My mom had obviously been crying when I called her one day. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that my dad had come home from the deer camp and told her he was leaving her for another woman who was over at the deer camp with him. This was so out of character for my dad, I had a hard time believing it. However, my first husband did trade me in on a newer model so...it was possible. I made arrangements with my son-in-law to take me over there because, either way, he needed to come home and deal with the problem. Turns out, by the time we were getting ready to leave, he had come home and they had gone out to eat and she was fine. Her world was back in place. That was back in '01 and was the beginning of our journey with her. There never was a girlfriend - just her fear and paranoia of one.

My mom had obviously been crying when I called her one day. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that my dad had come home from the deer camp and told her he was leaving her for another woman who was over at the deer camp with him. This was so out of character for my dad, I had a hard time believing it. However, my first husband did trade me in on a newer model so...it was possible. I made arrangements with my son-in-law to take me over there because, either way, he needed to come home and deal with the problem. Turns out, by the time we were getting ready to leave, he had come home and they had gone out to eat and she was fine. Her world was back in place. That was back in '01 and was the beginning of our journey with her. There never was a girlfriend - just her fear and paranoia of one.

I am sorry for this news and am sure it has left you in a quandry! I don't know what stage your Mom is at, but let me tell you my experience. My mother is at a stage where she can still care for herself (although she lives with my sister who takes wonderful care of her) and she lives almost completely in the past. She can not remember something you will tell her in a matter of minutes. All that to say she comes up with incredible stories that are fabricated in her mind ALONE. We have taken drives and stopped into a coffee shop and she will tell me of conversations she just had with the man seated next to us. I have been by her side constantly and she never spoke with anyone. Please don't upset yourself unnecessarily over the stories your Mom may come up with. Unless you have verifiable proof that these things have occured, take it as a symptom of the disease. Also, please don't feel the need to either correct her or agree with her. In most cases yuo can change the topic of conversation and she may completely lose track of what she said earlier. May you be well and take care of yourself in the process. Blessings and peace to you and yours.

I am sorry for this news and am sure it has left you in a quandry! I don't know what stage your Mom is at, but let me tell you my experience. My mother is at a stage where she can still care for herself (although she lives with my sister who takes wonderful care of her) and she lives almost completely in the past. She can not remember something you will tell her in a matter of minutes. All that to say she comes up with incredible stories that are fabricated in her mind ALONE. We have taken drives and stopped into a coffee shop and she will tell me of conversations she just had with the man seated next to us. I have been by her side constantly and she never spoke with anyone. Please don't upset yourself unnecessarily over the stories your Mom may come up with. Unless you have verifiable proof that these things have occured, take it as a symptom of the disease. Also, please don't feel the need to either correct her or agree with her. In most cases yuo can change the topic of conversation and she may completely lose track of what she said earlier. May you be well and take care of yourself in the process. Blessings and peace to you and yours.

My mom, as she was getting ready to die (cancer) did tell us "early secrets".... one of them was that she was pretty sure that my older sister had a different father. (she had a fling before marriage to my dad) She was not senile, completely clear and bright, just felt that she should tell us everything. We believed her, did a DNA test and sure enough, we were half sisters. so what? it makes no real difference. We love each other. If your father left the home there had to be a reason.... Unless you have more info there is not much you can do about it. There are ways to check things like that, assuming your half sister took his last name.

My mom, as she was getting ready to die (cancer) did tell us "early secrets".... one of them was that she was pretty sure that my older sister had a different father. (she had a fling before marriage to my dad) She was not senile, completely clear and bright, just felt that she should tell us everything. We believed her, did a DNA test and sure enough, we were half sisters. so what? it makes no real difference. We love each other. If your father left the home there had to be a reason.... Unless you have more info there is not much you can do about it. There are ways to check things like that, assuming your half sister took his last name.

Likely you are dealing with a phantom relative due to brain malfunction or drug effects that produce hallucinations. My friend and I both experienced that the demented state(s) of our respective husbands revolved much around perceived existence of offspring and also jealousy.

For example, my husband will tell aides that we had 4 children, and another time he will say we had 5 children, when there are only 2 and he can name no more than two, sometime adds the name of our grand child. I know that for sure, being the mother of two. My friend's deceased husband used to constantly accuse her of adultery and perceived the new man to be in her bed even when she stood next to her very ill husband who got so agitated that he needed to be restrained for his own safety.

