i am falling apart
2 years ago my dad passed away. mom moved into a senior living facility, and did well. I DID NOT. she was very needy, and wanted me there all the time. i got a call from the hospital one morning saying she was being admitted. then she had a rotator cuff surgery and i couldnt do both houses anymore, so about a year ago i moved mom in with me and my family.
there are six of us, and everyone agreed, we moved my sons to the basement and made mom a room. this was a year and 3 months ago. i never asked for money, but mom said she would have a cleaning lady come in once a week for me to make it easier on me, and have the yard mowed. (she did not get the cleaning lady) we move a lot of moms things into our garage, and my husband would get angry because she would not go through her things. she still hasnt. we still do not have access to put our cars in the garage even after numerous times asking her to go through her things so we can downsize and clean our garage.
over the year, mom has become more and more hard to deal with. she is not bathing as often as she should, she has a bladder problem and she has canceled her appointments over and over, she is diabetic and a large woman...i pay for all her gorceries so she is getting what she needs, and she sneeks to mcdonalds she has gained over 20 lbs she is constantly saying she cant do anything because her back hurts or she cant walk very good, she started buying things on qvc, she has a shopping addiction, and will not stop. and now she is getting after my kids.
i work full time, my boys are in college, and i have twins that are still in high school. recently i found out my dtr is pregnant, and im sick over it. then, last month i found out my oldest son has some health issues that will require a hip replacement and over the past few months, my marriage has started to fall apart. i went to my sister who will not help me, i have told my mom i may be leaving our home and she will need to find a senior living facility to move to, and she said i am throwing her away, and she doesnt have the money for that anymore. probably her shopping addiction.
i feel like a bad daughter for complaining. i want to care for her but feel i am at my wits end. i need to move mom out, my life is falling apart around me. i dont want my last years with mom like this. i dont want my kids to remember mom like this.
has anyone gone through something similar?
I know that it sounds harsh but move your mom to a care facility where she will be well cared for or you will start hating her and you will never forgive yourself. Save your family that you still have and dont forget to pray for your mother and ask God for help and he will help!!Your mom will never need the stored items anymore --GET RID OF THEM!!
I know that it sounds harsh but move your mom to a care facility where she will be well cared for or you will start hating her and you will never forgive yourself. Save your family that you still have and dont forget to pray for your mother and ask God for help and he will help!!Your mom will never need the stored items anymore --GET RID OF THEM!!
Don't forget that your first responsibility is to your husband and kids....you will never get the time back for a "do over". As long as your Mom is in a safe place, it DOES NOT need to be in your home. Good Luck!
Don't forget that your first responsibility is to your husband and kids....you will never get the time back for a "do over". As long as your Mom is in a safe place, it DOES NOT need to be in your home. Good Luck!
Lin...sounds like you have your hands full. You really need to ask mom to help you financially. If she receives Social Security or a pension, she needs to contribute to make things easier for you. Then you can hire a cleaning lady. My sister and I share care for mom. She stays with me 3 weeks, and my sister 3 weeks. It works well. It gives us both time away from it. It does involve a little effort on our part but it is SOOO worth it. My marriage has suffered as well and this "respite" time gives my hubby and myself some time to recover. Maybe you need to go on a vacation for a day or two with your husband and have someone else care for "mom". I myself have a pregnant unwed daughter which is causing me sleepless nights but we take it one day at a time. I just got the cast off of my broken arm last week so this was a big problem for me while caring for "mom" but I got through it. Maybe your sister would be willing to care for "mom" part time or even a weekend. I know how you feel about feeling bad towards "mom". I have been retired for 9 years now and during that time, most of my "spare" time has been spent in doctor's offices, hair salons, eye doctors, etc. This certainly was not what I envisioned.
