I PERSONALLY HAVE WORKED IN NURSING CARE FOR 14 YEARS AND HAVE SEEN ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE ON HOSPICE, AND THE AIDES DO GET ATTACHED TO THE RESIDENT WHOMS ON HOSPICE, YES IT IS AN AWFUL SIGHT TO SEE AND GO THREW, BUT YOU NO SOMETHING THE PEOPLE WHO DOES THE HOSPICE CARE ARE SO COMPASIONATE THEY REALLY DO HELP THE DYING PERSON IN NEED, AND I MY SELF HAVE ALSO DONE IT AS WELL AND I CANT THINK OF ANY OTHER TYPE OF JOB TO DO. YOU DID WHATS RIGHT FOR YOUR MOTHER AND GOT HER HELP SHE JUST WAS AT THE END OF HER LIFE AND STAGE SHE HAD TO GO THREW. LET THE EASE OF GUILT GO ITS BY NO MEANS YOUR FAULT OF WHAT HAPPENED TO HER SHE JUST COULDNT HOLD ON NO LONGER, THINK OF IT THIS WAY YOU HAVE HELPED HER REACH HER FINAL GOAL AND DESTINATION.

I PERSONALLY HAVE WORKED IN NURSING CARE FOR 14 YEARS AND HAVE SEEN ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE ON HOSPICE, AND THE AIDES DO GET ATTACHED TO THE RESIDENT WHOMS ON HOSPICE, YES IT IS AN AWFUL SIGHT TO SEE AND GO THREW, BUT YOU NO SOMETHING THE PEOPLE WHO DOES THE HOSPICE CARE ARE SO COMPASIONATE THEY REALLY DO HELP THE DYING PERSON IN NEED, AND I MY SELF HAVE ALSO DONE IT AS WELL AND I CANT THINK OF ANY OTHER TYPE OF JOB TO DO. YOU DID WHATS RIGHT FOR YOUR MOTHER AND GOT HER HELP SHE JUST WAS AT THE END OF HER LIFE AND STAGE SHE HAD TO GO THREW. LET THE EASE OF GUILT GO ITS BY NO MEANS YOUR FAULT OF WHAT HAPPENED TO HER SHE JUST COULDNT HOLD ON NO LONGER, THINK OF IT THIS WAY YOU HAVE HELPED HER REACH HER FINAL GOAL AND DESTINATION.

I would love to give you advice and say, "Don't have guilt. It wasn't your fault, you were helpless in the situation.", but you already know this. I don't think my reply will at all be helpful, as my mother also suffered a similar situation. In the end, she was in diapers, unable to move, relying on me to turn her this way and that every few hours to avoid bed sores. It was humiliating for her that I changed her. She was in a lot of pain, something had ruptured, and she was bleeding from her vagina, sometimes a lot. She quit eating and drinking for the last week. I got a hospice doctor (I asked him to take off his "hospice hat" and consider hospitalization) to come; we inserted a slow dripping needle with a saline solution to keep her hydrated. I had paramedics come and consulted on the telephone with a regular doctor, they all said the same thing -- not to send her to the hospital. I watched her starve and bleed to death and did virtually nothing to stop it. I gave her 24 / 7 care that last week; hospice nurses said they had not seen someone hang on so long, and I had to tell her it was okay to die. She died 3 hours later after I did that. This was almost exactly a year ago, and I still have guilt from my helplessness, from not having moved her from an assisted living facility in time to prevent the fall that started a 3 month long death journey. I ask myself, "What if I had . . .?", "Why didn't I . . . ?" every day, but it doesn't bring the love of my life back. She is gone, I was not and am not God, and I wasn't perfect in my care, but my core self was loving and caring. My relative looked at me yesterday and said, "You sure carry a lot of guilt, don't you?" Perhaps it is a way to stay connected to my mother, but it is not healthy or productive. If my mother could return, I'm sure she would tell me that I did all I could, that this was the painful process of death and dementia, and that she knows I loved her. She would also tell me that it is time to let go of the guilt, and that letting go of it doesn't mean forgetting about her. It means making something of the gift of life that she gave me, and right now, moving forward is the best way I can continue showing her love. Does any of this make sense? I am still guilty on a daily basis, but I know this is self-harm that my mother would never wish upon me. I have to move forward in order to honor her. You have to do the same with your life, in due time, in order to respect and honor the love between you and your mother.

I would love to give you advice and say, "Don't have guilt. It wasn't your fault, you were helpless in the situation.", but you already know this. I don't think my reply will at all be helpful, as my mother also suffered a similar situation. In the end, she was in diapers, unable to move, relying on me to turn her this way and that every few hours to avoid bed sores. It was humiliating for her that I changed her. She was in a lot of pain, something had ruptured, and she was bleeding from her vagina, sometimes a lot. She quit eating and drinking for the last week. I got a hospice doctor (I asked him to take off his "hospice hat" and consider hospitalization) to come; we inserted a slow dripping needle with a saline solution to keep her hydrated. I had paramedics come and consulted on the telephone with a regular doctor, they all said the same thing -- not to send her to the hospital. I watched her starve and bleed to death and did virtually nothing to stop it. I gave her 24 / 7 care that last week; hospice nurses said they had not seen someone hang on so long, and I had to tell her it was okay to die. She died 3 hours later after I did that. This was almost exactly a year ago, and I still have guilt from my helplessness, from not having moved her from an assisted living facility in time to prevent the fall that started a 3 month long death journey. I ask myself, "What if I had . . .?", "Why didn't I . . . ?" every day, but it doesn't bring the love of my life back. She is gone, I was not and am not God, and I wasn't perfect in my care, but my core self was loving and caring. My relative looked at me yesterday and said, "You sure carry a lot of guilt, don't you?" Perhaps it is a way to stay connected to my mother, but it is not healthy or productive. If my mother could return, I'm sure she would tell me that I did all I could, that this was the painful process of death and dementia, and that she knows I loved her. She would also tell me that it is time to let go of the guilt, and that letting go of it doesn't mean forgetting about her. It means making something of the gift of life that she gave me, and right now, moving forward is the best way I can continue showing her love. Does any of this make sense? I am still guilty on a daily basis, but I know this is self-harm that my mother would never wish upon me. I have to move forward in order to honor her. You have to do the same with your life, in due time, in order to respect and honor the love between you and your mother.

I understand completely the guilt you are feeling. I,too, watched my mom ever so slowly leave this world to pass through to the next...her heavenly home. My guilt, however, wasn't the fact that she simply couldn't swallow anymore nor could she have intravenous feeding or hydration. I did my best in giving her ice chips & when she could no longer tolerate that I used the sponge dipped in water. She soon, however, closed her mouth tightly & refused even that. She could not speak, yet I knew she heard me. I was amazed with the lack of food & water she was able to continue on. Truly she was at that point cradled in the Merciful Arms of God. My guilt is that her last breath was isolated. She died alone. For 9 days, morning, noon & evening, I sat with her,(cleaned, fed, whispered in her ear & kissed & hugged her), yet...she passed on without me. I have to believe that the angels of God escorted her onward & upward. I did not have Hospice because I already had a "team" that assisted me & who knew my mom. However, if I didn't have them, I would have had Hospice. They are so compassionate & thorough. They know exactly what needs to be done & they also know what the caregiver is going through. They are angels here on earth. What I did learn from reading a booklet that Hospice puts out that the person who is dying, their body starts a preparation to "pass over." That could take from a week to a couple of months. It was a difficult time & I understand what your feeling. Just know that your not alone.

I understand completely the guilt you are feeling. I,too, watched my mom ever so slowly leave this world to pass through to the next...her heavenly home. My guilt, however, wasn't the fact that she simply couldn't swallow anymore nor could she have intravenous feeding or hydration. I did my best in giving her ice chips & when she could no longer tolerate that I used the sponge dipped in water. She soon, however, closed her mouth tightly & refused even that. She could not speak, yet I knew she heard me. I was amazed with the lack of food & water she was able to continue on. Truly she was at that point cradled in the Merciful Arms of God. My guilt is that her last breath was isolated. She died alone. For 9 days, morning, noon & evening, I sat with her,(cleaned, fed, whispered in her ear & kissed & hugged her), yet...she passed on without me. I have to believe that the angels of God escorted her onward & upward. I did not have Hospice because I already had a "team" that assisted me & who knew my mom. However, if I didn't have them, I would have had Hospice. They are so compassionate & thorough. They know exactly what needs to be done & they also know what the caregiver is going through. They are angels here on earth. What I did learn from reading a booklet that Hospice puts out that the person who is dying, their body starts a preparation to "pass over." That could take from a week to a couple of months. It was a difficult time & I understand what your feeling. Just know that your not alone.

Dear Lost in Guilt, Seven years ago, I too watched my beautiful, loving mother die after 58 days without food and 10 days without water. Medical professionals, while highly trained and seemingly supportive, are limited by what they know at the time. Since my mother passed, and I started reading articles and answers on Caring.com about stroke and inability to speak or swallow, I have learned much about survival and possible outcomes. No one asked me what I was observing during the 48 days and nights I sat by her bedside before a pinched water line failed and I had to make a decision only God should make and the final 10 days began. I now advise everyone I know to have the hard conversation with their loved ones, regardless of age, about end of life issues. Antibiotics? Food? Water? Each state has different laws about what will be done for a patient when caregivers are not immediately available at the onset of illness. Hospice informed me this was a very painless way to die, but none of them asked me for observations or explained why starvation and dehydration was considered such a good way to die. I still have times of extreme sadness and guilt, but try to live my life in such a way to bring honor to my mother. Blessings and peace to you.

Dear Lost in Guilt, Seven years ago, I too watched my beautiful, loving mother die after 58 days without food and 10 days without water. Medical professionals, while highly trained and seemingly supportive, are limited by what they know at the time. Since my mother passed, and I started reading articles and answers on Caring.com about stroke and inability to speak or swallow, I have learned much about survival and possible outcomes. No one asked me what I was observing during the 48 days and nights I sat by her bedside before a pinched water line failed and I had to make a decision only God should make and the final 10 days began. I now advise everyone I know to have the hard conversation with their loved ones, regardless of age, about end of life issues. Antibiotics? Food? Water? Each state has different laws about what will be done for a patient when caregivers are not immediately available at the onset of illness. Hospice informed me this was a very painless way to die, but none of them asked me for observations or explained why starvation and dehydration was considered such a good way to die. I still have times of extreme sadness and guilt, but try to live my life in such a way to bring honor to my mother. Blessings and peace to you.

This is exactly what we are going thru right at this moment...My mom was Diagnosed Nov 1st with Lung Cancer...which has spread thru her Lymp Nodes and Brain,,,,She is with Hospice but we are keeping her home..Me My Brother and my Hubby are taking care of her....she now sleeps all the time... has small seizures and has not eaten or drank anything now for 3 days....we wake her to move her and coax her to drink a sip or 2 of ensure...She is no longer talking to us..but we know she knows we are here with her....I feel i am letting her down because we don't know what she wants or needs...we just try to keep her comfortable....I can tell she wants to communicate....i sleep on the couch close enough to her so i can touch her...My Problem is i feel so Guilty just sitting here helplessly watching her Dye....That feeling is Heartwrenching...It is Breaking my Heart and i don't know if i will ever be able to get over the fact that when she looks at me i am letting her down...It does help knowing i;m not the only one going thru this Exact Same Thing...

This is exactly what we are going thru right at this moment...My mom was Diagnosed Nov 1st with Lung Cancer...which has spread thru her Lymp Nodes and Brain,,,,She is with Hospice but we are keeping her home..Me My Brother and my Hubby are taking care of her....she now sleeps all the time... has small seizures and has not eaten or drank anything now for 3 days....we wake her to move her and coax her to drink a sip or 2 of ensure...She is no longer talking to us..but we know she knows we are here with her....I feel i am letting her down because we don't know what she wants or needs...we just try to keep her comfortable....I can tell she wants to communicate....i sleep on the couch close enough to her so i can touch her...My Problem is i feel so Guilty just sitting here helplessly watching her Dye....That feeling is Heartwrenching...It is Breaking my Heart and i don't know if i will ever be able to get over the fact that when she looks at me i am letting her down...It does help knowing i;m not the only one going thru this Exact Same Thing...

Dear Terry...always remember you are not alone!! When you are a caregiver, even though you have family members encouraging & helping you, it's ultimatly between you & your loved one. You are doing everything right for your mom. Death is harder on the ones who are not leaving this world. I used to read to my mom, she loved devotions. Music was another aspect that I knew helped her. I could tell by her breathing & facial expressions. I tried to find the kind of music of her day, Glen Miller, etc..and inspirational music as well. May God give you His Comfort & Strength. Blessings!

