I know exactly what you going through; unfortunately you will not be able to persuade your mum. Try to get a professional carer to take you Mum to have a shower. My mother-in-law absolutely hates showers, she was arguing with me, yelling and screaming till the point that I was not able to do it and now twice per day a professional carer it’s coming. My mother-in-law still argues with her and yells at her, but at least she listens. I am sure that you have over there a special day care centres for people with dementia, maybe your mum will go there? To me it’s obvious that you need help. I have services for my mother-in-law every day in the morning and evening, plus 3x p.w. she is going to day care centre and other days I have service during the lunch as well. You can’t do it by yourself!

I know exactly what you going through; unfortunately you will not be able to persuade your mum. Try to get a professional carer to take you Mum to have a shower. My mother-in-law absolutely hates showers, she was arguing with me, yelling and screaming till the point that I was not able to do it and now twice per day a professional carer it’s coming. My mother-in-law still argues with her and yells at her, but at least she listens. I am sure that you have over there a special day care centres for people with dementia, maybe your mum will go there? To me it’s obvious that you need help. I have services for my mother-in-law every day in the morning and evening, plus 3x p.w. she is going to day care centre and other days I have service during the lunch as well. You can’t do it by yourself!

I had a similar problem and tried the same advice you got. While it made her happy not to have to get up for ANY reason, the moisture from the soiled brief caused a rash, then an infection from the waste material and urine, then skin breakdown in the crease of her legs right under the buttocks, then decubitus or bed sores. All within 6 days of changing her twice a day as advised by her PCP. If you think dealing with her getting out of the chair is difficult, try getting one who loves to sit to stay off the sitter to let the bed sores heal. While the physicians mean well by instilling autonomy (self decisions for patients) they really have no clue the outcome of their advice. It is very easy to give in to a difficult patients demands when they are combative or ornery, however, doing so is usually life shortening to them. After a new trip to the PCP's office with the bed sores, he decided that he would no longer advise caregivers to leave them sit for emotional stability's sake, but it was too late for us. The decubitus became infected to a point of no return and it killed her on day 23. The nurse working in the office advised me to consider everything I did on the same scale as a baby. Would I let my baby sit in a soiled diaper for any length of time? No,and most would not.People who treat Alzheimer or dementia patients only see them for an average 15 minutes in the office or hospital. 15 minutes is not enough time to really know the particulars of a patients' condition. The majority of what they professionally pass on in the way of advice is what they have read or heard from someone else. It is why caregivers have such high stress levels. AD patients NEVER decline by the book! Our PCP handed her some regular water for her cough after I stated she was on thickened liquids for choking during this same visit. He poo pooed the statement then had to call 911 when she aspirated in his office! He declared "she was not to that stage of the disease yet" according to his material! We spent 1 day in ICU and 2 on the med-surg floor for that one. The staff insisted I let them handle her and I did. It gave me a break and them some experience with an AD patient not on track with the "material". While she was on the med-surg floor they had to deal with the refusal to change her brief and her screaming "my doctor said I didn't have to"! I only got to hear one report from the nurses during this time, but the PCP sure got an earful on telling patients they didn't have to do something that was detrimental to their well being! He of course got an attitude and walked away. The nurses were so very happy to see her discharged they had her packed and ready to go within 10 minutes of the orders to DC. Had I not taken his advice she would have lived probably 2-3 more years according to the PCP's partner and the insurance company.

I had a similar problem and tried the same advice you got. While it made her happy not to have to get up for ANY reason, the moisture from the soiled brief caused a rash, then an infection from the waste material and urine, then skin breakdown in the crease of her legs right under the buttocks, then decubitus or bed sores. All within 6 days of changing her twice a day as advised by her PCP. If you think dealing with her getting out of the chair is difficult, try getting one who loves to sit to stay off the sitter to let the bed sores heal. While the physicians mean well by instilling autonomy (self decisions for patients) they really have no clue the outcome of their advice. It is very easy to give in to a difficult patients demands when they are combative or ornery, however, doing so is usually life shortening to them. After a new trip to the PCP's office with the bed sores, he decided that he would no longer advise caregivers to leave them sit for emotional stability's sake, but it was too late for us. The decubitus became infected to a point of no return and it killed her on day 23. The nurse working in the office advised me to consider everything I did on the same scale as a baby. Would I let my baby sit in a soiled diaper for any length of time? No,and most would not.People who treat Alzheimer or dementia patients only see them for an average 15 minutes in the office or hospital. 15 minutes is not enough time to really know the particulars of a patients' condition. The majority of what they professionally pass on in the way of advice is what they have read or heard from someone else. It is why caregivers have such high stress levels. AD patients NEVER decline by the book! Our PCP handed her some regular water for her cough after I stated she was on thickened liquids for choking during this same visit. He poo pooed the statement then had to call 911 when she aspirated in his office! He declared "she was not to that stage of the disease yet" according to his material! We spent 1 day in ICU and 2 on the med-surg floor for that one. The staff insisted I let them handle her and I did. It gave me a break and them some experience with an AD patient not on track with the "material". While she was on the med-surg floor they had to deal with the refusal to change her brief and her screaming "my doctor said I didn't have to"! I only got to hear one report from the nurses during this time, but the PCP sure got an earful on telling patients they didn't have to do something that was detrimental to their well being! He of course got an attitude and walked away. The nurses were so very happy to see her discharged they had her packed and ready to go within 10 minutes of the orders to DC. Had I not taken his advice she would have lived probably 2-3 more years according to the PCP's partner and the insurance company.

To your annonomous writer ~ Yours is a fantastic post ! You tell it as it actually can and does happen ! So much of caregiving is based on gut instinct. We have to go with our gut ~ PCP's don't "know" ~ I mean, really know their patients. Theirs is a constantly revolving door, because of terrible reimbursement rates. They must get you in and out, as quickly as possible. If not "by the book", one falls through the proverbial crack. As one writer noted a nurse suggested one would not let a babe remain in a soaked diaper. Let common sense prevail. Granted, these are most difficult issues ~ even as noted, life threatening. There comes a point when a loved one can't be best served by remaining at home, sad to say. A loving caregiver may need to be a daily visitor to a nursing facility, to monitor and suppliment care of the patient. Being there for a meal would be benificial to staff and to the family member. Our hearts go out to families in such predicaments. You try your best, but sometimes your best can in fact be detrimental. Please allow yourselves breathing space, and a "life", by considering a nursing facility for your loved one. Your visits will be meaningful to the one therein, you, the caregiver will be in better disposition each time they see you. Your memories may therefore not be of a stinging variety in the end. God Bless You and Yours ~