And if mom can't afford to stay full time in a nursing facility, try part time, or share caring with your sister or find someone to stay with mom overnight so you can go away. Are there any grandchildren who would be willing to spend the night with "mom"? You really need to take some time for yourself or you will end up "hating" mom. I know it's not easy to get help as we are currently looking for someone to stay overnight with mom for one weekend in August so both my sister and myself can go camping and see my great niece and sis' granddaughter and my mom has simply refused to go even though she would be staying in a camper. But I wonder if at 87, if I would want to go camping? But mom really would prefer that one of us remain at home to stay with her. I love mom but trying to stop us from enjoying life really makes me resentful. And she does it all of the time.
And as far as mom's things....have a rummage sale and use the money for a mini vacation!! She owes you something for caring for her. My mom pays us $100 per week to pay for her groceries, etc. and this amount is very fair, however, now with the air conditioning and her breathing machine, our electric bills may skyrocket and we may have to ask for more and mom makes only $800 per month. She has very few bills and can afford to pay us something. And she has more in her savings account that I do. I know that I have gone on and on, but you sound like you could really use a break and "mom" really needs to help you find that break. Take care of yourself or you cannot take care of others.
My sister and I feel that a nursing home is a last resort as mom is failing but if you need that, do it. I worked in one,and it's not as bad as everyone says. Many of the workers really care for their charges. I know that I did. I had to quit so that I could care for mom but I still miss "them". Take care of yourself and know that you are truly doing a good service to your mother. And if you don't want to lose your marriage, you need time away. You owe it to yourself.
Lin...sounds like you have your hands full. You really need to ask mom to help you financially. If she receives Social Security or a pension, she needs to contribute to make things easier for you. Then you can hire a cleaning lady. My sister and I share care for mom. She stays with me 3 weeks, and my sister 3 weeks. It works well. It gives us both time away from it. It does involve a little effort on our part but it is SOOO worth it. My marriage has suffered as well and this "respite" time gives my hubby and myself some time to recover. Maybe you need to go on a vacation for a day or two with your husband and have someone else care for "mom". I myself have a pregnant unwed daughter which is causing me sleepless nights but we take it one day at a time. I just got the cast off of my broken arm last week so this was a big problem for me while caring for "mom" but I got through it. Maybe your sister would be willing to care for "mom" part time or even a weekend. I know how you feel about feeling bad towards "mom". I have been retired for 9 years now and during that time, most of my "spare" time has been spent in doctor's offices, hair salons, eye doctors, etc. This certainly was not what I envisioned.
And if mom can't afford to stay full time in a nursing facility, try part time, or share caring with your sister or find someone to stay with mom overnight so you can go away. Are there any grandchildren who would be willing to spend the night with "mom"? You really need to take some time for yourself or you will end up "hating" mom. I know it's not easy to get help as we are currently looking for someone to stay overnight with mom for one weekend in August so both my sister and myself can go camping and see my great niece and sis' granddaughter and my mom has simply refused to go even though she would be staying in a camper. But I wonder if at 87, if I would want to go camping? But mom really would prefer that one of us remain at home to stay with her. I love mom but trying to stop us from enjoying life really makes me resentful. And she does it all of the time.
And as far as mom's things....have a rummage sale and use the money for a mini vacation!! She owes you something for caring for her. My mom pays us $100 per week to pay for her groceries, etc. and this amount is very fair, however, now with the air conditioning and her breathing machine, our electric bills may skyrocket and we may have to ask for more and mom makes only $800 per month. She has very few bills and can afford to pay us something. And she has more in her savings account that I do. I know that I have gone on and on, but you sound like you could really use a break and "mom" really needs to help you find that break. Take care of yourself or you cannot take care of others.
My sister and I feel that a nursing home is a last resort as mom is failing but if you need that, do it. I worked in one,and it's not as bad as everyone says. Many of the workers really care for their charges. I know that I did. I had to quit so that I could care for mom but I still miss "them". Take care of yourself and know that you are truly doing a good service to your mother. And if you don't want to lose your marriage, you need time away. You owe it to yourself.
