Getting Dad to move to independent living
It is my wife's dad. He lost his wife a year ago. He is 87 and due to a stroke 19 years ago cannot speak, therefore, with no ability to make or receive phone calls, he cannot live alone.
His son lives a full long day's travel from his home, and we live two long days travel from his home. There are no facilities within two hours from son, but we've an excellent indy living place less than ten minutes from here.
He could afford to live like a king . . . money is no issue at all. He has lived the past year half at son's and now with us. We are both SS age and have a small house.
He absolutely refuses to consider the apartment we have reserved for him, at the place nearby. What he wants is to live at home, alone, completely out of reach of anyone.
What to do?
Getting Dad to move to independent living
It is my wife's dad. He lost his wife a year ago. He is 87 and due to a stroke 19 years ago cannot speak, therefore, with no ability to make or receive phone calls, he cannot live alone.
His son lives a full long day's travel from his home, and we live two long days travel from his home. There are no facilities within two hours from son, but we've an excellent indy living place less than ten minutes from here.
He could afford to live like a king . . . money is no issue at all. He has lived the past year half at son's and now with us. We are both SS age and have a small house.
He absolutely refuses to consider the apartment we have reserved for him, at the place nearby. What he wants is to live at home, alone, completely out of reach of anyone.
What to do?
This may be a sweeping generalization, but it feels like dads sometimes take on a superhero complex. I remember when my dad was alive, he'd think he could do so many things we knew were not a possibility. My mom and I were just reminiscing today about he was on a quest to buy and ride a bike when he could barely walk and was mostly blind. Great idea, Dad. Sounds feasible. insert sarcasm here
It sounds like your father-in-law is wearing his own superhero cape. I have a question, though. Does he have a support system at home? Friends? Neighbors? Access to healthcare? I wonder if what's bothering hime more less what he'd be moving too and more what he'd be leaving behind. I'm playing devil's adovcate here, but I wonder if there is any way he could remain at home with a health alert system, for example. Or perhaps a service that checks in on him (physically) a few times a week.
This may be a sweeping generalization, but it feels like dads sometimes take on a superhero complex. I remember when my dad was alive, he'd think he could do so many things we knew were not a possibility. My mom and I were just reminiscing today about he was on a quest to buy and ride a bike when he could barely walk and was mostly blind. Great idea, Dad. Sounds feasible. insert sarcasm here
It sounds like your father-in-law is wearing his own superhero cape. I have a question, though. Does he have a support system at home? Friends? Neighbors? Access to healthcare? I wonder if what's bothering hime more less what he'd be moving too and more what he'd be leaving behind. I'm playing devil's adovcate here, but I wonder if there is any way he could remain at home with a health alert system, for example. Or perhaps a service that checks in on him (physically) a few times a week.
For the last 25 years of their life together, this man, my father-in-law, lived together with his wife, and the two of them were mutually supportive, but developed no relationships with anyone outside.
Waitresses and restaurant-owners got used as support-substitutes, because they went out to eat dinner every single day. No cooking ever at home, just snacking. No relationships ever got developed with neighbors. Periodic contacts with the lawyer, accountant, and bank branch managers, were all they ever did. All family dead save for siblings, and those long two-day drives away, or tough full-day multileg air-travel trips away.
He has congestive heart disease, cannot speak, is unable to make or receive a phone call, is quite frail, uses a cane to walk, takes forever to get dressed, moves at a snail's pace, has a 52 mm aortic aneurism, type 2 diabetes, wears Depends 24/7. He is suspicious of everyone, and would not accept any kind of live-in help, even if she were Mother Theresa.
But he knows in his heart that he must live there, alone, apart from the only living family that is left. This, because he seems fixated on honoring the dead, rather than the living. His primary residence is a place once owned by his father. His winter home was once owned by his oldest brother, who was 22 years older and a father-figure. His wallet is stuffed with mass cards from all the family funerals.
He can still drive, and has a valid license because he gamed the system, finding out that the state in which he owns that winter home will issue him a license good for five years, no test required, mail OK for renewal. He had failed two driving tests in his primary state, and that state has a three-and-out policy. He should not drive at all, but drive he will.
A big concern is that he puts his considerable financial assets at risk by driving. One missed turn, one wide sweep, and someone's loved one gets hospitalized for life, while the tort lawyers lick their chops and sue for many millions beyond insurance limits.
The strategy might be best that focuses on how he must turn around and look at life, instead of death, and have concern for his few remaining family members, who would be sick with concern with him living so far away, and with no support. The total danger of it is positively frightening for my wife.
For the last 25 years of their life together, this man, my father-in-law, lived together with his wife, and the two of them were mutually supportive, but developed no relationships with anyone outside.
Waitresses and restaurant-owners got used as support-substitutes, because they went out to eat dinner every single day. No cooking ever at home, just snacking. No relationships ever got developed with neighbors. Periodic contacts with the lawyer, accountant, and bank branch managers, were all they ever did. All family dead save for siblings, and those long two-day drives away, or tough full-day multileg air-travel trips away.
He has congestive heart disease, cannot speak, is unable to make or receive a phone call, is quite frail, uses a cane to walk, takes forever to get dressed, moves at a snail's pace, has a 52 mm aortic aneurism, type 2 diabetes, wears Depends 24/7. He is suspicious of everyone, and would not accept any kind of live-in help, even if she were Mother Theresa.
But he knows in his heart that he must live there, alone, apart from the only living family that is left. This, because he seems fixated on honoring the dead, rather than the living. His primary residence is a place once owned by his father. His winter home was once owned by his oldest brother, who was 22 years older and a father-figure. His wallet is stuffed with mass cards from all the family funerals.
He can still drive, and has a valid license because he gamed the system, finding out that the state in which he owns that winter home will issue him a license good for five years, no test required, mail OK for renewal. He had failed two driving tests in his primary state, and that state has a three-and-out policy. He should not drive at all, but drive he will.
A big concern is that he puts his considerable financial assets at risk by driving. One missed turn, one wide sweep, and someone's loved one gets hospitalized for life, while the tort lawyers lick their chops and sue for many millions beyond insurance limits.
The strategy might be best that focuses on how he must turn around and look at life, instead of death, and have concern for his few remaining family members, who would be sick with concern with him living so far away, and with no support. The total danger of it is positively frightening for my wife.