Here is my situation: I have been married for 9 years-this April. I have a 4 year old daughter. I have my 89 year old grandmother living with us. My husband and I were married 1-2 years when Grandma invited us to live in her basement apartment rent free, in exchange for yard work and other minor help she might need. We lived there for 6-7 years. During that time Grandma went from being mostly able to take care of herself to needing somebody there all the time to make sure she ate, took pills, didn't drive, helped her when she would fall etc. I could see that she was needing more and more help so I approached my family (aunt, uncle, parents) and suggested that my husband, daughter and I stay with Grandma and take care of her, while we were there we would make the neccisary repairs on the house and Grandma could stay in her home-like she wanted. We would, of course need to do some remodeling in the basement since it was a one room apartment-which gets cozy when you have a child. What we wanted in return was a chance to buy her house-many years down the road- at a price we could afford. To make a very long story short-my aunt and uncle said no. So my husband and I knew we needed to find a home because we needed more room, so we looked and finally found one and moved in about 6 months ago. Miraculously it is already set up for the elderly with support bars in the bathrooms etc. We knew Grandma couldn't live alone any more and convinced her to move in with us-besides she feels like my daughter is her own and it would kill her to live away from her. My husband made the offer-which was very kind of him since she is not His grandmother, and because he is getting tired of seeing my parents every day (this has not changed) . She has been living with us for about 6 months now, I am happy to have her here, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard. Some days I just want to bang my head against a wall, and others I am okay with whatever comes my way. Grandma lives with us, not in her own apartment or anything, and she can't hear much, she can't see much, and she doesn't remember much either. She has a tendency to make up stories if something is a bit off in her routine-generally they involve family members ploting against her and trying to move her to a nursing home. She is very paranoid about everybody-usually somebody is mad at her (in her mind) or is lying to her about (insert topic here-usually her health) she doesn't eat enough-which my mom constantly reminds about (out of concern), she doesn't drink enough, she does get her pills however. :) I am not the only one that works with her, my parents take her shopping and deal with her finances and answer all her medical questions over and over and over and over....well you know. As I mentioned, I also have a 4 year old daughter who also needs a normal ammount attention-I teach her preschool in the morning too. Well my husband has just informed me that he can no longer handle having my family always here. He feels that Grandma isn't really our responsibility but my parent's and aunt's and uncle's responsibility. He has informed me that having Grandma here and always around and alwyas a concern is wearing him down and he doesn't want her here any more. He pointed out that we can't go anywhere without having a grandma-sitter -ie. my parents- available to help and if we should ,heaven forbid, decide to go on vacation my parents have to stay with Grandma. If my parents come with us, which they need to do if we go to the cabin- the only vacation we can afford-we have to cause a monumental upturning of lives to have my aunt and uncle take her for a few days. He has also pointed out that my constant care of Grandma is taking time away from my daughter and that he and I never do anything together, sometimes it feels like we don't even see each other for more than dinner. I don't think I am That involved with grandma, but if he is feeling that way there must be some truth to it. We are thinking of having another baby soon and he feels that when I get pregnant I should inform my family that Grandma has to go since I will not have enough time to take careof her, the house, my daughter, my husband, a new baby, and myself. He is concerned that we do not have enough bedrooms to put another person in. He would like to just finally have some time with it just being "us" our little family without someone from my family always being there. I think he is a saint for putting up with so much for so long and I respect him for being honest with me. But now I am torn. My Aunt can't/won't take Grandma because she and my uncle work all day long and there is no one to watch Grandma, besides she admits she doesn't have the patience to handle Grandma-and I agree. My uncle can't take her because my aunt homeschools 4 of their 6 children and he is very busy doing stuff, he also lacks the patience needed. My dad/parents are the only logical solution, but my mom works all day and spends all her time taking care of my dad-who is in bad health-and Grandma, and I honestly think that taking Grandma full time would literally kill her with the added stress. She has stated that if she were to take Grandma-which she plans on doing eventually-she would have to quit her job, which wouldn't be a great idea since they are already getting help just to "stay above water." And everybody has already promised Grandma that they aren't putting her in a rest home. I think my husband has a very good point on everything, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like I owe Grandma, she would do the same for me, and she practically raised me. I think I could handle taking care of Grandma, but I don't want to lose my husband trying-which he has informed me, may happen. I just don't know what to do. If you are still reading this, thank you, I know this is ridiculously long. If you have any advice I would appreciate it.
JenS,
I cannot believe you haven't gotten any response to this especilly from one of the Caring team! From experience with my daughter helping me with my mother it is very unfair to ask this of grandchildren especially when she has children of her own...I understand your mom works and takes care of your father but I had to quit my job to take care of my parents and am also low income. My apoligies to you but you are a very caring person with lots of love for your grandma but your husband is right!! Your young and have a family of your own and this will take a bigger toll on them if you don't do something. In all honesty I would pack grandma's things, being your no longer in her home to be made to feel obligated, and take her to your mom, aunt/uncle and flat out tell them this is not your responsibility and before you lose your own family they need to do what's right. What are they going to do? They can't pack her back up and drop her off at your house. I feel you are being used for them to go on with their lives and not be responsible for what is the right thing to do. After they have had a crack at it they will see it's not so easy and do the proper thing for her. Please think on this and love your husband and child, it does take away from them.
Dear JenS, your situation sounds very, very tough. I'm sorry we missed this post somehow on the boards, and want to see what suggestions I can provide. One idea would be to take coursework that would allow you to be paid as a caregiver, or for your mother (if she quit her job to care for your grandmother) to be paid to do that. It's allowed by Medicaid in most states now. We have lots of articles on the site about doing that. I also wonder if calling a family meeting with your parents and your aunt and uncle there, as well as your husband, would help everyone see everyone else's point of view and help you find a way to share this big responsibility. For example, if your aunt and uncle don't have time to help with daily care, maybe they could provide some funds (to represent their share of her care) which you and your husband could use to pay for overnight help so you can go out, go away, etc. Your marriage is an important piece of this! Keep us posted on what happens.