I myself am going thru the same thing.I have had my MOM at my apt, for6yrs.with no help.I am to the edge I have no LIFE.Iam 55yrs old,My MOM is 84yrs old.I thought I would be living anice quiet life.No such thing ,I am getting tired, I have no HELP and she is getting worse. I am trying to hang on but I am coming to the end,I am in counseling and seeing the Psych. Dr.also so and I am reassured by them that to put her in a Home to not feel guilty
I myself am going thru the same thing.I have had my MOM at my apt, for6yrs.with no help.I am to the edge I have no LIFE.Iam 55yrs old,My MOM is 84yrs old.I thought I would be living anice quiet life.No such thing ,I am getting tired, I have no HELP and she is getting worse. I am trying to hang on but I am coming to the end,I am in counseling and seeing the Psych. Dr.also so and I am reassured by them that to put her in a Home to not feel guilty
Have you considered trying to get help in the community, there are free organizations that can provide respite care?
Have you considered trying to get help in the community, there are free organizations that can provide respite care?
Hi again... Just to make a further comment...you really need to take care of yourself with some type of getaway. My counselor tells me that we do not have an obligation to care for our parents, but we do have an obligation to see that they are cared for. That was good advice. So, with that in mind, hire someone to "care for" your mom and go away for a weekend...Use her money to pay for it.
My mom fell 2 nights ago but lucky for me, she didn't break anything. She is 87 and weighs only 10 pounds more than her age. She is very frail and she hit her back on our metal scales. But she only had a bruise on her back and a very sore groin. We were lucky. She could have so easily broken a hip.
I can't wait to go on my vacation!!! Time to get lost in another world. My daughter (who's in safe house) has finally located a possible place to live and so this will relieve some of my stress. SHe has 2 children and all of them have been abused by my son in law.
What I want in my life is balance.....haven't found that yet. I guess mom's balance is off as well!!! Anyway, I've had 2 good news scenarios in 2 days...I'll take it.
So, the moral of this is if you are taking care of your parents and children and spouse, try to take a vacation!!! And maybe your stress level will dissipate if only for a short time and then you can get back to the really "difficult" stuff. Take care.
Hi again... Just to make a further comment...you really need to take care of yourself with some type of getaway. My counselor tells me that we do not have an obligation to care for our parents, but we do have an obligation to see that they are cared for. That was good advice. So, with that in mind, hire someone to "care for" your mom and go away for a weekend...Use her money to pay for it.
My mom fell 2 nights ago but lucky for me, she didn't break anything. She is 87 and weighs only 10 pounds more than her age. She is very frail and she hit her back on our metal scales. But she only had a bruise on her back and a very sore groin. We were lucky. She could have so easily broken a hip.
I can't wait to go on my vacation!!! Time to get lost in another world. My daughter (who's in safe house) has finally located a possible place to live and so this will relieve some of my stress. SHe has 2 children and all of them have been abused by my son in law.
What I want in my life is balance.....haven't found that yet. I guess mom's balance is off as well!!! Anyway, I've had 2 good news scenarios in 2 days...I'll take it.
So, the moral of this is if you are taking care of your parents and children and spouse, try to take a vacation!!! And maybe your stress level will dissipate if only for a short time and then you can get back to the really "difficult" stuff. Take care.
Hi Lin, my heart goes out to you. Congratulations on all you have done and tried to do for your mother, as well as care for your family. You can't have done more. However, it is now time for you to look after yourself. Please don't let your mother manipulate you and your family AND your life any longer? It appears to me that, as difficult as it will be, it is time she move into a facility where she can be cared for while you care for yourself and your family and try to get your life back together. Your responsibility is to your children, not to your mother. We love our mothers, and we're grateful for what they have done for us all our lives, but in such a situation you must prioritise your family. It will of course cause great animosity for some time if you raise this subject with your mum, but she needs to be more selfless and continue to care about her daughter's and grandchildren's wellbeing again - as she did when she was younger. She appears to me to be stepping over the line in the sand. This is YOUR home - not her home. There can only be one woman controlling the smooth running of a home. The sooner you bite the bullet, the sooner you and your family can try to enjoy your family unit once again. Your husband, too, needs to know without doubt that you put him first. In truth, I have found that aging parents can become very self-centred. You need to centre on self too. If not, I fear you will lose not only your family, but also your sanity. You need to be strong, use wisdom, but speak at all times in love - for your husband, children, mother, and your SELF. Take care, and all the very best.