Another frequent area for hallucinations are recalls of past events interwoven with assurance (or wishful thinking) that different outcomes will occur this time. I think dealing with such expressions from a demented person one has loved and lived with is one of the hardest things to accept, but do not take it all for truth and rather let it be. Consult your doctor about adjusting drug treatment

Likely you are dealing with a phantom relative due to brain malfunction or drug effects that produce hallucinations. My friend and I both experienced that the demented state(s) of our respective husbands revolved much around perceived existence of offspring and also jealousy.

For example, my husband will tell aides that we had 4 children, and another time he will say we had 5 children, when there are only 2 and he can name no more than two, sometime adds the name of our grand child. I know that for sure, being the mother of two. My friend's deceased husband used to constantly accuse her of adultery and perceived the new man to be in her bed even when she stood next to her very ill husband who got so agitated that he needed to be restrained for his own safety.

Another frequent area for hallucinations are recalls of past events interwoven with assurance (or wishful thinking) that different outcomes will occur this time. I think dealing with such expressions from a demented person one has loved and lived with is one of the hardest things to accept, but do not take it all for truth and rather let it be. Consult your doctor about adjusting drug treatment

This is an interesting discussion. My 90 yr old father has decided (periodically he brings it up) That I am now a lesbian, and have had affairs with his live-in care giver (who refuses his overtures of "fooling around") He once asked me about my "Husband", I told him I had been divorced for several years. He called my brother (step-brother of 50+ yrs)"How are you doing?"he asked my bro. "Fine Dad how are you?" Dad replied, Well I just was worried since B up and divorced you. My Bro was very cool after learning this, then hearing "She turned, she doesn't like men now just women" My Bro just said, Well I'm married to P and B is my Sister Dad and I don't know about that other stuff." Dad also makes up stories about other events that he swears by, His past care giver that tried to poison him, (Oh Yea I was messing around with him also! Gee,I sure missed out on all the fun I was having!) and lots of other untruths. His view of his world is difficult to deal with sometimes, but mostly we try to listen then let it go since it really isn't reality. It pains me to hear him tell me what a bad person I am how in his mind I don't know anything, that I have stolen all his precious money and how he is going to sue me, take me to jail, and lots of other hurtful things, but at this point I am working on keeping him safe. Trying not to feel that pain of loss of a parent, who seems to, at times, hate everything about his life and takes it out on his only daughter. I try to laugh at the stories that are pretty ridiculous, mostly. I talk to my brother sometimes when things get rough, he lets me vent. But what is most painful is seeing my Dad who was the Boss of Everything, The most entertaining at any party, be the saddest most unhappy person, so angry at what life holds for him now, his vanity keeps him from meeting new people and having new experiences. He really was not cut out for a long life, but God has other reasons for keeping him around. I am looking for my own answers as to why I am here and not on a white beach with a umbrella over my head and in my drink! Watching turquoise waves and colorful birds in the trees! Oh well, I'll take my dog for a walk and watch the ducks at the local pond instead. Laughter is the only way to live through it, I pray for more every day! Bless all you children who are here.

This is an interesting discussion. My 90 yr old father has decided (periodically he brings it up) That I am now a lesbian, and have had affairs with his live-in care giver (who refuses his overtures of "fooling around") He once asked me about my "Husband", I told him I had been divorced for several years. He called my brother (step-brother of 50+ yrs)"How are you doing?"he asked my bro. "Fine Dad how are you?" Dad replied, Well I just was worried since B up and divorced you. My Bro was very cool after learning this, then hearing "She turned, she doesn't like men now just women" My Bro just said, Well I'm married to P and B is my Sister Dad and I don't know about that other stuff." Dad also makes up stories about other events that he swears by, His past care giver that tried to poison him, (Oh Yea I was messing around with him also! Gee,I sure missed out on all the fun I was having!) and lots of other untruths. His view of his world is difficult to deal with sometimes, but mostly we try to listen then let it go since it really isn't reality. It pains me to hear him tell me what a bad person I am how in his mind I don't know anything, that I have stolen all his precious money and how he is going to sue me, take me to jail, and lots of other hurtful things, but at this point I am working on keeping him safe. Trying not to feel that pain of loss of a parent, who seems to, at times, hate everything about his life and takes it out on his only daughter. I try to laugh at the stories that are pretty ridiculous, mostly. I talk to my brother sometimes when things get rough, he lets me vent. But what is most painful is seeing my Dad who was the Boss of Everything, The most entertaining at any party, be the saddest most unhappy person, so angry at what life holds for him now, his vanity keeps him from meeting new people and having new experiences. He really was not cut out for a long life, but God has other reasons for keeping him around. I am looking for my own answers as to why I am here and not on a white beach with a umbrella over my head and in my drink! Watching turquoise waves and colorful birds in the trees! Oh well, I'll take my dog for a walk and watch the ducks at the local pond instead. Laughter is the only way to live through it, I pray for more every day! Bless all you children who are here.