Dear Terry...always remember you are not alone!! When you are a caregiver, even though you have family members encouraging & helping you, it's ultimatly between you & your loved one. You are doing everything right for your mom. Death is harder on the ones who are not leaving this world. I used to read to my mom, she loved devotions. Music was another aspect that I knew helped her. I could tell by her breathing & facial expressions. I tried to find the kind of music of her day, Glen Miller, etc..and inspirational music as well. May God give you His Comfort & Strength. Blessings!

I cannot help but feel there's something so wrong with what I'm reading here. Things shouldn't have to be this way - why must our loved ones die this way? Is this because doctors will not help? I don't believe any of us would ever sit and watch a small child of our own go like this. Think about it. They're suffering and in pain - it simply isn't acceptable...

I cannot help but feel there's something so wrong with what I'm reading here. Things shouldn't have to be this way - why must our loved ones die this way? Is this because doctors will not help? I don't believe any of us would ever sit and watch a small child of our own go like this. Think about it. They're suffering and in pain - it simply isn't acceptable...

When my Mom was Diognosed on Nov 1st...We started to talk about what her final wishes were,,,,She absolutly wanted us to do what we are doing...Which is keep her home and let her Die in Bed with her Cat Shilo by her side,,,Shilo lays on her Bed and Snuggles up to her even thou she is out of it most of the time even in her sleep she Strokes her cat....It is an Awesome thing to see,,,We had reservations for a Cruise on Jan 16th That was her Goal to make it to the Cruise Well we Made the Cruise Mom was very Happy that we went But she only enjoyed the 1st 2 days after that it was starting to get difficult she has rapidly Deteriorated since then...By the Way my Mom is 88 she does not want any herioic efforts to save her that is why we have chosen Hospice over taking her back to the Hospital..My Dad has been gone for 25 yrs their Anniversary is Feb 14th valentines day...I'm thinking it would be an awesome memory for us if her ashes could be laid in the ground on that day next to him...God will take her to be reunited with the Love of her Life on their Anniversary...Oh I am just Babbling another Sleepless night its 3 in the Morning and i sit here and cry because i want to see my moms beautiful face lit up with her awesome smile...i want to hear her voice again...instead i just sit here and stare at her and catch myself checking to see if she is still breathing....I.m am sorry for Rambling my brother and my Hubby seem to be able to sleep but i cannot...Once again i am sorry for Rambling on

When my Mom was Diognosed on Nov 1st...We started to talk about what her final wishes were,,,,She absolutly wanted us to do what we are doing...Which is keep her home and let her Die in Bed with her Cat Shilo by her side,,,Shilo lays on her Bed and Snuggles up to her even thou she is out of it most of the time even in her sleep she Strokes her cat....It is an Awesome thing to see,,,We had reservations for a Cruise on Jan 16th That was her Goal to make it to the Cruise Well we Made the Cruise Mom was very Happy that we went But she only enjoyed the 1st 2 days after that it was starting to get difficult she has rapidly Deteriorated since then...By the Way my Mom is 88 she does not want any herioic efforts to save her that is why we have chosen Hospice over taking her back to the Hospital..My Dad has been gone for 25 yrs their Anniversary is Feb 14th valentines day...I'm thinking it would be an awesome memory for us if her ashes could be laid in the ground on that day next to him...God will take her to be reunited with the Love of her Life on their Anniversary...Oh I am just Babbling another Sleepless night its 3 in the Morning and i sit here and cry because i want to see my moms beautiful face lit up with her awesome smile...i want to hear her voice again...instead i just sit here and stare at her and catch myself checking to see if she is still breathing....I.m am sorry for Rambling my brother and my Hubby seem to be able to sleep but i cannot...Once again i am sorry for Rambling on

In regards to my mom...she was neither suffering nor in any pain. Her body was preparing her for the next phase of her life. She was put on low dosages of Morphine every few hours & her expressions allowed me to know what she was feeling. None of us can rush death. My belief is when the Lord calleth...we go. What we can do is create an atmosphere of tenderness, comfort & love.

In regards to my mom...she was neither suffering nor in any pain. Her body was preparing her for the next phase of her life. She was put on low dosages of Morphine every few hours & her expressions allowed me to know what she was feeling. None of us can rush death. My belief is when the Lord calleth...we go. What we can do is create an atmosphere of tenderness, comfort & love.

Terry...your not rambling...your allowing your deepest feelings to emerge. That is far better for you than to supress & keep your thoughts hidden. God knows your heart & you will be blessed. Your a loving daughter & in some way, your mom knows your there. When my mom became totally unresponsive, I knew that she knew I was there. A mother & daughter have a very unique bond. I will pray for you both. Blessings!

Terry...your not rambling...your allowing your deepest feelings to emerge. That is far better for you than to supress & keep your thoughts hidden. God knows your heart & you will be blessed. Your a loving daughter & in some way, your mom knows your there. When my mom became totally unresponsive, I knew that she knew I was there. A mother & daughter have a very unique bond. I will pray for you both. Blessings!

I stand by my question: would you feel the same about having this awesome thing to see and experience were it a child? I realize full well they are at the end of their lives, but in my view that really isn't relevant. My mother-in-law was dying from a massive brain tumor - I'm glad there was a surfeit of morphine, etc. We absolutely cannot comprehend what pain and suffering they may be feeling, and in many cases I believe it is far from a peaceful and blissful passing. IMO

I stand by my question: would you feel the same about having this awesome thing to see and experience were it a child? I realize full well they are at the end of their lives, but in my view that really isn't relevant. My mother-in-law was dying from a massive brain tumor - I'm glad there was a surfeit of morphine, etc. We absolutely cannot comprehend what pain and suffering they may be feeling, and in many cases I believe it is far from a peaceful and blissful passing. IMO

Like our fingerprints....every human being has & will have a different experience in regards to "passing over." I can only speak on what I personally witnessed sitting with my mom upon her death bed at the age of 92. Regarding a child's impending death,I have never had to experience that. My dear mother lived her life graciously & was a blessing to many. When I think of a child, I think they are just beginning their life. I have a daughter who is 28 & I can't even imagine losing her. Yet...God is the one in Control. He giveth life & He taketh it away...all according to His Holy & Perfect Will.

Like our fingerprints....every human being has & will have a different experience in regards to "passing over." I can only speak on what I personally witnessed sitting with my mom upon her death bed at the age of 92. Regarding a child's impending death,I have never had to experience that. My dear mother lived her life graciously & was a blessing to many. When I think of a child, I think they are just beginning their life. I have a daughter who is 28 & I can't even imagine losing her. Yet...God is the one in Control. He giveth life & He taketh it away...all according to His Holy & Perfect Will.

Hospice Nurse Just Left...They are putting Mom on Morphine...The Thing now is to just Comfortable....

Hospice Nurse Just Left...They are putting Mom on Morphine...The Thing now is to just Comfortable....

My mother went to assisted living in 2005 when we all recognized she was having Sundowner's. The dementia and Parkinson's advanced until she didn't know me. She was smart and had purchased long term care insurance. It was wonderful to have it. She remained in assisted living then in a nursing home until the insurance expired (four years). I was lucky and got the opportunity to retire early. I saw this as a sign that it was meant for me to bring Mama to live with me. We had 5 months together. Her frailty was so advanced she didn't know me...couldn't stand, walk, dress herself, feed herself or even turn over in bed. I did everything for her as if she was a 110 pound infant. I did it to the best of my ability. I must admit that sometimes I resented the confinement and obligation but other times I recognized how much she needed me and cared for her with love and compassion. When she aspirated and we were told she could no longer swallow, it was apparent a feeding tube was the only option. She told us many times in the days when she was mentally alert that she did not want artificial means to prolong her life. We honored that wish but it was so difficult. Hospice helped us keep her comfortable but that involved mostly drugs. She was unconscious but I guess that is good. They bathed and dressed her and monitored her decline for 10 days. I had always expected to go to her room one morning and find she had peacefully passed away in her sleep. But we were not lucky enough to be spared the trauma of watching her slowly waste away from dehydration and starvation. I have guilt feeling enough was not done to help her live on but she was 95 and was so physically and mentally compromised that in my mind I know we did for her what she wished. However, my mind can't convince my heart that we did the right thing. I'm just hoping that time will heal the guilt and grief.

My mother went to assisted living in 2005 when we all recognized she was having Sundowner's. The dementia and Parkinson's advanced until she didn't know me. She was smart and had purchased long term care insurance. It was wonderful to have it. She remained in assisted living then in a nursing home until the insurance expired (four years). I was lucky and got the opportunity to retire early. I saw this as a sign that it was meant for me to bring Mama to live with me. We had 5 months together. Her frailty was so advanced she didn't know me...couldn't stand, walk, dress herself, feed herself or even turn over in bed. I did everything for her as if she was a 110 pound infant. I did it to the best of my ability. I must admit that sometimes I resented the confinement and obligation but other times I recognized how much she needed me and cared for her with love and compassion. When she aspirated and we were told she could no longer swallow, it was apparent a feeding tube was the only option. She told us many times in the days when she was mentally alert that she did not want artificial means to prolong her life. We honored that wish but it was so difficult. Hospice helped us keep her comfortable but that involved mostly drugs. She was unconscious but I guess that is good. They bathed and dressed her and monitored her decline for 10 days. I had always expected to go to her room one morning and find she had peacefully passed away in her sleep. But we were not lucky enough to be spared the trauma of watching her slowly waste away from dehydration and starvation. I have guilt feeling enough was not done to help her live on but she was 95 and was so physically and mentally compromised that in my mind I know we did for her what she wished. However, my mind can't convince my heart that we did the right thing. I'm just hoping that time will heal the guilt and grief.

A light bulb went off in my head when I read ???'s (anonymous)response to her / him reading our responses to watching our mothers die. I have always felt that somehow, it seems in many ways, that older seniors are really being harmed when it comes to health care. My experience with both my father and mothers years were one of continually witnessing this phenomenon. When my mother verbally snapped back at a doctor (dementia and withdrawal from benzodiazapines he had over-prescribed), he kicked her out of his office and refused to see her anymore. (This led to severe withdrawal on the weekend and subsequent hospitalization. I later learned that cold-turkey withdrawal from benzo drugs like Lorazepam, Alprazolam, etc. can be fatal!) Later, assisted living places charged $3000+ a month for a studio, bathroom, meals, and medication administration that routinely was screwed up. I visited daily and more, and observed the demeaning of the $8.00 hr. workers that my mother depended upon. I also observed neglect of other residents with dementia, as they couldn't speak for themselves. And in the end, after my mother's fall, the doctors and nurses contacted essentially said, "Let her die." although not in those words. She was fighting for her life all the way through to the end! Reading these passages have reminded me that I brought flowers for her to smell, burned Moroccan oils to remind her of her childhood home (hopefully), massaged her feet, kept her warm, talked gently with love and comfort to her, slept beside her every night, and sought medical advice about the fistula that was causing the blood loss. I did accept that an operation would likely have killed her, but couldn't help but wonder if there was something more that I could be doing, but was not, because I was uninformed. It was painful for me to watch her die, to watch the labored breathing, and the last seconds as she looked in my eyes, and surprisingly spewed out blood. (I never got an answer as to why this happened.) NO, WE WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO OUR CHILDREN!!! Why do we sit by and watch our parents suffer the second-class status of being old and mistreated in the health care / nursing home systems? I feel helpless, as I am one person and cannot change everything. I was alone in care taking (yes, my mother cried and kept yelling for my sister, I called and e-mailed, but of course sister didn't come until after the funeral for money and a troublesome, unfounded lawsuit that is still going; apparently this isn't uncommon in dysfunctional families.)

Death is tough. It seems that both care takers and our loved ones suffer. I can't help but wonder if there could be a system in which care takers and their parents are supported and respected. In my experience, older people, especially ones with dementia, lose their human rights and dignity in the process. This shouldn't happen; like the reader says, we would never do this to our children! I really hope that this discussion is not only a case of care takers processing our pain, but leads to action that changes the way parents are treated at the end of their life.

