Care giver at the end of her rope
I am a young care giver of a mother with Alzeihmers.Five years ago my mother was living on her own and my brother was staying with her while waiting for his house to be finished. I started to notice she was forgetting a lot and very argumentive,but I actually thought my brother was at the root of this. when my brother could no longer deal with my mother anymore bc she was so combative he moved. I then noticed more decline bc I was spending more time with her. I made a decision to move my family which consist of my husband, my self and five kids. Two have special needs. I have a 26 year old son who is learning disable but NOW lives on his own, but still needs parental support, I have 23 year old daughter who lives at home and is in grad school, I have a 16 year old son who is learning disabled and in the 11th grade, a 13 year old daughter and a six year old.
My mother gave me my grandmothers house and we moved in and she came to stay with us.
It has been a living nightmare. The levy's break in my house everday.
She is combative, she fights, kicks and scratches. Sometimes when you go to feed her she will throw the food on the floor.We don't leave in a huge house but it is three floors and five bedrms..she now gets lost in the house and starts to scream, she fights when we try to bathe her, we had to take the knobs off the stove bc she has set things on fire. She has never walked out the house before but last week walked out and across the street before anyone realized she was gone,what alerted us was when she went out she let our dogs out and the barking alerted us...these are just some of the things..the list is much longer.
She used to just direct her combativeness at me, now she hits or screams at any and every one, even guest that come in the house.
She has accused us of stealing everything or trying to poison her.
She keeps me up all night and then I have to work a full time job.
I am severly torn about putting her in a nursing home or getting a full time care giver. Growing up she always stressed that she never wanted to go to a nursing home.She retired to take care of her mother and then proceeded to care for her stepfather and then my father as his health declined and he passed away 16years ago.
I know this is effecting my children, my yongest just sits and crys when she is mean or attacks me.
I feel like I have to make a choice, my life and family over caring for my mom. If I put her in a nursing home what message does that send to my kids about MY future care?
Sometimes I loose it and fuss back at my mother-what message does that send to my kids about respect? my husband and myself are big on kids and respect.
I would worry constantly if she was in a nursing home as I work in health care and have personally seen the neglect and abuse..I would constantly be there and still not available to my kids.
If I have a care giver come in to the house I would still not be able to sleep bc she is all over the house and hollering and screaming all night.
I am 40, and my mom is 94, so none of my friends are dealing with this issue, they listen but it's hard bc they can sympathize and that's it. You have to live it to know where I am coming from!!
I am just throwing this out there, may be someone that has been in my perdicament will have some much appreciated advise.
Thx
Care giver at the end of her rope
I am a young care giver of a mother with Alzeihmers.Five years ago my mother was living on her own and my brother was staying with her while waiting for his house to be finished. I started to notice she was forgetting a lot and very argumentive,but I actually thought my brother was at the root of this. when my brother could no longer deal with my mother anymore bc she was so combative he moved. I then noticed more decline bc I was spending more time with her. I made a decision to move my family which consist of my husband, my self and five kids. Two have special needs. I have a 26 year old son who is learning disable but NOW lives on his own, but still needs parental support, I have 23 year old daughter who lives at home and is in grad school, I have a 16 year old son who is learning disabled and in the 11th grade, a 13 year old daughter and a six year old.
My mother gave me my grandmothers house and we moved in and she came to stay with us.
It has been a living nightmare. The levy's break in my house everday.
She is combative, she fights, kicks and scratches. Sometimes when you go to feed her she will throw the food on the floor.We don't leave in a huge house but it is three floors and five bedrms..she now gets lost in the house and starts to scream, she fights when we try to bathe her, we had to take the knobs off the stove bc she has set things on fire. She has never walked out the house before but last week walked out and across the street before anyone realized she was gone,what alerted us was when she went out she let our dogs out and the barking alerted us...these are just some of the things..the list is much longer.
She used to just direct her combativeness at me, now she hits or screams at any and every one, even guest that come in the house.
She has accused us of stealing everything or trying to poison her.
She keeps me up all night and then I have to work a full time job.
