Anyone out there grow up with an alcoholic for a mother? I did. I was removed from her home when I was 14 and had very little contact with her. The times I did see her she was mean, nasty and always said whatever came to her mind regardless of how it would hurt the other person. The only rules she ever followed to my knowledge were the ones set down by the law. She has always done whatever she wants and to hell with anyone else! She blames me for being removed from the home. Had nothing to do with the fact that she would leave her children alone for days and sometimes a week at a time. She was just a crappy mom who was more into men and having a good time! I understand there are probably thousands of people who grew up like this and many were worse than mine. She messed each of her 7 children up in various ways. Mine was emotional. I remember the fighting her and whatever man was there at the time, the throwing of dishes, the meals she ruind by throwing all the food off the table, the drunken brawls and on it goes. She is selfish. My husband and I would go to her house for Thanksgiving with our children and no one in my family, brothers or sister etc likes dark meat, well she would buy a huge turkey and when we would eat the breast she would come unclued, calls us filthy names and take the breast and hide it and tell everyone to eat the dark meat. Of course no one did and that would send her into another fit of cussing saying we were wasting food. We stopped going there when she began calling her grandchildren vile names and make them cry. Over the years I would hear from my sister how mother was doing but didn't go out of my way to visit her.
Then I did start visiting her. Always with the thought that this time would be different. This time she would want to have conversations, ask me how I was doing or whatever. This time she would be a mom. WRONG! I went to therapy and was told as an adult I do not any longer have to deal with her. I don't know where I learned this from but I don't believe a child should yell at their mother, cuss their mother out or tell their mother to frick off. I have tried to explain things to her in a calm voice, she screams vulgarities at me. I have always hugged and kissed her hello and goodbye she comes back with an insult to either my face or body. However, if I yell at her and tell her to shut the frick up or I will leave she suddenly becomes so nice that it blows me away! It's not normal people! I believe in what the Bible says and the commandments of honoring thy mother and thy father and each time I have had to talk to her that way I feel guilty and feel I am going against my belief in God's word. She pushes at people until they explode then she's happy. She stopped drinking at least 8-10 years ago. She was never there when I needed her. She was never there for my siblings either. Though her last born son was like a King to her. He could do no wrong. She never let any of us forget how wonderful he was. (yeah, he was a drunk and an addict who died from an overdose 2 years ago and convinced her to take out a $20000 mortgage on the house. We all know where that money went!)
Okay, that's just a little bit of my mother and my history. Two years ago she was hospitalized for congestive heart failure. Her legs and feet get huge. The doctors told us she could no longer live alone and they felt she was in the early stages of dementia. The house she lives in is downright filthy. Many many times we have tried to clean it for her and there is only so much a human being can take with her. Her brother moved in with her. He would take her to the doctor and give her her medicine. I would go there and make sure she was paying her bills etc. One time I went to the doctor with her because I wanted him to know that she was seeing dead people, not sleeping in her bed. She got peeved big time in his office and the doctor told me she was just old. Oh, and she does not take baths or wash her hair. She is slick though. She knows that if she goes back to the hospital for her legs one thing will lead to another and she could be removed from her home sooo, instead of wearing her short shorts like she always does, she is now wearing long pants so no one can see how big her legs are getting. I called her doctor and found out she hadn't been to see him for months! When I went over I told her I was there to take to the ER (she was walking on her ankles due to how big her feet and legs were) she told me she was on her freking way to get her hair done and I could get freaked. I just couldn't take it anymore so I left but not before I tore into her. I feel so bad about it. As I was leaving I told her I was done with her and that I would think about calling social services and let them take her ass out!
I truly feel bad for her. While she has been living at this house, she moved there after her husband died, she lost her first grandson, one of her brothers, her 2nd oldest son, her other daughter (my only sister), her favorite son and just a week ago the brother who was living with her committed suicide in his room!
Now she is alone. She can't drive, never knew how. Her legs are huge again. I was going to take her in. I talked it over with a younger brother and he said it sounded good. Then he said he wanted mother to give him $5000 so he could buy a house. He tells anyone that he is all about the money. He doesn't want her to spend the little she has because he strongly feels it belongs to him due to the way she didn't do anything for him when he was little. So, I can take her get all the stress, be the one to take her to the doctor etc etc and he said he will not even take her for one day to give me a break? The oldest brother says he is too sick to deal with her. He encourages me to take her. The only other brother left has had nothing to do with her for I dare say 30 years. Well, I told my brother I was not going to take her. We do not get along, I don't believe in having to yell cuss words at someone just to get them to do what they should do or for any reason. I explained this to her. And sadly my brother told her that no body wanted her and that she was going to stay in her house. A day or two later she called me and sounded so sweet and loving that it caused that empathy and all that crap to kick in and I thought I could handle it. Just set some rules down, be assertive, yell at her if neccessary. I told my brother I was going to do it and he said no you're not. You two don't get along. Why are you going to flip flop you can't do that to her.
So I said ok, she can die in her house. Oh I pray God will forgive me for that. The logical part of me knows that I can not deal with her. It's the emotional part that gets me into trouble. See, I do know what it's like to live alone and not have anyone come over to visit or to be able to get to a store or to go somewhere. And then I think I can make her life better. I think I can get her to be different. But I can't. I don't have a magic wand. She begs us not to put her in a home, she says she wants to die at home.
I've researched assisted living.....she doesn't make enough money to afford that. She refuses having a nurse come over. She refuses any/all help from anyone. She is extremely uncooperative!
I apologize for writing such a long nasty note. Thank you for listening.