing me of stealing, lying, abuse, neglect, manipulating her doctor, never taking her anywhere, intentionally making food that she can't eat, never giving her independance, never doing anything for her (ex: If I do her laundry/make her meals she gets ANGRY because she wanted to do it herself, if I don't do her laundry/make her meals she gets ANGRY because it's not done for her). I'm the most cruel, heartless person on earth according to her. I gave up my own home and a business I started to help her. I'm now with her 24/7. The list goes on and on and ON!!! It seems like this behavior is getting worse each day. I do NOT get one ounce of help from my mother or uncle. THIS IS THEIR MOTHER! Yes, I agreed to care for her and have never, up until the last 3 months, regretted that decision but they do NOTHING but fuel her irrational thoughts because they are in denial that their mother is SICK and they don't want to feel obligated to take time out of THEIR lives to let me live a little bit of mine!!! I could elaborate on her behavior and give examples of her outbursts (which is now just one never ending, constant bitch fest) but by what I've read...you get it! There are people, with genuinely good intentions, telling me not to take it personal. People who have never been in this situation before. "It's the disease talking, not her", they say. I get that, but... YOU CAN NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND IT UNTIL YOU'VE LIVED IT!! I'm 37 years old. My partner and I have 2 children, 16 and 12. I'm afraid of dying before they're grown because of what the stress of caring for a demented person is doing to my health and well being. I swore I would NEVER put my grandma in a nursing home. Now I find out I can't. She doesn't require skilled nursing because she has NO other health problems except high blood pressure. She refuses to go into assisted living, who also said they won't take her either way because she refuses to take meds and is aggressive. We as caregivers make enough sacrifices. IT'S TIME WE GET HELP!!!! We break our backs, pour our hearts and souls out, shed blood, sweat and WAY too many tears only to be put under the proverbial spotlight after WE have been wrongly accused. Of course, I absolutely support protecting the elderly. But caregivers need protection and support too!!!

If your elder has threatened to harm themselves or you they can be hospitalized for 72 hours. During this time they will be examened and a physicain will detremine if they can make decisions. When all else fails the 5150 law works. 5150= California statute for danger to themselves or others.

If your elder has threatened to harm themselves or you they can be hospitalized for 72 hours. During this time they will be examened and a physicain will detremine if they can make decisions. When all else fails the 5150 law works. 5150= California statute for danger to themselves or others.

Getting that kind of help here in Florida is a JOKE! I had to call the sheriffs department last time she threatened to kill herself. They came out, looked things over and left...without my grandma. She sat there in her chair sneering at me and making the same threats... "You're gonna pay for this. You're gonna pay BIG time!" Well guess what. I pay big time each and everyday. I pay each day that my health and emotional well being is chipped away because I was determined to care for my family. I had a big heart. Some thiings should be handled by professionals. In nursing homes and assisted living facilities there are many people doing the things that we as caregivers do by ourselves. Think about it... There's are people to prepare the meals, administer medication, do the cleaning, physical therapy, activities, etc etc. Caregivers do it all by ourselved, most of us 24/7. We don't get a shift change! And most of us aren't trained to deal with this sort of thing!

Getting that kind of help here in Florida is a JOKE! I had to call the sheriffs department last time she threatened to kill herself. They came out, looked things over and left...without my grandma. She sat there in her chair sneering at me and making the same threats... "You're gonna pay for this. You're gonna pay BIG time!" Well guess what. I pay big time each and everyday. I pay each day that my health and emotional well being is chipped away because I was determined to care for my family. I had a big heart. Some thiings should be handled by professionals. In nursing homes and assisted living facilities there are many people doing the things that we as caregivers do by ourselves. Think about it... There's are people to prepare the meals, administer medication, do the cleaning, physical therapy, activities, etc etc. Caregivers do it all by ourselved, most of us 24/7. We don't get a shift change! And most of us aren't trained to deal with this sort of thing!

To ? (wife who cares for Dad with mild impairment)

"Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's is a book detailing caregiving before, during, and after and the second edition is available at http://www.thecaregiversvoice.com/products-services/tcv-books/

“A masterpiece of information and insider knowledge, Brenda weaves answers and solutions into every page. She takes the reader on a journey covering every possible question a caregiver could ask and does not leave a single stone unturned. This is the most thorough, honest, helpful, and empowering book written for caregivers to date.” —Jane Verity, OTR, FT, CSP Dementia Specialist, Founder & President, Dementia Care Australia

To ? (wife who cares for Dad with mild impairment)

"Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's is a book detailing caregiving before, during, and after and the second edition is available at http://www.thecaregiversvoice.com/products-services/tcv-books/

“A masterpiece of information and insider knowledge, Brenda weaves answers and solutions into every page. She takes the reader on a journey covering every possible question a caregiver could ask and does not leave a single stone unturned. This is the most thorough, honest, helpful, and empowering book written for caregivers to date.” —Jane Verity, OTR, FT, CSP Dementia Specialist, Founder & President, Dementia Care Australia

Hi all,

I will get back to this asap. It'll be a few weeks though.

My mom is in the hospital since Thursday night. Emergency surgery. She ain't coming back to the House of Hell when she is released, she doesn't need the stress.....

Which leaves me, the hated grandchild, in charge of Grandmother. 4 days and I'm ready for the straightjacket.

I've emailed her doc and social worker that I can't take care of her. Mom has said, we are getting me out of there too. Not as planned, but we are getting me out.

It's been argument after argument. She gets X many pills. Her bottles say lesser..the meanie I am, I am sticking with what is on the bottle until her nurse or doc let me know otherwise.

She got stuck on the toilet the other night. I had to physically lift her off and into her wheelchair. And then pushing the chair...I've had to become re-acquainted with my old friends Ben Gay and Tylenol.

Keep the stories coming....I will not forget this project. Since I am totally trapped in Hell now, trying to get her to go into a nursing home, or make her a ward of the state....

Hi all,

I will get back to this asap. It'll be a few weeks though.

My mom is in the hospital since Thursday night. Emergency surgery. She ain't coming back to the House of Hell when she is released, she doesn't need the stress.....

Which leaves me, the hated grandchild, in charge of Grandmother. 4 days and I'm ready for the straightjacket.

I've emailed her doc and social worker that I can't take care of her. Mom has said, we are getting me out of there too. Not as planned, but we are getting me out.

It's been argument after argument. She gets X many pills. Her bottles say lesser..the meanie I am, I am sticking with what is on the bottle until her nurse or doc let me know otherwise.

She got stuck on the toilet the other night. I had to physically lift her off and into her wheelchair. And then pushing the chair...I've had to become re-acquainted with my old friends Ben Gay and Tylenol.

Keep the stories coming....I will not forget this project. Since I am totally trapped in Hell now, trying to get her to go into a nursing home, or make her a ward of the state....

I jtried to get this help from the VA. I was never even able to get through to the doctors at north chicago what i was talking about. my husband has died, however it sure would have helped pay for a few days of 24 hr a day caregiving. I was told that the program didn't exist. bsc

I jtried to get this help from the VA. I was never even able to get through to the doctors at north chicago what i was talking about. my husband has died, however it sure would have helped pay for a few days of 24 hr a day caregiving. I was told that the program didn't exist. bsc