Angry father
I have an 80 year old Italian father who has dementia and macular degeneration. I have a caregiver go to the house 6 days a week for 4 hours a day. She has been a huge help in caring for him as he is mean and angry to me, no matter what I do or dont do. He was on Aricept for a short time and had a side effect of muscle cramps. It worked for his confusion, and it also worked as an antidepressant. He is currently off of any dememtia meds until the next doctor appt. One problem I have with him is his attitude toward the caregiver. He wont let her do things like grocery shop because he says she is tired. Another problem I have is he gets VERY angry when I tell him thats what we pay her for. He tells me I'm cold and uncaring and hurls insults at me about how bad I am. He has an inappropriate attachment to her, and has spoken inappropriately to her many times. The caregiver says thats how old men get and she can handle him. If I see him every day, or once a week, he is always the same to me. I feel guilty that I dont want to be around him (with the caregiver, I dont have to be). I feel guilty that I wish he died last year instead of my wonderful patient mother who put up with his crap for 50 years. Am I the only one who feels this way? He says our relationship is broken. To me, I never had a relationship with my dad because he was never a nice guy, especially to my mom. My mom he demanded dinner and coffee when she was so sick before she died, and now he treats his caregiver like a queen, not allowing her do do her job. It makes me so very angry when I hear and see that. I know a conversation about his treatment of my mom is useless and will not be productive in any way, but man, I'd love to let him have it.
Angry father
I have an 80 year old Italian father who has dementia and macular degeneration. I have a caregiver go to the house 6 days a week for 4 hours a day. She has been a huge help in caring for him as he is mean and angry to me, no matter what I do or dont do. He was on Aricept for a short time and had a side effect of muscle cramps. It worked for his confusion, and it also worked as an antidepressant. He is currently off of any dememtia meds until the next doctor appt. One problem I have with him is his attitude toward the caregiver. He wont let her do things like grocery shop because he says she is tired. Another problem I have is he gets VERY angry when I tell him thats what we pay her for. He tells me I'm cold and uncaring and hurls insults at me about how bad I am. He has an inappropriate attachment to her, and has spoken inappropriately to her many times. The caregiver says thats how old men get and she can handle him. If I see him every day, or once a week, he is always the same to me. I feel guilty that I dont want to be around him (with the caregiver, I dont have to be). I feel guilty that I wish he died last year instead of my wonderful patient mother who put up with his crap for 50 years. Am I the only one who feels this way? He says our relationship is broken. To me, I never had a relationship with my dad because he was never a nice guy, especially to my mom. My mom he demanded dinner and coffee when she was so sick before she died, and now he treats his caregiver like a queen, not allowing her do do her job. It makes me so very angry when I hear and see that. I know a conversation about his treatment of my mom is useless and will not be productive in any way, but man, I'd love to let him have it.
Sometimes it feels like it would be so uplifting to say "you made this bed, lay in it!", doesn't it? Dad, I don't want to be around you. You're mean and it makes me so mad to see you treat a random woman better than a woman that stood by your side and took care of you for all those years. But what a hollow victory it would be, especially when you're dealing with dementia and the inability to rationally process such concepts. It wouldn't even be worth it. Worse, it'd probably make you feel guilty if he did get it and crumbled. What you can do, though, is talk with the caregiver about what you expect from her. If grocery shopping is on that list, ask her to proceed as arranged. If your dad is acting inappropriately with her (which I do agree, is pretty common among Alzheimer's and dementia patients), ask her, specifically how she handles it. Ask her to tell him it's inappropriate. True, she may have to constantly reinforce it, but in times of increased lucidity, maybe he'll get it.
Sometimes it feels like it would be so uplifting to say "you made this bed, lay in it!", doesn't it? Dad, I don't want to be around you. You're mean and it makes me so mad to see you treat a random woman better than a woman that stood by your side and took care of you for all those years. But what a hollow victory it would be, especially when you're dealing with dementia and the inability to rationally process such concepts. It wouldn't even be worth it. Worse, it'd probably make you feel guilty if he did get it and crumbled. What you can do, though, is talk with the caregiver about what you expect from her. If grocery shopping is on that list, ask her to proceed as arranged. If your dad is acting inappropriately with her (which I do agree, is pretty common among Alzheimer's and dementia patients), ask her, specifically how she handles it. Ask her to tell him it's inappropriate. True, she may have to constantly reinforce it, but in times of increased lucidity, maybe he'll get it.
