Anyone out there grow up with an alcoholic for a mother? I did. I was removed from her home when I was 14 and had very little contact with her. The times I did see her she was mean, nasty and always said whatever came to her mind regardless of how it would hurt the other person. The only rules she ever followed to my knowledge were the ones set down by the law. She has always done whatever she wants and to hell with anyone else! She blames me for being removed from the home. Had nothing to do with the fact that she would leave her children alone for days and sometimes a week at a time. She was just a crappy mom who was more into men and having a good time! I understand there are probably thousands of people who grew up like this and many were worse than mine. She messed each of her 7 children up in various ways. Mine was emotional. I remember the fighting her and whatever man was there at the time, the throwing of dishes, the meals she ruind by throwing all the food off the table, the drunken brawls and on it goes. She is selfish. My husband and I would go to her house for Thanksgiving with our children and no one in my family, brothers or sister etc likes dark meat, well she would buy a huge turkey and when we would eat the breast she would come unclued, calls us filthy names and take the breast and hide it and tell everyone to eat the dark meat. Of course no one did and that would send her into another fit of cussing saying we were wasting food. We stopped going there when she began calling her grandchildren vile names and make them cry. Over the years I would hear from my sister how mother was doing but didn't go out of my way to visit her.
Then I did start visiting her. Always with the thought that this time would be different. This time she would want to have conversations, ask me how I was doing or whatever. This time she would be a mom. WRONG! I went to therapy and was told as an adult I do not any longer have to deal with her. I don't know where I learned this from but I don't believe a child should yell at their mother, cuss their mother out or tell their mother to frick off. I have tried to explain things to her in a calm voice, she screams vulgarities at me. I have always hugged and kissed her hello and goodbye she comes back with an insult to either my face or body. However, if I yell at her and tell her to shut the frick up or I will leave she suddenly becomes so nice that it blows me away! It's not normal people! I believe in what the Bible says and the commandments of honoring thy mother and thy father and each time I have had to talk to her that way I feel guilty and feel I am going against my belief in God's word. She pushes at people until they explode then she's happy. She stopped drinking at least 8-10 years ago. She was never there when I needed her. She was never there for my siblings either. Though her last born son was like a King to her. He could do no wrong. She never let any of us forget how wonderful he was. (yeah, he was a drunk and an addict who died from an overdose 2 years ago and convinced her to take out a $20000 mortgage on the house. We all know where that money went!)
Okay, that's just a little bit of my mother and my history. Two years ago she was hospitalized for congestive heart failure. Her legs and feet get huge. The doctors told us she could no longer live alone and they felt she was in the early stages of dementia. The house she lives in is downright filthy. Many many times we have tried to clean it for her and there is only so much a human being can take with her. Her brother moved in with her. He would take her to the doctor and give her her medicine. I would go there and make sure she was paying her bills etc. One time I went to the doctor with her because I wanted him to know that she was seeing dead people, not sleeping in her bed. She got peeved big time in his office and the doctor told me she was just old. Oh, and she does not take baths or wash her hair. She is slick though. She knows that if she goes back to the hospital for her legs one thing will lead to another and she could be removed from her home sooo, instead of wearing her short shorts like she always does, she is now wearing long pants so no one can see how big her legs are getting. I called her doctor and found out she hadn't been to see him for months! When I went over I told her I was there to take to the ER (she was walking on her ankles due to how big her feet and legs were) she told me she was on her freking way to get her hair done and I could get freaked. I just couldn't take it anymore so I left but not before I tore into her. I feel so bad about it. As I was leaving I told her I was done with her and that I would think about calling social services and let them take her ass out!
I truly feel bad for her. While she has been living at this house, she moved there after her husband died, she lost her first grandson, one of her brothers, her 2nd oldest son, her other daughter (my only sister), her favorite son and just a week ago the brother who was living with her committed suicide in his room!
Now she is alone. She can't drive, never knew how. Her legs are huge again. I was going to take her in. I talked it over with a younger brother and he said it sounded good. Then he said he wanted mother to give him $5000 so he could buy a house. He tells anyone that he is all about the money. He doesn't want her to spend the little she has because he strongly feels it belongs to him due to the way she didn't do anything for him when he was little. So, I can take her get all the stress, be the one to take her to the doctor etc etc and he said he will not even take her for one day to give me a break? The oldest brother says he is too sick to deal with her. He encourages me to take her. The only other brother left has had nothing to do with her for I dare say 30 years. Well, I told my brother I was not going to take her. We do not get along, I don't believe in having to yell cuss words at someone just to get them to do what they should do or for any reason. I explained this to her. And sadly my brother told her that no body wanted her and that she was going to stay in her house. A day or two later she called me and sounded so sweet and loving that it caused that empathy and all that crap to kick in and I thought I could handle it. Just set some rules down, be assertive, yell at her if neccessary. I told my brother I was going to do it and he said no you're not. You two don't get along. Why are you going to flip flop you can't do that to her.
So I said ok, she can die in her house. Oh I pray God will forgive me for that. The logical part of me knows that I can not deal with her. It's the emotional part that gets me into trouble. See, I do know what it's like to live alone and not have anyone come over to visit or to be able to get to a store or to go somewhere. And then I think I can make her life better. I think I can get her to be different. But I can't. I don't have a magic wand. She begs us not to put her in a home, she says she wants to die at home.
I've researched assisted living.....she doesn't make enough money to afford that. She refuses having a nurse come over. She refuses any/all help from anyone. She is extremely uncooperative!
I apologize for writing such a long nasty note. Thank you for listening.
There's so much in your post. I am so sorry that this relationship with your mom has caused you so much torment. My father was an addict and I just never resolved my relationship with him (try to just take the good and clear out for the bad, don't deal with him at all, try hard to help but really be a mirror for him and say the scary stuff). Nothing felt right, so I really, really love your handle, empathysucks.
Addiction really turns all of our best instincts on their heads.
Please, please make sure you have some things in your life that affirm your best instincts (whether that's church or hiking or reading or whatever). It sounds like this relationship has an unending ability to torment you.
And, what do I know (?!), but I think that sometimes what we say when deeply stressed is also deeply true. I'm glad you're having the courage to live up to your pledge to walk away from your mom for awhile. It sounds like you could really use a break.
I grew up in a home of alchoholic parents. It has taken half of my adult life to realize that I cannot fix someone elses behaviors no matter how hard I try. I hope you are faster learner. :)
First, do not try to rationalize your mother's behavior because she is not behaving rationally.
Rather than yelling or becoming the confrontational person your mother wants you to become, understand that perhaps it is more healthy to accept that when face to face with an irrational person, the best one can do is to be is polite and to remove themselves from the abusive situation temporarily.
Secondly, you need help in order to help your mother. From what you have presented she is likely unable to care for herself and has a proven record of making extremely poor life decisions. It may be time to remove the option of her making her own decisions. She may need a person to take legal responsibility for deciding when she needs to see the doctors, if there is a visiting nurse, if there is live-in help needed, or if she must be moved to some type of care facility.
For these decisions you need to consult competant professionals. Look into social workers who specialize in geriatrics, attorneys who specialize in family law, and of course medical professionals who deal with eldercare. If your mother is quite bad off hospice may be another option.
It is past time to do what is best for your mother since she is not capable or willing to do it for herself. Legal action will be required for someone to become her legal guardian attorney. So, again seek the counsel of competant, licensed professionals in these areas.
Your mother's life appears to have always been messy and nearing the end of it is proving to be no different. Compassion comes in many forms. If you choose, in your relationshop with your mother, it may be in gathering the courage to allow her to express her hatred for you while you are doing the right thing.
Understand there may never be any thanks either from your mother or aother family members. The reward will be intrinsic in knowing you have taken the high road in doing for you mother what must be done when it needs done. Remember, she is not able to think or behave rationally so you cannot expect a rational response. A lifetime of alcohol abuse has altered her brain chemically and even if she sobers up she may never process information "normally".
Good luck. Raising alcoholic parents is never easy.
you have my sympathy.that stated,there is nothing you can do for this woman.she was your mother by birth only.her job was to get you here.pray you never get like her.if it were me,i would gather all of the pictures you have of her,sit down with a few good white candles and say goodbye.cry all you like,then forget her.be a good mom to your children and do your best in other areas. i had to do this for my son who was a druggie and mean,nasty,hateful and so on.i havent spoken to him in 10 years-god willing,i wont see him again.it's bad because he is also a womanizer and has serveral children by several women accross the country.i will never by their grandma.i wish that were different,but in order to have a relationship with them,i would have to have a relationship with him.not gonna happen.i cant save everyone,only myself.good luck
Perhaps you should take a copy of your letter to the city attonerys office and get your mother court ordered to treatment,you may need statements from your brothers as well,tell them how much and how often she drinks,how it's affecting her health.Does she have money to pay for treatment?it sounds like it's time for legal intervention.
