I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Dolphin. hugs

You make a good point. I don't know that it's entirely possible to avoid all of these things, but maybe record keeping is the key. Or it would at least help out the case. But still...I'm so sorry things aren't working out so well.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Dolphin. hugs

You make a good point. I don't know that it's entirely possible to avoid all of these things, but maybe record keeping is the key. Or it would at least help out the case. But still...I'm so sorry things aren't working out so well.

It is totally amazing to be dealing with this.

Atleast we no longer have to worry about not coming home to find that padlock....the house SOLD today! Already! Close on the 8th. So this weekend is spent packing and putting stuff in a climate controlled storage unit. MOve in with mom's friend for a few weeks before we go out of state apartment hunting :)

WOOHOO!

It is totally amazing to be dealing with this.

Atleast we no longer have to worry about not coming home to find that padlock....the house SOLD today! Already! Close on the 8th. So this weekend is spent packing and putting stuff in a climate controlled storage unit. MOve in with mom's friend for a few weeks before we go out of state apartment hunting :)

WOOHOO!

To add to this....

SHE wants a TV for her room at the nursing home. ....we had to get permission from a lawyer to purchase it, with her funds. (I know I sound selfish, but $300 is not pocket change!)

SHE wanted 4 bags of chocolates. Again, permission to purchase. Oops. She doesn't want them (she ate a full bag the day before and puked). $10 wasted. Atleast we had permission to buy her the chocolates out of her own money.

Washer died. Needed permission from a lawyer to repair that.....

While we are frantically packing the house up...guess what...if she doesn't want something, you have to get permission to dispose of it or donate it (I hope I do not get criminal charges for getting rid of her mattress that she urinated/defecated on for a week...you can imagine how pleasant that smelled...yes, I can be in trouble for getting rid of her mattress.....)

Oh...a few months ago, the stove died. I drove around looking for a new one. Brought all the brochures for her to look over. Having the only credit card in the household, I used my card to buy the stove, and she reimbursed me. I face criminal charges....looks like I had a joyride on her $400.....

Unreal, huh?

To add to this....

SHE wants a TV for her room at the nursing home. ....we had to get permission from a lawyer to purchase it, with her funds. (I know I sound selfish, but $300 is not pocket change!)

SHE wanted 4 bags of chocolates. Again, permission to purchase. Oops. She doesn't want them (she ate a full bag the day before and puked). $10 wasted. Atleast we had permission to buy her the chocolates out of her own money.

Washer died. Needed permission from a lawyer to repair that.....

While we are frantically packing the house up...guess what...if she doesn't want something, you have to get permission to dispose of it or donate it (I hope I do not get criminal charges for getting rid of her mattress that she urinated/defecated on for a week...you can imagine how pleasant that smelled...yes, I can be in trouble for getting rid of her mattress.....)

Oh...a few months ago, the stove died. I drove around looking for a new one. Brought all the brochures for her to look over. Having the only credit card in the household, I used my card to buy the stove, and she reimbursed me. I face criminal charges....looks like I had a joyride on her $400.....

Unreal, huh?

Oh, my, DolphinsCry. :( So sorry you are facing this.

In our house, I have POA and we share all accounts. The house is mine, not in her name at all. I hope I don't face this. I was hoping the POA would cover such circumstances. Guess I'll check it out.

My friend had a hard time in KY too. She had to deal with the court and continues to deal with the paperwork. But her court had more to do with the appointment of her as guardian and such. Because she is her mom's legal guardian, she can spend on her Mom, but must account for every penny.

Know you are not alone.

Oh, my, DolphinsCry. :( So sorry you are facing this.

In our house, I have POA and we share all accounts. The house is mine, not in her name at all. I hope I don't face this. I was hoping the POA would cover such circumstances. Guess I'll check it out.

My friend had a hard time in KY too. She had to deal with the court and continues to deal with the paperwork. But her court had more to do with the appointment of her as guardian and such. Because she is her mom's legal guardian, she can spend on her Mom, but must account for every penny.

Know you are not alone.

Hi,

Despite having POA....you must keep all funds separate, at all time.

Hi,

Despite having POA....you must keep all funds separate, at all time.