To your annonomous writer ~ Yours is a fantastic post ! You tell it as it actually can and does happen ! So much of caregiving is based on gut instinct. We have to go with our gut ~ PCP's don't "know" ~ I mean, really know their patients. Theirs is a constantly revolving door, because of terrible reimbursement rates. They must get you in and out, as quickly as possible. If not "by the book", one falls through the proverbial crack. As one writer noted a nurse suggested one would not let a babe remain in a soaked diaper. Let common sense prevail. Granted, these are most difficult issues ~ even as noted, life threatening. There comes a point when a loved one can't be best served by remaining at home, sad to say. A loving caregiver may need to be a daily visitor to a nursing facility, to monitor and suppliment care of the patient. Being there for a meal would be benificial to staff and to the family member. Our hearts go out to families in such predicaments. You try your best, but sometimes your best can in fact be detrimental. Please allow yourselves breathing space, and a "life", by considering a nursing facility for your loved one. Your visits will be meaningful to the one therein, you, the caregiver will be in better disposition each time they see you. Your memories may therefore not be of a stinging variety in the end. God Bless You and Yours ~

Soiled briefs cause skin breakdown and sores to the bone which are not only very painful, but costly in terms of having to treat in the hospital. This family needs some help from a home health agency, and meanwhile, PCG should investigate nursing homes with Alzheimer's unit. Costly? Yes, and all the patient's resources will have to be used to pay for this care until patient becomes Medicaid eligible.

Soiled briefs cause skin breakdown and sores to the bone which are not only very painful, but costly in terms of having to treat in the hospital. This family needs some help from a home health agency, and meanwhile, PCG should investigate nursing homes with Alzheimer's unit. Costly? Yes, and all the patient's resources will have to be used to pay for this care until patient becomes Medicaid eligible.

I've had the same situation with Mom not wanting to get out of bed to eat or drink. Thank God, she did get up for the bathroom. She is now in an Assisted Living for the time being. It's quite expensive and is using all of her money up. Perhaps you are making her too comfortable and giving her too much attention while she is in her chair. Maybe a safe chair at the table for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Maybe telling her where the refrigerater is and how to get her own drinks would help to get her out of the chair. If she has good balance and can walk, it's best that she does walk, even with assistance or her legs will get weak and she will need rehab to walk. Don't wait on her every need unless she helps herself a little Hope this helps. I know how aggravating this behavior is on the caretakers.

I've had the same situation with Mom not wanting to get out of bed to eat or drink. Thank God, she did get up for the bathroom. She is now in an Assisted Living for the time being. It's quite expensive and is using all of her money up. Perhaps you are making her too comfortable and giving her too much attention while she is in her chair. Maybe a safe chair at the table for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Maybe telling her where the refrigerater is and how to get her own drinks would help to get her out of the chair. If she has good balance and can walk, it's best that she does walk, even with assistance or her legs will get weak and she will need rehab to walk. Don't wait on her every need unless she helps herself a little Hope this helps. I know how aggravating this behavior is on the caretakers.

I am wondering if anyone has tried adderall to get a patient unwilling to move..... just wondering.............

I am wondering if anyone has tried adderall to get a patient unwilling to move..... just wondering.............

Thank you all for your response, you have all helped me as well. My mother, although I thought NEVER got out of "the chair" I now can respond does get up a couple/few times a day. The advise of treating as if a child is where I am at. If you do not get up and get your food you will not eat... Between dementia (sorry sp?) and depression and good old fashioned lazyness I feel as if I have a surley teenager again... and my yougest child is just about to turn 21. I am amazed that it truly helps me to know that I am not alone. Thanks to each of you for sharing, and giving me thoughts and things to be aware of.

Thank you all for your response, you have all helped me as well. My mother, although I thought NEVER got out of "the chair" I now can respond does get up a couple/few times a day. The advise of treating as if a child is where I am at. If you do not get up and get your food you will not eat... Between dementia (sorry sp?) and depression and good old fashioned lazyness I feel as if I have a surley teenager again... and my yougest child is just about to turn 21. I am amazed that it truly helps me to know that I am not alone. Thanks to each of you for sharing, and giving me thoughts and things to be aware of.

Alzheimer's at severe levels make it extremely difficult for loved ones and care givers. They definately have a mind of there own and often no matter what you do, they will avoid doing what you want them to do. We were luckier to get her changed when we matter of factly asked her and caught her by surprise as opposed to begging and pleading. She was in a soiled diaper much to long for they have a very strong will. Unfortunately a nursing home becomes a viable option. The thing they usually do there is hike the meds to create a Zombie type effect so they don't have the will to put up much of a fight and go along with the program. You can also increase the meds at home in conjunction with your doctor and allow you to have an easier chance to get the personal hygiene accomplished. God Bless and good luck!

Alzheimer's at severe levels make it extremely difficult for loved ones and care givers. They definately have a mind of there own and often no matter what you do, they will avoid doing what you want them to do. We were luckier to get her changed when we matter of factly asked her and caught her by surprise as opposed to begging and pleading. She was in a soiled diaper much to long for they have a very strong will. Unfortunately a nursing home becomes a viable option. The thing they usually do there is hike the meds to create a Zombie type effect so they don't have the will to put up much of a fight and go along with the program. You can also increase the meds at home in conjunction with your doctor and allow you to have an easier chance to get the personal hygiene accomplished. God Bless and good luck!

As another person mentioned, "hike the meds" While this may be fine in some nursing homes at home it can cause a person who is over medicated to fall and really injure themselves. With my Mom I learned not to ask her to make decisions. I don't ask her what she wants to eat. I made it and put it in front of her or told her dinner was ready and to join us. Another example,...It's time for you to get dressed. I can help you now. I did not say it in a bossy or mean way. Every one is different and responds differently. Just sharing what worked best for me at the time. Good luck!

As another person mentioned, "hike the meds" While this may be fine in some nursing homes at home it can cause a person who is over medicated to fall and really injure themselves. With my Mom I learned not to ask her to make decisions. I don't ask her what she wants to eat. I made it and put it in front of her or told her dinner was ready and to join us. Another example,...It's time for you to get dressed. I can help you now. I did not say it in a bossy or mean way. Every one is different and responds differently. Just sharing what worked best for me at the time. Good luck!

