Family Opinions on Our Caregiving Choices
Hello, Everyone.
First, let me thank you all in advance for your attention to my query. I am a frequent reader, but, and infrequent poster, and have gained much strength (and shed more than a few tears!) reading here.
If you'd like a bit of background on our situation, my only two (quite lengthy!) posts, which describe our family living arrangements, can be found in the following thread.--->
http://www.caring.com/forums/living-arrangements-forum/welcome-to-living-arrangements
OK ... deep breath On to my (too lengthy!) query:
My husband and I are caregivers for my family (Dad; passed away 2 short months ago at 91, after a long, painful battle with cancer, Mom; 87 with dementia / Alzheimer's and Aunt; 82 and developmentally disabled). My husband works full-time and he and I also recently opened our own home-based business. I quit working in the corporate world in August 2009.
My 60-year old mother-in-law recently came for a 30-day visit from Germany, and was nothing but critical of the care we were providing and the decisions we've made. It's her opinion that we're 'money hungry' and that, instead of caring for my mother and aunt in the family home (where they've comfortably lived for 50 years), we should be selling the house, placing them both in care homes, and getting on with our lives (which is what she did with HER mom).
My husband and I, although sometimes physically and emotionally exhausted by the choice we've made, are still confident that we've done the RIGHT thing by everyone. After watching my mom in a rehab facility for 2 months, there's NO doubt that she's healthier, happier and better cared for with us! Sure, there are moments that she's depressed, angry, violent, confused, delusional, hallucinating, etc ... this is dementia/Alz, after all! But, she eating better, no longer has bedsores, no more catheter, no more UTIs, no more INTENSELY severe paranoia, etc!
I'll freely admit that my husband an I are more secure financially by living in the family home. After all, this was our family's long-term plan (see linked post above)! My dad, mom and aunt have also benefited by this arrangement. How much would live-in, 24-hour care have cost for 3 elderly, disabled and/or sick adults? My husband and I recently took a 7 day trip with the MIL (yay, Disneyland!). The caregiving bill (which my husband and I paid, btw) was $3,000.00 ... for ONE week! Yikes!
The MIL recently wrote us an email (after summarily ruining our Disneyland trip; another story entirely)! She had nothing good to say, and the entire email was about us being 'money hungry', and questioned our motives for being caregivers. She was SO caustic, accusatory and bitter, that we had to remind ourselves that I gave up a 25-year career and a 100k / year salary for a 24-hour, stuck-in-the-house, unpaid caregiving gig! Most of the email was directed at me and addressed my failings as a wife to her dear son (he's gained weight in America, we're only living here for a free ride, I've brainwashed her son, etc).
Her main complaint is that I, as an only child, would rather struggle with my mother's care (sleepless nights, caregiver burnout, much sadness at watching her decline, relationship sacrifices; what sex?!) than to sell the family home (Northern California, worth about $800k) and put both my mom and aunt in care homes. This is completely unthinkable to me, especially after seeing the kind of 'care' my mom received in a rehabilitation facility.
So, this is (finally!) the question:
Should we even respond to the email? Will it do us any good to reply and try to explain ourselves? Or, is it just better to let her think whatever it is she's going to think and he and I get on with the business of living and enjoying our lives?
My husband is SO upset that he never wants to speak with his mom again. I, of course, know that "the silent treatment" isn't sustainable and that, for everyone's good, he will eventually have to patch things up with his mom. That said, her issues (obviously!) run far deeper and wider than just me and my choices for my family!
I appreciate any insight you can give and welcome and queries that you might have.
Family Opinions on Our Caregiving Choices
Hello, Everyone.
First, let me thank you all in advance for your attention to my query. I am a frequent reader, but, and infrequent poster, and have gained much strength (and shed more than a few tears!) reading here.
If you'd like a bit of background on our situation, my only two (quite lengthy!) posts, which describe our family living arrangements, can be found in the following thread.--->
http://www.caring.com/forums/living-arrangements-forum/welcome-to-living-arrangements
OK ... deep breath On to my (too lengthy!) query:
My husband and I are caregivers for my family (Dad; passed away 2 short months ago at 91, after a long, painful battle with cancer, Mom; 87 with dementia / Alzheimer's and Aunt; 82 and developmentally disabled). My husband works full-time and he and I also recently opened our own home-based business. I quit working in the corporate world in August 2009.