I am severly torn about putting her in a nursing home or getting a full time care giver. Growing up she always stressed that she never wanted to go to a nursing home.She retired to take care of her mother and then proceeded to care for her stepfather and then my father as his health declined and he passed away 16years ago.
I know this is effecting my children, my yongest just sits and crys when she is mean or attacks me.
I feel like I have to make a choice, my life and family over caring for my mom. If I put her in a nursing home what message does that send to my kids about MY future care?
Sometimes I loose it and fuss back at my mother-what message does that send to my kids about respect? my husband and myself are big on kids and respect.
I would worry constantly if she was in a nursing home as I work in health care and have personally seen the neglect and abuse..I would constantly be there and still not available to my kids.
If I have a care giver come in to the house I would still not be able to sleep bc she is all over the house and hollering and screaming all night.
I am 40, and my mom is 94, so none of my friends are dealing with this issue, they listen but it's hard bc they can sympathize and that's it. You have to live it to know where I am coming from!!
I am just throwing this out there, may be someone that has been in my perdicament will have some much appreciated advise.
Thx
I have also been in the same position as you are now . My mother who was my best friend and always there for me no mater what, was diagnosed with alzheimers in 2003 . I swore that I would never put her in a nursing home . After all I am an RN and who would be more qualified to care for her . My mother became increasingly difficult to manaage at home and my sister who is also an RN insisted that we place her in an alzheimer facility . I felt as if I was breaking my promise to her . It took many months for me to accept that decision ,But in the long run, I saw that she was well cared for . She adjusted well to her new home and the CNA's were so fond of her it would make me cry . She would not remember me but would introduce them to me as her daughters . I was not with her when she passed but know that the people she loved were . Alzheimer is known as the long goodbye . After a while she will not remember that she used be with you, and your family will remain intact and less stressed for your ability to separate your emotional involvement with your educated decision .
I have also been in the same position as you are now . My mother who was my best friend and always there for me no mater what, was diagnosed with alzheimers in 2003 . I swore that I would never put her in a nursing home . After all I am an RN and who would be more qualified to care for her . My mother became increasingly difficult to manaage at home and my sister who is also an RN insisted that we place her in an alzheimer facility . I felt as if I was breaking my promise to her . It took many months for me to accept that decision ,But in the long run, I saw that she was well cared for . She adjusted well to her new home and the CNA's were so fond of her it would make me cry . She would not remember me but would introduce them to me as her daughters . I was not with her when she passed but know that the people she loved were . Alzheimer is known as the long goodbye . After a while she will not remember that she used be with you, and your family will remain intact and less stressed for your ability to separate your emotional involvement with your educated decision .
Thx so much for your response. I know what I have to do... I just don't have the courage . The long good bye is such a fitting phrase for this dz. We are such a instant gratification and throw away society. I am as guilty as eveyone else, that being said as Americans we are of the few cultures that will put our elders in nursing homes. You find a lot of other cultures have several generations living together bc they believe in taking care of the elders. In some cultures your family would be shunned for putting a parent in a nursing facility. I know I have to comet o terms soon.. It is the hardest decision I have had to contend with making.
Thx so much for your response. I know what I have to do... I just don't have the courage . The long good bye is such a fitting phrase for this dz. We are such a instant gratification and throw away society. I am as guilty as eveyone else, that being said as Americans we are of the few cultures that will put our elders in nursing homes. You find a lot of other cultures have several generations living together bc they believe in taking care of the elders. In some cultures your family would be shunned for putting a parent in a nursing facility. I know I have to comet o terms soon.. It is the hardest decision I have had to contend with making.
I would ask her doctor for a sleeping pill and something to take during the day to calm her down, Just a idea ----------My husband has alz for the last 11 yrs and I am getting burned out myself.
I would ask her doctor for a sleeping pill and something to take during the day to calm her down, Just a idea ----------My husband has alz for the last 11 yrs and I am getting burned out myself.
Thx banas,we actually tried several sleeping pill and did not find one that would actually keep her asleep, she would get up and try to walk around and one time she fell, so I was afraid to give them to her anymore.We also where giving her Ativan for the agitation during the day, she now can take those like tic tacs and still act out. Unfotunately for her safety I think I am going to have to make some hard choices.