I too, have done the same thing as you. My mother sits in front of the TV all day and snacks. She thinks this is acceptable because she is 77 and has alittle arthritis and her biggest excuse is "I raised you" and that gives her the right to make all these unacceptable excuses.I have told her (asked her) the nite before that the next morning we should give her a bath (I'm lucky if it's once a month with all her excuses and phobias) and get dressed; out of the pajamas and robe that she insists on wearing every day. I even lay out her nice warm comfortable items, but I finally give up. Also, if I don't put the food on the plate she won't hardly eat anything decent. Just a couple of crackers or cookies. I am at my wits end; I have decided I have a toddler on my hands and I need to get more aggressive. Of course then, she says I am mean if I even go that direction. She acts as if this is a hotel and I am the wait staff. She won't go to the dr. and the one time she did go she refused to take the meds and more excuses.... Meanwhile she is just deteriorating and I have to see it. I already lost 2 family members 4 months apart last year. My son and my father, (I did everything for my father because "she just couldn't go out" and be a part of the dr.'s visits) and she wants to be this way to me?! Where's my support and most of all: "WHERE'S MY MOTHER." Good luck and thank you.

I too, have done the same thing as you. My mother sits in front of the TV all day and snacks. She thinks this is acceptable because she is 77 and has alittle arthritis and her biggest excuse is "I raised you" and that gives her the right to make all these unacceptable excuses.I have told her (asked her) the nite before that the next morning we should give her a bath (I'm lucky if it's once a month with all her excuses and phobias) and get dressed; out of the pajamas and robe that she insists on wearing every day. I even lay out her nice warm comfortable items, but I finally give up. Also, if I don't put the food on the plate she won't hardly eat anything decent. Just a couple of crackers or cookies. I am at my wits end; I have decided I have a toddler on my hands and I need to get more aggressive. Of course then, she says I am mean if I even go that direction. She acts as if this is a hotel and I am the wait staff. She won't go to the dr. and the one time she did go she refused to take the meds and more excuses.... Meanwhile she is just deteriorating and I have to see it. I already lost 2 family members 4 months apart last year. My son and my father, (I did everything for my father because "she just couldn't go out" and be a part of the dr.'s visits) and she wants to be this way to me?! Where's my support and most of all: "WHERE'S MY MOTHER." Good luck and thank you.

hi my mother use to live with me we were always very close before she after three weeks living with me and my husband and grandson who at the time was one years old. she always wanted me to wait on here all the time I had to set aside my grandson and husband and son and do what she wanted! It got so hard on me and my family! She had to be Number one all the time ! Bath was once a week, she was not very happy about it but I had to keep her clean even if she didn"t like it! every time I gave her a meal she always said I Done want that slop ! She is 87 and I just had to look into nurseing Homes for her she got me so i had to go onto stress Meds and it took me along time to be my self again! I MISS MY REAL MOM but she has lots of health promises and the nureing home she is in now keeps her very druged ! It hurts me to see her NOW

hi my mother use to live with me we were always very close before she after three weeks living with me and my husband and grandson who at the time was one years old. she always wanted me to wait on here all the time I had to set aside my grandson and husband and son and do what she wanted! It got so hard on me and my family! She had to be Number one all the time ! Bath was once a week, she was not very happy about it but I had to keep her clean even if she didn"t like it! every time I gave her a meal she always said I Done want that slop ! She is 87 and I just had to look into nurseing Homes for her she got me so i had to go onto stress Meds and it took me along time to be my self again! I MISS MY REAL MOM but she has lots of health promises and the nureing home she is in now keeps her very druged ! It hurts me to see her NOW

It is PAST time for yout to place your mom in a nusing (if she will qualify for Madicaide) or personal care (a cheaper alternative for private pay) home.

It is PAST time for yout to place your mom in a nusing (if she will qualify for Madicaide) or personal care (a cheaper alternative for private pay) home.

Hi dear I know how you feel I took care of my mom for four years in my home and I always had to tell her she needs to go to the bathroom but she always say I ALREADY WENT ! But she has not been out of her chair! I to this day love her so much! She is and always will be in my heart ! I hurt me so bad when I had to let her go to a nursing Home she has been there five years and every time I go see her I take her to the Bathroom and I am so mad because she has sores because they do not change her when they should. I talk to her nurse and they tell me there always check her every hour!But I do not think they do! My mom is 87 years old and she is always druged up because when I go to see her all she does is look at me and does not say much at all. It is so sad to see this happen! God bless you dear I know how you feel

Hi dear I know how you feel I took care of my mom for four years in my home and I always had to tell her she needs to go to the bathroom but she always say I ALREADY WENT ! But she has not been out of her chair! I to this day love her so much! She is and always will be in my heart ! I hurt me so bad when I had to let her go to a nursing Home she has been there five years and every time I go see her I take her to the Bathroom and I am so mad because she has sores because they do not change her when they should. I talk to her nurse and they tell me there always check her every hour!But I do not think they do! My mom is 87 years old and she is always druged up because when I go to see her all she does is look at me and does not say much at all. It is so sad to see this happen! God bless you dear I know how you feel

Pogocat, Bless you! Face the fact that you and parents have reached the point where something's gotta give. You are at the end of the line with the system in place, and this is no longer working. Have you tried home health? They may be able to come in 3 or 4 times a week. Ask your parents' doctors for a referral. You can call an agency who will come to evaluate. It's not near enough, but you can supplement by hiring a sitter/caregiver to come in for bathing and cleaning daily. Go ahead and investigate nursing homes. Yes, it is expensive, but after their resources are used, they will be eligible for Medicaid as the payer. Both your parents could live like this for years. You need a life, too.

Pogocat, Bless you! Face the fact that you and parents have reached the point where something's gotta give. You are at the end of the line with the system in place, and this is no longer working. Have you tried home health? They may be able to come in 3 or 4 times a week. Ask your parents' doctors for a referral. You can call an agency who will come to evaluate. It's not near enough, but you can supplement by hiring a sitter/caregiver to come in for bathing and cleaning daily. Go ahead and investigate nursing homes. Yes, it is expensive, but after their resources are used, they will be eligible for Medicaid as the payer. Both your parents could live like this for years. You need a life, too.

It appears that your mom will treat you like you allow it. Draw the line with her, and then go investigate assisted livings/nursing homes. Let her know that the current arrangement is not working, and will not work from this day forward. She is an emotional blackmailer, and will drive you into the ground if you allow it. Please read a good book on handling emotional blackmailers. It will help you cope, especially when all you are doing is not nearly enough. The comment about how she took care of you--well, as a mother of an infant, that's exactly what she should have done. You are under NO obligation to wait on a spoiled, demanding adult. You are doing no one, especially her, any favors by enabling her. She will only get worse.