My 60-year old mother-in-law recently came for a 30-day visit from Germany, and was nothing but critical of the care we were providing and the decisions we've made. It's her opinion that we're 'money hungry' and that, instead of caring for my mother and aunt in the family home (where they've comfortably lived for 50 years), we should be selling the house, placing them both in care homes, and getting on with our lives (which is what she did with HER mom).
My husband and I, although sometimes physically and emotionally exhausted by the choice we've made, are still confident that we've done the RIGHT thing by everyone. After watching my mom in a rehab facility for 2 months, there's NO doubt that she's healthier, happier and better cared for with us! Sure, there are moments that she's depressed, angry, violent, confused, delusional, hallucinating, etc ... this is dementia/Alz, after all! But, she eating better, no longer has bedsores, no more catheter, no more UTIs, no more INTENSELY severe paranoia, etc!
I'll freely admit that my husband an I are more secure financially by living in the family home. After all, this was our family's long-term plan (see linked post above)! My dad, mom and aunt have also benefited by this arrangement. How much would live-in, 24-hour care have cost for 3 elderly, disabled and/or sick adults? My husband and I recently took a 7 day trip with the MIL (yay, Disneyland!). The caregiving bill (which my husband and I paid, btw) was $3,000.00 ... for ONE week! Yikes!
The MIL recently wrote us an email (after summarily ruining our Disneyland trip; another story entirely)! She had nothing good to say, and the entire email was about us being 'money hungry', and questioned our motives for being caregivers. She was SO caustic, accusatory and bitter, that we had to remind ourselves that I gave up a 25-year career and a 100k / year salary for a 24-hour, stuck-in-the-house, unpaid caregiving gig! Most of the email was directed at me and addressed my failings as a wife to her dear son (he's gained weight in America, we're only living here for a free ride, I've brainwashed her son, etc).
Her main complaint is that I, as an only child, would rather struggle with my mother's care (sleepless nights, caregiver burnout, much sadness at watching her decline, relationship sacrifices; what sex?!) than to sell the family home (Northern California, worth about $800k) and put both my mom and aunt in care homes. This is completely unthinkable to me, especially after seeing the kind of 'care' my mom received in a rehabilitation facility.
So, this is (finally!) the question:
Should we even respond to the email? Will it do us any good to reply and try to explain ourselves? Or, is it just better to let her think whatever it is she's going to think and he and I get on with the business of living and enjoying our lives?
My husband is SO upset that he never wants to speak with his mom again. I, of course, know that "the silent treatment" isn't sustainable and that, for everyone's good, he will eventually have to patch things up with his mom. That said, her issues (obviously!) run far deeper and wider than just me and my choices for my family!
I appreciate any insight you can give and welcome and queries that you might have.
First let me say that I admire the forethought you all put into planning for everyone's future. So often it "just happens", and does not always have a good conclusion. Kudos to you and your family and I think this sounds like a really wonderful set up where everyone had a chance to contribute.
As for your MIL...so many things could be happening with her; envy, fear for herself...hard to say. I would hesitate to break ties without knowing if there is an underlying issue, or, prehaps, even an illness on her part. Regardless of that, I don't think she would accept any attempt at explanation. A simple 'Sorry, you feel that way, but we simply don't agree and have found, for us, the best solution."
I do, however, believe that your husband should make the reply so that she knows he's on board. Too often a MIL will create confrontations with a DIL and the son will stand by, allowing the MIL to maintain an illusion of "if it weren't for HER my baby boy would....." (fill in the blank). Often then the MIL will continue harping while the son remains silent and she assumes by ommission that she is 'protecting the best interest of her baby'.
All the best to you and your family and congratulations for making the best of both worlds in an all too often sticky (at best) situation.
First let me say that I admire the forethought you all put into planning for everyone's future. So often it "just happens", and does not always have a good conclusion. Kudos to you and your family and I think this sounds like a really wonderful set up where everyone had a chance to contribute.
