Help - how to make him comfortable?
My father-in-law is slipping away with the last stages of Congestive Heart Failure. He also has severe dementia. He will not take any food now, can't swallow it. He is never fully awake. He is at our home on Hopspice.
The worst thing is that he is having repeated, vivid dreams about re-living a near-drowning accident he had as a boy. He screams to his cousin to save him, he cries, he says he is going under. I think because of this he now will not allow us to give him any fluids, either. Every time he is semi-awake I try to give him a few drops of water, but he becomes terrified about the drowning. The only way to calm him is to medicate him, but then of course there is no chance that he will wake up and drink.
We just want him to be comfortable and not afraid during these last days. I don't know what we can do.
How very difficult and sad these things are, my heart goes out to you and your FIL and family. I can only tell you what I did with my father, I made sure hospice gave him the morphine on a timely manner. I hated the thought of the last moments of his life to be fear. I don't know if this was th best option, all I know is that it was the best I could do. I don't regret it.
Thanks for the reply - we do have the morphine but had been using it only as a last resort to calm him. At this point he is neither eating nor drinking. So, we should probably just focus on making sure he is not fearful in the first place, rather than waiting until he is terrified and then trying to calm him. It is so hard to know what to do when you can't communicate, and so hard to watch.
by all means, get advice from the Hospice nurse in exactly how to use the morphine to let him rest in a non-fearful state as much as possible.
however, also know that it is the appropriate work of dying for people to finally work through the undealt-with issues of life, such as traumas they've never resolved. (which reminds all of us that nothing can simply be ignored or denied. it will return in the dying time.)
he is actually working through this now. it's not a negative experience. just support him with tenderness and reassurance. instead of trying to deny it, which is probably what he did alas, support his actual feelings. as in "yes, i know, that's terrible!" "how awful!" "Your poor brother," because what he needs is what you can all be -- a witness to his genuine suffering and trauma long ago.
he's not afraid now. he's finally living the trauma and experiencing it. just be loving parents to him snd enfold him in comfort.
breathe calmly and be his ideal loving parents and he'll have the comfort he never had before in his life. many blessings to you all.
We lost Mama to Alzeheimers last month , I agree with Frazzled . The medication will help you and your FIL to get some peace and rest . At this point , feeding and water do not help . He is obviously shutting down and only needs to know that you and his family love him. May God bless all of you at this very difficult time.
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. We did provide Pai with the medication, love and comfort as much as we could. He passed last night with both his children and me with him. We are all relieved for him that he no longer has to struggle for each breath.