I'm sorry you're going through this...I too have learned the hard way...I have been the sole caregiver for Mom since Dad passed away 8 years ago...taking time from work for appts etc...she's now in assisted living and I'm retired...so I have more time to spend with her...however, instead of enjoying her new friends...she spends time in her room going over her bank statements...Now, I'm accused of writing checks to myself and signing her name...I do NOT have access to her checks or funds..as all is in Trust...she will NOT produce the checks to show me....and insists I signed them all..I'm deeply hurt and permanently scared by this..I've been there for her...paperwork, appts, medication, phone calls..Now I find a letter she's written to me documenting all she's done for me..Every year I get a check for Xmas ...Now I'm told she 'pays' me to take care of her' and WHAT HAVE I DONE SINCE JAN 1 TO HELP HER..? I'm dumbfounded as you can imagine..I'm a former beautician and do her hair 1-2 times a week...I've listed at least 9-10 times when I've taken her to appts not to mention other responsibilities...I'm made up my mind I will take NOTHING from her...so she can't throw it up to me 2months from now..I'm very cautious about what I say and do...She continues to tell me how others have to pay $90 for someone to take them to appts and $15-20 for hair appts..yet she doesn't consider I do it willingly..I'm the only one so I can't abandon her..my brother who lives 200 miles away only calls when he's on his way to another cruise...He's had the pleasure of being with his family all his life...when I've had to consider my mother's needs...before my own families...Just today..we're going to take money from one bank to deposit to another...we do this frequently...sorry I don't have a solution as I'm in my own hell!

I'm sorry you're going through this...I too have learned the hard way...I have been the sole caregiver for Mom since Dad passed away 8 years ago...taking time from work for appts etc...she's now in assisted living and I'm retired...so I have more time to spend with her...however, instead of enjoying her new friends...she spends time in her room going over her bank statements...Now, I'm accused of writing checks to myself and signing her name...I do NOT have access to her checks or funds..as all is in Trust...she will NOT produce the checks to show me....and insists I signed them all..I'm deeply hurt and permanently scared by this..I've been there for her...paperwork, appts, medication, phone calls..Now I find a letter she's written to me documenting all she's done for me..Every year I get a check for Xmas ...Now I'm told she 'pays' me to take care of her' and WHAT HAVE I DONE SINCE JAN 1 TO HELP HER..? I'm dumbfounded as you can imagine..I'm a former beautician and do her hair 1-2 times a week...I've listed at least 9-10 times when I've taken her to appts not to mention other responsibilities...I'm made up my mind I will take NOTHING from her...so she can't throw it up to me 2months from now..I'm very cautious about what I say and do...She continues to tell me how others have to pay $90 for someone to take them to appts and $15-20 for hair appts..yet she doesn't consider I do it willingly..I'm the only one so I can't abandon her..my brother who lives 200 miles away only calls when he's on his way to another cruise...He's had the pleasure of being with his family all his life...when I've had to consider my mother's needs...before my own families...Just today..we're going to take money from one bank to deposit to another...we do this frequently...sorry I don't have a solution as I'm in my own hell!

Who is bringing charges against you? Family or Governmental agency?

Who is bringing charges against you? Family or Governmental agency?

rfapj...

You will want to talk to an Elder Law Attorney. It will cost a little, but it will be for the better.

Seniors do make accusations (theft of money, prescriptions)....While it's common, you also need to protect yourself from Elder Abuse charges. Again, a lawyer who specializes in Elder Care Law. And big time record keeping.

rfapj...

You will want to talk to an Elder Law Attorney. It will cost a little, but it will be for the better.

Seniors do make accusations (theft of money, prescriptions)....While it's common, you also need to protect yourself from Elder Abuse charges. Again, a lawyer who specializes in Elder Care Law. And big time record keeping.

We lucked out with the lawyer. But Dept. of Human Services and Adult Protective was looking into us.

We lucked out with the lawyer. But Dept. of Human Services and Adult Protective was looking into us.

We've been on each others accounts for over 10 years. My aunt and grandmother shared accounts for years and years. Hard to keep it separate now, 12 years into sharing. She's only gotten ill in the last few years.

Guess I need to see an Elder Law Attorney and see what I need to do going forward.

We've been on each others accounts for over 10 years. My aunt and grandmother shared accounts for years and years. Hard to keep it separate now, 12 years into sharing. She's only gotten ill in the last few years.

Guess I need to see an Elder Law Attorney and see what I need to do going forward.