For RJones, Dads,,,ahhhhhhhh,, seriously, since this is kinda a vent place and let your feelings out, I can relate to your situation. I have had my dad living with me for over 2 years now. he can be very self centered. Everytime I get busy, in the house, with one of my grandkids ( or anything, that has nothing to do with him directley) he thinks of something he wants done for himself. If that doesn't work he uses the trick, I gotta sit on the pot, which means he needs to have a BM. 99% percent of the time that is just a ruse to get my attention. But I never know and have to drop everything and take him. he cannot get on or off the pot himself. And we have had plenty of "accidents". The sad part is I don't remember any love or him putting anything aside for me when I was growing up. I have 4 sisters and he chose me to live with. He has dementia and is wheelchair bound and I have to make him do anything for himself, then he gets mad at me. ( 2 sisters live in different states and 2 in same state 3 hours away) At first I got alittle help from one of them. But I haven't had a night off since last Sept. and I need a break! One thing I have managed to do is get him to stop cursing in front of my grandkids. He not only cursed in front of them, but at them. He also curses me. I just tell him I am not gonna put up with that kind of talk and leave the room. He is totally dependant on me for everything. So afetr that he is sooo nice the rest of the day. He rarely thanks me for anything, but he has been that way all my life. Do you take care of paying the helper or does he? Is money an issue with him. I was thinking maybe if he actually saw the money go into her hand from him he might decide she needs to earn it. Also maybe you should not shop for him for a few days or week and see if that brings him around. If he has to do without milk a day or 2 he may decide she can shop for him. Sounds kinda mean but, if they are gonna act like a kid we have to use child psychology on them !!!! Hope this helps,,, rellim
For RJones, Dads,,,ahhhhhhhh,, seriously, since this is kinda a vent place and let your feelings out, I can relate to your situation. I have had my dad living with me for over 2 years now. he can be very self centered. Everytime I get busy, in the house, with one of my grandkids ( or anything, that has nothing to do with him directley) he thinks of something he wants done for himself. If that doesn't work he uses the trick, I gotta sit on the pot, which means he needs to have a BM. 99% percent of the time that is just a ruse to get my attention. But I never know and have to drop everything and take him. he cannot get on or off the pot himself. And we have had plenty of "accidents". The sad part is I don't remember any love or him putting anything aside for me when I was growing up. I have 4 sisters and he chose me to live with. He has dementia and is wheelchair bound and I have to make him do anything for himself, then he gets mad at me. ( 2 sisters live in different states and 2 in same state 3 hours away) At first I got alittle help from one of them. But I haven't had a night off since last Sept. and I need a break! One thing I have managed to do is get him to stop cursing in front of my grandkids. He not only cursed in front of them, but at them. He also curses me. I just tell him I am not gonna put up with that kind of talk and leave the room. He is totally dependant on me for everything. So afetr that he is sooo nice the rest of the day. He rarely thanks me for anything, but he has been that way all my life. Do you take care of paying the helper or does he? Is money an issue with him. I was thinking maybe if he actually saw the money go into her hand from him he might decide she needs to earn it. Also maybe you should not shop for him for a few days or week and see if that brings him around. If he has to do without milk a day or 2 he may decide she can shop for him. Sounds kinda mean but, if they are gonna act like a kid we have to use child psychology on them !!!! Hope this helps,,, rellim
Missy, Yes you are correct, it would be a hollow victory. Those thoughts have gone through my head. He crumbles still at the drop of a hat over Mom. In his mind, he was the best husband and he truly is lost without her. He has never had the ability to deal with money or appointments or anything. She truly was his everything. I really wonder if he has had a learning disability all his life as well.
I have spoken with the caregiver and she knows it is her job to do the grocery, and is learning how to manipulate him to her way. He must be treated like that to get things done for him. She also said she can handle the way he is and has had to do it before. She is a wonderful lady named Kloa. I'm so lucky to have had a strong woman like her placed with my dad. A strong woman is what's needed in his case.
Rellim, Gosh, I dont have half the burden you have with your dad. He is so lucky to have you take care of him in that manner, because I would never do that. My father living with me would ruin my life. If he ever needs daily care, he is going to a home where they can properly care for him. Now if it were my mom, she'd be with me in a heartbeat. Fortunately, my mom was smart enough to handle money and make it possible for him to pay for a caregiver and/or assisted living.