Yes, It is difficult to see your parents behave in ways that are not typical of the parent who raised you. I have to view altziemers as more than just something aging their brain; it's like a mental illness. It changes whatever bond you had with your parents, as you are taken aback by the change in them, particularly if the behavior takes on a bizarre quality. I have to remind myself that I am doing this caregiver task as a service to all that they did for me growing up. And even without the past growing-up years, good or bad, it's still the right thing to do to make their end days as healthy and happy as possible. Roll reversal doesn't come instantaneously, it's a process of taking on more and more responsibility as they slip in their mental faculties.

If I hadn't been here, one parent would have gone completely blind in one eye that had the wet form of macular degeneration. With medication it has been stopped from progressing, but that parent didn't have a clue what was happening to them. My other parent would be spending alot of time in a hospital because she will ignore smell and taste and eat old, dangerous food that she pulls out of the recesses of either her fridge or freezer. I've stopped her beforehand on several occasions but missed the most recent episode of old, breaded cod that smelled so bad that later I could still smell it after going back to my own home. Fortunately she only suffered for the duration of the night and it didn't end up with a hospital stay. I've since been more aggressive in getting rid of old food, finding some in her freezer from 2002. She's lucky she didn't get into botulism.

So focus on how you are helping the quality of their lives and the difference you are making, so you can give yourself some encouragement now and then.

Yes, It is difficult to see your parents behave in ways that are not typical of the parent who raised you. I have to view altziemers as more than just something aging their brain; it's like a mental illness. It changes whatever bond you had with your parents, as you are taken aback by the change in them, particularly if the behavior takes on a bizarre quality. I have to remind myself that I am doing this caregiver task as a service to all that they did for me growing up. And even without the past growing-up years, good or bad, it's still the right thing to do to make their end days as healthy and happy as possible. Roll reversal doesn't come instantaneously, it's a process of taking on more and more responsibility as they slip in their mental faculties.

If I hadn't been here, one parent would have gone completely blind in one eye that had the wet form of macular degeneration. With medication it has been stopped from progressing, but that parent didn't have a clue what was happening to them. My other parent would be spending alot of time in a hospital because she will ignore smell and taste and eat old, dangerous food that she pulls out of the recesses of either her fridge or freezer. I've stopped her beforehand on several occasions but missed the most recent episode of old, breaded cod that smelled so bad that later I could still smell it after going back to my own home. Fortunately she only suffered for the duration of the night and it didn't end up with a hospital stay. I've since been more aggressive in getting rid of old food, finding some in her freezer from 2002. She's lucky she didn't get into botulism.

So focus on how you are helping the quality of their lives and the difference you are making, so you can give yourself some encouragement now and then.

I'd personally take the information with a grain of salt. Dementia, depression, medications and sometimes simply wanting attention could cause outlandish stories. I think it's good and healthy that you are ok with it either way. For whatever reasons, the elderly seem to become almost a completely different person than when young. My mother has. She was never a complainer, and negative. Now, that's all she is. She's called the three of us that help her the most liars. She doesn't know what day of the week it is, what ths date is, and sometimes thinks I'm my sister. Although, she lives with me and the sister is 1000 miles away.

It's sad to the the slow deterioration of a loved one. Probably the last thing they want is any pity, so I keep that to myself. I'm apprehensive that my mother could go any day, so I'm as careful as I can be that each day is lived with her like it might be the last. If taking her out to breakfast, listening to her ramble at night, and going on rounds of doctors trips makes her last days any more comfortable, I can do it. One day I won't have her to do it for, and I'm sure I'd give the world to have her back to do it just one more day.

I'd personally take the information with a grain of salt. Dementia, depression, medications and sometimes simply wanting attention could cause outlandish stories. I think it's good and healthy that you are ok with it either way. For whatever reasons, the elderly seem to become almost a completely different person than when young. My mother has. She was never a complainer, and negative. Now, that's all she is. She's called the three of us that help her the most liars. She doesn't know what day of the week it is, what ths date is, and sometimes thinks I'm my sister. Although, she lives with me and the sister is 1000 miles away.

It's sad to the the slow deterioration of a loved one. Probably the last thing they want is any pity, so I keep that to myself. I'm apprehensive that my mother could go any day, so I'm as careful as I can be that each day is lived with her like it might be the last. If taking her out to breakfast, listening to her ramble at night, and going on rounds of doctors trips makes her last days any more comfortable, I can do it. One day I won't have her to do it for, and I'm sure I'd give the world to have her back to do it just one more day.