It appears that your mom will treat you like you allow it. Draw the line with her, and then go investigate assisted livings/nursing homes. Let her know that the current arrangement is not working, and will not work from this day forward. She is an emotional blackmailer, and will drive you into the ground if you allow it. Please read a good book on handling emotional blackmailers. It will help you cope, especially when all you are doing is not nearly enough. The comment about how she took care of you--well, as a mother of an infant, that's exactly what she should have done. You are under NO obligation to wait on a spoiled, demanding adult. You are doing no one, especially her, any favors by enabling her. She will only get worse.

This is probably the number one reason people place their family members in nursing homes. They just can't stand it anymore and the guilt associated with trying to care for a ornery parent who insists on royal treatment is devastating to adult children. One of the biggest problems I find, is that you can't get away from it long enough for the feelings to subside. If your parent is the "you owe me" type of person, that one trait seems to hang on long after the ability to effectively make sound decisions is gone. I have a relative who is still mentally sound (kind of, sorta, most days) but knows what he is in store for. He is the biggest pain in the rear you can imagine trying to guilt his children into committing to care for him, step-by-step, the way he wants them to. It has been several years since any of them have smiled! He is a master at guilt and manipulation. As bad as he is now, I certainly hope they have a good nursing home on stand-by because the sheer misery of dealing with such a person after mental facilities are impaired is just frightening! While to do the best for your parent is commendable, being abused is not.

This is probably the number one reason people place their family members in nursing homes. They just can't stand it anymore and the guilt associated with trying to care for a ornery parent who insists on royal treatment is devastating to adult children. One of the biggest problems I find, is that you can't get away from it long enough for the feelings to subside. If your parent is the "you owe me" type of person, that one trait seems to hang on long after the ability to effectively make sound decisions is gone. I have a relative who is still mentally sound (kind of, sorta, most days) but knows what he is in store for. He is the biggest pain in the rear you can imagine trying to guilt his children into committing to care for him, step-by-step, the way he wants them to. It has been several years since any of them have smiled! He is a master at guilt and manipulation. As bad as he is now, I certainly hope they have a good nursing home on stand-by because the sheer misery of dealing with such a person after mental facilities are impaired is just frightening! While to do the best for your parent is commendable, being abused is not.

I have been reading all these and it has been good for me. I have always felt guilty about putting my mom in a nursing home. Mom had a massive stroke and could not move her entire right side. Mom weighted around 265 lbs. and I could not lift on her and had no one to help me. The drs. and nurses told me she should go to a nursing home for rehab and that she would get better. Well, she got worse. It took three nurses just to dress mom or change her diaper. She was dead weight. She also, did not try to help them. She hated being there and eveytime I went to visit which was everyday she would say when can I come home. The guilt trip. I cried buckets of tears wanting to bring mom home. Mom was my best friend as well as my mom. It was like a knife in my heart to leave her there everyday. Yet I knew it was the best place for her and they all loved and took good care of mom. I pray daily that when it is my time to be in a nursing home or what ever will happen to me that I will not put a quilt trip on my kids.

I know the pain of the guilt trip parents put on their kids. I don't want to be one of those parents. I try to always remind myself of this. I am getting old now so, it will not be long till this could be me in a nursing home. God help me to not be a burden to my family is my prayer. I wish others would read this before they too become a parent placing guilt on their kids. I don't think really any parent wants to be that way. They just get afraid if they don't the kids will forget about them and then they will be alone.

Well, I for one will never be alone. I hope my kids will always be glad to come to see me then go home to their family and perhaps even their family will WANT to come see me not feel they have to. I will never be alone because, I will have Jesus with me always. That will make a big difference in me and for me.

I have been reading all these and it has been good for me. I have always felt guilty about putting my mom in a nursing home. Mom had a massive stroke and could not move her entire right side. Mom weighted around 265 lbs. and I could not lift on her and had no one to help me. The drs. and nurses told me she should go to a nursing home for rehab and that she would get better. Well, she got worse. It took three nurses just to dress mom or change her diaper. She was dead weight. She also, did not try to help them. She hated being there and eveytime I went to visit which was everyday she would say when can I come home. The guilt trip. I cried buckets of tears wanting to bring mom home. Mom was my best friend as well as my mom. It was like a knife in my heart to leave her there everyday. Yet I knew it was the best place for her and they all loved and took good care of mom. I pray daily that when it is my time to be in a nursing home or what ever will happen to me that I will not put a quilt trip on my kids.

I know the pain of the guilt trip parents put on their kids. I don't want to be one of those parents. I try to always remind myself of this. I am getting old now so, it will not be long till this could be me in a nursing home. God help me to not be a burden to my family is my prayer. I wish others would read this before they too become a parent placing guilt on their kids. I don't think really any parent wants to be that way. They just get afraid if they don't the kids will forget about them and then they will be alone.

Well, I for one will never be alone. I hope my kids will always be glad to come to see me then go home to their family and perhaps even their family will WANT to come see me not feel they have to. I will never be alone because, I will have Jesus with me always. That will make a big difference in me and for me.

I came across this web site quite accidentaly and boy am I ever glad I did.

I as a daughter and caregiver of my 88 year old mother and so far in my right mind???, have at times felt that I am all alone in this. But reality, sets in and I know that there are lots of you out there going through the same thing.

I am happy to find you all out there....Don't want to say "Misery Love Company" but it has been comforting to me to know that I am REALLY NOT ALONE.

I came across this web site quite accidentaly and boy am I ever glad I did.

I as a daughter and caregiver of my 88 year old mother and so far in my right mind???, have at times felt that I am all alone in this. But reality, sets in and I know that there are lots of you out there going through the same thing.

I am happy to find you all out there....Don't want to say "Misery Love Company" but it has been comforting to me to know that I am REALLY NOT ALONE.

Glad you found us greyfox! Come join the pose'...there is knowledge in them thar hill!

Glad you found us greyfox! Come join the pose'...there is knowledge in them thar hill!