A light bulb went off in my head when I read ???'s (anonymous)response to her / him reading our responses to watching our mothers die. I have always felt that somehow, it seems in many ways, that older seniors are really being harmed when it comes to health care. My experience with both my father and mothers years were one of continually witnessing this phenomenon. When my mother verbally snapped back at a doctor (dementia and withdrawal from benzodiazapines he had over-prescribed), he kicked her out of his office and refused to see her anymore. (This led to severe withdrawal on the weekend and subsequent hospitalization. I later learned that cold-turkey withdrawal from benzo drugs like Lorazepam, Alprazolam, etc. can be fatal!) Later, assisted living places charged $3000+ a month for a studio, bathroom, meals, and medication administration that routinely was screwed up. I visited daily and more, and observed the demeaning of the $8.00 hr. workers that my mother depended upon. I also observed neglect of other residents with dementia, as they couldn't speak for themselves. And in the end, after my mother's fall, the doctors and nurses contacted essentially said, "Let her die." although not in those words. She was fighting for her life all the way through to the end! Reading these passages have reminded me that I brought flowers for her to smell, burned Moroccan oils to remind her of her childhood home (hopefully), massaged her feet, kept her warm, talked gently with love and comfort to her, slept beside her every night, and sought medical advice about the fistula that was causing the blood loss. I did accept that an operation would likely have killed her, but couldn't help but wonder if there was something more that I could be doing, but was not, because I was uninformed. It was painful for me to watch her die, to watch the labored breathing, and the last seconds as she looked in my eyes, and surprisingly spewed out blood. (I never got an answer as to why this happened.) NO, WE WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO OUR CHILDREN!!! Why do we sit by and watch our parents suffer the second-class status of being old and mistreated in the health care / nursing home systems? I feel helpless, as I am one person and cannot change everything. I was alone in care taking (yes, my mother cried and kept yelling for my sister, I called and e-mailed, but of course sister didn't come until after the funeral for money and a troublesome, unfounded lawsuit that is still going; apparently this isn't uncommon in dysfunctional families.)

Death is tough. It seems that both care takers and our loved ones suffer. I can't help but wonder if there could be a system in which care takers and their parents are supported and respected. In my experience, older people, especially ones with dementia, lose their human rights and dignity in the process. This shouldn't happen; like the reader says, we would never do this to our children! I really hope that this discussion is not only a case of care takers processing our pain, but leads to action that changes the way parents are treated at the end of their life.

Gosh Awitta! You are very right. I know a lot of people don't care for Sarah Palin but I wonder if her warning of death panels is not already in practice. I think the biggest issue we have here is the health care business. They have become so good at their jobs that people live way longer than they did years ago. They have figured out how to give us quantity but quality of life is the sacrifice to longevity. I have no children so I won't have an advocate as Mama had. I'll be at the mercy of the institutional caregivers who are overworked and underpaid. We may have given Mama antibiotics and fluids and overcame the immediate health issue of pneumonia. It would not, however, have addressed the real issue and that was aspiration. The only answer would have been feeding tube which Mama absolutely did not want. My sister's mother-in-law lived three years on a feeding tube and never opened her eyes the entire time. Mama did not want that to happen to her. We respected her wishes. Even on the feeding tube, aspiration is a problem because she could aspirate saliva. Pneumonia would have been a recurring battle. In the end, I wish Mama had passed simply but my sister and I told each other all through her decline that caring for her was not easy and it was hard to the end. I can't neglect the fact she was 95 and lived longer than her parents and all of her siblings. The last couple of years of her life was torturous for her and for us. I didn't want to let her go but she was ready.

Gosh Awitta! You are very right. I know a lot of people don't care for Sarah Palin but I wonder if her warning of death panels is not already in practice. I think the biggest issue we have here is the health care business. They have become so good at their jobs that people live way longer than they did years ago. They have figured out how to give us quantity but quality of life is the sacrifice to longevity. I have no children so I won't have an advocate as Mama had. I'll be at the mercy of the institutional caregivers who are overworked and underpaid. We may have given Mama antibiotics and fluids and overcame the immediate health issue of pneumonia. It would not, however, have addressed the real issue and that was aspiration. The only answer would have been feeding tube which Mama absolutely did not want. My sister's mother-in-law lived three years on a feeding tube and never opened her eyes the entire time. Mama did not want that to happen to her. We respected her wishes. Even on the feeding tube, aspiration is a problem because she could aspirate saliva. Pneumonia would have been a recurring battle. In the end, I wish Mama had passed simply but my sister and I told each other all through her decline that caring for her was not easy and it was hard to the end. I can't neglect the fact she was 95 and lived longer than her parents and all of her siblings. The last couple of years of her life was torturous for her and for us. I didn't want to let her go but she was ready.

I needed to hear from all of you and realize I was not alone in my feelings of helplessness and guilt. I am so sorry to have caused all of you to relive what you went through or are going through. After reading all these posts I feel that we all did what we believed to be best for our loved ones. All of us have so much love and we have to understand somehow that the decisions we made were in love. God blessed me in allowing me to be with my mom when she passed and for all of you who wonder, she passed so peacefully looking right at me. She finally had peace. I just believe there should be a better way for the dying to pass other than dehydration and starving. One thing I did learn was that no matter what we decide God is in control not us.

I needed to hear from all of you and realize I was not alone in my feelings of helplessness and guilt. I am so sorry to have caused all of you to relive what you went through or are going through. After reading all these posts I feel that we all did what we believed to be best for our loved ones. All of us have so much love and we have to understand somehow that the decisions we made were in love. God blessed me in allowing me to be with my mom when she passed and for all of you who wonder, she passed so peacefully looking right at me. She finally had peace. I just believe there should be a better way for the dying to pass other than dehydration and starving. One thing I did learn was that no matter what we decide God is in control not us.

I feel as though your situation was a mirror situation of mine. Maybe that will help us both to understand that we could not do anything different than we did and everything we did was out of our love for them. I realize now how many more people are going through making these decisions and then wondering if it was the right decision. I believe I made the right decision, I just wish it didn't have to be so difficult to watch. I can only tell you that I put myself in my mom's position and know I would not have wanted to be on a feeding tube. Hopefully one day I will let go of the guilt and be able to remember how wonderful she was in life and not remember this horrible disease.

I feel as though your situation was a mirror situation of mine. Maybe that will help us both to understand that we could not do anything different than we did and everything we did was out of our love for them. I realize now how many more people are going through making these decisions and then wondering if it was the right decision. I believe I made the right decision, I just wish it didn't have to be so difficult to watch. I can only tell you that I put myself in my mom's position and know I would not have wanted to be on a feeding tube. Hopefully one day I will let go of the guilt and be able to remember how wonderful she was in life and not remember this horrible disease.

This is so Dang Heartwrenching.....Today Starts Day 6 of No Food for Mom...My Guess would be maybe she weighs 80 pounds....we managed to get her to sip ensure thru a straw once in a while....We have to wake her to do that...Shes on Morphine for pain Control...but still appears to have pain.....SINCE She has been on Morphine 3 Days now...Sometimes she Opens her Eyes and Stares at the Ceiling.....She'll kinda Scowl....Do you all Suppose My Dad is calling her from the Otherside??? Hes been gone 25 yrs...Could she be getting ready to leave us like soon...Is that a sign?

This is so Dang Heartwrenching.....Today Starts Day 6 of No Food for Mom...My Guess would be maybe she weighs 80 pounds....we managed to get her to sip ensure thru a straw once in a while....We have to wake her to do that...Shes on Morphine for pain Control...but still appears to have pain.....SINCE She has been on Morphine 3 Days now...Sometimes she Opens her Eyes and Stares at the Ceiling.....She'll kinda Scowl....Do you all Suppose My Dad is calling her from the Otherside??? Hes been gone 25 yrs...Could she be getting ready to leave us like soon...Is that a sign?

Dear Terry...I remember when having to wake my mom up as well to give her liquids, jello, etc.. but toward the very end, she refused everything...ice chips & the sponge dipped in water included. I was given a booklet that is put out from Hospice...GONE FROM MY SIGHT; The Dying Experience. By Barbara Karnes R.N. That was my "dying bible" that I read through-out the day & night. It helped me so much with the process of her physical & mental changes. It took the guess work out regarding the final passing over from this world to the next. A very inspiring little book. I highly recommend that you read it. I hope this little information has helped you. Blessings!

Dear Terry...I remember when having to wake my mom up as well to give her liquids, jello, etc.. but toward the very end, she refused everything...ice chips & the sponge dipped in water included. I was given a booklet that is put out from Hospice...GONE FROM MY SIGHT; The Dying Experience. By Barbara Karnes R.N. That was my "dying bible" that I read through-out the day & night. It helped me so much with the process of her physical & mental changes. It took the guess work out regarding the final passing over from this world to the next. A very inspiring little book. I highly recommend that you read it. I hope this little information has helped you. Blessings!

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It helps me remember that I am not alone. It was so hard for me to watch my mom refuse food and drink. For 10 years, I focused on keeping her healthy, then there came the point where the doctor said her body was shutting down. It was so hard to watch my mom refuse food. But refuse she did. While I was lucky that I did not feel I was starving her, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I offered her favorite foods and liquids. She would firmly push them away and clamp her mouth shut until I wondered if eating made her feel sicker. I don't think she was hungry or thirsty near the end of her life. I try to hold on to that when I feel the guilt. I am lucky that when I was younger and my mom's sister was dying of cancer, she talked to me about how she wanted to be treated (or ot treated) at he end of her life. Even later in her demetia, I believe she kept that resolve. I hope we can all find a way to let go of our guilt. I know that I abided by my mother's wishes.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It helps me remember that I am not alone. It was so hard for me to watch my mom refuse food and drink. For 10 years, I focused on keeping her healthy, then there came the point where the doctor said her body was shutting down. It was so hard to watch my mom refuse food. But refuse she did. While I was lucky that I did not feel I was starving her, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I offered her favorite foods and liquids. She would firmly push them away and clamp her mouth shut until I wondered if eating made her feel sicker. I don't think she was hungry or thirsty near the end of her life. I try to hold on to that when I feel the guilt. I am lucky that when I was younger and my mom's sister was dying of cancer, she talked to me about how she wanted to be treated (or ot treated) at he end of her life. Even later in her demetia, I believe she kept that resolve. I hope we can all find a way to let go of our guilt. I know that I abided by my mother's wishes.

A agree completely Kathporter. The body has it's own way of shutting down & instinctly that person knows enough is enough. My mom's mouth, tongue, lips & skin were never cracked nor dry. A comfort was given with meds. & a ton of love that I'm convinced she was aware of. Once her body was finished....her spirit soared!

A agree completely Kathporter. The body has it's own way of shutting down & instinctly that person knows enough is enough. My mom's mouth, tongue, lips & skin were never cracked nor dry. A comfort was given with meds. & a ton of love that I'm convinced she was aware of. Once her body was finished....her spirit soared!

WE Had to put Mom in Hospice Yesterday for Pain Management....It was so Hard....She is pretty out of it didn't even no she was transported...They are keeping her Comfortable with Morphine every 2 Hours.....Her Kidneys have shut down......Her Body is failing her...Doc said it will most likely be this weekend.....The one thing i've learned from this experience...i will not tell my kids i want to Die at home.....That was unbearable....Like taking care of an 80 pound infant....So much Stress has been lifted with the perfessionals taking care of her...I can just relax and hold her hands and Love Her till the End

WE Had to put Mom in Hospice Yesterday for Pain Management....It was so Hard....She is pretty out of it didn't even no she was transported...They are keeping her Comfortable with Morphine every 2 Hours.....Her Kidneys have shut down......Her Body is failing her...Doc said it will most likely be this weekend.....The one thing i've learned from this experience...i will not tell my kids i want to Die at home.....That was unbearable....Like taking care of an 80 pound infant....So much Stress has been lifted with the perfessionals taking care of her...I can just relax and hold her hands and Love Her till the End

Dear Terry....your precious mom is surely in the most loving & caring hands right now. Your main task is to whispher love into her ears, for they say the hearing is the last to go. Give her permission to go & let her know that you will be okay. I will be lifting you in prayer. Blessings & hugs! Sue

Dear Terry....your precious mom is surely in the most loving & caring hands right now. Your main task is to whispher love into her ears, for they say the hearing is the last to go. Give her permission to go & let her know that you will be okay. I will be lifting you in prayer. Blessings & hugs! Sue

Terry, I live in a small rural area of costal North Carolina and we do not have a hospice house. If we had the choice, we likely would have gone to a Hospice House after leaving the hospital insead of bringing her to my home. But, in retrospect, it was easy for us because we all had a bed to sleep in as we stood vigil. We were nearby 24/7 to administer meds and ensure she ws comfortable. I wish she had refused food and water but with hospice's guidance, we withheld it. They said it merely prolonged the end. Wnen we swabbed her mouth with the lemon glycerin q-tips, she would close her lips around it and suck as if she was so very thirsty. I'll never know if our decisions were the right ones but it is too late to change it now. She appeared to be totally out of it but I never stopped whispering to her. I can only hope that she and Daddy are finally reunited. As hsm21 said, they seem to hold feeling they still need to care for her family. Let her know you love her and that she can go to wait for the rest of you to come meet her. God bless you and continue to fight the good fight. She would be so proud knowing you are the kind and loving child she wanted you to be.

