Uncooperative Sibling
Here's an update on my mom who had been living in an assisted living apartment all alone. We found a "memory unit", which is a single room with locked lobby, etc. for here and completed the move this week. She also has a new wheel chair and can 'walk' it all over the new home. During the day there are lots of activities and all doors are open, compared to where she was living behind the closed door of her own apartment. She 'walks' around like a kid in a candy store and has even gotten into several conversations with others living there. It seems to be just right for her though my brother is still VERY uncooperative and would disagree. He plays into her dementia and constantly feels sorry for her. When she sees family members right now, she first wants us to take her back home, and then complains about all her "things" that didn't fit in the new room that she wants. My brother agrees with her and begins moving her furniture around, even though the staff want to keep the room fairly open so there is less chance of falling and they can better take care of her. Now he wants to have a phone hooked up for her, though no one else in the home has a phone. And it had become a real problem where she lived befoer with 10-30 phone calls a day. I really wish he would inform himself about the illness and learn better how to deal with her more realistically. Right now he just wants to blame me for moving her. He is very upset that there are other "loonies" living there who walk around in and out of mom's room touching her things. The staff is very caring and attentive and informed. I have complete confidence in their ability to handle the issues that arise and am trying to stay away for a bit so that she can adjust to living there on her own (which had been recommended). Has anyone else had any experience with this type of facility? Or silbing problems?
Uncooperative Sibling
Here's an update on my mom who had been living in an assisted living apartment all alone. We found a "memory unit", which is a single room with locked lobby, etc. for here and completed the move this week. She also has a new wheel chair and can 'walk' it all over the new home. During the day there are lots of activities and all doors are open, compared to where she was living behind the closed door of her own apartment. She 'walks' around like a kid in a candy store and has even gotten into several conversations with others living there. It seems to be just right for her though my brother is still VERY uncooperative and would disagree. He plays into her dementia and constantly feels sorry for her. When she sees family members right now, she first wants us to take her back home, and then complains about all her "things" that didn't fit in the new room that she wants. My brother agrees with her and begins moving her furniture around, even though the staff want to keep the room fairly open so there is less chance of falling and they can better take care of her. Now he wants to have a phone hooked up for her, though no one else in the home has a phone. And it had become a real problem where she lived befoer with 10-30 phone calls a day. I really wish he would inform himself about the illness and learn better how to deal with her more realistically. Right now he just wants to blame me for moving her. He is very upset that there are other "loonies" living there who walk around in and out of mom's room touching her things. The staff is very caring and attentive and informed. I have complete confidence in their ability to handle the issues that arise and am trying to stay away for a bit so that she can adjust to living there on her own (which had been recommended). Has anyone else had any experience with this type of facility? Or silbing problems?
I think I understand your brother's position if it's anything like mine. I believe our American society discards its elderly too quickly, unlike other cultures where parents are cared for by the family until they die. My father has dementia and has been living with me for 6 years. He has 12 children but I am the only one out of all twelve children who feels this way. All my siblings say put him in a care facility and be done with it. I cannot do that. So, I say to your brother, if you feel strongly about your mom not being there, re-purpose your own life and take her into your own home. It is a huge sacrifice and hard work, but that's what true love is - sacrifice. If your brother has the courage of his convictions, he should be willing to do this. If he doesn't, and just wants some other family member like you to make the sacrifice and take your mom in, then he needs to realize he is being a hypocrit. Caring for a demented parent is an honor, a duty, and a privilege, and the stresses are balanced by the joys and utterly delightful moments that happen every day. I know that after he is gone, I will always be glad I did this. Plus, it sets an example for my own children! I do admit a day may come when I cannot manage him anymore, and I may be doing more harm than good for him, and at that point I may have to give him over to a care facility after all. Perhaps if your brother had mom living with him for a couple months he would get a good dose of reality and either decide he's going to re-purpose his own life to care for her or he's going to relax his criticism of her living in a facility. You might suggest it to him and see how he responds to that.