One part of the money issue is that he doesnt trust me. He says he feels like its a black hole that money is being pulled out of. He has such poor judgement and has no clue how much money he has, that I've had to take him off the accounts as the trustee and I handle it all. When I have a big $$ question, I talk to my brother about it first. He demanded total control of his money at one point that I opened a small account in both names, put $500 in it and got him the checkbook he demanded. He immediately lost the debit and credit cards, as well as his ID. He to this day has no clue where he put the checkbook and hasnt spent a dime out of it.
When he insults me about being untrustworthy, I remind him that if I were a different person, I could have lived high on the hog with his $$ and never have and never will. He CAN trust me.
I have actually had him do without groceries before and he DID get the message then. At that point, he was enamoured with a neighbor and would go to the store to buy her apple pie. I told him if he can do that, he can buy his own milk and eggs. That really stuck in his mind, believe me!
You are exactly correct that when they act like a child, they need to be treated like a child. Its very hard to realize that your father is at the end of his life, and you have never had a "normal" father. A good friend recently lost her dad. At his funeral, everyone there talked about what a good man he was, they went to him for advice, he helped them with stuff all their lives, they had fun with him. I honestly have a few fun memories as a child, but lots of memories about crap. Its not fair that I never had a chance to have a normal father.
The way I've dealt with that is to find someone so unlike everything I ever knew. I married the sweetest, tall, blond, handsome southern guy ever. He is everything different from what I grew up with, and DEFINATELY not Italian. When my mom died, he thanked me for never treating him like she treated my father. My husband is self sufficient and will be just fine if I go first. He'd be upset, but he can manage his life. He is a wonderful father to our children, and IS the kind of guy they go to for advice and help. We both have fun with our kids as adults now. My life is totally different from anything my parents were.
Good luck to you both, I appreciate the advice and replies!
Missy, Yes you are correct, it would be a hollow victory. Those thoughts have gone through my head. He crumbles still at the drop of a hat over Mom. In his mind, he was the best husband and he truly is lost without her. He has never had the ability to deal with money or appointments or anything. She truly was his everything. I really wonder if he has had a learning disability all his life as well.
I have spoken with the caregiver and she knows it is her job to do the grocery, and is learning how to manipulate him to her way. He must be treated like that to get things done for him. She also said she can handle the way he is and has had to do it before. She is a wonderful lady named Kloa. I'm so lucky to have had a strong woman like her placed with my dad. A strong woman is what's needed in his case.
Rellim, Gosh, I dont have half the burden you have with your dad. He is so lucky to have you take care of him in that manner, because I would never do that. My father living with me would ruin my life. If he ever needs daily care, he is going to a home where they can properly care for him. Now if it were my mom, she'd be with me in a heartbeat. Fortunately, my mom was smart enough to handle money and make it possible for him to pay for a caregiver and/or assisted living.
One part of the money issue is that he doesnt trust me. He says he feels like its a black hole that money is being pulled out of. He has such poor judgement and has no clue how much money he has, that I've had to take him off the accounts as the trustee and I handle it all. When I have a big $$ question, I talk to my brother about it first. He demanded total control of his money at one point that I opened a small account in both names, put $500 in it and got him the checkbook he demanded. He immediately lost the debit and credit cards, as well as his ID. He to this day has no clue where he put the checkbook and hasnt spent a dime out of it.
When he insults me about being untrustworthy, I remind him that if I were a different person, I could have lived high on the hog with his $$ and never have and never will. He CAN trust me.
I have actually had him do without groceries before and he DID get the message then. At that point, he was enamoured with a neighbor and would go to the store to buy her apple pie. I told him if he can do that, he can buy his own milk and eggs. That really stuck in his mind, believe me!
You are exactly correct that when they act like a child, they need to be treated like a child. Its very hard to realize that your father is at the end of his life, and you have never had a "normal" father. A good friend recently lost her dad. At his funeral, everyone there talked about what a good man he was, they went to him for advice, he helped them with stuff all their lives, they had fun with him. I honestly have a few fun memories as a child, but lots of memories about crap. Its not fair that I never had a chance to have a normal father.