Wow...well if nothing else it must be nice to know others care - yet at the same time caring doesn't accomplish too much for you in your personal struggles. I, too, am about to give up on the "meaningful" relationship I once had with my mother, who raised five kids alone after losing my dad to cancer when they were both 31 years old. In any event, she finally remarried once all of us kids were safely in our careers, happily married (in her mind!) and set for life. She married an alcoholic (not known to her when they married) who has gotten more bitter and more ugly and just more awful every time I see him. It has gotten to the point that my husband will not go visit them, which is huge because he is big on family, and HUGE golfer and lake lover -- they live on a golf course AND a lake. So you know the drill about things never changing and the continual broken promises. Her husband went thru treatment at 80 years old (!) which I give him props for, but I soon realized he only did it because she asked him to. He drank the day he got out and continues to do so to this day. She made all the threats but did not follow through. That is the point I am trying to make -- if things are going to change and if lives are going to be saved, you must stick with your own plan. I have finally made peace with the fact that I will never have what I once had with her, but I also know I cannot really do a damn thing to shake her up enough to make lasting changes. She wanted to move out, she looked at retirement communities, she spoke of the day that would happen - again and again. You have to let go. All I can do at this point is listen but not to things she won't attempt to change. I hope for the best for you, for my mother, for all of us.
Check into Rule 25 for treatment costs-stay strong.
It doesn't have to be just alcohol....It can be anything but the person that has the problem,first,has to want to be helped.....Nothing can be done until they accept and want to be helped. I say put her in a Nursing Home and devote your life to your own family or some day one of your own children might wind up feeling the same way you do (God forbid) She doesn't appear to want help. Nobody wants her,you have tried your best....Move on...Life is too short. (she must have had a pretty bad childhood herself.)
Searonia
I had to do the same thing with my son.............the hardest thing I've ever done and still working at it. I completely disassociated myself from him because he was so verbally abusive to me and won't work at 20 years old. My mom passed away 27 years ago. She was mentally ill all of my life. The one thing i can say about growing up with an alcoholic mother in reference to the story is its very sad but, I think everyone is right in saying you have to let go and wash your hands as difficult as that may be. I wish peace for you in your life. I am on a never ending search for peace and joy myself. As the old saying goes "Don't Let The Turkeys get You Down" If in my search i regain a relationship with my son, all the better. Be a realist!
Thanks to each person who responded. Recently I found out that my mother could go into assisted living .... then it dawned on me that if I did that and got rid of her house and she was booted out of assisted living whoa I'd end up with her. So no I'm not even going to go down that road. My aunts have tried talking to her about it and she tells them to frick off. She was so pissed that she went to her lawyer and told her I was trying to lock her up and I guess her lawyer told her I couldn't do anything. Obviously this is something my mother made up because I know I could go to court and have her legally declared incompetent. I do not have the energy to go down that road either. My brother tells me she sits on her couch all day talking to herself and going over and over and over her checkbook. My mother has a lady friend who lives down the street who seems to have a great deal of influence over my mother. And who thinks I'm a b**ch because I was thinking of putting my mother in assisted living. Oh well.
I would like to share this with everyone. My mothers mortgage is with National City Mortgage and her house insurance was through GMAC/Home Site. My mother called me last week to tell me she didn't have any house insurance and I couldn't understand her so I contacted National City Mortgage and they called GMAC Home Site for us to have a conference call. I was told my mothers house insurance was cancelled due to it being late. Her house insurance payment is included in her house payment which means the mortgage company is to send out the premium. My mother said she had received a big check last year didn't know why and took it to National City Bank to deposit it into her account. I do her mail and I never saw a notice that her insurance was cancelled so she hasn't had any for a year. National City Mortgage tells me that because she did not have insurance for a year they would be charging her a higher premium for the year she did not have insurance. So while I'm on the phone with these people my mother's friend takes her to the bank where the bank proceeds to take a very large amount of money out of my mothers checking account to cover the full year premium of the lapsed policy and for the new insurance my mother got! I strongly feel that my mother should not have to pay the consequences for what the mortgage company failed to do. I believe the mortgage company has been late before because my mother received a letter from the insurance company saying it had been late 3 times! How can mortgage companies get away with this kind of crap? I feel this is an injustice to my mother and possible other people but I've no clue as to how to change it.
I don't go over there as often anymore. Thanks for listening. :)
Please do NOT give up on her. You will regret this for the rest of your life. I found my mother dead when I was 15 years old from alcoholizem. She told me that she didn't have much time left, but I was 15 and didn't want to hear her tell me crap like that when she was drunk...She would be so different when drunk and so great when sober. I walked in to find her dead, my mom....at 43 years old... I was 15 and still needed her. So, after that, I have been on my own. But not one day goes by that I dont think "if I just would've came home the night before like I was supposed too," "If I would've just taken her to the doctor", If I just would've been here when she needed me, even though I was so young.. I still think about them things. My mom would give me money for my pot, I didn't drink much at all when I was young because she did adn I hated her for it. I still get mad at her cause she LEFT ME, She abandond me when I was only 15 years old...
Listen, you have a chance with her... your mom is sick with a disease, not a addiction as much as a disease, she needs help and I know you have the strength to get it for her, I know even thought you have had a bad life with her, problems with her getting along, I promise you that if you help her get help, YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER KNOWING YOU DID ALL YOU COULD!!!! Your bother don't sound like hes doing all he can to do whats best for her....be her rock for a while, and I promise you will live the rest of your life fullfilled knowing that you did it! Do what I couldn't do for my mom... please? I have lived so many years without her, I needed her at so many times in my life, and had nobody. i have 2 sisters, but still, I had nobody to help me or hold me up. I am still in counseling 1 time a week, I have been in for 10 years, and still haven't got to the death part of my mom. I lived in terrror with an abusive step dad, he put guns to my head and to my moms head, axs to our necks... all that, so please, help her.
I know it will be hard, Its not going to be easy...please do this for me. my e-mail is brandysheaven72@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk!
God bless you! Brandy
FIRST OF ALL I WD SUGGESTED TO YOU TO PRAY AND WAIT ON THE LORD TO GUIDE YOUR HEART AND TELL U WHAT TO DO BECAUSE HE ALONE HAS THE WISDOM TO GUIDE YOUR HEART IF YOUAREA CHRISTIAN , YOUMUST HAVE FAITH THAT HE CAN HEAL YOUR MOM OR TELL YOU WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO FOR HER I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL I BEEN THROUGH 2 AA MARRIAGES WHO PUT ME AND MY KIDS THRU PURE HELL AND I CHOOSE TO REMOVE MYSELFFROM THIS PAIN AND IM STILL PRAYING ABOUT IT AND WAITING ON THE LORD TO DEAL WITH THESE SISTUATIONS , I JUST PUT IT IN HIS HANDS AND LET HIM TAKE CARE OF THE PROBLEMS FOR ME I KNOW THEBIBLE COMMANDS US TO HONOR OUR PARENTS AND WE SHOULD CONTINUE TO DO BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN TO OBEY GOD AND RECEIVE HIS MANY BLESSING MY PRAYERS ARE FOR YOU DONT GIVE UP REMEBER THE LORD DIDINT GIVE UP ON YOU ,HE IS IN CONTROL TAKE CARE OF YOURSELFAND YOURFAMILY REMEBER YOUAND YOUR FAMILY ARE IN MY PRAYERS HAVE A BLESSED DAY
YOU WD NEED TO TALK TO A LAWYER IN REFERENCE TO THIS MESS BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE THEYARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER BECAUSE SHE IS AN ELEDERLY IM SURE THE PRESIDENT WD BE UPSET IF HEKNOW WHAT THE BANK AND INSURANCE ARE DOING DIRTY BUSINESS U NEED TO TAKE SOME ACTION AND GET SOMETHING DONE BUT FOREMOST PRAY AND ASK GOD TO HELP YOU WITH THE SISTUATION ANDWAIT ON HIM TO RESPOND HAVE A BLESSED DAY TAKE CARE
My Dad was like that. Abusive, alcoholic. My sibling and I were his "kids" only when he wanted to impress a new love interest, or be the "good dad" in front of his friends, etc. etc. Aside from that charade, I was eleven years old and allowed to run wild around the neighborhood as I pleased, any time I pleased. He offered me alcohol when I was 12 years old, and argued with me about my refusal to drink it because I knew what it was. My brother was six and he cussed him out because my brother didn't know how to do his math homework. My father hated my mother for leaving him, and would try to turn my brother and I against her. The final straw happened the night before my freshman finals. He got SO drunk, he flipped out. He was pissed about his delusion that I brought a CD from his house over to my mother's house (she had left him a long time before this, but we had visitation every other weekend). He ripped through everything I owned, and cussed me out at 3 in the morning. After he saw he had awoken me out of a dead sleep and I was crying my eyes out, he poured a few bottles out and promised never to do it again, and hugged and comforted me. I had decided then and there that this indeed, would be THE last time. I had read stories. I knew this wasn't the last time if I continued to see him on the weekends. This would be the beginning to a darker chapter, and with his behavior, I knew that physical abuse wasn't that far away. So at thirteen, I ended up walking in my pajamas, one mile to the nearest gas station to call my mother to pick me up. The point is, he was belligerant, swore a lot, and extremely selfish. After that night, I wrote him a letter, explaining why I wasn't coming back, and left it up to him - either he quits drinking, or live without my brother and I in his life. I went on to write that if he ever did want us back in his life, I'd be glad to have my father in my life, and to please give me a call. He kept calling, and I would refuse to respond. I knew that it was too soon. So, he quit calling. I hoped he had taken it as, "I'm not kidding, get help." But, the phone never rang. Years passed, and my mother kept the old house phone number on just for that reason; he was clean and finally decided to call his children. But, the phone never rang. I'm 23 now, and had absolutely no reason to have him in my life. I had bumped into my half sister, (very manipulative, and doesn't like me at all) and she had said he had almost died the prior year. The reason? Alcohol. BUt he's clean now, supposedly. So, I got his cell number, and gave him a call. I had decided that if he wasn't going to do it himself, I would. I was not going to let him die and not have that one very last, final chance. His response? "Where the (bleep) are my CDs?" I was appalled. He hadn't had contact with me, his daughter in ten years, and he's STILL harping on about some delusion he had when he was drunk? I couldn't believe it. I got him off the subject, and we spoke a while. I heard about his life, and spoke little of mine. He still hates my mother, when, she raised his daughter alone, and I'm a very good person now. I work, go to college, and volunteer. He took no part in it, because he was too busy hitting the bottle. He still wants to play his games, in that, he doesn't want my mother knowing I'm speaking to him, when she was the one who told me to call him and initiate contact with him. We were supposed to meet for lunch. He had said he'd call me back in two days to finalize the plans,m depending on if he had money (he's out of work), and my phone hasn't rang. I think, it's probably a game. He's trying to show me how I made him feel. Take me to his level. So, I've decided I'll call him back, sure. I'll give him that last chance to know me. If he blows it, that's on him, and I'll be at peace knowing I did give him that final opportunity. The point is, an alcoholic is an alcoholic. No matter how much you may try to reach out, it will never work, unless that person is willing to reach back to you, and meet you 75% of the way. Otherwise, it won't work. Because you're doing all the giving and assistance, and they're just picking and choosing what to take. That's not a fair relationship to you, or the other person. It sounds to me like you're a very compassionate, caring person. And I'm sure you've been hurt time and time again by your mother's actions. But, you still love her no matter what, and therefore, want to help her, and prevent her from being taken advantage of by your brothers. The best thing to do in your situation, is not to take her into your home just yet, but to contact an interventionalist. All the people who love her, anyone who may want something to do with her, friends, children, relatives, doctors, anyone you can think of that wants to see her out of the woods, gather them up and let them write her letters. Let her know what you will and will not stand for. Then, give her an opportunity to get help. (Probably, rehab, or AA, or something of that nature) If she takes it, you know she's serious about getting the help. If she refuses it, then, you have to accept it. Hold on to the good, forgive the bad, but don't forget. Just because you're old enough to be able to not have your mother in your life doesn't mean you don't want her in your life. An addict is an addict. You can never change them, but you can only offer them the tools and support they need to get better. It's not that you can't get along with her, but it's the addiction that's tearing you and her apart. I will say a prayer for you and hope all goes well for you and her. But whatever you do, let your instinct and heart tell you what's right. It will never lead you wrong. Good luck!
