Gee I wish I had an answer for you . my mil has AL and nothing will help stop her needyness . I too feel I have no life as she comes first in everything we do . We never leave her alone and she goes where ever we go . I hate it .

Gee I wish I had an answer for you . my mil has AL and nothing will help stop her needyness . I too feel I have no life as she comes first in everything we do . We never leave her alone and she goes where ever we go . I hate it .

You say she is on antidepressant medication, so I'm guessing she has a history of depression. It may be the medication isn't working well enough. Isolating herself, not taking care of herself, etc could be signs she is still depressed. Spending money she doesn't have- that sometimes is a symptom of mania but IMO could also be a symptom of depression; trying to buy things to make her happy. I don't know how involved you are with her medical status, but it may be worth talking to her or her doctor about. How long has she been on the antidepressant? Does it need to be adjusted or is it not the right medication?

Are there any senior clubs that she could maybe join? Or a senior center she could go to once or twice a week? Does she have any friends she could do something with once or twice a week? This would likely help her depression as well as help her not depend on you guys all the time for socialization.

You say she is on antidepressant medication, so I'm guessing she has a history of depression. It may be the medication isn't working well enough. Isolating herself, not taking care of herself, etc could be signs she is still depressed. Spending money she doesn't have- that sometimes is a symptom of mania but IMO could also be a symptom of depression; trying to buy things to make her happy. I don't know how involved you are with her medical status, but it may be worth talking to her or her doctor about. How long has she been on the antidepressant? Does it need to be adjusted or is it not the right medication?

Are there any senior clubs that she could maybe join? Or a senior center she could go to once or twice a week? Does she have any friends she could do something with once or twice a week? This would likely help her depression as well as help her not depend on you guys all the time for socialization.

Since she only mentioned the medication to my husband, I technically don't know she was taking the antidepressants. I have no idea if she is still taking them. She is one of those kind of people who think that a pill will fix everything.
About a year ago, I showed her a program in town that listed activities that seniors take. Since she is 64 and still is required to work, she said that she had nothing in common with those people since she was still able to work. As for personal friends, I have not heard her mention anyone's name in years.

Since she only mentioned the medication to my husband, I technically don't know she was taking the antidepressants. I have no idea if she is still taking them. She is one of those kind of people who think that a pill will fix everything.
About a year ago, I showed her a program in town that listed activities that seniors take. Since she is 64 and still is required to work, she said that she had nothing in common with those people since she was still able to work. As for personal friends, I have not heard her mention anyone's name in years.

It s not about ur mother in law. It is about YOU. Your feelings towards her are reflected in your attitude and behavior towards her and these negative vibes are around you. Not only will this affect your relationship with your husband but your children will pick up your frustration. Changing your attitude into a positive emotion will bring about changes. How? Are you a mother? React to her in terms of the common bond u share- motherhood. She is a mother, and as a mother, would you not like to have your children near you? As a mother, do u not get angry with your kids? Maybe then you can begin to understand that her physical health is affecting her emotions and she has lost control and thereby is reacting irrationally. Your attitude always speaks for itself! A positive one will never affect you because you know you have done all that is in your hands.

It s not about ur mother in law. It is about YOU. Your feelings towards her are reflected in your attitude and behavior towards her and these negative vibes are around you. Not only will this affect your relationship with your husband but your children will pick up your frustration. Changing your attitude into a positive emotion will bring about changes. How? Are you a mother? React to her in terms of the common bond u share- motherhood. She is a mother, and as a mother, would you not like to have your children near you? As a mother, do u not get angry with your kids? Maybe then you can begin to understand that her physical health is affecting her emotions and she has lost control and thereby is reacting irrationally. Your attitude always speaks for itself! A positive one will never affect you because you know you have done all that is in your hands.

I wonder if the last post - Action-Reaction has ever had someone live with her that expects her and her family to be completely responsible for their happiness, 24 hours per day - especially someone who will do nothing to help themselves. This Mother in Law is 64 not 90, is able to work and should be somewhat thankful that this daughter in law has taken her in and shared her home with her. They have family dinner every night together - more time then most children spend with their parents. Attitude goes both ways and this MIL should take some responsibility for her own social life and happiness.

