Mom requesting that my dad with Alzheimers in a nursing home not be hand fed
My dad is 61 years old and has had alzheimers for 4 years.My mom put him in a home about 3 months ago because she could not care for him at home any longer.He has reached the stage of Alzheimers where he sometimes knows who people are,but not always and he doesn't make much sense when he talks.But he is still a very affectionate person and we see glimpes of who he was before this awful disease.Several weeks after being in the home my mom had his care switched to Hospice care so if he develops an infection of any kind it will not be treated.My mom has always said that my dad did not want to a feeding tube or be put on a ventilater,in other words,no heroic measures.Recently,my mom ordered the nursing home staff to not hand feed my dad.She said they can put food in front of him or on a fork,but they are not to help him eat in any way.He can right now eat with his hands,but he has trouble eating with spoons and forks.So basically when he can no longer feed himself he will starve.She is saying that these were my dads wishes and he said if he could no longer feed himself,to not help him.This is the first that any of us have heard of this and me and my sister are upset by this decision.My question is,is this humane and do we have a right to be upset?Is this a normal request?Even some of the nursing home staff have expressed disapproval.My mom maintains she is doing nothing wrong and this is what he wanted.
Mom requesting that my dad with Alzheimers in a nursing home not be hand fed
My dad is 61 years old and has had alzheimers for 4 years.My mom put him in a home about 3 months ago because she could not care for him at home any longer.He has reached the stage of Alzheimers where he sometimes knows who people are,but not always and he doesn't make much sense when he talks.But he is still a very affectionate person and we see glimpes of who he was before this awful disease.Several weeks after being in the home my mom had his care switched to Hospice care so if he develops an infection of any kind it will not be treated.My mom has always said that my dad did not want to a feeding tube or be put on a ventilater,in other words,no heroic measures.Recently,my mom ordered the nursing home staff to not hand feed my dad.She said they can put food in front of him or on a fork,but they are not to help him eat in any way.He can right now eat with his hands,but he has trouble eating with spoons and forks.So basically when he can no longer feed himself he will starve.She is saying that these were my dads wishes and he said if he could no longer feed himself,to not help him.This is the first that any of us have heard of this and me and my sister are upset by this decision.My question is,is this humane and do we have a right to be upset?Is this a normal request?Even some of the nursing home staff have expressed disapproval.My mom maintains she is doing nothing wrong and this is what he wanted.
I've heard of not force feeding, basically try to feed him but if he doesn't want any or refuses to eat and/or isn't hungry, let it be. That's the body naturally shutting down.
But to simply not help him eat if/when he is hungry, I haven't heard of that. Since your dad is on Hospice, I would strongly recommend that you talk to Hospice. His nurse, social worker, etc. They can help answer questions and since the whole focus is on comfort and living the best you can with whatever time is left, if what your mom is asking is something that would cause more harm than good, they should step in.
In the meantime, can the nursing facility give him finger foods? That would help with the "not using a fork/spoon very well" part.
And just an FYI- being on Hospice doesn't mean infections won't be treated. It means that aggressive treatment won't be pursued. My grandpa has been home and on Hospice for 4 months, and they've treated him for pneumonia twice. The pneumonia makes his breathing more difficult, so it was a matter of keeping him comfortable.
Hopefully the Hospice nurse or social worker can help you. There is a difference between no heroic measures and withholding food from someone who is still hungry.
I've heard of not force feeding, basically try to feed him but if he doesn't want any or refuses to eat and/or isn't hungry, let it be. That's the body naturally shutting down.
But to simply not help him eat if/when he is hungry, I haven't heard of that. Since your dad is on Hospice, I would strongly recommend that you talk to Hospice. His nurse, social worker, etc. They can help answer questions and since the whole focus is on comfort and living the best you can with whatever time is left, if what your mom is asking is something that would cause more harm than good, they should step in.
In the meantime, can the nursing facility give him finger foods? That would help with the "not using a fork/spoon very well" part.
And just an FYI- being on Hospice doesn't mean infections won't be treated. It means that aggressive treatment won't be pursued. My grandpa has been home and on Hospice for 4 months, and they've treated him for pneumonia twice. The pneumonia makes his breathing more difficult, so it was a matter of keeping him comfortable.
Hopefully the Hospice nurse or social worker can help you. There is a difference between no heroic measures and withholding food from someone who is still hungry.
To answer you question,no they can't help him at all even with finger foods. My mom has been the only person talking with hospice so none of us knows what exactly is being said.Thank you for your response,this is just very difficult.
To answer you question,no they can't help him at all even with finger foods. My mom has been the only person talking with hospice so none of us knows what exactly is being said.Thank you for your response,this is just very difficult.
Hospice is in place for the whole family. They should be willing to talk with you if you call. Ask the social worker at the nursing facility for a family meeting, with their staff there, Hospice, your mom and any other family.
Another option might be talking to the facility's Ombudsman. An Ombudsman is in place to look out for the resident's best interests. They can also help resolve conflicts at times.
http://www.ltcombudsman.org/about-ombudsmen
Hospice is in place for the whole family. They should be willing to talk with you if you call. Ask the social worker at the nursing facility for a family meeting, with their staff there, Hospice, your mom and any other family.
Another option might be talking to the facility's Ombudsman. An Ombudsman is in place to look out for the resident's best interests. They can also help resolve conflicts at times.
http://www.ltcombudsman.org/about-ombudsmen
My dad told me many, many years ago that if he ever got to where he couldn't take care of himself to just let him die. He's old now, very frail, has numerous health problems, and he cannot eat unless I feed him. I can't even COMPREHEND letting him starve to death just because he told me years ago to let him die if he ever got to the point he's at now. When he say's, "I'm hungry. What can I eat?", I jump up and make him something to eat.
I can understand if your dad refuses to eat, then he shouldn't be force fed, but if he WANTS to eat, he shouldn't be denied food. What he said years ago shouldn't matter, imo, and as long as he wants to eat, you have every right to be upset by her decision to not feed him if he becomes too frail to feed himself.
If he didn't put his last requests in writing, then I think you have legitimate legal grounds to dispute her decisions, if it comes to that.
My dad told me many, many years ago that if he ever got to where he couldn't take care of himself to just let him die. He's old now, very frail, has numerous health problems, and he cannot eat unless I feed him. I can't even COMPREHEND letting him starve to death just because he told me years ago to let him die if he ever got to the point he's at now. When he say's, "I'm hungry. What can I eat?", I jump up and make him something to eat.
I can understand if your dad refuses to eat, then he shouldn't be force fed, but if he WANTS to eat, he shouldn't be denied food. What he said years ago shouldn't matter, imo, and as long as he wants to eat, you have every right to be upset by her decision to not feed him if he becomes too frail to feed himself.
If he didn't put his last requests in writing, then I think you have legitimate legal grounds to dispute her decisions, if it comes to that.