hello my name is elaine, i am a recovering alchoholic. the sad part of your circumstances is that some people just can't stop ddrinking. any bottom that they hit is not low enough. what was her life like growing up? most alchoholics have very low esteem. i don't know what is up with your mom. she has choices and so do you. if it upsets you to be around her and she is not changed then you need to stay away. health wise it sounds like the booze is taking it's toll. none of this your fault, these are consequences of her own actions. please let me know what's happening. you are in my prayers.
elaine
Elaine, thank you for responding. My name is Edie, and I am a recovering alcoholic. My mother began drinking when she was 14. She stopped about 10 years ago BUT she never went to AA, therapy or anything. Basically she is a dry drunk with loads of stinking thinking! Her childhood was not pleasant or easy. Her father was an alcoholic. Her health is bad. Recently I was researching assisted living near me so I could have her closer (I live an hour away from her) I spoke with her oldest sister who agreed that it is time for my mother to be in assisted living. She said she would try to convince my mother. Well all hell broke out. I admit I have a short fuse when it comes to her and one day I was over there helping her do her bills and I needed to have her neighbor come over to find out some info and we were sitting at the kitchen table. I don't remember now what was said but it pissed me off and I threw the pencil. I apologized and thought it was over with. Wrong. A bit of background info needed here. My youngest brother is living with her, he feels that ANY money she has in the bank when she dies is his because she OWES it to him for the lousy childhood he had. He said he would live with her and I would keep track of her bills etc. A couple of weeks ago I found out that my mother went to her lawyer and told her I was trying to lock her up. Of course she doesn't really understand what assisted living is and of course her lawyer told her I couldn't do anything. So then my brother calls me and asked me where the hell I've been and blah blah blah and he ended up telling me he couldn't have me coming around there throwing pencils and putting someones eye out because he said I was too emotional and always yelling at mother. Please you should hear how he talks to her. Anyway, I realized the other day that that was his way of keeping me at bay so that Mom doesn't go into assisted living because then all her money would be gone and he wouldn't get anything! How sad. I just wanted her to be safe, taken care of and be around people her age (86) She won't talk to me.
I know you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. She's done things her way far to long to change now. Thanks again for responding.
HELLO EDIE I HAD JUST WRITTEN THIS WHOLE STORY OF MY LIFE AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS ERASED SO I MUST BE BRIEF. GOD ANSWERS ALL OUR PRAYERS BUT SOMETIMES THE ANSWER IS NO. SHE IS OLD AND ONE DAY SHE WILL NO LONGER BE HERE AT THAT POINT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN THE SAME POSITION AS I WAS AFTER MY MOM PASSED, MY BROTHER WAS A GREEDY MOTHER @#$%&@. HE CONTESTED THE WILL AND LOST, NOW HE NO LONGER HAS A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SISTER ME. NO PROBLEM. I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN NJ I NOW LIVE WITH MY TWO BOYS, 19 & 27(BLIND)IN NC. WE HAVE A CUTE HOUSE AND I AM FINE. IF SHE HAS A WILL SHE NEEDS TO HAVE AN EXECUTOR WHO I BELIEVE SHOULD BE A LAWYER. AND WHAT SHE DOES WITH HER BELONGINGS AND MONEY IS HER CHOICE NOT YOUR BROTHERS, HE SOUNDS LIKE A WEASEL. WHEN THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE DO ANOTHER FOURTH STEP AND GET THE SHIT OFF YOUR PLATE. GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I. ELAINE
Poor Edie! Talk about being between a rock and a hard spot! I think that it's about time for you to do the best you can for your mother and back away. The first thing you need to do is contact social services and advise them that your brother is neglecting her well being for his financial reasons. Explain that she is not well and not getting medical care. Make it clear that she is abusive to you and that you are NOT WILLING to assume responsibility for her, and that she would not allow it... but that you don't want her abused or neglected. Put it in writing and walk away. Your brother is going to get all that she has unless the state sells the house to provide for her care. There is nothing else you can do and this will eat your heart out if you let it. Do the only things you can do for her and get on with your life. She is never going to be June Cleaver or Donna Reed.
Call the local commission on aging and schedule a conference for advice. They can take over some of your problems for you, such as assigning a home health care worker to dig out her house and bathe her, take her to doctor appointments and arrange her medications in her daily doses. She can get a monthly government commodity box so she doesn't have to shop for basics like cheese, milk, beef and canned goods, and she can get meals on wheels delivered to her daily. They can sign her up for a clinic for her medical care, and remember that whatever money she has is hers to use for her own needs now that she is old and sick, not any of the kids'. Make sure to make a list of all her possessions and bank accounts and any insurance policies, and photograph them and give that list to a lawyer to hold until she dies. Lock the doors immediately after she dies and get yourself appointed executor of her estate so nobody can steal from her estate. All 7 kids can take turns selecting from the list of her things and then what nobody wants can be sold at auction to raise money. Her funeral should be paid out from the $300 social security money available to bury her and all kids should chip in a couple of hundred dollars to plant her and put up a stone with her name and dates on it next to her husband. She and always has been mentally ill and is eligible for mental health services. This does not mean she has to leave her house. She has the right to remain there regardless of her condition. Hire someone to check on her daily or check on her yourself briefly just to see what she needs or wants and how she is. Spread the costs between all the siblings. She can also get a summertime fresh food distribution from farmers markets worth about $50. Take her to senior events like xmas parties and give her a birthday party. Because she fussed over the white meat, bring an extra fully cooked turkey breast on the side so everybody can have some and she can't kick because you brought it. She just wanted to have some turkey breast for herself. No, she is not a good mother, because she is a drunk and selfish. She had too many children to handle herself, and was without a husband also. With 7 kids, she had virtually no chance at all to snag another husband, so give her a bit of a break on that count. She probably survived by seeing a lot of men, and hated herself for it, and that made her even more mentally ill. You all at least know how you do not want to run your lives or treat your children. You need anger management and counseling about dealing with your mother and dealing with impossible people in general. You also need personal counseling for your own life plans and development, because you did not have personal attention growing up and need to expand your personality from reactionary to stressful situations to dealing with life on your own terms instead of in reaction to a button pusher like your mother, who is and always has been out of control. I had to distance myself also, and know how painful it is to have to deal with someone who is just never going to give anyone else an even break or treat anyone decently. They live in a hell you don't want to go to or experience yourself. Your clue is that whenever you threaten abandonment, she shapes up; it is her greatest fear. But an alcoholic personality is always unstable and violent and unpredictable. No real relationship is possible due to it. Just realize that someday none of you will have her around to deal with anymore, and it sounds as if she is pretty near the end. Make sure she gets the best possible medical care right now, so she can get as comfortable as possible and live as long and healthy a life as possible. Make sure she eats right and has someone making meals for her so she eats three meals a day. Spreading the cost among seven people makes it easy for all of you. If somebody doesn't pay their share, take it out of their share of inheritance when you sell the house. Keep excellent records of everything each child pays for their mother's keep. Keep receipts with the records. Keep the records in the lawyer's office. Keep copies for yourself, and send copies to all siblings when your mother dies and her estate needs to be distributed. Put her estate through probate if she owns the house free and clear and has any money socked away or any valuable possessions. The fees are state mandated and very small for the orderly transition of the proceeds of sale and distribution of the estate. An accounting will be made by the attorney and distributed to all heirs, so people can't really fight about it or be dissatisfied. Be fair to all, take nothing extra for yourself, and be glad you were more merciful to your mother than you needed to be, and fairer to your siblings than they deserved. Your reward is self-respect and the respect of your siblings for at least taking care of the situation. Everyone should be bringing her little gifts she can use while she is still on this planet, whether she deserves them or not. She had a very hard life with seven kids and a dead husband, no matter how much she misbehaved, so just respect that she had a very hard time of things and didn't handle it well at all. Just do better for yourself and your own family. And know that there's a big hug out there and lots of sympathy for you for your situation. Stay close to God, talk to God every day and ask for direct help and intervention and advice and wisdom to do the right thing. Wait for the answers. They will come. I died once when I was ten and visited briefly. What we call God is a bright white light made up entirely of energy, and apparently we persist in pure energy form after we leave our molecular bodies, for I did. I was meet by friendly relatives and it looked just like earth, only no buildings, just grass, trees and blue sky and a yellow path leading to the bright white sunlike light that we call God. All you have to do for advice or help is meditate on problems and seek answers, and you will get an idea of what to do next. It is not fancy or complicated; it is simple. I suspect this is not supernatural or anything, just a natural scientific fact that we are unable to perceive at present. It may be proven shortly as we develop more sophisticate instruments for perceiving energy fields and activity. We apparently continue to exist with our own personality. I suddenly went back into my body, where I was being worked on for double pneumonia, in an oxygen tent in a hospital, having been revived by an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth to bring me back. I hope you try to get your advice directly, and pray for your mother's sanity and happiness and especially her health. Reassure her that you will not allow anyone to remove her from her home, and put that promise in writing and give it to her, signed by you and dated. You can have her make you her personal representative or somebody else whom she trusts not to double cross her, and you can then help her to get the medical treatment she needs without having to leave her home except for appointments. This is a trust issue, and you need to be completely trustworthy to the end and beyond. I will pray for you and your mother and your siblings. May God's benevolent energy reach out to envelope all of you and bring you all peace and a happy resolution of all your problems with her and each other. Be kind to one another and to your mother. She has suffered more than you will ever know.