Everyone is so helpful and kind and sincere on here! I appreciate every word! I get so frustrated feeling alone until I hear similar things happen to so many. Mom is not on a single med for any health issue. She is "healthy as a horse" and that's what's so disconcerting. Can't blame the behavior on anything but nature, plus she could be around a long while and it's only going to get worse - she's a physically able 84-yr-old who is unaware of her mental failings. TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS. And now she is not taking care of herself but doesn't know it... I wish she would take something for depression but she won't. Refuses to take a thing. Prides herself on that fact.

The fiesty spirit that made her smart and interested and interesting in her "old" life is making her stubborn and obstinate and annoying to everyone in her "new" dementia life. Unpleasant and contrary and a miserable know-it-all, she contradicts us all, no matter what the topic.When she is wrong, she is right. It is so so sad. She is no longer the woman we loved. That woman is long gone. This one is someone else...It is hard to love her and want to take care of her. Really hard. She won't let us come clean her home. Contradicts the doctors we take her to. Refuses to listen to their advice- won't ask for help or accept help she is offered that she sorely needs. I am at my wits end....The accusations about my Dad's sexual prowess are just so random -- but each day she makes up more and more bizarre things now and I believe less and less that any of it is real in any way shape or form... Such a terrible terrible disease. Got to run - am on my way to a Dept of Aging Seminar -- my first -- long overdue....Wish me luck!

Everyone is so helpful and kind and sincere on here! I appreciate every word! I get so frustrated feeling alone until I hear similar things happen to so many. Mom is not on a single med for any health issue. She is "healthy as a horse" and that's what's so disconcerting. Can't blame the behavior on anything but nature, plus she could be around a long while and it's only going to get worse - she's a physically able 84-yr-old who is unaware of her mental failings. TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS. And now she is not taking care of herself but doesn't know it... I wish she would take something for depression but she won't. Refuses to take a thing. Prides herself on that fact.

The fiesty spirit that made her smart and interested and interesting in her "old" life is making her stubborn and obstinate and annoying to everyone in her "new" dementia life. Unpleasant and contrary and a miserable know-it-all, she contradicts us all, no matter what the topic.When she is wrong, she is right. It is so so sad. She is no longer the woman we loved. That woman is long gone. This one is someone else...It is hard to love her and want to take care of her. Really hard. She won't let us come clean her home. Contradicts the doctors we take her to. Refuses to listen to their advice- won't ask for help or accept help she is offered that she sorely needs. I am at my wits end....The accusations about my Dad's sexual prowess are just so random -- but each day she makes up more and more bizarre things now and I believe less and less that any of it is real in any way shape or form... Such a terrible terrible disease. Got to run - am on my way to a Dept of Aging Seminar -- my first -- long overdue....Wish me luck!

After my mom's accusations of the deer camp lover, when she would try to make these accusations, I would just tell her she ought to be ashamed of herself-she knows it's not true, that Poppa would never do her that way and she would hush. Maybe I shouldn't have been that way but we were lucky, that phase did not last very long with us.

After my mom's accusations of the deer camp lover, when she would try to make these accusations, I would just tell her she ought to be ashamed of herself-she knows it's not true, that Poppa would never do her that way and she would hush. Maybe I shouldn't have been that way but we were lucky, that phase did not last very long with us.

"The fiesty spirit that made her smart and interested and interesting in her old life is making her stubborn and obstinate and annoying to everyone in her new dementia life. Unpleasant and contrary and a miserable know-it-all, she contradicts us all, no matter what the topic.When she is wrong, she is right. It is so so sad."

"she's a physically able 84-yr-old who is unaware of her mental failings. TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS."

Perhaps she is totally aware and is covering her FEAR with stubborness and obstinance in the futile attempt to throw others off. I know with my Mom, as well as others, they are totally aware of what is happening to their mind. It makes life scary and unpredictable for them especially if they were always go getters and in control of their lives. Sounds to me like this is what you Mom is experiencing and doesn't want you or others to know how out of control she actualy feels. Please try to not take her attitude and hurtful things she may say personally. Bless you, MarylandMom.

"The fiesty spirit that made her smart and interested and interesting in her old life is making her stubborn and obstinate and annoying to everyone in her new dementia life. Unpleasant and contrary and a miserable know-it-all, she contradicts us all, no matter what the topic.When she is wrong, she is right. It is so so sad."

"she's a physically able 84-yr-old who is unaware of her mental failings. TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS."