Thx banas,we actually tried several sleeping pill and did not find one that would actually keep her asleep, she would get up and try to walk around and one time she fell, so I was afraid to give them to her anymore.We also where giving her Ativan for the agitation during the day, she now can take those like tic tacs and still act out. Unfotunately for her safety I think I am going to have to make some hard choices.
Goodness NickiJ you are an angel. I do not know how you have been able to function with so much on you. I know that dealing with someone with alzheimer's is a full time job without all the other things you are dealing with. One thing I noticed you do not say anything about your mother's medications. Is she on medicine for the illness and to sleep, etc?
I am like you and not fond of nursing homes...but perhaps you can get some out side help. I know the care giving thing was hard on my health because i never got a break and it sounds like you are having a similar problem. It is unhealthy for you and you deserve to be able to nurture yourself. I hope that you can get some help. Perhaps you will get to a point where the nursing home will be the answer when she needs total care. My heart goes out to you. You take care. Love and blessings to you.
Goodness NickiJ you are an angel. I do not know how you have been able to function with so much on you. I know that dealing with someone with alzheimer's is a full time job without all the other things you are dealing with. One thing I noticed you do not say anything about your mother's medications. Is she on medicine for the illness and to sleep, etc?
I am like you and not fond of nursing homes...but perhaps you can get some out side help. I know the care giving thing was hard on my health because i never got a break and it sounds like you are having a similar problem. It is unhealthy for you and you deserve to be able to nurture yourself. I hope that you can get some help. Perhaps you will get to a point where the nursing home will be the answer when she needs total care. My heart goes out to you. You take care. Love and blessings to you.
you need to put her into a home and now. you have to save yourself and your family. She has no clue what she is doing to you and your guilt is associated with the person she was and no longer is. and you do need to be a role model for your children. would you want them to put up with this as you have if the roles were reversed? I don't think so. Once you get past the fact that this is no longer the person you have always known and loved, it makes it all much easier. They are a stranger to all of you and you wouldn't let a stranger pull you down. We all have made our promises, but when there comes a point that they aren't aware of what is going on....you have done your job. you have fought the good fight. moving them isn't a sign of weakness, it is one of strength. As long as you know you have done all you can and it seems like you have by relocating your entire family, then you are done. You don't want the main memories in your family's life to be "all the years we were miserable taking care of grandma". Don't let your guilt be the overriding factor. People who feel guilty never get what they want. God Bless You.
you need to put her into a home and now. you have to save yourself and your family. She has no clue what she is doing to you and your guilt is associated with the person she was and no longer is. and you do need to be a role model for your children. would you want them to put up with this as you have if the roles were reversed? I don't think so. Once you get past the fact that this is no longer the person you have always known and loved, it makes it all much easier. They are a stranger to all of you and you wouldn't let a stranger pull you down. We all have made our promises, but when there comes a point that they aren't aware of what is going on....you have done your job. you have fought the good fight. moving them isn't a sign of weakness, it is one of strength. As long as you know you have done all you can and it seems like you have by relocating your entire family, then you are done. You don't want the main memories in your family's life to be "all the years we were miserable taking care of grandma". Don't let your guilt be the overriding factor. People who feel guilty never get what they want. God Bless You.
