New here - Stressed and so Tired
I feel like my situation is kind of unique. I'm actually hoping it isn't and that someone will understand what I am going through. Three years ago my Mother-in-Law was extremely ill and not expected to live long. Let me mention she was 94 at the time. Her daughters moved into tiny places with no room for her so my husband and I took her in. I nursed her back to health. She weighed 76 pounds when I got her. She is now 97, 100 pounds and going strong.
My husband and I have been married only 10 years. We are in our early 60s. This was supposed to be our time. We bought our dream acreage and remodeled our home just for us. We were here alone for less than a year when Mom came.
I really don't know this woman. I have no long history with her. I don't know the people or the stories she talks about. She is still pretty sharp most of the time. She sits and does those word search puzzles. But there is no laughter, no interaction. We eat together and she never speaks. Our days have become so routine (all around her) that it's like having a toddler again. This is not sounding like a big deal. I don't have diapers or any personal care for her. She is able to shower and dress herself. But it's the ever present ghostlike creature who is floating around here that is making me nuts. I want my home back. My time with my husband back. He tries to help, but she wants a daughter to do all her "tending".
Anyway, just needed to vent somewhere that others can relate or understand. She's 97. How long can this go on?
Thanks for accepting me here and "listening" I hope to learn alot and maybe even be of some help to someone.
Sarah
New here - Stressed and so Tired
I feel like my situation is kind of unique. I'm actually hoping it isn't and that someone will understand what I am going through. Three years ago my Mother-in-Law was extremely ill and not expected to live long. Let me mention she was 94 at the time. Her daughters moved into tiny places with no room for her so my husband and I took her in. I nursed her back to health. She weighed 76 pounds when I got her. She is now 97, 100 pounds and going strong.
My husband and I have been married only 10 years. We are in our early 60s. This was supposed to be our time. We bought our dream acreage and remodeled our home just for us. We were here alone for less than a year when Mom came.
I really don't know this woman. I have no long history with her. I don't know the people or the stories she talks about. She is still pretty sharp most of the time. She sits and does those word search puzzles. But there is no laughter, no interaction. We eat together and she never speaks. Our days have become so routine (all around her) that it's like having a toddler again. This is not sounding like a big deal. I don't have diapers or any personal care for her. She is able to shower and dress herself. But it's the ever present ghostlike creature who is floating around here that is making me nuts. I want my home back. My time with my husband back. He tries to help, but she wants a daughter to do all her "tending".
Anyway, just needed to vent somewhere that others can relate or understand. She's 97. How long can this go on?
Thanks for accepting me here and "listening" I hope to learn alot and maybe even be of some help to someone.
Sarah
Oh Sarah! hugs First and foremost, welcome. I'm so glad you joined us. And I want to derail any thoughts you're having about your situation not being a big deal. Your feelings are valid and absolutely understandable.
I'm not in the exact same situation, so my advice may not the best, but I want to take a stab at it. Have you asked the sisters to take mom-in-law just on a temporary basis so you and hubby can reconnect? If their places are too tiny, what about if they came to your house and you and hubby took a little trip? Another possibility is respite care, just to get a break and breathe.
The other thing I'm thinking about is how disengaged your mom-in-law sounds. Is there anything she enjoys? Is there anything you enjoy that you can include her in? Maybe this situation would be more tolerable if you had some connection.
And sadly, the answer to your "how long can this go on" question is "not long". She may live a few more years, but you never know when some slight deviation from the norm will equal catastrophic consequences. A slip in the kitchen may equate to nursing home care, just as an example. No one knows what tomorrow will be like when it comes to caring for an elderly loved one.
How does your husband feel about your situation?
Thanks again for joining us! I'll be thinking about you.
Oh Sarah! hugs First and foremost, welcome. I'm so glad you joined us. And I want to derail any thoughts you're having about your situation not being a big deal. Your feelings are valid and absolutely understandable.
I'm not in the exact same situation, so my advice may not the best, but I want to take a stab at it. Have you asked the sisters to take mom-in-law just on a temporary basis so you and hubby can reconnect? If their places are too tiny, what about if they came to your house and you and hubby took a little trip? Another possibility is respite care, just to get a break and breathe.
The other thing I'm thinking about is how disengaged your mom-in-law sounds. Is there anything she enjoys? Is there anything you enjoy that you can include her in? Maybe this situation would be more tolerable if you had some connection.