Perhaps she is totally aware and is covering her FEAR with stubborness and obstinance in the futile attempt to throw others off. I know with my Mom, as well as others, they are totally aware of what is happening to their mind. It makes life scary and unpredictable for them especially if they were always go getters and in control of their lives. Sounds to me like this is what you Mom is experiencing and doesn't want you or others to know how out of control she actualy feels. Please try to not take her attitude and hurtful things she may say personally. Bless you, MarylandMom.

Oh massrunner -- you really made me stop and think. If it is what is happening to her, it is worse. Much worse. I'd like to think she has no clue that she is doing this. But yes, this is a more likely scenario - she knows or at least has a glimmer that she has lost it and is trapped and terrified. I sat in the freezing cold car after last night's meeting as I heard other people's stories and realized what you just said may be the case. I think I have been in denial...

I take nothing personally but find my heart is growing cold towards her. Is it my defense mechanism? I have not had time to mourn the loss of my father who died very suddenly months ago and now the mother that has always been my best friend, is no longer "there."

I am so scared to take all the steps I have been encouraged to take to have mom assessed because I know there is no good outcome in her future.I am afraid to lose her completely....MY fear is strong as well. This is just a terrible terrible dilemma for me.

Thsi si what just happened with my Dad who was old and ornery but not unwell. He had been having trouble walking and was slowing down and looked pale.... I went over to my parents house at the request of my Mom who was worried. I saw Dad drive up and try to come up the stairs at the house - he looked poorly. I tried to all is Kaiser docs. They were closed that day and told me to call 911. I called 911 to come check my Dad who looked poorly to me (he had not been ill nor had he EVER in his 89 and a half yrs been to an ER for anything other an a car accident once)and they decided his BP was off and that he seemed confused and needed to go to the hospital. He refused. We were panic-stricken. THey pushed for it. He got paler and paler. They asked if we wanted to get the police involved. I said yes - my mother just sat there in a daze. The police came and talked him into walking out (he refused to go on a gurney). He got more and more agitated and they shot him full of meds to calm him which had the reverse effect in the ambulance and in the hosp. He wentballistic - hitting and raging and screaming. Aman I have never seen. A 5'8", 150 pound 89 year old war vet could not be restrained by two 6-foot orderlies -- MORE dope was injected into his veins. My father was never coherent again. 9 days later he died peacefully in hospice where we moved him the day before, realizing he was never going to wake up. They had killed him. WE had killed him. I will never recover from the guilt of making the phone call. NEVER. Yes, I logically know that he was almost 90 and now we know was in kidney failure but as we sat in the hospital and heard the kidney doc tell us his kidneys only needed hydrating and they were fine by day two, I wondered what I had done. If only I had made him drink water and put him in bed. Maybe he would still be here.

And now people are saying to have my Mom assessed... Oh My God -- I have the same scenario coming to mind. I am tortured at the mere thought of the call.. Perhaps now you can see what I am feeling....

Oh massrunner -- you really made me stop and think. If it is what is happening to her, it is worse. Much worse. I'd like to think she has no clue that she is doing this. But yes, this is a more likely scenario - she knows or at least has a glimmer that she has lost it and is trapped and terrified. I sat in the freezing cold car after last night's meeting as I heard other people's stories and realized what you just said may be the case. I think I have been in denial...

I take nothing personally but find my heart is growing cold towards her. Is it my defense mechanism? I have not had time to mourn the loss of my father who died very suddenly months ago and now the mother that has always been my best friend, is no longer "there."

I am so scared to take all the steps I have been encouraged to take to have mom assessed because I know there is no good outcome in her future.I am afraid to lose her completely....MY fear is strong as well. This is just a terrible terrible dilemma for me.

Thsi si what just happened with my Dad who was old and ornery but not unwell. He had been having trouble walking and was slowing down and looked pale.... I went over to my parents house at the request of my Mom who was worried. I saw Dad drive up and try to come up the stairs at the house - he looked poorly. I tried to all is Kaiser docs. They were closed that day and told me to call 911. I called 911 to come check my Dad who looked poorly to me (he had not been ill nor had he EVER in his 89 and a half yrs been to an ER for anything other an a car accident once)and they decided his BP was off and that he seemed confused and needed to go to the hospital. He refused. We were panic-stricken. THey pushed for it. He got paler and paler. They asked if we wanted to get the police involved. I said yes - my mother just sat there in a daze. The police came and talked him into walking out (he refused to go on a gurney). He got more and more agitated and they shot him full of meds to calm him which had the reverse effect in the ambulance and in the hosp. He wentballistic - hitting and raging and screaming. Aman I have never seen. A 5'8", 150 pound 89 year old war vet could not be restrained by two 6-foot orderlies -- MORE dope was injected into his veins. My father was never coherent again. 9 days later he died peacefully in hospice where we moved him the day before, realizing he was never going to wake up. They had killed him. WE had killed him. I will never recover from the guilt of making the phone call. NEVER. Yes, I logically know that he was almost 90 and now we know was in kidney failure but as we sat in the hospital and heard the kidney doc tell us his kidneys only needed hydrating and they were fine by day two, I wondered what I had done. If only I had made him drink water and put him in bed. Maybe he would still be here.