Terry, I live in a small rural area of costal North Carolina and we do not have a hospice house. If we had the choice, we likely would have gone to a Hospice House after leaving the hospital insead of bringing her to my home. But, in retrospect, it was easy for us because we all had a bed to sleep in as we stood vigil. We were nearby 24/7 to administer meds and ensure she ws comfortable. I wish she had refused food and water but with hospice's guidance, we withheld it. They said it merely prolonged the end. Wnen we swabbed her mouth with the lemon glycerin q-tips, she would close her lips around it and suck as if she was so very thirsty. I'll never know if our decisions were the right ones but it is too late to change it now. She appeared to be totally out of it but I never stopped whispering to her. I can only hope that she and Daddy are finally reunited. As hsm21 said, they seem to hold feeling they still need to care for her family. Let her know you love her and that she can go to wait for the rest of you to come meet her. God bless you and continue to fight the good fight. She would be so proud knowing you are the kind and loving child she wanted you to be.

Awiatta,

You ask "does any of this make sense" and I know exactly what you are feeling. I just can't understand how this process of dying is "for the best". Watching this for more than 10 days tore my heart out. After five years of caring for my mom and doing everything I could to help her and give her all my love everyday, it seems to have come down to 10 days of watching this process and feeling this guilt. In my heart I did what I knew my mother would have wanted, but I cannot seem to get the vision of those last days out of my head. Every day caregiving is so hard, but end of life hurts so much. Thank you for your reply. It helped me to understand that it is not abnormal for me to feel this pain and guilt and that there are so many others going through the same thing.

Awiatta,

You ask "does any of this make sense" and I know exactly what you are feeling. I just can't understand how this process of dying is "for the best". Watching this for more than 10 days tore my heart out. After five years of caring for my mom and doing everything I could to help her and give her all my love everyday, it seems to have come down to 10 days of watching this process and feeling this guilt. In my heart I did what I knew my mother would have wanted, but I cannot seem to get the vision of those last days out of my head. Every day caregiving is so hard, but end of life hurts so much. Thank you for your reply. It helped me to understand that it is not abnormal for me to feel this pain and guilt and that there are so many others going through the same thing.

Dear Terry

I totally agree with you. I am going to tell my sons that if I get that ill not to keep me home. It is just too hard to do physically, mentally and emotionally. My prayers are with you.

Dear Terry

I totally agree with you. I am going to tell my sons that if I get that ill not to keep me home. It is just too hard to do physically, mentally and emotionally. My prayers are with you.

Thx for all your replys.....It is comforting to know that all this is part of this process.....I Think mom is waiting for Monday...Valentines Day.....She and Dad wouild have been married 67 yrs...Dad is waiting up above for mom to celebrate their Anniversary.....Hes been gone 26 yrs.....Mom is Struggling right now with every breath she takes...It looks like a Struggle to me....But she is almost like in a coma....I don't see any pain or discomfort when i look at her.......She Seems very Peaceful...I Miss her Voice so Much.....I'm not sure any of this pain i am having will go away....And these Final Memories...Don't know if i will ever Forget Them.....The last week till we got her here was so Horrendous...I'm afraid that last week will be forever in my mind....Damn Cancer ......Thx all

Thx for all your replys.....It is comforting to know that all this is part of this process.....I Think mom is waiting for Monday...Valentines Day.....She and Dad wouild have been married 67 yrs...Dad is waiting up above for mom to celebrate their Anniversary.....Hes been gone 26 yrs.....Mom is Struggling right now with every breath she takes...It looks like a Struggle to me....But she is almost like in a coma....I don't see any pain or discomfort when i look at her.......She Seems very Peaceful...I Miss her Voice so Much.....I'm not sure any of this pain i am having will go away....And these Final Memories...Don't know if i will ever Forget Them.....The last week till we got her here was so Horrendous...I'm afraid that last week will be forever in my mind....Damn Cancer ......Thx all

Terry...when your mom is finally reunited with your dad in heaven...you will feel the guilt...you will remember the cancer & all the ugliness that is associated with it. You will, however, in time start to remember the lovely & good times. It will be 1 year in March since my mom's passing. I am now just beginning to cherish all the beautiful memories & actually smile. This will happen to you too! Hold your dear mother, Terry. Wrap your arms around her. Many blessings always! Sue

Terry...when your mom is finally reunited with your dad in heaven...you will feel the guilt...you will remember the cancer & all the ugliness that is associated with it. You will, however, in time start to remember the lovely & good times. It will be 1 year in March since my mom's passing. I am now just beginning to cherish all the beautiful memories & actually smile. This will happen to you too! Hold your dear mother, Terry. Wrap your arms around her. Many blessings always! Sue

Sebring 925, No it is not abnormal for us to feel the pain and guilt, and to have visions of those last difficult days replaying in our heads. These symptoms fit the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistic Manual, used by counselors and psychologists) definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, especially if the symptoms are interfering with our functionality in current life. I think the guilt doesn't directly interfere for me, but does prevent me from moving forward. An experienced counselor who has worked with caretakers and grief issues (Hospice organizations may be able to provide a referral)might be useful in processing the whole experience.

It does feel somewhat traumatic to helplessly watch our beloved mothers suffer and die. I know I provided all the comfort and care that I could in the last months of her life. What haunts me is the decision I made in 2004, and again in 2008, to place my mother in an assisted living situation. I keep going back to "What if I had . . . instead?" The fall and fractures that led to her painful death occurred in the assisted living facility that was a half-hour drive from my handicapped accessible home that I had rented only one month earlier, specifically so my mom could live with me. I just wasn't confident, I was afraid during that month that the move would make her take a dive downward, as I saw great harm and a huge drop when she was forced out of a more local assisted living facility in 2008. My fear prevented me from moving forward with the move to my new home. I called her on the morning of Nov. 15th, 2009 at about 10:00. She said, "Awitta, I am cold and I am hungry." I told her, "Mom, you know this place won't bring food to your room, like the other place. I'm sorry, but you have to get up and go to the dining room, ask them for something to eat, since they already served breakfast." I immediately called her "house", where the caretaker got angry with me, stating, "I just checked on your mom two minutes ago, and she was fine!" She had to go, as there was a buzzer going off. (My mom had lost the ability to recall to push her buzzer.) The caretaker called me 1/2 hour later, said my mother was in an ambulance, and that she had fallen during the time I had been on the phone with her earlier. Of course, according to their policy, she provided no details and I had to drive to arrive at a hospital to see my mom looking like the world had ended for her. (It had, essentially.) After her discharge, hospice increased their visits daily to my mom's assisted living, who assured me they were still the best people to take care of her, but they got angry when I inquired about the fall. She had fallen on the hard bathroom floor, where I found her broken fingernail. Her COPD and dementia that made her refuse oxygen had likely contributed to her losing balance. The assisted living did not give her extra care, as she was unable to turn and get water -- I found her lips cracked and dry, and her soaking wet in diapers! and immediately moved her out. I hired a caretaker who had known her, and I do know my home was a better place for her in the end. However, I don't know if the move also contributed to her death, as a few days later, she inquired as to when we would return -- I think the unfamiliar place disoriented her, but my sleeping and staying by her side most of the time may have made up for it.

When I step back, I see that I was one person, trying to make decisions that were precarious == move mom and she becomes disoriented and the dementia worsens, don't move her and never be sure about care quality when I wasn't there (I visited on a daily basis, oversaw lots of the medical and nutritional care) and risk the lack of attention that led to her fall. The responsibility for her was huge psychologically -- I was the youngest, and the underlying messages I got growing up were that I was incompetent or not good enough. I think somewhere I had believed those messages, and did not feel confident in myself. Then, I was the only child who stepped up to care for both parents. I'm glad I was there for them, but the guilt over decisions I made and didn't make have haunted me in both of their deaths.

I do believe that there would have been less guilt had the social situation been different for my parents. I'm certain that my mother would not have declined so rapidly had she not been forced out of the first assisted living facility, or if I had lived with her at that time period, instead of choosing a new one outside of town. (The assisted living facilities in town had black-listed us, as I had reported my mom's first place to the State for leaving residents unattended (one worker per house shovels snow outside -- no one with residents, and for employees who distributed medicines coming to work still under the influence of alcohol. I tried to talk with them, but they informed me that those issues were their business, not mine, even if they affected my mom. I now wish I had kept my mouth shut, but these conditions shouldn't exist for our parents) I managed to stay in one hotel room with my mom in the interim time between facilities, why couldn't I have brought her home back then? Truthfully, I was afraid I wouldn't have a life of my own, I felt burned out after many years, and the guilt over how those factors influenced my decision still bugs me. I know if I had known that a home situation with handicapped capability, meals, and that my mom would take her meds when I gave them, then I would have gladly had her live with me. I just wasn't confident in my capability, and feared that she wouldn't cooperate with me. By that point, I should have seen that she wasn't a burden, but a major gift. The journey, although tough, would have been okay together. Her dementia was stripping away all the extraneous things, and she had began to rely on, "You are so beautiful. I love you, thank God I had you." with me. She was pure love. The care giving I gave taught me about my capacity to love also, but how do I turn away the guilt that my decision making may have taken time off of her life? I keep thinking that if I had her at home, she would not have fallen.

I know this reply was long and rambled on -- my points have been that I wish the system that takes care of our older parents, as well as social responsibility and support to care takers, were very different from the system we have today. Facilities are making millions while care is inadequate or neglectful. Home care is difficult, especially if care takers work. And caring for our parents should not be a one-person job with virtually no social and economic support. Because of these circumstances, care takers try their best, but somewhere something is bound to unravel and fall apart. And the guilt that I have, the guilt that is being discussed at this site, is a consequence that we live with. Someone, please say something that can help. I know that we all have to move forward, it dishonors the life they gave us not to do so. I just wish things could have been different and easier for all our parents.

Sebring 925, No it is not abnormal for us to feel the pain and guilt, and to have visions of those last difficult days replaying in our heads. These symptoms fit the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistic Manual, used by counselors and psychologists) definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, especially if the symptoms are interfering with our functionality in current life. I think the guilt doesn't directly interfere for me, but does prevent me from moving forward. An experienced counselor who has worked with caretakers and grief issues (Hospice organizations may be able to provide a referral)might be useful in processing the whole experience.

It does feel somewhat traumatic to helplessly watch our beloved mothers suffer and die. I know I provided all the comfort and care that I could in the last months of her life. What haunts me is the decision I made in 2004, and again in 2008, to place my mother in an assisted living situation. I keep going back to "What if I had . . . instead?" The fall and fractures that led to her painful death occurred in the assisted living facility that was a half-hour drive from my handicapped accessible home that I had rented only one month earlier, specifically so my mom could live with me. I just wasn't confident, I was afraid during that month that the move would make her take a dive downward, as I saw great harm and a huge drop when she was forced out of a more local assisted living facility in 2008. My fear prevented me from moving forward with the move to my new home. I called her on the morning of Nov. 15th, 2009 at about 10:00. She said, "Awitta, I am cold and I am hungry." I told her, "Mom, you know this place won't bring food to your room, like the other place. I'm sorry, but you have to get up and go to the dining room, ask them for something to eat, since they already served breakfast." I immediately called her "house", where the caretaker got angry with me, stating, "I just checked on your mom two minutes ago, and she was fine!" She had to go, as there was a buzzer going off. (My mom had lost the ability to recall to push her buzzer.) The caretaker called me 1/2 hour later, said my mother was in an ambulance, and that she had fallen during the time I had been on the phone with her earlier. Of course, according to their policy, she provided no details and I had to drive to arrive at a hospital to see my mom looking like the world had ended for her. (It had, essentially.) After her discharge, hospice increased their visits daily to my mom's assisted living, who assured me they were still the best people to take care of her, but they got angry when I inquired about the fall. She had fallen on the hard bathroom floor, where I found her broken fingernail. Her COPD and dementia that made her refuse oxygen had likely contributed to her losing balance. The assisted living did not give her extra care, as she was unable to turn and get water -- I found her lips cracked and dry, and her soaking wet in diapers! and immediately moved her out. I hired a caretaker who had known her, and I do know my home was a better place for her in the end. However, I don't know if the move also contributed to her death, as a few days later, she inquired as to when we would return -- I think the unfamiliar place disoriented her, but my sleeping and staying by her side most of the time may have made up for it.

When I step back, I see that I was one person, trying to make decisions that were precarious == move mom and she becomes disoriented and the dementia worsens, don't move her and never be sure about care quality when I wasn't there (I visited on a daily basis, oversaw lots of the medical and nutritional care) and risk the lack of attention that led to her fall. The responsibility for her was huge psychologically -- I was the youngest, and the underlying messages I got growing up were that I was incompetent or not good enough. I think somewhere I had believed those messages, and did not feel confident in myself. Then, I was the only child who stepped up to care for both parents. I'm glad I was there for them, but the guilt over decisions I made and didn't make have haunted me in both of their deaths.