It is funny how people make the choice to have children, and then treat them so poorly. I am truly sorry that anyone has to deal with these kind of things. My only advice is to remember that you cannot control her, and no matter what, you have to be the bigger person in the situation. It is really hard to do that sometimes, especially when you are being cussed at and yelled at, but you have to try really hard. Another thing to remember is to not let yourself feel guilty about not taking her in. She did this to herself, not you. Why should you have to bear that responsibility? She obviously wouldnt for you. Keep your head up and just know that they greater good is looking out for you.
HELLO EDIE HOW IS IT GOING? I HAVE READ THE LAST 2 REPLIES WHAT DO YOU THINK? AS FAR AS THE MONEY FROM SOC. SEC. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO THAT ONLY HER HUSBAND. IF SHE HAS MONEY SHE NEEDS TO PUT IT INTO AN ACCT. FOR HERSELF AND UPON HER DEATH IT IS FROZEN. SPEAK TO HER ATTY, AND LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR WHAT'S BEST FOR HER. SHE BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND IT WAS HER RESPONSIBILTY TO RAISE YOU AS BEST SHE COULD. IFFFFFFFFF SHE DOES NOT WANT ANY OF THIS OH WELL LET GO. REMEMBER IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE IT? THEN LET IT GO. IT'S EASIER SAID THEN DONE. YOU HAVE A FAMILY TO WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF I ASSUME. LET THE REST OF THE KIDS TAKE OVER FOR A WHILE. ALL OF THEM NEED TO HELP YOU OUT. LET ME KNOW HOW YOU MAKE OUT ELAINE
Alcoholism has played a major role in my life. I don't have time to tell you all the horror stories. All I can say to help you is to not give up on your mother-no matter what anyone says. As long as she is alive-there is hope. You mention your christian beliefs - have you talked to her about heaven and hell? My brother died a saved man after a lifetime of alcoholism-no one thought it would ever happen this man made the whole family's lives miserable for 30 years. But he obeyed the gospel and was baptized and was faithful for a year before he died. So, I would do as someone else on here said -take the high road and try to help her and lead her to Christ. I think that's what the Lord would want of you.
HELLO EDIE HOW'S IT GOING? PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOUR ARE. CALL A FAMILY MEETING AND IF ANYONE IS NOT NEAR YOU TO ATTEND HAVE A CONFERANCE CALL. SHE IS THEIR MOTHER TOO. WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THE SHIT AND THEY DO NOTHING. WAIT TILL SHE PASSES YOUR SIBLINGS WILL COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK. SORRY THIS IS MY SUGGESTION. LOVE E
Dear Empathy,
An hour's drive away is NOT ENOUGH DISTANCE between you and your TOXIC MOTHER... and that is EXACTLY what she is - TOXIC.
IF she EVER changes, (and at 86, I doubt she can,) it will NOT be because someone HELPED HER to.
PLEASE, PLEASE. PLEASE do the HEALTHY thing, and focus on your OWN children and grandchildren. Focus on your OWN growth and the well-being of yourself and your husband. Put your focus on the future, where it belongs.
Your family is, unfortunately, NOT unique. But YOU ARE. Do not let your potential for happiness and good get sucked into the emotionally CONFUSING, and negatively charged vortex of YOUR CHILDHOOD. That is in the past, which is EXACTLY where it should remain.
Each of us is born into a "Family of Origin," but MANY of us spend the rest of our lives looking for the parents we "COULD have/SHOULD have" had. It is not too late for you to find the mother-relationship you have always needed (but were denied) in your childhood. You clearly still long for a mother... Find her in church, a senior center near your home, or volunteering for Meals on Wheels. She might even live right next door to you... But someone out there longs for a daughter like YOU - as much as you long for a mother like HER. So look for and find the mother you long for.
But trust me, you will NOT find her where you are currently looking. The woman who bore you was NEVER a MOTHER - not to ANYONE... Not even to herself. So sad... yet true.
Above all, DO NOT open the door of the sanctuary you call HOME to someone who will defile it - as she has defiled herself, defiled ALL of her children in the past, and now is ONCE AGAIN, attempting to drag into her sick life ANYONE from whom she can elicit pity (or guilt) or even resentment. ALL she wants is ATTENTION - just as you once longed for attention from her. She doesn't care what form it takes - even NEGATIVE ATTENTION is better to her than none.
DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT! Walk away, DO NOT look back... just Rise Above.
With Empathy,
Galowa
©suzannemcable.2010
DEAR EDIE,
PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING, YOU HAVE ASKED FOR ADVICE AND YOU ARE GETTING IT.
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERANCE. AMEN
GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I, ELAINE
Hi Elaine, I am not ignoring you or any of the nice people who gave good advice. Some of the advice, like from Wendy the m got me really thinking and the one from Galowa brought tears (not bad tears really) and it clicked in my stubborn little brain! I got sucked back into my mother's world because I was vulnerable. I started seeing my mother again just before my sister died of breast cancer. After she died I moved into her house to help my brother in law (they had been married for 35 years!) Then my younger brother moved in with us for a short time and we began going to mothers. Prior to all this, I spent many years in therapy dealing with issues of my childhood, learning coping skills, learning to love myself and always striving to be a good person. I made amends to everyone I hurt during my drinking days. I’ve been sober since 1982. I love and cherish my children and grandchildren. And they still want to come over and spend the night, playing board games, watch movies and they are 21, 18, 18, 16 and 4. I need to clarify that I have been divorced from an alcoholic for geez over 30 years. I broke from my mother long time ago but like I said I had just lost my only sister and the old tape began to play and thoughts of my sister played another tape for me and before ya knew it I was back into saver mode once again, thinking, “this time it’ll be different.” The best thing I can do for my mother is pray for her and gently put her in Gods hands. I have taken her to bingo and to places she wants to go. I have gotten meals on wheels to go to her and she cussed them out and told them to never come back. I have brought in someone to help with her bathing and hair, she cusses them out and tells them not to come back. I have cleaned her house only to get told by other relatives that she is accusing me of stealing her money, stuff etc. I know this is due to her mental condition.
I know that we are suppose to honor thy mother and thy father but I believe God will forgive me for walking away from her. I forgave her long time ago but it doesn’t mean I have to remain in her life and be abused. If there are people out there who can calmly deal with people such as my mother then I’m happy for them but for me but, those people should not judge me harshly for not wanting to deal with it or suggest “ You need anger management and counseling about dealing with your mother and dealing with impossible people in general.” I’ve had enough abuse from her and the man she claimed was my father (whole different story there) . To love myself means I have to take care of me and to do that I can not be in her world. I am doing great.
I was going to email you Elaine but I don’t have your address. J Thank you everyone for caring enough to read and respond.