Hi Lin, my heart goes out to you. Congratulations on all you have done and tried to do for your mother, as well as care for your family. You can't have done more. However, it is now time for you to look after yourself. Please don't let your mother manipulate you and your family AND your life any longer? It appears to me that, as difficult as it will be, it is time she move into a facility where she can be cared for while you care for yourself and your family and try to get your life back together. Your responsibility is to your children, not to your mother. We love our mothers, and we're grateful for what they have done for us all our lives, but in such a situation you must prioritise your family. It will of course cause great animosity for some time if you raise this subject with your mum, but she needs to be more selfless and continue to care about her daughter's and grandchildren's wellbeing again - as she did when she was younger. She appears to me to be stepping over the line in the sand. This is YOUR home - not her home. There can only be one woman controlling the smooth running of a home. The sooner you bite the bullet, the sooner you and your family can try to enjoy your family unit once again. Your husband, too, needs to know without doubt that you put him first. In truth, I have found that aging parents can become very self-centred. You need to centre on self too. If not, I fear you will lose not only your family, but also your sanity. You need to be strong, use wisdom, but speak at all times in love - for your husband, children, mother, and your SELF. Take care, and all the very best.
Hey Lin, you ask "has anyone gone through this"? YES anyone of us that are at an age that have parents that are dying, dead, or sick. Sounds a bit morbid but we have all have these situations that we all go through. Our parents raised us to be caring...so pull up your boots and start caring, caring first of all for yourself or you wont be able to care for anyone else, caring for your marriage, caring for your son who needs you most now through his surgery. i didn't hear you mention once about a higher power above. Ask up above or whoever it may be that you need help and you "think" your falling apart. Start by saying Hello God I know I haven't spoke to you in a long while but i need your help. Ask with conviction, Ask with faith and pow...with in a short time you'll find yourself with a new strength you never new you had. Your going through a rough patch of stormy weather but YOU ARE NOT FALLING APART!!! You are the rock that holds this family together. I Believe That you can keep going long after you think you can't. I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. Have a garge sale for your moms stuff. If she or you haven't used something for one year...out it goes, give it away, sell it for a fifty cent a dollar...who cares, STUFF gets in your way...Remove it. Take control, your a big girl now! I Believe... That even when you think you have no more to give, you will find the strength to give more. you said "I" about a hundred times in your blog...take out "I" and start doing. Yes i'm being...uhm not harsh, but very direct. If I could I'd go over there I'd give you a big hug and then help you get to work...This is your "LIFE". Make the best of it, because before you know it you're going to be exactly where your mom is now and you are teaching your kids by your actions of the fantastic deeds you are doing. By the way I lost my dad to chemo therapy five years ago on his 72nd birthday. My mom now has bone cancer, and now we have to watch her in excrutiating pain which totally Fn sucks...all we can do now is tell her how much we love her. One night I was so depressed thinking about caring for my mom the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Life line and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked “can you drive a truck.? That was a joke Lin! Smile,Laugh often it's contagious. Your kids are watching! Alot of times we have to stop and thank God for all the goodness he has bestowed upon us.May Your goodness continue to surround You & fill Your heart with peace & love.