And now people are saying to have my Mom assessed... Oh My God -- I have the same scenario coming to mind. I am tortured at the mere thought of the call.. Perhaps now you can see what I am feeling....

I smiled when I read this post, because one can never really know!

My father started talking about the fourth child--a guy who hung around my brother all the time. I humored him and teased, "But Mardig (we called him by his Armenian name MAR-deeg for Martin), that would mean you had four children!"

His descriptions were so vivid at times, I wondered if my immensely private father's dementia had loosened the stronghold on our family's secrets--after all, he was 49 when I was born. He lived half a life before I came around!

In any case, no such fourth child materialized and we all breathed a sigh of relief...

BUT, you never know!

I smiled when I read this post, because one can never really know!

My father started talking about the fourth child--a guy who hung around my brother all the time. I humored him and teased, "But Mardig (we called him by his Armenian name MAR-deeg for Martin), that would mean you had four children!"

His descriptions were so vivid at times, I wondered if my immensely private father's dementia had loosened the stronghold on our family's secrets--after all, he was 49 when I was born. He lived half a life before I came around!

In any case, no such fourth child materialized and we all breathed a sigh of relief...

BUT, you never know!

I understand your reluctance to have her tested but if she is in the early-to-mid stages, there are a lot of meds that can help get her back more lucid and functional. If you wait until she is later on in the process, there is not too much that can be done. My mom wouldn't take the meds - she fought us hard on that. Now she can't take very much to really help.

I understand your reluctance to have her tested but if she is in the early-to-mid stages, there are a lot of meds that can help get her back more lucid and functional. If you wait until she is later on in the process, there is not too much that can be done. My mom wouldn't take the meds - she fought us hard on that. Now she can't take very much to really help.

My father currently is living in a nursing home. He has dementia. My mother filed in Probate Court for Conservator/Guardianship and was granted. Therefore she was ordered to obtain a surety bond and submit reports to the court. However, she did not get a surety bond nor did she submit any reports. Now the courts have appointed an attorney as Conservator/Guardianship over my father. Is there some way to get this order overturned to appoint myself as Guardian and or Conservator over my father? Mainly my concern is to obtain Guardianship. Without Guardianship no relatives have any say in any matters concerning my fathers well being. Our family goes to the nursing home regularly to visit and often take my father out on special occassions and out to eat. At this point our family can not take my father no where and the family also has no say in any matter concerning his well being. It is my understanding that the nursing home staff can no longer release any information concerning my father. If a problem should arise the nursing home is to contact the attorney and not the famly. The family is not concerned with my fathers assets, money, property, etc. The family's main concern is the well being of my father and is very upset that we no longer have any rights concerning my father. No famly members have the money to obtain an attorney. I am in need of help to obtain Guardianship over my father. The family does not have a problem with the attorney having Conservatorship over my father. We (the family) think that it is very wrong that we can not make any decisions or be notified of any change in my fathers condition. We do not know where to turn to for help since we are not finacially able to hire an attorney.

My father currently is living in a nursing home. He has dementia. My mother filed in Probate Court for Conservator/Guardianship and was granted. Therefore she was ordered to obtain a surety bond and submit reports to the court. However, she did not get a surety bond nor did she submit any reports. Now the courts have appointed an attorney as Conservator/Guardianship over my father. Is there some way to get this order overturned to appoint myself as Guardian and or Conservator over my father? Mainly my concern is to obtain Guardianship. Without Guardianship no relatives have any say in any matters concerning my fathers well being. Our family goes to the nursing home regularly to visit and often take my father out on special occassions and out to eat. At this point our family can not take my father no where and the family also has no say in any matter concerning his well being. It is my understanding that the nursing home staff can no longer release any information concerning my father. If a problem should arise the nursing home is to contact the attorney and not the famly. The family is not concerned with my fathers assets, money, property, etc. The family's main concern is the well being of my father and is very upset that we no longer have any rights concerning my father. No famly members have the money to obtain an attorney. I am in need of help to obtain Guardianship over my father. The family does not have a problem with the attorney having Conservatorship over my father. We (the family) think that it is very wrong that we can not make any decisions or be notified of any change in my fathers condition. We do not know where to turn to for help since we are not finacially able to hire an attorney.