I can relate a bit I have anger with my parents unresolved anger. They weren't as bad as you described. I think you should not worry about what the bible says and stop trying to be a saint. I'd say tell her that you hated her all your life for ignoring you when you were little tell her she was a rotten mom, a lousy human being that every time you look at her that you want to barf and you do not understand why anyone tolerates her at all. Or you could beat her senseless with the turkey call her the worst thing you can think of to call a woman and then get yourself a taser and use it every time she acts rotten towards you. Or pick up a stick and threaten to hit her. Hand the grand kids the taser and tell them every time gran calls them a vile name just hit the button aiming for the mid body. Or buy them each cans of mace to use on grans. Or you could threaten to cut her throat while she sleeps. At any rate I'd say have Thanksgiving somewhere else like the K&S cafeteria. Or you could host it instead inviting everyone except her. Do you want your kids growing up talking like that? Probably not. So hold your own turkey day bash why do you need her turkey or to see her anymore? You've tried to reconsile and it didn't work. Why do you think it will be any different the next time?
Stop trying to be a saint. Stop believing your mom will suddenly turn into June Cleaver. Admit the truth, realize she will never change and you cannot force her to love you. She had no right to do that to you any of it. Anger shoved down inside you blows up like C4. Anger recognized can be managed properly. None of us are perfect. Not even christians we all mess up in one way or another at one point in our lives. I don't hold it against you that you are hurting I do not think God does either.
I think you need to get to alanon a group for people who have family members that drink too much alcohol. You cannot save her you can only save your own family. She strikes me as a controlling type so excluding her from Turkey day festivities and inviting the rest of your clan to eat it together leaving her out will send a message that she isn't going to ruin any happiness you might find as a family. If she is that violent then getting her arrested is probably a good idea. She'll blow it in court either they'll think she is crazy or the jury won't like her. Parents are supposed to make certain younglings are safe, have enough to eat, learn things that help them to survive on their own and at least teach them to be responsible for things. They do NOT leave children without supervision, they do NOT beat on them out of frustration and they do NOT call them filthy names. She cared more about her next fix than her kids and then blamed you for the whole thing when it wasn't your fault you got every reason there is to be angry with her. Have every reason to keep your children away from this woman because you as a parent are supposed to protect them.
Also the part of the bible you didn't read was Sodom and Gammora. Or the flood involving Noah, then what God did to Joana. God got angry Christ lost his temper and flipped tables in the temple. So we ourselves have every right to be angry. For the right reasons to the right degree. What's fueling your anger and hurt is that if you do everything right your mom should love you. What if she is not capable of loving anyone? She had 7 kids and she abused them. This isn't going to be a story book ending and you know it. Not with her involved so set up your own Turkey day. Take charge and take the power to abuse from her by excluding her from thanksgiving. Inviting friends and family members you like and have a good relationship with. When she becomes nice after you use profanity she is conditioning you to deal with her in that manner and if you do not want to be using that language then stop seeing her. None of this is your fault but what you do with your life is your responsibility. You need to tell her to get her pathetic self to AA or you don't want nothing further to do with her and that the state took better care of you than she did. That she was a lousy mom a pathetic person that she is nothing to you and mean it. That you think she deserves to be ground into dog food but you honestly do not think she'd make good dog food either. That she wouldn't make good fertilizer either grounding her up and spreading her on a field would probably kill the plants. You didn't like what she did so she's old now is you chance to get creative and tell her she's worthless keep blasting her with the worst things you can think to say to her keep going pick on things like. Women are sensative about losing their looks or being fat so you concentrate on those two things or anything else you can think of and make her cry and keep saying rotten things to her to hurt her.
Or there are other ways water boarding her would probably work. Just keep dunking her and telling her remember this remember that and that you want an apology yet I'd say it would not be intelligent you are better off psychologically abusing her. You know how she taught you by doing it to you for a long time. Turn about is fair play. That's what you need to do get good an angry with her and push the guilt away don't let it push you into a mistake. How many times have you cried yourself to sleep because you thought it was somehow your fault that she did not love you? How many times have you felt worthless and wanted to take your own life? How many times have you gone under in the sea of despair because of something she did to hurt you?
You are dealing with a pred. Alcoholism is not her only problem she's one that delights in inflicting pain on others weaker or smaller than they are because it makes them feel better about themselves. Imagine yourself as a little kid and sit across from them face to face asking them about things that happened to them. You may eel a little foolish yet it works. Let them tell what it felt like to have that happen to them and deal with them like you wished someone would have handled you as a kid or the way suits your style. When I did this I didn't imagine myself holding the kid in my arms because it didn't seem like something I'd do. You've got to deal with your ghosts they don't go away when you grow up don't go away when you leave. The hurt and the conflicting beliefs haunt you until you decide how to resolve them. The way I found is to talk to that scared kid as an adult the way you handle it that feels comfortable for you. Allow yourself to get angry, to mourn, to weep for that kid to let it all out and then pray. It may sound crazy but it worked when I had this problem. It's worth a try then that kid who is confused will know that you are trying to take care of them. Main message to give to that kid is it's not their fault they had a crummy mom. When you were little think what you'd want an adult to do for you after that woman was terrible to you and become that person you wish was there as a kid. Running away doesn't work you have to take all those unresolved feelings with you. That's what I mean about the ghosts that haunt all abuse survivors. They are broken bits of self strewn about the floor when the abuse smashed your personality and made you confused about your identity. She had no right to do that to any of you at all. Think on that. Some anger is warranted even healthy but do not let it make you do anything you'll come to regret. Think on what is right for you and yours and throw the emotional vandal out of your life entirely. She need not affect you forever.
Preds want that to control people beyond the grave. Preds aren't people and they are worse than animals. So you have to get in their face pretend it isn't your relative that did this. Decide she is not a part of your family.
You have a Jeckel Hyde problem. It's often that children of alcoholics think they have to tolerate Mr Hyde to get to Dr. Jeckel yet you don't at all. People who have a problem with bottle are unpredictable one day they are nice the other day they are mean as a pit viper and twice as poisonous so you never feel safe as a kid that is something that won't go away most likely. That is why you want your mom to change you are longing for order and safety and you've been longing for that all your life no one provided it and that kind of hunger doesn't go away. Stop looking for it with her she doesn't have it. It's you that is going to have to create it for your family and yourself.
when i was 18 my mother died of alcahol. i am now 42 and not a day has gone by that i wish we had at least done something to help her. be careful what u wish for...
HELLO EDIE, EVERYONE HAS GIVEN YOU WONDERFUL ADVICE. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MAKES CHOICES, I TRY TO GO WITH MY GUT. YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT AA IS A SELFISH PROGRAM. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR COMFORTABILITY. I HAVE BEEN WOE IS ME ABOUT JOHN, HE IS NOT COMING BACK AND I DON'T WANT HIM. NOW JUST TELL MY HEART THAT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS.
LOVE YOU AND LOVE FROM GOD, ELAINE
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!! THAT WAS THE WORST ADVICE I HAVE EVER HEARD. I AM TALKING ABOUT ORIEN2. IN MY OPINION YOU HAVE MADE A CHOICE TO CARE FOR HER AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. CONTACT HER ATTORNEY AND LET HIM KNOW YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT HER CARE AND MONEY AND MAKE SURE HER LAWYER IS NOTIFIED THAT SHE HAS PASSED. AND THEN JUST SIT BY AND WATCH YOUR SIBLINGS COME OUT AND SHOW THEIR REAL PERSONALITIES.
LOVE YOU, ELAINE
What is a "pred?" I've never heard of it before? Also who said AA is selfish? Just trying to follow the many "trains of thought."
A pred is a person who preys on people's vulnerabilities and fears to gain control over them. They have little or no regard for the rights or safety of others or their needs or desires and they suck the life out of people as well.
I have this problem with my grandma she has food enough for her and I try to eat the food I fix for myself and she wants a piece of it all the time so I have to smuggle in food or raid the fridge after she goes to sleep finally to get anything. Everytime I try to ignore her I've thrown up because she never lets up so I stay up here to get enough nurishment to survive this at all. So that's why I ignore her for the most part. No one cares what I go through or have gone through for the last four years so I've decided that I give up I'm going to simply try to survive this whole thing get well and leave. I tried to leave several times but it didn't work out so I'm trapped here with someone I never wanted anything to do with to begin with. She was always angry and mean when I was growing up but to other people should have known she would turn on me eventually and that she would get everyone to side with her. I got out of the way so she would pick someone else but everyone else is well insulated I'm not so I become a target for her rage. She can control it when she chooses to.
In my case she doesn't choose to so I choose to simply ignore her entirely. Right no one cares it's ok I know that well enough. It's a mistake for me to need or trust anyone and I'd be better off forgetting about it until it's over entirely since no one is going to do anything about this so I'm on my own dealing with it. Thanks alot and I'll probably be quitting this group pretty soon. I can see I'm better off without it and it is a waste of my time.
I'm not getting any money at all out of this so why should I care? I lost my job because of her stupid behavior and neediness so I decided if I'm not getting paid for anything and no one appreciates it either then why do it? I tried moving on several times and nothing worked out no matter how hard I tried to make it happen it didn't. This isn't working out either so I'm thinking that I'm better off without this whole thing. I'm better off forgetting about this whole place finding my way through this on my own. Without any counselling, help or support of any kind from anyone until it's over. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing add stuff when necessary if things need to be adjusted then I'll just figure it out and survive this without any help or "support" at all. I should have known this was an elder worship group rather than an elder care giver's support group. I'm done wasting my time on a complete joke so I'm just going to get out of here and I'll be deleting all notifications of posts entirely. So do not bother responding to anything else. I'm done with this entirely.
