I have a similar story of a mother-in-law with dementia that no one will acknowledge. I wish I had better advice, but I, too, feel alone in investigating and trying to figure out where we are in this. Is your MIL living with you? Is her safety at sake?

I have a similar story of a mother-in-law with dementia that no one will acknowledge. I wish I had better advice, but I, too, feel alone in investigating and trying to figure out where we are in this. Is your MIL living with you? Is her safety at sake?

my dad was told about a year ago that he had dementia after having lung cancer and in that short of time he is extremely cofused and now has a hard time comunicating

my dad was told about a year ago that he had dementia after having lung cancer and in that short of time he is extremely cofused and now has a hard time comunicating

start with list of what is needed: household help, care for herself, someone to keep her on track, medical visits, what?

then talk to your husband about these practical matters and get his suggestions for solutions. Then make a plan.

there's lots of good books out there on alzheimer's, which will tell you the basics. go on line at amazon, you can read inside many of them free. get a bunch of leaflets from the alzheimer's association (also on-line)

join a support group in your area -- essential. go to local workshops or meetings to learn caregiving.

OR, move away if you don't want to do all this. it seems both your husband AND his Mom don't want to talk about it. did you designate yourself the caregiver? if it's what your husband expects, then he has to talk. otherwise, you don't have to do anything.

you'd probably find Al-anon really helpful since it's all about dysfunctional families. probably your local hospital will have leaflets from the alzheimer's association.

once you take the first step to get more informed, you'll feel less helpless. but, you know, it is NOT your Mom, also.

start with list of what is needed: household help, care for herself, someone to keep her on track, medical visits, what?

then talk to your husband about these practical matters and get his suggestions for solutions. Then make a plan.

there's lots of good books out there on alzheimer's, which will tell you the basics. go on line at amazon, you can read inside many of them free. get a bunch of leaflets from the alzheimer's association (also on-line)

join a support group in your area -- essential. go to local workshops or meetings to learn caregiving.

OR, move away if you don't want to do all this. it seems both your husband AND his Mom don't want to talk about it. did you designate yourself the caregiver? if it's what your husband expects, then he has to talk. otherwise, you don't have to do anything.

you'd probably find Al-anon really helpful since it's all about dysfunctional families. probably your local hospital will have leaflets from the alzheimer's association.

once you take the first step to get more informed, you'll feel less helpless. but, you know, it is NOT your Mom, also.

I hear what you are saying my friend. In my household the word is never brought up. It seems that the feelings remain tender and easily hurt. I simply play the game and make necessary decisions, do what needs to be done and reminded myself continually,"that he is doing the best he can do".... and so am I!

I hear what you are saying my friend. In my household the word is never brought up. It seems that the feelings remain tender and easily hurt. I simply play the game and make necessary decisions, do what needs to be done and reminded myself continually,"that he is doing the best he can do".... and so am I!

Whether you have become the designated care giver by self-appointment or default you should consider getting legal paperwork to ensure you can care for MIL when the time comes that she really can't care for herself. Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care, Power of Attorney for Financial, and perhaps even a Living Will for MIL among other paperwork. All the best to you - it's a hard road for everyone.

Whether you have become the designated care giver by self-appointment or default you should consider getting legal paperwork to ensure you can care for MIL when the time comes that she really can't care for herself. Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care, Power of Attorney for Financial, and perhaps even a Living Will for MIL among other paperwork. All the best to you - it's a hard road for everyone.

Hello, its me again. As a homecare provider I have had access to training classes that have been of tremendous help to me. If possible contact your local Dept. of Human Resources or Council on Aging to find what resources are available to you. There are many types of dementia including Alzheimers. Most get progressively worse as time goes by so you will need to have professional advice from time to time not only for the person you are caring for but for your own understanding of what you are contending with. It is important that you care for yourself and husband too. Much is at stake.

Hello, its me again. As a homecare provider I have had access to training classes that have been of tremendous help to me. If possible contact your local Dept. of Human Resources or Council on Aging to find what resources are available to you. There are many types of dementia including Alzheimers. Most get progressively worse as time goes by so you will need to have professional advice from time to time not only for the person you are caring for but for your own understanding of what you are contending with. It is important that you care for yourself and husband too. Much is at stake.

