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about 2 years ago
rjccargvr said...

You answered your own question. You have Power of Attorney, use it. Put the poison memories behind you and move forward. You have your mother's best interest in your heart. Take care of her. Don't answer to the relatives. Keep focused as you move forward. Make a plan and go! Keep telling yourself, "I have the plan. I have the Power. I love my mother."

about 2 years ago
rellim said...

rjcargvr said it all. You have the power, you own the house, you have to answer to no one. If they come by trying to be nice, be very careful. If they want to argue, tell them you are not interested in sqabbles and ignore them. If that doesn't work, call the police, it is your home and if you don't want them there you have that right. If they are as greedy and selfish as it sounds they are not people you need in your life at this point. My Prayers are with you,,,,Take care and good luck!

about 2 years ago

No, you're the GOOD one!!! What a horrible time you've both spent. The others are right, take care of your mom, use the powers you have, and keep away the others. Thank God your mother has you; her life would be a living hell otherwise, she might even be dead! You know you're doing the right thing; I would only handle the family in a legal way. That way they can't touch you. Get caller ID if you can, change your phone number, screen calls with an answering machine, whatever you're comfortable with, but I would only converse with them through legal channels. Neither one of you need these selfish, greedy, abusive people; they may be family by genetics, but they're not family by feelings or behavior. The suitcase incident proves it; how dare your sister-in-law GO THROUGH YOUR SUITCASE!!!! Sly, grasping, rude, nosy, those words all came to mind when I read that, including some I won't use here. You keep on as you're doing; you're doing the right things. God bless you both and keep you safe and happy. A pox on those "relatives"!!

about 2 years ago
handbaglady said...

I know how upsetting these incidents with greedy relatives are.

I provided wonderful care in my home for my late mama for 7-8 years only to have my brother file a claim against me with Social Services stating that I was physically abusive and mismanaging her funds! Naturally it was promptly dismissed after the SS case worker spoke to mama. He could not have cared less about her physical well-being until she had a stroke and the end was obviously near. He went through her records about 10 years ago and saw her bank statements, so he had it in his mind that he was going to get a hefty inheritance when she died. She experienced severe losses when the stock market went haywire last year, and had also had some very lengthy, very expensive hospital stays. I had to take a second mortgage out on my home to keep us afloat, and now I am forced to sell my home and move out of state as I have not worked (outside of 24/7 care giving at no charge) in the past 8 years.

It is always a cruel lesson when one learns that by doing the right thing that others in your loved one's life have ulterior motives. My eyes have been opened far wider than I ever wished as my greedy, cruel brother has still not come to grips that he cannot "force" me to give him money. I have witnessed more really deplorable behavior in the past six months from him and his family (they claim to be born-again Christians and are always ready to tell you that you need saving) than in my 58 years on earth.

You have done the right thing and you have the legal right to continue to care for your mom with the dignity she deserves.

about 2 years ago
FrancesC said...

Oh you are NOT bad. All the posts I've read responding to you are right - you are the GOOD one for taking care of your mom as you have. You should find an elder care lawyer to help you manage the family. AND if the family comes and tries to bother you when you're at the house cleaning up, by all means call the police and have them removed if they will not leave when you ask them to. You might even consider a restraining order on them if they get too annoying and bother you too much. Take care of yourself too.

about 2 years ago
Pgoodhart said...

I agree with the others you are the GOOD one and you should be proud of yourself and not doubting yourself. Unfortunately money can do as much evil as it can good, and your relatives prove it in their hateful and cruel actions.

use your power of attorny, the home does belong to you and you can do with it as you please. Do not let these selfish, thoughtless and greedy people confuse you about what you need and want to do. If they really cared about your mother, they would be calling to inquire about your mother's well being and not just to ask for more.

Put your home phone on call forwarding, so any calls can go to your cell phone and tell the powers that be at the assisted living that you would like for them to hold any mail until you return. If your mom has a phone in her room unplug it and tell Mom there is a problem with the phone lines and it will take a while to get it fixed, and remove the phone from her room. She may get upset and confused, but not as much as she will if the evil relatives get in touch with her. If you want to know what they may be up to with her, have call forwarding put on your mom's phone before you unplug it and have the calls go to your cell phone. Won't they be surprised when you are the one that answers. Unfortunately, you have to think like they would for a little while, so that you can pre-empt anything they may try to do to upset yur mother. If they come to you wanting something from your mothers home (for an emotional keepsake "ha") tell them they can come and check out the yard sale and get it then. DON'T GIVE them anything else. They have taken enough from your mother.

Call the police if you need to because they would call them on you if they wanted to. What you are doing is for your mother, don't let them get in your way, and don't buy their false sadness about the past. The only thing it sounds like they are sad about is not getting everything from her. In a windowless room without making sure she was taking her medication properly can be your reminders.

