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about 3 years ago

I do understand how other family members do not help. If they are not helping you, you do what you think is best. Obviously, a short post cannot explain your reluctance to tell your siblings and father about a nursing home/ rehab center. They can take her to their homes, if they do not like it. Can you conceal her whereabouts? I do not know about that. A post is too short to explain. Again, they can take care of the problem, if they do not like your solution. If you feel inadequate and guilty, stop it.

about 3 years ago
ryn said...

I look after my mum and dad by myself no help from brother . If no one else is willing to help you and leaving it all up to you, then do what you think is right, and if family etc, doesnt agree then tell them to help solve the problem, with you. Do what you think is right..

about 3 years ago
dwinpdx said...

i am so sorry to hear of your issues. I believe you did the right thing. No one else is stepping up and helping and you are, so if they don't like it,let them figure out another plan, in the meantime, visit your mother and reassure her. My mother in law is in an assisted care home and the move for her from a rehab home was very traumatic for her. Don't forget her feelings in all this family trauma.

about 3 years ago
bleu232 said...

This is sad.You cant get along with the others how in the world does anyone expect mom to. How unwanted she must feel.Why is it not mom and dad living together? Why did she become violent with sister and dad? Why does she have to be put in a nursing home for 60 days? They make depends for her bowel problem and you said some what mentally. I dont know,I am against a nursing home unless or until they can not be cared for. In this instance it seems she is not cared about. How well I know that when a person takes ill.

about 3 years ago

Given the circumstances as you've described them, I believe your response is entirely appropriate. No one wants to care for your Mom; so why do you want them to mess things up now that you've arranged care for her?

The ONE CRITICAL STEP you must take: You need the authority to do these actions. You say your brother is the POA. He is responsible. He could name you POA if he no longer wishes to accept his responsibility, which it sure seems like, given your comments! However, once you solve the family's problems you don't want them coming after you and saying you kidnapped Mom.

The sad part of all this is how the brain is affected following a stroke. Your mom would likely be horrified if she were aware of her behaviors.

For additional help (forgive the self-promotion ; o ) read "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's at http://www.thecaregiversvoice.com/products-services/tcv-books/

about 3 years ago
Karenjr519 said...

I think you are doing the right thing. It sounds like the other family members are overwhelmed. Placing her there re-assures all of you that all you need to do is visit her and not do the grueling day - to - day stuff to take care of her.

I am concerned about the violence. Sometimes that is as simple as a reaction to a urinary infection. Dementia patients do not know how to tell their caregivers and it gets worse until they are delirious or combatant. Being in the nursing home will help when these health issues arise.

You might want to consider getting guardianship so that other family members can't pull her out or anything else. It will be helpful in the future when decisions need to be made. I found that out when taking care of my husband. The Guardianship was more powerful than the Power of Attorney. Also, the nursing home social worker can help you to find a counselor to talk with and perhaps the whole family would go as well. I was lucky (??)when my parents became ill and needed to move to a retirement place. As the oldest they expected me to do something. Half of my siblings were in college. I had everything set up for them. As they and my brother got older, my brother took over helping them. He was the only one living in town by then. I did take counseling because all the family pressures at home and with my parents. It helped me in how to communicate with my siblings.

The internet was not readily available when I started taking care of my parents. It is so great that we have this outlet to let off steam and get good advice. Good Luck

about 3 years ago
LeonaLee said...

No you are not doing the right thing. The family obviously has issues, but unless the mother is ruled incompetent then it seems that you might do better for your mother and family by engaging a Geriatric Care Manager to explore options. Incontinence and need for assistance should not trigger admission to a nursing home. The red flag is that the police were called by family and your mother was given the option of going to jail or going somewhere else. What does that tell you? Be cautious and get the help of a professional who can unsnarl the tangle of family issues and actual needs of your mom. It may be that a home health aide is a better choice than a nursing home. I question why no one evaluated the why of your father & sister's assertions.

I'd also like to add that it is really inappropriate for people to plug their business on this help board. It is for help - not finding new business

about 3 years ago
bleu232 said...

I am glad I am not the only one that felt this way. I will tell you why. I am at the end stages of emphazema(sp) which my two grown children have no clue what the disease is and how it effects me.They only worried about how it effected them. They both took off in different directions. One tried to lie about me and have me put in a nursing home. Thank God I still had enough air in me to say there's the door. I would get a copy of the police report because personally I would question why would anyone start divorce proceedings? Did mom say she wanted a divorce? What is sister still doing at home with mom and dad? Dept on aging is there for this.I take it mom is not collecting disability or ssi or come with any benifits. Why divorce? Your father needs a wake up call and so does your sister.Someone needs to take up for mom. You dont need a dime to have caretakers come in and help her infact medicaid and medicare in certain situations pay a family member to provide that. I pray for that woman and If you would like to speak one on one I am here and I will give you an email upon request

about 3 years ago
Bailey123 said...

Iam going through alot of the same thing you are. Iam the one that had to find a place for my dad He has Dementia and it just isn't going to get better. I feel so quilty about haveing him put in a home but it isn't a nursing home it's a board and care they can only have 6 residents at a time. You might want to look into a facility like that.