And sadly, the answer to your "how long can this go on" question is "not long". She may live a few more years, but you never know when some slight deviation from the norm will equal catastrophic consequences. A slip in the kitchen may equate to nursing home care, just as an example. No one knows what tomorrow will be like when it comes to caring for an elderly loved one.
How does your husband feel about your situation?
Thanks again for joining us! I'll be thinking about you.
Thank you Missy. Well, the sisters will not do that. One has offered to come here, but we have a small farm and three dogs. She cannot handle that. And th4e desire is not to go anywhere but to be alone here. I know I probably sounded very cold. I'm not really. Just that this is not my mom. And the only thing we have in common is my husband. He is always behind me. I have no complaints there. He is almost as crazy as I am, but being his mother he naturally has a lifetime of care for her.
As much as I would like to spare my Jim the grief he will experience, I am afraid in a "few more years" I'll be insane. And I live in terror of a fall.
We do try to get her out. We bought her a sweet little wheelchair to take her places and she will not go. She is perfectly content just sitting and staring or doing her book. No interests. She won't even go for a ride.
Thank you Missy for the kind welcome and thoughts. Time will tell.
Sarah
Thank you Missy. Well, the sisters will not do that. One has offered to come here, but we have a small farm and three dogs. She cannot handle that. And th4e desire is not to go anywhere but to be alone here. I know I probably sounded very cold. I'm not really. Just that this is not my mom. And the only thing we have in common is my husband. He is always behind me. I have no complaints there. He is almost as crazy as I am, but being his mother he naturally has a lifetime of care for her.
As much as I would like to spare my Jim the grief he will experience, I am afraid in a "few more years" I'll be insane. And I live in terror of a fall.
We do try to get her out. We bought her a sweet little wheelchair to take her places and she will not go. She is perfectly content just sitting and staring or doing her book. No interests. She won't even go for a ride.
Thank you Missy for the kind welcome and thoughts. Time will tell.
Sarah
Just for the record, your small farm and three dogs sounds like my heaven. If you provided care for me, I may be pretty content just hanging out too! ;-)
Last question and then I swear I'll let someone else get a word in here...is mom-in-law totally against another living arrangement? Is there somewhere she could live (assisted living, another type of senior housing) that has safety features such as grab bars in tubs, railing for walking around the apartment and call buttons for emergencies? How does your husband feel about his mom living in a long-term care facility?
Just for the record, your small farm and three dogs sounds like my heaven. If you provided care for me, I may be pretty content just hanging out too! ;-)
Last question and then I swear I'll let someone else get a word in here...is mom-in-law totally against another living arrangement? Is there somewhere she could live (assisted living, another type of senior housing) that has safety features such as grab bars in tubs, railing for walking around the apartment and call buttons for emergencies? How does your husband feel about his mom living in a long-term care facility?
Missy, it really is heaven here. All but for the ghost. And other arrangements are out of the question. She would not go for it and we did promise each other we would take care of our parents. Man, now I really do sound like a cold heart. I just think it is different being his mom not mine. I could say to my mom "hey, let's do this or that" and if she didn't want to I could push. There is no pushing Jim's mom. Whatever I say to her about nearly anything sends her into tears. I am not the daughter she thought would be there for her. I know that. I know she is sad about it. But I'm an outsider in her world even though it's my home. I could choke his sister that dumped Mom when she needed her, but this is my deal now. Till either she passes or needs nursing care. I cannot imagine doing personal things for her. My character is lacking. Hugs to you Missy. Sarah
Missy, it really is heaven here. All but for the ghost. And other arrangements are out of the question. She would not go for it and we did promise each other we would take care of our parents. Man, now I really do sound like a cold heart. I just think it is different being his mom not mine. I could say to my mom "hey, let's do this or that" and if she didn't want to I could push. There is no pushing Jim's mom. Whatever I say to her about nearly anything sends her into tears. I am not the daughter she thought would be there for her. I know that. I know she is sad about it. But I'm an outsider in her world even though it's my home. I could choke his sister that dumped Mom when she needed her, but this is my deal now. Till either she passes or needs nursing care. I cannot imagine doing personal things for her. My character is lacking. Hugs to you Missy. Sarah