As for your MIL...so many things could be happening with her; envy, fear for herself...hard to say. I would hesitate to break ties without knowing if there is an underlying issue, or, prehaps, even an illness on her part. Regardless of that, I don't think she would accept any attempt at explanation. A simple 'Sorry, you feel that way, but we simply don't agree and have found, for us, the best solution."
I do, however, believe that your husband should make the reply so that she knows he's on board. Too often a MIL will create confrontations with a DIL and the son will stand by, allowing the MIL to maintain an illusion of "if it weren't for HER my baby boy would....." (fill in the blank). Often then the MIL will continue harping while the son remains silent and she assumes by ommission that she is 'protecting the best interest of her baby'.
All the best to you and your family and congratulations for making the best of both worlds in an all too often sticky (at best) situation.
Hello, Frazzled.
Thank you for your well-thought-out reply. My husband and I, believe it or not, have come to a lot of the same conclusions that you have. It's quite comforting to know that we're not alone in our thinking, and that we're not (too!) crazy. =o) Thank you, also, for recognizing that my family and I REALLY put a lot of thought in to this living arrangement situation.
We've always been up-front and honest about (everyone's) mortality, so, me taking care of my parents and my aunt was a given, and a natural extension of our love for one-another and our responsibility TO one-another as a family. Everyone wins in this situation, IMO (although, it seems to me that my husband, bless his heart, pays the stiffest price).
Interestingly enough, my husband and I have placed envy / jealousy at the top of our 'possible reasons' list for the MIL's attitude. My MIL didn't prepare at all for caring for her mother, her retirement, the long-term, the sad decline of HER marriage, etc.
Unfortunately, she's without any real property (she never bought a home, whereas my husband and own a home, free and clear).
She's without financial stability (whereas, I've been able to "retire" at 45, with the help of my rental property, the family home and some VERY thrifty living and regular saving on my husband and I's part).
Her son moved to America and married me (he used to be her best buddy and full-time activity partner while he was still living in Germany).
And, lastly, he and I are TRULY best friends - you hear that a lot, but, in our case, it's REALLY true (whereas her marriage is falling down around her and she's MISERABLE, but, still living with her husband because she's financially unable to break free).
I would never think of replying to the MIL's email, for the reason you mentioned above. I DO think, though, that your phrase "Sorry, you feel that way, but we simply don't agree and have found, for us, the best solution." is a winner! I've read your reply to my husband, and, he'll probably use something similar to reply to her, if he replies at all.
Unfortunately, his thinking now is "She'll change her tune in a few years ... or not. I really don't care."
That makes me sad. And, I know -- whether he knows it or not -- it makes him sad too. =o/ But, he and I tend to believe that the ONLY way she'll be happy is if he divorces me, gives up his career and business in America, moves back to Germany, and starts hanging out with her again (so she can forget about her miserable marriage).
sigh Families are "interesting" sometimes.
Thank you so very much for your response, slfredine. You helped us both to feel better about 'the crisis of the moment'. =o)
Hello, Frazzled.
Thank you for your well-thought-out reply. My husband and I, believe it or not, have come to a lot of the same conclusions that you have. It's quite comforting to know that we're not alone in our thinking, and that we're not (too!) crazy. =o) Thank you, also, for recognizing that my family and I REALLY put a lot of thought in to this living arrangement situation.
We've always been up-front and honest about (everyone's) mortality, so, me taking care of my parents and my aunt was a given, and a natural extension of our love for one-another and our responsibility TO one-another as a family. Everyone wins in this situation, IMO (although, it seems to me that my husband, bless his heart, pays the stiffest price).
Interestingly enough, my husband and I have placed envy / jealousy at the top of our 'possible reasons' list for the MIL's attitude. My MIL didn't prepare at all for caring for her mother, her retirement, the long-term, the sad decline of HER marriage, etc.
Unfortunately, she's without any real property (she never bought a home, whereas my husband and own a home, free and clear).
She's without financial stability (whereas, I've been able to "retire" at 45, with the help of my rental property, the family home and some VERY thrifty living and regular saving on my husband and I's part).
Her son moved to America and married me (he used to be her best buddy and full-time activity partner while he was still living in Germany).
And, lastly, he and I are TRULY best friends - you hear that a lot, but, in our case, it's REALLY true (whereas her marriage is falling down around her and she's MISERABLE, but, still living with her husband because she's financially unable to break free).