Maybe the son has fears about Alzheimer's and maybe some of those could be modified with the kind of information and support you'd find at an Alzheimer's/caregiver support group. He may be unaware of how important an activity-focused care plan is, how long a relationship with the patient will be possible as long as it can be updated and redefined with the progression, and how much difference it can make if/when he and his mom take steps that could be considered pro-active in the sense that key issues can be better discussed early-on when she's more able to manage decisions and complex bands of information. I realize this topic was started some time ago and I guess I'm hoping that my suggestions might be at least partially-helpful. I wish the best to you in a tough situation.

Maybe the son has fears about Alzheimer's and maybe some of those could be modified with the kind of information and support you'd find at an Alzheimer's/caregiver support group. He may be unaware of how important an activity-focused care plan is, how long a relationship with the patient will be possible as long as it can be updated and redefined with the progression, and how much difference it can make if/when he and his mom take steps that could be considered pro-active in the sense that key issues can be better discussed early-on when she's more able to manage decisions and complex bands of information. I realize this topic was started some time ago and I guess I'm hoping that my suggestions might be at least partially-helpful. I wish the best to you in a tough situation.

This suggestion of walking away when a new responsibilty comes on, or asking if one appointed oneself as a caregiver, is for the birds. If a person has lived a very healthy and productive life it is difficult to accept weakening, which comes on with age, sometimes suddenly. So if you happen to be the emotionally stronger and less disturbed than others, you take on the responsility until the anxiety calms down and the rest of the bunch begin to prticipate. "When the going gets tough, the tough get going". Yes, I know it is a cliche and most of the time difficult to put into practice. But try anyhow. When the dust settles, the reward will be unbeatable.

This suggestion of walking away when a new responsibilty comes on, or asking if one appointed oneself as a caregiver, is for the birds. If a person has lived a very healthy and productive life it is difficult to accept weakening, which comes on with age, sometimes suddenly. So if you happen to be the emotionally stronger and less disturbed than others, you take on the responsility until the anxiety calms down and the rest of the bunch begin to prticipate. "When the going gets tough, the tough get going". Yes, I know it is a cliche and most of the time difficult to put into practice. But try anyhow. When the dust settles, the reward will be unbeatable.

My experience is that once you take on the responsibility, the "rest of the bunch" will regard it as your job. I would think long and hard about this. It can last many years and become very burdensome. Your first step may be to go to your ML's doctor and request a "mini mental status evaluation." This can be done by any MD. It may be an eye-opener to your husband. I was afraid of my mother's possible anger when I made the request, so I passed a note to the receptionist when we checked in. It's also very importatant that you get durable power of attorney papers signed as soon as possible. They may not be considered valid after your ML is diagnosed, and then you would have to seek a legal guardianship in the courts, which is more costly and time-consuming. If there are other siblings, call a meeting with them and your ML to discuss how you will provide for your ML's care.

My experience is that once you take on the responsibility, the "rest of the bunch" will regard it as your job. I would think long and hard about this. It can last many years and become very burdensome. Your first step may be to go to your ML's doctor and request a "mini mental status evaluation." This can be done by any MD. It may be an eye-opener to your husband. I was afraid of my mother's possible anger when I made the request, so I passed a note to the receptionist when we checked in. It's also very importatant that you get durable power of attorney papers signed as soon as possible. They may not be considered valid after your ML is diagnosed, and then you would have to seek a legal guardianship in the courts, which is more costly and time-consuming. If there are other siblings, call a meeting with them and your ML to discuss how you will provide for your ML's care.

What I can add to the wisdom of other posters here is that dementia is a process - the speed of decline varies, but the decline will happen. One way to get help is to meet with a geriatric social worker or elder care consultant and get advice about where your MIL is in the process and what to expect. I had two parents with dementia living cross country for several years until my dad died and I moved my mom to my city. The most frustrating thing in the beginning was a lack of plan and clear expectations, coupled with a sense of being very overwhelmed. Working even briefly with a SW helped me immensely. You cannot map every step accurately, but geriatric SWs can help you take the right steps now and anticipate future ones. Most of us don't do our own taxes, and caring for elders with dementia or other long-term illnesses is a very complex journey. Accept a little help early and avoid costly mistakes. I wish you strength and calm. Be sure to take good care of yourself. It is a tough journey but it is also extremely worthwhile.