I am writing in response to your comments about caregiving.
I have many questions involving your situation. Your made comment that now the house has now been sold.

However, your first blog was of being caregiver. Is there a way to follow up with some details.
1) Did you have a contract for your services 2) Are you a family member 3) What State did this take place? Different States have their own

set of rules

4) who owned the house

Caregivers are to be commended. My mom (owns her own home) My brother and I are both durable power of attorney. He has always lived with her free / clear. Now mom has dementia and he hires out caregiver services he is not working. As he benefits from their services as well, with grocery shopping, meal prep, housekeeping, laundry. He can't even take mom to the doctors without a caregiver along side with him.
As he complains about not having help from family members, may I add nothing I have done, is good enough. He is insecure, I am a threat to him as he depends on financial security from mom.

From his actions and motives, I understand he is resentful of my married life and family. My husband just recently had a stroke.

So for all the caregivers that find fault for not having the help, and some may truley be justified, to all siblings that try to help, we all bring something different to the table. Each sibling has a different relationship with the parent. For every effort that help is provided should be acknowledged, for the caregiver, when you find fault, then I ask you what is it exactly do you want?

Out of courtesy, I would call first before visiting. Only for my brother to remove mom from the house and no one was home. So my last attempt I went over unannouced, only for my brother to call the police, "saying I did not call" first. Can anyone explain that? One of many examples of my brother's insults. Consultations with lawyers, mom's doctor and support groups have put my mind at ease on a level of perspective. I am exectrix of mom's will and I will deal with him when mom passes.

I am writing in response to your comments about caregiving.
I have many questions involving your situation. Your made comment that now the house has now been sold.

However, your first blog was of being caregiver. Is there a way to follow up with some details.
1) Did you have a contract for your services 2) Are you a family member 3) What State did this take place? Different States have their own

set of rules

4) who owned the house

Caregivers are to be commended. My mom (owns her own home) My brother and I are both durable power of attorney. He has always lived with her free / clear. Now mom has dementia and he hires out caregiver services he is not working. As he benefits from their services as well, with grocery shopping, meal prep, housekeeping, laundry. He can't even take mom to the doctors without a caregiver along side with him.
As he complains about not having help from family members, may I add nothing I have done, is good enough. He is insecure, I am a threat to him as he depends on financial security from mom.

From his actions and motives, I understand he is resentful of my married life and family. My husband just recently had a stroke.

So for all the caregivers that find fault for not having the help, and some may truley be justified, to all siblings that try to help, we all bring something different to the table. Each sibling has a different relationship with the parent. For every effort that help is provided should be acknowledged, for the caregiver, when you find fault, then I ask you what is it exactly do you want?

Out of courtesy, I would call first before visiting. Only for my brother to remove mom from the house and no one was home. So my last attempt I went over unannouced, only for my brother to call the police, "saying I did not call" first. Can anyone explain that? One of many examples of my brother's insults. Consultations with lawyers, mom's doctor and support groups have put my mind at ease on a level of perspective. I am exectrix of mom's will and I will deal with him when mom passes.

Hi,

I'll look at your situation later....

To answer questions:

1)Did you have a contract for your services (No, we should have. I got paid $30/week to grocery shop 3-5 times a week, and lived rent-free)

2) Are you a family member (Granddaughter)

3) What State did this take place? (Michigan)

Hi,

I'll look at your situation later....

To answer questions:

1)Did you have a contract for your services (No, we should have. I got paid $30/week to grocery shop 3-5 times a week, and lived rent-free)

2) Are you a family member (Granddaughter)

3) What State did this take place? (Michigan)

I really hear what you're saying. What I have learned from taking care of my mom is our parents become different people than we knew growing up especially if they have undergone surgery with general anesthetic. That tends to change brain chemistry in the elderly. With regard to your mom stating that she pays you and what have you done for me since January, I experience the same thing. My mom is extremely ungrateful for what I do for her. I am basically doing everything for her since the end of January 2011 due to a broken wrist. My body is not in good shape and it takes a lot of energy to keep me going all of the time doing for her and what I get in return is complaints. I wish these parents we caregive for just needed care and we didn't have to deal with their paranoias and neuroses. They make this so much harder.