If you live in or near a big city, find a "Geriatrician", this is a doctor that specializes in problems of older adults, chief of which is Alzehimer's and dementia. I mention this because he/she will know of where you can take mom for a full geriatric evaluation. Don't worry about cost its mostly covered by medicare (if not completely). It takes place normally in a hospital and they keep her for a full day, running every imaginable test, and examed by neurologists, social workers, etc. etc. This will give you a solid diagnosis. This is important, because there are now about a dozen different variations of Alzheimer's, and with some of them, they do not respond to medication they way others do. When you said Ativan does not work well with her, I have suspicions. Ativan will 'normally' knock a horse out! The right evaluation will lead to the right treatment, which will include the right medication. Unfortunately, with combative and now wandering behavior you may be looking at placement. Not necessarily a nursing home (that is a last resort if she has no money). But there are assisted living communities and board and care homes that specialize in people like your mom. If you check out my bio, I list more resources there. good luck, Donahue Vanderhider, MSG (Gerontologist)
If you live in or near a big city, find a "Geriatrician", this is a doctor that specializes in problems of older adults, chief of which is Alzehimer's and dementia. I mention this because he/she will know of where you can take mom for a full geriatric evaluation. Don't worry about cost its mostly covered by medicare (if not completely). It takes place normally in a hospital and they keep her for a full day, running every imaginable test, and examed by neurologists, social workers, etc. etc. This will give you a solid diagnosis. This is important, because there are now about a dozen different variations of Alzheimer's, and with some of them, they do not respond to medication they way others do. When you said Ativan does not work well with her, I have suspicions. Ativan will 'normally' knock a horse out! The right evaluation will lead to the right treatment, which will include the right medication. Unfortunately, with combative and now wandering behavior you may be looking at placement. Not necessarily a nursing home (that is a last resort if she has no money). But there are assisted living communities and board and care homes that specialize in people like your mom. If you check out my bio, I list more resources there. good luck, Donahue Vanderhider, MSG (Gerontologist)
NickiJ, I just found your post and wanted to reply. I agree with Corkysmommy on the point that "you would not want to put your kids through this". I take care of my Father, he moved in with me 2 years and 3 months ago. He has dementia/alzheimers but not combative like your mom. After several mini strokes he was sent to a neurologist. There was so much wrong with his brain the neuro didn't want to try to fix anything for fear of making something else worse. He put him on anti-depressants and that took most of my Dads edgyness away. He use to roll around the house in his wheelchair constantly from one place to another, he no longer does that. I also have him on the Exelon patch which has worked wonders with him. A big improvement on his memory loss. My Dad is against nursing homes but when he gets to the point of not knowing me and can't do anything for himself that is where he will have to go. I dread that just as you dread it with your Mom. My Dad is 24/7 care. The only thing he can for himself is feed himself and sometimes I have to finish that! He is incontinent and sometimes loses control of his bowels. I did put him in the nursing home for a week under respite care, he had to pay for it,(but it was worth it), so I could take a vacation a few weeks ago. His sister was able to go by everyday nd check on him, so I knew he would be cared for. He didn't like it but we have to do for ourselves sometimes! My Dad was never the loving kind and has always been self centered. He thinks I should do everything for him and drop whatever I am doing to do whatever he wants. I finally learned to tell him to wait unless it is something important. He got to where he would use the excuse he needed to have a bowel movement because he knew I would come right then. I caught on that pretty quick! About a month ago he had another mini stroke. He lost the use of his right hand, which made it very difficult to get him in and out of bed or on the bedside commode. He has gradually gotten some strength back in his hand but still wanted me to do all the lifting and pulling getting him where he needed to be. An occupational thereapist is coming by and showing us how to transfer him easier. I was amazed at how much he did for her. So now I am makinbg do all he can befor I offer help, I sit there and watch him but no longer lift, tug an pull. My back went out on MOnday of this week and it was eye opener, if I can't do it he will have to go to anursing home, so I have to be tough and make him do it.
Good Luck in your decision and remember you did your best and you have more than your Mom to think of. And like others said, she really is no longer the mom you knew and grew up with! HUgs and prayers,, Rellim1
NickiJ, I just found your post and wanted to reply. I agree with Corkysmommy on the point that "you would not want to put your kids through this". I take care of my Father, he moved in with me 2 years and 3 months ago. He has dementia/alzheimers but not combative like your mom. After several mini strokes he was sent to a neurologist. There was so much wrong with his brain the neuro didn't want to try to fix anything for fear of making something else worse. He put him on anti-depressants and that took most of my Dads edgyness away. He use to roll around the house in his wheelchair constantly from one place to another, he no longer does that. I also have him on the Exelon patch which has worked wonders with him. A big improvement on his memory loss. My Dad is against nursing homes but when he gets to the point of not knowing me and can't do anything for himself that is where he will have to go. I dread that just as you dread it with your Mom. My Dad is 24/7 care. The only thing he can for himself is feed himself and sometimes I have to finish that! He is incontinent and sometimes loses control of his bowels. I did put him in the nursing home for a week under respite care, he had to pay for it,(but it was worth it), so I could take a vacation a few weeks ago. His sister was able to go by everyday nd check on him, so I knew he would be cared for. He didn't like it but we have to do for ourselves sometimes! My Dad was never the loving kind and has always been self centered. He thinks I should do everything for him and drop whatever I am doing to do whatever he wants. I finally learned to tell him to wait unless it is something important. He got to where he would use the excuse he needed to have a bowel movement because he knew I would come right then. I caught on that pretty quick! About a month ago he had another mini stroke. He lost the use of his right hand, which made it very difficult to get him in and out of bed or on the bedside commode. He has gradually gotten some strength back in his hand but still wanted me to do all the lifting and pulling getting him where he needed to be. An occupational thereapist is coming by and showing us how to transfer him easier. I was amazed at how much he did for her. So now I am makinbg do all he can befor I offer help, I sit there and watch him but no longer lift, tug an pull. My back went out on MOnday of this week and it was eye opener, if I can't do it he will have to go to anursing home, so I have to be tough and make him do it.