I do believe that there would have been less guilt had the social situation been different for my parents. I'm certain that my mother would not have declined so rapidly had she not been forced out of the first assisted living facility, or if I had lived with her at that time period, instead of choosing a new one outside of town. (The assisted living facilities in town had black-listed us, as I had reported my mom's first place to the State for leaving residents unattended (one worker per house shovels snow outside -- no one with residents, and for employees who distributed medicines coming to work still under the influence of alcohol. I tried to talk with them, but they informed me that those issues were their business, not mine, even if they affected my mom. I now wish I had kept my mouth shut, but these conditions shouldn't exist for our parents) I managed to stay in one hotel room with my mom in the interim time between facilities, why couldn't I have brought her home back then? Truthfully, I was afraid I wouldn't have a life of my own, I felt burned out after many years, and the guilt over how those factors influenced my decision still bugs me. I know if I had known that a home situation with handicapped capability, meals, and that my mom would take her meds when I gave them, then I would have gladly had her live with me. I just wasn't confident in my capability, and feared that she wouldn't cooperate with me. By that point, I should have seen that she wasn't a burden, but a major gift. The journey, although tough, would have been okay together. Her dementia was stripping away all the extraneous things, and she had began to rely on, "You are so beautiful. I love you, thank God I had you." with me. She was pure love. The care giving I gave taught me about my capacity to love also, but how do I turn away the guilt that my decision making may have taken time off of her life? I keep thinking that if I had her at home, she would not have fallen.

I know this reply was long and rambled on -- my points have been that I wish the system that takes care of our older parents, as well as social responsibility and support to care takers, were very different from the system we have today. Facilities are making millions while care is inadequate or neglectful. Home care is difficult, especially if care takers work. And caring for our parents should not be a one-person job with virtually no social and economic support. Because of these circumstances, care takers try their best, but somewhere something is bound to unravel and fall apart. And the guilt that I have, the guilt that is being discussed at this site, is a consequence that we live with. Someone, please say something that can help. I know that we all have to move forward, it dishonors the life they gave us not to do so. I just wish things could have been different and easier for all our parents.

Dear Awitta...I sense that I can speak for all the ladies who have so far made their emotions known, and that is....we all feel your pain, guilt & lack of confidence. When we're going through the care & heartfelt decisions regarding our dear loved ones, we are making them to the best of our ability on what we know and what we don't know we try to learn. After our loved ones have left us, it's very easy to think what you could have done instead. Hindsight is 20/20. What's important, however, is all the love you showered on your dear mother. And our Heavenly Father had His Eye on you as well. It's a difficult time & you must allow yourself time to heal. Try not to beat yourself up Awitta. I can say that because I was & sometimes still are, very hard on myself. I am slowly coming to the realization that through all the mistakes I made in regards to decisions, there were good decisions made as well. All in all...they were made in love. Bless you Awitta!

Dear Awitta...I sense that I can speak for all the ladies who have so far made their emotions known, and that is....we all feel your pain, guilt & lack of confidence. When we're going through the care & heartfelt decisions regarding our dear loved ones, we are making them to the best of our ability on what we know and what we don't know we try to learn. After our loved ones have left us, it's very easy to think what you could have done instead. Hindsight is 20/20. What's important, however, is all the love you showered on your dear mother. And our Heavenly Father had His Eye on you as well. It's a difficult time & you must allow yourself time to heal. Try not to beat yourself up Awitta. I can say that because I was & sometimes still are, very hard on myself. I am slowly coming to the realization that through all the mistakes I made in regards to decisions, there were good decisions made as well. All in all...they were made in love. Bless you Awitta!

Awitta

I just read your post and want you to know that my mom fell on two separate times and broke a hip each time. Both times she fell at home right in front of me. I did have help in my decision of keeping my mother at home through her alzheimer's disease. You were in a totally different situation and I know I could not have taken care of my mom if I did not have the help and support I had. Please know that everything we do for our parents is in our love for them and I believe both of us did the best we could in the circumstances we had. I am fighting the guilt of the last 10 days of her life because I decided not to have her go to the hospital. Hospice was wonderful and helped us through this time, but the "what ifs" are always there. I do know that my mom's quality of life was gone and that she did not want a feeding tube. I did what she wanted, but I pray my children will never have to make these decisions for me. I believe our mom's knew we did everthing we could and most of all they knew how much we love them. Sebring925

Awitta

I just read your post and want you to know that my mom fell on two separate times and broke a hip each time. Both times she fell at home right in front of me. I did have help in my decision of keeping my mother at home through her alzheimer's disease. You were in a totally different situation and I know I could not have taken care of my mom if I did not have the help and support I had. Please know that everything we do for our parents is in our love for them and I believe both of us did the best we could in the circumstances we had. I am fighting the guilt of the last 10 days of her life because I decided not to have her go to the hospital. Hospice was wonderful and helped us through this time, but the "what ifs" are always there. I do know that my mom's quality of life was gone and that she did not want a feeding tube. I did what she wanted, but I pray my children will never have to make these decisions for me. I believe our mom's knew we did everthing we could and most of all they knew how much we love them. Sebring925

Terry you are in my thoughts and you must believe that your love for your mother is foremost in both your minds. And you are so right - you can relax and just love her. She knows you are present, and when she passes to the next level, she will go in your love. You have been a remarkable daughter to your dearest mother.

Terry you are in my thoughts and you must believe that your love for your mother is foremost in both your minds. And you are so right - you can relax and just love her. She knows you are present, and when she passes to the next level, she will go in your love. You have been a remarkable daughter to your dearest mother.

I have a question for you... My sister and I have been sharing care for mom. Mom is 87. She weighs well under 100 lbs., uses a walker, needs assistance to go to the bathroom, cannot bathe herself and is dizzy all of the time. She continues to lose weight and get weaker. My sister has decided that she will not take care of mom any longer so we have discussed nursing home options. In fact, my sister has already submitted the paperwork because she says she can no longer care for mom and is unwilling to get help in the home. I know that mom does not want placement in a nursing home but it is exhausting now to care for her and we are both afraid that she will fall. There is a "good" nursing home available at this time as it is in a hospital and mom has stayed there briefly before.

In the past year, I have broken my wrist while caring for mom, as I fell down my basement stairs and mom never heard me while I lay there for 20 minutes trying to get up, am now babysitting for my 2 month old granddaughter because her father died in October and her mother has to work, and my other daughter is walking around on crutches because she broke her leg and had to have surgery to repair it. (she has 2 children and moved out of Safe House less than 6 months ago).

Although I feel as if I am giving up on mom, I also know that I cannot be here around the clock... Already, I have 3 appointments for next week necessitating that I am not here. Mom is on oxygen full time, trailing around oxygen cords where ever she goes and in my 2 bedroom house with playpen and swing in the middle, the oxygen cords make it very unsafe for everyone.

Can I ever get rid of the guilt for placing her where she has more care? When she is here and I am babysitting, I am forced to ignore mom until the baby has left and as my daughter works nights (because mom's doctor appointments occur during the day), mom doesn't get to bed before 10:30 or so. My husband keeps telling me that I have to give up something because it is too much. But he refuses to make a decision for me. If mom were bed ridden, the decision would be easy for me, as I would keep her until she died but the way things are, she could live another 6 months or more and I don't believe that I can do this alone. And I would get no help from my sister as she wants to travel, travel, travel. She is still working but I retired several years ago and have yet to really set back and enjoy retirement but she finds mom's care impacting her life...Well, she has money...lots of it...and I gave it up ...to care for my parents...but now my time is taken up with my children.... one with a new baby and one with a broken leg last week. How can I justify in my mind that mom should be placed in a home?

I have a question for you... My sister and I have been sharing care for mom. Mom is 87. She weighs well under 100 lbs., uses a walker, needs assistance to go to the bathroom, cannot bathe herself and is dizzy all of the time. She continues to lose weight and get weaker. My sister has decided that she will not take care of mom any longer so we have discussed nursing home options. In fact, my sister has already submitted the paperwork because she says she can no longer care for mom and is unwilling to get help in the home. I know that mom does not want placement in a nursing home but it is exhausting now to care for her and we are both afraid that she will fall. There is a "good" nursing home available at this time as it is in a hospital and mom has stayed there briefly before.

In the past year, I have broken my wrist while caring for mom, as I fell down my basement stairs and mom never heard me while I lay there for 20 minutes trying to get up, am now babysitting for my 2 month old granddaughter because her father died in October and her mother has to work, and my other daughter is walking around on crutches because she broke her leg and had to have surgery to repair it. (she has 2 children and moved out of Safe House less than 6 months ago).

Although I feel as if I am giving up on mom, I also know that I cannot be here around the clock... Already, I have 3 appointments for next week necessitating that I am not here. Mom is on oxygen full time, trailing around oxygen cords where ever she goes and in my 2 bedroom house with playpen and swing in the middle, the oxygen cords make it very unsafe for everyone.

Can I ever get rid of the guilt for placing her where she has more care? When she is here and I am babysitting, I am forced to ignore mom until the baby has left and as my daughter works nights (because mom's doctor appointments occur during the day), mom doesn't get to bed before 10:30 or so. My husband keeps telling me that I have to give up something because it is too much. But he refuses to make a decision for me. If mom were bed ridden, the decision would be easy for me, as I would keep her until she died but the way things are, she could live another 6 months or more and I don't believe that I can do this alone. And I would get no help from my sister as she wants to travel, travel, travel. She is still working but I retired several years ago and have yet to really set back and enjoy retirement but she finds mom's care impacting her life...Well, she has money...lots of it...and I gave it up ...to care for my parents...but now my time is taken up with my children.... one with a new baby and one with a broken leg last week. How can I justify in my mind that mom should be placed in a home?

PTCruzer, you are between a rock and a hard place. My sister and I kept Mama in a nursing home (best in the area...supposedly) until we ran out of money. It is extremely expensive. I retired from my job to bring Mama to live with me. When she came, she had a bedsore the "home" did not tell us about. With help from a home health agency, we healed that wound in four months. Caring for Mama was the hardest thing I've ever done. I hesitated to do it because I've never had children and peple kept telling me I couldn't care for her 24/7. That fueled my desire to try,saying if I never try, I'll never know. I could not count on my sister. She has a sick husband, she still works and is way to involved in her children's lives (meddling would be a better word) to have time for Mama. So it fell on my shoulders to bear the weight. I had help in the mornings. They came at 8. The first thing they did was bath Mama and get her dressed for the day. While they did that, I prepared Mama's breakfast. It took a long time for Mama to eat a meal, so I let them feed her (she couldn't feed herself) while I ran errands etc. There were here three hours per day and were available for other times if I had appts etc. I had their help n saturday nights for date night and Sunday afternoons so I could get away alone for a little while. It was so much more affordable than a nursing home. She was here 6 months when she aspirated and contracted aspiration pneumonia. She passed away on Dec. 15, 2010. I miss her terribly and the only regret I have is I should have brought her to live with me sooner. She never knew me nor did she know where she was the entire time she was here but I feel good knowing she had the best care I could give her. With children and grandchildren, you have a lot on your shoulders. You have to decide who needs your care more and follow your heart.

PTCruzer, you are between a rock and a hard place. My sister and I kept Mama in a nursing home (best in the area...supposedly) until we ran out of money. It is extremely expensive. I retired from my job to bring Mama to live with me. When she came, she had a bedsore the "home" did not tell us about. With help from a home health agency, we healed that wound in four months. Caring for Mama was the hardest thing I've ever done. I hesitated to do it because I've never had children and peple kept telling me I couldn't care for her 24/7. That fueled my desire to try,saying if I never try, I'll never know. I could not count on my sister. She has a sick husband, she still works and is way to involved in her children's lives (meddling would be a better word) to have time for Mama. So it fell on my shoulders to bear the weight. I had help in the mornings. They came at 8. The first thing they did was bath Mama and get her dressed for the day. While they did that, I prepared Mama's breakfast. It took a long time for Mama to eat a meal, so I let them feed her (she couldn't feed herself) while I ran errands etc. There were here three hours per day and were available for other times if I had appts etc. I had their help n saturday nights for date night and Sunday afternoons so I could get away alone for a little while. It was so much more affordable than a nursing home. She was here 6 months when she aspirated and contracted aspiration pneumonia. She passed away on Dec. 15, 2010. I miss her terribly and the only regret I have is I should have brought her to live with me sooner. She never knew me nor did she know where she was the entire time she was here but I feel good knowing she had the best care I could give her. With children and grandchildren, you have a lot on your shoulders. You have to decide who needs your care more and follow your heart.

You Have to do Whatever is Easiest For You....The Whole Situation is Heartbreaking.....My Mom Passed away on Valentines Day....Which was her Wedding Anniversary....Dad Passed away 26 Years ago....They are now reunited in a Glorious Place....Mom Wanted to Die at home....We were trying to do just that...But the Thursday Before She Passed we wound up putting her in Hospice as it Just got to Hard and i didn't want her to die with no Dignity...It was like caring for an 80 pound Infant....While she was Hospitalized A great Stress was Relieved...I was able to let the professionals take care of her..They Kept her Comfortable and clean and She Had no more Pain...Don't feel bad if you are unable to take care of her...She would not want you or other family members to go through what you are going through....

