almost 2 years ago
An anonymous caregiver
said...
End of life
Of a young colleague's grandparents the grandmother has had a stroke and is very near death. The grandfather refuses to go and visit, he has already started packing up grannies stuff and has been to the funeral parlor to say they must deal with the cremation when the time comes, he wants no service, no memorial, no nothing. He says he has said his goodbyes and is not going to go and see his wife again. He also wants no-one to come and see him - no grandchildren or anyone, only his own son (my colleague's father)was asked to come and see him. Is this normal behaviour? How can they support the grandfather?
Regards LCB"
Is this "normal behavior"? I don't know if there is any such thing as normal behavior when it comes to grieving and dealing with loss.
Without knowing the grandfather, my first thought when reading your comments was that it almost sounds like he is making final arrangements, not just for his wife, but for himself. If this were my family member, I would be concerned that he planned on taking his own life after she passes away. This could be why he seems so calm or 'ok' with the whole situation, because he knows that he won't be alone for long.
I could be totally wrong, but I would encourage the family to really check on him. Ask him why he doesn't want a service, allowing everyone a chance to say goodbye. Ask him how he is coping, and don't be afraid to ask him if he has plans/thoughts of wanting to hurt himself.
Again, I could be totally off base. Everyone grieves in their own way, and maybe as 'wrong' as his reaction seems to us, to him it may make sense. Whatever the case, I wish your colleague's family all the best during this difficult time.
Is this "normal behavior"? I don't know if there is any such thing as normal behavior when it comes to grieving and dealing with loss.
Without knowing the grandfather, my first thought when reading your comments was that it almost sounds like he is making final arrangements, not just for his wife, but for himself. If this were my family member, I would be concerned that he planned on taking his own life after she passes away. This could be why he seems so calm or 'ok' with the whole situation, because he knows that he won't be alone for long.
I could be totally wrong, but I would encourage the family to really check on him. Ask him why he doesn't want a service, allowing everyone a chance to say goodbye. Ask him how he is coping, and don't be afraid to ask him if he has plans/thoughts of wanting to hurt himself.
Again, I could be totally off base. Everyone grieves in their own way, and maybe as 'wrong' as his reaction seems to us, to him it may make sense. Whatever the case, I wish your colleague's family all the best during this difficult time.
My husband didn't want any kind of service and therefore there wasn't one. It could be possible that grandma requested this from her husband. Also not visiting may be because he wants to remember her as she was and not as she is now. There are different ways to look at it. We don't know what is going on behind the decisions. All I can say is that family members should just make sure he knows they are there for him when he needs them (and actually mean it...because all too often those offers are meaningless when the time for help actually comes). If the family wants to hold their own get together that's their right, but don't expect him to be there if he is upholding her wishes.
My husband didn't want any kind of service and therefore there wasn't one. It could be possible that grandma requested this from her husband. Also not visiting may be because he wants to remember her as she was and not as she is now. There are different ways to look at it. We don't know what is going on behind the decisions. All I can say is that family members should just make sure he knows they are there for him when he needs them (and actually mean it...because all too often those offers are meaningless when the time for help actually comes). If the family wants to hold their own get together that's their right, but don't expect him to be there if he is upholding her wishes.
My dad is dying in NH with Hospice... my mom sits at the bedside sometimes just to be with him. When he dies, he will be cremated and held at the funeral home until she is ready to have his ash delivered. She is taking a vacation and visiting some friends and family who did not have a chance to visit while he was dying.
This trip will take 10-15 days and then she says she will deal with the arrangements for a memorial service and will enture the ashes instead of scatter them. Some of my family are appalled and others understand... She says she is taking her grief with her to share with those family and friends who aren't here to grieve with her.
I think she is doing a good thing... she knows she can't handle the immediate disposal of my dad. She wants some time with the spirit of who he was before she disposes of what is left of his body.
I fully understand... but I agree with the suggestion of suicide after the fact.... I would be wary.
beaux
My dad is dying in NH with Hospice... my mom sits at the bedside sometimes just to be with him. When he dies, he will be cremated and held at the funeral home until she is ready to have his ash delivered. She is taking a vacation and visiting some friends and family who did not have a chance to visit while he was dying.
