Husband with Pancreatic Cancer. I'm having a time staying strong for him.
Don, my husband of 30 years, has been losing weight for quite some time now, feeling poorly since about November. Tests, tests and more tests. Finally in mid-March, we found the Stage IV inoperable pancreatic cance with metastisis to the surrounding lymph nodes. After a second opinion from a renowned hospital, they suggested an aggressive chemo-radiation experimental treatment in an attempt to make him a surgical candidate. We agreed, however, when it came time to start, he decided the pain and side effects were not worth the effort, and that his existing diabetes would be too hard to control. At that time, his oncologist referred us to hospice. So far, it appears they will be a tremendous blessing. He was told he has maybe 6 more "good" weeks with 3-6 months life expectancy. However, I am having a very difficult time with all the family members coming in because I know they want to say goodbye, but having company can be trying in good times. I'm hoping the next round helps out more with meals, but after they leave, there's bed changing, towel washing, etc. I'm trying to continue working while I can so that I can use my vacation time to stay home with him when it becomes necessary. Should I be feeling guilty that I feel this is not fair to me too? He goes through good times and bad, and I know he is trying to help before he goes. He told me the other morning when he awoke, he thought he had had a nightmare, and it just broke my heart. Tomorrow we are meeting with the funeral home director, and I am having a hard time controlling my emotions.
Husband with Pancreatic Cancer. I'm having a time staying strong for him.
Don, my husband of 30 years, has been losing weight for quite some time now, feeling poorly since about November. Tests, tests and more tests. Finally in mid-March, we found the Stage IV inoperable pancreatic cance with metastisis to the surrounding lymph nodes. After a second opinion from a renowned hospital, they suggested an aggressive chemo-radiation experimental treatment in an attempt to make him a surgical candidate. We agreed, however, when it came time to start, he decided the pain and side effects were not worth the effort, and that his existing diabetes would be too hard to control. At that time, his oncologist referred us to hospice. So far, it appears they will be a tremendous blessing. He was told he has maybe 6 more "good" weeks with 3-6 months life expectancy. However, I am having a very difficult time with all the family members coming in because I know they want to say goodbye, but having company can be trying in good times. I'm hoping the next round helps out more with meals, but after they leave, there's bed changing, towel washing, etc. I'm trying to continue working while I can so that I can use my vacation time to stay home with him when it becomes necessary. Should I be feeling guilty that I feel this is not fair to me too? He goes through good times and bad, and I know he is trying to help before he goes. He told me the other morning when he awoke, he thought he had had a nightmare, and it just broke my heart. Tomorrow we are meeting with the funeral home director, and I am having a hard time controlling my emotions.
There was this e-mail I read about the use of asparagus to cure cancer. It says something about boiling the asparagus, blending it (using a blender) and taking 2 or 3 tablespoonful every morning and evening for about 3 months or so. Asparagus is a vegetable, so I don't think this would hurt any. One can even use it for prevention. The e-mail apart, I've noticed that when I eat asparagus my urine smells like penincilin, making me think the asparagus must have some medicinal properties.
There was this e-mail I read about the use of asparagus to cure cancer. It says something about boiling the asparagus, blending it (using a blender) and taking 2 or 3 tablespoonful every morning and evening for about 3 months or so. Asparagus is a vegetable, so I don't think this would hurt any. One can even use it for prevention. The e-mail apart, I've noticed that when I eat asparagus my urine smells like penincilin, making me think the asparagus must have some medicinal properties.
I went through this with my husbands last months, dying of colon cancer, in Jan/Feb this year. If the guests (especially family) are important, then just get some help to deal with the cleanup/laundry and preparation. Hospice may be able to refer you to a person/agency who could come in for a few hours or a day and do these tasks for you.
Other visitors, friends or neighbors, I scheduled 1 or 2 hour "Open houses" and invited a few people at a time. I was very clear that he wouldn't hold up for very long so the time duration was fixed, but that he would like to see them. People were very good about understanding and honoring the situation. And he loved seeing them and talking about things with them. But he couldn't last more than an hour at a time so I would just tell people that I was going to take him to bed when he got tired. They'd stay a few minutes and talk with me after that but left soon. It turned out to be a good way to manage it. Fewer visits, scheduled, and limited.
Please, spend your time with your husband, being "present" with him as much as you can. Don't let the "tasks" get the priority. If the laundry doesn't get done, then it'll be there later. Or ask the guests when they come do make their beds when they get there and strip them and take them to the laundry when they leave.
Just tell people you need them to do these tasks. Most people will be glad to do them and glad to help reduce your burden. They just need permission and direction.