Forgot to say this is to Orien2
I doubt you will get this but I'm going to give it a try. First of all, I, personally, did not see anything saying you were having a problem with your grandmother. Thank goodness someone made the comment of not knowing what a pred was and now reading your response I understand now why I felt anger from your response to my post. I don't believe anything is hopeless. It takes alot of effort but you CAN walk away from your grandmother. This is NOT an "elder worship" group. It's about people listening and offering suggestions to help. I really don't have that kind of anger towards my mother. I spent many months going to therapy and working through issues. In AA there is a prayer,"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Only you have the power to change your situation.
When I had first read your post to my situation, I was stunned at how much anger came through the message. I had decided to not respond to the anger but instead pray for you. I decided that if there was something God wanted me to say He would let me know. And what do you know, you said what is really bothering you. I do not know everything, I do not have a magic wand to make your life better but I know what helped me and that was going to therapy and talking, talking, talking. When I first began therapy I didn't have a job but in my state I was able to get help very cheap or for no charge. Then when I went to work I had health insurance. Check for free or based on what you can pay mental health help through your state and county. Another thing I know is God does not make junk and He wants us to be happy. You do not have to live like this. I will continue to pray for you. I will pray that God gives you the strength and courage to seek help, walk away and begin to feel good about yourself. It only takes one step to change your life if you really want to change it.
I SAID AA IS A SELFISH PROGRAM, YOU HAVE TO WORK ON YOUR SOBRIETY FOR YOURSELF, NOT FOR YOUR PARENTS, FAMILY SIBLINGS OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR YOU AND IF YOU HAVE BEEN IN AA YOU TAKE STEPS EACH DAY FOR THAT IS ALL WE HAVE IS TODAY. WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN YOUR PAST, OR FUTURE IS NOT IMPORTANT AND YOU NEED TO SHOW YOUR FAMILY BY YOUR ACTIONS THAT YOU ARE GETTING BETTER.
I too was raised with an alcoholic mother. She was actually drunk while giving birth to me. She became an alcoholic after my sister was born (and died 3 hours later). She was born 4 years before me. Anyway, Growing up with her,I thought I hated her. I couldn't stand being in the same room with her. In 1986,I was married to a man and had our 1st child,a son, whom died 6 weeks later of crib death. That was 5 months after they buried my grandmother. In 1988 my mother past away because of all her drinking. I realized the week before her death,that I loved this woman and I told her this while she was in a coma(which she was the whole 6 weeks she was in the hospital). I still to this day, think she heard me. I told her that I forgave her and that I hoped she could forgive me. The next day I went to see her, it was the scariest thing I ever saw and if there had been an alcoholic there to see her, they would have given up drinking. I won't go into details.I walked to her side and told her that it was time for her to let go and that we would be ok. As I walked out the door she died. I just thought I would share my story.I think everything happens for a reason. My mother being an alcoholic,my son dying,my grandmother,everything is for a reason and I think it has made me a stronger and more careing person and I hope ithas done the same for you.
As a recovering alcoholic I have treated my family terribly in the past. I have tried to make amends and move on to show my love and care to those in needs. She is hurting and you need to protect yourself emotionally. What has happened in the past is just that, PAST. Go to a al-anon meeting to learn how to handle this situation and take care of yourself. I strongly reccomend al-anon to those who have loved ones trapped in the disease of addiction. You cannot change others, only yourself. Love and light
HEY EDIE HOW ARE YOU? WELL YOU HAVE RECEIVED SOME GOOD ADVICE. AND IF I WERE YOU I WOULD TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND LEAVE THE REST. WE ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES THAT HAVE GROWN UP WITH PARENTS ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL. EVERYONE HAS A STORY AND AN OPINION. OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES EVERYONE HAS ONE. SO PICK AND CHOOSE WISELY. EDIE I DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU GOING BACK TO HELP YOUR MOTHER IS A MISTAKE AND IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT. YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHT EVERY DAY EDIE. HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING MY EMAILS? ONCE YOU MAKE A DECISION DON'T LOOK BACK. TAKE CARE, ELAINE
Is your mom still living at this point? Alcoholics and Addicts are difficult to deal with. I am so sorry you and your siblings went through all this. My brother and his wife did the same thing to their kids. They are screwed up from it and I'm sure their children will be screwed up. It goes on and on and never seems to stop. I cannot help my brothers now ex-wife and I don't think I can help my brother either. They don't know the truth if it hit them in the teeth. However, you have a compassion for your mom in her old age. She is probably bi-polar to add to the mix.
See a counselor, get some support and then go from there. My heart goes out to you and yours.
It sounds like you have major denial about your mother.
You keep trying to "change" her and she's quite elderly - and has been a nasty, conflict seeking person her entire life. You stated she refused help from everyone, including medical care. What would be accomplished if you took her into your house? She would be abusive towards you and refuse help.
Don't let her push a guilt trip on you. What about that selfish brother who wants all her money? Why not use that money for her to live in a board and care home for seniors. I'm sure she is eligible for Medicare and they will pay 100% for her to live in a seniors home. Sounds like she needs round the clock medical care - but refuses it and is not suitable for independent living. She's dirty, and slovenly with her house - so she can't live alone. She belongs in a long term care facility. She's got psychiatric problems.
Don't get sucked into helping her.
You said she doesn't WANT help from anyone - so why do you keep on letting her manipulate you?
she has no friends, no interests, no hobbies. Just because she is your mother, you don't "owe" her anything. If she lost custody of you at 14 that speaks for itself.
I'm curious why you continued to keep in touch with her your entire life, even though Child Protective Services took you out of the home and placed you elsewhere. If you were adopted, then stick with those adoptive relatives. Instead of trying to think she will "change" why not accept the fact she will always stay the way she is and continue to be abusive if you have contact with her.
HELLO EDIE,
HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF A 3RD AND 4TH STEP. AND THEN YOU ASK YOURSELF IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE IT? IF SO TRY TO CHANGE IT, IF NOT LET IT GO. IT IS REALLY SIMPLE WHEN PUT THAT WAY. REMEMBER YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR YOU.
GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I, ELAINE
I also grew up with an alcoholic, only mine was my Father, so I totally understand what you're going through. And the best advice I can give you, is whether she wants to go or not, you really need to find a decent Nursing Home to put her in, so she will be cared for. Since your Siblings don't seem to want to do thier part in taking care of her. Not that I blame them, or you, if she is that mean and nasty, I wouldn't want to deal with trying to take care of her either. However, you can't just let her waste away and die in that house. After all, she is still your Mother, and you know as well as I do, if that happened, you would carry that guilt around with you for the rest of your life. Do Not give her that kind of power to do that to you. In a nursing home she will be taken care of by people who are getting Paid to take care of people like her. And who knows she may eventually end up like being in a place where she has interaction with other people in her age group, and situation. And she'll have Dr's that come to her, to make sure she is getting the medical attention she needs. And as long as she is on Medicare, and Medicaid, there will be no expense to you and your siblings except for clothes. The Nursing Home will give her a monthly allotment, usually around $50 for her to spend on things she wants, like candy, pastries, newspaper, and magazine subscriptions. If she's a smoker, you will have to get those for her. Trust me, this is what I did with my Dad, and his last years were much more productive , and enjoyable for him, and all of us. Believe it or not, he even started going to the Church services they offered there, and got himself Right with the Lord, which was a blessing for me, because now I feel sure he is in Heaven with my Mother. Just make sure you go visit her as often as possible, and if she starts cussing, and badgering you, let her know you will not tolerate it, and walk out. Hopefully after a few times of you walking out on her, she'll stop doing it. If not, let her know that you do not, and will not take her abuse any longer, and all your trying to do is take care of her the only way you know how. Do yourself a favor, you deserve it. I'll keep you in my Prayers. Good Luck
Dear sufferer,
Hello! I see that you have already received some good 'suggestions', here and there. I am preying for you as I write this as I know the frustration of beating a dead horse, as well as, bewilderment, anger, horror, fear and anxiety of abondemnet, addictions, chronic emotional trauma... I suggest that you get counseling for you, and for her in a nursing home type environment. Your mother needs (people) for her mental health in addition to counseling, I know that that will give her some peace she desperately needs in her last days. Work with the professionals, therapise, counselor, Psychologists, nursing homes, even coutny! Above all, you are most important to get healthy for you own family. Your responsibility is to STOP perpetuating THIS. You have started, by using language and behavior, you yourself despise to mimic her beahvior!! That, you do not want, as you noticed. Get professional help, and know that you are not the first or the last person to go through this, but don't do this alone. Admit that you can't handle it by yourself. Let Go and Let God! MOST impotatntly, STOP looking for her to give you what she does NOT have, unless, of course, she gets into spiritual recovery, for herself first. It's a horse that has been dead for a very long time! Again, she is a very sick person, emotionally, and you are her daughter who will get get better. "Hurt people hurt people", don't expect love from a hurt person.