Where do I find the articles on taking the coursework to become a paid caregiver? What are the qualifications?
Thanks in advance :)
Jen S,
I can understand your situation to a degree and must say I am appaulled by your parents, aunts, and uncles attitude and the stress they have put on your young family. I am pretty much the sole caregiver to my 88 year old grandfather. My father passed away in my 20s and my aunt passed away a few years back. I have one cousin who lives out of town which leaves me, which is fine because I have always had a close relationship with my grandparents. I also have a 15 month old and my wife I are expecting another. We, or should I say I, had considered moving papaw in whith us but after much thought, consideration, and discussion realized that with a baby in the house it could be recipe for disaster (this after he entered the baby room yelling for us because he didn't know were he was). I have turmoiled greatly over where to place my grandfather. We originally kept him in an assisted living home which has been pretty good and might be the right place for your grandmother. However, he has started to fall frequently and his demintia has progressively gotten worse (Of course, if you don't talk to him every day, its hard to catch so some distant family members think he is fine) Consequently, I'm up at 3:00 in the mornind the day I"m switching him to a VA nursing home trying to figure out if I'm doing the right thing. At anyrate, your grandmother shouldn't be thrown on your shoulders, especially since you are just starting your family and she has three children who live in close proximety who can assist. Since they didn't want to let you keep the house long term in exchange for staying with her and caring for her perhaps you should make the same offer to them and they can move into her house with her and care for her and they can have it later? It seems their own selfish greed created alot of this situation. It amazes me when people feel their entitled to a loved ones assets but are not willing to help with their care. You should demand more of your parents, aunts, and uncles and if they don't wish to help, talk to an attorney about having a guardianship set up for her and seek a courts guidance. If she can't make her own decisions, at least the court can appoint someone they believe has her best interest. Do you have a power of attorney? If so you might need to go to teh court? Should they not be willing to let her live with them, it sounds like her house should be sold to help provide for care at a assisted living facility. I sympathise with your situation, but please don't take it all on your shoulders. I wish the best and hang in there.
Thank you for the responses. I enjoy the feedback I get here because it isn't filled with familial emotions. I am looking into the possibility of being a paid caretaker, but that is easier in some states than others. Apparently in Utah it is a little harder than I thought, however I still have quite a bit more info to obtain. I must add, however, that I don't take care Grandma by myself. I thought I added it to my explination (odd, since I added everything else). My mom does a LOT to help. I take care of the medicating, making sure she's fed, dressed, and okay etc. My parents do anything that requires taking her out, (dr. appts., shopping, visiting family etc.) which I think is almost harder. However in the last 3 weeks she seems to be having more spells with confusion and doesen't want to go anywhere to do anything. So, at the risk of sounding calloused, I am not so sure this will be my problem for long-but who really knows? My Grandma wants my mom to be the one who takes care of her medical issues, and it is my parents who always get called up here whenever she wants company or somebody to argue with about whether she has cancer or not. (she doesn't). She wants my parents there all the time, and...well...honestly...I don't, and I don't think they want to be here all the time either. My mom has looked into taking care of Grandma and discovered that she legally(?) can't. Apparently because my dad is on disability and mom takes care of him, she can't legally take on another person to be a caretaker of. My aunt trys to tke grandma out to eat on friday-at least-but Grandma never wants to go. My uncle, well I guess he is busy. They both complain that they have their own life to live. I can't help but think that they are awfully lucky to live their life and expect everybody else to drop theirs. I agree, there my come a time, shortly, that we will have to make some difficult decisions. I am also starting to see a pattern of advice from here and from others not in the family that maybe I took on more than my little family can chew. Thank you for all your responses, and I gladly welcome more input. Sometimes we get caught up in our tired, busy little life and need others to shine a bit of logic on our minds.
You have taken on a lot of responsibility.
I think it is time you demand help from your other family members. Taking care of Grandma should not fall entirely on the shoulders of you and your family. Especially at the risk of your family falling apart over it.
I don't know if you can afford to have someone come in and help, or get her into a nursing home. That's something you may have to look into.
I agree. We may be looking into getting someone in here to help...But it needs to be something my husband is cool with, of course. It depends on what her insurance will cover, too. There is a caretaker fair this weekend that my parents, and hopefully me too, will be going to. Maybe that will make some resources more available. Thank you for your comment. :)
Jen S, I fervently hope you are able to make your parents, aunts and uncles see that THEY should bear more responsibility in your grandmother's care. If they refuse to take complete charge of your grandmother, you can present them with the ultimatum that you are going to have your grandmother declared a ward of the court and then the court (County or state) will decide on her care. If she owns the home that you referred to, the court can step in and sell that property to provide for her upkeep in an assisted living facility. When those resources are depleted, then she would likely qualify for Medicaid and state welfare benefits. You can talk to a Department of Family and Children Services (DFACS or DFCS) in your county. I know that having any family member living in your house can put a strain on a marriage, even under the most ideal circumstances. Your husband has shown more compassion thus far than most men would do. Your daughter and any future children deserve your attention while they are young. Since it is likely that your grandmother is beyond the point of reasoning and understanding, there is not much point in saying "talk to her and try to make her understand." When I was in high school (many years ago) I had a best friend whose maternal grandmother lived in their household. When the grandmother developed dementia and caused quite a fuss, my friend suffered. She developed a strong resentment for her grandmother's disruption of their otherwise happy home. She held her parents responsible for this disruption and never forgave them. I don't mean to give you more cause for worry, but please TAKE ACTION before your own young family suffers more. Your grandmother has had her life and her family. If you do your best to get her situated in assisted living or nursing home, you will have more than done your duty!