The only regrets that I have is that I should have gotten more help with the "tasks", even though I got a lot of help, and wish I had spent more time just sitting beside him, holding his hand, snuggling, etc. It comforted both of us when I took time to do those things.
It's a really hard job, supporting someone through their last weeks, but just love him as much as you can and find ways to relieve yourself of anything that can be done by someone else.
My heart goes out to you. You'll be OK, just make it as easy as you can on yourself. And remember, your husband wants your love, affection, and companionship more than anything else.
I went through this with my husbands last months, dying of colon cancer, in Jan/Feb this year. If the guests (especially family) are important, then just get some help to deal with the cleanup/laundry and preparation. Hospice may be able to refer you to a person/agency who could come in for a few hours or a day and do these tasks for you.
Other visitors, friends or neighbors, I scheduled 1 or 2 hour "Open houses" and invited a few people at a time. I was very clear that he wouldn't hold up for very long so the time duration was fixed, but that he would like to see them. People were very good about understanding and honoring the situation. And he loved seeing them and talking about things with them. But he couldn't last more than an hour at a time so I would just tell people that I was going to take him to bed when he got tired. They'd stay a few minutes and talk with me after that but left soon. It turned out to be a good way to manage it. Fewer visits, scheduled, and limited.
Please, spend your time with your husband, being "present" with him as much as you can. Don't let the "tasks" get the priority. If the laundry doesn't get done, then it'll be there later. Or ask the guests when they come do make their beds when they get there and strip them and take them to the laundry when they leave.
Just tell people you need them to do these tasks. Most people will be glad to do them and glad to help reduce your burden. They just need permission and direction.
The only regrets that I have is that I should have gotten more help with the "tasks", even though I got a lot of help, and wish I had spent more time just sitting beside him, holding his hand, snuggling, etc. It comforted both of us when I took time to do those things.
It's a really hard job, supporting someone through their last weeks, but just love him as much as you can and find ways to relieve yourself of anything that can be done by someone else.
My heart goes out to you. You'll be OK, just make it as easy as you can on yourself. And remember, your husband wants your love, affection, and companionship more than anything else.
This was such a beautiful reply, Sharon Ann, and I wouldn't add much to it. I agree to the suggestion to limit guests -- the "open house" idea was terrific and I would add to also, if at all possible, only permit the most important visitors, such as your kids or siblings, to stay in your home during this time. All others could be referred to an affordable motel. No matter what, every guest, other than the equally infirm, should be doing all cleanup and tasks related to their stays. People will be glad to do it and if they are not, then hello Holiday Inn. I wholeheartedly agree also that the most important thing is to spend time just sitting together. Tasks can be a way to avoid what is happening, believe me, I understand that. But the biggest regret you will have is that you didn't spend enough time with him. Ask hospice for help or your local cancer center, which often has a family support team to assist with just things like this. Take care.
This was such a beautiful reply, Sharon Ann, and I wouldn't add much to it. I agree to the suggestion to limit guests -- the "open house" idea was terrific and I would add to also, if at all possible, only permit the most important visitors, such as your kids or siblings, to stay in your home during this time. All others could be referred to an affordable motel. No matter what, every guest, other than the equally infirm, should be doing all cleanup and tasks related to their stays. People will be glad to do it and if they are not, then hello Holiday Inn. I wholeheartedly agree also that the most important thing is to spend time just sitting together. Tasks can be a way to avoid what is happening, believe me, I understand that. But the biggest regret you will have is that you didn't spend enough time with him. Ask hospice for help or your local cancer center, which often has a family support team to assist with just things like this. Take care.
I agree with the suggestions, Sharon Ann. When I did the last 2 weeks of hospice with my sister, who had stage IV lung cancer with metastisis , the house was filled with company. All the family members, including my sister, my brother, and her daughter all pitched in.
We paid a maid, we shared the costs of food, etc. We did everything we could to provide my sister with flowers, massages, and all her last wishes.
I agree with the suggestions, Sharon Ann. When I did the last 2 weeks of hospice with my sister, who had stage IV lung cancer with metastisis , the house was filled with company. All the family members, including my sister, my brother, and her daughter all pitched in.
We paid a maid, we shared the costs of food, etc. We did everything we could to provide my sister with flowers, massages, and all her last wishes.