What I can add to the wisdom of other posters here is that dementia is a process - the speed of decline varies, but the decline will happen. One way to get help is to meet with a geriatric social worker or elder care consultant and get advice about where your MIL is in the process and what to expect. I had two parents with dementia living cross country for several years until my dad died and I moved my mom to my city. The most frustrating thing in the beginning was a lack of plan and clear expectations, coupled with a sense of being very overwhelmed. Working even briefly with a SW helped me immensely. You cannot map every step accurately, but geriatric SWs can help you take the right steps now and anticipate future ones. Most of us don't do our own taxes, and caring for elders with dementia or other long-term illnesses is a very complex journey. Accept a little help early and avoid costly mistakes. I wish you strength and calm. Be sure to take good care of yourself. It is a tough journey but it is also extremely worthwhile.

Sad to see care giving to have become so complicated and legalistic. Wonder if one needs to worry about all these legal aspects when a new baby is born, to be able to care for it. ML just happens to be a baby at the other end of the age scale. Use the KISS concept - Keep It Simple and Short. We all have a choice of "Doing what we like or Liking what we do". The second option makes life's twists and turns easy to cope with. Yes?

Hope you can find a solution you can accept and live a joyful life.

Sad to see care giving to have become so complicated and legalistic. Wonder if one needs to worry about all these legal aspects when a new baby is born, to be able to care for it. ML just happens to be a baby at the other end of the age scale. Use the KISS concept - Keep It Simple and Short. We all have a choice of "Doing what we like or Liking what we do". The second option makes life's twists and turns easy to cope with. Yes?

Hope you can find a solution you can accept and live a joyful life.

The comparison to caring for a new baby is not a good one. A baby is given a birth certificate which gives a parent the right to make decisions for this baby. A person with dementia usually has other family members who may have just as much right to make decisions as the caregiver. Also, we know about how many years before the baby is able to care for himself. We don't know how long we are going to have to provide care for the person with dementia. I would not take on this responsibility without a clear understanding from other family members. I speak from experience. I have had the sole care of my mother for three years. As my mother has progressed into the more severe stages of dementia, their involvement has become even less. I have to pay a caregiver so that I can receive a few days off each week. I seldom even hear from siblings and their financial contributions have been nominal. I think I could have avoided this situation if I had had a clear understanding with them from the beginning. As it stands now, they seem to regard this as my problem. One brother actually told me that I had taken this burden upon myself and therefore he had no obligation to help me with it.

The comparison to caring for a new baby is not a good one. A baby is given a birth certificate which gives a parent the right to make decisions for this baby. A person with dementia usually has other family members who may have just as much right to make decisions as the caregiver. Also, we know about how many years before the baby is able to care for himself. We don't know how long we are going to have to provide care for the person with dementia. I would not take on this responsibility without a clear understanding from other family members. I speak from experience. I have had the sole care of my mother for three years. As my mother has progressed into the more severe stages of dementia, their involvement has become even less. I have to pay a caregiver so that I can receive a few days off each week. I seldom even hear from siblings and their financial contributions have been nominal. I think I could have avoided this situation if I had had a clear understanding with them from the beginning. As it stands now, they seem to regard this as my problem. One brother actually told me that I had taken this burden upon myself and therefore he had no obligation to help me with it.

I am really upset with my husband, he has dementia a fast acting one. When he is at home he is a total different person. He keeps making fart noises, obsene remarks, whistles, ask questions over and over, won't let me out of his sight, Screams, shouts, won't sleep at night nor lets me sleep. Won't bath, messes his pants, yada yada. Only thing he says is whats for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have been taking care of him a year now since he has gotten to this point. I put him in a care center when he was walking off and exposing himselffor a month and 8 days. His kids and sister turned me into the Adult Protective Services because he seems ok to them when they visit him once and a while ever so often. I brought him back home althouth the APS said he really needed to be in a care center, for him and me. When I take him to his sisters, kids come, he acts like he is just as normal as can be. Just sits there basicaly quiet and they talk, he joins in very little, but says stuff that he does remember, so they think he is ok..... I am so outraged at him (at which I have no right to be, he is sick). He even eats things for his sister, that I just got through telling her that he won't eat.... They look at me like I am making this all up. It occurs to me that there are no one to witness what goes on here. None of the kids will stay with him to even find out, so I am on my own. I am at the point to where I think it is a good idea for me to go into the care center and my husband stay home.