Jen,
This is a sore subject with me because my situation is similar. I have soooo much to say that's it's hard to know where to begin without being all over the place and still be helpful to you. I take care of my 88-year-old maternal grandmother while fulfilling the responsibilities of being a wife and mother of three young kids ages 4-7. My grandmother raised me, put me through private school, bought my first car, and on and on so I have the same burden in my heart for my grandmother as you do for yours. My mother, who was her daughter, is dead and her son is nowhere to be found so there is no one but me.
Here's where you have an advantage: you have people who can and should be taking care of your grandma, but they won't. I know you say they have a lot going on in their lives, but the difference between you and them is that you've made adjustments to care for grandma despite what you have going on--for everyone else that has been an option.
The first thing I had to come to terms with and that I think you need to accept is that someone has to make the difficult decisions and/or be the bad guy and that somebody is you. There is no easy way to deal with this situation. It won't be pretty. As a matter of fact, wear the bad guy badge with honor because until you start the ball rolling, the things that really need to get done for your grandmother and the decisions that really need to made on her behalf will never be accomplished if everybody just lets things continue on the way they have been.
Once you come to terms with that then you need to move forward. I would start by having a "Come to Jesus" meeting with the family. Emphatically let them know that you can't do it anymore. Be strong and be courageous. Don't let them turn it into an apple and oranges debate where they go back and forth with all the reasons they can't take grandma. You didn't call the meeting for that and frankly that's not your concern at this point. All they need to know is that you can't do it anymore. As far as I'm concerned, they don't even need to know why (that your husband is burned out), that's not their business. And most importantly, DO NOT APOLOGIZE. You have been nothing but a blessing to your grandma and you aren't letting her down. Be strong and shut down all attempts to make you feel guilty.
If your family won't take your grandmother willingly, then start a legal chain of events going. WITHOUT paying a lawyer, I filed petitions to the probate court to become my grandmother's guardian and conservator and was granted both. If your aunt and uncle won't take your grandmother willing after you tell them that you are done, and you said that legally your mother can't be her caregiver, then I agree with a previous poster here that you need to file a petition for her to be a ward of the court and have the state of Utah declare her a protected individual so that her assets can be sold and the proceeds used toward her care and/or she can receive Medicaid and be placed in nursing home (it sounds like your grandmother's dementia has progressed to the point of needing placement in a facility especially combined with the physical ailments that you mentioned). If you can include doctor's assessments with your petition, then good. If not, then the state will have someone evaluate her. It will start with a court representative (the guardian ad litem) and then his or her report will call for a medical evaluation. Do know that you aunt, uncle, and maybe even your mother will be livid as they will be notified by the court of your petition because they are considered interested persons and will be called to show up at a hearing. They may even contest, which would be good on your part because if they contest, then all the court will want to know is which one of them will be taking your grandmother since they are contesting. See this is the part that has been optional to them previously--their involvement-- they do when they feel like it, but when it is too stressful and/or grandma gets to acting up/out then "they have their own lives". What you want to do is create a situation, one way or the other, that let's them know that their full-time involvement with your grandmother is NO LONGER OPTIONAL. As a previous poster commented, it's funny how they're still all up in the financial parts of the matter--They don't want you to have grandma's house, but they don't want to take care of her fulltime either--time out for that nonsense. Again, remove the options. The reason I'm not suggesting that you become your grandmother's guardian and conservator, or even become her caregiver for compensation as was suggested by another poster, is because you've reached a point in your marriage where you have to let go of the responsibility of taking care of your grandmother.
Speaking of your marriage , the paranoia, the accusations, the depression, the downright orneriness from your grandmother--I'm right where you are. So far I am "managing" my grandmother (I laughed as I typed that--some days are better than others) and my husband knew the first week that I met him that my grandmother was a huge part of my life. She was the first thing I told him about, just like the first thing a single parent mentions to a first date is her children. (although my grandmother didn't have dementia when we first met and got married and we like you and your husband lived with her for a short while during our marriage) However I do have a limit, and that limit is losing my husband. Consider that limit for yourself. My husband has been tremendous, but if/when he approaches me and says that he can't do it anymore, I know that he has already gone to the wall for my grandmother and has given and done more than any of her blood relatives combined (I suspect the same can be said for your husband) and enough is enough. I've already accepted that even if he doesn't, her dementia will progress to unmanageable point anyway and she will have to go to a home. It sounds like the time has come sooner for your grandmother.
As for you and your family's promises to your grandmother that you wouldn't put her in a facility, you've got to ask yourself (and your family members at the Come to Jesus meeting), "is that realistic?" Your grandmother's condition is just too big for you now and yes you do owe your grandmother. But what you owe her is to do what is best for her, not to refrain from putting her in home where a team of people care for her 24/7. Especially if: a) the other family members can't seem to make her a priority and b) she's just too far gone now. If you've gotta tell her she needs to be in home so that they can treat the cancer she thinks she has then so be it--do what you have to do. Putting her in a home is not easy, but it isn't a crime. I'm not even suggesting that a caregiver come to your home because again, I believe the situation has reached the point where your grandmother needs to leave your home. If money is a concern, then check out the best homes that will accept her medicare with her social security paying the balance or copay or that will accept medicaid if you can get her on it (if you can get the state involved and get a case worker, that should get her moved closer to the top of the list for aid and placement). I know those facilities aren't the most upscale (something that I've had to come to terms with because money is an issue with me) but again we've gotta do what we gotta do. It doesn't have to be your marriage or your grandmother. Having a family or your grandmother. You've just got to make some difficult choices about what to do for grandma. And thus far you have been operating (and your family has been making you feel) like you don't have a choice, but you do--it's just hard. Guess what, everyday, and I do mean everyday my grandmother insists on going back to her home (she keeps her bag pack and declares she's going to the airport). She doesn't agree or understand why the court is involved. I don't say a word because I know it's not her choice to make anymore (and she can't process it anyway). The decision making is mine now and it's tough, but I have taken control. I'm urging you to take control.