Oh, Maryland Mom, you have been through the wringer, all right. Please, please try not to torture yourself about your father's death (I know, easy to say, hard to do); the two saddest words in the English language are "if only". You and your mom were in a terrible situation, but think what it would have been like if she hadn't called you? She would've been alone with him that day, and what would she have done if he'd suddenly gone down? It does no good to second-guess yourself (and I'm still trying to convince MYSELF of that, but I know it's true); you did what you thought was right at the time, only wanting the best for your dad.

I think the feeling you have of "growing cold to her" IS a defense mechanism; I think with the pain of the loss of your father (that you haven't had time to deal with), and the behavior changes in your mom, your emotions are overloaded and you're having trouble coping. I think, to cut down on overwhelming stress, your emotions are going on strike. I don't think it's permanent, but it may be that you need to step back from your feelings for awhile to take the best care of your mom.

I understand about the fear of getting your mom assessed, but look at it this way; maybe getting a scientific test and getting the news officially will actually HELP your mom. She'll know exactly what's wrong, and as a previous poster said, if you start early enough, there are drugs that can help her function more normally, which I think would help reestablish a sense of personal control for her, and tone down her fears. I do believe she suspects what's happening to her; my mom is in mid-stage dementia, in the later half, and is starting to forget grandchildren. Sometimes, I see a bewildered fear in her eyes, that seems like her "self" that is getting isolated from her current thoughts knows what's going on and wants to get back out. It breaks my heart, especially as I know we're doing all we can to make her happy and comfortable; she's in a very good nursing home and they are so good with her, but we know she is disappearing.

Anyway, please talk to her and your doctor about this; you may be suffering from depression (I am, too), and if so, there are medications that can help you function better and balance your emotions so you can make the best choices possible. God bless you, keep coming back and posting so we know how you're doing. We are here, and we care.

Oh, Maryland Mom, you have been through the wringer, all right. Please, please try not to torture yourself about your father's death (I know, easy to say, hard to do); the two saddest words in the English language are "if only". You and your mom were in a terrible situation, but think what it would have been like if she hadn't called you? She would've been alone with him that day, and what would she have done if he'd suddenly gone down? It does no good to second-guess yourself (and I'm still trying to convince MYSELF of that, but I know it's true); you did what you thought was right at the time, only wanting the best for your dad.

I think the feeling you have of "growing cold to her" IS a defense mechanism; I think with the pain of the loss of your father (that you haven't had time to deal with), and the behavior changes in your mom, your emotions are overloaded and you're having trouble coping. I think, to cut down on overwhelming stress, your emotions are going on strike. I don't think it's permanent, but it may be that you need to step back from your feelings for awhile to take the best care of your mom.

I understand about the fear of getting your mom assessed, but look at it this way; maybe getting a scientific test and getting the news officially will actually HELP your mom. She'll know exactly what's wrong, and as a previous poster said, if you start early enough, there are drugs that can help her function more normally, which I think would help reestablish a sense of personal control for her, and tone down her fears. I do believe she suspects what's happening to her; my mom is in mid-stage dementia, in the later half, and is starting to forget grandchildren. Sometimes, I see a bewildered fear in her eyes, that seems like her "self" that is getting isolated from her current thoughts knows what's going on and wants to get back out. It breaks my heart, especially as I know we're doing all we can to make her happy and comfortable; she's in a very good nursing home and they are so good with her, but we know she is disappearing.

Anyway, please talk to her and your doctor about this; you may be suffering from depression (I am, too), and if so, there are medications that can help you function better and balance your emotions so you can make the best choices possible. God bless you, keep coming back and posting so we know how you're doing. We are here, and we care.

It's frightening how real our loved ones can display what is going thru their minds. whether real, imagined, or even as I have noticed with my Mom, something she has picked up on a television show. Which I try to keep upbeat or oldies she can remember enjoying and have good moments with now. We watch a lot of musical programs also. We just have to take anything that is said with a grain of salt and weigh it out to see if there is an underlying need behind what is said. One of the bigest heartbreaks in dealing with this disease. So unknown and so many variables. Prayers,Hugs, and best for all.

It's frightening how real our loved ones can display what is going thru their minds. whether real, imagined, or even as I have noticed with my Mom, something she has picked up on a television show. Which I try to keep upbeat or oldies she can remember enjoying and have good moments with now. We watch a lot of musical programs also. We just have to take anything that is said with a grain of salt and weigh it out to see if there is an underlying need behind what is said. One of the bigest heartbreaks in dealing with this disease. So unknown and so many variables. Prayers,Hugs, and best for all.