Use of Turmeric prevents the four major cancers of Americans. These cancers are rare in Asia where use of Turmeric powder, wet and dry, is in use for centuries. This is not commercial advise. Am sorry for you and your hubby. I am praying for both of you. I have a Chess playing Internet friend from Texas who has had Cancer of the throat. He doesn't smoke at all. Now he is ok after radiant treatment. Cheers
Use of Turmeric prevents the four major cancers of Americans. These cancers are rare in Asia where use of Turmeric powder, wet and dry, is in use for centuries. This is not commercial advise. Am sorry for you and your hubby. I am praying for both of you. I have a Chess playing Internet friend from Texas who has had Cancer of the throat. He doesn't smoke at all. Now he is ok after radiant treatment. Cheers
I lost my husband to colon cancer seventeen years ago today. It was in the liver before they found it (inoperable). He lived almost 2 years after that. My advice to you is to look into the hospice thing, ask your family and friends for help even when you don't want to, spend time together and never give up. I prayed for a miracle up until the last few weeks when I finally allowed myself to let go of my honey. There is only so much our loved ones can take (pain wise) and you can take as a caregiver. I am helping with my father who has alzheimers now. An awful disease I must say. Just be there for you hubby and it will give you peace of mind later. Praying for your strength. joanhux
I lost my husband to colon cancer seventeen years ago today. It was in the liver before they found it (inoperable). He lived almost 2 years after that. My advice to you is to look into the hospice thing, ask your family and friends for help even when you don't want to, spend time together and never give up. I prayed for a miracle up until the last few weeks when I finally allowed myself to let go of my honey. There is only so much our loved ones can take (pain wise) and you can take as a caregiver. I am helping with my father who has alzheimers now. An awful disease I must say. Just be there for you hubby and it will give you peace of mind later. Praying for your strength. joanhux
I think you have gotten excellent advise from the posts I have read. I would add to simply ask for help. People don't like to take things into their own hands without permission. so just ask and I am sure it will come. our Sister had stage IV pancreatic cancer and we lost her last Oct. after her going thru the normal surgeries and treatments that gave her 2.5 years of pretty good life. We just enjoyed what time we had left and a lot of tears helped and a lot of honest discussions with her Minister. I still cry a lot but getting easier with each day. I talk to her every day. I am praying and thinking about you, so just suggest to friends and family and usually they will be more than willing to help with whatever. love and hugs and prayers go out to you. Debt.
I think you have gotten excellent advise from the posts I have read. I would add to simply ask for help. People don't like to take things into their own hands without permission. so just ask and I am sure it will come. our Sister had stage IV pancreatic cancer and we lost her last Oct. after her going thru the normal surgeries and treatments that gave her 2.5 years of pretty good life. We just enjoyed what time we had left and a lot of tears helped and a lot of honest discussions with her Minister. I still cry a lot but getting easier with each day. I talk to her every day. I am praying and thinking about you, so just suggest to friends and family and usually they will be more than willing to help with whatever. love and hugs and prayers go out to you. Debt.
We're going through the same ordeal as your family DogLady.I want to start by thanking you,if I may,for posting your struggles because somedays I foolishly believe that I am the only wife in the world who ever cared for a dying husband,while juggling friends,family,work and home.I don't know why but it makes me feel stronger to know that others are trying to pull through as well.All my love and symphaty to you and your husband.
Like SharonAnn says,I believe the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband and the people who are gathering around him to say goodbye is to allow them to be helpful.Do not be afraid to ask them for some help if you are falling behind with laundry,housework,dinner or whatever is forgotten in the process of caring for a sick loved one.Friends and relatives need to feel helpful and part of the process,just as much as we need to concentrate our energies on keeping things functioning and sane. These vistis are not a social occasion and your friends are not there to be entertained.They want to be supportive and accompany the two of you as much as they can.Give them the chance and most important of all,give yourself the chance to ask for what you need and the small gestures that will allow you to cope.
It's hard to keep it together and reading your experience with the funeral arrangements brought tears to my eyes.I try to control my emotions as well but it's impossible and somedays the best thing I can do is have a good cry and feel angry.I sit at our synagogue alone every morning before going to work and rant angrily for the things that are happening and the future we are losing.It helps me to recognize my humanity,my impulse to be angry and frustrated,tired and insecure.I don't know if this makes any sense but if you deny yourself the opportunity to be sad and embrace the torrent of emotions that come with this experience,it's to deny your humanity,your personality and sense of self.Don't lose those percious things along with your husband,you will need all of you when the end comes.Scream that it isn't fair! Allow yourself to hear it out loud and cry.I so wish I could scream and cry with you.I don't know you or your husband,but somehow I feel as if I did.All my love and support (((hug))) Ana.