Love and hugs, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
While my mother didn't suffer with alcoholism, she was a passive agressive personality. Pitting my four sisters and I against one another, constantly telling us how "no good" we were, how she ruined her life having us,and on and on it went. We all were victims of her mental illness, leaving us all with scars of our own. After my father passed away, she went on a buying hoarding spree, getting everything she was denied by having children and a controlling husband. To the point none of us were allowed in the house, as she accused us of stealing her things, but the reality of it was her hoarding had completely filled her house, and only path ways remained. On occasions when she needed something she would let us in, to replace the fridge or some other major problem, flooded basement, once we went there to find she had no heat in Jan.she had sent the bill back with a note on the outside saying no thank you. This was told to us by the gas co. who had repeatly tried to contact her with an assitance plan. she only let us in so much, she would berate us for making her life so misserable and if we were "good children" we would understand why she needed all the things and just mind our own buisness. Meanwhile on visits we'd hear from the neighbors and relatives how no one calls or visits, no one came to see her for christmas, how none of us have time for her. In trying to deal with her hoarding problems it became evident dementia was setting in,her mother suffered from alzheimers as did her younger sister. We went the route of meals on wheels (she just saved all the meals in the fridge.)she had thousands of those take out food containers. We had someone in to make sure she took her medications, arranged rides to and from activities and doctors appt.Had her lawn mowed etc. But it became apparent she could no longer take care of herself, she was sleeping in a chair at nite, as the bed(s) were totally covered in mounds of "things she always wanted", as was the rest of the house. The show hoarders gives a real picture of how these people live. With filth,pet crap throughout the house, kitchen counters with bugs, mouse poop too extreme for words! But, she wouldn't admit she needed help, she just insisted we wanted to steal her things and wanted her money. Of which she had none, in just a few years she was able to spend over $60,000.00 on " Things she always wanted" I am very fortunate that after all the years of our mothers efforts to tear us apart, we sisters stayed close, probably closer than we would of otherwise. It came to a point we had to contact the police and make them aware of her mental state and that their were people to contact in case of emergency. After not hearing from her for days, (her phone had been disconnected)I drove two hours away to find her slumped in a chair heaving, she was severly dehydrated. I had to call 911, she had to be helped outside to get on the stretcher, as their wasen't enough room to get it into the house. After that it was pretty much taken out of our hands, as the doctors evaluated her mental condition and deemed her incompetant. She is now in assisted living and after so many years of being bitter she is now in a happy place, she has friends, eveyone accepts her. She doesn't know how much of a struggle it was to watch our childhood home have 7 rolloff dumpsters taken out of the house, and then to see it auctioned off to pay for her care, medicare will only pay when she requires a total care facility . The women who put us all through so much, now has no memory, all the tears at her hands. She doesn't know what year it is. So I guess what I wanted to say, is you do the best you can, do the right thing by your mother, siblings, children, but, mostly do right by yourself. I feel bad to this day that the last time my mother saw her home of 60 plus years was from a call I made, but, I know it was the only thing I could of done. Stop beating yourself up, call senior services and let them evaluate the situation. Keeping her in her home is not always the best thing for anyone!
HELLO EDIE, I HOPE YOU ARE WELL. I AM DEALING WITH PAIN IN EVERY JOINT ON MY BODY, I AM MISS FIBROMYALGIA FOR THE MONTH OF APRIL. YOU ARE GETTING SO MUCH ADVICE. I AM GLAD BECAUSE THIS IS ALSO A WAY FOR THEM TO VENT ALSO.
TAKE WHAT YOU NEED LEAVE THE REST.
GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I, ELAINE
I admit I was pissed and couldn't deal with it so I left. That thing you describe as passive aggression describes what is going on here. She set us on each other all the time. I've just broken off relationships with people she was using in that manner. It's not just guilt tripping she's gotten people on her side with manipulation and one physical altercation that was serious has erupted without warning. So when someone has that reaction to what I decided to do to protect myself from being emotionally bullied by a woman or manipulated I decide they are on the side of the people who have been making everything so terrible and just toss them as well to prevent the individual in question from using them to hurt me. Since you put no store in what the people who believe her say using them doesn't work anymore for the person. They can create strife in other ways but it isn't as devastating and those cut relationships can usually be repaired after the abuser is dead or out of the picture. Otherwise it escalates and you end up playing their game their way everyone does. They are just too good at fighting dirty and using people. So if you don't want to fight a battle you cannot win then take the other person's amo or stay out of the way until they realize it isn't going to work. That you aren't going to buy the act they use to lure you into that situation again. That the nice person they pretend to be doesn't exist. My parent have the authority to put her into a home and I don't. She is polite and cooperative for the most part with them but is terrible with me because she knows she can get away with it. Since they do not care what she does to me. So that is why I just have minimal contact with her hoping that what is stored inside her will finally explode all over them and they'll have no other option but to do something about it. Yet she's been using them to get at me and I picked up on it and cut off that route entirely without telling her it was cut or any of the people involved that it was cut so she wouldn't know to get someone else to try it or be allowed to influence anyone I know and trust until the crisis ends. Since if she has no actual contact with anyone I know then I can stop it from spreading to other areas in my life and once she's gone I can try to rebuild those relationships or once I get out of here and establish a safe zone. I tried to at the hotel but it didn't work. I tried to get a place of my own but my mom messed it up. I told her if the next time I try to get property it fails because of her I'll haul her into court and get her for false arrest claim as much as possible and do what I want to anyway. Either she let's me make my own decisions willingly or I'll just drag her into court sue her and take everything from her. She called me about 5 times per day while I was in the hotel to get better and deal with my problems and I told her I didn't want nothing to do with her at all. After the violent altercation I told her she disgusted me altogether. I figured if I never had anything further to do with this didn't think about it or talk about it then I could pretend it didn't matter or wasn't an issue. Keep it locked never let her find out how many hits I've taking or that or the anguish her behavior has caused since if she doesn't know it's getting to me she'll try something else and I'll figure out her pattern since she'll throw every last dirty trick she has to try to get me and I'll know it's a lie all of it and I'll have a better map of her behavior be able to analyse that and I'll recognize it when someone tries again. If you are fighting someone and you know what they are after know what weapons they have and know what they are likely to do then that is better than walking in there blind. Also if no one knows what you are going to do to them. It disorients the enemy's coordination for long enough to provide you with options and better ones. Since in passive agressive people emotions are used as weapons so you take your emotions off the tray and the manipulator won't know what to do for the most part except to use someone they think can get a reaction out of you. So it's basically war. I figured dementia would rob her of the ability to do this sort of thing but it didn't work that way. Then someone started in on me here and I was just tired of it so I left. Just figuring doing what I was doing which was to keep it a secret from everyone would be better than taking a bunch of garbage off a silly fool in a group of people I probably didn't have anything in common with any way. I think the dementia has made an improvement in her. I wish she would lose the rest of her mind that way they'd stick her in a nursing home or she'd just die. The latter would be better in my opinion because then it would stop all of this junk perminantly. Well I tossed the garbage and marked the offending post as inappropriate. If anyone does that again I'll do the same thing and if that person gets really awful or tries anything else I know how to deal with people who try anything. I'll take delight in doing so.
A number of times I've had to ditch entire groups as a result of this sort of thing. As result of people taking the side of the person attacking me sometimes they would rationalize that person's behavior, other times they'd push the sympathy button or try or other times they'd defend the horrible person attacking me. So I figured out which button they were trying to hit and what they were using as well as what they expected me to do and decided to nip the whole thing in the bud and left them with that person I didn't want anything to do with just cut the bond with that person entirely and in some cases it was perminant especially when it wasn't mandatory that I be involved with that group or I wasn't getting paid for it. I'd stay put in groups where I was getting paid until I found something else and then leave once I was absolutely certain I could get a different job when I had a solid offer then I'd tell the person I had a problem with that they sucked or not given the circumstances or just give notice and split. I believe I'm wise for deciding I do not want anything to do with people like that.
If you knew a car salesperson was trying to sell you a bad car or your cousin told you that he was dishonest then it'd be awful foolish to buy a car from such a person. Or you looked around the lot and decided it was poorly managed and the customers were not being treated with courtasy and professionalism then you'd decide wisely to go somewhere else to avoid a bad deal or at least have what you were considering examined by a reputable expert. If you were at a poker game and you saw someone cheat told someone in charge what you thought you saw and they didn't investigate or take it seriously then you'd be a fool to play cards with that person anymore or at that place anymore. Yet if the card house decided to question that individual or search them or both or watch him then that would mean they were trying to make certain things were done honestly as possible which would mean you could trust them for the most part since they ran a clean house. In relationships it's alot like gambling or buying a car. My grandma is just a lemon and my parents are like the dishonest car sales folks or two card house managers who I told about the cheater and they are trying to keep me playing cards with this person I've decided was completely dishonest and dishonorable so I refuse to play the game or deal with the lemon they keep trying to "sell" me. I'm just stuck sitting in that area but decided not to play "cards" with her or anyone in there and refused to "buy" the lemon either. It's like playing the slots they program the thing to give a big pay off at first or maybe not who knows and you keep feeding it credits and they end up taking more off you than you won and that is actually how casinos make their money. Alot of relationships are just like that. You keep waiting for the big pay off but it never happens instead you end up losing your shirt. Some relationships there is a foundation of mutual respect and those are usually the best. Yet one person like my grandma can upset the balance and have everyone at each other's throats. The only way to stop it is to stop. You know walk out of the card house or walk off the yard. Yet with a dedicated manipulator they are adept at preventing people from leaving them entirely. They need their manipulation fix like an alcoholic needs their alcohol before they recognize they have a serious problem and do something about it. Yet most alcoholics who are upfront with themselves are healthier than love junkies like my grandma and they make everyone around them sick as well. The victims are either poisoned against everyone around them or they think it is their fault somehow. I think the people who have ecided not to buy it are healthier than the ones who think it is their fault this happens and have decided not participate in this sort of thing and not let anyone drag them back into this whole thing. At least they do not expect anything from this other than to be cheated by a liar and a manipulative piece of trash. It's a hard way to deal with it and the manipulator will do anything to keep the game going because it gives them power. Yet the damage from the poisoning cannot be repaired until the thing that poisoned you is gone and you should not attempt to repair relationships until this stops. You'll think it has stopped before this happened a number of times but it normally doesn't last they are just figuring what else they can get away with doing to you. The attacks are subtle so people are going to accuse you of being over sensative for the most part and that is one of the things they use to their advantage to get away with it also isolation is another thing they use to get you that they figure if they take everything you will have nothing and that you will love them because they think destroying everything will leave only them in line for love and attention. Yet what she didn't count on is my experience with this and that I caught her but haven't told her who did or how I marked her or my parents.