The way I've dealt with that is to find someone so unlike everything I ever knew. I married the sweetest, tall, blond, handsome southern guy ever. He is everything different from what I grew up with, and DEFINATELY not Italian. When my mom died, he thanked me for never treating him like she treated my father. My husband is self sufficient and will be just fine if I go first. He'd be upset, but he can manage his life. He is a wonderful father to our children, and IS the kind of guy they go to for advice and help. We both have fun with our kids as adults now. My life is totally different from anything my parents were.
Good luck to you both, I appreciate the advice and replies!
I am the spouse of an "angry" husband. He has always been loud, yelling and easily provoked even in a work enviornment. H had a car accident, hit a tree after falling aslep at the wheel. Anyone else would not have survived tis crash. It was at 60mph and a large tree. He sufferred over 19 broken bones, includinga shattered pelvis and has had a hip replacement since. Before this he had been diagnosed with diabetes and had cellulitis that almost caused the loss of his right leg. He had 3rd degree burns from the inside out. This was when I really started to have to be a home nurse. I learned everything to do for his conditions as theyhave progressed. He hates his enviornment, yells at me and his son whostill lives with us. His son, 19 on th 30th of thi month, has not ever had a learners permit let alone a drives liscence. I have been diagnosed with Chronic depresion and pain syndrone. Yet, the focus is always onhow to make my husband happy. The answer I have finally come to know is NO! I am NOT responsible for his happiness, his behavior, his anger, or his health. And YOU are not responsible for your Father's. It sounds like you are doing what needs to be done an more to provide a caregiver for him. Let it Go. You can step back and know that you have done your best and if that is not good enough for him then its his problem. I understand how you feel. I hope this helps you just to know that there ae others out there with intlerable living situations and you are not alone. Find someone to talk to. You can talk to me. I am alone in my care giving role at this time but I have realized that I have not cared for myslf, even through signs I may have breast cancer. Just let him know, if he wants to be a rational decent parent that you are available and then take a break. You are lucky you do not live with him - believe me. If I am able, I want to finally have some hapiness and peace for myself. I do not think I am asking for too much.
I am the spouse of an "angry" husband. He has always been loud, yelling and easily provoked even in a work enviornment. H had a car accident, hit a tree after falling aslep at the wheel. Anyone else would not have survived tis crash. It was at 60mph and a large tree. He sufferred over 19 broken bones, includinga shattered pelvis and has had a hip replacement since. Before this he had been diagnosed with diabetes and had cellulitis that almost caused the loss of his right leg. He had 3rd degree burns from the inside out. This was when I really started to have to be a home nurse. I learned everything to do for his conditions as theyhave progressed. He hates his enviornment, yells at me and his son whostill lives with us. His son, 19 on th 30th of thi month, has not ever had a learners permit let alone a drives liscence. I have been diagnosed with Chronic depresion and pain syndrone. Yet, the focus is always onhow to make my husband happy. The answer I have finally come to know is NO! I am NOT responsible for his happiness, his behavior, his anger, or his health. And YOU are not responsible for your Father's. It sounds like you are doing what needs to be done an more to provide a caregiver for him. Let it Go. You can step back and know that you have done your best and if that is not good enough for him then its his problem. I understand how you feel. I hope this helps you just to know that there ae others out there with intlerable living situations and you are not alone. Find someone to talk to. You can talk to me. I am alone in my care giving role at this time but I have realized that I have not cared for myslf, even through signs I may have breast cancer. Just let him know, if he wants to be a rational decent parent that you are available and then take a break. You are lucky you do not live with him - believe me. If I am able, I want to finally have some hapiness and peace for myself. I do not think I am asking for too much.
Hello there
Your husband is lucky to have a wife that will stand by him. My mother was that way. She put up with 50 years of being married to him.
You are correct. You are not responsible for anyones happiness but your own. Take care of yourself and do what you have to do for yourself. I hope you're results are not cancerous.
Thank you for responding.
Hello there
Your husband is lucky to have a wife that will stand by him. My mother was that way. She put up with 50 years of being married to him.
You are correct. You are not responsible for anyones happiness but your own. Take care of yourself and do what you have to do for yourself. I hope you're results are not cancerous.
Thank you for responding.
I just wrote a post on the Caring Currents blog about the topic of angry, irritable men and illnesss. It has some suggestions and also information; check it out and add your two cents there, too, please!
I just wrote a post on the Caring Currents blog about the topic of angry, irritable men and illnesss. It has some suggestions and also information; check it out and add your two cents there, too, please!