Oh and yes I do know what I'm talking about, my mother has lived with us for well over 20 years and my gracious husband and son have dealt with these same issues most of that time, more so as she has gotten older. I love my mother but it's difficult to share your home with another "mother." My mom tells me that she too doesn't always feel "wanted" in our part of the house, but I have learned that what that means is that we are not paying the kind of attention to her that she wants or she doesn't like what we are watching or doing... Example: One night per week we all read with music on, not talking just being together... she says she especially doesn't feel wanted on these nights, because her eye sight stops her from being able to read, she wants us to stop our family night to do what she wants.. You know when your parent lives elsewhere and you can visit with them it's very different then having them live with you, perhaps have your husband spend 1 evening a week with his mom for special mother son time.

It's so easy to just tell someone to change their "attitude" when they are on the outside, not living with the day to day pressure of having a parent to care for. Courage67 my heart goes out to you, I know how difficult this can be, hang tough find some time for yourself even if it's twenty minutes in the bathroom. :)

I wonder if the last post - Action-Reaction has ever had someone live with her that expects her and her family to be completely responsible for their happiness, 24 hours per day - especially someone who will do nothing to help themselves. This Mother in Law is 64 not 90, is able to work and should be somewhat thankful that this daughter in law has taken her in and shared her home with her. They have family dinner every night together - more time then most children spend with their parents. Attitude goes both ways and this MIL should take some responsibility for her own social life and happiness.

Oh and yes I do know what I'm talking about, my mother has lived with us for well over 20 years and my gracious husband and son have dealt with these same issues most of that time, more so as she has gotten older. I love my mother but it's difficult to share your home with another "mother." My mom tells me that she too doesn't always feel "wanted" in our part of the house, but I have learned that what that means is that we are not paying the kind of attention to her that she wants or she doesn't like what we are watching or doing... Example: One night per week we all read with music on, not talking just being together... she says she especially doesn't feel wanted on these nights, because her eye sight stops her from being able to read, she wants us to stop our family night to do what she wants.. You know when your parent lives elsewhere and you can visit with them it's very different then having them live with you, perhaps have your husband spend 1 evening a week with his mom for special mother son time.

It's so easy to just tell someone to change their "attitude" when they are on the outside, not living with the day to day pressure of having a parent to care for. Courage67 my heart goes out to you, I know how difficult this can be, hang tough find some time for yourself even if it's twenty minutes in the bathroom. :)

I want to thank the last two writers because what you shared is totally true. My attitude is bad right now and I am not a good actress with skills to hide it. I don't want to project negative energy out into the world to anyone especially family. Just recently I have started therapy in order to learn better skills at handling life's issues. At least I know that I will have more control over that aspect of my life. As for the other writer, what I thought would happen before she moved in is not extactly what happened. I don't think I realized what actually might happen. My mother in law is a mother and I think at times would love to have a family enivornment similar to when her children were young. Since her 2 other boys are grown up and on their own, she now looks to my family to redefine herself. Thank you!

I want to thank the last two writers because what you shared is totally true. My attitude is bad right now and I am not a good actress with skills to hide it. I don't want to project negative energy out into the world to anyone especially family. Just recently I have started therapy in order to learn better skills at handling life's issues. At least I know that I will have more control over that aspect of my life. As for the other writer, what I thought would happen before she moved in is not extactly what happened. I don't think I realized what actually might happen. My mother in law is a mother and I think at times would love to have a family enivornment similar to when her children were young. Since her 2 other boys are grown up and on their own, she now looks to my family to redefine herself. Thank you!

Sounds like you need a big ol' bear hug. Here goes...get it? Always know that You are not alone. There are others -- like you, like me-- that do understand how rough caregiving for one's parent(s) can be. Do not fall into the trap of demanding perfection from yourself. You need to allow yourself to be and feel human, as well as start planning time for you -- and you alone. Do whatever you have to do to maintain your personal sanity. If you don't, you will feel increasingly more miserable and rundown, and you might even have a (God-forbid) nervous breakdown. Courage67, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sounds like you need a big ol' bear hug. Here goes...get it? Always know that You are not alone. There are others -- like you, like me-- that do understand how rough caregiving for one's parent(s) can be. Do not fall into the trap of demanding perfection from yourself. You need to allow yourself to be and feel human, as well as start planning time for you -- and you alone. Do whatever you have to do to maintain your personal sanity. If you don't, you will feel increasingly more miserable and rundown, and you might even have a (God-forbid) nervous breakdown. Courage67, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you!

Thank you!