Lastly, and I hope this doesn't send up a red flag with Caring.com or offend you, but get to know God. If you already know him then really get to know him.
Hold your head up high. Writing this note has been therapeutic for me and I hope it has been encouraging to you.
KC
Thank you very much for your comment. It makes me happy to see that someone else is as thourogh in their writing as I am. :) Thank you for all your information, it really explained a lot and answered many questions I had. There has been talk about a meeting happening-it never occured to me that I could/should call the meeting. This was kinda like a pep talk too. I am not offended by anything you wrote. I feel my life has been very blessed to have her here, but I know that she never wants to become a burden-she tells me this every day. I feel that we were guided to this house because we were meant to keep her for a while, but I also feel like it was never meant to be a burden on my family either. I just found out I am pregnant so something will be happening soon....I will keep reading your comment again and again there is just so much logic and love in it. Thank you again.
Thanks KC for the comment to JenS I am JenS's mom and am a lot like you I feel a lot of duty to my mother in law, JenS's g-ma. She helped me raise my kids and took over where my mom left off. My mom died when she was 52 yrs. So I have had my mother in law longer than my own mom. The problem I have is my husband's health is no good and utah disability will not alow me take care of both. As for 24/7 care resthomes in Utah they lead alot to be desired. I just lost a good neighbor friend due to the so called 24/7 care. I also play the piano in some of these places, to say the least I'm not at all impressed in what I see. The other problem I have is that G-ma has chosen me to take care of her health needs especially on her last part of her life. I have been around this medical stuff for some 40 odd yrs. Sneaking into the Hosp to see my mom when she was sick. I took care of her when she came home, when I got married my Husband's health was not great and has deteriated through the years. I have taken my mother in law through many health issues including 2 cancer surgeries. The problem is the sibs don't respect my husband whom is the eldest son. He is not a college graduate, they both are. Sis in law is a school teacher, bro in law a retired police (so naturaly he's a pro in elder law). On one hand the caring for G-ma I get told not to do anything because her mind will never get better so just let her go, on the other hand I get my head bit off for calling an eye Dr. to find out if they used a new med on her macular degeneration treatment, because she took a reaction and was hallucinating badly.
Any Ideas?
pianoratfink
To JenS and your mother: I know that you don't want to alienate close relatives (siblings, etc), but when it becomes evident that they are not helping and taking responsibility, leaving most, if not everything for you to do, you just have to realize that you CANNOT try to please everyone. When you make a decision that is in your grandmother/mil's best interest, ignore the nay sayers! Where were they when the decision was needed? Were they paying the bill? etc. You can break your back leaning over backwards to please others and it will never be enough, never be appreciated, etc. The mode you are in now is purely SURVIVAL. Let the others deal with their own issues. One thing you could practice repeating: I cannot and do not need to please everyone! Saying it to their face might be helpful too! For your own peace of mind, remember, "This too shall pass!"
Jen, I sure don't mean to sound like I'm telling someone else what to do! These are things that I wish someone would have said to me 4 years ago. Back then, I didn't have anyone to talk to and, as you know, some people just don't care what you're going through and would rather not hear your problems. Remember that old line about, "Don't tell your problems to others; half of them don't care and the other half are glad!" Well, having someone on caring.com to listen and share their own experiences would have been so therapeutic to me back then. I do care and I will remember Jen S and family in my prayers. I mean that; I am not just saying that. I am reminded of that old spiritual, "My Jesus knows just what I need; He satisfies and every need supplies; yes He knows just what I need." God Bless you and give you peace.
I never felt like you were telling someone what to do. I was just surprised at how much sense you made. I am very grateful for this site, you are correct-it is hard to find someone to talk to that doesn't think you are just whining or wasting their time. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. :)
Thank you for the comments NeedGrace, very consoling its nice to see a religeous side for a difficult situation.
pianoratfink
Jen, You have alot on your plate, your amazing... and you DO deserve to have your own life. I know you and your mother are working dillegently to do the best possible thing for G-Ma.
So many thoughts went thur my heart in reading this, I hope this isnt to random or choppy, I heart and prayer are yours... Anyway here goes!!:
Have you considered that G-ma might be 'paranoid' about going into hursing home because she herself knows it is what needs to be done???
In the mean time does your entire family have to be in your home all the time??? This must make the stress level just triple??!! Brainstorm on options?? If you have done that a bunch of times, get some new blood in the game, seriously just a diffirent group of people to toss ideas to/from??
There does seem to be a consenses that aunt & uncle are not doing there share of the hard work.. and we cannot make them do it. So.... it seems your mom and you need to organize a goal, before you call the meeting. When you guys stand together knowing this IS what is has to happen, they may just do something, if they dont, you have a plan. I'm wondering if aunt & uncle have an agenda, or they have contributed in other ways that in there mind abolish them of there ultimate responsibility. if they are waiting for there bonus abit premature?? !
It is amazing what we can do when we dettach from the "Emotional baggage" of a situation. Sometimes when we can put ourselves in an "observer position" it gives us just the perspective we need to see it through with more clarity.
Why is it that care-takers find it so difficult to put ourselves on the list! somewhere close to #1 
who is going to suffer the most if the situation continues as is?? Your children!?!?? Would G-Ma really want that?? The big picture gets so way-layed in the day to day struggle.
