What would you want, or not want, as your life comes to an end.
I want to prepare an Advance Directive to help my children make decisions about my end-of-life care.
I'm having trouble answering my own questions about what I want, or don't want.
My main concern is to make my death as easy for my adult children as possible.
I have a will, a grave site and what to do with my body all written out for them.
If you have details of what you would or would not want, and would be kind enough to share them here on this forum, it may help me, and others, set out their own ideas.
Thank you so much.
Judithr
Hi Judithr,
Thank you very much for starting this discussion. If you would like some more information on Advance Health Care Directives, check out this article http://www.caring.com/articles/living-wills.
I hope that helps!
Take care, Emily | Community Manager Caring.com
Hi, Judithr
I am caring for my 89 year old parents, and as they encounter medical problems, I make a mental note of what I would want or not want for myself if I reach that age. I do not want to "outlive" myself and be a burden to my husband or son. I see my parents struggling with everyday tasks such as eating and dressing, and I wonder about what the quality of life means.
You are wise and should find peace that you have planned so your children can remember your life and not have to focus on the details of funeral plans, etc.
Please be sure to discuss with your children the fact you have an advance health care directive, where your funeral, life insurance, and other papers are.
You might also want to consider power of attorney and/or a rep payee account with social security. I have have done this with my parents, and it relieves them of paying for their supplemental medical expenses, and it allows me to make decisions on their behalf. You can revoke these documents any time you want, by the way.
Good luck; I wish I had had someone to help me with all this rather than find it out after the fact.
I see that you have a grave site, will etc. What about pre-arranging your funeral. What type of service you want, church, memorial service, cremation. Select your casket, flowers, music. Fund your pre-arrangement if possible so the children don't under or over spend. This is probably one of the best things you can do for the kids, relieves them of many costly decisions they would have to make under one of their most stressful times of their life
All of the above is just the beginning. Being in home health care for many years and seeing people having to spend their very last dollar to buy another day of life is not for me. We've worked hard and don't have a lot but what we do have should belong to our children. Not the government, not the court system, but my children. This may take a little legal action on your part, but it will be well worth it.
I agree with you. Unfortunately, in order to prevent the government, or court system from getting what little you say you have, you need trusts, wills, etc. These cost a fortune.
By the time I paid an elder care lawyer to set up an irrevocable trust, and tried to prepay funeral expenses, etc., I wouldn't have any money left to pass on to the kids, anyhow!
If you have had the same experience, please respond to my email, or post a reply.
The "Five Wishes: Advance Directive helps you to understand medical options in different circumstances and urges you to express your wishes regarding how you want how comfortable you want to be if seriously ill, how you want people to treat you and what you want your loved ones to know. Perhaps a "thumb rule" for making decisions about what you want and don't want is to think about what "quality of life" means to you. Is interaction with others a kind of "bottom line" component? How much pain and suffering do you want to endure, even if it is clear that aggressive medical treatment won't extend your qualitative life? How ready are you to acknowledge that your death is inevitable and that there comes a time for you (and for each of us) when letting go, or letting nature take it course or surrendering to God is the right choice. Struggle to answer these questions. Complete an AD, talk about it with yur Health Care Proxy and family members. You will be giving them a gift by removing from them the burden of making excruciatingly difficult decisions on your behalf. Herman J.
You stated your main concern was "to make your death as easy for my adult children as possible". From my experience in watching my mother's and father's death, it isn't always easy. Perhaps the suffering is part of the transition or "rebirth" (it felt like my mother was going through a struggle, very similar to birth)and has its place in the total picture or journey.
I would advise you to speak about your concerns with your children, a rabbi / priest or trusted spiritual friend, and a personal counselor. Your questions involve the meaning of life, as well as the value of the process of death. You have to come to your own answers. There are powers and circumstances that often mitigate controlling death or "making it easy". Yes, morphine speeds up death, decreases your respiratory rate and clouds your brain; (I've found that hospice companies often encourage drugs for "comfort",) but I'm not sure that it is ethical to rush death.
Honestly, I don't know any neat and clean ways to control death or to make it easier for others who are with you. I do think that by writing about it, seeing counselors, talking to those who have watched death, you may start discovering your own answers as to what you want, and what you can do to prepare for the inevitable passing that will come to us all, prepared or not.