Your story is sad. But i must tell you something. I have taken care of my mother-im=n law for a year and a half. She has dimentia. Her childen hardly even spend more than a couple of hours a week. One does a little more than that but not with intentions of loving her. They only wait for her money. I myself don't want any I just want her to know she is loved. I read the bible to her and try to keep her spirits up by playing anything that makes her keep her mind . My own wife leaves for 3 to 5 days a week because she can't handle it, but she doesn't mind spending her money. I stayed because she needed love. She has 5 siblings but none of them show up but maybe twice in a year. I read the bible to her every chance I can but she can't understand why her own children don't love her. I do. Money. If she had nothing I would be the only person in the world who would be here. You are lucky. She has you and her family. look for the good and you will find real love. You wouldn't have written if you didn't. You will be blessed by your husband and your children. That is what true love is. Would you be able to handle it if your family turned the other cheek? Show her love and she will respond. Don't think about yourself because if you do you will get it back 10 fold. Bring her a flower. tell her you love her. The heart does weird things. your love will bring joy to everyone. Don't think it is against you. People have reasons for the selfishness they express. Otherwise you and I are both wrong and you should walk away until you are appreciated. but love conquers all. I wish i had a family that could give more than they take. You obviosly don't want to take. So give the love you have given by just asking others. You will be rewarded for your deeds someday. It may be your husband, it may be your children, it may be a stranger, or it may be God. You are already blessed by trying to find a answer. Now give yourself what you need. Get up tomorrow smell a flower, smile at someone who might need it, or just pamper yourself and remember you are a wonderful person for giving the love that you yourself deserve. My prayers are with you.

Your story is sad. But i must tell you something. I have taken care of my mother-im=n law for a year and a half. She has dimentia. Her childen hardly even spend more than a couple of hours a week. One does a little more than that but not with intentions of loving her. They only wait for her money. I myself don't want any I just want her to know she is loved. I read the bible to her and try to keep her spirits up by playing anything that makes her keep her mind . My own wife leaves for 3 to 5 days a week because she can't handle it, but she doesn't mind spending her money. I stayed because she needed love. She has 5 siblings but none of them show up but maybe twice in a year. I read the bible to her every chance I can but she can't understand why her own children don't love her. I do. Money. If she had nothing I would be the only person in the world who would be here. You are lucky. She has you and her family. look for the good and you will find real love. You wouldn't have written if you didn't. You will be blessed by your husband and your children. That is what true love is. Would you be able to handle it if your family turned the other cheek? Show her love and she will respond. Don't think about yourself because if you do you will get it back 10 fold. Bring her a flower. tell her you love her. The heart does weird things. your love will bring joy to everyone. Don't think it is against you. People have reasons for the selfishness they express. Otherwise you and I are both wrong and you should walk away until you are appreciated. but love conquers all. I wish i had a family that could give more than they take. You obviosly don't want to take. So give the love you have given by just asking others. You will be rewarded for your deeds someday. It may be your husband, it may be your children, it may be a stranger, or it may be God. You are already blessed by trying to find a answer. Now give yourself what you need. Get up tomorrow smell a flower, smile at someone who might need it, or just pamper yourself and remember you are a wonderful person for giving the love that you yourself deserve. My prayers are with you.

Hello Jnycat, I can tell from your reply that you are a Christian. You are a giving and loving person. You turn to God for guidance. I can hear it in your words. That was a wonderful answer you posted. It is so hard being a care giver. I know, cause I am one too. The weird part of this is that my MIL never liked me. I have been married to her son for 47 years and she was a selfish person . She was very possessive of her eldest son and that is how it started and I never seemed to be able to please her. Well, her other son passed away at age 50. Her eldest son and the wife she resented is now taking care of her. I am sure we have been the talk of the family because everyone expected me to say "no way" is she coing to live with us. But, I could not do that. My husband and I took care of my father until he passed. The difference being, my family always made my husband feel like he was a son, a brother instead of a son-in-law and he responded with love and affection for them.
Anyway, this has been a hard road to go down for the past year. The dementia is getting worse.(but the agressive, paranoia and being accused of stealing has stopped (thank goodness for a good neurologist and medication) One good thing, I was able to let out all my frustrations when she first came here and the good part of it was that she doesn't remember all the things I said to her. I felt guilty for awhile until someone told me, well, she will not remember. LOL But, it sure released some stress from me. Anyway, this past Easter my husband and I got saved and now we seem to be able to deal with issues so much better. God is good. Hugs to you... Janet