We're going through the same ordeal as your family DogLady.I want to start by thanking you,if I may,for posting your struggles because somedays I foolishly believe that I am the only wife in the world who ever cared for a dying husband,while juggling friends,family,work and home.I don't know why but it makes me feel stronger to know that others are trying to pull through as well.All my love and symphaty to you and your husband.
Like SharonAnn says,I believe the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband and the people who are gathering around him to say goodbye is to allow them to be helpful.Do not be afraid to ask them for some help if you are falling behind with laundry,housework,dinner or whatever is forgotten in the process of caring for a sick loved one.Friends and relatives need to feel helpful and part of the process,just as much as we need to concentrate our energies on keeping things functioning and sane. These vistis are not a social occasion and your friends are not there to be entertained.They want to be supportive and accompany the two of you as much as they can.Give them the chance and most important of all,give yourself the chance to ask for what you need and the small gestures that will allow you to cope.
It's hard to keep it together and reading your experience with the funeral arrangements brought tears to my eyes.I try to control my emotions as well but it's impossible and somedays the best thing I can do is have a good cry and feel angry.I sit at our synagogue alone every morning before going to work and rant angrily for the things that are happening and the future we are losing.It helps me to recognize my humanity,my impulse to be angry and frustrated,tired and insecure.I don't know if this makes any sense but if you deny yourself the opportunity to be sad and embrace the torrent of emotions that come with this experience,it's to deny your humanity,your personality and sense of self.Don't lose those percious things along with your husband,you will need all of you when the end comes.Scream that it isn't fair! Allow yourself to hear it out loud and cry.I so wish I could scream and cry with you.I don't know you or your husband,but somehow I feel as if I did.All my love and support (((hug))) Ana.
Thanks everyone. We just returned from an exhausting 9-day trip to Baltimore, Philadelphia and Albany (we live in the south) to see my husband's sisters and son. He is the baby of four, and his sisters do not travel anymore. I thought it was rather ambitious, but he insisted. About halfway through, he said he just wanted to go home. About the time I started making airline changes, he decided to push on. Saying goodbye was so emotional he couldn't breathe. Now his daughter is visiting from Texas, so I went to work a few days this week. She will leave this evening. He is dropping so much weight, and nothing seems to appeal to him. Last night, he had a little bit of cream of wheat. Fortunately, he likes the Boost drinks with ice cream. I had to buy him new jeans last week again, and he threw up on them. He was so upset, not at the throwing up, but at getting his new jeans soiled. I have been being more assertive with houseguests, and if the house is not as clean as I would like, so be it. Thanks to all.
Thanks everyone. We just returned from an exhausting 9-day trip to Baltimore, Philadelphia and Albany (we live in the south) to see my husband's sisters and son. He is the baby of four, and his sisters do not travel anymore. I thought it was rather ambitious, but he insisted. About halfway through, he said he just wanted to go home. About the time I started making airline changes, he decided to push on. Saying goodbye was so emotional he couldn't breathe. Now his daughter is visiting from Texas, so I went to work a few days this week. She will leave this evening. He is dropping so much weight, and nothing seems to appeal to him. Last night, he had a little bit of cream of wheat. Fortunately, he likes the Boost drinks with ice cream. I had to buy him new jeans last week again, and he threw up on them. He was so upset, not at the throwing up, but at getting his new jeans soiled. I have been being more assertive with houseguests, and if the house is not as clean as I would like, so be it. Thanks to all.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer and there is no easy way to deal with all of the grief. There is however a thought I would like to share with you. If you do not take care of yourself, you will be little help to him. By this I mean, tell all prospective visitors the truth, that this creates more work for you and you need to stay strong for him during this trying time. Recommend local hotels, contact these hotels for a family discount. The same with restaurants. There came a time when I was exhausted and had to do this. Surprisingly, most people accepted with grace. Please know that if people care about you, they will not mind.
Funeral arrangements can be a disaster. Not until after the expensive funeral did I find out that I did not have to assign the life insurance policy ahead of time. Preparing ahead will make you choose more wisely.
My prayers for you both.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer and there is no easy way to deal with all of the grief. There is however a thought I would like to share with you. If you do not take care of yourself, you will be little help to him. By this I mean, tell all prospective visitors the truth, that this creates more work for you and you need to stay strong for him during this trying time. Recommend local hotels, contact these hotels for a family discount. The same with restaurants. There came a time when I was exhausted and had to do this. Surprisingly, most people accepted with grace. Please know that if people care about you, they will not mind.
Funeral arrangements can be a disaster. Not until after the expensive funeral did I find out that I did not have to assign the life insurance policy ahead of time. Preparing ahead will make you choose more wisely.
My prayers for you both.