Put a picture of a miracle in your minds eye, the miracle you want, you need, know it will be, then go make it happen..!!. - I heard somewhere there is power is numbers! -
Many of us do get strengh from God, there is diffinately a higher power at work, in this work. I dont think it is offensive to anyone to admitt that, We dont have the time to try to 'convert' anyone to anything, just trying to get them to take there meds & be nice!!
Keep us posted, This process is so cathartic, thank you, thank you thank you...
kjw
You are very correct. You brought up some points that I haven't thought about. I like your suggestions, they are very logical and I agree. I really appreciate your point of view and your information. It is so nice to "get some new blood in the game," that is one of the reasons I posted here. Sometimes when you think you have all the answers it is nice to see that other people can give you some other ideas. Thank you again. As always I appreciate the time people spend to comment. :)
Jen S, I posted this in the "Suggestions section", but I thought you might not see it so I am copying it here: CAUTION WITH LONG TERM ARICEPT USE:
In several discussions, respondents have said that either they or their loved one have begun taking Aricept. I am writing this because everyone needs to take seriously one of the warnings with Aricept use. One warning is that Aricept may aggravate or cause ulcers and bleeding. My Mother had been taking Aricept for about 2 years when she experienced serious hemmorhaging from her intestinal tract. She hemmorhaged 7 pints of blood the first time this happened and she almost died. Surgery to find the source of the bleeding was not an option for several reasons that are not really necessary to this discussion. After that first episode, she continued to take Aricept; her doctors did not say she should not. Exactly one year later, she hemmorhaged a second time, this time stopping at 5 pints lost. This time, I told her doctor that I thought she should discontinue Aricept and he agreed. She had been taking Namenda along with Aricept for a many months and continued to take only Namenda. When Mother finally went into a nursing facility in 2008, the Namenda was also discontinued because it appeared to be of no benefit at that stage. Sometimes I think that we don't take the drug warnings seriously. In the case of long term use of Aricept, I think the warning should be.
JenS,
Greetings from the western front! I have two simple points to make:
1) YOUR HUSBAND - Listen to him, consider him and accommodate him. He is your life partner, and every commitment you make becomes his commitment as well. When he tells you he can't take it any longer - BELIEVE HIM - without judgment, or disappointment. The guy sounds like he's been a saint... Let him have the chance to be JUST a husband and father again.
2) YOUR GRANDMOTHER - as long as YOU ARE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for her care, NO ONE ELSE WILL. PERIOD. If she did NOT have dementia, she would NEVER AGREE to burden you, and your young family, with her care or anyone else's... Think about that. Your family is like mine, "oh SO concerned," as long as they don't actually have to DO anything. You are too young to be in the sandwich generation. Save your strength for when your OWN mother needs care. Believe me, that time will come soon enough.
DON'T WAIT for good luck - Pack her up and move her back to her own home. Don't forget to call Adult Protective Services, so they know she needs an IMMEDIATE intervention. Then call the family and tell them there is a crisis to which they must all respond IMMEDIATELY.
Lastly, NO GUILT.
JUST DO IT.
Thank you for your comment. You make some very good points. I completely agree my husband has been a saint and I do belive that he has the right to be a husband and a father. I am not dissapointed in him, I am grateful that he has stuck with it as long as he has. Thankfully we have decided that we will have Grandma move in with my parents in October for as long as they can care for her. That seems to have lessened the burden around here. Unfortunately my aunt and uncle don't want to help my parents in any way....Ah the drama never ends. :) Thank you again for your time and comment.
JenS
GOOD PROGRESS ALREADY!
Your grandmother may "change" when she is at your mother's house... She may feel the desire to be more helpful (since her own son and daughter -in-law will be suffering.) Some of her paranoia may subside, as she will be living with the person who controls her money. If her behavior continues to be a problem, medication is probably the answer.
My mother is 81 and four years ago nearly killed me with a kitchen knife. On medication she is charming, compliant, more self-assured, GRATEFUL, more independent, AND EVEN HELPFUL.
She takes Aricept for memory (forget the worry worts who say it's dangerous,) Zoloft for depression and anxiety, and Seroquel, an antipsychotic which SIGNIFICANTLY reduces her negative behaviors AND makes her sleep through the night. Without these medications she would not be "compliant enough for home care." We made lists of things she can do to help around the house, so she has chores like everyone else. She can vacuum, sweep, fold laundry, peel vegetables, husk corn, help in the garden, and many "OTHER ACTIVITIES UNDER SUPERVISION." We prepare tea for her in plastic containers, so she can get herself a cup of tea whenever she wants. All she has to do is pour it in a cup and press a button on the microwave (we put colored tape on the button...) Other than that, she has "NO kitchen privileges."
I do not know what your grandmother's abilities and limitations are, but chances are she will feel a lot better if she can contribute around the house. And while she may not have felt the impulse to help her young granddaughter, more than likely she will rally to help her poor, overburdened daughter-in-law care for her own son..
Make one change, and ten more will happen on their own.
Also, tell your mom to sell (or rent) your grandma's house (she has power of attorney, right?) or, sell it to you on a lease option for a reduced sum to reflect your past caregiving assistance. The income from the house should go to your "grandmother" via your mother, to pay for her room, board, medications, and any money your mother pays to you for providing her with respite care. Another option is for your parents to move into your grandmother's house with her, in which case, it will be passed on to them if/when she needs to be institutionalized. That way your parents can rent their own home out and use the income to make their lives easier, or they can rent their house to you!
However they proceed, you can still be very involved. You just need to be able to walk away from it and go home at the end of the day...
Wow, that is some excellent advice! I have wondered about the medication option. My parents have taken her to a geriontologist to take some tests, and they are discussing the results today. They are apparently giving her a stonger dose of anti depressant drugs for starters to see if they help. Ironically, the doctor also said that she doesn't have dementia, that what she has is damage to her frontal lobe of her brain due to mini strokes. (who knew?) But it is good to know that there are medications out there for the future-however soon that will come up. I love your list of chores you have her your mother do and ways to let her feel like she is being helpful.
