Need advice for long distance care
Here are facts:
Mother has Moderate Dementia
Father is Primary Caregiver and active alcoholic deeply resentful of caregiving
I am an only child, due to have my first baby in 2 months with high risk pregnancy and live thousands of miles away.
My mother has worshipped her family her whole life and they, in return, want nothing to do with her.
Nonetheless, after I scheduled long distance a cognitive evaluation last year (my dad had not taken her to a doctor in 3 years) my dad flipped out on hearing that the memory issue was only going to get worse. Packed them up and moved them to the middle of nowhere in a home to be "near her family" who they have, after one year, barely seen at all, which is no surprise to me.
The only family member who shows interest is really after my mothers possesions, and my father who would anyone at all to relieve him of taking care of my mother is more than happy to have her involved.
So, now I am 7 months pregnant and I am informed that my father plans to "get rid of all the junk" in our family home, sell it, and move with my mother permanently to the middle of nowhere, near toxic family. Geographically alone it will be almost impossible to visit, psychologically it will be dangerous for me as well. I have tried every solution, homes near me, letting him know there is plenty of caretaking where they currently live, on and on. It doesn't matter, he wants to do what he wants to do. He hasn't even taken her to have a formal evaluation, only to a GP but that was enough for him. He also has done NOTHING to protect me or my mother if something God Forbid happen to him, not even HIPAA. Should I get a lawyer here to help me? I am at a loss and so depressed and so angry that I want to feel the joy of having my first baby and all this is happening. And I feel mostly terribly scared and depressed and helpless. No one in my immediate friends or family seem to have any advice they are at a loss.
Need advice for long distance care
Here are facts:
Mother has Moderate Dementia
Father is Primary Caregiver and active alcoholic deeply resentful of caregiving
I am an only child, due to have my first baby in 2 months with high risk pregnancy and live thousands of miles away.
My mother has worshipped her family her whole life and they, in return, want nothing to do with her.
Nonetheless, after I scheduled long distance a cognitive evaluation last year (my dad had not taken her to a doctor in 3 years) my dad flipped out on hearing that the memory issue was only going to get worse. Packed them up and moved them to the middle of nowhere in a home to be "near her family" who they have, after one year, barely seen at all, which is no surprise to me.
The only family member who shows interest is really after my mothers possesions, and my father who would anyone at all to relieve him of taking care of my mother is more than happy to have her involved.
So, now I am 7 months pregnant and I am informed that my father plans to "get rid of all the junk" in our family home, sell it, and move with my mother permanently to the middle of nowhere, near toxic family. Geographically alone it will be almost impossible to visit, psychologically it will be dangerous for me as well. I have tried every solution, homes near me, letting him know there is plenty of caretaking where they currently live, on and on. It doesn't matter, he wants to do what he wants to do. He hasn't even taken her to have a formal evaluation, only to a GP but that was enough for him. He also has done NOTHING to protect me or my mother if something God Forbid happen to him, not even HIPAA. Should I get a lawyer here to help me? I am at a loss and so depressed and so angry that I want to feel the joy of having my first baby and all this is happening. And I feel mostly terribly scared and depressed and helpless. No one in my immediate friends or family seem to have any advice they are at a loss.
I do think that your best bet would be to get an ELDER attorney, but they aren't cheap. But they would be good for getting you durable power of attorney for medical and financial decisions. If you can't afford an attorney, I would contact Adult Protective Services or the Council on Aging in your parents area and file a complaint. They will check on her welfare and make a determination. There are also Professional Care Managers, but there again they are expensive.
I do think that your best bet would be to get an ELDER attorney, but they aren't cheap. But they would be good for getting you durable power of attorney for medical and financial decisions. If you can't afford an attorney, I would contact Adult Protective Services or the Council on Aging in your parents area and file a complaint. They will check on her welfare and make a determination. There are also Professional Care Managers, but there again they are expensive.
Let try a little reverse psychology: Tell him you, while you disagree with his actions, you will support him in decision. Do do whatever you can to say in the loop with him. Everytime you hear about a new doctor or a hospitalization, contact them on your own, and let them know, I am their daughter, if they need anything, please contact you, and give them your contact info. Then if something happens to him, hopefully a doctor will contact you. At which point you can take over his and her care.
If the toxic family interferes, remember the govern values blood kin over in-laws, etc.
maybe you can do nothing, its a slow diesease. raise you child the best you know how and wait for your chance.
Let try a little reverse psychology: Tell him you, while you disagree with his actions, you will support him in decision. Do do whatever you can to say in the loop with him. Everytime you hear about a new doctor or a hospitalization, contact them on your own, and let them know, I am their daughter, if they need anything, please contact you, and give them your contact info. Then if something happens to him, hopefully a doctor will contact you. At which point you can take over his and her care.
If the toxic family interferes, remember the govern values blood kin over in-laws, etc.
maybe you can do nothing, its a slow diesease. raise you child the best you know how and wait for your chance.
First, congradulations you are going to be a MOM. I take it, sense you have not referred to either as a step parent, their relationship has a long history. Issues that did not spring up overnight. Issues that are not going to be resolved before you give birth. Have you talked with the other family members? Did you feel by your parents moving away you lost a vital support system for your baby? Your baby should come first. Focus on what you need to do to have a safe and healthy delivery.
First, congradulations you are going to be a MOM. I take it, sense you have not referred to either as a step parent, their relationship has a long history. Issues that did not spring up overnight. Issues that are not going to be resolved before you give birth. Have you talked with the other family members? Did you feel by your parents moving away you lost a vital support system for your baby? Your baby should come first. Focus on what you need to do to have a safe and healthy delivery.