I really hear what you're saying. What I have learned from taking care of my mom is our parents become different people than we knew growing up especially if they have undergone surgery with general anesthetic. That tends to change brain chemistry in the elderly. With regard to your mom stating that she pays you and what have you done for me since January, I experience the same thing. My mom is extremely ungrateful for what I do for her. I am basically doing everything for her since the end of January 2011 due to a broken wrist. My body is not in good shape and it takes a lot of energy to keep me going all of the time doing for her and what I get in return is complaints. I wish these parents we caregive for just needed care and we didn't have to deal with their paranoias and neuroses. They make this so much harder.

Hello, DolphinsCry.... Thank you for responding. Your situation is similar as we are both from Michigan. My brother has hired out his oldest daughter to care for mom. No contract. As mentioned my brother is the one living "established residency" with mom, free/ clear.

For many years this granddaughter has been distant with the family, never attending family gatherings, we hardly knew her. Thou, she made a family life with boyfriend and two children, her lifestyle was not perfect. My brother basically disowned her at one point.

Then when mom got sick, his life became threatened. Although, he found his way into mom's savings account (being DPOA) and transferred money into his savings. I am joint on mom's savings.
The CD's mom had (also joint with me) upon maturity, he tried to cash in as well. I informed the bank. The bank has now "frozen" the CD, until court-conservatorship or death has been determined.

The grandaughter comes over to assist with mom's needs. Daily hygenine however, well my brother, also benefits from her grocery shopping, meal prep. laundry and housekeeping services. Her hours add up. There is a lot of unncessary hand=holding. Last summer I would visit with mom take her out for lunch, shopping etc. and the granddaughter still added her hours. I don't feel and don't want to pay for a caregiver while I am there.

I could write a book on my brother's hostility and manipulations.
As my DPOA says to protect mom's best interst, and I trying my best to do just that, I have retained a lawyer to protect my own family from his hostility. would welcome the opportunity to present my documentations to the court, mom's wishes are to remain in her own home, a court-appointed conservator would most likely be appointed should this go to court.

Hello, DolphinsCry.... Thank you for responding. Your situation is similar as we are both from Michigan. My brother has hired out his oldest daughter to care for mom. No contract. As mentioned my brother is the one living "established residency" with mom, free/ clear.

For many years this granddaughter has been distant with the family, never attending family gatherings, we hardly knew her. Thou, she made a family life with boyfriend and two children, her lifestyle was not perfect. My brother basically disowned her at one point.

Then when mom got sick, his life became threatened. Although, he found his way into mom's savings account (being DPOA) and transferred money into his savings. I am joint on mom's savings.
The CD's mom had (also joint with me) upon maturity, he tried to cash in as well. I informed the bank. The bank has now "frozen" the CD, until court-conservatorship or death has been determined.

The grandaughter comes over to assist with mom's needs. Daily hygenine however, well my brother, also benefits from her grocery shopping, meal prep. laundry and housekeeping services. Her hours add up. There is a lot of unncessary hand=holding. Last summer I would visit with mom take her out for lunch, shopping etc. and the granddaughter still added her hours. I don't feel and don't want to pay for a caregiver while I am there.

I could write a book on my brother's hostility and manipulations.
As my DPOA says to protect mom's best interst, and I trying my best to do just that, I have retained a lawyer to protect my own family from his hostility. would welcome the opportunity to present my documentations to the court, mom's wishes are to remain in her own home, a court-appointed conservator would most likely be appointed should this go to court.

You mentioned retaining a lawyer...any particular one? My mother doesn't remember bank transactions...writing checks, etc...however, will not or cannot produce the checks to verify but insists I wrote them ((((I do not have access to her checks, bank accounts, or money)))) as all is in Trust...I do have power of attorney.....but have not exercised it..wouldn't know how....she remembers things from 35-40 years ago but can't remember making a phone transfer of funds from her savings to her checking from 3 years ago...She says I'm her 'rock' and have always been there for her but I'm the one she's blaming...Doctor has recently put her on depression medication...I don't think it's helping...She was the strongest woman I know and to see her attack me this way is so unsettling..I'm having constant headaches and at my wits end..My absent brother calls either on his way out of town or on his way in town...visits once every 6-8 months..only lives 200 miles away...Again what attorney did you hire and what was discussed? help!