I think I understand your brother's position if it's anything like mine. I believe our American society discards its elderly too quickly, unlike other cultures where parents are cared for by the family until they die. My father has dementia and has been living with me for 6 years. He has 12 children but I am the only one out of all twelve children who feels this way. All my siblings say put him in a care facility and be done with it. I cannot do that. So, I say to your brother, if you feel strongly about your mom not being there, re-purpose your own life and take her into your own home. It is a huge sacrifice and hard work, but that's what true love is - sacrifice. If your brother has the courage of his convictions, he should be willing to do this. If he doesn't, and just wants some other family member like you to make the sacrifice and take your mom in, then he needs to realize he is being a hypocrit. Caring for a demented parent is an honor, a duty, and a privilege, and the stresses are balanced by the joys and utterly delightful moments that happen every day. I know that after he is gone, I will always be glad I did this. Plus, it sets an example for my own children! I do admit a day may come when I cannot manage him anymore, and I may be doing more harm than good for him, and at that point I may have to give him over to a care facility after all. Perhaps if your brother had mom living with him for a couple months he would get a good dose of reality and either decide he's going to re-purpose his own life to care for her or he's going to relax his criticism of her living in a facility. You might suggest it to him and see how he responds to that.
What if the sibling has a full time job and is leaving the mother alone, or with her 85yo sister...the blind leading the blind basically. As the sister, we all work full time just to make ends meet. Our mother has problems remembering if she took her meds, or her insulin and always would take more meds since she didn't remember. Being alone makes the demented person anxious and frightful. The placement in a memory unit, she will see that others are the same as her, and will maybe have her in activities to keep her mind strong and sharper than being with her children. Then the children can visit and be kind to the parent, rather than stressed after a long day of work, doing healthcare chores, such as bathing, setting up meds, and dealing with the repeativeness of a demented loved one. I agree with the initial writer...
What if the sibling has a full time job and is leaving the mother alone, or with her 85yo sister...the blind leading the blind basically. As the sister, we all work full time just to make ends meet. Our mother has problems remembering if she took her meds, or her insulin and always would take more meds since she didn't remember. Being alone makes the demented person anxious and frightful. The placement in a memory unit, she will see that others are the same as her, and will maybe have her in activities to keep her mind strong and sharper than being with her children. Then the children can visit and be kind to the parent, rather than stressed after a long day of work, doing healthcare chores, such as bathing, setting up meds, and dealing with the repeativeness of a demented loved one. I agree with the initial writer...
I don't disagree with any of your points, but are you aware that there is adult daycare for demented parents? I drop my dad off in the morning on my way to work and pick him up on my way home. That way, we both get a break from each other which greatly relieves stress, and I can keep my fulltime job. Daycare is fabulous...the caregivers are phenomenal and Dad benefits greatly from being with other seniors of "like mind". (Also, it is tons cheaper than placing him in a residential facility of any sort. This helps preserve his money for as long as possible, too.) The daycare staff are caring, trained professionals and they do so much, including baths, meds, mental and physical exercise, meals, etc. while he is there. Adult daycare is really what made it possible for me to keep my demented dad living in my home for the past 6 years. I couldn't have done it for all this time if it weren't for him being at adult daycare programs while I work. Look into it!
I don't disagree with any of your points, but are you aware that there is adult daycare for demented parents? I drop my dad off in the morning on my way to work and pick him up on my way home. That way, we both get a break from each other which greatly relieves stress, and I can keep my fulltime job. Daycare is fabulous...the caregivers are phenomenal and Dad benefits greatly from being with other seniors of "like mind". (Also, it is tons cheaper than placing him in a residential facility of any sort. This helps preserve his money for as long as possible, too.) The daycare staff are caring, trained professionals and they do so much, including baths, meds, mental and physical exercise, meals, etc. while he is there. Adult daycare is really what made it possible for me to keep my demented dad living in my home for the past 6 years. I couldn't have done it for all this time if it weren't for him being at adult daycare programs while I work. Look into it!