I would never think of replying to the MIL's email, for the reason you mentioned above. I DO think, though, that your phrase "Sorry, you feel that way, but we simply don't agree and have found, for us, the best solution." is a winner! I've read your reply to my husband, and, he'll probably use something similar to reply to her, if he replies at all.
Unfortunately, his thinking now is "She'll change her tune in a few years ... or not. I really don't care."
That makes me sad. And, I know -- whether he knows it or not -- it makes him sad too. =o/ But, he and I tend to believe that the ONLY way she'll be happy is if he divorces me, gives up his career and business in America, moves back to Germany, and starts hanging out with her again (so she can forget about her miserable marriage).
sigh Families are "interesting" sometimes.
Thank you so very much for your response, slfredine. You helped us both to feel better about 'the crisis of the moment'. =o)
Ah, yes, "interesting"! :-) I've found that I use "interesting" a lot these days as a euphemism for a less socially acceptable two word phrase. LOL!
Dementia is so "interesting"!
Family dynamics are so "interesting"!
Health care is so "interesting"!
I truly wish you all the best. I love the candor you have expressed that exists in your family...that will get you through a lot!
May your continued journey be far more peaceful than "interesting"!
Ah, yes, "interesting"! :-) I've found that I use "interesting" a lot these days as a euphemism for a less socially acceptable two word phrase. LOL!
Dementia is so "interesting"!
Family dynamics are so "interesting"!
Health care is so "interesting"!
I truly wish you all the best. I love the candor you have expressed that exists in your family...that will get you through a lot!
May your continued journey be far more peaceful than "interesting"!
"May your continued journey be far more peaceful than "interesting"!"
LOL! Thank you for the breakfast chuckle!
Now, I MUST contribute to that joke thread. =o)
"May your continued journey be far more peaceful than "interesting"!"
LOL! Thank you for the breakfast chuckle!
Now, I MUST contribute to that joke thread. =o)
Update:
I SO love my husband! He rose to the occasion and just sent the following email to his mean, meddling mother:
==========
"Mum,
I love you with all my heart. But, my heart also belong to my wife. You should always love and cherish the people that brought you into this world, but there are boundaries, and you are crossing the line. I am not your husband. I am your son. Confusing the two can only make things ugly. Surely, you don't want me to resent you?
This is hard. You need to realize that I am an adult and that I do not need your input on everything in my life. My wife and I are one-another's support system now. When I do need you, I will come to you and let you know. If you expect to have a relationship with me at all, you need to accept my wife, because she is not going anywhere.
I love you, but, you are disrespecting me when you disrespect my wife. You probably feel like what you are doing is 'caring', but, what it really is is an attempt at 'controlling'. Your behaviour and emails have hurt me deeply, and your comments are only driving me further away from you. No mother would intentionally want to hurt their child, would they?
This is the last email I will be sending to you in "response" to your argumentative, hurtful emails. Your bad attitude, prejudice towards everyone and everything, comments about my (or my wife's!) weight, unfounded concerns and opinions on our family caregiving choices, and personal email attacks will not be tolerated.
I love you, but, I'm a grown man. If you can’t respect me by respecting my wife and the choices we've made together, then you are acting like the child in this relationship. You are being totally irresponsible and manipulative and not acting like a parent at all.
Please don't respond if you are going to send more of the same. Your behaviour is damaging my relationship with you, and, if your mean-spirited attacks continue, I will be forced to end my relationship with you."
==========
Ouch. But, yay! I hope she also rises to the occasion and , somehow, realizes that she needs to step up and be a loving, supportive parent!
Update:
I SO love my husband! He rose to the occasion and just sent the following email to his mean, meddling mother:
==========
"Mum,
I love you with all my heart. But, my heart also belong to my wife. You should always love and cherish the people that brought you into this world, but there are boundaries, and you are crossing the line. I am not your husband. I am your son. Confusing the two can only make things ugly. Surely, you don't want me to resent you?
This is hard. You need to realize that I am an adult and that I do not need your input on everything in my life. My wife and I are one-another's support system now. When I do need you, I will come to you and let you know. If you expect to have a relationship with me at all, you need to accept my wife, because she is not going anywhere.