You Have to do Whatever is Easiest For You....The Whole Situation is Heartbreaking.....My Mom Passed away on Valentines Day....Which was her Wedding Anniversary....Dad Passed away 26 Years ago....They are now reunited in a Glorious Place....Mom Wanted to Die at home....We were trying to do just that...But the Thursday Before She Passed we wound up putting her in Hospice as it Just got to Hard and i didn't want her to die with no Dignity...It was like caring for an 80 pound Infant....While she was Hospitalized A great Stress was Relieved...I was able to let the professionals take care of her..They Kept her Comfortable and clean and She Had no more Pain...Don't feel bad if you are unable to take care of her...She would not want you or other family members to go through what you are going through....

Terry, you've been on my mind. Your lack of posts led me to believe your prediction of Valentines, being your Mother's appointed time, to be accurate. I see now that was true. Im so sorry but her suffering is over and your is now beginning. It is so difficult to learn to live without her. I still walk past Mama's room and look in but have finally accepted that she is gone. I still haven't removed all her things. I guess as long as a little of her stuff is still around, I feel she isn't reall gone. Grieving just takes time. It is a very sad thing to endure but only those of us who predecease our parents will not have it to bear. Prayers and blessings to you.

Terry, you've been on my mind. Your lack of posts led me to believe your prediction of Valentines, being your Mother's appointed time, to be accurate. I see now that was true. Im so sorry but her suffering is over and your is now beginning. It is so difficult to learn to live without her. I still walk past Mama's room and look in but have finally accepted that she is gone. I still haven't removed all her things. I guess as long as a little of her stuff is still around, I feel she isn't reall gone. Grieving just takes time. It is a very sad thing to endure but only those of us who predecease our parents will not have it to bear. Prayers and blessings to you.

It seems that now mom is convinced that all of her troubles will stop if she has a commode in her bedroom so my sister is getting for her. But in her heart my sister is sure that this won't be enough. I want to offer my sister my services to give mom her showers when she is with my sister (to see if she might be willing to keep her longer) because my sister comes home from work during the day to give mom her showers and that's just too hard. I would also be willing to get mom's lunches ready for her 2 or 3 times a week so that my sister would be relieved. Maybe I can convince her but right now, I just need to also have a break in my time. If only my sister would be willing to be flexible and I don't know if she can.

It seems that now mom is convinced that all of her troubles will stop if she has a commode in her bedroom so my sister is getting for her. But in her heart my sister is sure that this won't be enough. I want to offer my sister my services to give mom her showers when she is with my sister (to see if she might be willing to keep her longer) because my sister comes home from work during the day to give mom her showers and that's just too hard. I would also be willing to get mom's lunches ready for her 2 or 3 times a week so that my sister would be relieved. Maybe I can convince her but right now, I just need to also have a break in my time. If only my sister would be willing to be flexible and I don't know if she can.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back at the five years of Mama's illness, I see I never did enough. I felt I was being overwhelmed at the time but I could have done more. Living in the prsent is difficult when you can't see down the road. At the end of the day, we all have to be able to live with whatever care we provide those who cared for us.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back at the five years of Mama's illness, I see I never did enough. I felt I was being overwhelmed at the time but I could have done more. Living in the prsent is difficult when you can't see down the road. At the end of the day, we all have to be able to live with whatever care we provide those who cared for us.

Well, I got my answer.... She is unwilling to keep mom anymore. So it is either I keep her full time and take care of everything or she goes to a home... And I'm the oldest sister even though I'm only almost 60 and have problems with my wrists and also little money ...But I'm retired, caring for my granddaughter because there is no one else and I have given up all of my outside activities because I am not in charge of my time. I know what my sister wants... her freedom. And although I would like it, I am also willing to give of myself for mom but my sister is not. The last time my mother was hospitalized, and my grandchild's father died, my sister went on vacation for 1 1/2 weeks. So when I say that she is unwilling to help, I know that she is. Mom was in a nursing home and I was attending my granddaughter's father's funeral and helping my daughter through all of that and my sister was well out of the area. And did not come back early... I on the other hand, had a 4 day vacation last year and my sister called me to tell me that she thought my mom was dying and I should get home. She called me almost every day but in the end mom got through it but it totally ruined the only vacation I had last year!

Well, I got my answer.... She is unwilling to keep mom anymore. So it is either I keep her full time and take care of everything or she goes to a home... And I'm the oldest sister even though I'm only almost 60 and have problems with my wrists and also little money ...But I'm retired, caring for my granddaughter because there is no one else and I have given up all of my outside activities because I am not in charge of my time. I know what my sister wants... her freedom. And although I would like it, I am also willing to give of myself for mom but my sister is not. The last time my mother was hospitalized, and my grandchild's father died, my sister went on vacation for 1 1/2 weeks. So when I say that she is unwilling to help, I know that she is. Mom was in a nursing home and I was attending my granddaughter's father's funeral and helping my daughter through all of that and my sister was well out of the area. And did not come back early... I on the other hand, had a 4 day vacation last year and my sister called me to tell me that she thought my mom was dying and I should get home. She called me almost every day but in the end mom got through it but it totally ruined the only vacation I had last year!

It was Rough...I Understand that about walking past her Room...She is Everywhere in the House....The Neptune Society gave me a Beautiful Momento Box .. I Have been putting little bits of things in it that were important to her and to me....I Feel bad now Because her Services and Burial will be in Upstate New York .. Now we Have to wait till the Ground Thaws...Then all the Emotions will re-surface again....I Miss her Terribly...Thx for all the Prayers ..You all helped me get through this ordeal alot

It was Rough...I Understand that about walking past her Room...She is Everywhere in the House....The Neptune Society gave me a Beautiful Momento Box .. I Have been putting little bits of things in it that were important to her and to me....I Feel bad now Because her Services and Burial will be in Upstate New York .. Now we Have to wait till the Ground Thaws...Then all the Emotions will re-surface again....I Miss her Terribly...Thx for all the Prayers ..You all helped me get through this ordeal alot

I had to take FMLA For over 3 Months...So i was Able to be with her 24 hrs a day...My Retired Brother was also there to Help....Its a Very Sad Situation....We had a Hospital bed in the Living Room...Had the Bedside Commode next to her Bed...She Refused to use it...She would use her walker to go to the Bathroom....She started having Seizures while trying to get to the bathroom...she fell several times because she refused to let us help her...she was very independant right up till the end...Hence..The Reason we had to put her in Hospice....Her Pain was so Bad..but She wouldn't let us Help her and started having to wear Diapers cause she lost control of her Bowels....She Lost all her Dignity...Still fought us everytime we tried to help her..Praying for you PTCruzr...Its Gonna get alot Harder....You Must Take care of yourself as Well.....I went For 3 Months with very little Sleep...Thats not Good for You or your MOM

I had to take FMLA For over 3 Months...So i was Able to be with her 24 hrs a day...My Retired Brother was also there to Help....Its a Very Sad Situation....We had a Hospital bed in the Living Room...Had the Bedside Commode next to her Bed...She Refused to use it...She would use her walker to go to the Bathroom....She started having Seizures while trying to get to the bathroom...she fell several times because she refused to let us help her...she was very independant right up till the end...Hence..The Reason we had to put her in Hospice....Her Pain was so Bad..but She wouldn't let us Help her and started having to wear Diapers cause she lost control of her Bowels....She Lost all her Dignity...Still fought us everytime we tried to help her..Praying for you PTCruzr...Its Gonna get alot Harder....You Must Take care of yourself as Well.....I went For 3 Months with very little Sleep...Thats not Good for You or your MOM

Terry:

I'm so very sorry to hear about your Mom. You knew she would go on Valentine's Day and she did, but of course you're going through what's probably an even harder ordeal now - that of mourning her. Just want you to know my thoughts, prayers and sympathy are all with you during this time, and I hope you can find solace in the knowledge that you provided so much for your mother during her time of greatest need. You gave her more than any human being could have, for a long time. How fortunate she was to have you.

Terry:

I'm so very sorry to hear about your Mom. You knew she would go on Valentine's Day and she did, but of course you're going through what's probably an even harder ordeal now - that of mourning her. Just want you to know my thoughts, prayers and sympathy are all with you during this time, and I hope you can find solace in the knowledge that you provided so much for your mother during her time of greatest need. You gave her more than any human being could have, for a long time. How fortunate she was to have you.

Thank-You so Much Cordelia....This Website is Awesome...It is Helping me so much to talk about it Hopefully in Return i can Pay it Back and Help Others....Actually i feel i was the fortunate one to have her in my life for 62 yrs....Thx Again

Thank-You so Much Cordelia....This Website is Awesome...It is Helping me so much to talk about it Hopefully in Return i can Pay it Back and Help Others....Actually i feel i was the fortunate one to have her in my life for 62 yrs....Thx Again

Terry6294,

I think you are on the right track, feeling fortunate to have had your mother in your life for 62 years. Mothers are a blessing that we are born with, and your care of her has likely bonded both of you beyond our known time. Don't be surprised if you feel your mom's presence or her love in the midst of your daily activities; I felt my mother. The loving spirit is amazing and goes beyond the mortal body. May all the love you gave return to you and keep you strong inside during your mourning process.

Terry6294,

I think you are on the right track, feeling fortunate to have had your mother in your life for 62 years. Mothers are a blessing that we are born with, and your care of her has likely bonded both of you beyond our known time. Don't be surprised if you feel your mom's presence or her love in the midst of your daily activities; I felt my mother. The loving spirit is amazing and goes beyond the mortal body. May all the love you gave return to you and keep you strong inside during your mourning process.

PTCruzr,

I can see that you also are facing a lack of sibling help. (I am incredulous at my sister's 10 year complete lack of assistance or phone calls, only to be followed after death by a lawsuit for money beyond her inheritance! Amazing, it is hard to recognize her as my sister.) After the initial 4 years of hoping my sister would give a little bit and not leave the whole load to me, I accepted that I couldn't change her mind or actions. My acceptance, instead of continued resentment, actually made the situation easier for me. (I'm just incredulous at her gall to come in with a lawsuit for money beyond her inheritance, especially when she refused to come see her mother. "She's not my mother -- after she lost her mind, she wasn't my mother." "You should have killed her, I know I would rather be dead than lose my mind." were some not-so-pleasant things she said after the funeral she didn't attend. Death and care of our loved ones can sure split apart families, especially those that had dysfunction in the first place.)

At any rate, the decision making is falling on your shoulders. I see that the load is too much, but your conscience and heart are telling you not to put her in the nursing home. Further, your mother, who may not be fully rational, doesn't want to go, and is showing this by asking for a bedroom commode. From my experience, I think you should honor your heart and honor your mother. Forget about what others think or say for now, and listen to your heart. Realistically, it also sounds like the job is huge and too much, and it has affected your health. You can't take care of her unless you give yourself some time and space to get well. Have you checked into the local senior social service organizations? What about home health? If the home situation is unsafe for your mother, due to her mobility, what about finding a handicapped accessible apartment for you and your mother (and let your husband assist with family duties?) and hiring home health or hospice aides that come daily? What about seeing a local social worker not affiliated with a nursing home that specializes in senior care and getting paperwork done so that you qualify for help?

Your situation is a classic example of the social situations for the elderly that I have been speaking of -- why is all the unpaid care falling on one person? The situation is much bigger than you alone, as it was much bigger than me. Care of our parents should be both a family and community responsibility, and I don't believe that either you, your mother, or even your sister, should be faced with making those harsh choices. There has to be a better way, and I hope you can find it for yourself. Please consult outside organizations / social workers / (Altheimer's Association? don't know if mom has dementia or is just sick) before you place mom in an expensive nursing home that neither she nor you want. There has to be a better alternative. I will pray for you.

PTCruzr,

I can see that you also are facing a lack of sibling help. (I am incredulous at my sister's 10 year complete lack of assistance or phone calls, only to be followed after death by a lawsuit for money beyond her inheritance! Amazing, it is hard to recognize her as my sister.) After the initial 4 years of hoping my sister would give a little bit and not leave the whole load to me, I accepted that I couldn't change her mind or actions. My acceptance, instead of continued resentment, actually made the situation easier for me. (I'm just incredulous at her gall to come in with a lawsuit for money beyond her inheritance, especially when she refused to come see her mother. "She's not my mother -- after she lost her mind, she wasn't my mother." "You should have killed her, I know I would rather be dead than lose my mind." were some not-so-pleasant things she said after the funeral she didn't attend. Death and care of our loved ones can sure split apart families, especially those that had dysfunction in the first place.)