My Mom has been put on Namenda for about 2 weeks now and the only thing we can see is that it makes her aggresive towards my father. Half of the time she thinks that he is her father ( who was an awful father) and yells at him to get out of her house. She Used to be easier to calm down. She counts on me only, ( I have 3 brothers) but as of late says I don't believe you either Cindy! So hard, I treat her with love and respect and always keep my patience, but I worry about my Dad! How long can you live with someone that tells you they hate you? Even when we know she can't help it! It is just such a horrible vicious cycle that will never get better! God Bless You All and hang in there with me:)

My Mom has been put on Namenda for about 2 weeks now and the only thing we can see is that it makes her aggresive towards my father. Half of the time she thinks that he is her father ( who was an awful father) and yells at him to get out of her house. She Used to be easier to calm down. She counts on me only, ( I have 3 brothers) but as of late says I don't believe you either Cindy! So hard, I treat her with love and respect and always keep my patience, but I worry about my Dad! How long can you live with someone that tells you they hate you? Even when we know she can't help it! It is just such a horrible vicious cycle that will never get better! God Bless You All and hang in there with me:)

stimulants would work and so would steroids...at that age...what difference does it make about the drugs helping...i say go for it...where is the quality of life after all... if you were to ask the people who don't want to leave their beds and/or chairs or couches...i bet they are over living... i am only 58 and there are too many days where i feel the same way... but, i try to force myself...actually this is why i was driven to read this article...i have a lot of pain when i walk...i want to do more...but, my body hurts...i am also lonely...it would help if i had someone to walk with or do things with...i can't imagine being 70 and uncomfortable... i took steroids for an illness 7 mo. ago and i felt like i was 18! i walked and felt great...

stimulants would work and so would steroids...at that age...what difference does it make about the drugs helping...i say go for it...where is the quality of life after all... if you were to ask the people who don't want to leave their beds and/or chairs or couches...i bet they are over living... i am only 58 and there are too many days where i feel the same way... but, i try to force myself...actually this is why i was driven to read this article...i have a lot of pain when i walk...i want to do more...but, my body hurts...i am also lonely...it would help if i had someone to walk with or do things with...i can't imagine being 70 and uncomfortable... i took steroids for an illness 7 mo. ago and i felt like i was 18! i walked and felt great...

CNS stimulants such as amphetamines and methylphenidate are not indicated in this population due to underlying cardiac issues and can make some of the behaviors worse. Your friendly pharmacist. LAB

CNS stimulants such as amphetamines and methylphenidate are not indicated in this population due to underlying cardiac issues and can make some of the behaviors worse. Your friendly pharmacist. LAB

Boy, did it feel comforting to read all of these posts. I, too, am in the same situation of dealing with a manipulative, critical and lazy mother. She is now in a rehab facility after falling (she has done this lots recently due to total lack of muscle control) cracking open her head and subsequently causing a neck fracture. During her younger years (she is now 85) she was an RN and loves to tell everyone she IS a nurse. Poor thing knows squat about most medical issues. I retired early to live with both parents. Dad is 89 and declining rapidly with az. For the past 2wks, I have carted Dad back & forth to be with Mom. She is such a complainer and will not admit that her falls resulted from her total lack of activity. I have tried many suggestions to get her to move during the day. She just wants to sit and have someone (Dad) wait on her. She has become a thorn in my side and I am so disappointed in her. She still has some mental faculties but as a friend of mine said, "your mom sure is a piece of work". Since this recent episode I have not been very compassionate with her. Every day I ask her about walking and moving. She makes excuses. I remind her that as long as she is unable to walk by herself (even with walker) she is not coming home. So I have now left it up to her although this is extremely taxing on Dad and I so resent her for causing this herself and becoming a burden to him. God bless all of you and thank you for this site so that I know I am not alone. We do what we can and pray daily for God's mercy.

Boy, did it feel comforting to read all of these posts. I, too, am in the same situation of dealing with a manipulative, critical and lazy mother. She is now in a rehab facility after falling (she has done this lots recently due to total lack of muscle control) cracking open her head and subsequently causing a neck fracture. During her younger years (she is now 85) she was an RN and loves to tell everyone she IS a nurse. Poor thing knows squat about most medical issues. I retired early to live with both parents. Dad is 89 and declining rapidly with az. For the past 2wks, I have carted Dad back & forth to be with Mom. She is such a complainer and will not admit that her falls resulted from her total lack of activity. I have tried many suggestions to get her to move during the day. She just wants to sit and have someone (Dad) wait on her. She has become a thorn in my side and I am so disappointed in her. She still has some mental faculties but as a friend of mine said, "your mom sure is a piece of work". Since this recent episode I have not been very compassionate with her. Every day I ask her about walking and moving. She makes excuses. I remind her that as long as she is unable to walk by herself (even with walker) she is not coming home. So I have now left it up to her although this is extremely taxing on Dad and I so resent her for causing this herself and becoming a burden to him. God bless all of you and thank you for this site so that I know I am not alone. We do what we can and pray daily for God's mercy.

to the "friendly pharmacist" thank you...i didn't know this...sorry... just because i believe in having some quality of life for myself and wouldn't want to "just exist" doesn't mean it holds "true" for everyone... with gratitude for your response

to the "friendly pharmacist" thank you...i didn't know this...sorry... just because i believe in having some quality of life for myself and wouldn't want to "just exist" doesn't mean it holds "true" for everyone... with gratitude for your response

Our quality of life improved when we put our mother in Assisted Living. We can now sleep at night knowing she is being watched closely and is only 3 miles away from us.

Our quality of life improved when we put our mother in Assisted Living. We can now sleep at night knowing she is being watched closely and is only 3 miles away from us.

Sounds like it's time for you to bow out. Stop trying to "fix" Mama. If she wants to lie there, take her some flowers, give her a kiss, tell her you love her, sit a few minutes, then LEAVE. It's time for her to move on to the next level, perhaps a nursing home. Hire a driver to take dad for his visits.
There is absolutely no reason for a caregiver to give his or her entire life over to elderly, difficult parents. Do what you can, then draw the line for your own sanity and health or you will be gone before they will.

Sounds like it's time for you to bow out. Stop trying to "fix" Mama. If she wants to lie there, take her some flowers, give her a kiss, tell her you love her, sit a few minutes, then LEAVE. It's time for her to move on to the next level, perhaps a nursing home. Hire a driver to take dad for his visits.
There is absolutely no reason for a caregiver to give his or her entire life over to elderly, difficult parents. Do what you can, then draw the line for your own sanity and health or you will be gone before they will.

I know I should be alittle bit more aggressive, but I'm always accused of being "mean," yet the other nite my grandchildren needed my help, they lost their father last year. I totally blew up with no support of any kind. My sister won't take her for a visit so I'm left to deal with all of it. I do attend a support group when I can, but isn't this a two-way street? She won't talk to anyone. I thank you for your words of support every little bit helps!