I am really upset with my husband, he has dementia a fast acting one. When he is at home he is a total different person. He keeps making fart noises, obsene remarks, whistles, ask questions over and over, won't let me out of his sight, Screams, shouts, won't sleep at night nor lets me sleep. Won't bath, messes his pants, yada yada. Only thing he says is whats for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have been taking care of him a year now since he has gotten to this point. I put him in a care center when he was walking off and exposing himselffor a month and 8 days. His kids and sister turned me into the Adult Protective Services because he seems ok to them when they visit him once and a while ever so often. I brought him back home althouth the APS said he really needed to be in a care center, for him and me. When I take him to his sisters, kids come, he acts like he is just as normal as can be. Just sits there basicaly quiet and they talk, he joins in very little, but says stuff that he does remember, so they think he is ok..... I am so outraged at him (at which I have no right to be, he is sick). He even eats things for his sister, that I just got through telling her that he won't eat.... They look at me like I am making this all up. It occurs to me that there are no one to witness what goes on here. None of the kids will stay with him to even find out, so I am on my own. I am at the point to where I think it is a good idea for me to go into the care center and my husband stay home.

As a Healthcare Worker much is needed by means of having someone in the home with Dementia/Alzeihmers. Try and help them the best way you know how. You have to sometimes' treat them as though they themselves have gone into a very very young age. Someone with this disease has long term memory but not short. What you said yesterday means nothing today unless you want to keep re-iterating yourself which is turn stress' you out. Speak with him about his earlier years, this he will very much enjoy. You didn't mention whether he lived with you and your family. I would also have him taken to a Geriologist (Eldercare Physician) who will help him with meds' to help him remember. They will do a test on him to see just how far he can go with it. If you find him to be somewhat arguementive, pls. pls. whatever you do, go along with him just so long as he is not endangering himself. You will find as well as the sun is going down, this is referred to "Sundowning". They become more irritable and or quiet, more than likely the first. As I said go along with him. I have had my FIL with me for the past 5yrs. due to a Brain Bleed which led him to dementia/alzheimers'. They can be very repetitive so learn to turn a deaf ear. I'm not sure of where you live however, if you take him to his family Physician and tell him/her that help is needed they will get in touch with an Access Centre who will send someone out to care for him a couple of hrs. per wk. just so you have your space. Believe me, you will need it.Whether it be going and lying down with a book or just getting out of the house. Honestly, you will feel so much better. I mentioned "Sundowning". During this period you FIL will be up and down, possibly talking to no one but himself. Pls. watch for falls. If you or your husband have access to his financials pls. do not feel that you are spending his money on yourself. There are many items that he may need. For bathing you should have a bath-chair, a rubber mat for tub. Have his clothing ready and assist him when needed. Ask if you can perhaps help, dont' just jump in. They do like to keep their independence. If in your area there is a Community Assisted Care Program perhaps take him there, its only for I believe abt. 5hrs. per day or every other day. This way he gets to interact with others' who are the same. Yes it will cost a small fee but it is worth it. They give them lunch and shortly thereafter you pick them up. Like I said, you get to choose which days. I dont' know how far along he is but I would have Depends on hand just in case he misses bathrm. time. Something that needs addressing slowly. Adults dont' like to wear these things. If he is on meds' make sure you give them to him so as not to get mixed up. There is so much to learn about this disease that I could go on and on however I hope I have touched base with you. I'm not sure how the Admin. of this site is but if you feel that you need someone to talk to pls. dont' hesitate to txt. me via email. If I can help I will. I have dealt with so many of these people and yes its sad but in the same token at least he isn't in a home where he knows nobody. This is a hard position to take. Again you may txt. me and I hope I can coach you.... You are going to have your flare ups, its normal so pls. dont' feel as though your off the mark. I'm not saying with him but with family, only because you are doing the care and it can be so time consuming, it can break you. Again, pls. feel free to contact me. Take care, I am sending you Huge Hugs and a Prayer to help you through this. I will be thinking of you so hopefully I will hear from you. Take care, Marly :)