I agree, she will probably feel compelled to help by " rally to help her poor, overburdened daughter-in-law care for her own son.."
I do not know who has power of attorney. I think my parents are trying to get that-since the doctor told them that Grandma is legally able to sign any legal documents-but it is a very tricky process. Oddly the siblings who don't want to help seem to think they should have as much say in her care, (It's an old tale, I know.) and Grandma seems to agree (assuming she REALLY understands). I tried the whole house selling idea 2 years ago and all it's many options including just getting an agreemant signed that they didn't need to sell it right away, just that when they do they sell it to us at a previously agreed on price so that we could use any money we had coming in to fix and update the home. In return we would live with Grandma and take care of her for free. Yeeess...well my parents were in favor of the idea and my aunt and uncle said "NO WAY." and essentially said that they didn't need us and that we could find another house to live in (which was our only other option as we were running out of room in Grandmas basement) and that we didn't do anything more to help her than anyone else. They stated that wasn't how the will was written out-and so it wasn't an option. They felt that Grandma would be fine living in her own home, with a nurse to hlep out. Grandma agreed- (not completely understanding) and so we moved out. There are no hard feelings, and when Grandma realized we were leaving she decided she wouldn't comply with any ideas to keep her in her house-nurse, anything. This is why she moved in with us. Baisically the house has to sit until she is put into a rest home. It has been suggested to have my parents move into her house with her, but they are self employed and run a buisness out of their home, and Grandma doesn't want to have them run it out of her home-as it takes up a great deal of space and has many parts and pieces. It would be nice if everybody could give a little. :) Either way, I hope to stay as involved as possible, because I think my parents will really need the help. Unfortunately, with the baby due in November, I expect I will be very busy for a bit. This is why she is moving out in October-I just won't be able to give her the care she needs with a newborn to care for too.
Again I appreciate your comments, they are very informative and helpful.
Thank you. :)
JenS
Has it occurred to anyone in your family that your grandmother is NOT yet DEAD? UNTIL SUCH TIME AS SHE IS... the will is of no consequence!
Talk to a lawyer - ASAP.
Don't invite your aunt and uncle.
And if your mom is handling her mother's affairs, she MUST have a valid Power of Attorney to do so. So she'd better get one or stop making decisions for and paying bills with her mother's money.
TALK TO AN ELDER LAW ATTORNEY. YOU AND YOUR MOM CANNOT AFFORD NOT TO!!!!!
IF MONEY IS SHORT, CALL LEGAL AID,
BUT IF YOU CAN AFFORD A GOOD PRIVATE ATTORNEY - IT WILL BE MONEY WELL SPENT. AND IT CAN BE GRANDMA'S MONEY THAT PAYS FOR IT. SHE WILL BE THE CLIENT...
No matter how much you want to help your grandmother, your daughter needs you and she also needs her dad. Your grandmother is a secondary responsibility. Most of all you need to take care of you. It's not your fault your mother cannot handle your grandmother. The responsibility falls to her to make a decision on her mother. You've done more than your share and it has nothing to do with loving your grandmother. Take care of you and your family and let your mom and her siblings decide how to best take care of grandma.
Its the same story here, everyone who can';t or wont do the 'grunt' work on a daily basis has alot to say on their biweekly one hour visit
GALOWA,
You would think so. You are right, though, it really doesen't matter until she has passed on.
I agree, my mom does need to get set up as Power of attorney. They do need to talk to a lawer. I am not sure but there was rumor that maybe Grandma has already set up a power of attorney a while ago-but conveinently no one can find the paperwork.
I know she saw 4 doctors, I'm not sure if one of them was a neurologist or not. I do belive that is a good idea, though.
Thank you again for your help. :)
ooh you need the neuro for sure get gerontologist to refer u to one. We just changed ... long story but new neuro is compassionate and does not rush us ... with last guy if he spent 6 minutes with you it was a lengthy visit.
Sounds like your family has reached a conclusion re your grandmother's care -- and that's good! Whether or not the aunt and uncle are involved in actual care or financial support is another and probably future issue -- the current emergency is your own familial welfare, and I totally agree with an earlier respondent's comment that it sounds like your grandmother would want to protect you and your family. And you've done so much for her. Your husband sounds like a gem! YOU sound like an angel!
But have decisions been made re guardianship, etc? I didn't get the sense that G-ma's actual caregivers (you and now your mother -- I assume that you share some caretaking chores still) are protected, that you could make decisions without a whole big nasty family wrangle.
Your grandmother is so fortunate to have support from folks she loves. That is a beautiful thing. I would even bet she KNOWS and truly appreciates what you have done and will do for her.
Thank you for your kind comments.
I don't believe there have been any guardianship decisions made as of yet-frustrating-and many decisions made regarding Grandma often lead to a not so fun family wrangle. I think that the only thing that is almost being honored is that my dad still has the last say, as he is the oldest boy. Somehow that doesen't really make sense as I write that. Either way, Grandma still can make some decisions on her own welfare-legally. I guess it will be what it will be. :)
Grandma is always appreciatetive, and knows that she-and we-are blessed to have each other. There are always days, though, when things aren't always smooth sailing-as to be expected.
Thanks again for your comments and support.
This shoulds like my experience minus the young family of my own.
1. Consult an attorney that specializes in "Elder Law" & find out what kind of Personal-type Care Agreements are possible in your state. With him, decide what would be a fair & reasonabe amount for reinbursement for your daily care & supervision. Also include a reasonable amount for rent, separate from the personal care fee. Have him get together a durable "Power of Attorney" at the same time. I would do this myself as I have a feeling the more people you discuss this with, the more obstacles you will run into in getting it done. It is just a way of seeing what is possible. Nothing is legal until it is signed & noterized.