Hey Lin, you ask "has anyone gone through this"? YES anyone of us that are at an age that have parents that are dying, dead, or sick. Sounds a bit morbid but we have all have these situations that we all go through. Our parents raised us to be caring...so pull up your boots and start caring, caring first of all for yourself or you wont be able to care for anyone else, caring for your marriage, caring for your son who needs you most now through his surgery. i didn't hear you mention once about a higher power above. Ask up above or whoever it may be that you need help and you "think" your falling apart. Start by saying Hello God I know I haven't spoke to you in a long while but i need your help. Ask with conviction, Ask with faith and pow...with in a short time you'll find yourself with a new strength you never new you had. Your going through a rough patch of stormy weather but YOU ARE NOT FALLING APART!!! You are the rock that holds this family together. I Believe That you can keep going long after you think you can't. I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. Have a garge sale for your moms stuff. If she or you haven't used something for one year...out it goes, give it away, sell it for a fifty cent a dollar...who cares, STUFF gets in your way...Remove it. Take control, your a big girl now! I Believe... That even when you think you have no more to give, you will find the strength to give more. you said "I" about a hundred times in your blog...take out "I" and start doing. Yes i'm being...uhm not harsh, but very direct. If I could I'd go over there I'd give you a big hug and then help you get to work...This is your "LIFE". Make the best of it, because before you know it you're going to be exactly where your mom is now and you are teaching your kids by your actions of the fantastic deeds you are doing. By the way I lost my dad to chemo therapy five years ago on his 72nd birthday. My mom now has bone cancer, and now we have to watch her in excrutiating pain which totally Fn sucks...all we can do now is tell her how much we love her. One night I was so depressed thinking about caring for my mom the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Life line and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked “can you drive a truck.? That was a joke Lin! Smile,Laugh often it's contagious. Your kids are watching! Alot of times we have to stop and thank God for all the goodness he has bestowed upon us.May Your goodness continue to surround You & fill Your heart with peace & love.
Hi Lin, I am a long term care nurse.Many a family has been so grateful to us for the loving care we give to a loved one.Yes it is very hard to give individual attention all the time, but at my facility we do our best.It really sounds like the health of your family is at risk if you don't put Mom in a care home. It seems she is alert enough to manipulate you, that is probably what your husband is seeing.She's a drama queen. There are agencies who help in placement. She may need to be assessed for the right type of care.I would start looking yesterday, it's not fair for her to infringe on you. This could totally ruin your life,don't let it. Look and see what agencies are available for help.
Hi Lin, I am a long term care nurse.Many a family has been so grateful to us for the loving care we give to a loved one.Yes it is very hard to give individual attention all the time, but at my facility we do our best.It really sounds like the health of your family is at risk if you don't put Mom in a care home. It seems she is alert enough to manipulate you, that is probably what your husband is seeing.She's a drama queen. There are agencies who help in placement. She may need to be assessed for the right type of care.I would start looking yesterday, it's not fair for her to infringe on you. This could totally ruin your life,don't let it. Look and see what agencies are available for help.
hi Lin... in my eyes, you gave mom what you could, your time, home etc... but when it starts taking a toll on your mental and physical health it is time to make some changes or you will be the one they are caring for.
I feel you have to put your needs first. You know in your heart what you have to do and try not to feel guilty because you have already given what you can.
When you get healthy again, you will be able to handle the other problems in your family. Sounds like you put mom first, unfortunately sometimes what you give is never enough. takeCare. karen
hi Lin... in my eyes, you gave mom what you could, your time, home etc... but when it starts taking a toll on your mental and physical health it is time to make some changes or you will be the one they are caring for.
I feel you have to put your needs first. You know in your heart what you have to do and try not to feel guilty because you have already given what you can.
When you get healthy again, you will be able to handle the other problems in your family. Sounds like you put mom first, unfortunately sometimes what you give is never enough. takeCare. karen
I am on the same journey, however, my mom is in a facility. Because of her diabetes the facility will be able to maintain the check on your mom's food. Do it for yourself and your family. Unless money is the issue, your mom needs to be in a facility yesterday.
I am on the same journey, however, my mom is in a facility. Because of her diabetes the facility will be able to maintain the check on your mom's food. Do it for yourself and your family. Unless money is the issue, your mom needs to be in a facility yesterday.
We are all writing to "Lin"...wonder what happened in that situation? That discussion was started 1 month ago. Hope Lin lets us know.
We are all writing to "Lin"...wonder what happened in that situation? That discussion was started 1 month ago. Hope Lin lets us know.
Take action. Checak out www.nextstepincare.org,
Take action. Checak out www.nextstepincare.org,