Good Luck in your decision and remember you did your best and you have more than your Mom to think of. And like others said, she really is no longer the mom you knew and grew up with! HUgs and prayers,, Rellim1
I just had to put my mom in a home this week, so I know how you feel. We kept her with us for 4 long months, but her care needs became too great. We're fortunate to have senior care homes in our area, over 200 of them. She's now living in a beautiful home with 4 other residents. She has her own room with her furniture, so it's very homey. They get treated very well at this place and have a beautiful garden. There are a lot of windows and skylights, so it's bright and cheery.
Your county may have a senior service that could send you some info. to help you through this transition. We have businesses here where someone will take you around to look at places after finding out what your needs are. It was a tremendous help, because I didn't know about these senior homes. I really didn't want to put her in an institution. If I'd known how easy it was going to be, I would've done it sooner.
I wish you the best and remember, it's ok to grieve.
I just had to put my mom in a home this week, so I know how you feel. We kept her with us for 4 long months, but her care needs became too great. We're fortunate to have senior care homes in our area, over 200 of them. She's now living in a beautiful home with 4 other residents. She has her own room with her furniture, so it's very homey. They get treated very well at this place and have a beautiful garden. There are a lot of windows and skylights, so it's bright and cheery.
Your county may have a senior service that could send you some info. to help you through this transition. We have businesses here where someone will take you around to look at places after finding out what your needs are. It was a tremendous help, because I didn't know about these senior homes. I really didn't want to put her in an institution. If I'd known how easy it was going to be, I would've done it sooner.
I wish you the best and remember, it's ok to grieve.
To all of you agonizing over eventually having to put your loved one is a senior community - let me tell you from experience; the vast majority of caregivers wish they did it SOONER. As a specialist in aging, I will let you in on a little secret. Assisted Living is great, but if wait too long, then you lose the option and will only have the nursing home option available to you. You can read about it at http://www.ezinearticles.com look up Vanderhider and find my articles on "How to avoid ever having to go to a nursing home" best of luck to all (I have another article on there called "Caregiving for Alzheimer's is a thankless task", but its not as bad as the title impies). Donahue
To all of you agonizing over eventually having to put your loved one is a senior community - let me tell you from experience; the vast majority of caregivers wish they did it SOONER. As a specialist in aging, I will let you in on a little secret. Assisted Living is great, but if wait too long, then you lose the option and will only have the nursing home option available to you. You can read about it at http://www.ezinearticles.com look up Vanderhider and find my articles on "How to avoid ever having to go to a nursing home" best of luck to all (I have another article on there called "Caregiving for Alzheimer's is a thankless task", but its not as bad as the title impies). Donahue
Growing up she always stressed that she never wanted to go to a nursing home.She retired to take care of her mother and then proceeded to care for her stepfather and then my father as his health declined and he passed away 16years ago
Right now your mother doesn't know whether she is in a nursing home or her house. You have taken on your mother either out of obligation or guilt. Due to her unstable and uncontrollable behavior, she is at the top of your responsibilities. Well Alzheimers can and will take EVERYONE down with it, if you let it. Over 60% of caregivers come down with health problems, and we are not talking about a cold. You need to sit down with all of your family and hear what they have to say and come up with a better descision.