I know I should be alittle bit more aggressive, but I'm always accused of being "mean," yet the other nite my grandchildren needed my help, they lost their father last year. I totally blew up with no support of any kind. My sister won't take her for a visit so I'm left to deal with all of it. I do attend a support group when I can, but isn't this a two-way street? She won't talk to anyone. I thank you for your words of support every little bit helps!

Hey guess what....you are guilty of ELDER ABUSE if you let the elder sit in her chair.

I am so frustrated with the system. But I highly recommend a lawyer who specializes in elder care law for any question that comes up regarding a senior/caregiver situation.

It's unreal how they think that because a person can state their name, Date of Birth, todays date, and who the president is - that means they are mentally alert. I'm sure Charlie Sheen is Mentally Alert, but would we call him Mentally Competent? Heck no....

Hey guess what....you are guilty of ELDER ABUSE if you let the elder sit in her chair.

I am so frustrated with the system. But I highly recommend a lawyer who specializes in elder care law for any question that comes up regarding a senior/caregiver situation.

It's unreal how they think that because a person can state their name, Date of Birth, todays date, and who the president is - that means they are mentally alert. I'm sure Charlie Sheen is Mentally Alert, but would we call him Mentally Competent? Heck no....

Hello everyone, I care for my 86 yo mom in my home for the past 2-1/2 years; she was diagnosed with alzeheimers in 1999. My dad dealt with the early stages until he was diagnosed and passed away from lung cancer in 2008. I too have a manipulative mom. She treats me like useless dirt but when outsiders, i.e., doctor, nurse, visitors, come around she turns into the sweet little honey, nice and polite even comedic. She has learned how to tell people what they want to hear so she's had the doctor fooled for over a year. Now that her mental status is declining she just does the "sweet lil' me" act. Once it's just her and I she curses me out. Everytime I touch her with gloves or bare hand (which is rare) she claims I scratched her, my hands are cold, I hurt her. Now I understand her skin is sensitive; however, the nurse or homemaker can touch her rough and she does mumble a word. In the middle of the night she will get up go to the bathroom then of course directly to the kitchen (with unwashed hands of course)get in the bed then call my dad (whose been dead since 2008)for hours then she'll call me; when I answer, she'll say something in a low voice, forcing me to have to get out the bed and walk in her room for her to say, "would you bring me some water", the glass of water is 3 steps away from her. This disease is just unreal; but the most frustrating part, at least with my mom, is the rapid change in emotions based on who is around. I can't enjoy my children anymore because she wants everything quiet, EVERYTHING bothers her. I bought an eliptical since I spend all my non-working hours at home with her and I can't use it because it makes a noise that annoys her. She critiques EVERYTHING I do. She forgets when she's had a meal, so when she see someone eating, she wants to eat even if she just ate. She'll curse me out if I dare state that you just finished your meal. Sometimes I feel like I am going to use it and I know the few friends (2) that I have and the family that does not come around don't really understand and I know they really don't want to hear me vent about what she did today. I don't know how much more I can take, but I know it would KILL her and me to put her in a home. If she pushes my buttons and I love her dearly, I can only imagine what someone who sees her as a "pain in the butt" in a nursing home would do to her - really. I would not be able to survive that; if I walked into a home and my mom was overly drugged up and had just ONE bed soar, I would LOSE IT. Healthcare providers are USELESS unless you have a GREAT insurance of which my mom does not have (Medicare/Medicaid) are good for supplies and meds but for treatment and day to day care - totally useless. I have to tell my mom's physician what to prescribe, what I think she needs, etc., you would think I'm a healthcare provider. I spend hours researching meds, their complication, their progress and the stages of alzhemiers, and how to care for an alzhemier's patient, etc. sorry for ranting, I'm probably all over the place. Just so much to get out, so little time, no one who REALLY understands. blessings to all and my we all get through this with our minds in tact.

Hello everyone, I care for my 86 yo mom in my home for the past 2-1/2 years; she was diagnosed with alzeheimers in 1999. My dad dealt with the early stages until he was diagnosed and passed away from lung cancer in 2008. I too have a manipulative mom. She treats me like useless dirt but when outsiders, i.e., doctor, nurse, visitors, come around she turns into the sweet little honey, nice and polite even comedic. She has learned how to tell people what they want to hear so she's had the doctor fooled for over a year. Now that her mental status is declining she just does the "sweet lil' me" act. Once it's just her and I she curses me out. Everytime I touch her with gloves or bare hand (which is rare) she claims I scratched her, my hands are cold, I hurt her. Now I understand her skin is sensitive; however, the nurse or homemaker can touch her rough and she does mumble a word. In the middle of the night she will get up go to the bathroom then of course directly to the kitchen (with unwashed hands of course)get in the bed then call my dad (whose been dead since 2008)for hours then she'll call me; when I answer, she'll say something in a low voice, forcing me to have to get out the bed and walk in her room for her to say, "would you bring me some water", the glass of water is 3 steps away from her. This disease is just unreal; but the most frustrating part, at least with my mom, is the rapid change in emotions based on who is around. I can't enjoy my children anymore because she wants everything quiet, EVERYTHING bothers her. I bought an eliptical since I spend all my non-working hours at home with her and I can't use it because it makes a noise that annoys her. She critiques EVERYTHING I do. She forgets when she's had a meal, so when she see someone eating, she wants to eat even if she just ate. She'll curse me out if I dare state that you just finished your meal. Sometimes I feel like I am going to use it and I know the few friends (2) that I have and the family that does not come around don't really understand and I know they really don't want to hear me vent about what she did today. I don't know how much more I can take, but I know it would KILL her and me to put her in a home. If she pushes my buttons and I love her dearly, I can only imagine what someone who sees her as a "pain in the butt" in a nursing home would do to her - really. I would not be able to survive that; if I walked into a home and my mom was overly drugged up and had just ONE bed soar, I would LOSE IT. Healthcare providers are USELESS unless you have a GREAT insurance of which my mom does not have (Medicare/Medicaid) are good for supplies and meds but for treatment and day to day care - totally useless. I have to tell my mom's physician what to prescribe, what I think she needs, etc., you would think I'm a healthcare provider. I spend hours researching meds, their complication, their progress and the stages of alzhemiers, and how to care for an alzhemier's patient, etc. sorry for ranting, I'm probably all over the place. Just so much to get out, so little time, no one who REALLY understands. blessings to all and my we all get through this with our minds in tact.