At any rate, the decision making is falling on your shoulders. I see that the load is too much, but your conscience and heart are telling you not to put her in the nursing home. Further, your mother, who may not be fully rational, doesn't want to go, and is showing this by asking for a bedroom commode. From my experience, I think you should honor your heart and honor your mother. Forget about what others think or say for now, and listen to your heart. Realistically, it also sounds like the job is huge and too much, and it has affected your health. You can't take care of her unless you give yourself some time and space to get well. Have you checked into the local senior social service organizations? What about home health? If the home situation is unsafe for your mother, due to her mobility, what about finding a handicapped accessible apartment for you and your mother (and let your husband assist with family duties?) and hiring home health or hospice aides that come daily? What about seeing a local social worker not affiliated with a nursing home that specializes in senior care and getting paperwork done so that you qualify for help?

Your situation is a classic example of the social situations for the elderly that I have been speaking of -- why is all the unpaid care falling on one person? The situation is much bigger than you alone, as it was much bigger than me. Care of our parents should be both a family and community responsibility, and I don't believe that either you, your mother, or even your sister, should be faced with making those harsh choices. There has to be a better way, and I hope you can find it for yourself. Please consult outside organizations / social workers / (Altheimer's Association? don't know if mom has dementia or is just sick) before you place mom in an expensive nursing home that neither she nor you want. There has to be a better alternative. I will pray for you.

Awitta...thanks for your letter. What I am currently facing is that Mom has little or no money, so outside assistance will drain any resources she has and I am retired on a reduced pension so I could care for my parents. I retired at 51 and am 59 (years away from Social Security) and I would be unable to assist mom financially. When she has been staying here, I did find that because she paid me $100 per week, I could buy what she needed and still have a little extra but if she needs outside help, the money won't last very long.
Mom does not suffer from dementia but CO2 retention and right now is sleeping most of the time. Because she is so sleepy, she is unable or unwilling to get herself to the bathroom, eat or drink what she needs and basically seems to have given up. I believe that she is sick but she is refusing to go to the hospital as she knows where that will end up.
I'm currently babysitting nights for my 2 month old granddaughter because her mother works and her father died in October. The other grandmother lives about 1 hour away.

My other child is currently in a cast (I call her a child ..she is 35), as she fell down and broke her leg and had surgery to repair it and has a long rehabilitation ahead of her...she is relying on her boyfriend of 4 months to care for her and although he is very caring, he cannot do everything. She was in Safe House for 3 months last summer and now has counseling appointments for the children and when they are sick and have to leave school, she calls me. To take those children home from school takes me at least 1 hour. She does not have transportation except for the boyfriend who works until 6 pm every night.

All of that being said, I'm left wondering how I could possibly be here for mom all of the time. I'm told by my sister that neither she nor her partner feel mom should be left alone. The only income mom has is $899 per month from Social Security and a little savings. My husband works full time but does help with babysitting at night. However, sometimes my daughter has to work during the day. She also now has a live in boyfriend of less than 2 months who works until 6 pm at night. My daughter goes into work at 3:30 to 4:00 every day and works until 10:30 or 11:00.

If I felt that I could get some help from either of my children or my sister, I would take this on but I know in my heart that my helpers are no longer available. And to pay for help every time I leave is too expensive for mom's limited resources and my reduced pension as I live on about $400 per month after paying my bills. I'm not willing to sell my house even if I could and move into an apartment.

I have been mulling this all in my mind for several days now and have come to the conclusion that mom should be cared for somewhere else at least for now until such time as I have addressed my own health issues and my children could be more available to help. That being said, I am willing to bring mom here for outings and take her still to her doctor's appointments as every 3 months she has to go out of town (4 hours round trip) for shots for her eyes so that she doesn't go blind. And I have been doing this for about 5 years now. Complete with walker or wheelchair, oxygen tanks, purse, etc.

I will be 60 this year, and am very tired myself. I am seeing a counselor for my depression and a doctor and eye doctor for my headaches and cataracts. Even though cataracts are not a problem yet, my doctor suspects that glaucoma may be in my future. And I maybe get away one week per year for a vacation. I am sandwiched between my children, grandchildren and my mother and as my husband says, I do for everyone else but I don't have any problems....but I think I will.

My youngest daughter rents my parents house and when there is a problem, she calls me..the landlord .. for help. My sister relegated this responsibility to me a few years ago as she could no longer do it.

Last time mom was here, I gave her too much medicine and overdosed her because I put the wrong amount in her pill box...my sister discovered that.

On MOnday, I have counseling for me (which is the only thing I do for me) and on Tuesday, I have 2 appointments..one for my granddaughter for counseling (because her mother is in a cast) and one appointment for mom (1 hour round trip). I feel that I am a pressure cooker about to burst. The decision about mom's placement takes place on Tuesday.

Since last June the following events have occurred in my life: Son in law was arrested for assault and abuse of my daughter and grandchildren, daughter and children placed in Safe House without transportation, and I took on their appointments as her father lives over 1 hour away and has Parkinson's Disease. She spent 2 to 3 months trying to locate an apartment that she could afford while she continued to stay in Safe House. Oh, and she has asthma and was hospitalized twice during that 3 months. My other daughter was pregnant and in October, the father of the child died of a sudden heart attack. My granddaughter was born in December and I spent much of my time before this birth trying to make sure my daughter was okay. I was her birth coach as there was no one else. Before the baby was born, her plumbing stopped up and it was necessary to have a plumber fix that as well as repair her furnace. After the baby was born I had one week to stay with my daughter to help her adjust with the loss of the baby's father and a new baby. Then mom came back. I have been simultaneously caring for my daughter, granddaughter and mother ever since. In May of last year, while carrying my computer to my car, I fell down my basement stairs, landed on my door and smashed my wrist and was in a cast for 8 weeks, while simultaneously caring for my mother. I bought a tray table that I could not put together but used it for transporting mom's medicines, breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I could not drive.
And in November I had to have my dog put to sleep as she was 14 and peeing in the house while mom was here. Also in November, I drove my car into my 5 car garage because I was so exhausted that I did not even realize I was doing it. And then came the holidays with having mom for the week before Thanksgiving and my daughter going into false labor and my sister taking mom so I could spend the rest of the time with my daughter. And after she had the baby mom came back and spent Christmas with me...complete with taking a porta potty, walker, oxygen to my Christmas activities. My youngest daughter did not participate much in Christmas this year because of grief and possible postpartum depression. I accompanied her on many of her appointments as she had no one else.

Looking at all this, I have to wonder...when have I had time for my life and/or my husband? I haven't and if I'm not careful, I will lose him too. I do not sleep for worrying over my children and my mom. I do not drink or smoke but have been taking anti depressants and am tired a lot from those.

Although I wish I could make a clear decision about mom, I also think that maybe someone else should make that decision...I just can't think anymore. And I want mom to go into a nursing home for right now so that I can get myself in a better place. I need to find myself again in all of this...I haven't had time to relax or even breathe but mostly relaxation has not happened for me. I went away for 4 days last summer during which time my sister called me and told me that she believed mom was dying so my little vacation was ruined. I then went on a 2 day camping trip with my dog and slept in my car and this proved to be the most relaxation I had had in years and there was no phone. Now I don't have my dog so will do it alone. And without help, I cannot go away. Mom needs to make the right decision for herself without feeling that she needs to be with either of us when care is so difficult. Mom wets herself continously, will not drink her gatorade (which keeps her from getting dizzy), eats very little, cannot walk even to the bathroom unassisted, cannot bathe herself unassisted and basically has no desire to try. I believe that she needs more help right now. I have been retired for almost 9 years and during that time have been mom and dad's chauffeur and later mom's caretaker part time. I'm really tired now. But I read your post and wanted to respond. I wish I could make the right decision but I can't right now.

Awitta...thanks for your letter. What I am currently facing is that Mom has little or no money, so outside assistance will drain any resources she has and I am retired on a reduced pension so I could care for my parents. I retired at 51 and am 59 (years away from Social Security) and I would be unable to assist mom financially. When she has been staying here, I did find that because she paid me $100 per week, I could buy what she needed and still have a little extra but if she needs outside help, the money won't last very long.
Mom does not suffer from dementia but CO2 retention and right now is sleeping most of the time. Because she is so sleepy, she is unable or unwilling to get herself to the bathroom, eat or drink what she needs and basically seems to have given up. I believe that she is sick but she is refusing to go to the hospital as she knows where that will end up.
I'm currently babysitting nights for my 2 month old granddaughter because her mother works and her father died in October. The other grandmother lives about 1 hour away.

My other child is currently in a cast (I call her a child ..she is 35), as she fell down and broke her leg and had surgery to repair it and has a long rehabilitation ahead of her...she is relying on her boyfriend of 4 months to care for her and although he is very caring, he cannot do everything. She was in Safe House for 3 months last summer and now has counseling appointments for the children and when they are sick and have to leave school, she calls me. To take those children home from school takes me at least 1 hour. She does not have transportation except for the boyfriend who works until 6 pm every night.

All of that being said, I'm left wondering how I could possibly be here for mom all of the time. I'm told by my sister that neither she nor her partner feel mom should be left alone. The only income mom has is $899 per month from Social Security and a little savings. My husband works full time but does help with babysitting at night. However, sometimes my daughter has to work during the day. She also now has a live in boyfriend of less than 2 months who works until 6 pm at night. My daughter goes into work at 3:30 to 4:00 every day and works until 10:30 or 11:00.

If I felt that I could get some help from either of my children or my sister, I would take this on but I know in my heart that my helpers are no longer available. And to pay for help every time I leave is too expensive for mom's limited resources and my reduced pension as I live on about $400 per month after paying my bills. I'm not willing to sell my house even if I could and move into an apartment.

I have been mulling this all in my mind for several days now and have come to the conclusion that mom should be cared for somewhere else at least for now until such time as I have addressed my own health issues and my children could be more available to help. That being said, I am willing to bring mom here for outings and take her still to her doctor's appointments as every 3 months she has to go out of town (4 hours round trip) for shots for her eyes so that she doesn't go blind. And I have been doing this for about 5 years now. Complete with walker or wheelchair, oxygen tanks, purse, etc.

I will be 60 this year, and am very tired myself. I am seeing a counselor for my depression and a doctor and eye doctor for my headaches and cataracts. Even though cataracts are not a problem yet, my doctor suspects that glaucoma may be in my future. And I maybe get away one week per year for a vacation. I am sandwiched between my children, grandchildren and my mother and as my husband says, I do for everyone else but I don't have any problems....but I think I will.

My youngest daughter rents my parents house and when there is a problem, she calls me..the landlord .. for help. My sister relegated this responsibility to me a few years ago as she could no longer do it.

Last time mom was here, I gave her too much medicine and overdosed her because I put the wrong amount in her pill box...my sister discovered that.

On MOnday, I have counseling for me (which is the only thing I do for me) and on Tuesday, I have 2 appointments..one for my granddaughter for counseling (because her mother is in a cast) and one appointment for mom (1 hour round trip). I feel that I am a pressure cooker about to burst. The decision about mom's placement takes place on Tuesday.

Since last June the following events have occurred in my life: Son in law was arrested for assault and abuse of my daughter and grandchildren, daughter and children placed in Safe House without transportation, and I took on their appointments as her father lives over 1 hour away and has Parkinson's Disease. She spent 2 to 3 months trying to locate an apartment that she could afford while she continued to stay in Safe House. Oh, and she has asthma and was hospitalized twice during that 3 months. My other daughter was pregnant and in October, the father of the child died of a sudden heart attack. My granddaughter was born in December and I spent much of my time before this birth trying to make sure my daughter was okay. I was her birth coach as there was no one else. Before the baby was born, her plumbing stopped up and it was necessary to have a plumber fix that as well as repair her furnace. After the baby was born I had one week to stay with my daughter to help her adjust with the loss of the baby's father and a new baby. Then mom came back. I have been simultaneously caring for my daughter, granddaughter and mother ever since. In May of last year, while carrying my computer to my car, I fell down my basement stairs, landed on my door and smashed my wrist and was in a cast for 8 weeks, while simultaneously caring for my mother. I bought a tray table that I could not put together but used it for transporting mom's medicines, breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I could not drive.
And in November I had to have my dog put to sleep as she was 14 and peeing in the house while mom was here. Also in November, I drove my car into my 5 car garage because I was so exhausted that I did not even realize I was doing it. And then came the holidays with having mom for the week before Thanksgiving and my daughter going into false labor and my sister taking mom so I could spend the rest of the time with my daughter. And after she had the baby mom came back and spent Christmas with me...complete with taking a porta potty, walker, oxygen to my Christmas activities. My youngest daughter did not participate much in Christmas this year because of grief and possible postpartum depression. I accompanied her on many of her appointments as she had no one else.

Looking at all this, I have to wonder...when have I had time for my life and/or my husband? I haven't and if I'm not careful, I will lose him too. I do not sleep for worrying over my children and my mom. I do not drink or smoke but have been taking anti depressants and am tired a lot from those.