She keeps pushing the same buttons not knowing why it doesn't work or different ones but it still doesn't work no matter which buttons she presses it's a no go it's just not going to open for anyone she can influence until she is gone. Possibly the people she used to get at me after her tricks failed to bring any results will be locked out altogether in the same manner perminantly even after her death they did try to sell me a lemon after all and they did allow someone to cheat me so that means they are cheats themselves. Since they see a reason for me to continue to have anything to do with a lying piece of trash after I said I had no interest in playing with a liar and a cheat so that means they are scum as well. Yet I'll decide that after she is gone.
There is no such thing as "some people are just like that!" There is always a cause for dysfunctional behavior, it just takes time and a whole, whole, WHOLE lot of patience to uncover the roots of someone's dysfunction sometimes (the Bible calls it "longsuffering"),and an enormous amount of love.
The old saying "hurting people hurt other people" is a valid truth that people often overlook, when they see others acting out. But unless there is an emotional problem such as mental retardation, manic depression or other form of mental illness, the right thing to do is to assume that the individual doing the acting out is in tremendous, emotional pain.
No one wakes up one morning and decides: "hummm, let's see....I think I'll start drinking and become an alcoholic." Or a drug addict. Or a prostitute. Or any of the other dysfunctional behaviors that we see destroying our society. The average, human being has a lot of emotional bruises, scars and wounds that more often than not, can be traced back to a wounded parent-child relationship. (If you knew or could find out or can hazard a guess at the relationship your Mom had with her parents, you can probably pinpoint where the fissure in her spirit and heart began, and deduce from there how she ended up in the state that she is in now).
I know that I've said it in this forum before, and I'll keep saying it until God calls me home: Most parents were taught to believe that love is providing a roof, food, clothes and education for their children. While all of that is necessary and does speak to parental caring, giving those things alone leaves a child with EMOTIONAL abandonment issues. And emotional absence is just as damaging and just as painful as physical abandonment.
Also, unless your Mom (or another family member) is honest and open enough to talk, your Mom may be hiding sexual, physical or mental abuse from her childhood or, her past. No matter how many times I counsel people, it always stuns me to hear them say: "that's not possible....I know all about them!"
The old folk have a saying: "heap see....but few know." I always relate the story of a man in our neighborhood, who appeared the epitome of kindness. Portly, handsome, beautiful wife, handsome son, elegant home and a well manicured yard. They were not wealthy by any means, but certainly well off. My parents (who were poor) admired the Gibson family, as we all did.
One day, Mrs. Gibson asked my mother if I could go to the store for her. Always the gracious neighbor, my mother agreed. I was excited about seeing the inside of a "nice" house, up close and personal. But when Mrs. Gibson went upstairs to retrieve money for my shopping, Mr. Gibson proceeded to fondle me, while trying to guide my hands into his zipper. I was shocked, and terrified. I'd only heard (in secret whispers) about men like him, but now I was the victim of one! After that, Mr. Gibson found numerous tricks to get my Mother to let me come over. Always, it was the same routine - him groping and feeling me up, and me feeling dirty, guilty and nasty.
I never told my Mother. She already had me branded as a liar, since I'd fabricated other stories when I was younger. Plus, Mr. and Mrs. Gibson were "nice" people! The shame and the fear from that incident only intensified as I grew older. Eventually, I was molested by my pastor. And had it not been for true Believers who have 'spiritual insight' and saw in dreams and visions, what the pastor was doing to me, I would have carried the guilt and shame of what my pastor had done to me probably for a lifetime, also!
My point is, no one ever knew about Mr. Gibson. No one ever knew about another male, family member who molested me. Constantly. No one ever knew about the women who began molesting me. I only got help and healing when the Prophets of my church, saw what my pastor was doing, and reached out to me. They helped me as far along as they could, and afterward, I began reaching out for more help on my own, by the grace of God.
Heap see....but few know. The people who are encouraging you to abandon your mother....forget about her...focus on your own family can speak with ease because they're not wearing your shoes. And while I agree that change may be extremely difficult for your Mom, due to her age, I am a firm Believer that there is NO sickness or heartache, that doesn't respond to consistent, steadfast, unfailing love. While your Mom may never be the Mother that you would like to have, you can help her to live out the rest of her life with some sense of decency and dignity if you seek out the right kind of help from the right sources.
Think long and hard (and if you believe in prayer) pray even harder, about which way you should go and what steps you should take. I am a living witness that God does answer the sincere, earnest cry of those who put their confidence in Him! Just give Him one more chance!
And whatever decision you make, you will know that it’s the right one if you have peace in your heart, once you have resolved to move forward with it.
Praying for you.
Wow Orien I have spent the last hour reading all the posts and I have not seen anyone get on you as a matter of fact what I have seen is a lot of caring patient people letting you vent for some very, very, long posts, and then reach out to you trying to share their experience strength & hope w/you. I think you have so many issues that I wonder how you can help a family member when it is clear that you my dear are in need of some very heavy counseling yourself. All the posts about the Lord are great but it takes more than just praying. God is not going to beam down and do the footwork for you So prayer yes but then action is needed. There is a story about a man who was on his roof cause of a flood. He prayed for God's help, a man in a boat came by and said get in, he said oh no I prayed God is going to help, the water kept rising a plane comes by, get in before you drown, oh no I prayed God is going to help. Well the man died and when he got to heaven he said God why did you forsake me? God said well what did you want I sent you a boat and a plane. Peace
It's worse she's gotten terrible. I swear to god I threatened to smack the mess out of her today thought about picking up my bat and threatening the woman with it. The day before was crazy.
I thought this was so funny. There was a tiny garter snake anyway she hates snakes so she freaked out completely. It turned out not to be a large grandma swallowing python or an anaconda. Well we picked it up with a rake the snake seemed confused and ended up going airborne for a while. We finally relocate the snake and things calm down and today I just lose my temper. I'm really frustrated. I'm thinking of getting a snake for a pet she might die from fright. She admitted she got everyone to do what she wanted them to eventually and acted as though it was my problem I could not stand her and said she was punishing me for my father and I want to punish her until she begs to die. I told her I didn't care about being arrested it would be worth it to get to pound on her to teach her some respect. My parents won't do anything about her bad behavior and I have nothing to use other than these kind of threats to get her to behave.
Well maybe some people are like that is harsh according to some. Yet if they do not want to change their bbehavior then there is really nothing you can do about it other than deciding that you are stop buying into their games. Which is technically what I've done. At some point you gotta decide this person is bad for my piece of mind, mental health and well being. I've been telling them take her to a psychiatrist a psychiatrist could get to the bottom of this maybe and give us good advice. Is it medical, is it emotional, is it chemical is it related to problems in cognition, is it abuse related. Take her to someone who understands what is actually going on knows if medication would help or what to do with this person. My psychiatrist worked at the state hospital so he'd recognize this sort of thing faster than I would. He qualifies as an expert we may need her declared insane he'd be better to do that than anyone. At some point you gotta say this person is not going to change doesn't want to and draw the line. Anything else would be completely irresponsible and dangerous to everyone. If a person came in your house and started cursing was snorting cocaine to and was out of control and you had a ten year old asleep and it was a school night and after 10 o'clock and you could not get that person to stop then the responsible thing would be to call the cops and have them removed from your house.
I'm against allowing behavior at the expense of the vulnerable or the young. No one did that as a kid for me. We all deserve to be protected from things that are dangerous or harmful to us. I mean you would not let your child play with a rottweiller or a pit viper or run in the streetinto the path of an on coming car or allow an individual you knew was not safe around children to be around kids. Like a sex offender. I pray that you go to a counselor if you were molested then that is where you need to go. Just because they got problems doesn't give them the right to put their hands on a young body. If you couldn't tell your mom then you could have told any adult like a doctor or teacher who cared deeply about you or asked the police. The truth is you were scared most likely terrified. They probably said something like a threat or something to get you not to tell that's how it usually works that's why they get away with it for so long. You need to take that scared damaged girl to a counselor and tell them what happened to you cause if you don't they'll do it again and again until someone stands up and makes it stop finally. That's their sickness they didn't own up and take care of it. They lured a small girl in and did that to her if that ain't sick I don't know what is.