Now that's the truth. The doctor asks my mom those very same questions every 3 months and she hasn't answered them correctly YET!

Now that's the truth. The doctor asks my mom those very same questions every 3 months and she hasn't answered them correctly YET!

RUN to the nearest nursing home with an Alzheimer's unit and talk about placement. Talk with the Medicaid administrator at the facility to see what you have to do to "spend down" so Mom can qualify for nursing home Medicaid. It's the kindest thing you can do for everyone--Mom, yourself, your family.

RUN to the nearest nursing home with an Alzheimer's unit and talk about placement. Talk with the Medicaid administrator at the facility to see what you have to do to "spend down" so Mom can qualify for nursing home Medicaid. It's the kindest thing you can do for everyone--Mom, yourself, your family.

Seriously, TALK TO AN ELDER LAW ATTORNEY Before you spend down!

Medicaid will look at your elder's bank statements for 5 YEARS, and they want to know where every dime went.

If you are in charge of funds....you need to get a lawyers permission on how to spend those funds. Seriously...if your elder wants a bag of candy, or a TV, get permission from the lawyer first. Need a repair on something around the house? Get permission from the lawyer.....

Trust me.

Seriously, TALK TO AN ELDER LAW ATTORNEY Before you spend down!

Medicaid will look at your elder's bank statements for 5 YEARS, and they want to know where every dime went.

If you are in charge of funds....you need to get a lawyers permission on how to spend those funds. Seriously...if your elder wants a bag of candy, or a TV, get permission from the lawyer first. Need a repair on something around the house? Get permission from the lawyer.....

Trust me.

You are correct. An elder attorney would be a great first step, particularly if there are any assets. Some nursing homes will take patients on a Medicaid pending status with the family paying something towards the patient's care. Sounds like this family is at the end of their rope and needs more help with 2 parents with Alzheimer's.

You are correct. An elder attorney would be a great first step, particularly if there are any assets. Some nursing homes will take patients on a Medicaid pending status with the family paying something towards the patient's care. Sounds like this family is at the end of their rope and needs more help with 2 parents with Alzheimer's.

My husband and I just had our first marriage counseling session today. My mom has lived with us for the past 6 months. She is 76 and suffers from arthritis. Due to her pain and discomfort, she refuses to moderately exercise or even do much walking other than from the bed, to the couch, to the bathroom. If I have to take her anywhere, i have to take along a transport chair. Her doctor said that some body movement would be good for her, but she refuses to change her routine. I know she is in pain, but she would benefit in the long run if she could just push herself to take baby steps towards being healthier. I'm fortunate in that she can still take care of her daily needs and her mind is still sharp. However, when i come home from work, i wait on her and provide company for her. Most evenings I am so burnt out from my workday that it's a real chore for me to do all that is expected of me. This has taken a toll on my marriage and my husband is very unhappy. I don't want to see our 34 year marriage destroyed and I'm not ready to turn my back on my mom. I' beginning to suffer emotionally and physically. I have shortness of breath and i've begun loosing my hair. The counselor said i'm a people pleaser. Maybe that has proven to be a negative trait.

My husband and I just had our first marriage counseling session today. My mom has lived with us for the past 6 months. She is 76 and suffers from arthritis. Due to her pain and discomfort, she refuses to moderately exercise or even do much walking other than from the bed, to the couch, to the bathroom. If I have to take her anywhere, i have to take along a transport chair. Her doctor said that some body movement would be good for her, but she refuses to change her routine. I know she is in pain, but she would benefit in the long run if she could just push herself to take baby steps towards being healthier. I'm fortunate in that she can still take care of her daily needs and her mind is still sharp. However, when i come home from work, i wait on her and provide company for her. Most evenings I am so burnt out from my workday that it's a real chore for me to do all that is expected of me. This has taken a toll on my marriage and my husband is very unhappy. I don't want to see our 34 year marriage destroyed and I'm not ready to turn my back on my mom. I' beginning to suffer emotionally and physically. I have shortness of breath and i've begun loosing my hair. The counselor said i'm a people pleaser. Maybe that has proven to be a negative trait.

Dear Stuck in the Middle: You both are to be commended for tending to your difficult mother for 6 months. And you have taken the right steps to attend marriage counseling. This means you both care deeply and want to have something left post mother. So what happens if the marriage fails and you are an emotional/physical wreck still in charge of mother? Will she be better off? Mother is probably not going to change. The things that can change are yourself, your husband and your marriage. I hope for your sake you and hubby can learn how to handle mother and keep your marriage. Just because mother has to go into assisted living, a nursing home, or you hire some help does not mean that you are turning your back. It means that you are going above and beyond to help her.

Dear Stuck in the Middle: You both are to be commended for tending to your difficult mother for 6 months. And you have taken the right steps to attend marriage counseling. This means you both care deeply and want to have something left post mother. So what happens if the marriage fails and you are an emotional/physical wreck still in charge of mother? Will she be better off? Mother is probably not going to change. The things that can change are yourself, your husband and your marriage. I hope for your sake you and hubby can learn how to handle mother and keep your marriage. Just because mother has to go into assisted living, a nursing home, or you hire some help does not mean that you are turning your back. It means that you are going above and beyond to help her.

Your response to my situation is greatly appreciated. She is now realizing that our marriage is suffering due to her living with us. Her solution is that she now wants to move 1500 miles away and live with my brother. He happens to live in an unstable environment which cannot provide the standard of care we are giving her. He says she can go live with him and his family whenever she's ready. It will break my heart to send her away, but she is of sound mind and I can't keep her here against her will. We really want to learn to cope with being in our new roll as caregivers, but I think she's experencing the 'fight or flight' syndrome. She'd rather leave us than try to change her ways. Ths is surely tugging at our hearts.

*Oops! I just realzed that i've been posting on the Alzheimer's forum. Thankfully, mom isn't showing any signs of that. But anyway, it has still been helpful! 

Your response to my situation is greatly appreciated. She is now realizing that our marriage is suffering due to her living with us. Her solution is that she now wants to move 1500 miles away and live with my brother. He happens to live in an unstable environment which cannot provide the standard of care we are giving her. He says she can go live with him and his family whenever she's ready. It will break my heart to send her away, but she is of sound mind and I can't keep her here against her will. We really want to learn to cope with being in our new roll as caregivers, but I think she's experencing the 'fight or flight' syndrome. She'd rather leave us than try to change her ways. Ths is surely tugging at our hearts.

*Oops! I just realzed that i've been posting on the Alzheimer's forum. Thankfully, mom isn't showing any signs of that. But anyway, it has still been helpful! 