Although I wish I could make a clear decision about mom, I also think that maybe someone else should make that decision...I just can't think anymore. And I want mom to go into a nursing home for right now so that I can get myself in a better place. I need to find myself again in all of this...I haven't had time to relax or even breathe but mostly relaxation has not happened for me. I went away for 4 days last summer during which time my sister called me and told me that she believed mom was dying so my little vacation was ruined. I then went on a 2 day camping trip with my dog and slept in my car and this proved to be the most relaxation I had had in years and there was no phone. Now I don't have my dog so will do it alone. And without help, I cannot go away. Mom needs to make the right decision for herself without feeling that she needs to be with either of us when care is so difficult. Mom wets herself continously, will not drink her gatorade (which keeps her from getting dizzy), eats very little, cannot walk even to the bathroom unassisted, cannot bathe herself unassisted and basically has no desire to try. I believe that she needs more help right now. I have been retired for almost 9 years and during that time have been mom and dad's chauffeur and later mom's caretaker part time. I'm really tired now. But I read your post and wanted to respond. I wish I could make the right decision but I can't right now.

I hear you, and I clearly see that you are so exhausted and overwhelmed that no matter how hard you try, you may not be the best caretaker for mom. Your mother's condition of too much CO2 may be able to be mitigated and helped by a respiratory therapist. (The doctor she goes to specializes in this area??) I do know that sometimes O2 turned up too high can cause a build up of CO2, but don't do anything before checking with someone who is trained and knows her condition. Gatorade likely is being used for potassium -- there is potassium salt (fake salt) on the market and K (potassium) pills. But I'm in no position to give medical advice. Your health is suffering too, and it sounds like you are making the best decision you know, considering your overwhelming circumstances. If you can get a break and lessen your load, then you may be able to be helpful to mom in the first place. I know with nursing homes, the patient that gets the most visits and is closely watched by family members is usually not the one that gets the short end when it comes to short staffing. (The nursing homes I was familiar with took a "census", and when their rooms were not filled, and they didn't have enough private pay clients, then staffing was cut, and my father lay for two days in wet diapers, despite continual pushing of his button. His mind was there, meals were quickly brought in, but the underpaid short staff didn't seem to have the time to change him. I wish he had called me -- I was only visiting once a week because I was busy with mom, who was living at home, but unable to care for herself well.) Don't let the nursing home placement kill your mom's spirit (if they can put her in a Rehab wing, perhaps the respiratory problems will get help, rather than an area where people just "rest") and take the break you need for yourself, but make sure they know you are monitoring the situation. If you have others who can take turns visiting, then that should help out.

I suffer from too much guilt from not having helped my mother or father enough or having stopped neglect that contributed to the deaths of my parents. And I visited my mom every day, finally taking out of her assisted living after a horrendous fall. The would haves, should haves, could haves haunt me every day, but I do know the situation was much bigger than me, and shouldn't have fell on just one persons shoulders. It sounds like you too are burnt out and have needed to arrive at your decision. I am not in your situation, I only know mine. I also know that no family should have to experience the situation you are in. (I see the work overwhelmingly and frequently falls on the shoulders of a woman, although this is not always the case.) There are times when Rehab in nursing homes do help the situation. I think it may help both you and your mother out if you do it right. Glad you are getting counseling, I wish you, your mother, and your family recovery and improved health in the near future. Take care of yourself.

I hear you, and I clearly see that you are so exhausted and overwhelmed that no matter how hard you try, you may not be the best caretaker for mom. Your mother's condition of too much CO2 may be able to be mitigated and helped by a respiratory therapist. (The doctor she goes to specializes in this area??) I do know that sometimes O2 turned up too high can cause a build up of CO2, but don't do anything before checking with someone who is trained and knows her condition. Gatorade likely is being used for potassium -- there is potassium salt (fake salt) on the market and K (potassium) pills. But I'm in no position to give medical advice. Your health is suffering too, and it sounds like you are making the best decision you know, considering your overwhelming circumstances. If you can get a break and lessen your load, then you may be able to be helpful to mom in the first place. I know with nursing homes, the patient that gets the most visits and is closely watched by family members is usually not the one that gets the short end when it comes to short staffing. (The nursing homes I was familiar with took a "census", and when their rooms were not filled, and they didn't have enough private pay clients, then staffing was cut, and my father lay for two days in wet diapers, despite continual pushing of his button. His mind was there, meals were quickly brought in, but the underpaid short staff didn't seem to have the time to change him. I wish he had called me -- I was only visiting once a week because I was busy with mom, who was living at home, but unable to care for herself well.) Don't let the nursing home placement kill your mom's spirit (if they can put her in a Rehab wing, perhaps the respiratory problems will get help, rather than an area where people just "rest") and take the break you need for yourself, but make sure they know you are monitoring the situation. If you have others who can take turns visiting, then that should help out.

I suffer from too much guilt from not having helped my mother or father enough or having stopped neglect that contributed to the deaths of my parents. And I visited my mom every day, finally taking out of her assisted living after a horrendous fall. The would haves, should haves, could haves haunt me every day, but I do know the situation was much bigger than me, and shouldn't have fell on just one persons shoulders. It sounds like you too are burnt out and have needed to arrive at your decision. I am not in your situation, I only know mine. I also know that no family should have to experience the situation you are in. (I see the work overwhelmingly and frequently falls on the shoulders of a woman, although this is not always the case.) There are times when Rehab in nursing homes do help the situation. I think it may help both you and your mother out if you do it right. Glad you are getting counseling, I wish you, your mother, and your family recovery and improved health in the near future. Take care of yourself.

PT: Yes, you truly must follow your heart in this. It's not going to be an easy solution, and let's face it, no matter what you do (if you're anything like me) the alternative "what ifs" will haunt you regardless. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is best for you, family and Mom kind of all at once. You have SO many responsibilities. I marvel at it, but wonder also how you came to be the "go-to Gal" for everybody. After all, you're one woman and can only do so much. Nevertheless, everybody is depending on you and you're feeling the pressure. Not good. Where would husband, daughters, grand baby and Mom, all be if you became ill- mentally or physically? In my case, I realized nobody was going to step up and care for Mom, including me. I tried for six months and the impact on my family was severe. I couldn't keep it together for everybody, and my three siblings offered ZERO support. So, I chose the nursing home route, despite misgivings. Was it the best choice? Well no, because Mom would prefer not to be there. But, she's getting her needs met, and my family is getting theirs met. So ... who is the loser? I guess me because of the guilt. And mom because she's not thrilled with the environment. But, my family is healthier and so is Mom, even though she does not realize it. We cannot ALL be the dedicated 24/7 nurse, mother, provider, counselor, savior and sage without something giving. That's my two cents - for what it's worth. We make choices - that's what it comes down to. We don't want to. But sometimes we have to. Just a voice of support out here for you. You simply cannot be all things to all people. But, I think you're already realizing that. Prayers, support and hugs to you during this difficult decision and transition time.

PT: Yes, you truly must follow your heart in this. It's not going to be an easy solution, and let's face it, no matter what you do (if you're anything like me) the alternative "what ifs" will haunt you regardless. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is best for you, family and Mom kind of all at once. You have SO many responsibilities. I marvel at it, but wonder also how you came to be the "go-to Gal" for everybody. After all, you're one woman and can only do so much. Nevertheless, everybody is depending on you and you're feeling the pressure. Not good. Where would husband, daughters, grand baby and Mom, all be if you became ill- mentally or physically? In my case, I realized nobody was going to step up and care for Mom, including me. I tried for six months and the impact on my family was severe. I couldn't keep it together for everybody, and my three siblings offered ZERO support. So, I chose the nursing home route, despite misgivings. Was it the best choice? Well no, because Mom would prefer not to be there. But, she's getting her needs met, and my family is getting theirs met. So ... who is the loser? I guess me because of the guilt. And mom because she's not thrilled with the environment. But, my family is healthier and so is Mom, even though she does not realize it. We cannot ALL be the dedicated 24/7 nurse, mother, provider, counselor, savior and sage without something giving. That's my two cents - for what it's worth. We make choices - that's what it comes down to. We don't want to. But sometimes we have to. Just a voice of support out here for you. You simply cannot be all things to all people. But, I think you're already realizing that. Prayers, support and hugs to you during this difficult decision and transition time.

Thank you for all of your support. I am totally overwhelmed to the point of almost daily headaches and I was happy to watch mom half time with my sister but now that she is baling on me, I know I cannot do it full time. I am hopeful that since this particular nursing home has a 5 star rating that we have truly made the right choice. Since I cannot do it full time, I will be there as often as possible since it is a mere 15 minutes from my home. I will miss having her here terribly but I hope that she will enjoy coming here on visits and not be too angry with me. I just don't really know how I'm going to tell her my feelings as she knows that I love caretaking and I love her. I used to call her every single day until she went to my sister's house and then I had to be careful because they have a speaker phone for her and every time I talked with her, they knew everything I said. At the nursing home, she will have her own phone with a loud setting made just for elderly people. This nursing home is in a hospital as well and it is therefore inspected regularly by the State. We had a friend who died in the nursing home but while he was there, he liked it and several of his caregivers came to his funeral. I want mom taken care of and I'm not emotionally there for her all of the time nor can I be here physically.
I am the go to girl because mom was the go to girl and I learned it from her. My sister is a nurse and will spend time at that hospital and see her so I guess we both learned caregiving from mom. That's why this is so difficult. Mom took care of many but we can't take care of her. However, mom was younger than we are now and she never took care of someone alone. And always there was an end date. That's not true for mom. I hope the nursing home doesn't kill her but I want to know that someone is getting her dressed regularly as well as feeding her better meals than she is getting now and since mom was there in rehab 6 months ago, I know all about it. I know she will be mad at us but I hope she will understand. I think I'm emotionally not ready to take this on right now and I don't know if I ever will be but believe me, if things get really bad down there, I will strongly consider bringing her home and on my own, even if it kills me.
Mom and I have been close our entire lives...extremely close ... and I don't believe that my sister had such closeness as I did... So this is harder for me. My sister being a nurse also knows what lies ahead better than I do. I briefly worked part time as a "girl friday" in a nursing home but it was not really skilled nursing just a really nice old folks home but it should have been skilled nursing and I know that sometimes when they get there, they find that they really don't hate it and more importantly they don't hate it if family comes to visit and I will do that for my wonderful mother.
How do I tell her she is not a burden when I feel that she is somewhat of a burden but I don't want her to know that...if you know what I mean. I love her and need her in my life but I have too much right now. Anyway, thanks for your support. It really does help.

Thank you for all of your support. I am totally overwhelmed to the point of almost daily headaches and I was happy to watch mom half time with my sister but now that she is baling on me, I know I cannot do it full time. I am hopeful that since this particular nursing home has a 5 star rating that we have truly made the right choice. Since I cannot do it full time, I will be there as often as possible since it is a mere 15 minutes from my home. I will miss having her here terribly but I hope that she will enjoy coming here on visits and not be too angry with me. I just don't really know how I'm going to tell her my feelings as she knows that I love caretaking and I love her. I used to call her every single day until she went to my sister's house and then I had to be careful because they have a speaker phone for her and every time I talked with her, they knew everything I said. At the nursing home, she will have her own phone with a loud setting made just for elderly people. This nursing home is in a hospital as well and it is therefore inspected regularly by the State. We had a friend who died in the nursing home but while he was there, he liked it and several of his caregivers came to his funeral. I want mom taken care of and I'm not emotionally there for her all of the time nor can I be here physically.
I am the go to girl because mom was the go to girl and I learned it from her. My sister is a nurse and will spend time at that hospital and see her so I guess we both learned caregiving from mom. That's why this is so difficult. Mom took care of many but we can't take care of her. However, mom was younger than we are now and she never took care of someone alone. And always there was an end date. That's not true for mom. I hope the nursing home doesn't kill her but I want to know that someone is getting her dressed regularly as well as feeding her better meals than she is getting now and since mom was there in rehab 6 months ago, I know all about it. I know she will be mad at us but I hope she will understand. I think I'm emotionally not ready to take this on right now and I don't know if I ever will be but believe me, if things get really bad down there, I will strongly consider bringing her home and on my own, even if it kills me.
Mom and I have been close our entire lives...extremely close ... and I don't believe that my sister had such closeness as I did... So this is harder for me. My sister being a nurse also knows what lies ahead better than I do. I briefly worked part time as a "girl friday" in a nursing home but it was not really skilled nursing just a really nice old folks home but it should have been skilled nursing and I know that sometimes when they get there, they find that they really don't hate it and more importantly they don't hate it if family comes to visit and I will do that for my wonderful mother.
How do I tell her she is not a burden when I feel that she is somewhat of a burden but I don't want her to know that...if you know what I mean. I love her and need her in my life but I have too much right now. Anyway, thanks for your support. It really does help.