I love you, but, you are disrespecting me when you disrespect my wife. You probably feel like what you are doing is 'caring', but, what it really is is an attempt at 'controlling'. Your behaviour and emails have hurt me deeply, and your comments are only driving me further away from you. No mother would intentionally want to hurt their child, would they?
This is the last email I will be sending to you in "response" to your argumentative, hurtful emails. Your bad attitude, prejudice towards everyone and everything, comments about my (or my wife's!) weight, unfounded concerns and opinions on our family caregiving choices, and personal email attacks will not be tolerated.
I love you, but, I'm a grown man. If you can’t respect me by respecting my wife and the choices we've made together, then you are acting like the child in this relationship. You are being totally irresponsible and manipulative and not acting like a parent at all.
Please don't respond if you are going to send more of the same. Your behaviour is damaging my relationship with you, and, if your mean-spirited attacks continue, I will be forced to end my relationship with you."
==========
Ouch. But, yay! I hope she also rises to the occasion and , somehow, realizes that she needs to step up and be a loving, supportive parent!
Bravo!!
Now I hope the MIL will step back, take a deep breathe, realize what she's done, and chose to let things heal.
Bravo!!
Now I hope the MIL will step back, take a deep breathe, realize what she's done, and chose to let things heal.
I wonder how many other people would like to say that to the "interesting" people in their life. I know that I would. At 60 years old I doubt that she will change but she might think twice before alienating the only person she has and it should give you some time to partially heal from her harping. You are doing what you have to do and you know it. That is all that you can do.
I wonder how many other people would like to say that to the "interesting" people in their life. I know that I would. At 60 years old I doubt that she will change but she might think twice before alienating the only person she has and it should give you some time to partially heal from her harping. You are doing what you have to do and you know it. That is all that you can do.
Thank you for the vote of confidence, Frazzled and sadsack. It means a lot to know that other folks out there can empathize with our situation. I also love, more than anything, the non-judgmental tone found here, on Caring.com.
We're all carrying one burden or another in our lives, and we all could use a little more support and advice than we can harping and criticism. I've found that here, in people's responses to one-another ... and in yours, above.
Thank you for that ... and for your open-minded acceptance of our situation and opinions. Believe it or not, it goes a long way in making up for the nasty emails from the MIL (another of which arrived this morning).
{sigh}
{{big hugs}} to you both!
Thank you for the vote of confidence, Frazzled and sadsack. It means a lot to know that other folks out there can empathize with our situation. I also love, more than anything, the non-judgmental tone found here, on Caring.com.
We're all carrying one burden or another in our lives, and we all could use a little more support and advice than we can harping and criticism. I've found that here, in people's responses to one-another ... and in yours, above.
Thank you for that ... and for your open-minded acceptance of our situation and opinions. Believe it or not, it goes a long way in making up for the nasty emails from the MIL (another of which arrived this morning).
{sigh}
{{big hugs}} to you both!
looks like your mother in law is going to have to be put on your junk email list. I hope she does not have anything really important to say. I guess you can always try to find a way to laugh at them. I have a friend who puts "la,la,la,la" every time she gets an email from her mother. Drives the mother nuts but makes my friend laugh.
looks like your mother in law is going to have to be put on your junk email list. I hope she does not have anything really important to say. I guess you can always try to find a way to laugh at them. I have a friend who puts "la,la,la,la" every time she gets an email from her mother. Drives the mother nuts but makes my friend laugh.
sadsack -
lol @ "lalalala"!
That was funny! So very much so that I spewed a teensy bit of coffee. {{grin}} I even phoned the husband at work and read your response to him, so he could chuckle too! =o)
Thank you for the laugh ... and for the 'perspective'. It's very much needed ... and very much appreciated.
{{squeeze}}
sadsack -
lol @ "lalalala"!
That was funny! So very much so that I spewed a teensy bit of coffee. {{grin}} I even phoned the husband at work and read your response to him, so he could chuckle too! =o)
Thank you for the laugh ... and for the 'perspective'. It's very much needed ... and very much appreciated.