Also, explain as much as necessary to the Assisted living, so if you need to speak with your mother that they could get a phone to her or bring her to the office to talk to you on the facility phone. Make sure they understand that NO ONE ELSE is to speak to her on the phone. Use your power of attorney to enforce this if they give you a hard time. You are her MOTHER now and it is up to you to protect her any way you see fit, just as she did you when you could not protect yourself.

God will be with you, because he is always on the side of the Good, this may be the time when your footprints are not visable, because he will carry you when you cannot walk. Stand strong and take care of yourself for she will still need you when you get home.

about 2 years ago
Heidi A. said...

Thank you so much for all your positive, wonderful support! I am new to this forum and had no idea how therapeutic this could be! I still have to tell Mom that I have to go without her to pack up her house without her. I feel stronger, I fear her wrath, but I know what I have to do and I'm stronger now. I have a wonderful, supportive husband (saint)and a son and daughter (20 and 22) that give me hope. It's Mother's Day. I went to see Mom at the assisted living home, where she is happy, with a big bunch of lilacs and snow balls, she was thrilled. She is so childlike.... She was talking to the middle niece, the one who always hounded her for things, the one who didn't have time to tell the phone repair man was coming...she keeps telling my mother that she's coming to visit. For the last two months I've heard my mother say "Krista is coming next week." It is really too bad that you can't MAKE people GET IT. Thanks, everyone!!! XOXOXOX!!

almost 2 years ago
Heidi A. said...

So, it continues....my oldest niece, blows into town for two days and causes my mom heartache and confuses her more. She "helped" my mother by taking her to the bank and withdrawing her money, told the person at the bank that I was "stealing" from her. A lawyer is suppose to "contact me", mom can't remember his name, or find his card.My mother said to me "You didn't tell me that I was getting Social Security all this time, where is the money?" Mom is 80, she's been getting Social Security for some time now, and she is the one who had made arrangements to have it directly deposited into her account.....that money has been going to pay for taxes, insurance, her care, etc....not that that amount even remotely "covers" anything....my mother is so angry at me. Mom was so happy where she is...saying "...we (her and dad) should have moved here sooner..." Now, she really wants to "go home"....It hurts to see her so upset. How do you deal with such destructive behavior by relatives that don't get it?!?! I have sent links on Alzheimer's, support group info, etc.....to no avail......

almost 2 years ago
rellim said...

Wow Heidi, what a mess. Looks to me like since you have power of attorney, you should be able to get some kind of restriction on your niece, did she keep the money? if so thats theft! The doctors that know your mom and people at the assisted living will be able to testify to the fact that your mom is not in her right mind to go take all her money out like that. Also if your Mom has any friends around that remember her befor she got sick and knew about her getting social security, that would be a bonus for you, to prove she did know she was getting it. There are a lot of "sick" people in this world and those abouse the elderly are scum! And thats the nice word I have for them! I wish you the best, keep me posted. I have my dad living with me, 2and a half years now. I get almost no help from my sisters. I have power of attorney over his financial and medical decisions. I dare any of them to ask me where his money is when he is gone!!!! So far they have been supportive about how I spend it since he needs 24/7 care and I am the one doing it. I have saved reciepts in abox and if anyone says anything I will throw the box at them and tell them to figure it out! LOL Try to be positive, I feel sorry for your Mother since she is so confused already and then something like this has to happen to her, it is hateful of the people putting her through that.

My prayers are with you!!!! rellim

almost 2 years ago
FrancesC said...

I think perhaps a restraining order to prevent your niece from visiting your mother at all might be in order. I know if I were in your situation with that niece that's what I would do anyway. Take care, and hang in there.

almost 2 years ago
Heidi A. said...

One good thing...my niece lives in Hawaii. So all this was done in haste, even more confusing and upsetting for my mom. I called my lawyer who said to call the staff to not let my niece in, the staff at the home was very helpful in that regard. However, I talked to an ombudsman, who said that to keep my niece from seeing her would be a violation of her civil rights. I spoke to my lawyer again, and he said that, I then, would have to have guardianship, to get a "no contact" order. Mom has been out here for 18 months....8 months with us...10 at the home. How can they possibly think she's "coming home". It is beyond my comprehension. I have sent links on Alzheimer's. I had to go and clean out my mother's house. No one bothered to show up except for 2 days before we got there, we heard from a neighbor, that my sister-in-law came by, she left the house door, not only was the door unlocked, it was left OPEN. There was water in the basement....the subpump had stopped working...it was the first thing we had to get fixed...there could have been an electrical short, the whole place could have burned down....that would have been my fault, off course. I'm just "stealing" everything......ugh.

almost 2 years ago
Heidi A. said...

We did change the locks.....

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