As you know, children are children and they don't have the life experiences to deal with difficult situations. Having a combative person in their life is dangerous and damaging.
Recently I read of another mother that brought her father with AD to live with her husband and two young girls (5 & 9). Considering her father to be an adult and the child's grandfather, she left them in his care. HELLO??? The older child ran into the room when she heard her sister screaming. She found their grandfather sitting on her little sister trying to I would guess kill her. The older sister yelled at him and he finally released the child. The mother doesn't know what to do, doesn't want to put Dad in a nursing home. She claims that she will never leave the children alone with him.
Do you see anything wrong with this???? TONS!!!!! Both children need therapy. As well as they should feel safe, and they don't. Her father/their grandfather is not an evil person....as a matter of fact, he doesn't know that he did it or anything wrong. He has Alzheimers which is irreversable brain damage. He needs to be protected from harming himself and others.
Waiting for a parent to give you permission to place them in a nursing home, assisted living or memory loss residential home, isn't going to happen. YOU have to be the adult and looked at what is best for all concerned.
Growing up she always stressed that she never wanted to go to a nursing home.She retired to take care of her mother and then proceeded to care for her stepfather and then my father as his health declined and he passed away 16years ago
Right now your mother doesn't know whether she is in a nursing home or her house. You have taken on your mother either out of obligation or guilt. Due to her unstable and uncontrollable behavior, she is at the top of your responsibilities. Well Alzheimers can and will take EVERYONE down with it, if you let it. Over 60% of caregivers come down with health problems, and we are not talking about a cold. You need to sit down with all of your family and hear what they have to say and come up with a better descision.
As you know, children are children and they don't have the life experiences to deal with difficult situations. Having a combative person in their life is dangerous and damaging.
Recently I read of another mother that brought her father with AD to live with her husband and two young girls (5 & 9). Considering her father to be an adult and the child's grandfather, she left them in his care. HELLO??? The older child ran into the room when she heard her sister screaming. She found their grandfather sitting on her little sister trying to I would guess kill her. The older sister yelled at him and he finally released the child. The mother doesn't know what to do, doesn't want to put Dad in a nursing home. She claims that she will never leave the children alone with him.
Do you see anything wrong with this???? TONS!!!!! Both children need therapy. As well as they should feel safe, and they don't. Her father/their grandfather is not an evil person....as a matter of fact, he doesn't know that he did it or anything wrong. He has Alzheimers which is irreversable brain damage. He needs to be protected from harming himself and others.
Waiting for a parent to give you permission to place them in a nursing home, assisted living or memory loss residential home, isn't going to happen. YOU have to be the adult and looked at what is best for all concerned.
NickiJ - I hope you have found a solution by now, but in case you haven't decided yet, here is one other thought.
No person benefits from feeling out of control of themselves. So, in addition to your mother's behavior being extremely damaging to you and your children, it is also damaging to her. It might actually be soothing for her to live somewhere she feels provides her with safety from her own behavior. Not that she would be able to articulate this, of course. And of course you are doing everything you can to keep her safe, but sometimes a family isn't enough. Sometimes people need a whole team, and an environment that is set up to accommodate their unique needs, filled with other people with similar needs.
I wish you the best, and hope you won't hold onto the "no nursing home" commitment or feel too guilty if you don't. Nursing home or assisted living placement is NOT always a bad thing, and some of them are wonderful places.
NickiJ - I hope you have found a solution by now, but in case you haven't decided yet, here is one other thought.
No person benefits from feeling out of control of themselves. So, in addition to your mother's behavior being extremely damaging to you and your children, it is also damaging to her. It might actually be soothing for her to live somewhere she feels provides her with safety from her own behavior. Not that she would be able to articulate this, of course. And of course you are doing everything you can to keep her safe, but sometimes a family isn't enough. Sometimes people need a whole team, and an environment that is set up to accommodate their unique needs, filled with other people with similar needs.
I wish you the best, and hope you won't hold onto the "no nursing home" commitment or feel too guilty if you don't. Nursing home or assisted living placement is NOT always a bad thing, and some of them are wonderful places.