Hello Jnycat, I can tell from your reply that you are a Christian. You are a giving and loving person. You turn to God for guidance. I can hear it in your words. That was a wonderful answer you posted. It is so hard being a care giver. I know, cause I am one too. The weird part of this is that my MIL never liked me. I have been married to her son for 47 years and she was a selfish person . She was very possessive of her eldest son and that is how it started and I never seemed to be able to please her. Well, her other son passed away at age 50. Her eldest son and the wife she resented is now taking care of her. I am sure we have been the talk of the family because everyone expected me to say "no way" is she coing to live with us. But, I could not do that. My husband and I took care of my father until he passed. The difference being, my family always made my husband feel like he was a son, a brother instead of a son-in-law and he responded with love and affection for them.
Anyway, this has been a hard road to go down for the past year. The dementia is getting worse.(but the agressive, paranoia and being accused of stealing has stopped (thank goodness for a good neurologist and medication) One good thing, I was able to let out all my frustrations when she first came here and the good part of it was that she doesn't remember all the things I said to her. I felt guilty for awhile until someone told me, well, she will not remember. LOL But, it sure released some stress from me. Anyway, this past Easter my husband and I got saved and now we seem to be able to deal with issues so much better. God is good. Hugs to you... Janet

An update: I decided to start seeing a therapist and she is great. SO many things that I have read about on this website is what she talks about in our sessions. One of the things that I have realized is that I hardly ever do anything for myself. I am busy but most of my activities are based around my family, home, work or my kids. Nothing just for myself.

I have also tried to work on not feeling guilty because I ask for things for myself. I am very proud because recently I joined a yoga class. I have only gone to one class but I am excited. When I told my husband, he wondered why I wanted to take the class. To be frank, I am getting tired of all of the people in my house including my husband. I love them, but you can only spend so much time around the same people. It is also helping with me dealing with my mother in law. I can't control her actions but I can control mine.

I know this isn't mountain moving but it's a great first step for me!

An update: I decided to start seeing a therapist and she is great. SO many things that I have read about on this website is what she talks about in our sessions. One of the things that I have realized is that I hardly ever do anything for myself. I am busy but most of my activities are based around my family, home, work or my kids. Nothing just for myself.

I have also tried to work on not feeling guilty because I ask for things for myself. I am very proud because recently I joined a yoga class. I have only gone to one class but I am excited. When I told my husband, he wondered why I wanted to take the class. To be frank, I am getting tired of all of the people in my house including my husband. I love them, but you can only spend so much time around the same people. It is also helping with me dealing with my mother in law. I can't control her actions but I can control mine.

I know this isn't mountain moving but it's a great first step for me!

Hi, \Get her some audio books. She won't be able to hear the music everyone else is listening to, but at least she can enjoy a good book.

Hi, \Get her some audio books. She won't be able to hear the music everyone else is listening to, but at least she can enjoy a good book.

There are times that changing your attitude will make a difference, but it depends on the motivation of those around you. Some will react positively to kind thoughts and words. Others operate out of a passive-agressive mode and aren't going to change.

Cherish yourself as others are unable to do. Relish your yoga class. Have a night out with your women friends.

I have a friend, "Sue" who was suffering in caring for her mother. "Sue", her husband and her then teenaged son had moved into her mother's home to care for her in her last days. SEVENTEEN YEARS later her mother had pretty much decided to sit down and do nothing. Ruined back and ruined knees later, paid assistants were added to the mix. Mom insisted on calling for "Sue" even when the assistants were there. She eventually ran out of money for aides and placed her in a nursing facility with Medicaid. Mom is gone now.

I helped by getting her out of the house and helping her focus on recharging her batteries.

So put you right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder and squeeze - my hug for you.

There are times that changing your attitude will make a difference, but it depends on the motivation of those around you. Some will react positively to kind thoughts and words. Others operate out of a passive-agressive mode and aren't going to change.

Cherish yourself as others are unable to do. Relish your yoga class. Have a night out with your women friends.

I have a friend, "Sue" who was suffering in caring for her mother. "Sue", her husband and her then teenaged son had moved into her mother's home to care for her in her last days. SEVENTEEN YEARS later her mother had pretty much decided to sit down and do nothing. Ruined back and ruined knees later, paid assistants were added to the mix. Mom insisted on calling for "Sue" even when the assistants were there. She eventually ran out of money for aides and placed her in a nursing facility with Medicaid. Mom is gone now.

I helped by getting her out of the house and helping her focus on recharging her batteries.

So put you right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder and squeeze - my hug for you.

Congratulations on these very important first steps. First steps are always the hardest!

Congratulations on these very important first steps. First steps are always the hardest!