You mentioned retaining a lawyer...any particular one? My mother doesn't remember bank transactions...writing checks, etc...however, will not or cannot produce the checks to verify but insists I wrote them ((((I do not have access to her checks, bank accounts, or money)))) as all is in Trust...I do have power of attorney.....but have not exercised it..wouldn't know how....she remembers things from 35-40 years ago but can't remember making a phone transfer of funds from her savings to her checking from 3 years ago...She says I'm her 'rock' and have always been there for her but I'm the one she's blaming...Doctor has recently put her on depression medication...I don't think it's helping...She was the strongest woman I know and to see her attack me this way is so unsettling..I'm having constant headaches and at my wits end..My absent brother calls either on his way out of town or on his way in town...visits once every 6-8 months..only lives 200 miles away...Again what attorney did you hire and what was discussed? help!

Hello rfapj Honestly, I feel your pain. My mom has often attached me, also. Which is quite upsetting. The one she should be attacking is the "golden boy". But that's not why you are writing.

You mention that you have Power of Attorney. I have learned there are several types of POA, so find out what kind you have. If it is a Durable POA, which expresses the right to act on your mom's behalf any banking transactions, etc, you may be okay. Is your mom able to pay her bills?

Do you know the branch that your mom does her banking? Simply take your papers to the bank, along with ID, important to ask for the bank manager. Please allow yourself extra time, as I found this often time consuming . Just explain the situation, they may or may not honor your POA, but at least you know then what your next step should be.

You say the money is in a Trust? Who is the Trustee? Do you know the lawyer who set up the Trust? That person may help answer your questions?
To answer your question about my lawyer, most lawyers will offer a free consultation, over the phone or appointment. I attended seminars who actually had lawyers there. I asked detailed questions. I stirred away from lawyers who handled just about everything. I needed someone with expertise in Probate, Conservatorship and Elder Law. I looked in the yellow pages, found someone close near me. Check out website AVVO.com. This website has an excellent lawyer base for generalized information. You can ask a lawyer a question, for free. I was impressed with the responses, which can help find a lawyer for you, as well.

Your Power of Attorney papers (depending on which one it is) if a Durable one is often all your need. It can open doors for you. I hesitated using mind. I also have letters from mom's doctors explaining mom's dementia to verify her state of mind. This also reinforces any issues. However, in some cases, watch out for the banking institutons legal department. Their lawyers have their own interpretations. Ask the manager what they are.

The Power of Attorney papers are supposed to help eliminate any issues for court appointment. Again who is the Trustee? Where these both set up together, same day? A Trust is only as good as there is money in the Trust.

Hope this helps, good luck to you

Hello rfapj Honestly, I feel your pain. My mom has often attached me, also. Which is quite upsetting. The one she should be attacking is the "golden boy". But that's not why you are writing.

You mention that you have Power of Attorney. I have learned there are several types of POA, so find out what kind you have. If it is a Durable POA, which expresses the right to act on your mom's behalf any banking transactions, etc, you may be okay. Is your mom able to pay her bills?

Do you know the branch that your mom does her banking? Simply take your papers to the bank, along with ID, important to ask for the bank manager. Please allow yourself extra time, as I found this often time consuming . Just explain the situation, they may or may not honor your POA, but at least you know then what your next step should be.

You say the money is in a Trust? Who is the Trustee? Do you know the lawyer who set up the Trust? That person may help answer your questions?
To answer your question about my lawyer, most lawyers will offer a free consultation, over the phone or appointment. I attended seminars who actually had lawyers there. I asked detailed questions. I stirred away from lawyers who handled just about everything. I needed someone with expertise in Probate, Conservatorship and Elder Law. I looked in the yellow pages, found someone close near me. Check out website AVVO.com. This website has an excellent lawyer base for generalized information. You can ask a lawyer a question, for free. I was impressed with the responses, which can help find a lawyer for you, as well.

Your Power of Attorney papers (depending on which one it is) if a Durable one is often all your need. It can open doors for you. I hesitated using mind. I also have letters from mom's doctors explaining mom's dementia to verify her state of mind. This also reinforces any issues. However, in some cases, watch out for the banking institutons legal department. Their lawyers have their own interpretations. Ask the manager what they are.

The Power of Attorney papers are supposed to help eliminate any issues for court appointment. Again who is the Trustee? Where these both set up together, same day? A Trust is only as good as there is money in the Trust.

Hope this helps, good luck to you