{{squeeze}}
Totally agree with the above posts. Will pray that MIL eventually improves. You can't lose by staying cool and forgiving. Hey be thankful she lives in Germany. You are doing such a great job. Like Joyce Meyer (my favorite speaker) says "Enjoy everyday life".
Totally agree with the above posts. Will pray that MIL eventually improves. You can't lose by staying cool and forgiving. Hey be thankful she lives in Germany. You are doing such a great job. Like Joyce Meyer (my favorite speaker) says "Enjoy everyday life".
"Hey be thankful she lives in Germany."
LOL! Funny!
But, also a bit sad. I am SUCH an easy-going, intelligent, TRULY happy, optimistic person ... if I do say so meeself. {{grin}} I honestly NEVER thought I'd have "mother-in-law" problems. I've TRULY always thought she'd love me ... DID love me ... DOES love me! Honestly. How could she not?! {{sigh}}
"People are strange."
Thank you for your response, jorie! It's been almost 3 weeks since she left in a huff, and, our feelings are still hurt. Your post, and the ones above it have made it a bit easier for my husband and I to deal with, what we now understand, is HER madness.
{{big hugs}}
"Hey be thankful she lives in Germany."
LOL! Funny!
But, also a bit sad. I am SUCH an easy-going, intelligent, TRULY happy, optimistic person ... if I do say so meeself. {{grin}} I honestly NEVER thought I'd have "mother-in-law" problems. I've TRULY always thought she'd love me ... DID love me ... DOES love me! Honestly. How could she not?! {{sigh}}
"People are strange."
Thank you for your response, jorie! It's been almost 3 weeks since she left in a huff, and, our feelings are still hurt. Your post, and the ones above it have made it a bit easier for my husband and I to deal with, what we now understand, is HER madness.
{{big hugs}}
One of the most helpful things I heard and always try to remember is "hurting people are hurt people" or in other words people who hurt others are almost always people who have been hurt themselves and of course the person they hurt the most IS themselves when they are abusive. It has also occurred to me that the better and happier you are, the more pain she feels at not having your strength and happiness (something she may not even be willing to admit to herself). I'm a stong Joyce Meyer fan and just today on TV she was talking about making a choice to follow Jesus in forgiving and not letting what others do wrong change our committment to being the best we can be. We don't need to forgive others for their sake but for our own so that we can be free of bad thoughts, etc. You're doing great.
One of the most helpful things I heard and always try to remember is "hurting people are hurt people" or in other words people who hurt others are almost always people who have been hurt themselves and of course the person they hurt the most IS themselves when they are abusive. It has also occurred to me that the better and happier you are, the more pain she feels at not having your strength and happiness (something she may not even be willing to admit to herself). I'm a stong Joyce Meyer fan and just today on TV she was talking about making a choice to follow Jesus in forgiving and not letting what others do wrong change our committment to being the best we can be. We don't need to forgive others for their sake but for our own so that we can be free of bad thoughts, etc. You're doing great.
I respectfully disagree when it comes to AD regarding "that the better and happier you are, the more pain she feels at not having your strength and happiness." The damaged brain simply doesn't function with intent, so there is nothing for them to admit. I'm doubtful they have that ability for introspection.
I respectfully disagree when it comes to AD regarding "that the better and happier you are, the more pain she feels at not having your strength and happiness." The damaged brain simply doesn't function with intent, so there is nothing for them to admit. I'm doubtful they have that ability for introspection.
Can you imagine how confused someone who has dementia would get if they did have the ability for intrtospection? There are so many sides to everything that I get confused some times. Let alone someone who has forgotten how to tie their shoes or sit up in bed. lets see do I want to tie my shoe or, use velcro(it is so noisy that I think I am going to have a heart attack everytime i use them) do i want slip ons (they fall off when I shuffle through the hall and then i trip on them with my walker) I think i am going to just stay in bed. I am really supprised that they are not comatose from confusion and fear. Sheeesh everyday and every decision is a nightmare for some of them.
Can you imagine how confused someone who has dementia would get if they did have the ability for intrtospection? There are so many sides to everything that I get confused some times. Let alone someone who has forgotten how to tie their shoes or sit up in bed. lets see do I want to tie my shoe or, use velcro(it is so noisy that I think I am going to have a heart attack everytime i use them) do i want slip ons (they fall off when I shuffle through the hall and then i trip on them with my walker) I think i am going to just stay in bed. I am really supprised that they are not comatose from confusion and fear. Sheeesh everyday and every decision is a nightmare for some of them.