This trip will take 10-15 days and then she says she will deal with the arrangements for a memorial service and will enture the ashes instead of scatter them. Some of my family are appalled and others understand... She says she is taking her grief with her to share with those family and friends who aren't here to grieve with her.
I think she is doing a good thing... she knows she can't handle the immediate disposal of my dad. She wants some time with the spirit of who he was before she disposes of what is left of his body.
I fully understand... but I agree with the suggestion of suicide after the fact.... I would be wary.
beaux
We all come from different backround.Family is very thing to us no mather the circumstances.A massive stroke is irreversible and very hard to swallow and accept for a man like that grandfather grieving alone probably is one way of coping,I do not know?And the son probably is the one he knew that will be able to understand what he is going through.The nearest of kin and the neighbors and the church are the best source of support.
We all come from different backround.Family is very thing to us no mather the circumstances.A massive stroke is irreversible and very hard to swallow and accept for a man like that grandfather grieving alone probably is one way of coping,I do not know?And the son probably is the one he knew that will be able to understand what he is going through.The nearest of kin and the neighbors and the church are the best source of support.
My own father sat by my mother's bedside till she passed away. He said it was the most difficult thing he has ever done. We moved in with Dad hoping to keep him with us. They were so close and you hear all to often of the spouse dying soon after the other. It was not us that keep Dad's will to live alive, it was my grand-daughter who was just an infant at the time. He tells people how if it weren't for his little Katie he wouldn't be here today. When Dad's dearest sister passed away this last year he sat with her till the desision was made that she would not recover from the stroke and was put in hospice. He said his goodbye to her and told her it was okay to leave this earth and be with her husband. He told her he was going to go home now and let her go. He didn't go back. Although he still grieved he did not have to watch her pass. This may be what this grandfather is doing now. Hopefully the one son that can see him will be able to reach him and keep his will to live alive. My prayers are will this family. This is a difficult time for them all.
My own father sat by my mother's bedside till she passed away. He said it was the most difficult thing he has ever done. We moved in with Dad hoping to keep him with us. They were so close and you hear all to often of the spouse dying soon after the other. It was not us that keep Dad's will to live alive, it was my grand-daughter who was just an infant at the time. He tells people how if it weren't for his little Katie he wouldn't be here today. When Dad's dearest sister passed away this last year he sat with her till the desision was made that she would not recover from the stroke and was put in hospice. He said his goodbye to her and told her it was okay to leave this earth and be with her husband. He told her he was going to go home now and let her go. He didn't go back. Although he still grieved he did not have to watch her pass. This may be what this grandfather is doing now. Hopefully the one son that can see him will be able to reach him and keep his will to live alive. My prayers are will this family. This is a difficult time for them all.
I agree with the other posters who stated the Grandfather probably wants to remember his wife as the vital woman she once was, not the dying person lying in a bed. It sounds as if he has come to terms with the inevitable and his wishes should be respected.
There are as many ways of grieving as there are people. Each must handle the process in his/her unique way.
I also agree the Grandfather should be checked on, to be sure he is indeed faring well. Perhaps friends and family should (as stated above, only if they really mean it) make mention that they are available for visits and outings .... and it may not hurt for those same people to advise the Grandfather that they will be very happy to call upon him later on .... maybe a week or so after his wife passes ..... perhaps by then he'll have a change of heart and be more receptive to company and well-wishers.
Additionally, I would also be a concerned about the possibility of him taking his own life ... not sure how to delicately handle that, except to have friends and family phone and visit despite his request that they do not.
I agree with the other posters who stated the Grandfather probably wants to remember his wife as the vital woman she once was, not the dying person lying in a bed. It sounds as if he has come to terms with the inevitable and his wishes should be respected.
There are as many ways of grieving as there are people. Each must handle the process in his/her unique way.
I also agree the Grandfather should be checked on, to be sure he is indeed faring well. Perhaps friends and family should (as stated above, only if they really mean it) make mention that they are available for visits and outings .... and it may not hurt for those same people to advise the Grandfather that they will be very happy to call upon him later on .... maybe a week or so after his wife passes ..... perhaps by then he'll have a change of heart and be more receptive to company and well-wishers.
Additionally, I would also be a concerned about the possibility of him taking his own life ... not sure how to delicately handle that, except to have friends and family phone and visit despite his request that they do not.