2. Show this to your husband first to see if he would even consider continuing with the arrangement under these (being paid) circumstances? Then, show them to your Mother: If either of you two doing this is an option, tell her. If not, maybe she would be able to quit working to take care of her own mother.
Here is how I resolved it for myself
>I gave my then 97 year old mother a choice of sigining the legal papers making me her "Power of Attorney" in ALL matters so I could make both financial and personal care decisions for her, or having someone else take care of her. I also have a brother but he & his wife we unwilling to take her in or to be responsible for her (they were never, however, reluctant to ask her for money when they needed it...), so In her case that would have been assisted living or a nursing home arrangement.
>I bought a little cottage type trailor & put it in my yard & moved her into it. (If you cannot do this maybe you could remodel to make a separate effeciencey-type apapartment off the side of your home or you could find a little apartment close enough to you that you could easily run over to it anytime you need/want to). This gave us both the needed privacy we wanted; her from the routine of a nursing home, me & my now grown-up family from her wandering in & out, interferring, complaining, etc. I pay all her bills out of her income, plus some of the time & groceries (I fix her meals, do her laundry, chaffuer her around, etc.) I spend either directly taking care of her or supervising her care. When I go on vacation, one of my neices who says at home with her young kids & needs the extra money, goes in to see her daily. This means that when my own son (her grandson--she thinks the sun rises & moon sets over him :) comes home from work he doesn't have to spend another few hours doing her chores & if he does go over, they can enjoy just "visiting" with eachother. Recently, I had someone do the heavy sping housecleaning for her.
DON'T FEEL GUILTY because your grandma raised you or would "do the same for you". You are already doing her a big favor just being there for her (think of her other two kids & their excuses, not to mention their unwillingness to agree to any arrangements to help you out!). Your husband is a saint (saints occasionally ran o/o patience too!!), most would not be so gracious. He may be right about the new baby. Having the 2nd child was 'way more work than I'd anticipated! More than double the load. So much so that I never had the 3rd that I'd always planned to have. But getting paid for your care will help in many ways and as she needs more care, you will be able to hire someone to help; either you or her.
This was not easy to get set-up & Mom to agree to for me, it will not be easy for you either. But it will be worth it. Good luck!
My sister went through this recently. I gets a bit complicated so bear with me. It's my step mom. No adoption. Mom got sick, in hospital, contracted MRSA or some flesh eating disease while there. Doctors can't tell us what it is/was. Destroyed her left leg. Had skin grafts etc. Also bones are brittle and keeps snapping bones in her back. We tried like crazy to finally bring Mom home. Thats all she (and we) wanted was to go home. It lasted one week. She snapped another bone in back just getting up off the toilet. Back in hospital. A decision, as hard as it was, had to be made. My sister was so stressed trying to take care of her family, work full time and tend to Mom or visit her after work. I live in another state so I wasn't much help. Mom's son lives a couple miles from her but doesn't come around much, BUT he always has something negative to comment to my sister about Mom's health/well being. Sis finally had to make the decision of assisted living. We hated that we were doing this. At first Mom didn't want to go there either. She would make comments so our guilt trip was HUGE! She is now in assisted living, has been there since June. SHE LOVES IT!!!! I think the best part for her is lunch & dinner. She wheels herself to the dining room to sit with 'friends' for dinner. She lived alone before. It was the best decision made in over a year of trying to handle everything herself (my sister). Our brother has made his comments. (Sure were quick to sign Mom over to the state) BUT he was hardly ever there to help when needed. So don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You know in your heart everything you and your family have went through and sacrificed. Concentrate on raising your family now. Take them to visit grandma so they can remember her with a smile on their face as they leave to go home. Whether she goes with your mom or in assisted living they will enjoy visiting and then going home. I hope this helps somewhat. My mom adapted so quickly to assisted living. It's like a one bedroom apt attached with a hallway leading to the dining room or play rooms. If my sister takes her out shopping Mom now is insistent about being 'home' in time to get her 'spot' at the dinner table. She stills has some independence, privacy, and not being a burden to her daughter being there. I am pretty sure she realizes that too. Take Care and make the right decisions for grandma. Try to take the emotional element out of it. What would be BEST for HER? NOT anyone else, HER!
In anyway you can, with all the respect you can, better find your Grandma place. The same thing happened to me except my husband finally left me and my two young children (at the time 9 months and 3 yrs). And my Grandmother didn't even live with us, she lived next door and it was still too much! She has become a burden and mostly hurts more than helps. It is your parents responsibility just like your daughter will take of you when you are elderly. My children and I have suffered greatly because of the responsibility of my Grandmother. I love her to tears and I want to love her until the end but I am torn too. My life has been destroyed because of it and I resent more than I love now. I also have children than she would literally die without but there comes a time that you and your family have to come first. This is where I am at now. After everything is said and done you have a husband and child to take care of first, don't loose them because of your Grandmother. Because while you would probably still have your little girl if your husband leaves you I can promise you she will never be the same. My husband never ever gave me support or help, just could not stand my family situation. Your husband seems supportive of your feelings...use this while making this change. He will help you through the difficult times in finding a place for Grandma and hug you when you cry about things. But by all means please do not let him leave.
Good luck and God Bless!
Hi Jen You are too young to be dealing with all this, and I commend you for what you have done for your grandmother. I am glad you have worked out for your grandmother to move in with your parents. Your mother probably does have her hands full, but it is her's and her siblings responsibility. If your aunt and uncle can't or won't provide any physical assistance, I suggest that you advise all the siblings that each is responsible for a certain amount of financial support. I would also suggest that they at least be tapped to take grandma to certain doctor appts. That should be a given, and they should just step up to the plate. It is hard for you at your age to deal with us baby-boomers - we are a determined lot. So your mother should take the lead on making these demands. Uniformly, all siblings should help the caregiving family financially, and also take a role such as relief coverage, doctor visits, or "errands with grandma" role. Talk seriously to your mother about that. And then you take a definite secondary role. Your husband and children must come first. And Galawa was comletely right in her response to you. Good luck. And take care of yourself!