Thank you for your replies, everyone! I'm sorry I've been away for so long. Life has been happening around me, whether I was ready for it or not. :)
Frazzled said: "The damaged brain simply doesn't function with intent, so there is nothing for them to admit. I'm doubtful they have that ability for introspection."
I think this is entirely true as far as my mother-in-law is concerned! She's continued to maintain her silent treatment with my husband and I, and has spent all of her energy been accusatory and judgmental, above all else. It's a very sad situation.
punkersad said: "I am really surprised that they are not comatose from confusion and fear. Sheeesh everyday and every decision is a nightmare for some of them."
I agree with this, wholeheartedly. I know that my mother has been suffering emotionally for the last 10 months or so, all brought on by confusion, fear, depression, loss of ability, health issues, etc, etc, etc ... I think that almost every day WAS a nightmare for her ... and, oftentimes, was a nightmare for everyone else in the house as we reacted to (or retracted from!) HER uncontrollable, dementia-related behavior.
My mother is currently in the process of 'actively dying'. She suffered some aspiration pneumonia after a bout with nausea (brought on by over-medication by a physician, yet again!), and she stopped being able to eat or drink 5 days ago. I'm heartbroken that the end of her life is so near, but, happy that she will soon have an end to her suffering.
Thanks again for your responses, everyone. Hang in there and rest assured that we're caring for (and empathisizing with) you while you're busy caring for your loved ones.
Warmest Regards, Taura
Thank you for your replies, everyone! I'm sorry I've been away for so long. Life has been happening around me, whether I was ready for it or not. :)
Frazzled said: "The damaged brain simply doesn't function with intent, so there is nothing for them to admit. I'm doubtful they have that ability for introspection."
I think this is entirely true as far as my mother-in-law is concerned! She's continued to maintain her silent treatment with my husband and I, and has spent all of her energy been accusatory and judgmental, above all else. It's a very sad situation.
punkersad said: "I am really surprised that they are not comatose from confusion and fear. Sheeesh everyday and every decision is a nightmare for some of them."
I agree with this, wholeheartedly. I know that my mother has been suffering emotionally for the last 10 months or so, all brought on by confusion, fear, depression, loss of ability, health issues, etc, etc, etc ... I think that almost every day WAS a nightmare for her ... and, oftentimes, was a nightmare for everyone else in the house as we reacted to (or retracted from!) HER uncontrollable, dementia-related behavior.
My mother is currently in the process of 'actively dying'. She suffered some aspiration pneumonia after a bout with nausea (brought on by over-medication by a physician, yet again!), and she stopped being able to eat or drink 5 days ago. I'm heartbroken that the end of her life is so near, but, happy that she will soon have an end to her suffering.
Thanks again for your responses, everyone. Hang in there and rest assured that we're caring for (and empathisizing with) you while you're busy caring for your loved ones.
Warmest Regards, Taura
Hi Taura I am really sorry for your loss that happened 10 months ago and the one that is happening now.
Hi Taura I am really sorry for your loss that happened 10 months ago and the one that is happening now.