Take care

about 3 years ago

I strongly suggest you work with your local Area Agency on Aging. It sounds as though your family has a lot to deal with and may be suffering from caregiver burnout, with some additional unhealthy family dynamics. It is not unusual or innappropriate to have sent your mother to the hospital for evaluation when she became violent (remember that you were not under the same roof at that time, so you cannot say for sure whether it was or was not warranted to make that call) It is a shame that the hospital did not enlist the help of an outside agency to offer some intervention when it came time to send her back home. You can find out how to contact the Area Agency on Aging (nearly every county has one, funded by the federal Older Americans Act and state/local funds) by calling Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 or going to their website at http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx.
Hopefully, your mother has named a power of attorney and health care proxy and shared her wishes with that individual so that they can do the best they can to ensure that her wishes are honored and that she gets the care & support she needs. It would be helpful to have a facilitator sit down with the family to come up with a mutually agreeable plan of care. Divorce seems like a sudden and drastic measure, unless there is much more history than what you have outlined in your brief message. At some point, Adult Protective Services may be needed. If she truly is mentally competent to make decisions, she definitely should have a say in what happens to her. You also want to be sure you have not taken your mother in or sent her somewhere against her will, that could be considered kidnapping, particularly if you are "hiding" her somewhere. This is a very difficult time for you all and I wish you well in finding someone with compassion, but wise guidance as you all try to work through this crisis together.

about 3 years ago
Glendaree said...

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I can tell from experience it is not as black and white as it seems. There are many unanswered questions. What escalated the violence that required a call to the police, for one. There are some things you all need to do. 1) Have a family meeting with Mom and all involved. 2) Since she still has a portion of mental capacity,LISTEN, LISTEN LISTEN to her 3) Re-examined the POA.4) If the POA does not want handle the business, considered another or conservatorship.5) Mom needs all the love she can get. She needs all of you all to look out for her and not make it about yourselves. 6) A good united family will make her life so much better. In the end daughter it sound like you did doing this for the wrong reason, you were angry.The good thing you do love your mom, it just so overwheling and you have a life and family of your own. Let the family in on everything.

about 3 years ago
Marly26 said...

Hi there! What actually happened at her home that made her so violent? If you have put her in a home and your brother is the PA he should be in on this. Everyone should have a sit down meeting to share or voice their opinions. Its' obvious that you yourself cannot take care of her nor do the rest of the family which is unfortunate. However I do know how hard it is to care for a loved one with Alzheimers'/Dementia. I have my father in law that I care for and it can weigh you down at times, with yourself going through rough times as well. I wouldn't hide the fact that you have her in a home, I'm sure the family would understand since they themselves' cant' or will not take her in. I honestly believe that the rest of your family were afraid to do what you have. Your mom needs love, caring and understanding. It would be nice for the family to get together, have a talk. This way they know where she is, can go and visit which is definetly good for your mom. Being in a home is very hard, she probably doesn't understand why she is there. This way if everyone knows you can all take turns at visiting her. It sounds like there are alot of family issues' going on and nobody wants to fill in the position of caring for her in their homes. Dont' feel that your family doesn't care, they do, its just hard for them to manage her, just as yourself. Do the right thing, call a meeting with all of the family, preferably at your home or your fathers'. Let all involved know what has been done, make a plan with all of them as to what days' they will visit with your mom. This way it takes the burden off of everyone. Dont' feel bad about what you have done, its obvious that you yourself cannot care for her 24/7 just as they cant'. She is in a place where she is being cared for at all times, as well as with others that she is able to be around. All of you as well should visit your mom and let her know that this is her new home but she will not be left alone. Regardless of how she is it is most important that your mom know that all of you love her dearly and that all of you will not leave her. This is so detrimental to her health. It is so hard on a loved one being put in a home, not knowing what has happened and being with strangers. Nothing is like having your family around, it perks' them up, assures' them that they are loved. Anyone of the family members can then go and see her, do her hair, read to her, spend quality time with her. This is so important. Talk to them all for your moms' sake and be adamant that they visit her. They cant' say an hour of their time is to valuable that they cant' visit their mother. I wish you luck, my prayers' are with you. Please do not feel guilty for what you have done and dont' stress yourself out.

about 3 years ago
bleu232 said...

This post has ment alot to alot of different people. I hold my same feelings on this but I do want to say that wasnt it the police that took mom to the e.r. and wasnt it the e.r. that stated nothing was wrong with mom? I would take her in in a heart beat. I am a mother and I changed many of diapers in my life and put up with alot of trouble, hurts, pains etc from being a mother. I never thought of putting my kids in a home. Daycare? Yes. A babysitter? Yes. A nursing home has its purpose.When the mind no longer works and a person deems harmful to themself then yes. Ask yourself could I do this to my child? Then why would you do it to a parent? I have always said " A mother can raise ten children but ten children cannot raise one mother." HOW SAD. What does a mother sacrifice for her children? I missed out on alot raising two kids and half there friends and if my 76 year old mother fell sick today, even in my condition she would not see the inside of a nursing home.

about 3 years ago
ReeDee said...

Oh Wow Chris! That is really hard. I was the primary caretaker for my parents and it was not an easy job... and I had help! Does your mom have dementia? Can she tell you what happened to cause the violent outburst? Does she understand why she can't go back home? Does your brother, the PA, or your father have medical power of attorney? Are your father and sister willing to take care of her with help? Does your father realize that he may have to sell the family home, clean out their savings and provide half his pension to her care? Financially, at any rate, she IS his responsibility. What is your reasoning in keeping the rest of the family away from her? Both of you are going to need all the support you can get. More questions than answers I know. Need more information Chris in order to answer. I do care, I don't judge. Let me know..

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