Boy can I relate to the wondering when I will be on the beach, savoring the turquois waters with a tropical drink in hand. I early retired from a job, after 30 years of working there, to care for Mom. It has been worthwhile, but about 3 days ago, she has gone to a new level of AD that I have not seen and I am frightened. She suddenly believes that there is a child (my 6 year old grandson) living under her bed. She believes ants are crawling on her walls and that big, primary color (her words), spiders are under her bed and she's fearful for the boy. No amount of comforting and attempting to convince her that these things were not happening could change her reality. She has stayed up for about 48 hours (she is finally sleeping at this moment), searching and trying to get the boy out from under her bed.

I am ready to take her to a geriatric doctor to see what is going on, but after reading many of the posts at this wonderful site, am beginning to see that this is not so unusual after all.

Thanks for listening, and I will pray for all of us to give us the patience and strength we need to give our loved ones the best care we can.

Boy can I relate to the wondering when I will be on the beach, savoring the turquois waters with a tropical drink in hand. I early retired from a job, after 30 years of working there, to care for Mom. It has been worthwhile, but about 3 days ago, she has gone to a new level of AD that I have not seen and I am frightened. She suddenly believes that there is a child (my 6 year old grandson) living under her bed. She believes ants are crawling on her walls and that big, primary color (her words), spiders are under her bed and she's fearful for the boy. No amount of comforting and attempting to convince her that these things were not happening could change her reality. She has stayed up for about 48 hours (she is finally sleeping at this moment), searching and trying to get the boy out from under her bed.

I am ready to take her to a geriatric doctor to see what is going on, but after reading many of the posts at this wonderful site, am beginning to see that this is not so unusual after all.

Thanks for listening, and I will pray for all of us to give us the patience and strength we need to give our loved ones the best care we can.

Be sure to check for a UTI.

Be sure to check for a UTI.

Hang in there nonnieluv; devastating, just devastating. I pray for some peace for both of you...

Hang in there nonnieluv; devastating, just devastating. I pray for some peace for both of you...

What is a UTI?

What is a UTI?

Urinary tract infection! Something that can cause lots of problems that doctors often miss!

Urinary tract infection! Something that can cause lots of problems that doctors often miss!

We are leaving the discussion of "family secrets" and are now in the equally challenging field of how to respond to fixations in general. There is not a day I am not being asked if the luggage and passport are ready and if slides and projector are packed and "when are we leaving?" All of that by my husband and colleague of 50 years who is bedridden and incapable of even standing on his feet as he is at an advanced stage of Parkinson's and dementia. So how do you play this? With humor? Or by going along up to a point? But then comes a critical moment when you cannot "deliver" and that can lead to a violent protest on the part of the patient and you have all hands full and hopefully some medication handy to calm him or her down. I found a momentary positive response helpful but always have to remove myself from the room and return at a time when other less inflammatory issues are present. I think many of you can identify with this

We are leaving the discussion of "family secrets" and are now in the equally challenging field of how to respond to fixations in general. There is not a day I am not being asked if the luggage and passport are ready and if slides and projector are packed and "when are we leaving?" All of that by my husband and colleague of 50 years who is bedridden and incapable of even standing on his feet as he is at an advanced stage of Parkinson's and dementia. So how do you play this? With humor? Or by going along up to a point? But then comes a critical moment when you cannot "deliver" and that can lead to a violent protest on the part of the patient and you have all hands full and hopefully some medication handy to calm him or her down. I found a momentary positive response helpful but always have to remove myself from the room and return at a time when other less inflammatory issues are present. I think many of you can identify with this

I appreciate your comments. I will check for a UTI. I should have thought of that because several months ago Mom had a UTI and had some unusual behavior, but nothing like the "boy under her bed". Also, I had given her 1 vicadin for back pain as her dr. said she could have it if Tylenol did not help. Perhaps the vicadin caused dillusions. She does seem more like herself today, although she is absolutely certain the boy was under her bed. So be it, I will play along as suggested.

Thank you for the encouragement, prayers and comments.

I appreciate your comments. I will check for a UTI. I should have thought of that because several months ago Mom had a UTI and had some unusual behavior, but nothing like the "boy under her bed". Also, I had given her 1 vicadin for back pain as her dr. said she could have it if Tylenol did not help. Perhaps the vicadin caused dillusions. She does seem more like herself today, although she is absolutely certain the boy was under her bed. So be it, I will play along as suggested.

Thank you for the encouragement, prayers and comments.

Thanks for the explanation....

Thanks for the explanation....