Bless you! You say you are "sending her away." No, she is choosing to move in with brother. Yes, she had rather leave than change. This may not be the best decision, but it is a decision and everyone will live with the consequences. You may have to swoop in and pick up the pieces later on. Meanwhile, your brother is shouldering the load. Try to help out your brother financially by offering to hire a sitter, some household help, or pay extra utilities. Let Mom and brother wrestle with this situation for a while. Mom may have been trying to get with brother all along.

Bless you! You say you are "sending her away." No, she is choosing to move in with brother. Yes, she had rather leave than change. This may not be the best decision, but it is a decision and everyone will live with the consequences. You may have to swoop in and pick up the pieces later on. Meanwhile, your brother is shouldering the load. Try to help out your brother financially by offering to hire a sitter, some household help, or pay extra utilities. Let Mom and brother wrestle with this situation for a while. Mom may have been trying to get with brother all along.

Deep down, it looks as if Mom wants to be waited on. As long as you make it clear that you are not able to do this, she will either have to change her behavior or go to where she can be catered to. If you bring her home, you may have a really hard time getting her out again. You and she may be better off if she goes on into assisted living (not your assistance) or a nursing home. She may be at the point where she is really not able to go on. When my late husband needed more care, my grown children said, "Mom, Dad needs to be in assisted living." I laughed and reminded them that he was IN assisted living and I was the assist. I went to the bank, borrowed some money and hired a sitter--saved my life. His was beyond doing anything for except trying to make him comfortable.

Deep down, it looks as if Mom wants to be waited on. As long as you make it clear that you are not able to do this, she will either have to change her behavior or go to where she can be catered to. If you bring her home, you may have a really hard time getting her out again. You and she may be better off if she goes on into assisted living (not your assistance) or a nursing home. She may be at the point where she is really not able to go on. When my late husband needed more care, my grown children said, "Mom, Dad needs to be in assisted living." I laughed and reminded them that he was IN assisted living and I was the assist. I went to the bank, borrowed some money and hired a sitter--saved my life. His was beyond doing anything for except trying to make him comfortable.

Dear Lady. I know how you feel feel but the best thing to do is let them do what they feel they want to the lord is in there mind and they have giving up so let it happen. You try your best but let them do what they want because they know they have lived there life and can't do sny more !

Dear Lady. I know how you feel feel but the best thing to do is let them do what they feel they want to the lord is in there mind and they have giving up so let it happen. You try your best but let them do what they want because they know they have lived there life and can't do sny more !

"...when the current arrangement is not working...", is the most helpful thing someone posted. After 10 years of looking out for my Mom, I have learned something we should have known already but that, with an elderly person has special poignance--NOTHING stays the same. And as you age, things do not improve--neither for your & your ability to cope or for your elderly charge. Mother moved from independant living with an personal care aide 5Xs a week at 96 years old, to an assisted living arrangement off my house at 99 years old, to 2 trips to the ER for "falling" with re-hab starting with her 100th BD. She is nearing the end of her Medicare 100 days now & this time she will not be coming home but moving to an assisted living facility that has a personal care option where there is 24/7 supervision. I think that if the caregiver plans for some sort of progression for the onset, it is better for both of the parties involved.

"...when the current arrangement is not working...", is the most helpful thing someone posted. After 10 years of looking out for my Mom, I have learned something we should have known already but that, with an elderly person has special poignance--NOTHING stays the same. And as you age, things do not improve--neither for your & your ability to cope or for your elderly charge. Mother moved from independant living with an personal care aide 5Xs a week at 96 years old, to an assisted living arrangement off my house at 99 years old, to 2 trips to the ER for "falling" with re-hab starting with her 100th BD. She is nearing the end of her Medicare 100 days now & this time she will not be coming home but moving to an assisted living facility that has a personal care option where there is 24/7 supervision. I think that if the caregiver plans for some sort of progression for the onset, it is better for both of the parties involved.

Thank you for the welcome.

I have pretty much reached the end of my rope. I have been taking care of mom now for just over 5 years.....My brother lives approximately 100 miles away and he has taken her for 1 - 2 weeks at a time,now and then but only at my request...he has never volunteered to take her..1st it was because his wife at the time had cancer and he was busy with her and I totally understood...Now his reasoning is he feels that his house is not as safe for her. Too many falls could happen. I just don't know where to go next, except to put her in a home, which I don't really want to do, but I am so stressed out about the whole situation I feel my health is suffering and will continue to do so as time goes on. I am going to have to make a decision I really don't want ot make, but feel I have no choice.

Thank you for bearing with me. greyfoxx

Thank you for the welcome.

I have pretty much reached the end of my rope. I have been taking care of mom now for just over 5 years.....My brother lives approximately 100 miles away and he has taken her for 1 - 2 weeks at a time,now and then but only at my request...he has never volunteered to take her..1st it was because his wife at the time had cancer and he was busy with her and I totally understood...Now his reasoning is he feels that his house is not as safe for her. Too many falls could happen. I just don't know where to go next, except to put her in a home, which I don't really want to do, but I am so stressed out about the whole situation I feel my health is suffering and will continue to do so as time goes on. I am going to have to make a decision I really don't want ot make, but feel I have no choice.

Thank you for bearing with me. greyfoxx

Dear Greyfoxx, If you give out, what happens to Mother? I work with Hospice and am in and out of nursing homes/assisted living/private homes (mansions and hovels) realize that most people want to be in their own house, own bed, and be waited on. There comes a point when caregivers are no longer able to provide this 24/7. Another living arrangement only makes sense for everyone concerned. You and brother sit down and work out a plan, then you and brother(and other siblings) sit down with Mother and discuss options physically and financially. Listen, offer love, but if you have to help Mother adjust to another arrangement, then that's what must be done. The key words you used are "reached the end of my rope" and "five years." You need some HELP so there is something of you left over.

Dear Greyfoxx, If you give out, what happens to Mother? I work with Hospice and am in and out of nursing homes/assisted living/private homes (mansions and hovels) realize that most people want to be in their own house, own bed, and be waited on. There comes a point when caregivers are no longer able to provide this 24/7. Another living arrangement only makes sense for everyone concerned. You and brother sit down and work out a plan, then you and brother(and other siblings) sit down with Mother and discuss options physically and financially. Listen, offer love, but if you have to help Mother adjust to another arrangement, then that's what must be done. The key words you used are "reached the end of my rope" and "five years." You need some HELP so there is something of you left over.