As a Healthcare Worker much is needed by means of having someone in the home with Dementia/Alzeihmers. Try and help them the best way you know how. You have to sometimes' treat them as though they themselves have gone into a very very young age. Someone with this disease has long term memory but not short. What you said yesterday means nothing today unless you want to keep re-iterating yourself which is turn stress' you out. Speak with him about his earlier years, this he will very much enjoy. You didn't mention whether he lived with you and your family. I would also have him taken to a Geriologist (Eldercare Physician) who will help him with meds' to help him remember. They will do a test on him to see just how far he can go with it. If you find him to be somewhat arguementive, pls. pls. whatever you do, go along with him just so long as he is not endangering himself. You will find as well as the sun is going down, this is referred to "Sundowning". They become more irritable and or quiet, more than likely the first. As I said go along with him. I have had my FIL with me for the past 5yrs. due to a Brain Bleed which led him to dementia/alzheimers'. They can be very repetitive so learn to turn a deaf ear. I'm not sure of where you live however, if you take him to his family Physician and tell him/her that help is needed they will get in touch with an Access Centre who will send someone out to care for him a couple of hrs. per wk. just so you have your space. Believe me, you will need it.Whether it be going and lying down with a book or just getting out of the house. Honestly, you will feel so much better. I mentioned "Sundowning". During this period you FIL will be up and down, possibly talking to no one but himself. Pls. watch for falls. If you or your husband have access to his financials pls. do not feel that you are spending his money on yourself. There are many items that he may need. For bathing you should have a bath-chair, a rubber mat for tub. Have his clothing ready and assist him when needed. Ask if you can perhaps help, dont' just jump in. They do like to keep their independence. If in your area there is a Community Assisted Care Program perhaps take him there, its only for I believe abt. 5hrs. per day or every other day. This way he gets to interact with others' who are the same. Yes it will cost a small fee but it is worth it. They give them lunch and shortly thereafter you pick them up. Like I said, you get to choose which days. I dont' know how far along he is but I would have Depends on hand just in case he misses bathrm. time. Something that needs addressing slowly. Adults dont' like to wear these things. If he is on meds' make sure you give them to him so as not to get mixed up. There is so much to learn about this disease that I could go on and on however I hope I have touched base with you. I'm not sure how the Admin. of this site is but if you feel that you need someone to talk to pls. dont' hesitate to txt. me via email. If I can help I will. I have dealt with so many of these people and yes its sad but in the same token at least he isn't in a home where he knows nobody. This is a hard position to take. Again you may txt. me and I hope I can coach you.... You are going to have your flare ups, its normal so pls. dont' feel as though your off the mark. I'm not saying with him but with family, only because you are doing the care and it can be so time consuming, it can break you. Again, pls. feel free to contact me. Take care, I am sending you Huge Hugs and a Prayer to help you through this. I will be thinking of you so hopefully I will hear from you. Take care, Marly :)

Dear exosted,

Could you have your kids and/or sister care for your husband at least three days? You could take a trip during this time. This would give them the opportunity to see what you have been going through. It's unlikely that your husband would be able to stay on his best behavior that long.

Dear exosted,

Could you have your kids and/or sister care for your husband at least three days? You could take a trip during this time. This would give them the opportunity to see what you have been going through. It's unlikely that your husband would be able to stay on his best behavior that long.

We raise our children with values we want them to have. Once grown up we cannot complain about their values. But of course we must protect ourselves if their values are harmful to us. If posssible try to understand whare you missed in prviding the good values and teach your children to raise their children diferently for their good and that of the society at large

We raise our children with values we want them to have. Once grown up we cannot complain about their values. But of course we must protect ourselves if their values are harmful to us. If posssible try to understand whare you missed in prviding the good values and teach your children to raise their children diferently for their good and that of the society at large

Yes, your are most certainly right. When you marry into a family and a spouses grown children have values that money is more important than their fathers well being, it is pretty sad. I know I need to do what is best for my husband and for my health also.

Yes, your are most certainly right. When you marry into a family and a spouses grown children have values that money is more important than their fathers well being, it is pretty sad. I know I need to do what is best for my husband and for my health also.

I think sometimes it's really not a matter of values, but of unwillingness to face reality. The children are seeing their father when he's making an effort to behave well. It's hard for them to realize that what their stepmother is telling them is not a figment of her imagination. People need to have the care of a person with dementia for at least three days to fully understand what the caregiver is going through.

I think sometimes it's really not a matter of values, but of unwillingness to face reality. The children are seeing their father when he's making an effort to behave well. It's hard for them to realize that what their stepmother is telling them is not a figment of her imagination. People need to have the care of a person with dementia for at least three days to fully understand what the caregiver is going through.