I came to this site because I was searching for ways to deal with a similar issue. My husband and I are newlyweds, and moved into our new house a month before we were married, almost 9 months ago. My MIL moved in pretty much right away, we probably only lived in the house alone for a week or two before she got there. She moved here from the west coast, where she has been living alone for the past 20 years or so. She and her husband were divorced when my husband was about 8 years old and she has not been in a romantic relationship since. She is a nurse and was miserable with her job in LA, so my husband and I jointly recommended she move to the east coast to be closer to us and to her family in Belgium. We did not set a time limit on her actually living in our house because we weren't sure how long it would take her to find a job here and if she would even be happy here. That was a mistake. She has had a job for probably 5 or 6 months now and makes very good money. She works from 7am-4pm and gets home before I do every day. She does not do anything unless we invite her to do something with us, otherwise, she will sit on the couch and watch tv all day. She helps around the house, but at this point, we don't need it. We are newlyweds and I want to take care of my husband and our house. She is 60 years old, completely healthy and making good money, so there is no reason that she shouldn't get her own apartment nearby. We literally do not get time alone in the house unless we are in our bedroom. I understand what everyone has been saying about her needing to define herself and feel that she is helping, but at what point do I get to define myself and be the wife I've always wanted to be? I'm trying so hard to stay positive and make this work as long as I need to for the sake of my husband and my marriage, but I'm losing it. I pray every day for help from God, and I know He will do what is best for us, but I don't know what to do in the meantime to maintain my sanity when I go home every day. I cry so much and my husband doesn't understand, he just gets frustrated and angry and says things like, "Fine, let's just kick her out on the streets, is that what you want?" Which is clearly not what I want at all. I know he's struggling with this too and when we've tried to gently raise the issue of her moving out, she cried and said she felt like she was getting kicked out, so my husband is afraid to bring it up again with her. She made a comment to someone about this living situation being temporary, so that was great news, but there has been no talk of looking for an apartment and no evidence whatsoever of that happening soon. I can't bring it up with my husband anymore because all we do is fight. It is tearing me apart and all I wanted to do was help her, which I still want to do, but there has got to be a better way than this. She probably has a good 20-30 years left in her and I can't help but fear that my own kids (which we don't have yet) will move out before she does.

I came to this site because I was searching for ways to deal with a similar issue. My husband and I are newlyweds, and moved into our new house a month before we were married, almost 9 months ago. My MIL moved in pretty much right away, we probably only lived in the house alone for a week or two before she got there. She moved here from the west coast, where she has been living alone for the past 20 years or so. She and her husband were divorced when my husband was about 8 years old and she has not been in a romantic relationship since. She is a nurse and was miserable with her job in LA, so my husband and I jointly recommended she move to the east coast to be closer to us and to her family in Belgium. We did not set a time limit on her actually living in our house because we weren't sure how long it would take her to find a job here and if she would even be happy here. That was a mistake. She has had a job for probably 5 or 6 months now and makes very good money. She works from 7am-4pm and gets home before I do every day. She does not do anything unless we invite her to do something with us, otherwise, she will sit on the couch and watch tv all day. She helps around the house, but at this point, we don't need it. We are newlyweds and I want to take care of my husband and our house. She is 60 years old, completely healthy and making good money, so there is no reason that she shouldn't get her own apartment nearby. We literally do not get time alone in the house unless we are in our bedroom. I understand what everyone has been saying about her needing to define herself and feel that she is helping, but at what point do I get to define myself and be the wife I've always wanted to be? I'm trying so hard to stay positive and make this work as long as I need to for the sake of my husband and my marriage, but I'm losing it. I pray every day for help from God, and I know He will do what is best for us, but I don't know what to do in the meantime to maintain my sanity when I go home every day. I cry so much and my husband doesn't understand, he just gets frustrated and angry and says things like, "Fine, let's just kick her out on the streets, is that what you want?" Which is clearly not what I want at all. I know he's struggling with this too and when we've tried to gently raise the issue of her moving out, she cried and said she felt like she was getting kicked out, so my husband is afraid to bring it up again with her. She made a comment to someone about this living situation being temporary, so that was great news, but there has been no talk of looking for an apartment and no evidence whatsoever of that happening soon. I can't bring it up with my husband anymore because all we do is fight. It is tearing me apart and all I wanted to do was help her, which I still want to do, but there has got to be a better way than this. She probably has a good 20-30 years left in her and I can't help but fear that my own kids (which we don't have yet) will move out before she does.