Thank you for your comments. Annonomous: thank you for remindng me to be grateful for the things I do have-it was probably the saddest post I have read. Pollytnjc: Thnk you for your comments as well, I am hoping that the sibings will step up and do their part fo rthe woman who took care of them and wiped their bottoms for years.
All in all, Grandma will be moving out in October with my parents. At this point, I am definately taking a secondary role. I love her, but she really isn't my responsibility. I do need to think of my family first. Thank you.
I agree that grandchildren are not responsible for the caregiving of their grandparents. However, we had a situation in which my children were being forced out of their home at the same time that my father died and as a help to the grandchildren, they moved in with mom and mom helped them to pay their bills and provided them and their 3 children with a place to live, however, the grandchild's husband resented mom being there and had a fight with my daughter and threatened both my daughter and mom so we stepped in to remove mom from that situation. After that they trashed the home, left the lawn uncut for 1 year, while housing a goat in the basement to trim the lawn and broke almost every window in the house, ruined the hot water heater, destroyed the bathroom wall, leaving a huge hole there, colored with crayons almost every wall, basement wall was left with a hole in it, etc. and none of these things existed until after mom moved out of the house.
Which brings me to my question....although my sister and I both agree that it was not their responsibility, we felt very hurt in what they did to the home and it has destroyed our family, so how does one deal with this?
Now that granddaughter and her family are no longer ever asked to care for mom, we have worked out an arrangement whereby mom lives with my sister and my daughter, niece and myself share responsibilities whenever my sister is not available. My sister takes about every weekend and goes away and goes away 1 week per month so this has worked out well. I take mom to all of her appointments during the week and bathe her and have her at my home one night a week for dinner.
Also, I had a question regarding mom helping around the house...my mom fixes her own breakfast and loads the dishwasher with her dishes but really seems unable to do anything else. Last week, she spilled some juice on the floor and called me to come down to clean it up (which I did). How do you know when they may need more assistance than a team of caregivers can provide? Or how do you tell if they just don't want to do it? I do know that she can't see or hear very well, but most of her day is spent playing cards on the computer. (that takes seeing) and my sister and myself both agree that mom doesn't move much and that may be contributing to her inability to do things.
And what types of easy chores might get mom moving again.
Anyway, this note was just the flip side of what can happen when grandchildren are asked to help. FOr 2 years they paid only $100 per month and in exchange were supposed to do upkeep on the house. NOT.
You are a wonderful person, & have given all you've got. Yes, you're right, too, your husband sounds like a kind & patient man...but, he DOES have a point. You have your own family, now. Yes, Grandmother is family...but, there comes a time when you must learn to accept & ask for some help. Also, although a bit late....a promise may have to be broken. Sounds like you may be able to combine help from both family & professionals. You can still be involved, but, it's time for others to step-up & help out, or, even take-over her care. Just a fact of life.
Curious now that it's Oct., has your granny been relocated? I hope that no matter what the status is now, that you will be able to decide what your limits are and then do whatever is necessary to respect them. We are all so good at giving advice to everyone, whether we've been asked to or not, but only we can figure out what we really need. If your granny was herself, without dementia, she would never want to be responsible for negatively affecting your own marriage/family. Only those of us who have given direct care in our homes can understand the true price we pay as caregivers. What a wonderful grandaughter you have been and what a peach your husband has been to share you. You deserve and need a life of your own and time and energy not only for your husband and child but for yourself. So I hope you have been relieved of your caregiver burden (although we are still caregivers even after we don't have our care receiver in our own home)and are at last finding some time for yourself and feeling less like the monkey in the middle.
Thank you for the replies. It is October and things are in motion, kind of, to move Grandma into my dad and moms house. We have told them that the 17th is when we are looking to have her moved, but if it is absolutely neccisary we can wait until the 24th. We need to have her moved out and then I will need a week to clean and wash the carpet and room so that we can have someone help us move our very heavy furniture around the next weekend to put into the room. Then I can focus on turning the empty room into a nursery. I feel a little like I am being pushy, but the last week of October will put me in the 36th week of my pregnancy and I had my daughter at 36 weeks, so I am a little nervous about having this baby early as well. My parents are feeling the crunch to get everything ready in time and are currently out of town for work until later next week. I am hoping to help them out while they are out of town so that when they get home all they will need to do is move Grandma in. Grandma understands-most of the time-that this is her best option. My aunt and uncle still want her in an assisted living-and that will probably happen later-and as I understand it, have told my dad and mom that they don't plan to help them with Grandma at all. They also feel as though they can tell my parents who they can and can't have come into their house and help with Grandma. Yeah, I don't see that being something they will have any say over. I will keep things updated. Watch for my moms future posts, I'm sure there will be plenty. It is hard to be the daughter in law and the one expected to give the most care. Thank you for all the support. :)
It's encouraging to hear that you've set a target date for the move of Granny. I hadn't realized that your new baby is due before long --it sounds as if you don't need to be struggling to actually move/clean/reorganize. I wonder if your granny has enough fluid assets to help make her move less of a strain for you. Your parents could make arrangements to finish the move--even if Granny goes first and her belongings follow. I would bet your OB would be glad to know you aren't the one doing all the work at your home and your parents too. This is the time to call in the troops, even if your parents or your granny have to pay for the help. After the years of care you've provided, you deserve help now so you can concentrate on having a full term pregnancy and finding some breathing space before the new baby arrives. You don't have to do it all. Twin Granny