Wow! It seems like there is a great deal of fault finding with individuals who choose to provide decent care to sick relatives. You are a very great person and your husband also. Sometimes outsiders just do not know about the lack of happy times that caregivers have, the loss of social life and family relationship perks. People that are on the outside looking in are just looking. They are not there enough to obtain an appropriate understanding of the true picture. The mother sounds angry and bitter. If people don't do things that she thinks is best, then she begins to belittle. Perhaps you should limit your exposure to cruel people who cannot give you support. felicia
Wow! It seems like there is a great deal of fault finding with individuals who choose to provide decent care to sick relatives. You are a very great person and your husband also. Sometimes outsiders just do not know about the lack of happy times that caregivers have, the loss of social life and family relationship perks. People that are on the outside looking in are just looking. They are not there enough to obtain an appropriate understanding of the true picture. The mother sounds angry and bitter. If people don't do things that she thinks is best, then she begins to belittle. Perhaps you should limit your exposure to cruel people who cannot give you support. felicia
I also am in a similar situation only it is my two brother's who seem to think I and my husband are doing this for monetary gain. I was also accused of having run to the lawyer as soon as my father died to have my parents will changed, I had it changed in order to add my brothers name as co-executor exactly for what their accusing me of which is abusing her money. I didn't want to be the only executor because I felt it was only fair my brother's were involved too. Well that completely backfired and now that my mom is living with my husband and I (she's 88 and has been living with us for 4 years now (during which time one brother has not visited at all and the other calls every saturday and came for a visit once only to stay for 2 hours.) When my mom wanted to gift each of us children some money they replied they did not want it because my father's intention was to use that money (they both worked hard for) for her care if she needed to move out of her house and go into a nursing home. They say that by accepting any of that money as a gift or using it now to help take care of her is cheating the gov't. At one point my brother was taking care of her financial situation and did a very good job, however when we began having this disagreement about the saved money for her care he turned everlything over to me, my other brother has not helped in any way ever. I cannot tell you the guilt I feel at times for using the money to help take care of her and myself as I had gone back to school late in life earned my degree and found a job I loved. But after four years and realizing something had to be done for my mom we (my brothers included) agreed that if I didn't want to put her in a nursing home she could come live with my husband and I. At that time I quit my job and my husband took an early retirement. YES !! at times I wonder if we made the right decision but when thinking about it and know she would not get the care and love she gets at home with us I know we made the right one. Some days it is extremely difficult we've only taken a few days on our own usually my mom comes with us we really need a few days away by ourselves but know how much it will cost and know this will have to be taken out of her account which my brother will not be happy about. But we also need a break like anyone else whose working. After all this is a 24 hour a day job. Yes, I admit the plus side of this is I don't have to go to work and punch a time clock but I truly do this because I love my mother and cannot stand the thought of her being in a nursing home it would be the end of her as we know her. Any thoughts on how to handle my brothers would be appreciated. Sorry for ranting on like this but this emotional struggle I feel and guilt of using her money (not for ourselves) us killing me. Thank you in advance for suggestions you may have. Ann
I also am in a similar situation only it is my two brother's who seem to think I and my husband are doing this for monetary gain. I was also accused of having run to the lawyer as soon as my father died to have my parents will changed, I had it changed in order to add my brothers name as co-executor exactly for what their accusing me of which is abusing her money. I didn't want to be the only executor because I felt it was only fair my brother's were involved too. Well that completely backfired and now that my mom is living with my husband and I (she's 88 and has been living with us for 4 years now (during which time one brother has not visited at all and the other calls every saturday and came for a visit once only to stay for 2 hours.) When my mom wanted to gift each of us children some money they replied they did not want it because my father's intention was to use that money (they both worked hard for) for her care if she needed to move out of her house and go into a nursing home. They say that by accepting any of that money as a gift or using it now to help take care of her is cheating the gov't. At one point my brother was taking care of her financial situation and did a very good job, however when we began having this disagreement about the saved money for her care he turned everlything over to me, my other brother has not helped in any way ever. I cannot tell you the guilt I feel at times for using the money to help take care of her and myself as I had gone back to school late in life earned my degree and found a job I loved. But after four years and realizing something had to be done for my mom we (my brothers included) agreed that if I didn't want to put her in a nursing home she could come live with my husband and I. At that time I quit my job and my husband took an early retirement. YES !! at times I wonder if we made the right decision but when thinking about it and know she would not get the care and love she gets at home with us I know we made the right one. Some days it is extremely difficult we've only taken a few days on our own usually my mom comes with us we really need a few days away by ourselves but know how much it will cost and know this will have to be taken out of her account which my brother will not be happy about. But we also need a break like anyone else whose working. After all this is a 24 hour a day job. Yes, I admit the plus side of this is I don't have to go to work and punch a time clock but I truly do this because I love my mother and cannot stand the thought of her being in a nursing home it would be the end of her as we know her. Any thoughts on how to handle my brothers would be appreciated. Sorry for ranting on like this but this emotional struggle I feel and guilt of using her money (not for ourselves) us killing me. Thank you in advance for suggestions you may have. Ann